Monday, November 22, 2010

It's About Standards

Monday, November 22, 2010

Warning: Juvenile ding-a-ling humor ahead.

A long time ago, I (this is John, btw) brought a picture of the famous sexual harassment cake to our local bakery, to see if the Nice Older Ladies there would recreate it for a party.

The encounter went something like this:

Me: [handing over picture] "Hi there! I was wondering if you could make a cake like this for me."

Nice Older Lady: [looking at picture] "Uh..." [gasping in horror] [looking at me as though I was a dirty, demon-possessed pervert] "No."

Me: [embarrassed] "Oh, well, the cake is saying that kind of behavior is bad. See, that's what the big 'NO' sign means." [smiling innocently]

Nice Older Lady: [flagging down Nice Older Manager Lady]

Nice Older Manager Lady: [looking at picture] [calling security] [writing down my physical description in a big red book] [smiling thinly] "I'm sorry, sir. We don't put smut on cakes."


So, sure, that was embarrassing, and now I can't shop for croissants without being shadowed by Billy the stock boy, but the good news is that bakeries have a line, and one that will not be crossed. Which is a relief, because otherwise these cakes might have had me worried.


Bazinga.


Fortunately there's nothing suggestive about balls or bases or long wooden...

Oh.

Wait.

It's a basketball court.

Riiiiiight.


Oh what a tangled web we weave,

When first we...

Spidey! Stop that!

Didn't your parents ever tell you you'll go blind?


Now this is some crotch rocket:

Looks like it'll be flying under a full moon, too. [bah dum cha!]


Thanks Elisabeth M., Anony M., Laura E., Josef V., & Bethany P. Oh, and hey, could you pick me up some croissants?
The Boob Nazi said...

That first one is HORRIFYING. My eyes! My eyes!

Kelli said...

BRILLANT post!!

A.J. said...

Dear Lord. What was that first one supposed to be other than...you know.

Anonymous said...

Same reaction here: what IS that first one supposed to be? Since it's Thanksgiving week, I was trying to make a turkey out of it . . . an abstract, minimalist turkey. My husband thought it was a fire cracker. But we all know what it REALLY is. . . Yikes.

Shirley said...

It was supposed to be 'you know' though I admit it struck me as a bit, um, turdish. It also seems to be a little, back to front? No maybe thats not the phrase I'm looking for...

WV flumba - my reaction to this cake

Wendy said...

Oh, MY! The first one...the decorator HAD to know what they were doing. HAD TO!

Evalis said...

My initial instinctive id for the first cake was the NASA cake in flight. (you know, the one for "women in space, we've come a long way"?)

Deray said...

Love your Big Bang Theory comments!!! Bazinga!

Das said...

I burst out laughing at that Spidey cake! I guess now we know what he does when he runs out of spider web?

(sorry, sorry, I know it's gross but it was too easy. xD )

Donna said...

Wow...just....wow...I feel so dirty

BADKarma! said...

JUMPING HAYSOOS YEHOSEPHATS!!!!

That is all. I got nuthin' else.

Okay, I lied... SPIDEY!!! You're supposed to be a role model!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MAN!?!??!!! (sobbing hysterically and running away).

Michelle said...

#1: the only thing that would make it better was if the were fireworks coming out of the other end

#2: please tell me I'm not the only one to see the red letter 'P' and think of, well.. Ahem...

The Spiderman comments were brilliant. I love it!

It's official, I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy.

Pretzelogic in Philly PA said...

At least now we know the REAL reason Spidey wears that mask!

And, apparently, SOME bakeries will put smut on cakes!

WV: "kingsol" - brand name of the disinfectant I now feel like I need for my eyes...

Fhorn74 said...

OMGOSH! I can't stop laughing. Wow! WoW! WOW!

Kimberly Chapman said...

Spidey looks like he's scratching. I would have thought he'd have been immune to crabs.

Kelly said...

Oh my gosh - these are HILARIOUS!!!

Jillian said...

How can someone not notice this when they are making it. "oh I did such a good job" yay me!

Toni W. said...

Either the swimmers are leaving from the wrong end (typed coming, but just adds to the wrong wrong wrong), or someone is a huge Wyoming fan. (bleeds yellow and brown?)

Anonymous said...

I do believe that first cake was copied from a live model...
What in hells bells is wrong with these wreckerators?
Gazing lower than their navels too long, perhaps?
ugh
mocking

Anonymous said...

A tumescent phallic turd cake? I'm going to barf............

~flying gurl~ said...

Thank goodness I am a wonderfully married and satisfied person in a great relationship...those are....*snort* *blushingly funny*!

Jade said...

Three words:

OH.

MY.

GAWD!

Fireyes said...

Boob Nazi said it better than I could... I <3 Dr. Horrible

Trevor said...

These were just hilarious. I saw a cake last weekend that had the Washington Monument on the top. I wish I could have convinced the photographer to send you a picture of it. OMG.

But I think what has me the most curious now is whether John's story is really true or not. I'm not believing it for a second!

Anonymous said...

That first one is way too... accurate. I swear 15 year old boys are decorating these cakes.

Mamakitty1978 said...

I can not stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhh crude sexual humor is the best by far.

Stella said...

Thanks for the warning and it only could be John (the hubby of Jen). Really? You would want to put something like that into your mouth?

LeftWingLock said...

I especially like the "net weight" sticker on the first one. Apparently length *is* an overrated measurement...

Herouth said...

That first one... I suppose it's a carrot? Or maybe a palm tree? Though the colors do indicate Thanksgiving... I mean, nobody would leave a piece of turd that looks like a tonker on cake. Right? Right??

Mary Connealy said...

Let's all pause to salute the nice ladies (and stock boys) at your local bakery. Bless their hearts for having standards below which, they will not sink.

Except probably sometimes, by accident.

Siouxzr said...

In case we needed further proof of the awfulness of cake #1 -- it really takes something super terrible to distract everyone from commenting on a birthday cake with a phallic design drawn on it in flesh colored icing.

wv: blergi. the sound I made when I viewed these wrecks.

Anonymous said...

Oy...the second one. I don't remember baseball bats having a glans.

Knit Wit said...

For the love of fondant, what the heck is that last one supposed to be celebrating???? I'm at a loss for words regarding the others.

Anonymous said...

eeek, is that first cake for a Brit milah?

BethG said...

I'm a little disappointed that many of these cakes seem to be turning towards the inappropriate. I used to look at these with little kids for a laugh but this is entirely too inappropriate to share now, and there have been far too many of these for me to chalk it up to one or two funny occurrences. Sorry but I'm afraid I may have to stop following, which is a shame because I love this site, but I can't approve this for kids anymore.

T said...

all horrible... I need to scrub my corneas now!

butt I can't believe you said "bah dum cha" on the last after making a bum joke... it's bah dum BUM of course :) (

Angie said...

"Bazinga" is right. Yeowza.

Amy said...

I think the first one is trying to illustrate the fact that circumcision can kill. Looks like they whacked it off at both ends, however.

Jen said...

@ Beth G - I always put a warning on any PG-rated posts, so you're free to simply skip over those with more "adult" content. The warnings are there because *I* don't approve of the content for little kids, either. This is not a children's blog; the majority of my readers are adults, like me. You'll find ding-a-ling cakes throughout all the CW archives, dating back to the very beginning of the blog over 2 yrs ago. I'm sorry if it seems they're more frequent, though!

@ Trevor: it's a true story. Scout's honor. :D

Anonymous said...

Hehe, excellent.

And I don't understand why these aren't kid-friendly. It's icing that kinda looks like willies, and unless you want to deny the existence of a part of the anatomy possessed by 50% of the population of the planet, I see nothing wrong with giggling at that. There's nothing pornographic here, and I can guarantee that just about every child giggles at willy and booby jokes on the playground at school anyway...

JuliaKoponick said...

The lines are coming out of the wrong end on the cookie cake. lol

snarkygurl said...

I LOVE these cakes!

My old bakery had a rule about suggestive cakes are well - but some still slipped through with a few of our older decorators. I caught one of them working on a cake that had a scan of the 'shocker' hand sign with the line "It's your 30th Birthday. I hope it's not a SHOCKER!" Trying to explain what it meant with the little Spanish I had was painful, but her expression, once she understood, was hysterical. Yes, we still had to finish the cake since we did accept the order.

Knowing some of our other bakers, it wouldn't surprise me if a few of these cakes were deliberate.

Sharon said...

HILARIOUS but now I need to go poke out my minds eye!

Heidi D said...

Well, I never!

ViiriƤinen said...

D'oh. Don't they know naked babies are supposed to ride *carrots*, not *whatever-that-blue-thing-is's*

Anonymous said...

I really do wonder what the first one is supposed to be, if not a penis. I'm with Wendy. The decorator knew exactly what s/he was doing.

Easily said...

I love you guys...
Gotta love a Big Bang reference in a post full of naughty bits!

Jen Ben said...

I don't know why, but this post had me literally LOL! Thankfully I hadn't taken a sip of my coffee yet!!
Thanks John! =)

BAZINGA!!!!!

Midnight's Jinx said...

Yeah, that second one looks less like a baseball bat and more like something you can find in the 'adults only' store downtown.

WV: poratang. I don't think that needs any explanation. XD

DaMamaJama said...

Many thanks to Shirley and Michelle for commenting on the first cake before I did - I don't think I could have phrased it better without being censored

Pauline said...

Is that last one a ripoff of your mohawk carrot baby?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Spidey is doing his imitation of Michael Jackson??? O.o Just sayin.....

Paul said...

That first one is a squid. I think.

Anonymous said...

What in the world is that first one supposed to be??

Anonymous said...

Please, please, somebody tell me what that first one is really supposed to be????

This is my very favorite type of cake wreck, tra la!

ANd yeah, most kids are aware that penises exist, and would enjoy laughing with the rest of us. ;-)

Paul said...

That first one is a quid. I think.

Anonymous said...

Yay, someone else threatens to stop following cake wrecks because it's too smutty... Beth, stop being such a prude. I take it you've stopped traveling since a genital pat down has become the norm in the us of a too?
Keep up the funny posts Jen and John, my inner 13 year old boy us in hysterics after today's post!

Anonymous said...

In the timeless words of Jean K. Jean: An. Cray. Ob!

It just so happens that I have spent this afternoon lamenting the, uh, Freudian nature of my child's artwork (A lightsaber? Okie dokie...),and now you're showing off your bazinga. And it's only Monday. Sick, wrong and wonderful!

mladybright said...

Funny how this would be the day that my 16 yr old son would decide to read the CW with me.

Neither of us has an explanation for the first cake other than... what was that someone said?... a 'tonker'?? I'll have to remember that term next I'm in company of the church ladies.

Though for the life of me, why there are streams from the bottom...

*sigh* I live with too many males. I don't find the cakes shocking, but I do find the ignorance of the wreckerators unbelieveable. As in, I do NOT believe they didn't know exACTly what they were piping.

I don't think I've ever seen a baseball bat with perpendicular posts?

I'm also thinking the baby on blue was asking where his carrot was. Just cuz.

I needed the laughs today 0.o Thanks!!

~~Di

Oldish Lady said...

I will never think of a basketball court the same way.

Mary said...

I'm ashamed to say I stared at the first one a while. My best guess is that it's a 4th of July cake and that disturbing phallus is a rocket blasting off..?

Aliza said...

Another reader who enjoys reliving her crude-minded youth!! Thank you!

First one... OK, that just HAD to be what it looks like. It's far to accurate a portrayal to be merely accidental (like the multiple baseball bats you've shown here... seriously, does ANYBODY ever get a baseball bat looking like, well, a baseball bat???). I am assuming that the fact that it looks like a rocket soaring reflects the, um, pleasure the wreckerator experienced the previous night. And figured that'd be less crude than fireworks coming from the tip?

I do like Anonymous @ !:33's assumption of the occasion (Brit Milah = "bris" = circumcision ceremony for Jewish male infants)

I am a bit concerned about the proportions of cake #2... and I think the wreckerator of #3 has spent even less time on a basketball court than I have. Clearly he/she is as familiar with that sport as they are with lightsabers!

And for Spidey... um, how come nobody's commented on the icing splotches below him?

And the last one... good grief, it's well done, so what happened to to create that large blue leaning, "item"?! And, I'm assuming the baby was added after the fact, as a nod to CW's carrot jockey?

Jennifer said...

Anonymous said...

I do believe that first cake was copied from a live model...
What in hells bells is wrong with these wreckerators?
Gazing lower than their navels too long, perhaps?

--------

Um, I'm not sure it's NAVELgazing, so much as looking a little further south....

Colleen said...

I'd totally make you that cake John... I put a pair of boobs on a cake for a girl's brother's 21st birthday....but I'm the strange one...lol!

J.L. said...

You forgot to use the one from NASA's Women in Space. The Shuttle's rockets and the female astronaut was very sugestive.

ilze said...

Note to self: Don't read this blog in a public library. It hurts to keep from laughing!

andy said...

LOL! This is an especially funny post! I love them all. My favorite is the "basketball court" one. Cake Wrecks is my featured blog of the week on my site: http://www.andyd.org

ali said...

Guess spidey is a southpaw (left-handed)

Anonymous said...

OMG what were they THINKING when they made these??

Anonymous said...

Yup! Gonna have to take up watching basketball again- with a whole new appreciation for the home court!

-Barbara Anne

Carrietastic said...

John, thank you for having such an embarrassing moment at the bakery -- because I believe it's provided much amusement for your readers. At least, it has for me. :)

Bridget said...

Teehee...Bazinga...

Arlene said...

Oh please those ladies wouldn't do a sexual harassment cake but probably would put penises on their cakes lol. Just like these wreckerators did. I say they do it on purpose just to mess with the customers minds..dies laughing.

Magda said...

I believe the first one is upside down, and is supposed to be a 4th of July firework (which would explain the red white and blue border).

But that's sure not what it looks like, especially in that orientation.

Anonymous said...

My guess on the first one is a wonky carrot...

Anonymous said...

um, WOW at the first cake. just WOW.

Mama Rhu said...

I think I might actually be sick !!!
It's really, really not right, which one? .... ALL of them !!!

Anonymous said...

GOT IT! to everyone else wondering about the blue "rocket" ...

turn your computer upside down get veeeery close to the screen and the brown "what the hell is that" on either side become wings!
yes, it´s a SPACE SHUTTLE!
i think they put on baby spok as a reference to the carrot jockeys and when finished, realized:
" oh.my.god.WAT DID WE DO?! "
wrecked a cakewreck reference, how cool is that?!

LillyW said...

I am all dressed for my new job, I have my coffee, I check cakewrecks, spill coffee laughing... now I have to change my shirt. You got me John, Bazinga.

WV: eysgin. My eysgin need replacin after seeing some of these.

kayk said...

@Kimberly C: "Spidey looks like he's scratching. I would have thought he'd have been immune to crabs."

Obviously, he has (wait for it...) spider crabs.

kayk said...

Re: the first cake, I do believe it IS a firecracker, badly done (and clear out your piping nozzle -- there's a little clog that produced that sort of, well, vein... eww) and photographed upside-down. There is actually a small orange wick coming out of the end, in the middle of all the "sparkley-" things. But I wouldn't eliminate the possibility of some double-entendre mischief on the part of the wreckerator, either.

Anonymous said...

@kayk: Thanks for a plausible explanation of that tiny smidgen of orange icing on cake Number One. It was bothering me , and my own explanations were getting me nowhere child-friendly.

WV: monspar- What Spidey's doing.

Anonymous said...

Whoa. That first one if so awful. What is that?!

it's the hippy undertones said...

I'm gonna say the first cake is upside down and it's a stick of dynamite. Like ACME brand, from Roadrunner cartoons. I mean, obviously it's a penis, but I think it might supposed to be dynamite... it has a fuse? Anyone one with me?

Nonna Beach said...

The first one is not only hideous, it's not even a cake...it's a giant COOKIE ! Subject matter involved...ick factor 10+ and No wonder...JOHN posted these ! ( must be a "guy thing" pun intended )

Anonymous said...

Ummm.. .the first one... :uncomfortably covers face:

I'm sorry. I don't even know what that IS and... :looks away:

i can't believe something like that exists on a cake.

KKM said...

Oh, this is my favorite type of post! I love it when people get offended and threaten to not follow you anymore! Come on people, lighten up and have a good laugh! Keep up the hard work, or maybe I should say good work....

Juniper said...

OH... MY... GOD
MY EYES!!! O.O D:
no wait--now I know what Echo bought in the Pandora Hearts special XD
it was that first cake...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z3m6AxS1q8

Anonymous said...

Yaaaay!! Big Bang Theory reference!

Amethyst said...

This is a month before segue to Christmas... "Do you see what I see?"

Anonymous said...

Anyone remember that scene from one of the movies where Spidey's web wouldn't spin and he had to share an elevator ride with this guy who wanted to know where he got the outfit...? Anyway... remember how the Spidey told the guy that "it gets kinda *itchy*"....and that "it rides up in the crotch a little bit too"??? That's what that spidey cake reminds me of.