Friday, November 19, 2010

The Wrecks Which Shall Not Be Named

Friday, November 19, 2010

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who know Harry Potter 7 is opening this weekend, and those who couldn't give a flying wrackspurt.

Now, since John is a HUGE Potter geek (and I'm only a regular-sized one), it makes sense for him to write today's Potter post. However, to make today's commentary enjoyable for all our readers, I, Jen, will be providing muggle-friendly translations.

Take it away, John!


Wow. I'd say I'm too proud to let this Wreckerator take me for a ride with this wreck, but that might seem...hippogriffical.

Heh. Aheh. Heh.


TRANSLATION: A "hippogriff" is half horse, half eagle. Kind of like this cake is half airbrush, half blobby bits, and half cardboard. Also, I stink at math. But that's not part of the translation.

What's that, John? Hurry up? Oh. Ok. I'm done. Carry on.


Professor Flitwick was not amused.

TRANSLATION: Short joke.



Cor! Has Professor Trelawney been foreseeing something GRIM here? [chortle]

TRANSLATION: See, Trelawney sometimes has the gift, which is the ability to prophesy, and there's this legendary creature called The Grim, and...uh..

[blinking]

It's a fortune teller joke.

Moving on.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give this wreck a 9 3/4.

Bwahahaha!!


TRANSLATION: Fractions are [jazz hands] maaaagical.

[whispering]

No, that was not me being sarcastic. You wanna see me being sarcastic? Ask me how I like your flip-flops.

[more whispering]

Well, where *do* you want to have this conversation? Because seriously: we need to talk about those flip-flops.


"What has it got in its pocketses!?!"

Well, it's either a green donut on a wand, or he's REALLY happy to see you.

TRANSLATION: Unnecessary. (I hope.)


Here we have a classic case of "Abracadabra" vs "Avada Kedavra:"


TRANSLATION: Muggle magic is to top hats and rabbits what wizard magic is to blowing your roof off. Word.


And finally....

[stunned silence]

TRANSLATION: That was a stunned silence.


Elizabeth C., Kala M., Holly E., Audrey B., Becca T., Rebecca J., here's hoping these wrecks were magically delicious!
The Boob Nazi said...

Gollum! WTF?!

I am so sad I didn't see it last night.

Lisa B said...

Oh dear God, where to begin??? Cake 1 - did the airbrush clog or is that some kind of Chinese graffiti running across the cake dissing Harry for the whole Cho Chang business? And what is with the tip of that hat on #2? The little wizard is not amused, or erect either, apparently. C'mon look at it, I'm not the only one out there whose mind is in the Diagon Alley gutter...

homeschoolmommy said...

Jen, I love your translations. :-)

Bakingdom said...

Gollum and green donut ring toss?! Really?!

And on that last cake...sure he has a massive bald spot, blood running down his forehead, his nostrils have grown closed, and he's obviously been smearing bubotuber pus on his skin, but at least his eyes are green, right?

Jayme said...

ohmygoodness.

That's really bad.

My "favorite" would have to be the one of Harry's face.

T said...

haha - after watching it last night these are the best! Shoot, on 3 hours of sleep I'm easily amused :)

Anne-with-an-e said...

I'm a muggle when it comes to Harry Potter (I read the first one, and I can't remember if I stopped there or after the second; I still haven't seen any of the movies), but even I, when seeing Gollum, started humming, "One of these things is not like the other. One of of these things just doesn't belong."
How's that for crossing the streams?

Anonymous said...

Oh... My...

Someone crossed the streams, and I can't believe you didn't mention it. Potter and Gollum?? I'm not going near that green doughnut thingy.

*Plus, "stupid bunny".* That one might have been fine without the rabbits/hats.

*shocked*

Poor Prof. Flitwick.

Love John's commentaries. Love the 'translations'.

~~Di

wv - brown. Just brown... since when are these REAL words????

Costumeholic said...

I am one of the people who know that Harry Poter 7, part 1 is coming out today, who would go watch it at the theatre in Ravenclaw uniform, but who can't for lack of a Baby-sitter! (The sacrifices we do as parents!)

Kathleen said...

Harry Potter...Vulcan?

Who knew?

Jessica White said...

I agree with T - I'm easily amused on next to no sleep. I came here specifically to see if there were Harry Potter cakes and once again, you did not disappoint! Those are some seriously scary cakes!

The movie was AMAZING!!! The best one yet! I can't wait to see it again!

HazMatt said...

Uy, that last one looks less like Harry Potter and more like Snow White became a bit more bookish, decided to cut her hair hipster short, and developed a really bad skin condition.

Anonymous said...

The last cake is what you'd get if Harry had been a Vulcan. Or maybe if Mr. Spock had gone to Hogwarts.

Sharon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chuck, Michelle, Abby, and Caleb said...

Well you might as well go on and put the Epcot alert level up to "orange". You know that you're going to have TONS of people yelling that Harry Potter is of the devil...yada yada yada.
These wrecks are evil regardless of whether HP is or not.
Good luck fielding comments today! We actually got a babysitter tonight so we get to go see it tonight! YAY!

Jillayne said...

Gollum and HP do not belong on the same cake. Making it more wreck worthy.

Christina Wilsdon said...

I think that last one, the "portrait" of Harry, is made with the contents of a cheese ball, not frosting.

Amanda M said...

I hate flip flops.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that last cake is of Bentley from the jeffersons!

Goueznou said...

Oh, it's the Shorting Hat.

*ba-dum-bum*

Lizziebeth10 said...

I'm thinking that Little Wizard is, well, pretty little...

Halesbales said...

OK, is that first one cake or a bird swooping down on a plate of sushi? Cause those wasabi globs are makin me crave a shrimp tempura roll...
And the Gollum snafu... That wreckerator should be subjected to the same punishment as the Star Trek/Star Wars stream crossers. You know who you are! SHAME

karaethon said...

Oh good, I was afraid they might leave Gollum out of the Deathly Hallows movie. This wreck gives me new hope.

....<_<

Jennifer said...

Oh god!! More Harry Potter?! I'm about ready to barf up a singing hat. I'm so sick of Harry Potter (I've never been a fan, I know that means I'm about to be ostracized but meh just isn't my cup of tea). And since I'm a college student EVERYONE was out last night in Potter gear for the premiere. Seriously.

Keeley said...

On that first one, I think Harry is riding a hippogull--sure looks more like a seagull than an eagle to me!

Good translations too.

WV: bitym--bitym a little picky when it comes to details

Aliza said...

Thanks @Sharon... even with the clue Jen & John provided, I could not for the life of me figure out what that wreck was. And I've inhaled all the books (finishing 700+ page pre-ordered books in less than 24 hours does not quite qualify as "reading")!

@Lisa B... you're quite right about the shape of the tip of the poor Sorting Hat! I guess our minds are hanging out together :)

And as for the last one... at least the wreckerator tried to do the design, rather than cheat with edible paper.

Meghan said...

I was hoping you would do Potter wrecks today!

My husband bought me a non-wreck Harry Potter cake (a small, smoothly iced, modestly decorated cake with all the words spelled correctly and a HP toy placed appropriately in the top left corner) for my first birthday we celebrated together - partly because I'm a HUGE HP nerd and partly because Harry and I (and J.K. Rowling) share a birthday - and it was the coolest surprise ever. Had he presented me with one of these wrecks instead, I'm not sure if we would be married now. ;)

Shout out to John for being a super Potter fan! Have you been to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter? It's the coolest ever. Just, ever.

Thanks for being awesome!

Meghan

Anonymous said...

The first cake looks like Harry is riding a seagull over a field of deformed lettuce. Somebody call the Herbology department!

I still don't know what cake #4 is supposed to be, other than "ugly."

Anonymous said...

How much do you want to bet that "Little Wizard" was Peter's second birthday cake?

Heidi D said...

You know how in baseball the batter warms up and has weights on the bat? Maybe those are wand weights!

I'd like it to be of note that I couldn't see it last night. That's what happens when you have kids. They beg you to wait for them to get out of school. "For the love of Dumbledore, take us with you!" shouts the youngest while wearing footie pj's. Yes, we are nerds.

How can I ignore such cries? Of course we have to wait for Jeff to get off work too. Sigh. That's what happens when you have kids and expose them to fantastic literature. They become just as obsessed as the parents.

I would also like to add, we are not dressing up. Well, Jeff is going to wear his Gryffindor scarf my mom knitted him, but that's cuz it's cold.

Brandie said...

Tell me that isn't Plastic Confetti like you put on tables, in cards, etc on the Abracadabra cake? Ummm... seriously? Stomach aches and magical poo?

Classic Steve said...

Took me a full minute to realize #2 was a hat and not a blue pile of, well, #2. Stupid CCC.

ellie said...

Ok, maybe I'm missing something, but 9 and 3/4 isn't a funny fraction! You catch the train to Hogwarts on Platform 9 and 3/4s. But you knew that and so does everyone else, I'm sure.

Love the blog!

Anonymous said...

Jazz hands ARE magical. Watch! See? I'm invisible . . .

Love the translations, but my keyboard doesn't. When will I learn not to drink coffee and read your blog at the same time?

~C from MA

Anonymous said...

#4 reminds me of a barbecue (is that a building floating in that swirling vortex of striped gray icing waves?)

re: #5--Why IS there a green doughnut on a magic wand???

for non-Potter people...9 3/4 really refers to the location of the train station platform for the Hogwart's Express train. It's between the 9 and 10 platforms. apparently, young wizards must run into a brick column between 9 and 10 and voila! 9 3/4 is magically in there somewhere.

Just watch the first movie. it's pretty early on. :)

Sariah said...

I'm too tired from waiting in line for 15 hours then watching the movie and getting home at 3 am, then having to get up and get my kids off to school to say anything clever. So I'll stick with...

Awesome. I love you guys.

Jillian said...

All the King's horses, and all the King's men...well, they just couldn't put Harry Potter together again.

Let Them Eat Cake said...

The last cake is obviously Harry in mid-Polyjuice potion transformation. Kudos to the wreckerator for capturing such a difficult scene. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Not being a true "geek" myself, I was amazed that I not only knew who Gollum was, but that he did not belong on anything HP related. If I know that, ANYONE else should, too!

Would have been funnier with Barney rather than Gollum....just a thought...

ncsudancelover said...

I think the last cake must be a portrait of Harry after receiving Hermionie's stinging curse...riiiiight... yeah, that's it. ;o)

Jennifer said...

Oh frick! That was utterly hilarious - the title of today's wreck had me gasping in expectation, and the hippogriff joke was about the best EVER!!

I'm soooo flipping excited that the movie is out!

I'm a HUGE HP freak, but I couldn't tell what some of the cakes were supposed to be.

Elizabeth Douglas said...

Oh my gosh! You nearly Avada Kedavra'd me with laughter! Honestly, I'm sitting here at work, in my quidditch uniform...yes, for real, and the first wreck has my name on it! I love anything potter related, and the release of Deathly Hallows (which I'm seeing tonight!) has made nearly every blog I care about focus on it! :D I even blogged my fair share of Potterific sweaters on my sweater blog yesterday.

Oh, and that Gollum cake, whoever wrecked that must have been demented...literally!

As always, you guys are supermegafoxyawesomehot!

~Liz

Rebecca said...

That was hilarious!

As a huge Harry-Potter-books-but-not-the-movies fan, my favorite was the one with gollum and a random wand (maybe?) with a green ring on it.

Herouth said...

OK, about that last one. It's perfectly acceptable to draw a Harry Potter who does not look like Daniel Radcliffe. After all, the illustrations on the books did not look like Daniel Radcliffe. So it's fine. Absolutely fine. Just... Why make him look like Stephen Hawking?

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

#1... Are green things those wads of gum?

#4... Okay... I am guessing Harry Potter with a 2-D Hogworts Express steaming down a 3D track... I am guessing Hedwig's cage on top of Victorian psychiatrist's couch... on top of stylized clouds? Clear as mud! WWHPD?

Marj said...

Ouch. Harry Potter looks like someone was trying to make the Brain from Pinky and the Brain (cartoon about two wierdo mice) and then said oh wait, let's make Harry Potter because he's more popular. This is the first time I have ever commented, and I've followed your blog for at least a year now. Brain Potter inspired me.

Nonna Beach said...

I could care less about Harry Potter etc. but I am so happy that so many kids and adults have rediscovered reading thru the books..but wait...Gollum on one of the cakes ? What the...??? ( I am an avid LOTR fan from way back, BEFORE the movies )That is as crazy as Godzilla VS King Cong !

archersangel said...

some of those cakes look like something the dursleys would give harry for his birthday. if they bothered to remember it.

jengersnap said...

I've never wheezed out a laugh in my life, but with the Epic Journey cake, a sound unlike any I've ever heard before came out of me.

Had to be the pocket rocket joke. It definately was "precious".

Wow. Nice job, guys!

Vivi Bee said...

Oh maaaaaaaaaan.

Why didn't I see this coming? These cakes...wow. Just...wow.

Also that final cake seems to be staring at my soul, slowly eating it away D:

Susie said...

Aw, Harry died from a sharp blow to his forehead, else why the staring, lifeless eyes and blood seeping from his hair?

Karel said...

ROFL - sadly I didn't need the translations but they were hilarious.

Karel said...

ROFL - sadly I didn't need the translations but found them exceedingly entertaining and hilarious anyway.

Nancy said...

yea, John! (I think my fave of his comments is the 9-3/4 - ROFL! So clever!!!!!!)

john said...

I guess Harry is just going after the brass ring.

I would love to see what would happen if someone ordered an "HP" cake.

Jane said...

omg those cakes are just too much fuglinesss lol

Mary Connealy said...

When will I learn not to be eating while I read this blog. Splattered keyboard and near death choking



again

Anonymous said...

... tapping foot....
waiting for the real invisibility
cloak...
and I never would have quessed that #2 was a sorting hat!
Somebody send those wreckerators a screamer.
Thank you...{patting hair back in place}

Mocking

Lily Marie :) said...

Maybe it's my hour and 45 minutes of sleeping I got after HP7, combined with school and tests and such, but Gollum on a HP cake? is there *any* way to explain that?!?!

mc49735 said...

Guess what? I know the truth behind the last of the horrors on this post! The Wrecktorator was actually using this lovely discontinued Wilton cake pan. See? That's how it SHOULD look. It appears that Hagrid sat on the disgusting creation featured here. After it was dragged through the Forbidden Forest and nibbled on by Blast Ended Skrewts, that is.

I recognized it the moment I saw it, because I happen to own the same one. My cakes were never this terrifying, but then, I'm also capable of following the provided pattern.

omniscience said...

That is totally a picture of Gollum not Dobbie!

Anonymous said...

The only thing I recognized was Gollum . . . and the rabbits in the hats . . . so don't give a . . . whatever Jen said in the beginning of the post . . . about the Potter movie.

JB said...

The chunky pieces of Harry's face make me want to vomit, mostly because it looks like that's what it's made of

stashmuffin said...

Let me have a van gogh at that last one.

missnay said...

DEATHLY HALLOWS PEOPLE!!
WEE HOOOOO!

Anonymous said...

That last cake looks like what would result if Harry, Dobby and Spock had a three way...sorry about that mental image folks.

WV: Sclambo - One of the rare magical species that Luna and her husband Rolf studied during their extensive travels.

Gina said...

The books are seriously called "Magic" "Wizards" and "Dragons?" That's the best they could come up with?

Chantelle said...

Woooo!! Like so many others in the comment section I am nearly delusional from only getting an hour and a half of sleep last night :) But I nearly fell off the sofa laughing at that last cake. Hooray for so many Cake Wreck fans being such big HP nerds!!! :D :D :D

Anonymous said...

That last one looks a bit like Janet Reno!

Cristine said...

Yay HP! Terrible cakes lol, I'm crossing my fingers for a hp sunday sweets! Pretty please?

Cdaae663 said...

I tried evanesco on those horrid abominations, but it didn't work. They must have protective charms on them or something.

jen said...

I'm fairly certain that the last one is the offspring of Liza Minelli and Sloth from The Goonies, as rendered in pimento cheese. Yikes!

Arlene said...

I am stunned by that last cake.. stunned like a deer caught in headlights. That would give one nightmares just trying to cut into it lol.

Jennifer said...

Looks like a few of these eyesores were created by someone who put the word 'pot' in Potter.

MissNay said...

so what did everyone think that saw the movie? anyone? anyone?

Anonymous said...

The whole post leading to one question, why does a harry potter cake (cake number 5) have GOLLUM on it?
Saw the movie, it was awesome!

ttv said...

Wow! Amazing cake for today.

shaz said...

Woo hoo, I'm going to see HP7 tomorrow! What on (middle) earth is going on with that "When Harry met Gollum" cake????

Jules said...

someone should put a taboo on these cakes!! I think they put me under an imperius curse because I just...can't...look... away! Great comments, Jon, and great translations, Jen!

@MissNay: saw it (at midnight!), loved it!!! I thought it was really well done. I laughed, I screamed, I sobbed (yes, really). But I loved every minute of it. And yes, I was one of those crazy costumed people: I went as Tonks, complete with pink hair!!

Isabel said...

You know you're seriously cake deprived when you look at those cakes and go "Uhm, I'd still eat them."
Damn all diets!


However, no amount of sugar-deprivation would make me drool over crusty, decolorised Harry-cake. I *do* have some dignity left!

The Mocha Monster said...

That last cake, isn't that supposed to be when Harry's hit with a swelling spell? At least I hope so.

Heather said...

"Harry" kinda looks like he's wearing . . . lipstick. . . on the last cake. Wow. :(

Clara said...

The one with Gollum was both sinful and hysterical. I'm a die hard LOTR fan and just a regular HP fan, so I couldn't believe someone could mess that up like that.
My mom looked at the 9 3/4 cake and just kept saying, "What? Whaaaat? WHAT?" and then she cried, "But WHY ARE THERE LINES GOING ACROSS THE CUPCAKES? WHY?!" Props to Jen for the muggle-friendly translations, by the way; hysterical!

Sharon said...

"There are two kinds of people in the world: those who know Harry Potter 7 is opening this weekend, and those who couldn't give a flying wrackspurt."

I guess I fall into the latter category. I know who Harry Potter is, but I haven't read any of the books or seen any of the movies.

That said, I understand where some of these cakes are coming from, but #4? I see a train wreck on a BBQ grill, a suitcase, and a bird cage? The colors are horrible and not something that I'd want to eat. I KNOW there's a train in the story because on Ace of Cakes, they made one for their movie debut, but sorry, I just don't get what this is mess is suppose to represent.

Sharon's Edible Art

Pauline said...

Stunned silence HP cake - just take a look at Daniel Radcliffe in twenty years time.......then again sorry Daniel. Looking forward to some thanksgiving specials from you. cheers Pauline x
PS I think the 'Nothing' Cake would make a good T shirt design so poignant.

GwendolynSnow said...

I LOVE THIS!!! Squeeeeeeel!!!
Love that y'all are catering to us HP GEEKS! ~8-D

Kendall said...

Gollum...?

Psh, muggles. Can't trust them with anything.

I can't WAIT to see Deathly Hallows. I AM PUMPED MAN. PUMPED.

ramyaaaa said...

I'm a harry potter fan and these cakes are hilarious! I would have to say that the first and last cake were my favorite. The colors of the first cake make it very unappetizing and honestly gross. The last cake with Harry Potter's face is beyond amusing. It actually looks like he doesn't have any ears.

The second to last cake (Happy Birthday Erin) is pretty funny too. The whole concept of having bunnies coming out of hats is related to Harry Potter, how? Very funny.

I really enjoy reading your remarks below the pictures.The "green donut" on the wand (Congratulations on your Epic Journey cake) was hilarious. Thanks for keeping us amused!

Lois said...

I think that Harry has some sort of cranio-facial condition as well as a clear case of hyperthyroidism - his eyes are clearly about to pop out of his head.

Scary

andy said...

That first cake looks toxic! Ughh. I love your blog and have been coming here for a long time. I featured your blog on my site, http://andyd.org/?p=16

Caroline said...

How dare you say that about harry !:0 every one in 4 grade wants to see the 7 :0 - word ? ?:(

Anonymous said...

At first glance, I thought the third cake (with the books and crystal ball) was a really, really bad Stargate SG-1/Harry Potter crossover/mashup. That crystal ball really looks like a Stargate, with the base as a ramp.

Sara said...

A hippogriff is half eagle, half lion, not half eagle half horse. -.-

Anonymous said...

@Sara A griffin is a half lion, half eagle. A hippogryph IS a half eagle, half horse much like a hippocampus is a half horse, half fish.