Thursday, March 18, 2010

It's Life, Jim, But Not As We Know It

Thursday, March 18, 2010

We can always count on our Wreckporters to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and boldly submit some of the rarest wreck species ever seen.

Like the skinnileg piglet nervosia, or "South American Worried Grasshopper Pig:"


Thankfully, this one is saying "Oink!" so we can differentiate between the Grasshopper Pig and the Machu Picchu Googly-Eyed Hot Dog.

The hippopotamus runoverus, or the "Peruvian Pink Pan-Flattened Hippo Dragon:"


The pepto hallucinatus, or "What You See in Your Dreams After You Eat Sausage Pepperoni Pizza Before Bed:"


This friendly guy, the runfor yourlife itsa tarantula withrabies, or the "Chilean Snuggly Bug:"


And finally, the quackae lasiks caterpillarus, or "Someone Should Probably Go Ahead and Call an Exterminator... and an Eye Doctor."


Ryan S., Jill B., Seth W., Stephanie B., and Anne R., you must be awesomus wreckporterus!

Related wreckage: Creepy Crawly Cakes
Jenniffer said...

Today's post is hilarious! You always brighten my day!!

The Boob Nazi said...

I love that they had to write "oink" next to the pig so that we'd know what it was.

JR*Sikorski said...

LOVE the Star Trek tie-in! I knew it was going to be good from the moment I saw the title!

Candace said...

Those are some of THE scariest things I've ever seen... I've followed your blog for a long time, but this is the first one I actually had to comment on! GOOD GRIEF! It's like a psychotic Dr. Seuss book or something! These I would probably be afraid to eat.

Love the Trek reference too. Nice one.

Becky said...

I think what's most amazing is that so many of these are proudly sitting in plastic cases in a display cabinet when they're captured in pixels.
Some decorator looked at them and thougt "Good enough to sell, if not to eat!"

Jessica said...

Is there actually any cake under all that icing?

bassgirl said...

Based on the paw prints next to the tarantula with rabies I would have to guess that it just ate a puppy for lunch!

Taylor@MyOlderBrothers said...

Am I the only one who thinks there are some amazing potential band names in today's post?

Anonymous said...

I thought the exclamation point was a 'y', so I read the "Oink!" as "Dinky" - which was even more confusing.

ksaldria said...

"He's dead, Jim."

Yeah, you could pretty much say that about every single one of these cakes. South American Worried Grasshopper Pig cracked me up XD

Kaitlin said...

Why are there dog prints beside the Chilean Snuggly Bug? Why is he foaming at the mouth??

WHERE'S MY DOG?!

Abby Normal said...

I imagine this is what it would look like if Woozles had thalidomide babies.

Krusho said...

I can hear Kirk now...
"Scotty! We...need...more...icing!"

WF-smong This post is smong my favorites!

Jenn said...

Chilean Snuggly Bug! Hahahahaha.

Punk said...

They... they all scare me.

NYCGirl said...

Perplexus maximus.

CookieD'oh said...

I was pretty sure that the "hippopotamus runoverus" was a sad little armadillo. But hippopotamus works!

Leah said...

Just wondering what happened to the cake board under the last cake...

heidrance said...

I will see the grasshopper-pig in my nightmares.
And I must now go listen to "Star Trekkin'" by The Firm.
"There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow. There's Klingons on the starboard bow; scrape 'em off, Jim!"

Me! said...

Are these cakes made by blind people?

Meaghan said...

If they were looking to inspire terror with the tarantula cake, then bang on. I think that's the first actually terrifying halloween cake I've seen (if that's what they were going for...which, as we know, might very well NOT be the case).

Sandi said...

Set phasers to "kill"

Lauren Borquez said...

Wow would you like some cake with your icing? ;P

Elizabeth said...

I want a bright yellow chick with a pink unibrow, especially if it comes on wonky cakeboards!

http://agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

Noortje Merks said...

I just could help but laugh out loud because of todays post! Hilarious!

ara marie said...

The Chilean Snuggly Bug is amazing. I almost want to decorate cakes to see what amazing things I can create.

Awesome as always, Jen & John.

arabelle
www.todhuntertastic.blogspot.com

Qatie said...

As a vet, I feel compelled to point out that neither tarantulas nor "Chilean snuggly bugs" can get rabies - it's strictly a mammalian disease. Perhaps it's not foam we see at the chelae, but the pathetic remains of an unlucky dwarf. If only there was a burglar around to save it!

That said, these cakes are pretty darn awful. Or at least, these mounds of frosting are pretty darn awful. I think someone needs to prove they actually contain cake.

lynellenyl said...

Judging from the pawprints surrounding the Chilean Snuggly Bug, I believe it was supposed to be a dog. However, if it was supposed to be a dog, it looks like it is foaming at the mouth. I'd take a Chilean Snuggly Bug over a rabid dog any day of the week.

Anonymous said...

heidrance - That song popped into my head the minute I read the title!

wv - awsms: These are somes awsms wrecks.

andygirl said...

On every one of today's wrecks, I had to wonder if they're all frosting. And to that I say: BLEH!

Anonymous said...

I realize that cake decorators must get their training and experience somewhere, but do they have to inflict it on the bakery-shopping public? Can't they practice with spackling compound and Styrofoam? Don't these stores have managers with any brains whatsoever? Why ... why ... why?!?!
Tricia

msyendor said...

@ 8:11 AM PST * 'Cuz this was not here when I read all the comments, but ...

DMMT, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a cake decorator!

Christina said...

Is the 'chilean snuggly bug' supposed to be a rabid dog? I saw the paw prints and the foam around the mouth, that was my first thought. Maybe it's a call of action by Vets to get your dogs' their rabies vaccines.

Mare said...

"Chilean Snuggly Bug" - the commentary is just hil-ar-ious as usual.

Thanks! (still snorting to self in laughter)

Mich said...

OH NO..... it's MANBEARPIG!!!

drgns4vr said...

I love these creatures--as long as they stay trapped in my computer.
I do have a question (What, just one?), what is the random green stuff on both cake number 2 and 5?
And another thing? Is seeing a pastel armadillo the same thing as seeing a pink elephant?
And where can we scrape off a ton of icing before eating without causing a toxic waste incident?

WV today may be prophetic imakerpe

Anonymous said...

I just have to say, "There's Klingons on the starboard side!"

-Julie

sendingtheclowns said...

I don't care what anyone says; I think that the third thing down (wearing a pink straitjacket and a Simpsonesque expression) is cute. CUTE, I say!!
Look at that face!! So innocent-looking...so hopeful...

Sadly, we all KNOW that it is not REALLY in a "cake container". We all KNOW what is coming next....
It's just that I thought that they had outlawed euthanasia by gas chamber...
=^<..>^=

jo said...

I love your knack for naming new species. Your next book could have a huge chapter devoted to "alternative life forms."

Meanwhile, what's with the yellow random highlighting? kinda tough to read *squints at monitor*

have to ask my kids the "what do you think THAT is" questions....

what do icing colors like these do to poop? there's something to be said for poop colored icing when contemplating ingesting Pepto Pink or Neon Yellow...

sweetcarnival said...

"Chilean Snuggly Bug"...I think I figured it out...it's supposed to be a lion...not sure why the green eyes- but I do find it interesting that it has sloth-like "paws". There's no way the paw prints were made by this creature.

As a side note - I'm sure the foaming rabies residue is actually supposed to be teeth but this bakery evidently does not carry enough icing tips.

Chantelle said...

I think the pepto hallucinatus is kinda adorable. I can't imagine ever NEEDING a cake shaped like a self-satisfied pig giving itself a hug while wearing two white pieces from the game Sorry on its head, but still...

bookbug said...

Captain Picard: To seek out new life forms!

*Sees Cakewrecks*

Captain Picard: . . . Not those life forms. Get us out of here, warp 10!

Tricia said...

Really funny today... really darn funny!!!

beautifamous said...

Thanks for pointing out it said Oink. I was reading it as Dink.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

awww, the Chilean SnugglyBug just wants to be friends.

*shudder*

(there's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow)

Melissa (& Billy) said...

@msyendor: "DMMT, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a cake decorator!"

WIN. XD

Anonymous said...

I LIVE FOR YOUR POSTS! THANK YOU FOR THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER!!!

♥ ! SUE

jengersnap said...

Chilean Snuggly Bug medical update, Dr. McCoy.

"It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead, Jim;
it's worse than that, he's dead, Jim, dead, Jim, dead."

I'm pretty sure this must be the inspiration for many of these...creatures.

Star Trekkin by The Firm/Dr. Demento Show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCARADb9asE

Amy said...

"Star Trekkin' across the universe/On the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk!/Star Trekkin' across the universe/Always going forward since we can't find reverse!"

Sandy said...

Are you sure it doesn't say "Dink"?!

Sue said...

OMG! I LIVE FOR YOUR POSTS AND LAUGH TILL I CRY. Thank you for the best Birthday present ever!

♥ Love you, love cake.♥

~Sue

Anonymous said...

I thought the top one said DINK LOL

Anonymous said...

Umm...I hate to tell you, but it looks like the brown poo creatures have mutated to pinks and yellows!

TornadoBaby said...

OMG You just totally went up several more notches on my "like" list (not that I didn't really like this before!) as soon as I saw the blog title! I LOVE that song!

*breaks into song "Star Trekkin', across the universe..."*

Patrice Brymner said...

Yikes! Many of these creatures seem to have pooped on their cake boards!

Laura said...

I could swear that the sticker on the Hippopotamus runoverus actually reads "PASTEL AMARILLO". Am I seeing things, or have they even "wrecked" the printed label?

flying gargoyle said...

Do all Chilean Snuggly Bugs have rabies?

Anonymous said...

so where's the tribble cake?


these are all quite cute, except the poo monstery thing

W.Peabody said...

Thanks, I needed a good laugh this morning.

Christina M. said...

McCoy: "Damnit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a wreckorator! I came aboard to practice medicine, not to have a pepto hallucinatus!"

Stella said...

gosh, I was hoping to see a tribble-like cake.

tessler said...

I'm SO glad I'm not the only one who flashed to Star Trekkin'! LOL!

Some days I just shake my head and wonder, "What were they thinking??!?" and then I sadly realize that they weren't. ::sigh::

Emily said...

The Latin speaker and the scientist in me are highly amused by the scientific names. The geek in me is amused by the trek reference. ^_^

Leslie said...

Actually, I believe it says "Pastel Amarillo". I have no explanation for that.

Stoich91 said...

Wow! How did you know that hallucinatous pepto bismal thing WAS IN MY DREAMS after thoes late-night pizza take-outs? Eh? You guys must be real awesome sneaks! :)

I just wanted to say that it isn't very fair that all the cakes in my local bakeries are boring and overpriced, and nothing (ok, well, you know, *very few thigs*) would land me a place, here. Worry-eth not, though: I will continue my noble search for the flattened hippo/dragon delight in my local bakeries' cake cases. I'm sure cakes likes these (and *worse*, the people who make them?!) are all around us, and we can all find the local wrecks in our cities if we reach out far enough to follow our DREAMS!? *sniff!* :) Great post, as always!

Anonymous said...

You have the BEST sense of humor! Thanks for the belly laughs and coffee snots you give us every day. These are hilarious.

Anonymous said...

@Qatie, I guess the poor hapless dwarf's beard was the only thing the snuggly bug couldn't manage to swallow!

@Laura, I think "pastel amarillo" is Spanish for yellow cake/pastry.

Maybe that caterpillar was something else before it went through the wormhole? Or maybe somebody's been playing with the transporter beam again?

wv: fangstr, as in That Chilean creature's fangstr up fear in all who behold it!

onemockingbirdhill said...

I knew my daughter was a true Cake Wrecks aficionado when she took one look at the Worried Grasshopper pig, laughed at the captions and said "Yeah, and what's up with those mittens?" Now if I can only stop singing "Star Trekkin'" (Star Trekkin' across the universe. Only going forwards 'cause we can't find reverse. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow..)

The Kopers said...

Haha. I thought the first one said, "Dink" instead of "Oink" at first. That would have been more appropriate.

erika.fultz said...

OMG!! I was reading these while trying to finish my sandwich and it was, almost, not pretty!! Keep 'em coming!

Em said...

I'm willing to give the last cake the title of "caterpillar" (probably because I just saw the new "Alice in Wonderland" movie last night), but it's not a well-made one and I can't even begin to tell what the rest of these are supposed to be. It's bad when you have to write a speech bubble to indicate what your "cake art" represents.

e g allis said...

"Chilean Snuggly Bug" made me LOL.

Anonymous said...

WARNING- this post may be more gross than these cakes!!

I'm currently wiping nasal mucous off my screen and keyboard since I'm sick in bed with a sinus infection. Apparently, laughing triggers coughs and sneezes- who knew?

I'd never heard of that song before and thank you jengersnap for posting the link...I now need dry sheets as, yes, I wet the bed laughing...

Jen, please don't charge me for the "medicine" of laughter since I'd go broke over this brilliant site!! As a former cake decorator I can only assume these people are on crack. That's my professional opinion but I won't bill you for it. :)

Barbara Anne

artemisrampant said...

Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a crazed zoologist!

BADKarma! said...

STAR-TREKKIN', ACROSS THE UNIVERSE!!!

The Chilean Snuggle-Bug is my favorite. I want one for my birthday. In case anyone was wondering what to get me.

Kay-Megan said...

Actually the hippo is apparently an armadillo; read the label on the box. Even more appalling....

Kelsie said...

The name "runfor yourlife itsa tarantula withrabies" was what got me LOL'ing. :D

Julia Spencer said...

It's hard to believe that any of these are professional cakes. And it's kind of sad. You'd expect this out of my kitchen... Not something you'd pay for. I've gotten better cakes at Walmart bakery. LOL!

Anonymous said...

Si. Pastel Amarillo translates to yellow cake according to Google.
Tricia

tottergirl said...

I don't know what the heck those are supposed to be, but I don't want to even touch any of them. Seriously creepy!

morriganscrow said...

I'm now imagining each of the wrecks as the mock ups for the "guy in a rubber suit" acting as the "Monster of the Week" a la the Horta/Gorn etc.
Killing off the required number of hapless Red Shirts, scaring either Uhura or Chapel into bosom-heaving coniptions, before either Spock mindmelds/Vulcan nerve pinches it, Bones cures it or Kirk has sex with it....
Or all of the above.

WV: outing: too, too easy.

Cat. said...

Aww. I think they're cute. The last in the sequence makes me think of a Pokemon. :)

Anonymous said...

Funny, funny. Thanks!

BillyD said...

It does NOT say "pastel armadillo." I don't know what the first word is, but the second is Amarillo, not armadillo. That's a place in Texas, for all you Yankees and other furriners.

Laurie said...

LOLO
Is the South American Worried Grasshopper wearing slippers or extremely large earrings? Do grasshoppers have ears?

Arlene said...

I think my glasses need fixing.. or do my eyes really see what I think they are? Horribly colored cakes that wreckerators are claiming to be animals of some sort. They really must be of the Star Trek universe lol. I would run screaming if anyone brought these home.

Hazel said...

Pore ole hippo, flattened beneath the blueberry tree!

morriganscrow said...

To Laurie:

Yep, grasshoppers do have ears...in their knees.

sendingtheclowns said...

@ BillyD:

AYUP! I'm one of them damn New England Yankee ferriners, but I still know how to read, and it says "PASTEL ARMARILLO."
And I know this is a stretch, but looky what I done found: (!)
amarilloartinstitute.org/... /adult-art-classes/pastels
So put that in yer piping bag and decorate it!
=^~.-^=

Andrea said...

LOL! These are some of the most awesome "species" of cakes ever! Star Trek quote...too perfect...

I have one request--could you please capitalize the genus in the Latin names? Like in Awesomus wreckporterus!
I tried to let it pass...the obsessive compulsive (anal retentive?) in me is making me say that scientific names when written are italicized (or underlined) and the genus is capitalized, but the species and subspecies are lowercase. Example:
"pepto hallucinatus" (my favorite) ideally would read "Pepto hallucinatus". Also "Skinnileg piglet nervosia". Thank you. I'll step down now.

sendingtheclowns said...

@sendingtheclowns:

Ya goll darn backwoods yokel hayseed hick! Thought you said you could read! That's supposed to be: "Pastel AMARILLO," not "ARMARILLO"!
And ya got yorsef a deeploma!?! Gawd.
=^e.e^=

arensb said...

Off-topic, I know, but I haven't seen any mention of Wreckin' By the Book (The Cake Wrecks Song) here yet.

Was it mentioned someplace where I missed it, or do wreckerators not follow The FuMP?

Eric said...

@arensb

You aren't the only one who enjoyed "Wreckin' by the Book." That song is the reason I'm here. By "here," of course, I mean "at this site," not "in existence."

Mark said...

Sorry Jim, no intelligent life out there. We now have proof.

Lauren said...

LOVE the title! I'm thinking these creatures are even more frightening than the titular pizza-like monster.

sol said...

I follow your blog for sometime now and I adore your coments. This particular ones made me laugh sooooooo hard, it's one of the best! I also adore the wedding cake wrecks, it's amazing to see how far people are from what is asked and from reality itself.

redheadfashionista said...

Once again, you have successfully made my world a better place. Today, it was courtesy of the 'runforyourlifeitsatarantulawithrabies'. :)

stacey.loves.toast said...

I wept last night reading this... tears of joy, of course. LOVE IT!

BloodyWits said...

Machu Picchu Googly-Eyed Hot Dog = beverage out my nose. Pepto Hallucinatus = I'm glad I'm not alone. Also, the commenter that said the cakes look like the thalidomide babies of Woozles, you're my new best friend.

Heidi M. said...

Bwahahahaha! Chilean Snuggly Bug! That's awesome. I'm a Chilean and I love that. :)

Sami said...

I just thought I should tell you how much I appreciate your pop culture references, especially your nerdy ones, like this post's Star Trek title. You're my hero! :D