Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Cryptic Cross Words

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The art of cake insults was first discovered on May 4th, 1957 when a frat boy convinced his mother to write "You really are a FAT cat" on his buddy's birthday cake.

Today, many still attempt this sweet yet snarky tradition - but as these cakes show, few master it.


Ah, the classic "conflicting messages" mistake. Look, you can't tell someone you'll miss her and end with "Up Yours" - it makes no sense! The insult is lost in a sea of well-wishes! Odds are she's going to look at you with big Bambi eyes and ask, "Up my what?"

No, you've really got to commit to the insult. Give it your all!

Oh, come on, this is just embarrassing. "You are not the best" with a "ha-ha" chaser? Oh, gee. BURN.

Look, we're going for amusing yet zingy. Try again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Er, look, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but this might be going a bit too far. We're aiming for good-natured mockery, not a restraining order. Rein it in a little, eh?


Ok, rule #1 in cake insults: misspellings completely destroy your credibility as critic. (Also applies to pretty much the entire Internet. Stay in school, trolls!)


Although, if you're lucky, sometimes a misspelling will result in an even better insult:

See, now instead of calling him a "geezer" you're insinuating he's incontinent. Score!!


Yep, I'd say the best cake insults are almost always the unintentional ones. (Plausible deniability, baby! Yeah!) So check back on Monday for some of the best whoopsies to ever land a guy on the couch.

Janna, Spencer B., Wendy B., Corie, & Michelle J., I would never insult you guys. Unless I got a cake out of it. Which isn't likely. So, yeah, I would (probably) never insult you guys.
Taylor_MOB said...

If you read the last one as "Old Gay Sir" then it's still a pretty good insult.

Ruth said...

JEN! I read the interview METRO had with you in the paper this morning, featuring wedding cakes and the infamous Inspiration vs. Perspiration cake!
Classy and witty, as usual.
Congratulations!

Gary said...

Hey, I've been called much worse than an "Old Geyser."*
At least it wasn't on a cake shaped like human buttocks, with a bunch of mysterious sticks protruding from the anus.


*Here's an example of the perils of using Spell-Check. Geyser is a word, just not the right word.

Babsiegirl said...

The "up yours" cake is super-awesome...Please tell us there's a story behind it.

Goueznou said...

If they wanted that fourth one to represent a New Zealand accent, they should've spelled it "Good Ruddence".

Martin said...

In defense of the person who decorated the "geyser" cake, I believe that in some places, "geezer" and "geyser" are both pronounced "geezer."

Anonymous said...

That last one makes me think my dad missed his calling. He takes misspeaking to the level of an art form. If he could only decorate cake, you'd have lots of fodder from my father! He just likes to eat the cake.

some samples: (ahem)
talking about how there's a substance (tryptophan) in turkey that makes you sleepy after eating, he griped about the effects of the "aphrodisiac" in the bird.

complaining about relatives at a wedding who were humbled by something, "They ate EGG last night!" (um, Dad? they did serve Deviled eggs. do you mean they ate crow? or had egg on their face? At least he didn't say they had crow on their face!)

complaining about a lane of wasted highway (HOV) when he has to drive solo, he griped about the HIV lane.

One time in a fight with me, he tried to pull rank, and shouted "I'm the figurehead of this family!" (truer words were never spoken. Mom has always been the boss.)

Disgusted at a girl in a see through white bathing suit, he griped, "You could see her public hair!"

and on and on. love ya, Dad!

Stephanie said...

I'm suddenly reminded of a line from Monsters, Inc. "If you're gonna insult me, do it properly." :P

Erin - Thrift Madness said...

"We hope you fail, you're dead to us now" has got to be the best cake inscription ever!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I bet the "We hope you fail, you're dead to us now" is a Festivus cake!

Melissa said...

Love these. My family is all about the insult. A little NSFW in the language department....
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31606454@N04/4360423173/in/set-72157623061252957/

That';s the cake we got my mom for her birthday. And not by a wreckerator, we actually had to bribe her to write it!

jo said...

The first one must have been ordered by some juvenile males.... That's how they insult each other, and yet, how they show affection.

That last one is hysterical!

underthesea34 said...

I would not mind seeing more insult cakes. These were hilarious!

Anonymous said...

@Melissa: OMG! THAT is the cake I would so love to get my coworker. She's in her 50's but is very childish and complains if people don't pamper on her birthday. She griped for a week when her husband didn't get her a separate cake for her birthday even though he took her out to dinner.

wv: ackohoil: what you must have given the cake decorator to get her to write the F word.

Kaaren said...

I'm just impressed they got the "You're" correct on the third cake.

Esty said...

I can't help but think there is a secret message written in the red icing on the "you're dead to us now" cake. If only I could decode it - maybe it's a mitigation of the otherwise harsh message.

wv: evide. To provide evidence (as in these cakes are clear evidence that there is still much work to be done in the area of insult cakes).

Gina said...

"stay in school, trolls"

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Reading Rachel said...

I actually know quite a few people who deserve a "You're dead to me" cake. In that instance, the cake you posted is perfect. Why make a beautiful cake for an enemy when a wreck will get your point across even better!

Trevor said...

I love the "You're dead to us now" part! Awesome!

However, I had a totally different image in my mind for the old geyser. I wasn't thinking incontence at all. Nope. I had something far more adult in nature in mind.... and I'll leave THAT to your imaginations.

andygirl said...

I kind of like the third cake. I may do that for my best friend's birthday. she'll get a kick out of it.

Anonymous said...

LOL, "you're dead to us now".

I'd give anything to see the recipient's face when he/she received that!

Also, "good ridince" made me choke on my coffee. Thanks for that. ;)

lisadh said...

Those are just awesome!! LOL!

Beth said...

Maybe the "Old Geyser" is a positive reference to virility?

April said...

I honestly laughed out loud at these (and also at the anon comment about the person's dad's tendency to misspeak - hilarious!)

Thanks for bringing some humor into my otherwise-boring day of cleaning!

Anonymous said...

I really want to know the story about the "up yours" cake.

Anonymous said...

The flag on that cake is wrong. If it's meant to be an Australian flag, its missing 2 stars, and if it's meant to be a NZ flag, the stars should be red...

jj said...

Ahaha! @ Melissa-- So did you guys sing "Happy Birthday Eff You"?

Love in the Dumps said...

the Good Rid ance one - were they sending him to New Zealand??

sendingtheclowns said...

@ Anonymous 9:52-
OMG!! What a riot!
Aren't those called "Yogi-isms" (after Yogi Berra)or something?
My Dad like to say things like that on purpose!
And honestly, that woman WAS showing "public" hair, if the public noticed it!
Those were hilarious!

Sue KuKu said...

At least *yours* in "Up Yours" and *you're* in "You're Dead to us now" are spelled correctly.

And I, too, thought virility at the geyser cake . . .

Scarlett Robyn said...

ha ha!!!!!!!!!!1

Stoich91 said...

Wow. Talk about sweetening the blow. You know the best part? Scrape the frosting off, and you've still got a cake.Wrecks that might actually finally be worth the money you or your arch enemy pays for them!

sendingtheclowns said...

The second thing I thought of with the "dead to us now" cake was Michael Corleone telling Kay, "You're dead to me now."
The FIRST thing I thought of was, "Who would EAT that (possibly poisoned) cake?"

Mary Jane said...

The first cake really looks like it's written in mustard to me... hmm... [getting ideas]

Bree said...

The last cake inspires me for when my mom turns 60.

b

Heather said...

When our college president we couldn't stand was forced to quit we went out and got "ding dong the witch is dead" put on a cookie cake. She didn't see it, but it sure was fun!

Brooke said...

Jen, this has nothing to do with insults, but at a party there was a cake that said, (as an inside joke) "Sorry About Your Birthday". Sorry I couldn't snap a photo of it.

Lulzy said...

(ha - ha)

Isabella "The Cupcake Chef" said...

These are classic. Who knew you could be insulted on a cake? Not me. Let's be thankful cupcakes are small and you can't fit an insult on them... I hope.

Lilly said...

the last one brings back memories. Memories of someone asking the definition of a geyser and my friend saying, "Geyser, like the old man."

MamaChristy said...

"We hope you fail, you're dead to us now" might be my very favorite EVER. I'd be thrilled to get this cake if I were leaving a job!

iluvstuf said...

LOL whatever flag that's supposed to be, whether they aimed for NZ or Australia, either way they still got it wrong!

HorribleLicensePlates said...

Old geyser!? LOL! They make pills for that you know...

Elaine said...

Actually "up yours" can also mean to make a toast, as in, to raise your glass up. It's another way of saying "here's to you".

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I went to Yellowstone last summer and we decided to sit and wait for a really big geyser to go off called the Great Geyser. Next to us were two kids also waiting with their parents. One of them looked at the sign that labels the geyser and blurted out "it's the Great Geezer!"

That cake made me think of those kids.

They kept us entertained with other antics, as they were extremely bored (such as playing rock paper scissors, but one kid decided to call Mr. T instead of the three traditional choices. So, the other kid countered Mr. T with Jesus, who apparently beats everything)

slaveofplastic said...

...Are you saying trolls are uneducated? I just never have anything to say...I can't imagine you even care if someone else says "I love your blog!"

sendingtheclowns said...

@Anonymous 8:21-

I LOVE that story!
("ROCK!" "MR. T!" "JESUS!")

*SIGH*...KIDS!! Y'know??




=^~.~^=

Bonnie said...

My husband is the king of making insulting cakes. Every year he ices cakes for his friends that are generally foul-minded and so horribly mean they make even me want to cry! He also likes to couple this with a horribly inappropriate card.

One year he made me my cake that was uh...quite descriptive and then gave me a 6 year old boy's Batman birthday card with the happy birthday message scratched out and he accused me of carrying Batman's child.

I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, AND YES, I ACTUALLY MARRIED HIM AFTER THAT.

He just thinks it's hysterical. I told him that this year I want a pretty cake. We'll see what I get.

Allyson said...

The "Good Ridince" cake also has an incorrect flag. It could be representing either the New Zealand or Australian flag, but it's hard to tell because it is incorrect either way.

Wolvie Girl said...

I'm trying to work out if "Good Ridince" is a New Zealand flag or the Australian flag. If it's meant to be the Kiwi flag, the stars should be red, and if it's meant to be the Aussie flag, the stars that are there need to have seven points each, and there are two other stars missing.

Either way, that kind of doubles the wreckage.

@Goueznou: maybe if the Liberals or LNP or whaddevayacallem win the next Aussie election, they should make a "Good Ruddance" cake :D

Anonymous said...

Slaveofplastic,

My definition of a Troll is someone who spends most of their time on the web criticizing, swearing and misspelling every comment they submit. For reference, see nearly every comment on Youtube. Now, if you assume that most Trolls are high school/college age, then they are, most likely, "educated." (note the excellent use of quotes.)

Arlene said...

Wow on that you are dead to us now cake.. just wow. I don't care how mad you are at someone you don't give them a cake like that period. That first cake had me in stitches as it seems to not know what it wishes to express.

Victoria said...

I swear the "You're dead to us now" cake is a DQ icecream cake! I know those cake bottoms anywhere! I'm a DQ cake decorator hehe! We definitely get some wild requests. I really need to start submitting some of those :)

Anonymous said...

The BIGGEST insult there is that pathetic attempt at an Australian Flag! Pffft!

Tomtomsmum

Carlie said...

That skateboarding one was just like my brother's birthday cake this year. Except instead of riding up a ramp, it looked like the kid was skating into a river on his little "jelly legs".

Fanboy Wife said...

One year, when my husband was really into NOFX, I made him a cake that bore the message, "Happy Birthday, You're Not Special!"

There was also the time that I made my mother a cake with the Batman logo on it and wrote, “Happy Birthday, You Old Bat!”

Anonymous said...

'GOOD RIDINCE' as the class wave their useless English teacher goodbye?

MissNay said...

Ummm, Bonnie? I have this battle buddy that went out and bought an exact replica of the Batman Dark Knight costume and went around town in it alll the time.He went bowling, roller skating, he even went to a hardware store and bought some rope, black praypaint and wheelbarrel. Anyway, I'm thinking your husband may very well be related to him.

And the rock paper scissors story is super cute! Love it!

Jen, do remember Trollz? With the big hair and little gems on their bellies? Those were the days.....except for they were awful days.....

Morandir said...

Not only is the "Good Ridince" cake misspelled, but that travesty of an Australian flag is missing a few stars. I would reiterate the "stay in school" message.

Lucy said...

Hello! Your blog is fantastic! I only found it a couple of days ago, but I really look forward to seeing the newest post every afternoon (I'm from Scotland :D), especially Sunday Sweets!

With regards to cake number 2 - it is at least grammatically correct...

Thanks for the hilarious posts!