Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Here are the "official" results:
After five sips:
Subject response: "Talk about your seedy humor: I've heard of calling someone a melon-head before, but this is ridiculous!" [attempts to high-five official note-taker] "Booyah!"
After approx. 1/2 glass:
Subject response: [apparently attempting to impersonate Bill Cosby] "FI-BRRR!! FI-BRRR!! AHAHAHAHA-HAAA!"
After one glass:
Subject response: [singing] "PANT-ies, PANT-ies, tralala-LAAA. Wesh shoulda had PANTIES at our engager-mental party." [giggling] "Yeah." [Silence. Then...] "Why don't shou luff me? Thish ish MY job! Zshoo don't care about me!"
After two glasses:
Subject response: *HURK* *HUURK* *BLAAGAHGAHGAHGAH!!!!*
After 2 glasses and 10 minutes:
Subject response: *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
(Official Note-Taker's Note: At this point the test was concluded.)
So, our conclusion? We desperately need some better wine. And possibly - although this needs further testing to be absolutely sure - some kind of a social life.
You're welcome, scientific community.
Rebecca M., Michael Z., Anony M., & Heather G., I would guess that last thing isn't actually a cake - but it is most certainly a Wreck. Also, are any of you free this weekend?
- Related Wreckage: Wacked Out Wrecks
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151 comments | Post a Comment
I think the PANT-ies one was my favorite.
"Well that's the brain damage!"
What IS that last thing? Are there peppers in it?
turds on a cake, turds on a cake, lookin' like a fool with yo' turds on a cake!
Um, pass the wine. Maybe it will help me forget these wrecks! LOL!
I am pretty sure that last cake seems to have jalepenos on it..... uck.
Wreck #4, no wine (yet), and my response was exactly the same....
I seriously don't want to know anything more about that one.
I shudder to think what all those...um...vegetables? and...uh... sausages? are embedded in in that last cake.
And the "tragic fire at the circus" cake made me giggle. I like to hope that perhaps the clown did not escape.
What a wonderful way to start my day! Thank you for being the guinea pig in this "test."
umm, are there jalapenos and dried tomatoes on that turd tower cake??
that last cake is the stuff of nightmares. What the heck is it supposed to be?!
I never thought I'd be saying anything like this, but that panties CCC is actually the best of the lot. (Shudder.)
I think you should switch to high quality vodka. If I tried getting toasted on Arbor Mist, I'd be horking too. ;)
What's the last one? Three Mile Island? Chernobyl?
What the heck IS that last "cake" (and I use that term loosely)?? It looks like someone scraped the bottom of their garbage can and put it on a plate. With little sausages (or are those fingers??) on top. Absolutely disgusting!
Heck, that last... thing... would have made anyone *HURK* *HUURK* *BLAAGAHGAHGAHGAH!!!!*, no matter what you were (or weren't) drinking.
Dang.
the poo-pillar mess of whatever has left me speechless.
/looks at last cake
O.O
/forgets all about all the previous cakes
Who ordered the chocolate dipped hotdogs, burnt candy cake with the words spelled out in sundried tomatoes?
'Fess up now and we will be merciful!
Not really, but it saves us the trouble of forming a torch waving mob and hunting you down.
I'm trying to figure out not only what that last thing was, but what, exactly, your reaction to it really was.
Sarah M. Anderson
word: trampes, as in "Only trampes eat thong cakes."
@Hannah--I was thinking jalapenos also. Or perhaps okra.
That last one doesn't even qualify as a cake. No way, no how. Offend-the-NEA/NEH art maybe.
Sausages, bananas, prunes, peppers, etc on cake? WTH? I don't even want to know. No, wait a minute, I DO want to know - can you tell us the story behind this one? Is it a cake revenge story? Trying to make the neighbour's dog throw up story? What?
When I saw the panties one, the first thing I thought was: "Is that a uterus?" Which makes maybe about as much sense as a panties CCC for an engagement party, I guess.
I actually thought that first one was kind of cute, but then I haven't had any alcohol yet. If I had, I would have spat it all over the monitor when I saw the "panties" cake. So funny! Would have given it up forever for that last horror, assuming that it was a figment of my booze-addled imagination! What on earth did the customer request?
Panties, you say. In that case, someone is in dire need of a Brazilian wax job.
Hahahaha This test is oozing AWESOME!
The panties are great. But, just what IS that last cake?! I'd try to make a joke about it being a commentary on neo-post-industrialization, but I can't identify ANYthing on that cake! Is it edible?
Hopefully, that last one is a meatloaf, I'm really hoping. It still is nausea-inducing, no matter what!
http://agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com
That last one makes me want to hurl. Fun experiment!
I also REALLY want to know what is going on with that last cake. It looks like there were malted milkballs on the side that have fallen apart (or been eaten open?), but I can't tell for sure.
Inquiring minds want to know!
That was completely hilarious! And even stone cold sober, I have to add that I completely agree with your comment on the third cake. Whhhaaaaa???????
It's a penis forest cake with Jalapeno peppers, prunes and sea weed on the sides, submerged in what appears to be oozing poop. Just sayin'.
Ok, I think the panties cake is actually a cupcake cake and trying to mimic a heart...although without the usual pink/red heart motif. Otherwise, if those are panties, that is gonna be some bachelor/bachelorette party! You may want to try partying with them. As for the last monstrosity, I am at a loss for words...*shakes head*
Love the Bill Cosby reference! I used to be able to quote whole parts of that routine.
That last "cake" looks like it has chocolate covered hot dogs on it!?!?!? Eeeuwwwww!
I thought the world of cake wreck blogging was all high glamour and drama. I saw you guys during the book tour, I can't believe you don't have an ultra-cool circle of friends.
I seriously think that last one must have caught on fire. It really looks like it was put on the table and the candles ignited it. I'm not even going to comment on those "pillars" in the middle.
This is why I don't drink. Thanks for drinking for me. Let's hope it's worth the hangover.
The first cake looks like Cling and Clang from H.R. Pufnstuf. The last "cake" - I've got nothing. It's just so wrong in so very many ways. I do think it's funny that, in my head, your hurking sounded just like a cat-hurk.
I am hoping that the engagement cake is actually supposed to be a heart, that went horribly wrong. Better to blame the wreckerators than the poor taste of the schmo that ordered that.
I believe that the "towers" on the last one are pickles. Look at the one that is glinting in the light and you can see the little bumpies on it. Not that knowing that improves the "cake" any...
What on earth was that last one? It looked like--at dead minimum--it had slices of jalapeno pepper around the sides. To say nothing of whatever the, um, vertical structural elements were. The thing that's scary is that, looking at it, you know the maker had a plan. You suspect the maker might have been an Alien.
Was the last one made by the "artist" who torched a pathetic excuse for a birthday cake on Food Network?
I'm just picturing what went into making that cake. Two cake decorators walk into a grocery store. One blindfolds the other, spins him around a bit and says "Ok, now the first thing you touch goes on our cake."
Blindfolded decorator wanders over to the fruits aisle where they're having a sale on dried prunes. He knocks into it, toppling the entire display over.
Then they alternate crushing some jalapenos, a sausage display, etc until they have everything they need for their "perfect" cake.
The last cake is obviously an homage to Freud - hot dogs, bananas, and all.
-word: pueyeou - what u say when looking at that cake.
I'm going to add the alcohol estimates to the fire cake. I mean really--white cake and peanut butter frosting?! Blech!
My God, the humanity!
1) is that someone eating watermelon so voraciously they've buried their face (and nose) in it? or is it a blonde robber wearing a bandana around his face like a mask?
2) why is the party on fire? Is this a fire safety week cake with a harsh warning to kids?
3) smile? panties? boomerang? wtf?
4) MAJOR WTF? erect chocolate hotdogs on a sea of dried fruit in chocolate? looks like a garbage dump. what IS that thing? (hide me!)
What in the hell is that last monstrosity?! Bean dip?
March of the turds
how big were those glasses of wine ;)
....and why are there cigars in that last cake?
I really shouldn't check this blog while I'm eating lunch...
Or maybe I should. I could lose some weight.
Whoever did that last one was on much more than Arbor Mist. *shudder*
Ahahahahaha Thanks for taking one (or several) for the team.
The panties one was my favorite -- but that last one?? That was enough to make a sober person hurl.
Pretzels??
Peppers?
Bananas?
*GAG* *heave*
The Mom said...
"It's a penis forest cake with Jalapeno peppers, prunes and sea weed on the sides, submerged in what appears to be oozing poop."
ah, thanks for the brilliant explanation, but how do you know - was it you that ordered it from the baker? (only kidding!)
This is my least favorite post. I like you sober better. You're funnier.
This is one of my favorite posts yet!!!!
Thank you both for ... eh...SACRIFICING your sanity and your alcohol all for the progress of the scientific community. Well done!
Maybe the last one was made for a chocoholic who needed aversion therapy.
When science projects turn hilarious! LOL
That last one looks like Loreena Bobbitt's birthday cake. It appears she didn't stop with her husband who coincidentally was named John if I recall correctly. Hmmmm.
Arbor Mist -- Breakfast of Champions! I can get so wrecked on it, we must've been separated at birth!
Hilarious!!! This will keep me laughing for a while:)
I'm with ACM... I saw "blue uterus"
LOL with the last cake! Literally Laughed out loud. My 6 year old was like, What's so funny? Love you guys!
Arbor Mist? Well. Aren't you hoity toity? For a science experiment of this nature, I'd think Boone's Farm or Mad Dog 20/20 would be more in order. But then you have to go all high falutin and hit the Arbor Mist? I am so disappointed.
Is that last one "turd-henge" WTH!
Seriously? I need to know more about that last one. The vomit-turd cake has me perplexed.
These Wrecks were so Wrecky, I thought I was the one drinking!
Mmm. Arbor Mist. The wine that doubles as a breakfast beverage.
WV: extro - The balloons on the flame cake added that extro-special touch.
I find that when I write while intoxicated by Patron that the quality of my writing goes up, while the quality of my grammar and punctuation ability goes down. So later, when I'm sober, I have to go back over it to fix all the redundancies and punctuation errors. But the alcohol makes me less afraid to say what I really want to say, especially when writing fiction. Maybe this is why so many writers become alcoholics! At least I'm not going "Hmm...I need to write something, how about a shot of tequila" it's more the opposite..."Hmm...I've had a shot of tequila and am feeling feisty...how about I write?" :D Better than getting into some kind of trouble!
I laughed so hard out loud at this entry, my neighbor (who I work with and will see all day tomorrow) banged on the wall. This site is dangerous to look at at 2:20 in the morning.
Definitely one of the most hilarious posts ever. I believe your conclusion is flawed, however. You two are doing just fine with Arbor Mist. Now it's John's turn to be the "subject"....
I also saw blue uterus!!
I think the last one must be for one of those blasphemers who do not like cake - I imagine it is some sort of meatloaf type dish.
I have seen some very pretty cakeless cakes that were of the meatloaf variety. The were "frosted" with mashed potatoes and had lettering done in ketchup.
They did not have poo towers.
When I clicked on the picture of #4, the name included "state+fair". I have a feeling that one really isn't a "Wreck" by definition if it was included as a state fair entrant for something (and I don't WANT to know what!)
One of your most hilarious posts ever. I must disagree with your conclusion. Arbor Mist seems to make the subject more funny...I think you need more testing though. Perhaps it's John's turn to be the subject.
I don't know...I had almost the same response to that last one sitting at my desk, sober!
The last one is an ode to all things that make you poo. Prunes, peppers, sundried tomatoes. You know.
Are those dolmas on the last one?
And I thought that one of the guys I know had a low alcohol tolerance... that's an astonishingly low tolerance.
I'm not even old enough to drink, and I want to so I can forget ever seeing that last "cake" there. **shudders**
Love the panties one! Disturbed by the last one. A turd fence?
@techydad--great theory!
love the Bill Cosby reference. At first, I thought you were being a really sloppy (speechwise) drunk, until I realized it was from the dentist segment where he had novacaine. funny!
wv: cansis--where Toto used to live. either that, or twin girly beers.
Okay, so... could the person who submitted the last cake please stand up and tell us what the heck it actually is, or what it's made of? All I see when I look at it is some kind of alien larvae. Ewwww.
That last one...gahh. Prunes, jalapenos, and ho-ho's? Really? Uhhh...wow.
I didn't know "white" was a flavour. Well, I guess that's my "learn something new" thing today.
poo pillars? okra & tomatoes &... are those bananas on the back? there's not enough arbour mist in the world to get me to taste that!!! hurk hurk is right!
wv: enceis.... little sally enceised slowly away from the scary poo pillar cake
In all this wedding planning, I knew I forgot something - the engager-mental party!
*headsmack*
I need to get right on this!
As a "fruity" wine drinker myself I wanted to pass a delicious wine flavor on to you...its called "Bare Foot" flavor is White Zin. Its not dry or bitter - very smooth - and can't beat the $6 or $8 price (and it has the cutest little pink baby foot on it!) Also - I am new to your site (thanks to Sleep Talkin' Man as they have your site as one of their favorites) and I absoutly LOVE your site!! I read your "fireman" story and forwarded it to my husband - we were crying with laughter!! Thanks for the much needed joy!!
See, I didn't see panties.. I totally saw a uterus. And what the hell is that last thing?
"It's a penis forest cake with Jalapeno peppers, prunes and sea weed on the sides, submerged in what appears to be oozing poop."
I concur with this description, also, I would like to soak it in gasoline and set it on fire.
Thankyouverymuch.
These cakes are horrible, but the last one takes the..um..cake.
Also, I'd love to be friends with you guys and part of your social circle! Come over any time! :-)
mscurious1
I can't tell what the last one is, looks like chocolate covered bananas on top?
The last one is a meat cake. In other words, a low-carb alternative!
those poor balloons! they're positively cowering.
Cake #4 reminded me of one of my favorite dishes in James Lileks' The Gallery of Regrettable Food (one of the funniest books I have ever read); a picture of that entry can be found on the first page of the chapter "When It's Strictly Stag". Look up the book in Amazon and browse through the "Look inside the book" feature. Unfortunately Lileks' hilarious description of the dish isn't included on the site.
Blechh! Esp. the last CW. That just looks like sh**cake.
The only thing that would have made this better was audio or video of the commentary.
I'm imagining that Jen was singing about the PANTies cake.
That last "Cake" and I say cake because I am guessing that's what it is.....is a true nightmnare. What the heck is it suppossed to be? And seriously, jalapenos?
That last one looks like it has a wide assortment of fruits and vegetables in various stages of dessication, plus whatever those erect things in the middle may be (sausages? chocolate-covered bananas? really ugly cucumbers?).
So my best guess is that it's one of those special cakes that zoos make for star animals when they want to celebrate something like Milo the Tortoise's 400th Birthday. Probably incorrect, but I've got to come up with some theory that will let me hold on to my sanity.
thesacredandtheprofane said:
"Arbor Mist? Well. Aren't you hoity toity? For a science experiment of this nature, I'd think Boone's Farm or Mad Dog 20/20 would be more in order. But then you have to go all high falutin and hit the Arbor Mist? I am so disappointed."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BTW, that last cake is probably a birthday cake for a dog. Or a bear. Or some other carnivorous animal.
I'm desperately hoping.
I actually screeched in FEAR when I saw the last thing?!
Chocolate frosting.. and vegetables?! PICKLES?!
I threw up in my mouth a little.. *hurk*
wv: cheeseme - I'm happy the last thing didn't have cheese on it!!
There is something sprinkled around the last cake that may be oats, but at first glance they looked like *ahem* "acorns" [read Corn Nuts] to me. That, in turn, made me think of the infamous Kwanzaa Cake.
I believe the last cake is actually a perversion of a perversion [said Kwanzaa Cake].
Wow.... just wow.... *bemused face palm while snickering*
So my 5-year-old twins weren't much better in figuring out what these messes were:
1) spaghetti, whipped cream, chocolate tears, and red spaghetti (they couldn't see the watermelon this face is evidently hiding behind)
2) flames and balloons (okay, that was accurate, just no explanation why fire is streaking sideways across the cake at balloons)
3) underwear OR a strangely colored heart with swirls
4) WHAAAT? just a mess--no other explanation; why are there chocolate-dipped hotdogs on it?
WV: horake--the only implement suitable for disposing of that last mess (certainly not a fork, knife, or spoon!)
What the heck is that last thing?
Is the title of this post a Big Bang Theory reference?
If someone tried to make me eat a piece of the turd cake I'd claim I was suddenly sick with H1N1 or Anthrax or the Montezuma was after me for revenge......EWWWWW!!!!
Where did that last one come from? There's a competition at the Iowa State Fair (and, presumably, other fairs) every year for the last 10 or 15 for "ugly cakes." Originally, it was intended to be cake fails- ones that collapsed, or didn't decorate well, or whatever. But kids started entering with truly unappetizing cakes- diaper cakes, toilet cakes, draped in anything and everything totally disgusting. This looks like a perfect candidate for that category.
Love the title of this post, and of course The Big Bang Theory. Keep up that... er, mostly sharp humour!
You're welcome.
Bec
I just about died at the "FI-BRRRR!" That is very likely the most commonly quoted stand-up routine in our household! :)
LOVE IT!
PS - I don't have plans this Friday... ;)
#1 is Harpo Marx after he joined the Zapatistas. What a strange thing to commemorate with a cake (or "cake").
@ Boy George: Thanks for the book reference! That looks absolutely hilarious!!! As do the other books by the same author - I will have to go find them! :)
I think the first one is kind of cute, actually. Weird, but cute.
That's a Meat Cake (very popular here in the carnivorous Midwest). It most likely has layers of meat, veggies (hopefully roasted) and some kind of potato. A friend made one for her hubby's birthday and even frosted and piped edges out of mashed potatoes! It was AWESOME. It didn't look nearly as nasty as that thing!
Kaaren said...
What IS that last thing? Are there peppers in it?
HA! Too funny! This was going to be my exact comment. No word of a lie. Kaaren, you are awesome.
Cakewrecks team, I think you should have one of these per week - hilarious ;)
ps - you are always hilarious. but this was just plain awesome.
Hey, folks. Take another look at the last "cake". Lower right corner. It won a blue ribbon.
I've never tried Arbor Mist (not a big wine fan) but after that I'm thinking about it!
My husband explained the last cake to me. It is what was left of the Onceler's factory after he drove the Lorax away.
you make the best throw up sounds ever!
Are there prunes on that last cake??? Now THAT would be a 'movement' I wouldn't want any part of....
I just want to know what bakery did that last cake because I'm going to avoid that bakery like it's the plague. I mean seriously a cake with sausages, prunes, bananas and all that other fruit/veggie combos ... that's FRIGHTENING!
Oh. My. God.
That last cake looks like a fungal pile of poo, with phallic poo statues.
Blargh! Brain. Broken.
OMG, I had tears streaming down my face and I couldn't breathe, and I barely even looked at the pics! GREAT stuff today!
*snicker, snicker* sooooo, someone buried 8 guys- make that 8 excited guys- rather shallowly. (amd I did this w/o alcohol thankyouverymuch).
I had the exact same reaction to that last cake, and I'm as sober as a judge. Are... are those chocolate-covered hot dogs!?
*HURK*
WV: oriban - a public declaration that Wreck #4 is not coming anywhere near your mouth or any other bodily orifice.
That last one appears to have sausages, peppers, prunes, bananas, pretzels and truffles on it. A dog's breakfast cake!
final conclusion - you're a cheap date... though hurking on that last night just can't be helped!
ALL in the name of SCIENCE!
I commend you!
As for myself~~~well, I may not be "free," per se...but I HAVE been known as a cheap drunk. HARK! Did someone mention Boone's Farm...?!?!
We used to freeze it in the bottle...
Ahhh, those WERE the days...
=^=.=^=
Ok that poop village cake at the end would make me swear off cake for years! I also wouldn't go near the person that ordered it for whatever occasion. And the second cake looks like flames are chasing after either balloons or weird kite like objects.. I fear these wreckerators really I do lol.
The last one looks like chocolate covered pickles!
Well, MY "best-puker-award" cat sounds something like this:
"aroohhrCK--aHUrCK-ahHAWRgkhawghyCKx"
(SPLAT!)
@The Gravekeeper - Really? You've never had a white cake? Or a yellow cake? My favorite cake is probably yellow cake with chocolate buttercream frosting.
My interpretation of that second cake is as follows: "Anyone who puts peanut butter frosting on white cake is headed straight to Hell. HELL, I TELL YOU!!!! H-E-L-L!!!!!!! MWA,HAhAhAHAHAhAhAHAhahAhahAHAhaAHAHahAhAha... etc."
@ jo:
You *win* for coming the closest in your guess....
For the rest of ya, looky here, and behold the real-life model for the mystery cake:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d1/Garbage_Scow_on_the_Hudson_River.jpg
=^>.<^=
That last one is actually in a display case, how odd. Maybe a birthday tribute to Oscar the Grouch? Definitely looks like a pile of trash...
Hee hee!!!
No see you have lots of controls (subject not tanked) and need more experimentals! Love- a biology grad student.
Thanks for the HILARITY on my birthday! Yea!
The last cake is from the Iowa State Fair:
http://www.seriouseats.com/2009/08/top-10-food-finds-at-the-iowa-state-fair.html
Are those chocolate-dipped hot dogs? Is that supposed to resemble the smokestacks on the Titanic? After all, a wreck this bad should certainly sink.
Maybe the little jalapeno and lemon rounds are meant to serve as life preservers?
I am a bit dumbfounded at that last one...turds standing up in a box of diarrhea and puke???
This is, by far, the funniest thing ever. I laughed so hard, I woke up my two week old (that's hard to do, he likes his sleep) and nearly pee'd myself...
Well, THAT didn't work.
I was trying to share a lovely picture of a GARBAGE SCOW on the Hudson River, but it didn't work.
And I SWEAR it looked just like that "?" cake!
Google "garbage scow" and see for yourself!
>^u.u^<
Lara, I was about to have a conniption when I realized the last cake WON A BLUE RIBBON at the Iowa State Fair, but then I realized it won the "Ugliest Cake" contest.
Lucky for that baker that some of the baby and wedding cakes from Cake Wrecks weren't entered in the competition. Not to mention some of the "diseased and/or mutilated foot" cakes.
Holy mother of cod fishes!!!! What IS that last thing? It looks like some kind of post-apocalyptic weinie roast from hell - with fruit and sprinkles!
HUURK! I think I'll by-pass the coffee this morning, and go straight to the Pepto Bismal...
I'd have loved to see the one with the probably choc-covered bananas in higher resolution. I'm thinking maybe the mystery things around the borders are dried fruit, so it might actually taste better than most of the sheet cakes that happen at work.
this is my new favorite entry EVAR! :)
Wh...What is that last cake? Jalapenos and old banana slices? Prunes? And chocolate stick-em-ups? Pepperconis? E.W.W.
Love the site! As a 16 year old I am not one to know my wine but I think you could do much better! If you had a social life, What would my friends and I do in our overabundant spare time!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure the sausage/tomato/jalapeño cake was not intended to be eaten. It looks for all the world like an avant-garde art installation created as commentary on the gluttony of Western society...or something.
You don't want to know how much it costs.
And all the women were drunk. Women have less alcohol dehydrogenase,(substance that breaks down alcohol) So it's no wonder you get drunk so fast.
ps
we all know the last one is rated PG-13
I think I know what the last one is. Its a pizza cake!!
Holy crap on a cracker, that last cake is just...no, I can't even make a scatological remark that hasn't either been said already or makes me want to vomit into a yellow bowl under the sink.
My son and I played 'I Spy' with the last cake,but quickly stopped because it was too gross.
Prunes,wieners,and cough drops.Really?
So, the last cake...
"What the F*** is that!!!"
That is all.
I don't know, the one you think looks like panties makes me think of a uterus with serious fibroid tumors....hmmmm
If it's not actually a cake what the hell IS it?
Peppers and Olives and Chocolate covered bananas. These are a few of my favorite things...(all on my cake?)
That last 'cake'...
Let's see... from the right it's prunes, banana slices, garbanzo beans?, hot dogs, red pepper rings, ginger slices?, prunes... Hot peppers on the sides...oatmeal scattered at the front around the icing smear (bushes?) ...
A Southwestern theme from one of those old 1950s cookbooks?
As funny as I find the idea of chocolate-covered hot dogs, those things sticking out of the last "cake" are definitely pickles.
All I've been able to find is that it won first place at the Iowa State Fair in the "ugly cake" category.
If anyone finds more information, please post it! I'd love to know what else is in that thing.
That last cake is shocking. What were they thinking. lol xx