Come Meet Jen, Who Often Refers To Herself in the Third Person

I've been hinting around about this on both Facebook and Twitter, and now I'm pleased to say I can finally share with you the details of the coming U.S. Cake Wrecks Book Tour!!

Exactly, Jae K.

Uh, you DID know there's a book, right? Because you've already pre-ordered your copy like a good Wrecky henchperson, right?

Well, even if you haven't purchased a copy I hope you'll come say hello (and then purchase a copy). It's not that I'd mind eating all the cake myself (did I mention there'll be cake?) and doing the Q&A with just John (and that John's coming?), but frankly, Andrews McMeel might. So please, block out these dates on your calenders now, and then buy any necessary plane tickets to get you there, because with today's plethora of transportation options I am NOT accepting "it was too far away" as an excuse. (Hey, if I have to get on a plane...)

Ok, ok, just to sweeten the deal further: How about a contest? And even better, one in which no talent is required and you get to eat the results?

Yes, exactly like this, Christine D. Thanks.
(The original is here.)

Yep, in a nutshell: just make a Wreckplica of your choice...but the catch is, it has to be on a cupcake. This is both to keep the entries a manageable size, and (bonus!) just to screw with you. The crowd favorites will win fabulous prizes, which admittedly I haven't decided on yet, but believe me, they're going to be fabulous.

There will also be cake for everyone (bakers, if you'd like to volunteer your services in your city, let me know), so rest assured you will be leaving with a sugar buzz even if you don't bring an entry - but you still should anyway, so that those of us with icing in our hair don't mock you.

Yeah. Like that.

Ok, now that I have you positively salivating with anticipation, here's the schedule:

Orlando, FL
Borders (Winter Park)
Tuesday, September 22, 5PM
(NOTE: This will be my first public appearance EVER. So let me apologize in advance for doing the entire Q&A with a barf bag strategically placed on my lap.)

Portland, OR
Powell’s Books
Friday, September 25, 7:30 pm

Seattle, WA
Third Place Books
Saturday, September 26 6:30 pm

San Francisco, CA
Copperfield's Books (Petaluma)
Sunday, September 27 2:00 pm


Denver, CO
Tattered Cover Bookstore (Historic LoDo)
Tuesday, September 29 7:30 pm

Chicago, IL
Barnes & Noble (Old Orchard)
Thursday, October 1, 7:30 pm

Dallas, TX
Legacy Books
Saturday, October 3, 2:00 pm

Austin, TX
BookPeople
Sunday, October 4, 3:00 pm

Kansas City, MO
Barnes & Noble (Oak Park)
Monday, October 5, 6:00 pm
(NOTE: Yes, technically this is not in Missouri; it's in Kansas. I think these are listed by the closest major city, if that helps explain it any.)

Bethesda, MD
Barnes & Noble
Tuesday, October 6, 7:00 pm

New York, NY
Barnes & Noble (Greenwich Village)
Wednesday, October 7, 7:30 pm

I should mention that this tour started out with only 5 stops, and has grown to what it is now partly due to your exuberant responses on Facebook. So if you feel that some crime of omission has been committed here, by all means, tell me in the comments.

I'd also like to apologize to my international readers, since as you can see this tour is limited to the U.S. Given my dislike of flying in general - and long flights in particular - I have a hard time feeling TOO bad about this, but I am sorry I won't be able to meet all you lovelies in Australia, the UK, Japan, etc. We may try to stream one of the Q&A sessions online for you, so stay tuned.

And finally, if you think you might join us at one of the venues above, please RSVP - even if it's with a "maybe" - by clicking on the city name. This will help us figure out how much cake, prizes, chairs, etc. to have on hand.

Thanks, guys! I look forward to meeting many of you soon!

UPDATE: WOW. Thanks for the frenzied amount of feedback - I knew I could count on you Wreckies to speak your mind! Just remember that *I* am not the one booking this tour, so no accusing me of hatin' on the southeast/northeast, Ok? And rest assured, the powers-that-be are reading your comments here, so I for one have faith that - no matter what happens - I can always blame the outcome on them. :D

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!


What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!


- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty

Just Beachy

It's summer, the perfect time of year to head out to the seashore and soak up all the natural wonders the beach has to offer.

You know, like the native wildlife:


The clear blue skies,


The majestic palm trees,



The completely family-friendly blue-lined mushroom thingies,


And of course all the great sea life:

[gasping] "Darn you, Valdez. Darn you to heck."

Hey Sue S., Sharon, Alyska B., Sharon R., & Anony M., you know what's pastier than a Minnesotan in January? A Floridian in July. Yep. Now shut the door and hand me my sweater; you're letting all the cold air out.


- Related Wreckage: Marcus and the New Job

Reality Bites

NOTE: This post was written several days ago, and was not intended to be a commentary on any breaking news events. My sincere apologies to any who may find it offensive.

Cake artists, can we talk? I feel like we need to have a little heart-to-heart.

Ok, here's the deal: I know that you guys are talented - I do! - and I get that you like to showcase your talent with the cakes you make.

The only problem is, when you make something like this:

Well, no one wants to eat it.

Not to mention it's depressing; could that look any more funereal?

Look at it from the cake consumer's perspective: would you want to slice into a sleeping baby?

"I call butt!"

Or worse, have a toddler's eyeball staring up at you from your plate?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

So cake sculptors, please, stop making us choose between cake deprivation and feeling like a cannibal. If you must make a baby cake, make it nice and cartoony - preferably with no basis in reality whatsoever.

You know, like this:

Three arms, a gravity defying diaper, and crazy sunglasses? Yep, I'd eat that.

Heather S., Steven K., Michelle G., & Liz J., does that kid really have a 3rd arm sprouting from his chest? Why...I think he does. Pass the milk!

Update: Tons of you are saying that's a butt crack, not an arm. (The rest claim it's Epcot.) I can almost see that, but I still think it looks more like an arm. ;)

- Related Wreckage: You Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello

Freud Would Be Proud

If it's the thought that counts, then some of these bakers may need a cold shower.

How are you with word searches, Rose A.?

(Copycat Wreckplicas to hit bridal showers everywhere in 3...2...1...)

For this next one the birthday girl was turning 26, so Esther S. ordered a cake that said "The Big Two-Six". Instead they got...

'Course, the best part is that the decorator felt a clown was the most appropriate decoration.

This next one is more of a stretch if you're looking for something suggestive:

...but the contrast between "Welcome Home" and "Well, come home" is too good to pass up.

And finally, the piece de resistance:

Oh yes, they did.

Mai An, you're right: that is one epic first-year anniversary cake. Wowza.

- Related Wreckage: Don't Do It, Billy!

Sunday Sweets: Threadcakes

As you may recall, I get to be one of the judges in this year's Threadcakes competition. However, I'd just like to point out that I had no idea judging would be this hard. Seriously, there are so many surprisingly skillful entries already - and there's still another week to go! - that I don't see how we're going to narrow it down to just a few winners.

But enough of my whining. Here, let me show you what I'm talking about.

(The photos are arranged Threadless design first, followed by the Threadcakes entry.)

By Burton Wills
(Follow the links for more info & pics)

By Nicole Jeans

By Judy Stroud



By Kayla Richardson

There are also plenty of mad skilz in the 2D category:

By Jamie Masterson

Are you starting to see my dilemma? I've just barely scratched the surface, too - I may have to feature more of these next Sunday, since there are so many more I want to share. So tune in then - or, just head over to Threadcakes now and check out all 300+ entries!


- Similar Sweets: Like Buttah

Weee Are The Champions...

We won!
Wewonwewonwewon!!

Thanks so much to all of you who voted for CW in the '09 BlogLuxe Awards; because of you, Cake Wrecks WON in the Funniest Blog category. (You may now commence rejoicing.)

Since I don't think the winners have been released online yet, here's the breakdown according to SocialLuxe's Twitter feed (the winners were announced live at the Blogher conference last Thursday.) Also, there were two winners in each category:

Blogs We've Learned the Most From: I Heart Faces & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Most Inspiring Blog: Nie Nie Dialogues & The Spohrs are Multiplying

Most Provocative Blog: The Bloggess & Her Bad Mother

Tastiest Blog : This Week For Dinner & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Funniest Blog: Cake Wrecks (Woohoo!) & Mommy Wants Vodka

Best Eye Candy Blog: I Should Be Folding Laundry & whatever

Guiltiest Pleasure Blog: MamaPop & Craftastrophe


Congradulations to all the winners & nominees - Under Neat that, Y'all Rock!

Good Luck!

You're going to need it with these decorators.


Wow, first last week's "KKKake", and now this. Well, there's nothing like an unintentionally racist cake to spice up a send-off party, I always say.

"Raaawr! Luck good! Kimmie want cake! Cake good!!"


Well, that's not nice at all.

I'd say this cookie cake has a "good lack" of proper spelling and handwriting abilities. Yeesh. Stay in school, kids!


Blair G., Kimmie S., Amanda B., & Sarah G., I wish you excellent fortune.


- Related Wreckage: That's Way Better Than "Good"

A Womb with a View

Sure, torso cakes are kind of freaky, and eating cake babies can be off-putting, but what else is there for the baby shower hostess who wants to creep out her guests under the guise of serving a scrumptious treat? Is there nothing new under the Wrecky sun?

(Hah, like you don't know the answer to that.)

Presenting...the sonogram cake!


Thank you, edible image printing and 3D ultrasound imaging! Who knew two technologies could come together to create something so deliciously horrifying?

Now, don't get me wrong: I appreciate that sonograms allow moms to get an advance viewing of their little bun in the oven - I do. And most of these cakes are actually really well made, too. But let's face it: these new 3D sonograms look like they were directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Look into the hollow eye sockets of this shadowy visage and tell me the truth...

...are you feeling hungry?

And check out the contrast on this one: it's all sweet pastel ribbons & bows, but with a doorway into the Twilight Zone:

That bear's face says it all: "What kind of filling did you use?!?"

Compared to these, the more traditional sonograms look positively cuddly. They still make for some Wrecktastic cakes, though:

Hmm. What do you suppose it really is, Hannah M.?

And if you think that airbrushing is bad, check this out:

I think that's supposed to be a side view of the mom's torso, which makes her...a headless nudist with a skin condition? Mmm, tasty.

And you know it didn't take long for someone to combine these two ideas:

"Hey, y'all! Come check out this black & white TV lodged in my belly!"

Thanks to Wreckporters Kathleen E., Connie P., Thomas S., & Summer R.!

- Related Wreckage: First Impressions

This Should Even Things Out

After all the gorgeous Harry Potter cakes we've been featuring the past two Sundays, I figured we should tip the Wreckage scales back into balance.

[brushing hands off] Yep, that oughta do it!

Ok, one more:

Oh, good, they included the famous "three orange volcanoes" from the books/movies! Can't have a Harry Potter cake without those, now, can you?

What's that? There ARE no volcanoes - orange or otherwise - in the books or movies? Oh.

Well, then at least they have the big, green...smokestack? No...field! I think it's a field. That grows straight up. Er, because it's a "magical" land. Yeah.

[shifty eyes]

No?

Well, then, how about all those randomly scattered, teensy little photo circles of Ron, Harry, & Hermione? Now those really are "magical." [nodding earnestly]

What, those don't work for you either?

[frustrated sigh] Look, bub, it says "Harry Potter" on it in big frickin' letters. What more do you want? Now shell out the $21.50 and learn to deal, Ok?


Amy B. & Monique R., have you ever wondered who would win in a Harry vs Voldemort RAP BATTLE? Then watch this and find out. (And here's hoping I'm not the only one who thinks the Dark Lord's rhymes are way sweeter.)

CW's Biggest Fans?

If you want me to get a huge goofy grin on my face, just send me a picture like this:

Amy P. made this hilarious - and yet absolutely adorable - Wreckplica (see the original here) for a friend's baby shower. I think she greatly improved upon the design, don't you?

I love how they just moved the limbs in towards the center as they served it, too:

[snicker]

I also got an e-mail from Rose this week. Rose tells me that she and her hubby Paul are CW's #1 fans, and so for their wedding reception they teamed up with another CW fan, Stacie - who happens to be a professional baker - and designed THIS beauty:


Don't miss the little carrots on the sides- those are Rose's favorite part. The "Rise n Pail" is a thoroughly butchered version of their names, by the way, and "Happy Weeding" is an homage to this classic Wreck. And, of course, there's the bizarre photo montage - that's a work of art in itself.

And while I'm at it, I can't believe I never got around to posting what Wreck's reader Mary Beth made:

How's that for loyalty - she even listed the site address!! Mary Beth, you are a Wreck star, no doubt about it. (For the Wreck, go here.)

I have lots more fan-made goodies stashed away, but here are just a few more favorites:

Kristi B. made this during a cake class. The only thing better than a Wreckplica is a little Wrecky lingo! (Next stop: Webster's.)

And finally, with a CW homage cake to end all CW homage cakes, we have Katy N.'s submission:

A little context: there are apparently a lot of Wreckies at Katy's workplace, so when the time came to throw a party for four ladies who were getting married, they decided to incorporate as many of their favorite Wrecks into one cake as possible (plus a 4-headed bride). They printed out all the relevant blog entries and found a willing (and surprisingly skilled) decorator at a local bakery.

So, how many Wrecks do YOU recognize?

(Hint: he's on a bear skin rug. Bigger hint: go here.)

Remember the infamous Fireman cake?


And - could it be? Yes, yes it could! - the Cake Head Diet Aid!!

(That's a picture of one of the grooms.)

And don't forget Darth Vader, the "At least you're pretty" line, and all the "lovely" airbrushing. Wow. You guys really outdid yourselves, Katy - and kudos to the decorator for playing along so well!


- Related Wreckage: Carrot Jockeys Make Excellent Ground Troops