Alright ladies, it's OUR turn.
That's right: it's time to turn the tables on all those chauvinistic guys who order the boob or butt cakes, rendering the female form as nothing more than an object - and an edible one at that! It's time to ogle the MALE form in cake for once, and show them how it feels! You heard me, gentlemen: prepare... to be objectified!! [rubbing hands together] Heheheh. This is gonna be awesome.
Ok, let's start the show!
First up, ladies, check out this sexy little...
Oh.["Urp"ing noise]
Sorry, sorry. Uh, yeah, Julie B.? This one's really not doing anything for me. In fact, the neck hump area is kind of grossing me out.
Not to worry, though; there's more where that came from. Next!
Huh.Um, Donna B., not that I don't appreciate the liberal use of painted-on under-arm hair (and other hair which I was kind enough to cover - you're welcome) and the whole "good luck on your wedding night" sentiment, but again, this is really having more of the opposite effect on me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it looks like the chest of a pasty-white prepubescent.
Ohhhkay. Now I just creeped myself out, looking at this. [averting eyes] Next! NEXT!!
Whoa! I think we just went to the other extreme; this guys looks to be about 70. And is it just me, or does he have a bunch of raisins on his chest? That, or his chest hair has gone all matted and clumpy. [gagging] Rapidly. Losing. Appetite.By the way, Amanda E., not that I'm complaining, but I don't think he has any nipples. Again, NOT complaining. Really. Put those raisins down, woman!
Oh, look: Tam & Annabel found Mr. Heard-it-through-the-grapevine's bottom half, and it begs the question...
Is acupuncture ever a good package deal? Just wondering.Ok, this is ridiculous. I don't feel like we've objectified any guys at all with these cakes! Sarah W., you're our last hope. Bring it, sistah.
Aaaugh!! My eyes! My seared, bleeding eyes!What this headless, neckless, armless, and legless torso lacks in limbs it certainly makes up for with day-glo orange streakiness. Not to mention that it exudes a kind of sinister intelligence: I swear it's looking at me.
In fact, here's a hypothetical for y'all: You get up in the middle of the night, and turn suddenly to find this cake hopping along behind you. Do you:
a) scream b) laugh c) grab a fork or d) all of the above?
[sigh] Well, ladies, I'm sorry: our quest to objectify men using cakes has failed. But on the bright side, we'll always have Tom Selleck - right?
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
O vile. O vile. O vile.
My partner will be very angry with Cake Wrecks now because my sexual motivation has entirely vanished!
Bring back the boobies; I like em better!
That last one looks like E.T.
It's the 8 (only 8??) candles on the yellow pants that are worrying me!
I'm not sure which is the best wreck, they're all, um, unappetising. Good for a giggle though, which is pretty much all the male form is good for generally ;) Oh wait.... I have 3 kids!
Oh god, these a kind of terrifying! But where are those quintessential bachelorette party cakes?!
And I thought I should warn you... you put "your welcome" instead of "you're welcome". I hate to sound picky, but you know how it goes for grammar on this site....
Ew. I have no other words.
Except for the last cake, I'd have to say the answer is definitely d.
good god, make it stop.
I think this says something about the difference between hot guys and hot girls. Hot girl = Boobs? Check. Butt? Check. Done.
Hot guy = so many things. Underdefined muscles? Eurgh. Overdefined muscles? Disgusting. Broad shoulders, great; broad neck gross. Men are a lot harder to get right.
That's my excuse, anyway.
*gag* Truly horrific. Tom's definitely the best of the bunch!
(btw, it's "you're welcome", and in that case, it's "effect", not "affect"...just FYI).
Was that bulge in the yellow shorts necessary? I just puked a little (this was between laughing fits, however)
Oh my god.
How could anyone ever eat one of those??
The nipples on that last cake are beyond disturbing. Do you think the decorator thought it looked good? Like, did they look at it and think "Yeah, those nipples don't look at all the rivets on 501 jeans!"
I wouldn't have even known what number three was if it hadn't been in this post of "manly" torsos and nether regions.
EW. Yuck.
Bring back the boobies.
I wouldn't/couldn't eat those if you paid me. Oh gross!
omg gross, these are like silent hill
The first one just looks like multiple breasts shoved together like biscuits being baked in a sheet pan.
I'm thinking that after getting his cake, Levon, might actually get back in the closet.
w/v mings - manly things, "who in God's name baked those mings?"
oh my goodness! Those are awesome! So funny, if not a little bit disgusting (and thanks for covering up the hairy parts - I don't think I could have handled it first thing in the morning).
Gives a whole new meaning to the expression "Eat my shorts". Um, isn't "Eamon" a boy's name? And I always thought "Levon" was a boyish name as well. Hmmm.
Hard to believe anyone thought ANY of these cakes was a good idea, either as a concept or in actuality. Body hair (even fake) on a cake.....eeeeeeeeeeeewww.
Um - #3 - is it channeling Ricardo Montalban as 'Khan' in Trek II?
http://csos.movieset.com/download/movieset/o/b/2009-01/ricardo_montalban.jpg
eew - these are all splendiforously bad.
Word verification=sancati.
I think they violated the sancati of the male form for me.
Are the nipples on the torso cake made out of pickles?????
Eeewww......
EW! Ew! EEEWWWWW!!!! These are so darn gross. I'm thinking they just need to stop trying so hard and just have a nice piece of (NORMAL-looking) cake if they want it and fuhgeddabout the whole Make-it-look-human aspect. Besides, all cake should be chocolate, anyway, right? :o)
Oh my word. I am speechless. Best Cakewrecks EVER. Or worst, iyswim.
I can't stop laughing.
I want a nipple piece! I want a nipple piece!
Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)
I thought men had heads....??
Wedding night nipples are pennies?????
People really paid money for these? Yuck. #3 looks more like a geographical map to me.
The thing is that the nipples always look wrong but if you leave them off it looks worse. The solution to that of course is to not make a cake of a torso. And if that last one came after me, I'd scream and grab a fork to stab its eyes (or nipples) out.
When the third one scrolled into view, "gravesite" flashed through my mind. *Doubly* unappealing now.
As for the wedding night cake...like a Ken doll, it appears NOT to be anatomically correct, since there's nothing under that zipper. Which--given the bumpy one below it--is fine by me, thanks.
Ok, that last one is a dahlek.
EXTERMINATE!
These are the most horrifying of all of the cakes I've seen here so far.
I am not sure if I have ever seen anything quite as inedible as these!!!
Wow..just..um...wow. I'm a little nauseous. The men lounging on questionable polar bear rugs was much better. This post was truly urp-tastic.
oh, i have such a stomach ache now. i'm not sure if it's from laughing so hard or from the complete grotesqueness of the cakes.
Laugh out loud FUNNY! My sides hurt.
thanks, sandy, that was also bugging me.
also, i really think the second one needs the little white box replaced, because i imagine it's pretty hilarious.
The last cake looks like it went for the ol' QT sunless tanner . . .
So disturbing. What on earth could be considered sexy about a torso without a head?
the one with the bulge in the boxer shorts...
isn't eamon a boy's name? and count the candles, he's 8!
My gosh those are awful. I have never liked the stupid woman cakes, although yes I was coerced into making one, but these are just scary. ewwwwwwwwww
why does that last one have olives for nipples?
eww, can't believe i just typed olives and nipples in the same sentence. twice.
Oh noes! Cadaver cakes! I really hope this doesn't turn into some kinda "cakes for teh ladies" trend at any bakery near me.
Ick!!!
Is it just me or does cake number three look like a rotting corpse?
I'm not gonna lie, the shorts cake made laugh.
Well, at least they're not feet!
awful. just awful. why are there only 8 candles on the yellow pants cake... not good, not good.
GAG. ME. OUT. I have to say I agree with you, my appetite just kind of flew out the window- those were so creepy!!! ALL OF THEM!
WOW! These are ALL a whole lotta nasty. Body hair, or any hair for that matter, on a cake is just plain gross. Being a fan of CSI type shows, torsos (whether they're cake or otherwise) are just not something I wanna eat! The "nipples" are just plain disturbing. And the last one should be the poster child for anti-self tanners! EWWWWW...
ugh, ugh, ugh. gross and hilarious at the same time.
regarding Eamon's cake, I can't help but wonder if the cake is supposed to be a, uh, *rendition* of Eamon?
Oh my gosh! I love this post the most.
I'm most disturbed by what appears to be a melenoma on the left hand side of the bunch of grapes/hairy chest/old man/so many men ... cake.
It's nice to know that those with skin diseases aren't discriminated against in the world of dismembered torso cakes.
I feel SO traumatized!
This reminds me of the Naughty Baker in Madison, Wisconsin - definitely not wrecky and definitely tongue-in-cheek...
2 words
eye bleach
I... erm... um... *urp*
I think the guy who was the moddel for the yellow shorts danced at my friends bachlorette (sp?) party and let me tell ya cutting off his face is a good thing. Cutting off his whole torso seems a bit much though.
B-day cakes for cannibals?
My question is... why is Eamon getting an acupuncture penis cake? (Of course, Eamon is the name of my cousin's 2 yr old son... so I'm picturing little mischievious Eamon diving into that cake... it's a bit disturbing)
#3 looks like (a scaled down version of) a BMX bike track near me. I really can't see anything else in that photo. It's a couple of dirt dunes and other terrain. Yup.
Amazing and wonderful. I laughed so hard I shot milk out my nose. And...the last time I drank milk was 6 last night.
Okay, I'm so very, very disturbed...and confused with the shorts cake. Is Eamon a BOY??
UM....well, the acupuncture "package" is of questionable origin. I think it's wearing a codpiece. LOL
And the armless, legless torso? Looks to be taken off a package of underwear.
~AmyB
Ugh, I'm feeling sick. The last cake looks like ET's cousin!
MY EYES MY PRECIOUS EYES!!!
I was reading and then I looked at the next picture and I said " Oh my God are those freakin raisin?!" How freakin gross...raisins on a cake?! as chest hair?! Oh and thank you very very much for covering those extra curly painted on hairs...I'm half way laughing and crying because I don't know what to say! It's just so WRONG!!!
Clearly cake #2 was made for a Twilight fan. I mean, the extreme paleness and complete lack of muscles??? Who else could it be but Edward Cullen?
I just want to thank you for providing a funny in my day! I teach junuior high and at lunch everyday I come here for smile!
I was laughing and gagging at the same time with these cakes. So wrong...
I have to wonder, who gets the bulge on the yellow cake?
you know... with the right kind of airbrushing (yes, i said it) you could almost make that first one into a passable Plo Kloon cake... google it ladies.
* sigh * I had such hope for this posting, but these are so much worse than even the Tom Selleck cakes!
It kinda makes me wonder how these would have turned out if they were made as cupcake cakes...
i honestly believe that those are the creepiest cakes i've ever seen on this site.
Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! You made my whole morning. I'll be laughing all day. (And using eye bleach.)
Ahahaha! I love the last one. And yes...yes it does appear to be staring at me. But I would totally grab a fork and chow down on it if it appeared in my house. Looks like a lot of icing. Gotta love that icing.
Thank Jen, now I'm going to have nightmares about a headless cake hobbling after me down dark corridors.
Nope. No words. I am rendered speechless. And that has *NEVER* happened before.
What is it called when the kitchen trashcan is filled with 30 plates of untouched pieces of one of these cakes? A crime scene?
Word verification is "excreime"--these are excreimely horrible? These made me excreime? Argh! I think I'm going to excreime!!
I think Eamon is really 9. If you look closely, (I know, I know), there is what looks like a candle divot on the "cupcake". Maybe it marks 9 years since Eamon came out of the closet?
OMG! the first cake is clearly Weight Watcher's Hungry, shaved.
Thank you for editing!!! No one really wanted to see the extra hair.
Pubic hair (real or decorative of any variety) is simply unacceptable on ANY cake! But it made me spit out my coffee laughing about it! BUWHAHAHA!!1
ooh, i'll take a piece with armpit hair! *grabs dental floss in preparation*
#3 is clearly a topography map of the beautiful foothills of North Carolina... really.
WF- rechi
"Excuse me while I rechi from looking at these cakes"
This just proves again that our bodies are hideous. Even in their "idealized" forms, we just don't look like something people want to ogle.
Oh. My. I've seen crime scene photographs that look distressingly like these cakes...Jeffery Dahmer is coming to mind right now. I know I want my cake to make me think of cannibalistic serial killers...yummy maimed torso.
the nipples--oh! the nipples!
ick, ick, ICK!
these cakes make you appreciate the REAL male figure, hey?
there. men have been objectified in my mind...in SPITE of these cakes.
oh, and the boxer briefs/acupuncture one? NAST!
i just threw up in my mouth. a little bit more with each cake. lunch is SO over
Cake #3 - remember those little black scarabs in The Mummy -- Aaaugh! 'Death is only the beginning...'
WV: Muslyzat -- Muslyzat is deeesgusting!
The 'Eamon' cake was for an Australian Olympic swimmer, guys, so yep, he's a boy! He was declared the "face" of some underwear brand, so at a store opening the company had this cake made.
Obviously, none of that makes it any less hilarious.
:)
Oh, and @Viewtiful Justin: you gave me a literal LOL with your comment - thanks.
I'm also laughing at all you WOMEN telling me to bring the boobies back. You just stay tuned, ladies...
That last one kinda reminds me of that old joke..
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head and no torso?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dick.
Why no arms anywhere?
The one pale body cake looks really dead
Gag!!!!!!!!!! :O
See, women's bodies in cake are just sooo much easier - slap some icing on a 1/2 round cake out of a soccer ball mold & wala! boobies and/or butt! LOL. Men's bodies, it seems, are made from those cupcake cake molds you get at Wal-Mart. :P
Oh, and thanks so much for the "cake torso sneaking up on you in the dark" imagery, Jen. No, really.
GACK!!!UCK, UCK, UCK (Kitty upchucking noises)
This is hands down the worst assemblage of Wrecks ever. I applaud your hardiness in being able to hold off upchucking long enough to actually post the damned things.
Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus in the manger! There are no words! Now, pardon me while I go pluck out my eyes with a pickle fork. Thanks for the memories, Cake Wrecks!
Oh... oh my word. I can honestly say none of the other cakes I've seen on this blog have grossed me out to the extent that these did. What the hell?
After looking at it twice, you know what I think the last one looks like? n angry giant squid in a red miniskirt. Can anyone else see this?
Ow! Ow! Ow! My poor eyes. I'll start reading your blog again when I get out of all the therapy I'm going to need after seeing these wrecks. Good thing men don't actually "look" like that... although if they did, it would probably solve some of the global over-population problems. Yikes!
More torso jokes:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
Phil.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs next to a hole?
Doug.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and no tongue hanging on a wall?
Tasteless Art.
HEEHEEHEE.
Regarding that yellow-shorts cake: How many people, upon seeing it, caught themselves saying, "I'd like a piece of THAT!"
Yeah. Didn't think so.
I mean really... How *does* one go about cutting that particular bulge?
Oh good gods. o.o I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I'll take the Tom Selleck cake over this crap any day.
so the bulge in the yellow pants reminds me of dodgeball when ben stiller's character pumps himself up for his wife's character to come in the room.. and then deflats it when she leaves...
Wow - hard to believe these were done by pros. Makes the one torso cake I was forced to decorate several years ago look attractive by comparison, and I'm just a home baker.
The torso cake I was asked for was Stone Cold Steve Austin -- http://www.slycreations.com/cakes/41ab.jpg
Stick not worth objectifying, but better than the flaming orange headless torso!
Oh dear heaven.
I seriously will not be able to scrape those images off my brain.
And are all those names on the, um, corpse cake supposed to be Levon's boyfriends? All the guys I've loved before?
Gad. Poor Levon. With friends like those ...
The last cake looks like it would hop after me claiming "It's merely a flesh wound!"
Even more torso jokes:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the leaves?
Russell
What do you call 2 men with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?
Curt and Rod
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in from of the door?
Matt
Oh good Lord, I don't think I could ever eat a cake with nipples. What would you do if you got a nip piece? Scrape it off? Eat it? It makes me a little queasy just thinking about it.
Steph in CA
what i find veryyy interesting is tha mr yellow boxers( next to last)
is for eamon, another guy!
Er...are those four sparklers on Eamon's cake? Maybe those stand for decades, and the candles for years--in which case Eamon is 48. Which is a lot better than 8.
(Or maybe the sparklers are there to set off fire alarms so that no one has to see the actual cake at the party...)
And I think that first one is a loaf pan cake...similar to a CCC, only...er...bigger.
DEEPLY DEEPLY DISTURBING!!! i was asked recently to make cupcakes of the male sexual organ kind. i had to say "no... but i can make some rated G pretty little cupcakes!"
at first I read left to right instead of pec to pec and was puzzled over "so so many little men time"
My daughter thought the first one looked like a spider!!!!
After seeing that, I don't mind so much being objectified by a cake anymore.
Ok, I see naked bodies every day at work. And NONE of them have ever looked as bad as these cakes.
I was in the middle of having breakfast when I was looking at this posting, and it literally lost my appetite. Well, that's a good way for diet control.
Are you sure the third cake is a torso? Because I'm pretty sure it's balls.
Just sayin'.
WHY would anyone want a cake of body parts?! I can kind of understand a goofy bachelorette cake MAYBE, but ultimately they're all just CREEPY!!!
it almost scares me how you never run out of material for this blog! haha But ultimately, it really just makes me happy.
Was that a twinkie in the yellow shorts
Hehe...my 2 year old insisted on seeing the cakes & exclaimed..."eyes! eyes!" when he saw the torsos.
Not sure if he meant: "Argh! My eyes!" or "Oh my - those cakes are so wrecktastic that the mishappen nipples look like eyes!" but either way I think he was right.
I guess the only thing worse would be to have a male torso made out of the dreaded cupcake cake design... can't get any lumpier then that!
Hahahahahahahahah, hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah, hahahahahahahahahahahah. Whew. Ha,Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Hum. What a hilarious delivery in whipping us through those cakes. Priceless. Thank you!
LOL! My 4-year-old just looked over my shoulder at the third one and said "is that an elephant, Mummy?" I said yes! :-D
Kei
OH. MY. WORD!!!!
I was laughing so hard that my son thought there was something wrong. I have to share this one!
You forgot to include (d)Bash it into a squashed mess with the nearest heavy object, and get out the Shop Vac.
Those are all. so. gross.
About the last wreck, my 3-yo son saw it and cracked up, saying "It's an alien apple!"
Scream & grab the fork, the better to defend myself. Somewhere there's a really evil baker who knows where I live; I will need all the cutlery I can get my hands on! And possibly a flame thrower. & A change of address.
i want to be invited to these male-torso-cake birthdays/bachelorette parties/whatever. just to see what happens when it's time for someone to eat a piece with a nipple on it...or hair...or crotch bulge.
would they pick the nipple off, or eat it? oh man, inquiring minds want to know
We've always known that porn is more of a dude turn-on than a gal thing.
Now we have conclusive proof that the same holds true for cakewrecks. I might even be able to stick to a diet if confronted by these disasterpieces.
Science takes another great leap forward!
hahaha! reminds me of the family guy episode where peter went to pick out a cake for stewie's birthday and said something about an Al Roker cake with Hershey Kiss nipples....hahaha
For my 50th, a friends mother made me a real MAN cake. Gorgeous guy, with a fig leaf covered in fruit and when the leaf and fruit were removed.... OH MY! Real anatomically correct man-bits.
Unfortunately, it was Tom Cruise when I had requested Tom Selleck... and the manly bits were dark chocolate.
I should have asked for Seal I think.
Or a frilly toilet paper doll cake.
What's under the cake shorts. You don't want to know. You complain about lack of realism, but be careful about what you wish for.
see Bachelorette cupcakes at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/debbiedoescakesnet/2900411468/
Do you really want to know what is under those shorts? Do you really want better realism in these cakes?
Be careful what you ask for.
See Bachelorette cupcakes at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/debbiedoescakesnet/2900411468/
It weirds me out that the arms are as wide as the chest on the first one.
Another great post! I laugh at your posts every day.
I've nominated you for an award on my blog.
That last torso with the crazy nipples... it reminds me of Terry Gilliam's bizarre animated characters on Monty Python. I'd almost say it's a tribute!
-Euan
Jen, I think you've shocked a couple of your readers with this incontrovertible evidence that some men like to look at naked male torsos.* Innocence lost, all due to Cake Wrecks.
BTW, my word verification is mitypit. Hail the mitypit! Let's portray it on a cake, with its mity mitypit hair!
And even better: I used an unacceptable HTML tag, so had to remove it and enter another WV, and it was angsts! That one is WAY too easy to use in a Cake Wrecks-related sentence!
*Or used to. These cakes qualify as aversion therapy.
Ok, these did abolutely NOTHING for me!! lol
Well, crap. That last one was freaky. Screw the fork, I'd tear it up with my bare hands!!!
Your writing style is HILARIOUS!! As if the cakes weren't funny enough!
Thought this site might cheer you up LOL..... look at the cakes down the left side, you'll see ONE, yes, just ONE of a decent man cake. :) http://www.partypop.com/Vendors/4131577.htm
Ha! I work for the company that the last cake was at. (We're an underwear company, Skiviez, and it was the boss's birthday.) He seemed to really like the cake.
I think the instructions were "underwear cake," so I was a bit surprised/appalled that the baker elected to make it, um, so vertical.
Trust me, an even more horrifying sight was coming in the Monday after the party and seeing that someone had left this half hacked-into torso sitting on the warehouse sorting table!
You know what's possibly the craziest part? The 'Happy Birthday Eamon' cake looks like it was the birthday cake for Eamon Sullivan (Australian Olympic gold medallist swimmer). He's the face of Davenport along with Stephanie Rice, and those daks sure do appear to say 'Davenport' on the waistband...
You'd think that being all rich and famous and shit, that they'd probably think to give him a cake less wrecky!!
Seriously, this post should probably have been called "This One's For the Boys." I'd guess the minority of those cakes were made for women.
Oh, my... does the last one have life savers for nipples?
Do any of you guys every watch cake boss. They make some amazing cakes on that show. Absolutely amazing
[SCREAMS!] Eeeeewwwww!