Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mailbag!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jen, John and I get billions of emails every day. Some tell us how funny we are. The rest are "enlargement" offers, unique international business opportunities, and requests for the photo of the uncensored German dong cake (yes, they're still asking).

In honour of "Clean Out Your Inbox Week," we've decided to respond to a few of those emails here.

******************
Dear Jen and John,

I've had a hard week! With my in-laws coming to visit and my water breaking, I've had no time to myself! I finally found solitude when I locked myself in the bathroom for six hours on Saturday and read through the Cake Wrecks archives on my laptop. (Had to stop when Aunt Tilda had to go "Number Twosies.") Just wanted to say thanks for the laughs and also ask how do you keep from getting stressed out?

Crying tears of joy,
-Matthew

*********

Dear Matthew,

I assume you meant to write that your water "heater" broke. However, we recently found ourselves in a similar situation when family came to visit over the holidays (only we chose to lock ourselves in the closet, not the bathroom). We restored our sanity by relaxing, meditating, and focusing on the love we have for each other.

And we also got drunk and ate lots of chocolate.


Don't forget to flush,
john (the hubby of Jen)

********************
Dear Cake Wrecks,

While I generally consider myself a "humorous" person, I must admit I was deeply offended by a recent joke you made on your site. There is nothing at all funny in this punchline:

"What kind of joker put this cake together?"

As the dealer for the Vegan Underwater Polish Canasta Team, I think you should consider your readers who hold the Joker in high regard. It is not a joke, Cake Wrecks. It is one of the most important cards in the deck.

Unfollowing. It's been fun.

-Betty
****************
Hi Betty,

We apologize for offending you and the other members of the Vegan Underwater Polish Canasta Team. We realize the Joker can be very important and will be sure to reference it in a higher regard next time we feature a wrecked playing card cake.

We plan to post the following cake next week and we sincerely hope your team won't be offended.


All the best-
Number One

*******************
Dear friend,

Please vote for my cat Smuckers in the Kennel Treats "Cutest Pet Sweepstakes!" The more votes my cat gets, the more chance we have to win! So vote often, and forward this email to all your friends!!


Vote now!!!
-Jeanna and Smuckers
********************

Dear Jeanna,

Though we appreciate your interest and highly personalized e-mail, I'm afraid we get too many requests for online votes to grant ours to little Smuckers.

Plus we thought this guy was cuter:


Best of luck anyway!
-CW Team
****************
Our deepest thanks to readers Fifi B., Theresa K., Jennifer D., Emily P., and Roberta for sending us emails with photos of cakes in them... and not just asking us to claim our winnings in the Euro Millions email promotion.
Stephanie said...

You had me going with the first one... and then I saw the second 'email'. *snickers* Nice. ;)

Classic Steve said...

"Jen, John and I"? Who's speaking?

Mmm, possum pastry.

Ellen said...

The Joker and that . . . um, opossum (?) are now fighting it out for top billing in my nightmares tonight.

Can anyone figure out what was used for the hairs on that thing? All I can think is that it's actually -- well, hairs!

:::shudder:::

The Angry Jackalope said...

What is the "fur" on the possum made of? Sparkly yarn? I probably don't want to know.

Jessica said...

WV: dedish

That people on that first cake look sort of dedish to me. The rat is not dedish enough.

Sandy C also in SoFla said...

Awesome theme today! Love it. You should have more issues on a regular basis. Once a month? I could not wait to take my am cakewrecks break today.

ps.. I also am wondering what was used as hair for that opossum cake.. or is it a rat? I cannot imagine getting a piece of that one.

MyCatsRule said...

Before I clicked on the first photo for a closeup, I thought the bride was an Always pad. I was trying to figure out the significance. Given some of the cakes you feature, it didn't really surprise me, just puzzled me.

WV: undises - Your writing + these wrecks = PMLOL so hard I have to change my undises

Danger Boy said...

That possum-rat-ROUS-thing is disgustifying!

BADKarma! said...

I keep looking behind me now, to make sure that opossum cake isn't sneaking up on me. Geesh.

WV - mudism: A recently-developed religion among wreckorators. One of the basic tennets of Mudism is "When rendering creepy vermin in cake, thou shalt cover them in dyed coconut and glitter powder, for 'realism's' sake".

Elizabeth said...

What's the uh....white thing on the first cake. I must admit it looks a bit like a used...um...something.

KatyChrista said...

Totally didn't realize that the white blobish thing next to the groom was the bride...I thought it was a huge lake of vomit.

NiteNurse said...

WV: rophies (close enuff!)

Guy on the first cake was slipped some rophies. He won't remember the drinking, the puking, or the coma.

jo said...

I was a little confused reading Matthew's email. I was wondering how he had time to read in the bathroom for 6 hours after his water broke. I thought he was a pregnant woman (and therefore in labor)--until I saw his name.

Matt, dude, words MATTER. (Yesterday, reviewing 7-year-old's quiz on some Indians, she wrote they were really good at "craving" and "panting." (instead of carving and painting, as in totem poles.) We had a whole other image in mind! My husband started doing craving and panting impressions.

Kinda reminds me of the Jack Daniels cake. That must have been SOME wedding btw. the beloved bride and groom passed out drunk on the floor and all the guests gone. gotta love the ring o' beer bottles around the perimter and the delicately balanced JD bottled on top. classy.

the Polish Underwater Canasta team was joking, right? meanwhile, the Joker is terrifying, like a psychotic serial killer cannibal (who didn't wipe his mouth) wearing a headpiece with ax blades. *SHUDDER* *curls up in a ball and sucks her thumb in terror*
clown, vampire, who can tell?

the cartoon cat looks like it's wearing a rennaissance collar, and the rat/possum is the most unappetizing thing I've seen in weeks! Hair? ears? what are they made of? yikes.

now I really want to see the dong cake. I'll have to send you an email ;)

wv: nuedis. apparently what the dong cake was.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Wow, you've sent 300 emails so far?

That is one funny groom's cake! I kinda like it.

Don't forget to flush *snort* Nice intro for the next cake! Royal flush *ba-da bum* Geez, they took the K,Q and J off of the "cards" so they could decorate that part themselves, but left the A and 10.

Yikes! That joker cake has been weighed, has been measured, and has been found wanting...

Why is the kitty wearing a little mask?

I'm with everyone else...dear God what is that thing's hair made from? {{{shudder}}} It looks like a R.O.U.S to me.

I think Mr. Floopers is the winner!

wv: gabitong: *singing* Get it on...gabitong...get it on

Caroline B said...

I had to Google possums to see what they look like without a raging case of the mange...what IS that hair made of, wire wool?

popcorn said...

huh its rat cant eat:)

Gary said...

By the way, when ARE you going to send me that uncensored German dong cake picture?

Marie said...

OH...that opossum cake at the end is making me turn off of cake for awhile. Thankfully, I have cookies.

Donna said...

Gosh! I hope that opossum isn't too cold with it having mange and going bald and all....

Let Them Eat Cake said...

Scabbers!

Corgilvr in snowy ND said...

I am who thinks the "kitty" one looks a lot like the sidekick cat on Thundercats the cartoon? The large ears, white face? No, only me?
Thanks Jen, John and I for all the great laughs - wouldn't miss a day.

wv: frustes: I get frustes8ed on Saturday when there are no Cake Wrecks to view.

Heidi said...

So, just for the confused person I am. Who exactly is Number 1?

And the post is hysterical, as usual!

Heidi

Anonymous said...

An R.O.U.S. Cake! Scary and awesome all at once! Love the letters! Amazing as usual!

kayk said...

That must be a Twilight vampire possum.

Amy's Cooking Adventures said...

Good Gracious, is that first one a wedding cake! bleh!

And that opossum thing made me throw up a little in my mouth...shudder

Craig said...

The first one would drive anyone to drink.

#2 All of the 'cards' are edible (I hope) prints. Of course, the whole picture-on-cake thing rather pushes the definition of 'edible', if I were to be asked.

#3 There have been so many interpretations of 'The Joker' over the years that 'Vince Furnier really ought to hang it up, now' doesn't seem too bad. The wreckerator might have left just a few millimeters for writing a message, though.

#4 Proof that something with a name like 'Smuckers' doesn't have to be good. Or even recognizable -- it looks like a clown bandit.

#5 So there really is 'rat cake'. Appalling. Fits right in with all the Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam that you 'guys' receive, though. (Yes, it could be interpreted as an opossum, EPCOT denizens, but 'opossum' doesn't fit nearly as well. After all, how many opossum jokes are there?)

In the interest of not needing to swallow my most recent meal more than once, I'll stipulate that the 'hair' is spun sugar. What a huge amount of work for... that.

@Loo-E Loo-I, wasn't 'Get it On' first recorded by T-Wrecks? Well, I guess today's soundtrack is set -- thank you very little. ;-)

Jennifer said...

KatyChrista, I thought the same as you about pregnant Matthew giving birth in the bathroom while reading CakeWrecks. That's....a highly improbable image.

As for the critter in the last cake, I'm fairly sure it's supposed to be a naked mole rat, not an opossum.

wv: indows. The bride indows me with a sense of security that their marriage will last until they are sober.

Oldish Lady said...

It can be hard to tell a rat from a possum. One friend of mine, raised in the Chicago area, saw a possum by his trash one day after he moved to Indiana, and his first thought was that "They grow them really big here."

Neither, however, should be made into a cake.

I hereby propose a rule: If you wouldn't normally eat it, don't make a cake out of it.

Anonymous said...

Is it me or are the bathroom and sexual innuendo jokes increasing on this blog? Still funny and enjoyable but sometimes I feel like I'm reading it on a third grade playground.

Mary Connealy said...

Is that a RAT CAKE????????????

Unfriending.



(joke)

Barbara Jo said...

Woohoo! My third time of Cake Wrecks! The evil rat (which, I admit, could easily be mistaken for an opossum) is just part of my Killer Rats Cake. You can see the whole thing at http://www.doitmyself.org/2005/05/killer-rats-cake.html, but use caution, since that is actually the healthiest-looking of the three rats on the cake. Oh, and the rats are eating a severed human arm.

In answer to everyone's question, the fur is made of spun sugar, painted with an airbrush.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

@Craig
Yes, this rendition is by T-Wrecks! :-D

I did a search of spun sugar images and low & behold the rat cake shows up there (blech). Well, thank you very little for that ;-D

Eww now I feel like I got hair in my mouth...blech!

Anonymous said...

Having attended college on a scholarship provided by the local Vegan Underwater Polish Canasta Club, I can't tell you how offended I am. Or how great it is to see them get some publicity. Whichever.

T said...

that last one may have been edible before it spent the afternoon in the hair salon attracting the hair clippings... but I wouldn't bet on it.

Anonymous said...

on the r.o.u.s., is it tinsel? because it kinda looks like tinsel...
really, though, who *doesn't* want a mouthful of tinseled icing?
-arnie

Chriss said...

The frightening thing about that Joker cake is that it's actually PERFECT when you consider the particular fictional sociopath it depicts. I don't think you can really call that one a wreck, considering. ;)

Anonymous said...

Happy "Chocolate Cake Day"! Yes, apparently it's a real thing. Who knew. This is a made up holiday I plan to fully celebrate.

Cakefully Yours,
Megan

Christina said...

Keep up the great work you guys!! Love my CW break.... used to be a CW coffee break until I had to replace my monitor from spraying it with mouthfuls of coffee :-P

WV: forofl - found oscar rolling over flat lillies

Ellen said...

Barbara Jo said...

>> In answer to everyone's question, the fur is made of spun sugar, painted with an airbrush.<<

Well, that's good to know!

I went to the site -- I'm not surprised to hear that you had to model the evil rats after a toy -- real ones are pretty cute.


wv - cration.

That may be the scariest cake in cration!

Rebecca said...

The last cake reminds me of 'The Princess Bride', which I am currently watching. The oversized rat-wrestling scene came on as I scrolled down to the last cake.

Aliza said...

@Oldish Lady: a good rule!

@Heidi: Number 1 is also named Jen and she helps Jen (and John) with this blog.

@Craig-- good catch with T-wrecks!

My sympathies on all the email you get. All in addition to having to moderate 80-400 comments each day? (oops, I guess I don't help with that, do I?). Yikes! At least you manage to keep up your sense of humour :) You guys always know how to cheer me up even when having a bad... month.

As for the cakes:
#1 You know your lifestyle needs improvement when you think that's appropriate for a wedding and an accurate reflection of yourselves -- passed out, with icing that looks like vomit, surrounded by bottles. I don't think Jack Daniels will be using this in their advertising... but AA should! And if they're not flipped into recovery position, maybe the local funeral home, too.

And Matthew, with his water, may explain something about yesterday's cake ::grin::

#2 Well, I don't think that cake is wrecky enough to qualify for CW. But that email is!

#3 That's a BIRTHDAY cake?! Good thing the recipient is old enough not to have nightmares for the next 24 years (good thing they weren't Canadian, or else the cake would be along the lines of Cake #1...)

#4 Never received an email like that. But I can see with a pet looking like that, they'd need all the votes they can get! Especially from the blind Lithuanian euchre team!

#5 Beady glassy eyes, sparkly stringy fur, stick-on ears... yikes, that's a cake? What on earth did that person do to deserve that? And what IS that fur on that rat/whatever?! ::shudder::

Elisabeth said...

So amazingly enough I had to click on the link to the don't cake for I had somehow forgotten about it. After wiping away the tears from laughing so hard and reading through some of the comments I noticed a very helpful comment. Someone had mentioned you should have put a smiley face over the reflection also. So of course I scrolled.back up to the pick and....well I won't need to email you for the uncensored photo... Today's post was terrific! The ratopossum is just what I had wanted for a grooms cake! Could it have come in gray though?

wv: funter. Could the R.O.U.S. cake be more funter? If it could be, guess we'll all just have to wonder.

Aliza said...

@Barbara Jo... I'm not sure whether to be in awe of your talent (and incredible patience), or frightened ;)

PS that severed arm sounds delicious! And the cupcakes were cute

Anonymous said...

Nice use of those small chocolate liquor bottles stuck to the side of a cake. I bet I can even do that! Rat whatever cake is gross!!! But, it won't stop me from eating cake. lol

mladybright said...

Okay. Now I need the chocolate, Jack Daniels and a closet.

~~Di

Oh, and "oldish Lady" -- you obviously live in town... we DO eat possum out here. So as a cake... by your rules... it's a go. Eww.

wv - ducleu -- I have not even one clue, how do you come up with ducleu on what these CWs were really meant for?

mladybright said...

While showing dh the cakes... I did notice that no one picked the Epcot, that the first cake with dead drunk bride and groom is obviously the groom's cake, the bride's being to the left.

~~Di

annabanana said...

did you know opossums only have a 2 year life span?

looks like that opossum was made from several dead ones. gross.

ๆ„› - ใกใ‚ƒใ‚“ said...

That joker really creeps me out.

DanInNZ said...

@Barbara Jo...
The rat cake on your link is AMAZING. Disgustingly, repulsively amazing. The rats are great, and the arm with the internal bones, is just genius. So much effort obviously went into the whole process.

If it wasn't so gross, it'd definitely deserve to be a sunday sweet!

Anonymous said...

First cake=lolol funny for a groom cake

Joker/batman cake-not a bad idea, just needed better execution.

Last Cake D:

Craig said...

80 - 400 incoming per day?! I'm guessing submissions add to the total. Thanks for the factoid, @Aliza -- I had been wondering.

Having seen the comment section of other sites (which are moderated to much looser standards, if at all), I can guess what kinds of things don't make the cut. It must be doubly hard to be consistently funny when you have to wade through the muck that is out there.

CW team, a kudos to each of you.

Jared said...

Great blog. Curious to know how you have attracted so many readers to your blog. I started a humorous blog and am looking to get more readers to look at it but not sure how. Any help from you would be great.

Ellen said...

>>Jen, John and I get billions of emails every day<<


Based on this, I would say that #1 is Carl Sagan! :)

And, as my mother always says "I've told you a million times to stop exaggerating!"

Arlene said...

Lmao. I wish my email was half as interesting. I keep getting offers from a Nigerian prince to take his money. Sadly I never respond to such blatant idiocy lol but those cakes..wow.

MadTigerKitty said...

These are some of the wreckiest cakes I've seen so far on this site. I actually jumped back from the screen when I saw the rat-thing cake.

KatiMomKat said...

Oh dear, that possum is truly hideous. Or else really great, because it looks so real. Thanks for all the laughs...your blog keeps me amused for hours on end.

escalante blogger said...

Jack Daniels with cake. I can't take it.. (Just kidding) :-)

Aliza said...

@Craig-- just want to make it clear that that was a complete guess, based on the comments different posts have, with a few extra that I presume aren't published. So this post (and other relatively low-comment ones) is at 60-ish published + 20 for eliminated by the moderator = 80. And then there were the super popular ones, not counting that contest.

I'll leave it to John or someone else with CW to give the official range... my guess probably is less factoid and more truthiness!

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Aliza and Craig,

Here are some numbers from the last two weeks:

Lowest number of comments- 50

Average- 90

Highest- 178

Number we have to reject for language- <1 a day

Number of spam we have to reject- >10

Highest number of comments ever- 2,273 on Five awesome things

Number of cake submissions a day- about 50

As an avid reader of the internets, I'm extremely proud of the fact that our readers keep the boards so civil.

You guy rock absolutely.

john

Sandy C Also in SoFla said...

No, John, YOU rock!

and PS, for those of you who don't know. #1 is a reference to Star Trek-Next Gen. Cpt Pickard often called his first officer #1 when giving a command.

terri c said...

Naked mole rat? My skin is still twitching. It is a work of demented genius.

alainarkraus said...

Is that last one a Rodent of Unusual Size? As horrid as it is, I might actually understand why someone would want the cake if that were the case...

ilze said...

I think people who make these cakes are somehow related to people who paint on velvet. I keep asking myself - WHY????

My name is Michelle. said...

I made the mistake of reading this post at 11:45 pm. Now I am going to have nightmares. I'm not sure if the nightmares will just be about possums or if they will involve hairy cake. Maybe it will be raw hide dog treats and cake. I guess there are just too many ways that last cake can haunt me. I'm now going to read horror stories in bed in the hopes of removing that vision from my mind.

Sarah said...

I love yall but that possum cake made this Southern girl gag. That's worse than a bleeding armadillo groom's cake....

ShinyGreenApple said...

Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they ex-- AAAUUUGGGH!

Is it bad that I find the Jack Daniels wedding cake kind of funny?

Angie said...

My five year old daughter just started crying. She needs reassurance that nobody actually ate that, and that it was in fact just a rodent, and not a cake.