Tuesday, June 8, 2010

News Bites

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

This week's "top" headlines, illustrated by Wrecks.
Because that's how the news should be told.


"That's 'Sir' to you!" Star Trek's Patrick Stewart knighted.

And to mark this happy occasion, the saddest Star Trek cake I have ever seen:

Eesh. That's boldly going, all right.


Tiger Woods Hits Three Fans With His Balls

This golf cake really fits the story to a "tee," don't you think?

From the article:

Asked what he discovered at Muirfield Village, Woods laughed.

“Well, I’m capable of playing four rounds in a row,” he said. “Thank you.”




Subway Teaches World What "Tessellate" Means By Finally Agreeing to Do It To Their Cheese

Note: This cheese is not tessellated.
Nor is it cheese.
Nor do I want to sink my teeth into it.



Our final headline is actually from last month, but I had to include it anyway. Here's why:

Student Being Mugged Saved By Actual Ninjas

A-ha! See, I knew it! Ninjas are both awesome AND workers for good.

Why, just look at them all here, enjoying a friendly game of soccer*:

Aw. So cute.


Alaskanmama, Lynn W., Louisa A., Mary Ann S.& Susan H., if soccer's not your thing, then here's a bakery with all KINDS of Ninja designs to choose from:

See? Something for everyone!

*Note from john: It should be noted that Jen firmly believes that anything vaguely rectangular and green with lines on it must, by default, involve soccer. I think it's because she's Irish and enjoys body paint and rioting.

Follow-Up Note from Jen: Do not! Sometimes I think they involve hockey.
john (the hubby of Jen) said...

FIRST! WOOHOO!

Yes, it's a tennis court.

Wreck On!

john

Taylor said...

Ninjas are awesome. If you don't believe me, check out the West Virginia Ninja on youtube.

"Don't go ninjin' people who don't need ninjin'."

Anonymous said...

That second cake ( & I use the term loosely) is the most horrible thing I have seen in a long time. Not to mention the white sperm-like blob on the left & the poo-pile on the right. Egad!


wv: cheran - cheran screaming from the room after seeing all these wrecks!

Jessica said...

I am by no means a huge Star Trek fan, but I feel sorry for the person who got the first cake.

Anonymous said...

Am I missing something? Do ninjas = phantoms? are the invisible? or just THAT fast?

Anonymous said...

maybe green lines + icing = football.

wv: nonfuri. No need to get upset about it!

The Black Dog said...

Yay, Ninja cakes! At least they're not using black frosting!

Nectarine said...

WHAT. THE. EFF. is that thing we're to "sink our teeth into" supposed to be? Someone help me out here.

Anonymous said...

What exactly is *that* which I'm supposed to sink my teeth into?

jo said...

Um, Jen? Are you sure that second cake doesn't fit the headline for when Lorena Bobbit, you know, "attacked" her husband and threw his thing out the car window?

"Woman 'dismembers' husband and throws 'evidence' out car window"

'cause, there's a shriveled little thing on the left in the grass (nice tufts!) and some dog poop on the right. Maybe the white explains some balled up handkerchief she had it in and the wreckerator was kind enough not to include blood.

Either that or this is a REALLY bad model of the earth (with a tiny ocean, a mislocated iceberg, and lots and lots of land.)

Amanda Mac said...

What IS that third one supposed to be? Ew!

I have to say, at least the shape on the first is recognizable. Even if it formed in poo.

Anonymous said...

what is that third cake supposed to be? and is it a cake or a giant, oblong truffle?

it looks like someone had a little too much fun with an old football....

*removes mind from gutter and scrubs on a washboard*

Alex Getts said...

News Bites should be a regular feature. Seriously,

UnclGhost said...

Actually, that cheese looks kind of like a fractal to me.

Anonymous said...

why are there angled white lines on the field, no matter what the sport????

Stella said...

I'm drawing a blank.

first band camp nightmare since highschool said...

definitely a tennis court. i feel like the game. set. match makes that clear. although nothing else does lol

VK said...

saddest star trek cake, yes; but I am a huge tennis fan, and please, that is the saddest, most pathetic sketch of a tennis court. A green background, a few straight lines, a little bit of homework, is that too much to ask?

Anonymous said...

"maybe green lines + icing = football."

oops. I meant green rectangle + white lines = icing. sorry. getting interrupted over here!

Morning Glory said...

Tessellated cheese! It's about time they got the geometry of the cheese correct.

Heather said...

Actually, Ninjas are jerks.

http://ninjerktsu.blogspot.com/

Danielle said...

I think there's something wrong with me that when I hear "tessellate" I think of A Wrinkle in Time and "tesseract" and I get giddy for some extra-dimensional hopping around.

Gary said...

Actually, I think the motto "Game, Set. Match" implies that it's an Epcot.

... Wait, are you saying that second one has somethng to do with golf? Isn't it an illustration of symptoms your dog is sick, made for someone's vet-school graduation?

Suzie said...

Definitely soccer field. They have the corner marks and everything. Just missing the goals.

Anonymous said...

"Tiger hits three fans with his balls" can be taken a couple of ways...

trying to figure out how that applies to that cake though. where did he hit that guy??? *scrutinizes the flesh colored blob on the left*

Anonymous said...

@Danielle: "I think there's something wrong with me that when I hear "tessellate" I think of A Wrinkle in Time and "tesseract" and I get giddy for some extra-dimensional hopping around."

Me too! that was my favorite childhood book!

meanwhile that "fractal" looks like a certain type of splatter on that last cake...

wv: cadshipe: A sailing vessel full of promiscuous men. A cruise for singles.

Anonymous said...

shouldn't the tennis cake have a net? that would help...

justfrosting said...

I FINALLLLLYYYYY got my name on cake wrecks. WHOOO HOOOO!!!! Thanx to my teen daughter for showing my a cake and swearing it was a wreck!!

Anonymous said...

Oh look, one of the alien life forms that Captain Picard & his Enterprise seeks out has boldly gone and done a triangular poo!

Jen said...

WTF is the third one supposed to be???

Tracy O said...

I think John cheated! (First, indeed.)

WV: unsurpri - I have ADD and I am not at all surpri... ooh, another cake wreck!

TracyO

Molly Beth said...

The third one is a chocolate cheesesteak from Chocolate by Mueller at the Reading Terminal Market in Philadelphia. They started making them after the well-known cheesesteak guy was unceremoniously kicked out of the market last year and all the vendors started making their own variations of cheesesteaks in solidarity.

Their chocolate isn't bad, but the bakery (Termini Brothers) in the stall across from them is FABULOUS - their cakes are most definitely NOT wrecks!!

Anonymous said...

NINJAS! Weeee!

Hee! I love that Jen does not deny the body paint and rioting, but only points out that it could be involved with both soccer AND hockey!

I think the cheese thing is supposed to be some sort of bread/sandwich? I am guessing based on the cheese and Subway references....please, please, please let it be a sandwich! Either that or a football with the "stuffing" leaking out. Oh, wait, footballs don't have stuffing...

Andrea

Mallie said...

"Tiger Woods hits three fans with his balls" - wasn't that a headline from December? And wasn't it more than three?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Anonymous said...

ummm...I'm not liking what "I" see in the 3rd cake...
think gynecological exam...and maybe you will see it too.

disturbing...

gfxchick said...

A photo of "Underside of a gumboot chiton" showed up on the TYWKIWDBI blog today. What a coincidence! It looks just like the "Subway" cake. I'll go so far as to say it's not a cake shaped like a Subway sandwich but a cake shaped like "Underside of a gumboot chiton"!
http://tywkiwdbi.blogspot.com/2010/06/underside-of-gumboot-chiton.html

MissNay said...

But what if for some reason you HAD to sink your teeth into that thing? Like, I dunno, if your life literally depended on it and you knew it was sink your teeth into the infected eye cake, or be no more. What does one do in a situation like that?

It is fun to see the verification words tie in to our comments. THis one is fleye. Aaaaanyway thank you for keeping a bit of fun in our days!

MissNay said...

@Nectarine I think it's an homage to an eye infection. Orr a bery large bird poopie

Kristen said...

Woooooooow. I almost cried when i saw that star trek cake. i feel bad for the person who recieved it.

Sami said...

*giggle* "Tiger Woods Hits Three Fans With His Balls" Even without the cake my mind immediately went somewhere dirty.
Speaking of ninjas, have you heard of the ninja restaurant? I don't know the name of it because the first place I heard about it was a hilarious YouTube video, but I believe it's in New York and is full of win.

Dawn said...

I'd love to help choose the new book cover, but linky no worky :(

~Nikki~ said...

Tacky lol....

Mrs said...

You missed kind of a big news story
http://www.wired.com/autopia/2010/06/space-x-goes-into-earth-orbit/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+wired/index+(Wired:+Index+3+(Top+Stories+2))

and a great excuse to feature horrible space and rocket cakes.

~Melissa
SpaceX, Hawthorne, CA

msyendor said...

First time viewing comments:
WV = spootrix

ok. Giggle. Back to work.

2nd view of a couple hours later:
WV = ruierp

Agreed.

Anonymous said...

where is my gymnastics cake?

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Anon @ 2:48,

Um... what?

john

Erin said...

A proper Star Trek communicator cake. Done by my mom, an amature (albeit an experienced one!) for my sister's birthday last year:
Star Trek Communicator for Caitlin's B-day (on facebook)

Isolder74 said...

In Celebration of the Knighthood I Give you my Combadge cake.

Before any of you say it i know the colors are backwards!

http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a212/Isolder74/?action=view&current=P7011838.jpg

sendingtheclowns said...

What a day this has been so far.

The Star Trek cake has it where ALMOST everyone gets a candle on his or her piece! (woohoo.)

Golf cake has red stickers on it, showing a price CUT! Another bonus!

And to THINK....(!!!)... that I might have lived the whole rest of my life not knowing what "tessellate"
means, or how to parse it.

The only thing that makes this day just a little sad for me is this: I don't understand why anyone would want to set a match to that lovely green windowpane cake (and consider it a "game"!) That is just terrible. Some people just can't be nice.

=^u.u^=

Anonymous said...

It's poo Jim, but not as we know it......

Jen from Philly said...

The "sink your teeth into this" is actually not a cake. It is molded milk chocolate with white chocolate stuff on the top. It`s supposed to be a Philadelphia Cheesesteak. I actually saw this at a candy shop in Philadelphia's Reading Terminal Market yesterday. And yeah, it looks just as gross in person.

Etiquette Bitch said...

huh? on the "ninja" cake? huh? whaddid I miss?

KatjaMouse said...

Jen... you missed out on a great word play, unless you're really just strictly a Star Wars fan: Make it Sir.

Anonymous said...

Regarding the last photo (the plain cakes) that was taken at a certain retail behemoth, where you are expected to keep the refrigerated case full of cakes all day (20+ quarter sheets on a slow day), while making the special orders (about 20/day), stocking the salesfloor, dealing with customers, taking your own trash out, and cleaning all your own stuff up by the time you leave 8 hours later. There are lots of good cake decorators at these big chain stores that have no choice but to cut corners, for the sake of their job. Managers don't care what the cakes look like, as long as they are out on the shelf.

sendingtheclowns said...

The last picture is oddly sad...
I mean, just look at all the sweet, innocent, virgin cakes, with their little ruffled edges and blank expressions...
So pure.
So full of potential.
You can almost hear them...("Pick ME!! Pick Meeee!!").....
Will one of those. very. cakes. make it to the Big Time???
~~~~~~~
You
KNOW
what I mean.

=^~.-^=

sally said...

soccer... tennis... gaelic football... Who cares about the surface when there are ninjas?

NINJAS FTW!

The Dream Police Person said...

Mkay, so for all of you who had to look up 'tessellated' (Just like me...), this is the meaning:

tessellate |ˈtesəˌlāt| (also tesselate)
verb [ trans. ]
decorate (a floor) with mosaics.
• Mathematics cover (a plane surface) by repeated use of a single shape, without gaps or overlapping.

Lovely "cheese"! I actually think I tessellated a play-doh cheese with flat beads when I was 7.

Anonymous said...

Not just ninjas, they were AUSSIE ninjas. Whoa...I am ridiculously proud.

wv candris.. "Candris get any better?"

.

Dina said...

I think it needs to be said that I used to live in the neighborhood where the ninja thing happened! In fact, I'm pretty sure I know which dojo it was, even though it didn't say in the news reports.

Really, that dude was hella lucky. It's a pretty rough neighborhood at night!

Anonymous said...

It took until 4:58, but finally someone posted exactly what I read the comments for: a very serious explanation of the blank cakes! Sigh... so many funny comments, and so many hand-meet-forehead-inducing ones. It must be noted, however, that there were fewer explanations about the blanks than I expected... maybe the lessons of Epcot are sinking in.

And I agree with the earlier poster who mentioned the news theme should be a recurring feature-- I'd love to see that every month or two.

--kate

Anonymous said...

My favorite headline from the Patrick Stewart story: Queen says, "Make it so"

Melia said...

is that first one a sad Star Trek or a really Really REALLY sad Eiffel Tower?

Scrapnmafia said...

We need more Ninjas in the world, there's nothing like a good Ninja to make your day, don't ya know? LOL

Keep on Wreckin!!
Danielle

Dan said...

I dunno if anyone's mentioned this yet, but I don't feel like slogging through sixty-odd comments to find out: I'm pretty sure those are just blank cakes so you can see what kind you want before they apply decoration. Let's at least give 'em a chance to wreck 'em before piling on the snark, okay? *mumbling* Sheeeee, some people...

Arlene said...

Yikes to the Trek cake. It should be flushed far far away. Poo cakes are blah. Lol and what exactly is that large poo cake with white stuff inside it supposed to be? It appears to be a giant poo sandwich in which case no more Subway for me.. lol.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, John, that's no tennis court... It must be Epcot!

I do love that not only did they completely wreck the court (and really, is a tennis court really a complicated shape?), but they also had crazy punctuation.

"Game, Set. Match"

Nice.

Adriana said...

Okay, for once, I don't get it. What's up with the ninja?? WHERE is the ninja?? Or is there some ninja reference that I didn't get??

Help!!

Ehem, thanks :)

Stephanie said...

John and Jen, your "notes" at the end made me chuckle even harder than the actual post. :D

Justin Dupre said...

Yummy!! looks delicious.. haha stick your teeth into this is funny. I get hungry just staring at it mmhm

Terina said...

longer version of the ninja story, fills in the bits the US version left out or got wrong ;)

http://www.news.com.au/national/ninjas-rescue-student-from-thugs/story-e6frfkvr-1225868928257

I especially like the bit at the end regarding the invisability of the student that alerted the school..a classic ninja move!

ninja cakes though... i bet they taste amazing!

Anonymous said...

What's sad - I thought that top one was a super poor attempt at the Eifel Tower. My next thought was "that's not a Star Trek communicator"

love, love the site. Thanks, Jen and John.

Anonymous said...

Adriana

sshhhh , I don't think you are supposed to see the ninjas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_QLUJHaB6U&NR=1

wv rugge I got nothing, sorry.

Sharon said...

Here's a random piece of trivial information for your next pub trivia night:

Did you know only four countries in the world refer to the game with the round ball as "soccer"? Everyone else calls it football.

But did you know the word "soccer" actually comes from the word football? Well, technically, it comes from the compound noun "association football".

Apparently, Americans earnestly believed that a game which involved picking up the ball with one's hands and carrying it for the majority of the playing time deserved to be called "football". Therefore, they had to call that game that involved only touching the ball with one's feet something else.

Hence, "association football", subsequently shortened to "soccer" by lazy people, and adopted by...

Ah, but can you guess which countries adopted it?

You already know one of them (USA) but what about the other three? I'll give you a clue: They also use the word "football" to refer to games that involve carrying an oddly shaped ball around the field (just not the same games).

kelley said...

anyone else see the 3rd cake as a yeast infection? i'm not so sure i want to sink my teeth anywhere near that thing.

wv: hoarder. that "cake" is hoarding the yeast for sure...

Anonymous said...

the tiger woods cake looks like a police photo of the field where Lorena Bobbit dumped the weiner...the poo is from the guy who found it hahaa..aaaaw and the blue is all the tears he and all the cops shed for it :(

Anonymous said...

This cake was ordered to celebrate a great TENNIS season for my son's team at school. I picked up the cake on my way to the party. It was funny that I had to explain to the tennis coach and tennis players that it was a tennis court. Oh, and it cost $50.00!