Monday, November 1, 2010

Prime Candidates

Monday, November 1, 2010

The following are paid political advertisements by the candidates for East Paulsbo Bakery Oversight Commissioner, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Cake Wrecks or its affiliates.


Friends, when you go to vote tomorrow, consider this: do you want someone loyal, trustworthy, and true overseeing your county bakeries?

"These glasses show I'm smart AND intelligent."

Someone with a firm grip on his patriotism?

"They call me...Blue Steele."


OR....do you want Gretchen Schankhausen?

[Pyscho music]


Ernie Snerdbergler: "I'm Ernie Snerdbergler, and I speak for you, the American people. I stand against plastic flotsam and terrorism. Unlike my opponent, Gretchen Shankhoosier, who I hear speaks French.

So tomorrow, choose hope. Choose AMERICA. Choose...Ernie Snerdbergler.


----------------------------------------------------


Gretchen Schankhausen believes all children should be happy on their birthdays. Not so with Ernie Snerdbergler, who, in case you haven't noticed, has "bergler" in his name.


Do you want a burglar in charge of your bakery oversight advisory boards? Of course you don't.

Gretchen Schankhausen is a life-long baker, community activist, and volunteer frog neuterer.

That shows how responsible Gretchen Schankhausen is. Gretchen Schankhausen cares.

Tomorrow, vote for cake. Vote against robbery. Vote...for Gretchen Schankhausen.

--------------------------------------------------


Gretchen Schankhauser loves devil's food.

Gretchen sound bite: "Oh, Devil's food is my favorite!"

Ernie Snerdbergler, however, loves children, decency, and the American way. Ernie Snerdbergler KNOWS America.


Just look at this video clip of Ernie Snerdbergler playing catch with children on a playground, surrounded by more children, who clearly adore him, and also kittens. Lots and lots of kittens. Clearly, he is the only *safe* choice for your county bakery commissioner.

This November, vote against the devil. Vote for kittens. Ernie Snerdbergler: 'cuz kids love him.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A "bergler" is trying to steal Gretchen Schankhausen's good name. However, you should know that Gretchen Schankhausen is actually an angel in disguise.


Woodland creatures love Gretchen Schankhausen. Gretchen Schankhausen once healed a blind man by accidentally sneezing on him. Honest.

Plus, Ernie Snerdbergler eats babies for breakfast.

That's a fact.

Note: the above statement has not been proven to be factual.


So tomorrow, if you ever want a disguised angel to sneeze on you, or if you don't want your babies eaten, then vote for Gretchen Schankhausen.


Kit, Kaitlin W., Caitlyn P., Shannon K., Bonnie, Allison, Aimee, & Sarah, just think: after tomorrow, no more campaigning!

Yep, I'll eat cake to that.
Mamakitty1978 said...

I am glad I didnt have any coffee in my mouth when I came across the "firm grip on his patriotism" cake! I could have ruined my laptop. I laughed so freaking hard (no pun intended)

Joanna said...

And the end of campaigning cannot come soon enough, as I'm pretty sure that watching or reading political ads actually makes me dumber with each new claim.
Thanks for a great post! I especially like the creepy baby cupcakes around the pregnant belly. Nothing like an allusion to cannibalism to celebrate a new life!

Gary said...

Everything west of Lubbock, Texas has seceded from Ernie's map.

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Lol! Brilliant XD

I too am against the devil and wish to vote for kittens. (The word verification was "alicat". awesome!)

Czechers said...

It took me a while to figure out what the patriotism cake was. At first all I could see was a nose.

Janibach said...

The babies, the boobies and the belly.... How could anyone think it, make it or eat it? It's just... wrong.

The Boob Nazi said...

I love this. I can't wait until tomorrow is over. ugh.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I've been reading this for a while and this has to be the funniest one yet. You take the cake (pun, ah, intended) for getting the satire exactly right but so over the top (and completely filled with humorous asides. And cake, of course) it's bearable. Because nobody likes an actual political ad.

- V from Mass

Anonymous said...

That first one is a caricature of John Lennon, isn't it? If not, the wreckerator should just say it is.

phantomessj said...

"firm grip on his patriotism" and "Blue Steele" made me cry with mirth! If anyone came into my office then, they'd think I'd lost my mind.

Another fabulous post, as always.

Maren said...

Reading, laughing, smiling, and then RECOILING IN HORROR at those baby cupcakes! Augh! What kind of person with eyeballs that work would pick up one of those things and happily bite into it?
Ernie Snerdbergler, that's who.

Anonymous said...

Firm. Grip. On His. Patriotism!! I nearly died laughing there. And then I saw the last cake... How do you say "I want a baby cupcake!" without feeling weird? You're eating the whole baby. So many levels of wrong... Love it!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! (My first comment on CW!) - Teresa

Nicole said...

Is it just me or can thise babies at 5 and 9 o'clock use a little butt paste? Nothing worse than eating diaper rash!

Bakingdom said...

I love the "fact" that Ernie Snerdbergler eats babies for breakfast! LOL! I'm surprised an actual politicians hasn't thrown that one out there about their opponent! They're all so ridiculous!

Although, I have to say...I miss the good ole days of regular stateside campaigning. There is a special kind of lunacy to it here in the Virgin Islands.

manybellsdown said...

I swear this is a word-for-word copy of the California governor's race with the names changed. They actually sound like that.

Sharon said...

"Gretchen Schankhausen is a life-long baker, community activist, and volunteer frog neuterer...."

That's when I lost it! Glad I wasn't drinking anything at the time or I'd be wiping down my computer screen.

Love it!

But seriously, let's get out and vote tomorrow. We need leadership better than the mentality of these wreckerators. God help us, I hope there's still some smart and sane people still left in the world!

Sharon's Edible Art

SuBee said...

If you eat those baby cupcakes, the terrorists win.

Her Self said...

Breaking News:

We have a sound clip where Gretchen Schankhausen says of the poor: "Let them eat cake." Now whether that's a snide remark against the poor or a rockin' awesome campaign promise is up to America to decide.

Donkaloosa said...

I'm still trying to wonder where in the hell you came up with "volunteer frog neuterer." I think I'm going to have to use that in conversation sometime today!

Tenielle said...

Am I a horrible person if I say I quite like the pregnancy cake? *hides from rabid Wreckinators*

My image verification thingie is "gumsgul"... The most ineffectual bad guy in LOTR history?

Amanda said...

I am constantly amazed how many baby cakes there are and wonder about the sanity of those eating them.

Juno said...

After having reached my limit on all political campaigning weeks ago, all I can say is "You are amazing and I love you for it!"

Pwnage.ro said...

the first cake looks like someone i know!

Anonymous said...

EPBOC? "C"? Seriously? What happened to the "T"?

I almost didn't look, as I have had it with campaign crap. Especially the ones who decide to call my 'non-published, private' number at unholy hours. (while I'm sleeping)

Glad I did, as I severely needed the giggles this morning!!

~~Di

BADKarma! said...

Can I just write in Meatwad and have done with it?

Anonymous said...

I looked up Ernie Snerdbergler on YouTube and it asked me, "Did you mean: ernie terdburglar?"
Yeah.

drgns4vr said...

After seeing all those baby cupcakes I had to wonder who Octomom is plugging.

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

Don't have any idea who these people are, but this is hysterical!!! I heart Cake Wrecks! Makes me laugh every day!!

KEI said...

I live in Iowa...so while all of you might get a break from campaigning for awhile it will start up again for us in about 6 weeks for the 2012 elections (1st in the nation caucuses and all). Enjoy your break. *sigh* Thank you for the post though - LOL worthy!

Heather said...

The glasses in the first cake don't have a bridge across the nose... how are they staying on?

And with the baby cupcakes... do you go butt first or head first... either way is just wrong! And Nicole totally got me with the butt paste comment! Love it!

kittymidori said...

if you vote for Gretchen, you vote for ALIEN POD BABIES!!!! they will sprout from cupcakes and eat YOU!!!!!!!

seriously, those baby cupcakes are disturbing. its as if a baker was on meth while looking at an Anne Geddes calender and decided to go on a baking spree.

Lily said...

Every time i read these posts I make sure there are no liquids in my mouth. I learned to do that the hard way... (moment of silence for my previous computer who drowned)

Craig said...

The baby cupcakes -- Oy! Could we not have used picks? That way, the babies aren't consumed and no risk is run that some of them will look like frogs. This may be a first: a case where flotsam *should* have been used.

wv: palin. I am not kidding.

debbo said...

Cake # 4 - Please pass the eye bleach.

Cake # 8 - Ooh, seafood! a la Babies on the half - shell!

wv: scroothu

Mary Connealy said...

LOL this is so, so, so, so close to how the campaign ads really sound it's just terrifying...in a hilarious way of course.

Susie said...

Those baby cupcakes are amazing! Disturbing, like nightmares for the rest of my life if I actually ate one disturbing, but amazing. How about these artists stick to ceramic or something non-edible?

Swanky Mom said...

I am still wondering on how can someone willingly could bite on those baby cupcakes...

C.J Ellis said...

Delicious, delicious babies...

Fluffy Cow said...

*Standing ovation*

JuliaKoponick said...

I will be soooo glad when this campaign is over. I can stop the calls asking me if "So and So" can count on my vote. In Oregon we vote by mail, so I voted well over a week ago. I am still getting calls, even though my ballot is turned in, and I couldn't change my vote if I wanted.

Anyway, I love these political commercials, maybe by nest election season we will see real "cake" commercials

Bree said...

That's probably the most disturbing baby cake I've ever seen. It's like a headless torso commanding her army of demon spawn to enact terror on helpless cake eaters.

The angel one isn't too bad though. At least the decorator has a sense of what the shape should look like.

The frogs look as fed up as I am with these TV political ads. Tomorrow can't end fast enough.

Amy said...

Oh, Jen. I so love you. You make my day. Seriously.

Of course, I'm for Devil's food AND kittens. I guess that makes me an Undecided.

Cakelady72 said...

What's wrong with the little babies' heads? They have little bumps all over them. Creepy

Aliza said...

Ontario's municipal elections were over last week, so thankfully this is no longer our reality. Except for when we watch US television channels... we get the ads and so yell at our TVs, but don't get to vote! Minor technicality of being a foreign country ;)

Love this post-- you got the opponent bashing with no useful platform information down perfectly! (it's getting harder and harder to be an informed voter ).

Firm grip on patriotism took a second glance to truly "get" the point. But oh, was it worth it!! All that was missing was the white stars above it (fireworks, of course LOL)

And that pregnant lady/baby cake... shudder. I don't know what about it was so horrible, but I think that's one of the worst you've posted (the meat baby from the other day being blotted from my mind). And, of course... babies too young to turn themselves over should be BACK TO SLEEP, to prevent SIDS, never placed face-down for a nap. Tummy time when awake is fine (There's your public health message of the day. Guess where I work?).

triny purple elephant said...

the baby cupcakes are creepy.. i could never eat that.

also i think i know someone who looks like the first cake lol!!!!

Anonymous said...

Firm grip on his patriotism *snort* *giggle* ROTFLMBO! Let freedom ring! (ding dong)

"Oooohhh, babies are just so adorable I could eat them up!" was taken out of context by my opponent!

wv: cusliti: I vote for Ernie Snerdbergler cusliti itti bitti babies told me to.

Maureen said...

My 7 year old said, "I wouldn't want to eat their butts!" about the baby cake. I wholeheartedly agree! Also, my 4 year old saw the "angel" and asekd "What is that supposed to be?" I told her an angel. "That doesn't look like an angel." So true!

Anonymous said...

I had to go back & look at the baby cake because of Nicole! LOL! And then noticed that only 3:00 pooped a daisy!

wv: efessit. EPBOC promises to reduce the efessit, or was that raise it?

Kaitlyn said...

Phew! No EPCOT yet!

Pilgrim said...

Oh dear God ....baby bottom cupcakes! What sort of cannibal eats baby butts? Aggghhhhh!

I vote for kittens.

Wild Child said...

Ew, cupcake babies WITH a headless pregnant torso (and why is she showing off her bell AND cleavage). And who would even ORDER that kind of cake set up? WHO?

MissNay said...

ok the last cake is scary beyond all reason.

ksaldria said...

That last one looks like Anne Geddes' worst nightmare. Or maybe my worst nightmare, it's hard to tell.

Anonymous said...

Those baby cupcakes bring a new meaning to "fetal bites."

SuBee said...

I'm voting for Maureen's children. They show more common sense than most of the candidates running this year.

Stephanie said...

Much as I miss living in the States at times, I am not sorry to have missed the campaign ads. I still remember the ones from 2004 and I have to say this was a very well done parody.

msyendor said...

Next on political Survivor challenge:

Raw, fully formed baby/chicks still in their shell. Cut the centerpice open for the dip.

Nice commentary about which candidates will eat their own to get a vote.

I'll vote for "blue steel" for being honest on what he's feeding us.

Robin L said...

I made the baby eating comment yesterday morning (October 31) on the NPR Monkey See blog. Except it was Glenn Beck instead of Ernie S. I made the comment in response to a guy who kept making ridiculous statements & following them with 'It's a fact.' It was my attempt to show him that saying something is a fact, doesn't make it so.

AlisonH said...

Funniest.Post.EVER!

Gracie said...

Thank you for such a hilarious relief to my day! If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were parroting the Congressional race in my county in TN!

Dennis said...

Wow! Dodecamom has got Octomom beat!

Anonymous said...

Wow, it's like you read my mail. Fliers like that pour out of the mailbox Every Single Day. It's almost tempting to just vote for whomever spams me the Least.

Oh, and those baby cupcakes are seriously creepy!

-Holly

Anonymous said...

XD XD XD funniest post in a while

IrisFleuron said...

Those baby cupcakes....eeeewwww.

Marnie said...

Awesome post today! You always make me laugh. I vote for truth, justice, and kittens!
The only way those horrific baby cakes could be worse would be if they followed the "back to sleep" advice.
EPBOC ;-)

kayk said...

I believe cake #1 is Harry S. Truman, especially so close to Election Day.

wv: adepen. Adepen on the claims in political ads to help me decide who NOT to vote for.

Anonymous said...

those babies may be more sophisticated than the bacon diapered meat baby but no less bile-in-throat inducing

-Barbara Anne

Anonymous said...

Wow... the bell has two clappers and 24 stars - I'd given it a pass if it'd had one and 25 respectfully (But if it's a CCC, please don't get mad at me - these guys at least have the stripes in the right colors for once).

Great cakes chosen though for this montage, keep up the good work.

Mel

Arlene said...

If only the ads on the tv were this funny I wouldn't curse and change the channel lol. That last cake is scary beyond belief. And the um patriotism cake lmao... can't not laugh when my dirty mind takes over.

archersangel said...

the patriot cake has two little blue....nubs on the bottom. which just adds to the WTF? factor IMHO.

WV: prodyt
which seems like something in a political ad.

Another Fatso said...

Sadly enough, I think cakedidates are better than most of the major party candidates running in my state's races.

Another Fatso said...

Also, the baby cake - creepy yet strangely awesome.

SarahPants5 said...

That first cake looks like Stephen Colbert! He's a sexy, sexy nerd...>.>

Oh, and those baby cupcakes are insanely creepy, God I hope nobody actually ate them. And that there aren't more like them in the world. Seriously. Wow.

WV: fletsis, as in, "word jumble for "leftsis", someone who will vote on the left side of the spectrum. :P (ok, I kinda cheated, hehe.)

Elizabeth K. said...

Wow. Just, wow... To close to truth, if i get another phone call from jay buner or any one else spouting political opinions through the phone i might scream!

Thanks for the laughs, glad i do not drink and read your blogs

WV: diati. I hope no frogs will diati expense of her campaing tactics. (dont know just poped into my head)

Paranormal Activity 2 said...

The baby cake looks nice.

Anonymous said...

*12* babies??? Fun fact- with each male child a woman has, the odds of that son being gay increase by 33%, from a baseline of about 3% odds of being gay for the first son. It's called the older brother syndrome. No, I am not hating on the bald cake-man with the mesh top with boobie cutouts. You can wear what you want at a rave.

Sonia said...

LMAO Oh American Patriotism you! Inow have to clean my monitor. This is why I NEVER read Cakewrecks with the morning coffee in my hand!

Dawn said...

you know, that baby belly cake wasn't so very bad, with the artistic draping and all...the chocolate(?) babies surrounding it though...do you bite the head off first, or start at the legs?

Valerie said...

I have to say those baby cupcakes are amazing! Creepy, but amazing :)

Isolder74 said...

The first cake seems to be an attempt at the 'old timey' Marshie from HomestarRunner.com

Then again it is missing the top hat.

Anonymous said...

Blue steel...still can't stop laughing...I think I peed my pants!!! :)

Christina said...

That last one actually made me shudder!

Anonymous said...

I think Cake #1 was pretty well done. I don't know about anyone else, but I see John McCain drawn in just a few tastefully spare lines.

Jacob said...

You should totally turn that into a cakewrecks video exclusive.

Sara said...

I would actually find it extremely horrifying to eat a piece of cake created to look like a pregnant woman's breast...

Electrical Storm said...

So... wtf happened to Texas :)

Anonymous said...

Oh man, the "Someone with a firm grip on his patriotism?" killed me! Now to go make the husband read the post...

Delia Jean Streefkerk said...

Cake #2 ... talk about the "rocket's red glare." I am guessing that is what the firm grip thing really was supposed to be, or maybe a firecracker.

I don't understand the final cake, with the babies and the Great Boob Goddess. Who would want that at their shower?

hyphen8 said...

Thanks for this great post - I only wish the real ads were anywhere near this funny.

The mute button on the remote will get a rest now that the political season is finally over.

About that last cake: I have to wonder what the person who ordered it was thinking...and whose idea it was to put bows and flowers all over the baby corpses. Ewww.

Beck said...

Aww, I'd totally vote for the Troublesome Truck cake (#3).

EKM said...

Patrioticock.

Mary C said...

I'm way late on this post but it's hilarious! I love Jen. I love the stuff she writes. That's most of the reason this stuff is funny! *sigh* I don't vote for cannibals. Especially cannibals who eat babies! I want to be sneezed on by an angel in disguise! I vote for Van Hoosen!