Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Totally Stuffed

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Alright, turkeys, ya fat blobs of fowl: ASSUME THE POSITION!


No, no, you're all too stiff! Look alive, now - get those legs out! Spread eagle!

Good, now, hold it - hooold it...

Aaaaand...breathe.

Good work.

Well, except for you, Tom:

Seriously, Tom, we have got to work on those legs.


Ok, now that we're all warmed up, let's get right to today's topic: "purging" your "stuffing."

My friends, this is not the answer.


Neither are explosive clean-outs:


Look, we all know these displays are distasteful, so let's stop the cycle of shame!


And take heart from the example of our own Admiral Ackbar, a former stuffing purger, who went from this:


To this:

(He assures us it's an improvement.)



Thanks to Libbie M., Beth G., Stevi A., Maida S., Gina B., Corie I., & Rebecca, who are convinced the Ackbar turkey is a trap.
Gary said...

I guess it's sort of brave for people who've never seen a turkey to try to replicate one with cake.
Ill-advised, but brave.

Count Mockula said...

I can't remember ever seeing a cake on here that I wouldn't at least try (particularly if it was chocolate), but the greenish zombie turkey turns my stomach.

Kay said...

Wow. Just... wow. Wreck #1 & #3 are both green. Yuck! And is #6 really supposed to be a turkey?? And why would you want to have a "cooked turkey" cake anyway??? These wreckorators have gone to the dark side of the force.

Angie said...

I always look forward to the Thanksgiving turkey cooked by my Grandmother. Thank God her turkey looks and tastes so very much better than these hideous cakes.

As the first poster said, ill-advised. Very ill-advised.

Erin said...

*LAUGHS*

The Admiral Ackbar turkey is the best!

Amy's Cooking Adventures said...

Hahaha "It;s a trap!" The resemblance is striking!

Anonymous said...

The Admiral Akbar bit was hilarious. "Don't eat it! It's a trap!"

WV: "Martar." As in, "You'd have to be a 'martar' to eat one of these cakes."

Anonymous said...

I love how your posts always take me gradually from "wow, that's pretty ugly," to "ick, hideous," through "for the love of all that is - surely it can't get any worse!!" and finally, "AAAAAUGH!!! MY EYES!!! My EYES!!!! AAAAAAAUGH!!!!!"

Katie said...

I don't understand why someone needs to have a cake shaped like a turkey for Thanksgiving when you already have...a turkey.

Surely there are better designs for a festive table!

A.J. said...

OMG, I want to throw up. Not hungry anymore, least of all for cake. So thanks.

kayk said...

On the "explosive" turkey -- well, at least the chrysanthemums are really well done.

Donna said...

Is #3 an alien turkey? Otherwise it needs to see the business end of a trash can because it's WAY past its expiration date!

Persephone said...

I must remember not to check this site at breakfast.

Kimberly said...

what's better than poo cake?

Poo turkeys!

ugh.

WV: Canollo. I threw my turkey cake down the canollo.

Anonymous said...

Maybe one of these is vying for a second chance at being our nation's National Bird.
Naw...
mocking

BADKarma! said...

Admiral Ackbar... Aheh. Aheheh. AheheHEHeheh. Aheh.

WV - comah: Seeing these turkey wrecks put me in a food comah without the benefit of actually having eaten anything... X_X

Mamakitty1978 said...

The "TOM" Turkey looks like it went bad like 2 years ago, even the stuffing looks moldy. YUCKKKKK :P

Momcat said...

And besides, that first turkey is RAW! Who would put that on the table? Sam'n'Ella, that's who!

LaurenH said...

For some reason I love the "Roasted Turkey Cake" sign. First of all, because if the whole lot I think that one needs the most identification help. Also, when you put it that way I assume it's somehow...turkey flavored cake perhaps?

I like to think that turkey cakes are for vegetarians (with a sweet tooth ;)) and THESE turkey cakes...? Are for turning everyone else vegetarian as well. I know if someone showed me one of these and said "that's a turkey!" I'd be hesitant to ever eat one again :P

Fie upon this quiet life! said...

Wow. Those are flipping disgusting.

drumnate said...

#6 is the TRON: Legacy Turkey Light Cycle cake. Am I right or am I right?

Alyssa said...

hahahahahaaa!!! you killed me with the Ackbar cake! I love it! :D

Anonymous said...

The second lot of cakes look all ready for a gynaecological examination.

Shanti said...

The fact that "Admiral Ackbar" there is shooting laser beams just, um, takes the cake.

Anonymous said...

These are the worst looking cakes ever in the history of the universe.
The end.

Paula said...

Those are the best wrecks ever.... why have real turkey when you can have cake??? *LOL*

Jess said...

IT'S A CAKE!!!

I think...

kayk said...

@Lauren H: You can wash down that cake with turkey-and-gravy soda from Jones. http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2003-11-26-turkey-gravy-soda_x.htm And apparently they've also come up with a Tofurky and gravey verssion for vegans. http://www.myjones.com/store/limited-edition-tofurkey-and-gravy-jonoes-soda.html I've tried the former, and believe me, you're better off with the cakes.

Nicola said...

Good lord. I know that the wrecks are often hideous and always WTF-worthy, but its hard to make cake, sweet delicious cake, look unappetizing. However, these turkeys (especially those who are in the process of losing their stuffing) have managed to inspire the gag reflex in this hungry reader. Disgusting!

PhotoGrace said...

I have to agree with Katie... I don't understand the why behind the turkey cakes. Especially these, which are, I'm guessing, supposed to be cooked-turkey cakes.

The Akbar shift? *mwa* Magnifique!

Knit Wit said...

#3 actually has the little pop-up thermometer in it. Someone went to the trouble of putting a fake thermometer in the turkey and then made CURLY wings???? And pitiful little LEGS??????

And, yes, I wondered what the very brown one was--TRON Legacy Turkey Light Cycle is the perfect description.

The others I simply prefer not to think about but thanks for putting Admiral Ackbar in my head. Now I'll never be able to look at a roast turkey again without thinking of him. Sigh. ;-)

Anonymous said...

None of these turns my stomach as much as last year's shiny turkey cake with grapes and caramels for stuffing. Caramels, Nurmel! CARAMELS!

Anonymous said...

...does Tom / cake #3 have a nipple??? (well, I kinda hope for him he actually has two)

Seriously, what is that thing on his chest supposed to be? Are American turkeys different that way?

Lisa said...

I love the Star Wars references! Not so keen on the cakes, however.

Laura P. said...

I almost had yogurt all over my monitor when I got to the stuffing purge cakes! Oh my gosh. So gross! Thanks for the laugh and have a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving! (full of yummy foods that are actually pleasing to the eye as well as the palate)

Heidi D said...

I don't like cake anymore.

Pinnywearer said...

A CAKE...made in the shape...of a...TURKEY?!?!?!!???!!!!!
What on EARTH is THAT all about?????
and before you start - even an English person knows that Thanksgiving celebrations involve turkey, but TURKEY CAKES AS WELL????

Sheesh...

Anonymous said...

Ewwww,EWWWWW, EWWWWWWWWWWW. Enough said.

mimiheart said...

What is the purpose of a cake that looks like a turkey?

WV: unsin. The wreckorators tried to make turkeycakes sight unsin.

Mary Connealy said...

You know, I now look at all the cakes in grocery store bakeries and WalMart and where ever cakes gather to be decorated, hoping to find something awful enough to land me on CAKE WRECKS.

Now isn't that a sort of sarcastic approach to life? I ask you.

Of course it suits me perfectly. LOL

My battle with the turkey... said...

Turkey is both the best and the worst things about thanksgiving, and this post really illustrates it.

Turkey cakes are dangerous... thawing turkeys is dangerous too. Those things are solid ice and often look worse than these sugary treats!

Flartus said...

Lol, poo cake with tuna salad stuffing! Forget the pumpkin pie, Ma, here's dessert!

Kathryn H said...

The first two just made me think of Eraserhead. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBpd5xy-vCY

Come to think of it, some of the later ones did too.

Mrs. Howard said...

Cake wrecks 5-7 made me shift uncomfortably in my chair. Just...ew.

mladybright said...

Anonymous @ 10:06 -- I totally agree. Typical CW processing - semi-ok (well, maybe), to bad, to worse. Love it!

I am astounded by what people in other areas find in their cake departments. I must live in a CW-free zone. (I THINK I'm happy about that)

The one spewing marshmallows (#4) appears to be created out of the icky winter squash rather than cake -- followed by a burnt 'roasted turkey' (#6)?? What are those things on the side? As General Akbar showed up, are those Princess Leia side-curls in sympathy??

In defense of most -- the flowers are really well done. About as well-done as the first 'bird' is NOT. Is that more 'cake' representing other foods next to it? Please tell me it's not.

I am now thanking the pilgrims for leaving cake off the menu at a traditional feast and utilizing the appropriateness of pie.

~~Di

ps.. love the double entendre' of 'stuffed' for these wrecks.

Fluffy Cow said...

No turkey cakes. NO!

*bleck*

"It's a TRIP(tophen)"

Alice said...

ugh, that last "turkey" made me want to skip thanksgiving this year!

Nancy said...

Eeeewwww. It's a really bad idea for a pregnant lady in her first trimester (complete with constant nausea) to look at those really nasty turkey cake pictures, as I've just discovered. And, if you have to make a turkey cake, why add explosive stuffing all over the bottom? These wreckerators really have their creative juices flowing:)

wv: gueto
These cakes are so gueto.

athenienne said...

Looks like they were made with, you know, longing. Made by a person really longed to see a turkey.

Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description.

Lynn said...

Wow, gotta love cake #6. "...the leg bone's connected to the - WING bone..." Hahahahah! Seriously, what's with the dookie swirl wings?

Nonna Beach said...

Awwww.... Admiral Ackbar...good comparison and one of my fav Star Wars characters. He never says too much or too little, he's always "just right " !

Anonymous said...

Little green turkey (CW#) with the cutesie pacifier and teeny weeny plump legs... urgently needs a diaper change!

MC from NZ

WV: expopr - these turkeys have expopr'ed all their stuffing.

Aliza said...

Wow, those cakes are real turkeys!

And cake #2... I think I've seen a movie scene of teenage girls lying on a couch that way, teaching an "innocent". I guess they're going to *really* enjoy the stuffing process? (Where are the cakes from yesterday when you need them!)

Lastly... I guess turkey cakes are for those who consider real turkey to be a "dry miserable bird". If you can't roast a turkey, serve your long-suffering guests a turkey cake?

Clara J. said...

The first one looks like it has a suspicious growth of hair on the top. And the third one reminds me of a bizarre cross between a whale, a fish, an alien, and an octopus. Don't ask me why.

Tricia L said...

Why, just why.

I just truly hope no one bought any of these. Even as a joke. Please do not encourage this madness.

Anonymous said...

I agree with MomCat. Number one is definitely raw. Ugh. Eating raw turkey will make you "number 2". Which takes us to Cake 6......Have these people never seen a real turkey? One has to wonder.

Karen said...

OMG those cakes were hiscous! I'm really blown away by the little tiny legs on that one cake, and then the other cake with obvious frosting blobs for legs. Wow. and ewwwwww.

Sif said...

I'm amazed at the neat rows of the spread eagle turkeys. The implication is that many people will look at that monstrosity and think, "Oh yeah, this is a fantastic way to spend my money!"

Fanboy Wife said...

Ugh. Those cakes are completely unappealing.

Anonymous said...

some of these are actually better than what I found in my local wreckery. I looked around and made sure no one was looking then pulled out my phone...annnd.. realized I forgot to charge it sorry I'll try better

Evvie said...

That Ackbar cake also kind of looks like one of the Ood from Doctor Who. Which makes it even less appealing. *shudders*

T said...

that is creepy how ackbar-ish that last cake looks!

and fate has spoken - WV says potie... which is what most of those turkeys look like they should have done before they left the house.

Anonymous said...

Blech-those do not make me want to eat cake

Erin said...

It's so funny that this was your post today! I was at our local Hyvee, and took a photo of a very similar cake wreck from there. I guess I can send it in still.. just to hear your commentary!

Anonymous said...

LarenH, I love the "Roasted Turkey" sign too. Especially because it identifies the product as a "culinary delight"!

WV: Firess - the person who fires the Wreckers?

Arlene said...

Oh man are those ever disgusting lol. Especially the ones that look like stuffing was put in with a fire cracker. Sheesh. Almost put me off turkey but I will prevail!

Swan said...

Odd as it may sound, these wrecks remind me of a quote from 'The Muppet Family Christmas'. Doc, frustrated with the Swedish Chef that keeps mistaking various characters for the Christmas turkey shouts, "The TURKEY's the turkey, you turkey!" Kudos to everyone involved in the production of that special. Still precious and relevant all these years later. RIP Jim Henson.

Anonymous said...

oh mai so funni. thanks

Anonymous said...

omg #6 has tentacles!!! it must have been a Chernobyl fowl

-Barbara Anne

P.S. poor Admiral Akbar deserves better treatment than this!

Jennifer said...

My only original thought was "Number 17: The Spread Eagle!" Guess I've watched "Chicago" too many times.

We are not having turkey for Thanksgiving, and after seeing these cakes, I'm glad! I am making a wondeful pumpkin pie that will look and taste wonderful. Can't say the same for these wrecks! Well, the look anyway.

denver restaurants said...

Don't hurry when decorating the cake. After all, it's a once in a lifetime phenomenon. You don't want to spoil it by keeping everything off for the eleventh hour. Space out your regimen. If possible have a rehearsal cake decoration session before the actual wedding, kind of like a rehearsal dinner.

Craig said...

I am thankful for many things. For one, that I shall not see any of these on a table near me this season. Please.

#1 Raw?! Why not put a bag around it and be done with it? I know just the kind of bag to use, too: "Hefty, hefty, hefty!"

#2 At least they're not shin... nope, they are. Shiny cakes are so last year.

#3 is just fowl. It has so many problems, it is hard to know where to start. Green, curly wings... what the flock is it stuffed with?! And only one piece of candy corn -- that has to be against some law or other right there. 'Culinary Delight', indeed. How about 'Diet Aid'.

#4 has a cartoonish quality that could make it ok, but I am just about certain the stuffing doesn't go in THAT end.

#5 Looks like the gold spray paint ignited in the oven. Wreckerators, if you're going to paint a cake, at least use something non-flammable.

Speaking of which, #6 seems to have been left in the oven about a day too long. Is that ash at the front?

#7 "As a matter of fact, I do come from a place where turkeys are unknown. How did you know? At least mine isn't green with curly wings!"

#8 I believe that's Admiral Ackbar.

Craig said...

Additional note on #1, keying on the 'Sam'n'Ella' comment: "Aunt Listeria, you shouldn't have. No, I mean really."

Knowing that it is cake, I still wouldn't eat it. Gives a whole new meaning to 'turkey trot'.

Sasmita said...

Great cake. But a flop show for one who loves turkey..... anyway have fun

http://discoverlifestyle.blogspot.com/2010/11/happy-thanksgiving-day.html

Karen said...

One of the legs above Adm Ackbar looks like it needs a circum...(oh never mind!) And to "Tom Turkey" - BREATHE, MAN, YOU'RE COLOR IS TERRIBLE!!"

Yayo said...

it's a trap!! haha

Cake Cop said...

Turkey: "An event that fails badly or is totally ineffectual".

Yep. That about sums it up.

Cake Cop said...

Are you a breast or thigh, man?

Let's look on the bright side.... At least the vegetarians get to eat turkey. Now who wants to carve?

RedHead said...

It's not an improvement, IT'S A TRAP!

Lol.