Friday, July 9, 2010

Who You Callin' 'Pro'?

Friday, July 9, 2010

You all know I only feature professionally made Wrecks here on CW. The irony, of course, is that I mistake pro for amateur way more often than the other way around! Heh. So anyway, while I've been told that today's Wrecks are indeed made by real, honest-to-goodness, got-paid-for-their-efforts cake decorators, part of me still refuses to believe it.

I'm still posting them, though, because they're all wedding cakes. Served at people's actual weddings. And even if one was actually made by Aunt Mildred who calls herself a pro but really isn't, I think the world deserves to see this cautionary tale.

Plus, it's kinda funny.

Whew, thank goodness for fresh flowers! Too bad they didn't have enough to hide the fact that the cake is being served on a giant dry-erase board, though.

I also like the gentle placement of the topper. That took "finesse."



Apparently this was taken during The Great Icing Shortage of '73 - back when grooms were stayin' alive with their groovy butterfly collars and the bridesmaids wore Frigidaire green. Looks like they ran out of flowers here too, though, and raided the fruit bowl instead.




Hey, "Love to Highway", right? And getting married doesn't mean the groom has to give up his matchbox cars, right?


And now, a haiku for you, wedding cake:

red bleeding ribbon
did the cake get in a fight?
lumpy icing tiers


And finally, before I show you this last Wreck, I feel I should reiterate that the bride herself *assured* me she paid actual money to an actual professional to make it. Honest. Really.

Now, in the baker's defense, I'm told the insides of all the cake tiers were raw.

How is that a defense, you ask?

Well, um...

Oh! Imagine how hard it must've been to stack all those raw cake tiers! Eh? Yeah, I like to look on the sunny side of things. Which is good, because this cake is so sunny I think I can hear my retinas sizzling.


Hey, Grace C., Tony M., Anony M., Anony #2., & Anita R., "sizzling retinas" would be a terrible band name. Really. Just awful.
NYCGirl said...

I think "love to highway" has the potential to become the next "happy Falker Satherhood"!

Anonymous said...

I feel so bad for the bride of the yellow cake! I remember walking into my wedding reception to find my cake was bright, neon yellow! It was heart breaking then, but funny now.

Katie said...

While I personally wouldn't want it for a wedding cake, I imagine the "Love to Highway" cake was exactly what the bride and groom ordered. They probably loved it.

tjbmurph said...

So, what I get from this, is I can take actual money from people and then let my 8 year old break out her Easy Bake Oven and that makes me professional? SCORE! Extra income for a stay at home mom and something to keep the kid busy!

Cheri said...

I really thought that last one was supposed to be a radioactive volcano.

A Paperback Writer said...

That top one looks a bit like what happened to my box of Crayolas when I left them in the back window of the car in July of '72......

And the one with the toy cars.... uh, frosting the color and apparent texture of boogers is not really MY pick for frosting on any cake, let alone a wedding cake.

Julie said...

wow...

Sharon said...

1. Lumpy pillows? Icing is cracked too.

2. No icing on a cake? Naked cake = unappetizing.

3. Highway to Love. Notice the groom figurine trying to escape? Probably from the wrecky cake.

5. Beehive? That's just WRONG!

Sharon's Edible Art

Classic Steve said...

The second was for a health nut's wedding. I hope.

WV: hirstiki -- She put hirstiki fingers in the cake.

meep said...

I hope nobody got salmonella from the raw cake.

But given how unappetizing it looks from the outside, I'm thinking nobody wanted any. So I guess it was a favor from the decorator to warn off people.

Stella said...

...my retinas sizzling. Good one. LOL. Gotta admit those "pro" cakes were pretty bad. I'd be asking for some money back, especially on the electric yellow neon Barbie bride cake.

Wolvie Girl said...

What's a Highwab?

Jenniffer said...

OMG! These cakes will haunt me in my nightmares! They are truly wrecktastic!

Anonymous said...

On the last one, I would love to see the example photo the bride showed the baker!

Kirstan said...

LOL.

Debbie In Mich. said...

First time commenter here! These wedding wrecks are REALLY scaring me...my daughter, and fiance's, big day is next month. I can only imagine the nightmares I'm going to start having after seeing these, 'ahem..."professional" displays.
Anyway, back to the individual wrecks; perhaps the "Love To Highway" baker is dyslexic, and the saying is actually supposed to read, "Highway To Love"? As for that yellow last one, it reminds me of a huge beehive. I expect a swarm of African Killer Bees to come swarming out of the top any second now!
Thanks for the great laughs this morning. Gotta go...I think I hear a bee somewhere! LOL!
Debbie

WV: colupe. "Congratulations to the happy colupe".

jen bryner said...

the last cake looks like a yellow version of the cake in sleeping beauty...BEFORE they use magic to make it!

Amy said...

I hope the bride got her money back for the last cake, especially if it was raw inside!

Anonymous said...

The first thing I thought of when I saw the first cake was that it reminded me of a coffin with a funky lid.

Melinda said...

Shame about the ribbon one. It had potential, I think.

Anonymous said...

Amazing! So, what's the "rest of the story" on the yellow cake? I assume the bride (and everyone else) were livid, but did they get their money back??

KatjaMouse said...

After looking at the last cake and reading the description of it all I could think of was the falling, already decorated and lit up birthday cake, from Disney's Sleeping Beauty. Remember that scene? "Of course it will be much stiffer after it's baked!"

Heather said...

Wow! Those are...wow! Sorry, that's all I can muster. Those really are awful! Poor brides!

Barb W said...

Raw? Raw? I assume she meant it didn't bake evenly and was underdone, and thus hard to decorate. Because to me, "raw" cake would be the batter before you baked it, which would be impossible to frost. Still, how does that fact that the cake turned out badly work as an excuse for lousy frosting? Bake another cake, buy another cake if you're out of time, but don't just frost lumpy cake. This gives new meaning to the term "half-baked."

jo said...

cake haiku! I love it!

The first one looks like a boxy car shrouded in a sheet. then wrapped in ribbon. and adorned in flowers. on a dry erase board? seriously??? was this a low budget bakery or were they so busy they ran out of cardboard from so many orders going out that they had to use office supplies in a pinch?

#2--maybe they're anti-icing activists? or they wanted a harvest theme? fruit and brown+ dead leaves?

Love to Highway or Highway to Love? hmmm. meanwhile, why is one car driving into a waterfall? matchbox cars. how old is the groom, ten?

neon yellow and green mountain cake (who chose THOSE colors? did they work for chernobyl?) your description of unbaked layers reminds me of Fauna's attempt at a cake in Sleeping Beauty. Before the magic.

Anonymous said...

Oh, your haiku was singularly awesome.

Anonymous said...

@Cheri--what a romantic thought! a radioactive volcano erupting the loving couple in all their 50's cake topper harmony. a little dry ice would have been a nice touch.

murphiz said...

i'm pretty sure i saw that topper from "love to highway" at walmart the other day.

Anonymous said...

@meep--good call. bright colors in nature (plants, amphibians) warn of their toxicity. That last cake HAD to be toxic and the decorator rightly chose caution tape yellow.

meanwhile, i wonder if the dry erase board was at least erased of any inky messages before they slapped the cake on it.

Bruce, Andrea, & Ashtyn said...

These made my wedding cake look amazing!!!

I ordered a white, fondant (totally plain and smooth) cake with four square stacked layers and ended up with four round cakes on seperate cake stands with lumpy buttercream icing and piping that looked like lace on top of each, topped off with ugly silk calla lillies. Huh? I'll have to dig up some pictures of what I ordered and what I got to send...

But after seeing these, I feel blessed!!!!

The Boob Nazi said...

I will DIE and probably throw a hissy fit and cry if my cake on my wedding day looks like these.

Amanda said...

Deplorable

Amanda said...

Having flash backs of my own wedding cake. All the poles holding up the tiers were placed too closely together. It fell over before I ever got to see it. Although, the wreckage was delicious.

Erika said...

I wish you would do a full story on the last one...One of those, this is what they order and this is what they got.

Lisa Mantchev said...

I DIE. The second one, with the apples, was inspired by a Martha Stewart Wedding cake (apple spice with cream cheese frosting, which was indeed only meant to go on top of each layer, not on the sides, and garnished with dipped crab apples.) I know this because we took the recipe/picture and replicated it for my wedding, with FAR more success, I will add, though it was baked and assembled by my mother!

*going to call and thank her this morning for being "better than a pro" at cakes*

Anonymous said...

The poor brides. I imagine there are worse things that happen on wedding days, but walking into your reception to see these disasters... recipe for instant tears.

I had to read your comment to know that was 'highway'. Then, having a dyslexic brother, I realized it read from bottom to top. Though, why highway mixed lc and uc, then full uc for the other words?

I decorate cakes and get asked why I don't go 'pro'... My answer - "It's too scary what I'll become - just look at the pros on CW!"

"radioactive volcano" -- *snort*

~~Di

wv - hictic -- it was a very hictic day after the bride saw her wrecky cake.

DangGina said...

Wow. And I thought the first cake was bound to be the worst. Really, how can one judge which is worst though? (It's the yellow one: I'm right, aren't I?) I almost want to cry for the brides, if it weren't so darn funny...

Anonymous said...

just plain nasty

gena said...

These are hilariously abominable! A dry erase board as a tray? Really? I'm dyin' here. "The Great Frosting Shortage of '73." Snort! Oy vay, these seem even worse than usual. Keep up the good work!

wv: crubr
These cakes look like they've been frosted with crubr.

LaurenH said...

So I was looking at these and thinking how terrible it'd be to have any of them on your wedding day when I realized "You know? If I got anything like that (especially the last one!) on my wedding day now I'd probably be excited. I imagine the thinking would go something like: Good God that's terrible....I'm totally getting on Cakewrecks!!!" as opposed to being upset at the awful cake.

Just another little added service of your blog. Making disappointment a little more happy :)

Dani said...

red bleeding ribbon
did the cake get in a fight?
lumpy icing tiers


I wonder if it was a typo, personally I think it should be "tears" on the poor haiku cake. =)
~Dani~

Tiffany said...

Just another lesson on why you ask to see the "professional's" portfolio before ordering something as important as a wedding cake!!!

Ai-yi-yi.....

wv - dedlea

Eating one of these monstrosities could prove dedlea!!! (I thought it was appropriate)

Anonymous said...

I hope Aunt Mildred made the first one 'cause it's kinda charming. The last one is Thomas Kincaid radiation window yellow. I think I have to put a cool cloth on my eyes! Norine

Bree said...

Are we sure the first one is actually a cake and not the ring pillow with some flowers attached to it?

The second looks like a wedding cake I would make, complete with wonky writing.

If done correctly, the apple cake would have been gorgeous, especially for a fall wedding.

The bleeding cake isn't that bad, but the ribbon definitely makes it a wreck.

The last one---does the baker work on Three Mile Island?

Maggie said...

Good grief! That poor bride with the yellow cake! What was she hoping for?

Mel V. said...

LaurenH said: "If I got anything like that (especially the last one!) on my wedding day now I'd probably be excited. I imagine the thinking would go something like: Good God that's terrible....I'm totally getting on Cakewrecks!!!"

My thought exactly! I would have laughed so hard if my wedding cake looked like one of these. (The cake wasn't the centerpiece of my wedding anyway. In my book, as long as the bride and groom are married at the end of the day, it's a success!)

Anonymous said...

Holy. Yellow. Crap. (Batman)

Did a highlighter go skinny dipping in the icing? What the what?

The first one did look like comfy fluffy pillows and my naivete thought it wasn't bad. .until I noticed the whiteboard. Uh.

RBX said...

Wow. I have to wonder if these "professional" bakers have portfolios that show their work. I got my wedding cake baker's info from our florist, and she did a wonderful job. She worked out of her tiny, non-air-conditioned house (which I have to give her a lot of credit for-- I can't imagine how hot it gets in there) and did not do fondant at all (probably b/c of the heat). Her favorite medium is buttercream, which I ADORE. The test cake she gave us to try (and take home) was a 6-inch white cake with white buttercream and was delicious! It was also very smooth and indicative of her expertise in working with buttercream. I just couldn't imagine that with all that backing her up that she could have shown up at our wedding with something horrid.

So though I feel awful for these couples who have ugly wedding cakes, I have to ask myself if they did their research, or if they were somehow duped (e.g., fake portfolios).

RBX

PS - I'll have to track down some pictures of our wedding cake and groom's cake, since they were pretty impressive, considering they were both fondant-free!

VeganWitch said...

Re: Raw Cake.
As a sometime raw vegan, I'm sure that the Bride ordered it to be raw; it contained NO dairy/eggs, thus no salmonella, and it was probably very tasty.
However, it was butt-ugly.

I've eaten raw "cake"... it's delicious, very healthy, and fun. However, I think the issue is that the Bride insisted on a traditional presentation for something that is best presented as a single-layer sheet cake!

earlleen said...

Ok I need help in defining “PRO”.
IMHO a Professional cake decorator makes their living (gets paid for) making and decorating cakes.

A Semi-Professional cake decorator makes cakes in their spare (off regular job) time and gets paid for making and decorating the cake. Usually this is a hobbyist who enjoys decorating cakes but needs to charge to pay for all the gadgets and that Kitchen-Aid mixer.

An Amateur cake decorator does it for love of the art.

Were these cakes made by true “Pro’s” or the neighbor lady down the street that charged for her ingredients and time?

They should all get their money back.

Amanda D Allen said...

That last cake was clearly made by a fairy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxLrRwEmDeM&feature=related

Anonymous said...

WTF people paid for those? My sister could have done a better job

Anonymous said...

I always search through the comments to see how many people feel the need to point out the obvious. Yes, we know it was supposed to say "Highway to Love"...
Not trying to be a hater, just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

I think the word in the last line of your haiku should have been "tears" not tiers

Nicki said...

Can't stop giggling at the Haiku.

Barb Black said...

Am I the only one who thinks the acrylic W on the first (wrinkled pillow) cake looks like a grave marker?

RecoveringActor said...

"Congradulations." Cake Wrecks never fails at invoking the deep fear I have that my wedding cake next year will be an utter disaster.

Sarah said...

I should send you a picture of mine sometime, if I didn't burn them all. It was so horrible, but I decided not to let it ruin my day. It arrived with BIG sparkly white bells on it and these delightful gold plastic leaves intermixed with the mountain wildflowers I asked that my cake to be covered in. Oh, and my "bright wild flowers" were all pastels that were just a shade above white. It tasted like 5-day old cake to top it off.

MissT said...

Oh, oh, that first one is so sad! The icing is even cracked! But it's trying so hard to be pretty!

On the yellow ... thing--I assume you mean "actual money to an allegedly professional baker." Because, yikes. I hope the bride got her money back!

myshelss said...

WOW, that is all I can say... WOW. I am by no means a "professional" but I have sold some cakes and I get nervous because I don't call myself a professional... but I have NEVER made anything this bad!!
Oh and the "love to higway cake" I am pretty sure should be read, "highway to love".

KemiMamaLopes said...

Have never posted before but had to as my 6 year old daughter looked at the yellow cake and fell off my lap laughing. She then asked "Is that really a cake?"



WV: No it's not a cake its an "igsqu"

Jennifer said...

When my Aunt got re-married 7 years ago, she stood at her wedding cake, which was supposed to be a simple cream-colored two-tiered tower, hand over her mouth... But, she took the high road. "I'm not sure WHY its that odd shade of pink, but it IS pretty. Especially all those ... FLOWERS!" And it *was* a pretty cake... if the bride was 20 and not 50! LOL

The Hinton Family said...

My daughter asked, "why does that cake have a tongue?" in regards to the ribbon cake!! LOL...

Anonymous said...

Wow.

Here's an idea a saw at a wedding, if your cake looks like that and you don't have enough time to bake a new one--throw the cake away and go buy a chocolate fountain. They look like cakes when they're turned on. Buy a lot of fruit and cookies and rice crispy treats and marshmallows and the guests can dip them.

Anonymous said...

makes me feel grateful that my cake was a homemade carrot cake made by Aunt Janet. Simple cream cheese frosting, no words, just very very tasty cake!

One Crazy Mother said...

Sweet haiku. Every great once in a while, I will make a cake for a friend of a friend as a gift. I had a woman ask me for a silver sheet cake (should have backed out then) that said "Congratulations" with their names under it. Then, no lie, the woman hands me matchbox cars, lace, doves and cheap metal fake wedding rings to adorn it with. I looked at her and said, "I'm not making a cake with this s*it on it. Ever." Apparently, she found someone to do it because I saw the pictures and it was totally wrectktastic!

T said...

as an amateur decorator I have done many cakes... but always refused to do a wedding cake because I was SO fearful that I would mess up too much.

today - I feel like no matter what I do, it can't be THIS bad.

now to go bleach my eyeballs.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I thought the cake at the wedding we went to last weekend was bad....

michcohen1 said...

Green and gold... those were my junior high school colors. And that cake looks like it was made in my junior high school home ec class.

Jenifer said...

Thank you, Veganwitch, for defining "raw" because it was hurting my brain to try and figure out what the decorator meant. I was still picturing the batter in a bowl.

I'm so glad my family has several "amateur" friends, because if I actually PAID someone for that crap, I'd be really upset. Oh, and our "amateurs'" cakes always come out gorgeous and they usually make the cake their wedding present to the bride.

MomCat said...

I think that the fishbowl full of gravel and a stumpy votive candle was a nice finishing touch to the Hot Wheels 'Love to Highway' cake.

Alicia K said...

Posts like this make me more and more convinced that, if/when I get married, I'm going to arrange to pick up the cake the day BEFORE the wedding. That way, in the tragic event that it's a heap of ugly, I'll at least have the chance to run out and get a more presentable - if not custom - wedding cake to display on the big day. Because, I'm sorry, but I would NOT pay the baker for any of these wrecks, much less DISPLAY them at my wedding!

Miriam said...

Long ago, in the days of paste-up or BC (before computers!), I worked in a print shop. A customer came in with the worst layout I had ever seen, practically a demonstration of every possible mistake. I told her we would have trouble with it and she said "It was put together by a professional!" My question was it a professional ditch digger? It certainly wasn't a professional graphic designer!

Wyllow said...

Wow these make me feel pretty dang accomplished for a beginner cake decorater! If these are so called pro's then without being arrogant I must be ahead of the class. lol

Tricia L said...

I suspect many of these wrecks are the result of having weddings in July and August. Neither buttercream nor fondant travels well in 90-plus degrees. (The temeperature at noon today at my reception venue was 98 at the front door.) Also, how long did they sit out at the receptions site.

When cake shopping, it might be a good idea to see if the photos in the portfolio were taken at the bakery or at the reception site. I'll bet that first cake was beautiful when made, then turned into three fluffy pillows on delivery. Beautiful flowers, though, so bravo to the florist for attempting to salvage the baker's disaster.


wv: shingle
Hey, Bob, we're out of cake boards. Grab me a shingle out of the wood pile.

Anonymous said...

A Haiku For You...

Brides in tears each day
not tears of joy, but sorrow
droopy icing mess

WV:Luciess, You're the luciess woman alive!

Anonymous said...

these are all very good reasons to make sure you see your cake at least 2 days before the wedding!

Elissa said...

I am guessing that Love TO Highway was an appalling abbreviation of Love The Open Highway. But that is one crowded Open Highway.

Purplewalls said...

We weren't "Stayin' Alive" until 1977 when "Saturday Night Fever" hit the big screen. The colars were pretty big through the whole decade, though.

the_exile said...

I does not say "Love to Highway" - it says "Love TO Highway". I hope that makes it all clear now.

Anonymous said...

I think the no icing cake was meant to be sort of like this...
http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/photogallery/very-berry-cakes?lpgStart=1&currentslide=2&currentChapter=1#ms-global-breadcrumbs

I think it's supposed to be like one that's in the Martha Stewart Wedding Cakes book (that's just goooorgeous!)
The baker here *juuuust* missed the mark...

Anonymous said...

The "great frosting shortage of '73" had me laughing- Do we know what year that cake was? Because there *was* a sugar shortage at some point in the 70s... I want to say around 1975 or so...

down bedding said...

Those are hilarious. I feel bad for feel funny about all the cakes since they are actually served in people's wedding...but they are look hilarious

Indie said...

As hideous as it is, I can actually see potential in the radioactive yellow cake! The icing matches the yellow flowers, so I think someone with skill, experience and a steady hand (ok, and maybe sunglasses) could have made this work. I love bright colors and do make cakes, professionally and semi-pro, so I would have loved to do this cake with beautiful bright flowers!

Now that first cake...do you see the handprints and fingerprints on it where the fondant got mushed into the buttercream underneath? Maybe this was someone's first time with fondant.

All of those cakes...wrecktastic as always. Jen, your commentary is always the best! I pray I never end up on here! People ask me to do some wierd stuff on their cakes...

Bryna said...

I hope these people had a "Venetian hour" so at least there was some edible desserts for their guests...

Tiffiny Felix said...

I continue to be amazed. You have the best job, Jen! :)

ladyrazorsharp said...

I...

I...

*skrreeeeeCRASH* *tinkle tinkle* X_X

I'm sorry, my brain is broken. Please try your call again later.

Dznyjenn said...

I think my reaction to ANY of these cakes would have been:

"No seriously...where's the cake?"
...
"Honestly guys..that's a really funny joke, but where's the actual cake?"

"Ok. I get that every bride needs a little light-hearted humor injected into her wedding day..but SOMEBODY BRING OUT THE M*-F'ing REAL CAKE NOW!!!"

wv: strab as in: "If someone doesn't produce the real f'in' cake RIGHT NOW, I will strab someone in the face. Seriously. I will cut you."

ElizabethB said...

I just know I'm going to end up with one like these in September. (Woohoo!) And when it happens I will laugh like a banshee and send you a pic. :)

Was the shocking yellow cake *really* not cooked through?! How do they expect to get away with that?!

Anonymous said...

"Sunny day, everything's a-ok . . ." I think that last cake was purchased at Hooper's Store during the episode in which Elmo and Big Bird start a cake decorating business with a little help from special guest Duff.

Jenni B. said...

There are people who prefer cake with little or even no icing. My husband and I both hate the texture of buttercream and fondant, and he doesn't like cream-cheese frosting, either. So for our wedding, we picked whipped-cream icing; it wouldn't have been practical for a June outdoor wedding in Texas, but it was fine on New Year's Day in Indiana.

Anonymous said...

I would've taken it back to the decorator and asked for my money back. It's unbelievable that anyone would ever deliver those things to a wedding reception.

Annette M

Anonymous said...

I think all these people should have just gone with the grocery store bakery. It may not have been the most original cake, but they usually have the trendy styles that everyone usually asks for anyway. Besides, how original is it to ask the bakery to copy a cake from a magazine that millions of brides see?

I ordered my wedding cake from Albertson's and it was beautiful . . . although I requested no flowers and they still put some on. We chose to use fresh flowers that matched the bouquets as a cake topper. The cake was delivered to the reception and I didn't see it until after we walked in. They put pastel flowers on the lower tier that were a soft pink color. The bouquet of flowers we had put on top were blue. It sort of clashed a little. I was irritated at first that the bakery didn't follow my directions (how hard is it to leave off a decoration?). Then I looked at my new husband and glanced around the room of happy friends and family enjoying an otherwise flawless reception. I looked at the cake again and realized it was still rather pretty and well-made. Not a wreck at all. The pictures actually came out really nice too. It also tasted incredibly good.

Joanna said...

I think it must be supposed to be Highway to Love! Isn't it? But Love to Highway is way better. Thanks for the best blog EVER!

Tabitha Corsica said...

Just because you take money for something doesn't mean you're a "professional" and, frankly. I cannot believe people actually turned over hard earned cash for this "stuff". I don't care if Aunt Mabel calls herself a cake decorator or not. I can't call myself a surgeon and get away with it!!!

Magda said...

Now I know I've had yellow buttercream get darker than I wanted when it set, but the result was still not THAT scary. And after it happened once, I knew to take that into account when making it.

Anonymous said...

The red ribbon cake reminds me of a production of "Titus Andronicus" that I once saw at the Ashland Oregon Shakespeare Festival. In that production, red ribbon was used for some very violent scenes - when a character had hands chopped off (for example), red ribbon would flow to represent blood. So this cake makes me think of blood and gore. YUCK!

Anonymous said...

Heads would roll if any of those cakes showed up at my wedding. I feel so bad for those brides!

Craig said...

Wreckerator #1: "Let's see... the forecast for today is 95 degrees and 10% humidity. I have to drive an hour to deliver this thing, and the a/c in my car is out. Furthermore, I'm out of cardboard. This isn't going to turn out well anyway, so top THIS, Mr. & Mrs. W!"

I'm getting a strong 'Adam & Eve' vibe on the second wreck, what with the apple on top and the naked cakes. Apparently, the injunction against frosting didn't extend to the interior of the cake -- at least I hope that's frosting and not something 'healthy' like tofu...

Ok, I get the highway cake. Kind of a 'perspective' thing, with the 'love' tier being smaller and set back. Tricky. Of course the groom solemnly warned everyone that anyone who touched his cars would be a total doo-doo head and wouldn't get no cake if they asked 10 million times.

#5 Perhaps the wreckerator was paid, but likely did not *remain* paid. Raw inside? When it comes to something that may be consumed, I would greatly prefer 'late' to 'unfinished', in order that those partaking would not be 'late' in the absolute sense. Hopefully the frosting color was sufficient warning...

Anonymous said...

We did what an earlier replier suggested: Bought our cake at Walmart. They had a lot of trouble with the direction that there was to be no decoration. No columns. No ruffles. Absolutely nothing but three round layers iced in white buttercream placed on top of eachother. We had to sign off on three waivers and have phone discussions with at least one decorator to convince them we wouldn't return it because it was too plain.

It was perfect though. We put red rose petals down one side and put it on a nice cake tray with red candles and it looked very classy.

I was terrified of getting a cake wreck given how simple we wanted it wherever we went- so we went cheap.

Anonymous said...

If "Raw" means vegan, that is no excuse for that neon mess!

cyn said...

Forget sprinkles...cake #2 has me thinking "I want FROSTING" should be the next shirt slogan!

And I really think I would have cried had the last cake been delivered to my reception.

~* Aria *~ said...

Sandra Lee promoted un-iced cakes as "fashionable".

~Nikki~ said...

if these cakes were presented at my wedding, i would shoot the baker lol

DW said...

Well, I guess that's a divided highway!

Anonymous said...

I REALLY shouldn't have looked at those - I'm getting married next week! Thank goodness I gave the bakery a paint sample so there won't be any confusion about which shade of yellow my cake should be! (Fingers crossed!)

Courtney said...

I'm totally with WolvieGirl... What is a Highwab? Because I don't see a "y"...

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

The yellow one looks as though someone went nuts with Playdoh which makes it that much more yummy looking...

Craig said...

Ah, the Highwab TO Love. (Perhaps the person who took the order gently suggested 'of', only to be told in no uncertain terms that the word in question is 'TO'. I always think of a journey, not a destination, but it's 'TO', so there.)

You know, where two cars drive side-by-side in the same direction on a two-lane road (passing contest, perhaps?), another one drives into a waterfall and a truck drives down the middle of a stream (so much for aquatic life -- hey, watch out for the waterfall!).

Maybe the new word and the curious vehicle placements were the wreckerator's subtle revenge...

wv: mosama. Not going there.

Aviatrix said...

I think I would simply refuse to accept any of these, and go down to the grocery store for a couple of sheet cakes.

Kimberly said...

Raw doesn't mean vegan, it means without baking. You can make stuff out of other non-traditional stuff that doesn't get baked to be a 'cake' - or specifically over 110 degrees, I think.

I'm not entirely sure what you would make a raw cake out of though, but it would probably involve sunflower seeds.

Christine said...

Oh jebus. If only you could post epilogues for these cakes along the lines of "and the bride took the baker to small claims court where she recouped all her money plus damages and the baker was ridden out of town on a rail never to be heard from again."

Then maybe I could sleep tonight.

Miles Johnson said...

Alternate haiku ending:

lumpy icing, tears.

Mary said...

Wow, just wow. I can't believe these decorators get paid for these things.

Katie said...

How awesome would it be if the second cake was for a nudist wedding?

Wolvie Girl said...

@earlleen: by your definitions (which I really like) the lady who made my wedding cake was either a semi-professional or an ameteur, and she also happened to be the mum of one of my bridesmaids. She basically just charged me for ingredients and time, and the result was stunning. She was a true artist, the filigree wedding bells she made out of icing were incredible. She showed me the cake at various stages of completion, to be sure it was what I wanted. Now that's true professionalism.

Mags said...

Oh, that first cake can't be a "wedding" cake... it's a cake for a FUNERAL... because it looks like 3 caskets stacked on top of each other!

LOL!
:) Mags

wildmuff said...

Wait! You mean that last cake didn't even TASTE GOOD?

Blasphemy!

Ai said...

What does "Love to Highway" even mean?

I'd make some assumptions, but I'd be insulting certain demographics so I won't even try.

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Honestly.... I'm not sure why anyone would assume that, in this case, the term "raw" meant "vegan" or that the bride ordered a "raw" cake. Quite obviously, "in the baker's defence" is a tongue-in-cheek reference to the fact that the cake looks like it is melting because it wasn't fully cooked and was, therefor, not holding its shape.

Very straight-forward, if you ask me.

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Cake #2 would have been pretty if it had marzipan or fondant fruit or autumn leaves or something on it (in much smaller scale...).

Jenna said...

OK, I am gonna be a bride soon, and if I were to end up with a cake such as these (I won't, because we ordered a tiramisu instead)...

...I wouldn't cry.

I'd laugh my @ss off!! :)

Then I'd eat the cake.

WV: unsproun

I have no idea what funny pun I can turn that into but it just sounds filthy and wrong, like that neon cake.

calamity jane said...

the second cake there looks like it was supposed to be the applesauce spice cake that my usband and i were supposed to have for our wedding cake. (from a martha stewart weddings, now in her recent CAKES book!) it had no frosting, just powdered sugar, but is supposed to have wooden dowels not plastic! and dipped apples on each layer as a garnish. i had the materials and fresh apples and tried to bring in, but was assured they had the same. ours came similar to this with WHITE plastic to support the layers, AND they used half rotton crab apples... and frosted the whole thing (husband and i are not frosting fans)... so NOT what we paid for... rather sad looking like #2

28 said...

The tall, tiered cake with all of the apples is, I think, a take an a traditional Appalachian Stack Cake. However unfortunate it may look, that really is intentional and probably exactly what they were expecting.

Wikipedia article for Stack Cake: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stack_cake

Anonymous said...

The one with no frosting is actually a really, really bad copy of a cake featured in The Best of Martha Stewart Weddings book. It is a filled cake that should have a powdered sugar dusting. The original (if you have the book it's on page 173) is MUCH nicer.

Haiku Joy said...

Naked cake ashamed.
Fig leaves not enough to hide
the theft of apples.