Friday, July 2, 2010

May the 4th Be With You...

Friday, July 2, 2010

...or at least with this cake:

"Sad of September" sends his regards.


Ask not what your country can do for you... [eyebrow waggle]


Not ok, man. Not ok.


Of course, some bakers don't need words to show their true colors:

Ah, the good ol' red, blue, white, and black.


No, wait. I can't do it. I can't just move on to the next cake. I tried - I really did - but I just can't. I'm afraid this calls for a Jen Rant. Sorry.

Here goes.

[Ahem.]

Seriously, Wreckerator? SERIOUSLY? This is what you're calling an "American flag," to be sold here IN America, and for America's birthday, no less? I mean, really? Red and BLUE stripes? Black stars? REALLY? Have you no shame? No patriotic pride? No...

Uh...wait...

Um. What is that?


Ok. Never mind. This is worse.


Now, what do you say we go out with a bang?

Theeeere it is.


Amber E., Carol S., Sarah C., Christina P., Robert I., Hillary H., & Jennifer, I don't know about you, but my confidence in these wreckerators seems to be flagging.
Donkaloosa said...

I am aghasted at those poor cupcake cake flags! Are we sure that those were truly made in the US? They make those Canada cakes from yesterday look pretty darn good!

Trevor said...

Are you really sure the next to the last one is supposed to be a flag? Really? are you SURE?! Frak. That's just beyond pathetic.

The last one though. WOO! Look it's a giant, um, piece of manhood! Yeah, that's the ticket. and I'll bet it goes off with a bang!

Anonymous said...

Well, we know that those wreckerators are NOT proud to be Americans

NYCGirl said...

I have to admit, I didn't even notice the colors were incorrect, so horrified was I by the bloated "stripes."

Stella said...

I'm sorry, the last one reminded me of the night I lost my, ahem, well, YOU KNOW.
PS. Thank you for the Canada Day salute. It was most entertaining.

Tigerwolf said...

“Scuse me decorator, um, may I have a word? Yes. See here, in this dictionary? Yes, the word ‘bang.’ THIS is the definition we were thinking of for the flotsam word-pick cupcake. NOT the one listed here, under ‘vulgar.’ Okay? Okay. Now please redecorate all of those cupcakes with the word ‘flash’ on them. Thank you.”

^..^

WV: dicla. Oh, I am SO not going there.

DD said...

Definitely proud to be an Amerikan after seeing those.

*eye roll*


WV-dualize
Wonder if I can dualize my citizenship between Canada and Amerika. Their flag cakes are the best.

Anonymous said...

If you can't even get the color scheme correct, then I'd settle for the flotsam Plastic Flag.

Sharon's Edible Art

Half Assed Kitchen said...

Because I always think of phallic geysers when I think of the 4th.

Anonymous said...

In defense of the birthday cake, it's typical in Latin cultures for families to name daughters 'America'. The best example is the actress from "Ugly Betty".

Anonymous said...

Ok, I am, like, aghast. No, not even like, I am truly aghast.

Happy of July?
Stars and STRIPS???
AMERIKA?????

Just wondering what is underneath that slabflag - a chocolate underbelly cake?

I'm not even discussing the 'bang' cuppiecakes. Or the 'other' ones.

~~Di

wv - graci --- we need a lotta graci this weekend, if these are the cakes presented for our celebration.

Misty said...

I was going to say the same about the birthday cake. It may have been someone's name. The rest of these are pathetic though. Not only do the people who made them deserve a slap up the side of the head, but I think a bigger slap should be reserved for the people who actually BUY them! Great posts...love your site.

Little Luxuries said...

Really, who doesn't like to celebrate Independence Day with a exploding patriotic phallus?

Happy 4th!

Stephanie said...

What's sad is that the cupcakes behind the "bang" one are actually well done (the sundae ones look yummy!).
As for the rest, I'm right with you on the ranting. They are an embarrassment. *shudders* Please tell me you've got some extra-good patriotic Sweets lined up for Sunday! :)

Sylph said...

I'm just hoping that "Amerika" is a person and not the country. Maybe her birthday is July 4th. Maybe her parents are REALLY proud citizens, but got tired of decorating all her birthdays in patriotic bunting, and so ordered this fireworks cake instead.
I hope.

sevenmarie said...

I dont' get the "Sad of September" reference?

can anyone explain?

Erin - Thrift Madness said...

Geez, you would think the American flag would be the ONE thing you could actually pull off with a CCC. I mean it's just a square and some sripes put together into a rectangle. I guess i should have never doubted the ability of that to be wrecked.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree...the Happy Birthday Amerika one could have been a birthday cake for a person named Amerika. It's actually not all that uncommon, particularly for a person born around the 4th of July to have a 'patriotic' name (thus the sparkler 'candles').

The others tho...seriously?!?!?

Kelly said...

So, I'm thinking that the "Happy Birthday Amerika" cake could easily have been a birthday cake for somebody named Amerika. I'm at least seriously hoping that it is. Amerika would be a cute alternate spelling to be used as a name, anyway.

Anonymous said...

I think those are cat food stars on the red and blue plank cake.
Just sayin...

mscurious1

Lesley said...

I have a feeling some of these wreckerators have never seen an American flag before. But then again, we've seen what can happen when you bring in a reference photo....

Shauna said...

Maybe the flag cakes were imported from China. I saw the other day that some American flags imported from China were being sold at dollar stores. They had 60-plus stars on them.

Isolder74 said...

You know thos flags look more like a CSA Stars and Bars then they look like flags of the United States Zof America!

http://media-2.web.britannica.com/eb-media/83/4483-004-A28E7C24.gif

Marcy W. said...

I may actually be the first one to comment on this (woohoo - can I get a fist bump?):

Are those SPARKLERS on the "Amerika" birthday cake?!?! If that IS for someone's birthday, it should come with a warning label to duck and cover when they light the, ah, "candles."


WV - jewra: I hope the birthday girl isn't wearing any plastic jewra when she blows out those candles.

Oliver said...

That one cake reminds me of a song, "The Red, The White, The Black, The Blue". By Hope of the States.

Valerie said...

I'm thinking the Amerika person must be from Scandinavia. Thats how we spell it over here at least. Although we do know it is the flag has Red and White stripes with White Stars on a Blue backround. :)

Love you blog!!

Anonymous said...

I actually know an "Amerika" - however, if what I think I see are in fact sparklers in the corners of that cake then I can certainly believe that it's a true 7/4 wreck

Beth said...

And the wreckness continues!!! Happy Birthday America!

Caroline B said...

Sevenmarie - it's 'cos the cake says 'Happy of July' - c'mon, keep up!!

That last one is ribbed for your pleasure........

Fanboy Wife said...

Even small children know what colors go where on a flag.(Okay, there is usually one or two that color in the starts yellow for some reason, but sometimes they get confused because there aren't any white markers.)

kayk said...

@sevenmarie: The post cake said Happy of July... should have been Happy [Fourth] of July. The parallel constructionn was made with "Sad {missing noun] of September."

stella said...

...i have no words for how terrible those "flags" are. omg sooooo ridiculous!

Elizabeth said...

I'll be honest and say that I had to look up a picture of the flag to remind myself what it's supposed to look like...

LaurenH said...

The black stars were indeed bad (It's not like they didn't have the right colors! They're caught red-I-mean-blue handed there) but for some reason I was much more disturbed by the Fat Finger Stripes of the rest of the flag! I felt like it was going to strangle me...or maybe those black stars

For some reason the first one made me laugh more than anything on here in a long time. It's so simply silly :D

Beth said...

What the ()*@%(*& is the "bang" made of? Is that all icing?

And hey, I don't know if you know this, but that Amerika cake is actually supposed to be the dome thingy at Epcot. You know, the one at the entrance? You can tell by the font. ;)

Karasu Hinoeuma said...

Sitting here checking out the comments and the WV is too good to pass up:

situall

My first thought as a Southerner was that is a command to be seated.

However, I can also see it as a prescription medication:

"Situall - for all of life's 'situations'." *ahem*

I think all of these Wreckerators were zoned out on Situall when they made these cakes... especially the last one. XP

Tricia L said...

What do you suppose "Happy of July" said BEFORE they wiped it off?

I might comment that these were made by Canadians, but I was in Candada one year on July 4 and the Chateau Lake Louise made a huge (and lovely) sheet cake for all the Amerikans.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the Amerika cake is supposed to be as offensive as it could be perceived/interpreted. Read Kafka's book, Amerika, the really nasty perception Communist Russia had of the US in the 1950's. But then, the cake wreckorator may not be old or literate enough to have that frame of reference, etc, etc. (snarky implications intended). But if they did, it's quite a slap.

ladyrazorsharp said...

In Amerika, cake wrecks YOU!

Fluffy Cow said...

I was really holding it together until the last one.

Dear god what is that... thing?

Fie upon this quiet life! said...

What on the planet is wrong with these people? Perhaps these cakes were all made my terrorists trying to subvert the greatest American holiday.

MM said...

The Amerika cake may have been a birthday cake for someone by that name, but would they use sparklers as candles then? I think not. These are all examples of why I have decided that my future celebrations, even those for my future children, will involve pizza with candles in it. No words, no frosting, no wrecks :)

A Paperback Writer said...

I rather like the "bang" cupcake. In its own mutilated way, it has a bit of charm.
My favorite, though, is the "stars and strips forever." Oh, yeah. Bring on the Chippendales in red, white, and blue bowties! Mmmmm.....

Word verification: logglace
That sounds like a wreck waiting to happen. Perhaps a yule log on a doily......

mizdarlin said...

Frankly, that last firecracker cake (or is it a sparkler? Most men, I bet, would love to call it a 'sparkler'!) is no more phallic than the rest of the cakes here..glad to see your country's symbols get butchered just as much as mine (Canada)

Marie said...

Every time I see the letter "k" take place of the letter "c," I always think of krab vs crab.

Seriously, these cakes are really pathetic.

mimi said...

That's a pretty big bang. And flesh-toned too.

WV: remed... um...

Isabella said...

Very not PG comment but...umm...yeah. The last one looks like a condom designed by a drag queen put to icing.

Nancy said...

Maybe decorator is a fan of Kafka and was just making an editorial comment? OK, not.

This posting has inspired me to listen to 'America' from West Side Story while I read the comments.

Tamara Marnell said...

"Amerika" is how you spell America in German (haven't y'all heard the Ramstein song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9P7Zd-x2QXw) So maybe the cake was made by a foreigner with an excess of good will towards those of us in the States.

Siouxzr said...

When I read - "chocolate underbelly cake?" I almost shot hot coffee out of my nose.
Thanks, Di.

Yet it does appear to be chocolate cake under the slab flag.

Melissa said...

I LOVE the BANG!

ladyqkat said...

Years ago (think the late 60's - early 70's) our family (read my mother) thought it was fun to use sparklers instead of candles on cakes. And it was. Sort of.

Until . . .

You started to eat the cake and got crunchy bits in the frosting from where the sparkler stuff embedded itself into the frosting.

We did it for a dear friend and burned holes in her Irish lace tablecloth. Fortunately, she laughed.


WV: zygondef - zygondef from the firework bangs!

Anonymous said...

...last one iced by a frustrated male baker?

T said...

Man! at least Canada was able to spell their country's NAME! Today, I am embarrassed to be an Amerikan.

cyn said...

My daughter goes to school with a girl named "Amerika" (same spelling). Maybe that was her birthday cake...? I'm trying to be an optimist here, I really am.

Ghosts in Me said...

Congratulations on the Time's "Best Blogs of 2010"!!

http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1999770_1999761_1999735,00.html

steph said...

Quite a lot of bang for the buk.

msyendor said...

That last 'cake' -- stick a candle in it. It's done.

Lissy said...

personally i'd like to see the original concept behind the patriotic phallus... cause i doubt even these wreckarators came up with that one on their own...

WV--hormimmi
The patriotic phallus could possibly have been for someone without of control hormimmi... just a thought?

Kristers said...

Clearly the last cake is a tribute to the recent blooming of the Corpse Flower in Berkeley, CA [ http://cbs5.com/local/corpse.flower.blooms.2.1784119.html ]

Suzanne said...

That "bang" cupcake?

Overcompensation.

WV:eyses These wrecks hurt my eyses.

Anonymous said...

What makes the last one worse is the fact that the one behind it (the rose and the butterfly) is absolutely gorgeous...how could someone make something so beautiful one moment and something so horrible the next?

B-Jo said...

I would, perhaps like to believe that the Amerika birthday cake is for a beautiful young woman, HOWEVER, if that is the case, why would it be out in the open for a cake wreck-porter to snap its photo and submit to Jen, it should be reserved for whomever ordered it behind the counter, ready to go for the orderee... And I cannot actually believe that the orederee would snap the pic and submit it, if it were actually what they ordered...

As for the comments of the phallic attempt at a firework, well... All I can say is each comment seriously needs the option of a 'like' button just like on facebook, there were far too many that had me nodding in agreement, in between hiccups of giggles

Heather said...

Maybe the bakers were Canadian. If you don't know that Canada Day exists, how are they supposed to know what your flag looks like? ;)

Anonymous said...

You know, I actually had to look up the American flag after seeing that first flag cake. AFTER SEEING THIS CAKE I COULD NOT REMEMBER WHAT THE AMERICAN FLAG LOOKED LIKE.

Renee said...

c'mon people. those aren't black STARS.

those are CAT CRUNCHIES!!

and, really. about that last cake...

before we all make judgments, just remember:

PORN STARS can be PATRIOTIC TOO!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure the "Happy Birthday Amerika" one is for a kid named Amerika...

Melanie said...

The flags were enough to make me sputter but the Bang! cupcake ... OH... MY... GOD. So much frosting. I can't see, gone blind. And diabetic.

Rachael said...

I think the Happy Birthday one was really for a little girl named Amerika. No chance could that REALLY be a fourth of July cake. Right?

VK said...

I read the second one as 'stare and strips' :o)

CCCs - you should really admire the fact that they always, but always, come up with ideas that continue to make you go ptooie....i mean, they do work hard to keep up the standards expected of them!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if the happy birthday one is a true wreck. I had a kid in one of my classes once named Amerika. She was born on July 4th and her mom thought it was cute. No lie.

megan said...

I'm assuming the "Amerika" cake is a legit birthday cake for a girl named Amerika. That aside, these were horrible! haha.

Mad Izatie said...

Holy Cupcakes, those are so sad. LOL!

Arlene said...

How would one go about eating that cupcake with the huge penis shape and the bang on it? Oh my brain went somewhere it shouldn't and now I have to go hunt it down and clean it up from the gutter lol. I would hope that the wreckerator who can't spell America has run out of town.. that's just horrible.

Aoibhgreine said...

The second to last is actually the American flag as interpreted by Van Gogh.

Anonymous said...

I don't think #5 is nearly as bad as #4.

It is at least made of separate CCs, rather than being frosted as a single CCC.

I'm sure there are six-year-olds who might get the stripes wrong, starting with white instead of red. They'd get the stars wrong too, and getting them right would actually be a challenge given the tools used.

The curve is obviously supposed to suggest it's waving in the wind.

The Dream Police Person! said...

Ok, that last one was so wrong on sooo many different levels...

Chaos6267 said...

Um... so I recently got your book. And um... aw what am I saying? It ws hilarious! So yeah. Just saying that you're awesome.

Anonymous said...

Oh God...that last one hurts in ways I can't describe T_T

Anonymous said...

Reading "Stars and Strips" makes me wonder if some techie out there is trying to figure out how to make a piping bag with a spell checker! Ad campaign: Don't let your next project be starred on "Cake Wrecks" - use Typo-Free Piping Bags!

Happy 4th...of July, everyone!

ronelmarin.net said...

happy 4th of july..i want those cake they're pretty much awesome

iamronel said...

looks yummy and yeah happy bday america..:0

Sweet Peach said...

Dang. Stars and Strips Forever. THAT'LL get the party started!!

LibrarianInTraining said...

Dear CakeWrecks,

I've been following the site for a few months now, and I just wanted to thank you. Whenever I have a bad day at work (which is usually pretty freakin' frequently), I come to this site and giggle until I can't breathe. It's probably one of the few things keeping me sane.

Happy 4th, everyone!

Miss Fauve said...

Alien Schlong.

We definitely have a Wreckerator that was abducted recently trying to recover from the experience in the only way they know how, through icing and cupcakes.

WV: kiests
The wreckerator shouldn't kiests and tell.

Carolyn said...

Wow. Well the Canada Day cakes made me a bit embarrassed to be Canadian...but at least a maple leaf is actually difficult to draw! How do you mess up an American flag? For shame!

Chaos6267 said...

What the... THAT's a flag? Wow. Bad skills.

Janus said...

I would like to add one other thing to your rant on the American flag cake:

"A WHITE canton*? It's supposed to be BLUE, damn it!"



*Canton: On the American flag, it's the field on which the stars are placed.

Scarlett Robyn said...

OMG! When I saw the second cake I thought it said:
STARE AND STRIP FEVER

....inappropriate?! :)

Morgan said...

#4 was so bad it made me forget what an American flag looked like.

Seriously.

Craig said...

Some of these things are a waste of ingredients.

As for the last one... [blink] What sort of bakery is that, anyway? The Fireman Cake looks downright innocent next to this!

Were the blue squiggles added as an afterthought? If so, they didn't help matters much. Who thought a bakery would be a place where parents would have to answer awkward questions?!

Kelli said...

this is a horrible post. haha, good on your part, bad on the cake decorators parts. HORRIBLE.

Jill said...

LOL these were terrible! Happy 4th of July everyone (and 4 year anniversary to us!)

Natalie said...

Hee hee ha ha hoo hoo ha ha hoo HOO HA HA HA HA OH my! Thanks for the good laugh today.

B Spidey said...

These cake are some of the best, uh, worst ever. I could not believe the cake with black stripes. Looks like a 2-year-old made it.

the dark ferret said...

Those "stars" look suspiciously like animal kibble...

Sharon said...

Whenever I go to my local grocery store, I always cruise through the bakery looking for wrecks. I found one...small cake with a flag. Blue background, white stars *check*, but then red, white, and blue stripe! It was all I could do to keep from grabbing it and showing it to the baker to ask which country's flag was flying on it. I was wearing a flag on my T-shirt at the time.

Sharon's Edible Art

~Nikki~ said...

Geez... nice try but America weeps at these sad tributes lol



check out my blog: nikkiscakery.blogspot.com

Dan said...

That CCC isn't an American flag. It's Van Gogh's famous painting "Flaggy Night."

Aliza said...

The US flag is one of the most recognizable flags in the world. How could they get it SOOOOOOO wrong?!? I'm a Canadian, so no patriotic bias here :)

LOVE the phallic "boom" cupcake!!! And the, um, "mounds" with stripper-cherries behind it are "icing" on that cake! The comment about how do you eat it nearly killed me :)

I was sold on "Amerika" being a birthday cake until B-Jo's argument-- that's a good point, if it were an ordered cake, it wouldn't have been sent in. Which has me rather worried: isn't spelling America with a K something racist groups do???

Shannon said...

My 4 year old was looking at the site with me and declared he likes those pillows on the red, blue and black cake. I had to laugh

Anonymous said...

The cake with the National Anthem on it was great until I got to the end and say a question mark...Does that mean we aren't the home of the brave anymore? It went from a great cake to a WRECK on that particular error.

Jennifer said...

It's "perilous fight" not "flight", but it's still an awesome cake! And yes, the last line of the song is grammatically a question, thus a question mark punctuates the end.

Natasha said...

The only thing I have to say is that I knew a girl in high school and her name was Amerika.
I live in the south... ; )

Anonymous said...

that last one looks a little risque, especially with the twin mounds in the background. the first one looks like something was written by mistake, wiped off, then inscribed. notice the red streaks. the second one, the stripper, may go with the last one.

Amerika? do the Russians own us now? and the flags are inexplicable. the second one has no red (but at least two shades of pink) and two shades of blue. seriously? they even used different icing tips. i think they used the "star" tip for the blue. and then put polka dots where stars go. with a non-star tip. go figure.

Anonymous said...

Why does the stars and strips cake have the Dutch flag on it?

Elizabeth said...

I actually know a little girl named Amerika. I went to school with her mother...

Haiku Joy said...

Kitty July Crunch:
My cheer-up food when I am
Sad of September.