Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Rabbit Food

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

[singing] "The bunny, the bunny, ohhh I ate the bunny."

Or, uh, whatever these things are.

Holographic rabbit ears? I bet those get a lousy reception.

Do not look directly into the eye of Mara!

Now, picture a cartoon mouse flattened by a piano.

Or, just look at this:


You know, I'm starting to think maybe shredded coconut isn't the bunny cake cure-all:

Somewhere in that haystack may be the rest of him.

What the...??
Are these on food court trays?

And yeah, they look like alien gophers wearing plastic rabbit ears. There's that, too.

[rapid blinking]


I'm sorry; those "ears" have robbed me of the capacity for coherent thought. And the pink yo-yo thingies jammed into the jawline? I can't...I mean, I don't...That is to say, I have Huh.

[puffing out cheeks]

[scratching head]

[tapping fingers]

Right. Well, I'm going to wander off aimlessly now, in the hopes of finding something to restore my sanity. The rest of you feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

Ashley M., Sarah F., Anne B., K&J, Gail R., Laura S., & Brooke I., I don't want to tell you a joke that is funny I just want a plate and a fork and a bunny.

- Related Wreckage: Passover These Wrecks

Update from John: Apparently, what we took to be food court trays are actually meat trays which I think we all can agree, is sooo much better. And it raises a question: is it even cake or is it some lovely ground chuck slathered in mashed potatoes? The world may never know! (Unless, of course, somebody bought one and ate it. Then we'd probably know. Ya know?)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Easter? Is That You?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

There's a wide range of acceptable Easter motifs these days. Lilies, eggs, baby chicks, crosses, bunny butts - there's just all kinds of stuff to choose from.

So tell me, then: What exactly is this?

An Easter...Pig?

Or how about this?

Pink Cat gives you wings! Literally.

Hm. I'm starting to think we should offer bakeries animal flash cards.

At least then they'd know to put "bunny" in quotes.
(Check out how the right one is looking at the label. Heehee!)

Somebody please tell me this is not a cross:

Although if it's not, then the alternatives are looking pretty alarming. Yowza.

Oh! Speaking of alarming religious cakes: I've yet to see a smoking lamb cake this year. I'm still holding out hope, though. And in the meantime, I did spot a few chocolate cigarettes on this "Easter flowers" design:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but on a cake they sure alarm me.

The madness continues into the cookie section:

There are no words. Only lots of snickering.

And lastly, we have the gold standard of Easter designs:

The bug bunnies.

Jennifer T., Katie G., Steve, Taylor B., Teryn C., John M., & Shelli A., just tell them to take a left at Albuquerque. Oh, and watch out for those "sprinkles."

- Related Wreckage: Easter Potpourri

Monday, March 29, 2010

Bunny Bashers

Monday, March 29, 2010

Team, I've called this meeting because someone is doing in our nation's bakery bunnies. Here's the evidence we've gathered so far:

A bevy of bunny butts buried in Baltimore...

...two truckloads of 'tocks terrified teens in Toledo,

...and this hare-raising tail (at least, we think that's a tail) all point to murder most fowl.

Speaking of fowl, here are our chief suspects:

Humpty Dumpty, hatched and dangerous,

...and the Lamb brothers, Bed and Hood:

Ironically, these two are on the lam.

Still, you should have no problem spotting them; just look for the blood-soaked Easter displays:

"Why hellooo, Clarice. If you recognize the movie I'm quoting, then you'll have no choice but to groan in pain. Heheheh. Excellent."

Jodi S., Jenny G., Jade B., Erin R., Jenna C., & Jessica S., I think you'll agree that we need to rename Erin a "J" name.

So Erin, do you prefer Jedidiah or Jehosophat? Lemmeno.

- Related Wreckage: Easter Wreck Round Up

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sunday Sweets: Tickled Pink

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I'm not usually much of a girly girl, but something about today's Sweets make me yearn for petticoats and lollipops. So proceed with caution; there's potentially lethal sweetness ahead. ;)

Let's start with some retro chic:

(Sub'd by Pauline R., made by Sweety Darling)

Hooray for kitschy cakes!
(Is anyone else remembering certain art prints from their childhood?)

Right now it seems most little girls are all about the princesses. Here's a sweet way to make them happy without resorting to plastic tiaras in the icing:

(Sub'd by Jacki L., made by Cakes by Eve)

I've seen so many wrecked castle cakes using that plastic turret kit that I'm irrationally grateful to this baker for not using it. Heh.

And an even more elegant Princess design minus the actual princess:

(Sub'd by Shanna R., made by Jane Asher)

Look at the tiny details: the lantern, the pillow, the perfect swirl pattern to the wheels - that cake took some serious skill.

Here's a fun color combo:

(Made by Christine Thompson of Sugar Topped Creations)
That lime green really makes the pink pop; I like seeing unexpected color pairings.

Moving on to more grownup designs...

(Made by CW reader Tammy M.)

This is one of those rare cakes that makes me want to get the baking pans out again. I'm curious to try that big ball of daisies on top. (Although I'm guessing it must be a Styrofoam topper underneath to keep the weight manageable. Bakers? Do you concur?)

Proving that pink is not just for little girls:

(Made by Cake Central user arosstx)

I love this design. It's fantastic seeing what a master decorator can do with a simple square cake, isn't it?

I don't see much pink on today's wedding cakes - too feminine for most couples, perhaps? Or just too old-fashioned? Regardless, I thought this one was sweet without being over-the-top:

(Sub'd by Heidi M., made by Vanilla Pastry Studio)

Great flowers, great piping. I like that there are different shades of pink, too.

And last but not least, this pink-packed beauty shows that sometimes moderation is overrated:

Woohoo! Bring on the flowers!

The side view:
(Made by Holy Sweet)

I don't know how you'd eat it, but boy, is that pretty. I also like the way the birthday girl's name is stamped into the side. It's such a clean, modern alternative to piping. (Not to mention easier, which - let's be honest - is also a major point in its favor.)

Have a Sweet to nominate? E-mail it to me at Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Wreckies of the Month

Saturday, March 27, 2010

It's time again to recognize those devoted evil Wrecky henchpersons who've sufficiently amused and/or impressed me this month.

First we have the "Most Awesomely Geeky Baby Shower Cake" (EVER!!):

You long-time henchpersons will recognize this as an homage to that amazing Darth Vader shower cake which I claimed could only be topped by a cake featuring Spock instead. Carol J. was less than impressed with the bakery's end result, but I think the wreckiness just adds to its hilarity, don't you?

Next we have Luke, age 6, who made a "T Rex, NOT a cake Rex!" for a school contest:

Adorable. Love the matching shirt, too, Luke.
(Oh, and he won the contest, btw, but that should go without saying.)

Hey, you know how you're always trying to think of more ways to include Cake Wrecks in your lives? Well here's an idea: use your copy of Cake Wrecks as the guest book at your wedding!

This is GENIUS, Lindsay F. I mean, first of all, now you can NEVER get rid of your copy of Cake Wrecks, but secondly, now this book contains the two things you hold most dear: CW, and, you know, all those people who showed up to your wedding. But mostly Cake Wrecks. Right?

Next, Noelle F. shows us how to throw a birthday party, Carrot Jockey style:

Why yes, that IS a pinata.

And the matching cake, courtesy of HomeStyle Bakery:

Now THOSE are carrots.

And last but certainly not least, Malerie C. got crafty and made me a bracelet!

Cute, right? And hey, if you're tired of waiting on me and John to make more Jockey necklaces (sorry, sorry!) you can even head over to her Etsy store and buy one for yourself!

Many thanks to all of today's awesome readers, and to all of you who continue to make the life of professional blogging bearable with your notes, pictures, and e-mails. This has been a particularly trying week at the CW household, and so the time you guys have taken to encourage me and/or John has been especially treasured. Wreck on, dear Wrecktators. Wreck on.

- Related Wreckage: Fan "Art"

Friday, March 26, 2010

A Little Rough Around The Edges

Friday, March 26, 2010

If there's one thing I've learned from Cake Wrecks over the past 22 months, it's that Epcot is a thing not to be trifled with.

If there's another thing I've learned from Cake Wrecks, it's that you can't make a rounded cupcake cake (ptoieee!). As in, ever. The laws of physics preclude even the merest hint of possibility.

Not that this stops our brave wreckerators from trying, of course. They seem convinced that slathering potentially life-threatening amounts of icing onto anything will put a skeptical customer into a pre-purchase sugar haze strong enough to induce glaucoma.

So let's look at how the seemingly simple circle becomes a disaster destined for diabolically (No, wait. Dimensions! Dang it. Broke my stride.)

This...[dramatic pause] a base "ball."

And Spider-Man:

Or what's left of him, anyway.

This... is... SPARTA!!!

Actually, no. I think this is supposed to be a hamburger.

"Eh wude lak to baa zebargare kek."
Baker: "I'm sorry, what?"
"Zederbergerer kek."
Baker: "Okay, I'm really not sure what you're..."
*sobbing* "DERBERGER!"

Well just remember, Wreckerators, you can always resort to that old standby: Piping, The Fix For Everything.™


Nina M., Amanda Y., Tyler M., & Ruth U., here's hoping the CCC will be circling the drain sometime soon. Think there's a petition we can all sign?

- Related Wreckage: National Cupcake Day

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Here Fishy Fishy...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

How to tell if the sushi served at the wedding is fresh:

Yes, those are live fish in wineglasses.

Naturally, I have a few questions.

1) Live animals in a wedding cake? Really? What next: hamster rolly-balls?

2) On a scale of 1-10, how bad is it that now I want to see a hamster in a rolly-ball jammed between two cake tiers? I mean, are we talking "not our first choice for babysitter" bad, or "your name should be on a national watch-list" bad?

3) Is "rolly-ball" even what you call those things?

4) What was I talking about?

Oh, right.

5) Getting back to the fish thing: if you MUST have fish in your wedding cake, why wouldn't you at least use pretty ones? Was the bait shop having a 2-for-1 sale?

6) You know how the wedding cake usually gets set up a few hours before the reception? Well, just how long do you suppose the fish were in there? I mean, not to be indelicate or anything, but what happens if one croaks before cake-cutting time? ("It's ok, kids, he's sleeping! And his friends are just...kissing him! Yeah! Really!)

And if you're not completely grossed out yet, just imagine the smell of old fish water mixed with the smell of icing when they took that top tier off. Mmmm.

Perhaps you think I'm coming down too hard on this cake, though. After all, the cake itself isn't so bad, so maybe the whole live-fish thing was an isolated incident. Right?




If this groom's cake teaches us anything, it's this: when there are live minnows embedded in your cake, RC cars mashed down into the icing can seem downright classy.

Stacey W. & Karen W., believe it or not, these aren't the first wedding cakes with live fish in them here on CW. There was also this one. So, are we looking at a terrifying new wedding trend? (And who among us secretly hopes so?)

- Related Wreckage: The Groom's Revenge

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Guess That Cake

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's time again for your favorite Wreckie game-show: "GUESS... THAT... CAKE!"

[cue applause]

Welcome to Guess That Cake, where your most delicious desserts are decorated and designed, deconstructed and defined. I'm your host, Kay Krex. Let's start the show!

[cue applause]

Now folks, if you're just tuning in, you're just in time for the rules. We'll show you a cake that was prepared by professional bakers at an actual cake store. All you have to do is GUESS... THAT... CAKE!!

Here we go. Let's start off easy with a cake sent all the way across the interwebs from Bridget H.:

Is birthday boy Shaun a fan of:

A) The Fireys from Labyrinth (attacking a B for Bowie, of course)
B) Colorful Rorschach inkblot tests
C) Budweiser

And the answer goes to....

C. Budweiser! Gosh, it seems so obvious now, doesn't it? I was sure it was a trick question. I mean, who'da thunk those little firey heads weren't trying to eat that letter "B"?

The stakes are raised on this second cake, a CCC, sent in from Jenny H. Let's take a look:

Is Jenny's cake supposed to be:

A) A horseshoe commemorating the Kentucky Derby
B) California holding a sledgehammer
C) The Virginia Tech logo

Drumroll please.....
Ooooh, so sorry to the contestants that did not choose "C." We realize it was the least obvious choice, as that cake absolutely does not resemble the Virginia Tech logo, especially considering the missing parts of the letter "V" and the general lack of enthusiasm put into the "go team."

Moving on to our final round where the points that we've neglected to mention until now are DOUBLED, let's take a look at this masterpiece sent in by Jasmine:

Can you tell us if that little guy on the bottom is supposed to be:

A) A broken vase
B) A bullhorn with a stick through its eye
C) A fish with legs wearing sunglasses and a beret and carrying a paintbrush

Survey says...

Eeeeesh- tough one. Tough one. I'm sure most of you were so distracted by the haphazard confetti sprinkles and day-glo lettering that you missed this little camp logo altogether. Spitting image, really. What a shame.

Better luck to you cake-lovers and wrecktators out there on the next episode of "GUESS... THAT... CAKE!" G'night, everyone!

[cue applause]
{off air}

- Related wreckage:

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Cake Wrecks Correlation

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

As part of our on-going research into what makes things funny (and because it was a slow Friday night), John and I recently decided to test the effects of alcohol on humor writing. To save both time and Arbor Mist, I was elected test subject. (Even the fumes get me tipsy. It's pathetic, really.) John then showed me Wrecks, took notes, and laughed at me. A lot.

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Here are the "official" results:

After five sips:

Subject response: "Talk about your seedy humor: I've heard of calling someone a melon-head before, but this is ridiculous!" [attempts to high-five official note-taker] "Booyah!"

After approx. 1/2 glass:

Subject response: [apparently attempting to impersonate Bill Cosby] "FI-BRRR!! FI-BRRR!! AHAHAHAHA-HAAA!"

After one glass:

Subject response: [singing] "PANT-ies, PANT-ies, tralala-LAAA. Wesh shoulda had PANTIES at our engager-mental party." [giggling] "Yeah." [Silence. Then...] "Why don't shou luff me? Thish ish MY job! Zshoo don't care about me!"

After two glasses:

Subject response: *HURK* *HUURK* *BLAAGAHGAHGAHGAH!!!!*

After 2 glasses and 10 minutes:


(Official Note-Taker's Note: At this point the test was concluded.)

So, our conclusion? We desperately need some better wine. And possibly - although this needs further testing to be absolutely sure - some kind of a social life.

You're welcome, scientific community.

Rebecca M., Michael Z., Anony M., & Heather G., I would guess that last thing isn't actually a cake - but it is most certainly a Wreck. Also, are any of you free this weekend?

- Related Wreckage: Wacked Out Wrecks