Thursday, January 1, 2009

Wasted Cakes

Thursday, January 1, 2009

If there's one thing I've learned from this blog, it's that there's a cake for everything. Vasectomies, divorces, fecal triumphs - bakeries come through where even Hallmark is left speechless. So for those of you reading this through squinted, blood-shot eyes, nursing a killer migraine, and wondering if God was actually paying attention to your 4AM porcelain-throne confessional this morning: cheer up; there's a cake for that.

Binky here is part of the new "scare 'em sober" line of cake kits. Nothing says "drink in moderation" quite like a deceased flattened clown with charred lumps for feet, right? "And that's why it's important to remember "stop, drop and roll" when doing flaming shots, boys and girls!"


Look familiar? I hope not; anyone who keeps a big mass of string cheese in their bathroom has serious hygiene issues. I'm glad the guy is labeled a "Party Animal", though: otherwise you might think this was celebrating the flu or food poisoning.

(Bonus Side Tangent Competition: Who can be the first to find me an actual cake celebrating the flu or food poisoning? C'mon; you know they're out there!)

And then there's Charlie, who shows us once and for all that you're never too old to party:

Charlie apparently likes to rock the Casbah with a couple of redskin potatoes shoved down the back of his pants. He also has a gargantuan toilet with a joystick on the seat, which he doesn't like to talk about.

[whispers] Shhh. He's sleeping. That pink shag rug and the smell of 2000 Flushes gets him every time. Aren't they just the cutest when they're dreaming?

(Yes, it's "professional". What, don't you trust me?)

Well, Happy New Year, everyone! Here's to a Wrecktastic 2009.

Thanks to Sarah N., and Stefani H.!
Anonymous said...

Are those used maxi-pads littering the floor on Daz's cake?

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

What, you've never rocked the Casbah with a couple of redskin potatoes crammed down your pants? Don't knock it until you've tried it!

Grooviechick said...

http://www.cakeguardindustries.com/index.htm
Not a flu cake, but could help your guests from getting the flu from your cake!!

Alix said...

NO! Nooooooo! No puking geriatrics head down in blue water cakes(well, at least it's still blue, so that's something I guess).

Have we really sunk to such lows?

(Just kidding. I love it!)

RooManda said...

I have always wondered how a toilet would taste....Mmm, chocolatey!

Joanie said...

Oh my! Now I've seen everything!

Sheri said...

The candle plungers on the Party Animal cake are just priceless--what a clever idea!

P.S. WOW! I never got to be first comment before! I guess this means I drank less than everyone else last night? heh

P.P.S. Word Verification: lubisclu = The new "private" version of Rubik's Cube, using KY Jelly.

D.B. Echo said...

The "Party Animal" looks like he's trying to retrieve something his kids tossed into the toilet that is now blocking it.

I assumed the geriatric toileteer was holding a bong or crack pipe, until you showed the other angle. Now....yeesh. Live the pink rug, though!

maggie said...

I wasn't hungover but now I do feel sick...

All Adither said...

At least that last cake has some FRESH, Sno-Bol water. Either that or the old guy was yacking up blue jellybeans.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Anonymous said...

Ok, they aren't cakes. But they are the grossest jello desserts you'll ever see! In real petri dishes!!


http://mark.rehorst.com/Dessert/index.htm

Amy said...

Great. Toilet cakes with "joysticks". That's just not right. Ick.

And the first one looks like the poor clown got run over by a drunk driver!

Funny stuff. I laughed so hard my 12 year old came out of her room to check on me.

Happy 2009!
~Amy B

Malibu Niki said...

I'm not too sure about that "joy stick" on the last cake... maybe that's really a bidet he's puking into?

Cathy Davis said...

Are you sure that Charlie isn't dead??? (I had wallpaper very similar to Charlie's -- scary, huh?)

Happy new year!

joyce said...

I never. I keep thinkin' it can't get much worse, and then, someone does a much worse cake. Wow. The tile floor does look awesome, but who wants to eat grout? Not to mention eating toilet....yuck

Anonymous said...

So what IS that joystick thing? Is it supposed to be a plunger? A tad under-scaled for that massive commode, I'd say...

Meghan said...

What on Earth is the stuff on the floor of Daz's cake? I believe the white crumpled-up thing is a towel, but I'm loathe to consider Anonymous's suggestion that those are [gulp] maxi pads. And what about the brown thing with the yellow stringy stuff? Any ideas?

GM said...

Meghan, I'm pretty sure the brown thing with the yellow stringy stuff is a slightly melted candy bar with cheez-whiz topping.
I don't even have a guess about the maxi-pads, although the red circle with the "S" on top appears to be an attempt at some sort of corporate logo.

Anonymous said...

My guess on the Party Animal cake was that the white things with "S"s' on them were cans...beer cans of some sort...maybe a local brand of beer to the party goer? Also, I thought the weird cheesy looking thing was pizza in a cardboard box??? Symbolizing drunk munchies, perhaps and its ensuing visit to the porcelain throne?

Deborah Godin said...

I promise, I promise...I'll never again drink too much or eat the blue icing!

SuperMom05 said...

Maybe the designer of the last cake wasn't going for the joystick look, but more of the "Flotation Tube" look. You know with the nozzle that you air it up with sticking up. Kind of symbolizing that he is hanging on for dear life.

Verification word: acksh. Which is the sound that I make when I see some of these cakes.

Distressful Damsel said...

Is that supposed to be a brown paper bag of barf in the second one?

Susan said...

Okay, but someone actually MASS PRODUCED the Light Beer candles on Nicole's cake. If you're gonna have fake beer cans...

Never mind. I get it. Light. Beer. Wick. Yecch.

WV: phordned, like "We got her the best cake we coulda phordned."

Etiquette Bitch said...

happy 2009, everyone!

okay, i showed my husband CW2 and 3. His comments:

CW2: "It looks like he's having sex with the bathroom."

CW3: (after I said, 'what is that?' referring to the toilet-joystick:)
"It's a plunger."

Anonymous said...

"Joystick." Yes. Your mastery of the euphemism is unparalleled. My hat's off to you.

Hyena Overlord said...

ugh..toilets as food. I think Charlie had too much blue icing.


wvotd...drocy... The toilet cakes make my feel drocy. The clown cake too...ew..

wolfmom said...

These are just wrong! Do people actually order this stuff?

The clown is just plain scary. Are those olives for his feet? I think this comes under the "Scared Straight" for drinking. After a cake like that, who would want to? Does everyone have scary clown issues?

Jen...I think you have outdone yourself. Where can you go from here?

weebbt said...

omg, the commentary on the old dude at the toilet cake has me cracking up!

Anonymous said...

My guesses:

2nd cake
white things with red spots = beer cans
brown thing with yellow string = brown towel covered in vomit

3rd cake
"joystick" = cigar


Eh, whatever they're supposed to be, they sure are wreckstastic!

Tanya said...

Um, is that a plunger the old guy is holding? That was my first thought. Ew...who needs a plunger after they puke?

Anonymous said...

http://stuff.gbsfm.info/poison_cake.jpg

cheers!

Jessica said...

Does the party animal cake seriously have 3 plungers?

sendingtheclowns said...

Oh, yick. If Charlie really looks like that guy- blue hair, bony butt hanging out of his JEANS, drinking himself into oblivion at the "dignified" age of 83- he deserves to be sick. He deserves the toilet the size of a VW. AND, he deserves the pink shag rug.
I don't think I like Charlie.

(Better get a bigger plunger, Chuck.)

MaryAnn said...

I think Charlie is a plumber. The "potatoes" are his plumber crack, the "joystick" is a plunger and he is looking into toilet rather than throwing up in it.

Scritzy said...

This really isn't fair. I have bronchitis, and going into convulsive laughing fits causes me to cough more. Ohhhh ... my ribs ...

After this batch of wackos, I think I'm going to need my own face-to-face confrontation with Porcelain Patty.

I think the unidentified thing on the floor next to Mr. Passout is a giant bean burrito with extra cheese.

And I want a joystick on my toilet.

Happy New Year!

Sugar Mama said...

This blog brings more joy then a new pair of shoes!! I came across it by accident and now every day I get to share new posts with the ladies at the office and we all get a giggle over our morning coffee:).

Sammee Pearson
Sandy, Utah

Aviatrix said...

No! No! We trust you, but I disbelieve. That cannot be a professional cake. Not made by a professional cake decorator. Maybe by a professional streetwalker who accepted payment in hallucinogenic drugs, and had a broken arm.

But maybe I can accept that the client -- do we call people who commission cakes like this "johns"? -- actually requested these details. Then yes, we must all applaud the professionalism of this baker, who fulfilled the client's wishes despite his or her personal standards of decency and taste.

Kate said...

i think that the last one is for an old guy who's been a plumber for a long time! that's his "plumber's crack" and the plunger makes more sense that way. it's just really poorly done, and they couldn't figure out a way to make his head do anything other than lay on the toilet in that creepy way. some of the other explanations are more fun though. love the site!

Miranda said...

Am I the only one who thinks Daz's cake, while in questionable taste, is awesomely executed?

~Kathryn~ said...

oh my goodness
i've been a wreck follower for .... well it seems like forever (that lifelike bride cake sticks in my mind) .... but this is the first time i've commented - because these have made me laugh until i have tears running down my face ... seriously .... the gigantic toilet bowl with potatos down your pants .... OMG *snicker*
i wonder if my 'Daz' would like a cake like that one for his 40th this year ???

rhiannon said...

I don't think the old guy is puking. I think he's a plumber... thus I assume the potatoes are actually a case of "plumber butt," and the joystick is a plunger!

Now, what kind of plumber rests his chin on the toilet, I have no idea.

Anonymous said...

I actually think the last cake was made for a plumber.. hence the PLUNGER he is holding and the plumber pants buttcrack he is rocking in the back!!!

Michael said...

i almost shot milk out my nose with the red potatos thing. that's hilarious, a great post!

Suzanne Dargie said...

OMG! I really can't believe that toilet cakes exist. I guess that's where 2008 belongs...in the toilet.

Miranda said...

oh, gods. That was me bringing up my toenails this morning. X( If anyone gets me a cake commemorating it, they are going to be wearing the blasted thing.

Stephanie said...

"couple of redskin potatoes shoved down the back of his pants"
I think I just snorted soda up my nose. SO fuunny.

Mary said...

For the first one: do you think her parents got her that cake?

Anonymous said...

The first cake looks like a crime scene.

Christine said...

There's this cake http://www.flickr.com/photos/20358768@N00/2866675301/ Looks like it's more about the chicken pox than the flu. (and it looks like it's non-professional)

Kelly J. said...

I was coming here to post the Get Well Soon cake but Christine beat me to it. Not exactly celebrating flu/food poisoning but here's a different get well cake: http://www.erbzine.com/mag13/gwcakeh5.jpg

Not sure what "Stay off the Boof" means, or what Mowgli is up to but I'm sure it made the recipient feel better.

Beckster said...

those are freaking awesome! Someone who does that (been there done that) deserves a cake like that!!!!! That ball of "string" worries me some. WTF is that? Isn't that "joystick" the plunger? Ewwwww

nichole said...

Anonymous, I too thought it was a brown towel covered in vomit. Ew. On a cake.

Bonnie said...

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....the blue water in that ginormous toilet is the funniest part to me..."rocked the Casbah with a couple of redskin potatoes crammed down your pants"? HILARIOUS...

(sigh) my day doesn't begin until I've seen some wreckiness...

Happy New Year everyone!

~Bonnie B~

Tabitha (From single to married) said...

That is so funny and so unappetizing at the same time!

Christy Bishop said...

thanks for another laugh-til-I-cry posting!!! even the comments on your blog are funny! My day is better for stopping by the cake wrecks blog!

Anonymous said...

The giant toilet's shag carpet is freaking me out. Plus it looks like the "sleeping guy" is biting the toilet seat. Gross!

Rebecca said...

Wow. I think the old guy's "joystick" must be a pipe. Or a brown butt blug. I enjoy his little angry red butt crack peeking out.

Anonymous said...

Uh. On the "21st birthday" clown cake..

WHAT is behind the 21 candles? Scary!

Tony said...

The guy depicted on the last cake looks like Bill Clinton!

Antoinette Chua said...

I wish someone could teach me how to make that cake with a red ribbon.. it looks funny.. at least the toilet is dandy clean..

hahahahaha..

Happy New Year!!!

Noelle said...

Charlie and his potatoes remind me of my dad's favorite joke, the one with the punchline that you were supposed to put the potato down the FRONT of your Speedos.

oh just ehu. said...

UGH!!! I hated those stupid clown head toppers!! Those were FREAKY!?!

moonfall86 said...

I agree that the third cake is probably for a plumber. He's examining the toilet rather than puking into it.

Anonymous said...

That last cake is plumber! The brown "joystick" is a toilet plunger, and the potatoes are a plumber's crack....