Wednesday, February 10, 2010

From the Bottom of My...Bottom

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Why give your heart to that special someone this Valentine's Day, when you can give him/her something even more special:

your colon.

You know, this is so moving, I think I feel a song coming on. That, or a bad case of stomach flu. [head tilt] No, no...I'm pretty sure it's a song. (Whew!) Ok, then - c'mon, everyone, sing it with me!

Laast V-day, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, you gave it away.
Thiiiis year, to save me from tears,
I'm gonna give you my co-lon (colon!)



Psst. Soon everyone will want the coffee cake colon, Charissa B. - pass it on!


- Related Wreckage: Valentine's "Winners"
Anonymous said...

What exactly IS that? Is it a king's cake or something?

Amanda M. said...

Ew. I work in a GI clinic and see colons all day - and this grosses me out!

TAYLOR said...

I kept waiting for a joke about "My Bloody Valentine." But I guess that doesn't really go well with the colon theme.

I think it kinda looks like bloody monkey bread. If you don't know what monkey bread is, Google it. (Don't worry, it's safe to search for.)

Miranda said...

SCREEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM

*hides under desk in terror*

Gary said...

Raw meat valentines! Sure to be the Next Big Thing!

For some reason this reminds me of my student who wrote that "Colon Powell" was a good role model for young Americans.

Alphabet said...

Oh. My. God. I have been lurking on your site for years but have never commented. However, this is too awful to let pass. I can't believe this exists!

Kashmir said...

So nothing says I love you like an edible hemorrhoid?

Anonymous said...

Oh my.

Is that a "cake" made of meat?

Or is that an actual organ, harvested from a cadaver and served up on a golden cardboard platter?

Either way, it's repulsive.

Can't imagine anyone paid money for that --- any more than I can imagine why anybody made it!

Sharon said...

What is that? Monkey bread? A grossly iced giant cinnamon twist?

Lady Anne said...

Oh, blurp! That's disgusting. I can't decide if the decorator knew absolutely nothing about anatomy - or way too much!

What WERE they thinking? (Were they thinking?)

Anonymous said...

I just literally laughed out loud. I have never seen anything so disgusting! I love you guys, keep it up, I check in daily!!

VeggieT said...

"I left my bowels in San Francisco!" (not original)

Natalie said...

Even the song is better than that *thing*

Anonymous said...

That's just offal!

Ba Dum Tsh!

Swan said...

::blinks:: What is that? It looks like someone tried to make kissing lobsters or worms out of deli meat. I think the woman holding it ought to be wearing lab gloves, lest she catch something.

Thanks for sharing, I.. think. ;)

Have a great day!

The Boob Nazi said...

That is disgusting.

mn_me said...

OMG

reach for the eye bleach please...

and then help me try to get this visual from my brain

Kelly said...

Nothing says, "I admire your intestinal fortitude" like an impacted ascending, transverse, and descending colon. More fiber, stat!


WV: pewingn After seeing this, I feel like (s)pewingn

The Shitty Astrologer said...

That's a hunka hunka burning inflamed colon...

Kara Lynn said...

Is this cake really that bad?? This is what I got my fiance for Valentine's Day!! What should I do?? :)

SiriusSchwartz said...

Ugh. Was this displayed in the meat dept. or the bakery? Looks like raw meat or chicken innards!!

Michelle said...

It looks like a cancerous large intestine. Even my 10-year old son, who is into grossness, thought it was icky.

JelliDonut said...

WTF?!?!? I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!

Andi said...

Looks like a King cake that tried to take advantage of V-Day.

MK said...

The cake is something else but my favorite part is that you've done your own version of Wham's "Last Christmas" Hooray for George Michael's neon short shorts.

Anonymous said...

Crap, that's funny!

karina said...

I'm not seeing colon here. I see Labia. That cake would really turn my hubby on.

Terry Lee said...

and it has the gall to say "i love you". ack!!

thanks, but no thanks. just give me a box o' chocolates and let's call it a day.

Melinda said...

Boy, she must feel special after getting that cake. I can't believe someone PAID for that!

Leslie said...

Colon my..er...butt. I see a sphincter. :-P

Tiffany said...

Oh the Puns!!!!

Thanks Jen, Now I will have that song stuck in my head all day - and the picture to go with it!!!

::shudder::

Valerie said...

I just feel sick.

madrobins said...

Gah. There's really no other word. Just...Gah.

Kimberly Chapman said...

Egads, that's awful. The cake, not the song. Okay the song too but that's awful in a good way.

The cake looks like a wreath and a heart got together and proved that their offspring was not viable.


PS More begging for you to come to the Austin cake show. We need you! We want you! We love you!

Lauren said...

Oh gawd. This is unpleasant enough...but it was NOT what I wanted to see in the waiting room while my fiancé gets a colonoscopy. Eeewwwwwww.

Amanda Mac said...

That one literally stopped me dead in my tracks... like a really bad impaction.

EWWWWW!!!!

Gary said...

Kara Lynn:
Just tell him you love him with all your ... you know.

greyfuzzy said...

Is it my imagination/monitor, or is it oozing something brown and shiny from the center just below the 'L'? I distinctly see a caramel-looking blob. Something tells me that caramel filling would be a bad choice for this particular cake...

thetoddlerwhisperer said...

*gag*

Jenn said...

I have nothing to say about that um, cake. Really nothing. I don't want to think about it ever again.

And, Jen, thanks for the earworm. I am gonna sing that song for days.

douberlyfamily said...

I like to check the bakery sometimes just for wrecks, hoping that someday I may, too, be a true wreckporter. I know what the woman holding the cake was thinking..."I'm gonna make it on cake wrecks! I'm gonna make it on Cake Wrecks!I'm gonna make it on Cake Wrecks!"

wv: furenti. If they keep making desserts like this one, a sign that says furenti will be hanging in their front window.

Rebekah said...

Gag me with a ... fiber-optic camera on a flexible tube! Barf!

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

eyyyyeeeeewwwww!! Looks like someone coughed up a lung or something!!

Anonymous said...

My husband thought this post was so unfunny because he could not be convinced that the object in the picture is not a plate of raw meat. "What's funny about a plate of meat?" This, of course, causes me to find the Colon Cake twice as hilarious.

Lizziebeth said...

Today's my birthday. I was trying to figure out what sort of cake/treat to make myself. Now I don't even want to eat, much less make a cake.

Anonymous said...

Did someone PAY for that???!!!!!!!!

Jen Burns said...

Nothing like walking through your grocery store's bakery & WHAM! you see this caketastrophe. I'm pretty sure this cake is not "Everything She Wants" for Valentine's Day.
It makes you wonder "Where Did Your Heart Go?" because it is not represented here.
I think this baker needs to be sent to "A Different Corner" to think about damage done with this cake.
Thanks Jen - while George may not like the new lyrics I bet Andrew does!

Elizabeth said...

Honey, for Valentine's Day, because I love you so much, I went ahead and scheduled your colonoscopy for you. You can thank me later.

agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

Abby Normal said...

Wow, that’s sphincterrific!

Lauren Borquez said...

Soooooo NASTY!

Misty pig said...

Jen, can you find out the real story behind this?
Was it for a doctor or someome wo beat cancer/
Im SURE these's a good explanation

Anonymous said...

Just had to sing the song out loud. LOVE it!

Thanks for the laugh, Jen!

TJ Bennett said...

"I love you so much, I ripped out my colon and served it up on a platter for you, honey. Top that."

Yuck.

TJB

Jill said...

I've never been so "moved"! How could anyone pass this up? It's the perfect cake for when you need to drop the kids off at the pool party.

Zhoen said...

That took guts.

Wrecker knew a bit about anatomy, but got it wrong. Not even just upside down or backwards, just... wrong.

StefRobrts said...

Ohhhh, the red goop pouring over the edges (or is it trying to escape) really does it for me. That's the most offensive thing I've ever seen come out of a place that sells food.

Adalee said...

Oh, Jen- I love your song! That tune tortures me each Christmas & I'm glad to see it being put to better use. That's too "special!"

crownring said...

At first glance I thought it was a lobster cake.

John and Sarah Sperry said...

With the creepy "I love you" scrawled over to one side, I'd say this is a pretty big contender for a stalker cake.

Anonymous said...

That has to be the grossest cake I have ever seen! What was the baker thinking?
W: pridness
The baker obviously has no pridness in his work.

Anonymous said...

Okay, ew.

Not to mention - I curse you. I have had that stupid song in my head since reading this post over an hour ago. AARGHHHHHH!

Diana

shaunjoy said...

The cake's nasty, yes. But it was worth seeing just for the song. I totally cracked up! (And now I'll be singing it for the rest of the day.)

Michelle said...

Wow, this cake is much pretty disturbing.

une-insomniaque said...

I...I really should have known better than to eat while coming here. xD That is absolutely repulsive. It makes me question the sanity of humanity sometimes. Good god. D:

Anonymous said...

Somewhere in the world, George Michael is so sorry he didn't think of that one first, I'm sure. :D

Anonymous said...

nice wham! reference. that cake is almost shocking. eww.
-helen

Anonymous said...

The best explanation I can come up with is cartoon-style, overly lipsticked lips... maybe?

Stella said...

I go with the lobster mutant colon valentine's day innard cake/roll. I wonder if the filling is similar to red velvet cake?

carolyn said...

¨Mama, it´s meat with mushies!?¨ Gideon, 2yrs

Melissa (& Billy) said...

*runs screaming*

Athena said...

The label says:
Large Coffee Cake with Icing

10.00

How could they go and ruin something so good?

Womstr- Must be the monster the wrecktator had in mind when making this cake.

Melissa M said...

Yeah, I didn't see that as a colon. I saw hoo-ha of the female variety. Although I gotta say, it would be pretty cool to have a hoo-ha that says "I love you" in a very threatening manner.

Lauren S. said...

HeeHeeHee!!! A 'Wham!' Reference! Love it!! The cakes...not so much.

Stoich91 said...

Yeah. Totally what I dig for V-Day. "Here, honey. I, um, bought you an oversized, uh, body organ..." Wife: *screech!* "...to *eat*." Wife: *thudunk* (hits the floor). Too Row-a-mantic for words. Thanks CW! :)

Anonymous said...

y'know...I think this "cake" really IS meat!

Perhaps smoked salmon, even.

And the scary looking I LOVE YOU?

I think it's written in mayonnaise.


WV: jarly -- this thing is way jarly.

Anonymous said...

I see two red sea horses rubbing noses, but I'm just happy it's not the usual demons screaming at me to do bad things.

Emerson

Heather D. said...

Another good reason to make your own cakes.
At least I don't want any carbs now!

morriganscrow said...

I think I've worked out what this "cake" is for! It's for the really shy Valentine....

"Ummm...Mary-Sue? Err...I've been trying to get up the guts to tell you I love you. Isn't it great? I grew it myself!"

Grapefruit said...

Omg, that looks really hideous.
But ROTFLMAO over the song. ;-)

Lorraine said...

Ugh. Just .... ugh.

Anonymous said...

Ewww....icky, seriously awful.

Elisabeth Marie said...

You realize that the combination of the title of your post and the "Why give your heart to that special someone this Valentine's Day, when you can give him/her something even more special" sounds like an "innapropriate" joke, right...?

Suzanne Dargie said...

If I worked at a bakery and saw something like that in the display cooler....I would DEMAND that the person responsible be FIRED! That's just disgusting.

Anonymous said...

I thought it looked like a uterus or afterbirth. The gift that keeps on giving!

Alaina said...

Disgusting, yes, but it made me laugh. All I could think of was Mark Lowry's bit about the Old Testament seat of the emotions being the bowels, not the heart. "Oh, baby. OOOOh, baby. You MOVE me."

Ann said...

HOLY CRAP!!!! (So to speak...).

krazykris said...

That is so freakin disturbing it makes my colon spasm, which in turn causes me to have the runs...oooohhhhh yuck.
It's as if Hannibal Lecter sent you a Special Valentine's gift and forgot the chianti, ugh!!!!

Cheryl said...

Wow....love the Wham reference...lol

Robert said...

Yeah....I work at one of the chain stores that make these king cakes, and yes there is a awful heart shaped king cake that is just gross looking after you put on the icing and red and pink sprinkles.... should have seen the football one's that were made! YIKES!

Anonymous said...

So, this is why I wait to read your blog after lunch!

Ewwwwwwww!

Scully

andygirl said...

What in hades was that supposed to be? A heart? Lips? Something I won't even say with children present?

cryandwriteasong said...

Today is my twenty fifth birthday, and since I didn't get a cake, I decided that whatever you'd posted today would be my unofficial birthday cake.

Oh, what a lucky girl I am. : P

WV: "proli" - That's proli the worst birthday cake I've ever had.

The Weaver Olsons said...

"Excuse me while I go gouge out my mind's eye."

Bree said...

So, when Whitney Houston sings "where do broken hearts go", we can respond "at the bakery." d

Rebecca said...

Not only is it ugly, it appears to be solid frosting.....
Just another reason to say "no thanks"!

Hey, I have an idea!

Any wrecktator that finds a wreck should camp out and wait to take a picture of the person that buys it.

They could even interview the person..."I'm here with George who just picked up this valentines cake, and George, tell us....what made you choose THIS one?"

Hehe...

Lindalou said...

That may just be the most disgusting cake thingy EVER!!

Alexis said...

But... it has sprinkles! Or red sugar, anyway. (check it out at larger size). Who doesn't want a colon with SPRINKLES!!!

WV: martab - My... urp... martab's gettin' awful high i think i'll go wreckerate a cake now...

Marji said...

And I thought YESTERDAY was confusing.

sarah22277 said...

It looked like sludge coated croissants to me, you know, besides scary meat or a va jay jay.

Sarah

WV- Endha: You don't want to see this come out the other endha.

Anonymous said...

LOVE THE SONG! =D

Amy C. said...

I thought it said "I Love You, A**h***"

Can't See Sheep said...

So this is what all the kids are saying these days, I love you will all my intestines???

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think it'll stick



WV goatio: Goatio's the breakfast of nannies!!!

Meg said...

That...is...just...just not right.

Anonymous said...

If this is a colon cake, I don't want to know about the filling!

Anonymous said...

XD This is so giving me flashbacks of my time working at a morgue.

Chef, Interrupted said...

Nice. Very, very nice.

... and I meeeeean it from the heaaart of my boooootttom!

Cakelover said...

So. Wrong. This is proof that there should be a license to decorate cakes, of course then this wonderfully entertaining, and sometimes disturbing blog wouldn't exist.

whoami said...

I thought it was lobsters mating. That would be more in keeping with the holiday, anyway.

vmdesign said...

Any chance it's supposed to be lobsters? You know, the whole "lobsters are monogamous creatures" thing...?

Wolvie Girl said...

Happy birthday, cryandwriteasong. I'm sorry you didn't get a real cake, enjoy your virtual king colon monkeybreadcake.

Word verification: falkt - a small, extremely ugly cake served during Falker Satherhood.

cupcakes.gr said...

That is truly vile.

Anonymous said...

What I cant work out is exactly how many Valentines is the purchaser meant to be feeding? That cake is massive. Surely a Valentine's cake shouldnt be bigger than a 2 person cake.

Lesley

Erica said...

Okay. Colon cake = gross. If roses are to inspire thoughts of love, what does a colon say?

wv:ranto
"There was a geek
who liked to blog
'bout cakes wrecks and rant-o..."

Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the colon cake...

(and I mean geek only with all the love in my heart, of course, Jen!!)

Pierro said...

actually, the colon is very white and a little bit veiny looking (mom is a nurse, and did surg for a few years too) but this does look like a colon.
I wonder if it has chocolate filling


=|

Marianne said...

W T F ! that looks like a slab of meat! ewww.

Anonymous said...

What kills me is it says "I love YOU" - like it's intended for just one person to eat. Pull up a fork, sweetie, and dive right in!!

Miranda said...

People, keep posting your kids' reactions! They have the best comments of all! XD

vw: punkybo

My boyfriend is a punkybo. (Well, actually, he's a gothbo, but...close enough.) lol

Anonymous said...

nothing like a big bloody sphincter to say I love you....

Ellen said...

That could be the butt hole and not the colon.

Girl Genius said...

Nothing says love like bloody poop. :(

Anonymous said...

There is an episode of Friends where Phoebe discusses how lobsters mate for life. When Ross and Rachel get back together in that same episode, she squeals, "See?! She's his lobster!"

I may be crazy but this cake has a lobster-like look to it?

Chris said...

I can't stop laughing.

Dawn said...

I am from New Orleans and king cakes DO NOT EVER look like this cake. I am getting nauseous just looking at that awful cake, so gross! Just when I think you can't possibly find something worse, you do. I shudder to think what you could find that could be worse than this...

DawnC

Anonymous said...

I think you need to spell out what exactly is meant by the term "V-Day." I wouldn't question it if I hadn't seen that picture. :P


P.S. Please check the calendar in the late summer, and don't post a similar-looking cake if it happens to be "V-J Day," either, or I'll die laughing and/or of fright.

Lady Meerkat said...

This one is for - sing with me people -
All the single ladies
All the single ladies! etc.
If wanted it you shoulda put a bit o' colon on it.
Ew ew ew
Ew ew eeeww...

Anonymous said...

FYI - calon is Welsh for heart, so found this amusing on many levels!

Anonymous said...

Can't ... breathe ... Laughing ... too ... hard ...

*gasp* *sob* *snortle*

Too funny!

Elizabeth - Sydney, Australia

Oasis said...

As if the picture wasn't priceless enough, your George Michael adaptation really . . . took the cake! *uncontrollable laughter*