Come Meet Jen, Who Often Refers To Herself in the Third Person

I've been hinting around about this on both Facebook and Twitter, and now I'm pleased to say I can finally share with you the details of the coming U.S. Cake Wrecks Book Tour!!

Exactly, Jae K.

Uh, you DID know there's a book, right? Because you've already pre-ordered your copy like a good Wrecky henchperson, right?

Well, even if you haven't purchased a copy I hope you'll come say hello (and then purchase a copy). It's not that I'd mind eating all the cake myself (did I mention there'll be cake?) and doing the Q&A with just John (and that John's coming?), but frankly, Andrews McMeel might. So please, block out these dates on your calenders now, and then buy any necessary plane tickets to get you there, because with today's plethora of transportation options I am NOT accepting "it was too far away" as an excuse. (Hey, if I have to get on a plane...)

Ok, ok, just to sweeten the deal further: How about a contest? And even better, one in which no talent is required and you get to eat the results?

Yes, exactly like this, Christine D. Thanks.
(The original is here.)

Yep, in a nutshell: just make a Wreckplica of your choice...but the catch is, it has to be on a cupcake. This is both to keep the entries a manageable size, and (bonus!) just to screw with you. The crowd favorites will win fabulous prizes, which admittedly I haven't decided on yet, but believe me, they're going to be fabulous.

There will also be cake for everyone (bakers, if you'd like to volunteer your services in your city, let me know), so rest assured you will be leaving with a sugar buzz even if you don't bring an entry - but you still should anyway, so that those of us with icing in our hair don't mock you.

Yeah. Like that.

Ok, now that I have you positively salivating with anticipation, here's the schedule:

Orlando, FL
Borders (Winter Park)
Tuesday, September 22, 5PM
(NOTE: This will be my first public appearance EVER. So let me apologize in advance for doing the entire Q&A with a barf bag strategically placed on my lap.)

Portland, OR
Powell’s Books
Friday, September 25, 7:30 pm

Seattle, WA
Third Place Books
Saturday, September 26 6:30 pm

San Francisco, CA
Copperfield's Books (Petaluma)
Sunday, September 27 2:00 pm


Denver, CO
Tattered Cover Bookstore (Historic LoDo)
Tuesday, September 29 7:30 pm

Chicago, IL
Barnes & Noble (Old Orchard)
Thursday, October 1, 7:30 pm

Dallas, TX
Legacy Books
Saturday, October 3, 2:00 pm

Austin, TX
BookPeople
Sunday, October 4, 3:00 pm

Kansas City, MO
Barnes & Noble (Oak Park)
Monday, October 5, 6:00 pm
(NOTE: Yes, technically this is not in Missouri; it's in Kansas. I think these are listed by the closest major city, if that helps explain it any.)

Bethesda, MD
Barnes & Noble
Tuesday, October 6, 7:00 pm

New York, NY
Barnes & Noble (Greenwich Village)
Wednesday, October 7, 7:30 pm

I should mention that this tour started out with only 5 stops, and has grown to what it is now partly due to your exuberant responses on Facebook. So if you feel that some crime of omission has been committed here, by all means, tell me in the comments.

I'd also like to apologize to my international readers, since as you can see this tour is limited to the U.S. Given my dislike of flying in general - and long flights in particular - I have a hard time feeling TOO bad about this, but I am sorry I won't be able to meet all you lovelies in Australia, the UK, Japan, etc. We may try to stream one of the Q&A sessions online for you, so stay tuned.

And finally, if you think you might join us at one of the venues above, please RSVP - even if it's with a "maybe" - by clicking on the city name. This will help us figure out how much cake, prizes, chairs, etc. to have on hand.

Thanks, guys! I look forward to meeting many of you soon!

UPDATE: WOW. Thanks for the frenzied amount of feedback - I knew I could count on you Wreckies to speak your mind! Just remember that *I* am not the one booking this tour, so no accusing me of hatin' on the southeast/northeast, Ok? And rest assured, the powers-that-be are reading your comments here, so I for one have faith that - no matter what happens - I can always blame the outcome on them. :D

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!


What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!


- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty

Just Beachy

It's summer, the perfect time of year to head out to the seashore and soak up all the natural wonders the beach has to offer.

You know, like the native wildlife:


The clear blue skies,


The majestic palm trees,



The completely family-friendly blue-lined mushroom thingies,


And of course all the great sea life:

[gasping] "Darn you, Valdez. Darn you to heck."

Hey Sue S., Sharon, Alyska B., Sharon R., & Anony M., you know what's pastier than a Minnesotan in January? A Floridian in July. Yep. Now shut the door and hand me my sweater; you're letting all the cold air out.


- Related Wreckage: Marcus and the New Job

Reality Bites

NOTE: This post was written several days ago, and was not intended to be a commentary on any breaking news events. My sincere apologies to any who may find it offensive.

Cake artists, can we talk? I feel like we need to have a little heart-to-heart.

Ok, here's the deal: I know that you guys are talented - I do! - and I get that you like to showcase your talent with the cakes you make.

The only problem is, when you make something like this:

Well, no one wants to eat it.

Not to mention it's depressing; could that look any more funereal?

Look at it from the cake consumer's perspective: would you want to slice into a sleeping baby?

"I call butt!"

Or worse, have a toddler's eyeball staring up at you from your plate?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

So cake sculptors, please, stop making us choose between cake deprivation and feeling like a cannibal. If you must make a baby cake, make it nice and cartoony - preferably with no basis in reality whatsoever.

You know, like this:

Three arms, a gravity defying diaper, and crazy sunglasses? Yep, I'd eat that.

Heather S., Steven K., Michelle G., & Liz J., does that kid really have a 3rd arm sprouting from his chest? Why...I think he does. Pass the milk!

Update: Tons of you are saying that's a butt crack, not an arm. (The rest claim it's Epcot.) I can almost see that, but I still think it looks more like an arm. ;)

- Related Wreckage: You Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello

Freud Would Be Proud

If it's the thought that counts, then some of these bakers may need a cold shower.

How are you with word searches, Rose A.?

(Copycat Wreckplicas to hit bridal showers everywhere in 3...2...1...)

For this next one the birthday girl was turning 26, so Esther S. ordered a cake that said "The Big Two-Six". Instead they got...

'Course, the best part is that the decorator felt a clown was the most appropriate decoration.

This next one is more of a stretch if you're looking for something suggestive:

...but the contrast between "Welcome Home" and "Well, come home" is too good to pass up.

And finally, the piece de resistance:

Oh yes, they did.

Mai An, you're right: that is one epic first-year anniversary cake. Wowza.

- Related Wreckage: Don't Do It, Billy!

Sunday Sweets: Threadcakes

As you may recall, I get to be one of the judges in this year's Threadcakes competition. However, I'd just like to point out that I had no idea judging would be this hard. Seriously, there are so many surprisingly skillful entries already - and there's still another week to go! - that I don't see how we're going to narrow it down to just a few winners.

But enough of my whining. Here, let me show you what I'm talking about.

(The photos are arranged Threadless design first, followed by the Threadcakes entry.)

By Burton Wills
(Follow the links for more info & pics)

By Nicole Jeans

By Judy Stroud



By Kayla Richardson

There are also plenty of mad skilz in the 2D category:

By Jamie Masterson

Are you starting to see my dilemma? I've just barely scratched the surface, too - I may have to feature more of these next Sunday, since there are so many more I want to share. So tune in then - or, just head over to Threadcakes now and check out all 300+ entries!


- Similar Sweets: Like Buttah

Weee Are The Champions...

We won!
Wewonwewonwewon!!

Thanks so much to all of you who voted for CW in the '09 BlogLuxe Awards; because of you, Cake Wrecks WON in the Funniest Blog category. (You may now commence rejoicing.)

Since I don't think the winners have been released online yet, here's the breakdown according to SocialLuxe's Twitter feed (the winners were announced live at the Blogher conference last Thursday.) Also, there were two winners in each category:

Blogs We've Learned the Most From: I Heart Faces & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Most Inspiring Blog: Nie Nie Dialogues & The Spohrs are Multiplying

Most Provocative Blog: The Bloggess & Her Bad Mother

Tastiest Blog : This Week For Dinner & The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Funniest Blog: Cake Wrecks (Woohoo!) & Mommy Wants Vodka

Best Eye Candy Blog: I Should Be Folding Laundry & whatever

Guiltiest Pleasure Blog: MamaPop & Craftastrophe


Congradulations to all the winners & nominees - Under Neat that, Y'all Rock!

Good Luck!

You're going to need it with these decorators.


Wow, first last week's "KKKake", and now this. Well, there's nothing like an unintentionally racist cake to spice up a send-off party, I always say.

"Raaawr! Luck good! Kimmie want cake! Cake good!!"


Well, that's not nice at all.

I'd say this cookie cake has a "good lack" of proper spelling and handwriting abilities. Yeesh. Stay in school, kids!


Blair G., Kimmie S., Amanda B., & Sarah G., I wish you excellent fortune.


- Related Wreckage: That's Way Better Than "Good"

A Womb with a View

Sure, torso cakes are kind of freaky, and eating cake babies can be off-putting, but what else is there for the baby shower hostess who wants to creep out her guests under the guise of serving a scrumptious treat? Is there nothing new under the Wrecky sun?

(Hah, like you don't know the answer to that.)

Presenting...the sonogram cake!


Thank you, edible image printing and 3D ultrasound imaging! Who knew two technologies could come together to create something so deliciously horrifying?

Now, don't get me wrong: I appreciate that sonograms allow moms to get an advance viewing of their little bun in the oven - I do. And most of these cakes are actually really well made, too. But let's face it: these new 3D sonograms look like they were directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Look into the hollow eye sockets of this shadowy visage and tell me the truth...

...are you feeling hungry?

And check out the contrast on this one: it's all sweet pastel ribbons & bows, but with a doorway into the Twilight Zone:

That bear's face says it all: "What kind of filling did you use?!?"

Compared to these, the more traditional sonograms look positively cuddly. They still make for some Wrecktastic cakes, though:

Hmm. What do you suppose it really is, Hannah M.?

And if you think that airbrushing is bad, check this out:

I think that's supposed to be a side view of the mom's torso, which makes her...a headless nudist with a skin condition? Mmm, tasty.

And you know it didn't take long for someone to combine these two ideas:

"Hey, y'all! Come check out this black & white TV lodged in my belly!"

Thanks to Wreckporters Kathleen E., Connie P., Thomas S., & Summer R.!

- Related Wreckage: First Impressions

This Should Even Things Out

After all the gorgeous Harry Potter cakes we've been featuring the past two Sundays, I figured we should tip the Wreckage scales back into balance.

[brushing hands off] Yep, that oughta do it!

Ok, one more:

Oh, good, they included the famous "three orange volcanoes" from the books/movies! Can't have a Harry Potter cake without those, now, can you?

What's that? There ARE no volcanoes - orange or otherwise - in the books or movies? Oh.

Well, then at least they have the big, green...smokestack? No...field! I think it's a field. That grows straight up. Er, because it's a "magical" land. Yeah.

[shifty eyes]

No?

Well, then, how about all those randomly scattered, teensy little photo circles of Ron, Harry, & Hermione? Now those really are "magical." [nodding earnestly]

What, those don't work for you either?

[frustrated sigh] Look, bub, it says "Harry Potter" on it in big frickin' letters. What more do you want? Now shell out the $21.50 and learn to deal, Ok?


Amy B. & Monique R., have you ever wondered who would win in a Harry vs Voldemort RAP BATTLE? Then watch this and find out. (And here's hoping I'm not the only one who thinks the Dark Lord's rhymes are way sweeter.)

CW's Biggest Fans?

If you want me to get a huge goofy grin on my face, just send me a picture like this:

Amy P. made this hilarious - and yet absolutely adorable - Wreckplica (see the original here) for a friend's baby shower. I think she greatly improved upon the design, don't you?

I love how they just moved the limbs in towards the center as they served it, too:

[snicker]

I also got an e-mail from Rose this week. Rose tells me that she and her hubby Paul are CW's #1 fans, and so for their wedding reception they teamed up with another CW fan, Stacie - who happens to be a professional baker - and designed THIS beauty:


Don't miss the little carrots on the sides- those are Rose's favorite part. The "Rise n Pail" is a thoroughly butchered version of their names, by the way, and "Happy Weeding" is an homage to this classic Wreck. And, of course, there's the bizarre photo montage - that's a work of art in itself.

And while I'm at it, I can't believe I never got around to posting what Wreck's reader Mary Beth made:

How's that for loyalty - she even listed the site address!! Mary Beth, you are a Wreck star, no doubt about it. (For the Wreck, go here.)

I have lots more fan-made goodies stashed away, but here are just a few more favorites:

Kristi B. made this during a cake class. The only thing better than a Wreckplica is a little Wrecky lingo! (Next stop: Webster's.)

And finally, with a CW homage cake to end all CW homage cakes, we have Katy N.'s submission:

A little context: there are apparently a lot of Wreckies at Katy's workplace, so when the time came to throw a party for four ladies who were getting married, they decided to incorporate as many of their favorite Wrecks into one cake as possible (plus a 4-headed bride). They printed out all the relevant blog entries and found a willing (and surprisingly skilled) decorator at a local bakery.

So, how many Wrecks do YOU recognize?

(Hint: he's on a bear skin rug. Bigger hint: go here.)

Remember the infamous Fireman cake?


And - could it be? Yes, yes it could! - the Cake Head Diet Aid!!

(That's a picture of one of the grooms.)

And don't forget Darth Vader, the "At least you're pretty" line, and all the "lovely" airbrushing. Wow. You guys really outdid yourselves, Katy - and kudos to the decorator for playing along so well!


- Related Wreckage: Carrot Jockeys Make Excellent Ground Troops

I'm Guessing They Didn't Have a Matching Card

Well, at least it didn't say "Happy".
(And you have to admit: the glowsticks are an inspired touch.)

Mmmm, cancer rat.

Slice of dead Lenin, anyone?

I mean, it looks just like Lenin's perfectly preserved corpse, so I know you're salivating already. Why, just look how excited the kiddies are!

"No, not the cold shoulder; I want a slice of the iron fist! Now quit Stalin and get me some Lenin-ade to wash it down with, or this joint won’t be getting any high Marx from me."

Of course the best part was saved for the VIPs:


Ah, a little jawbone with a scoop of ice cream on the side... [kissing fingertips] magnifique!


Ellie P., Whitney G., & Ann W., I think I'm going to need a Unicorn Chaser, stat.

- Related Wreckage: Any Occasion Will Do


UPDATE: Wow, thanks for all the entries in the dead Lenin caption contest, guys! The winning caption is a combination of what Taylor, Jenniffer, the Suttons, & Anne S. wrote. Oh, and my friend Abby came up with "slice of the iron fist."

And here are a few more that made me laugh:

"Lenin cake again?" - Ivory Girl

"I said I wanted a LEMON cake." - Judy

"Well, it’s better than cancer rat.” – Chris

"Crotch, please!" - BookTender

Say What?

Ah, sweet failures in communication.

Pushy, pushy. You WILL be Miss Charles, hear? Now, love PF Changs! Love them!!

At least it sounds right when you read it aloud. Although you do have to wonder: if you don't know, what makes you think the people eating your cake will?

Some folks just can't resist telling everyone when they're finished with a task. "G-r-e-a-t...J-o-b...there! Done!"

Resistance is futile.

Lindsay J., Tracey B., Amy J., & Anony M., congradulations on are job done.


- Related Wreckage: Jen Pipes Down

Sunday Sweets: More Potter!

Once a week here on Cake Wrecks we post the best of the best of the best cakes out there. And most of the time, the comments go a little something like this:

"Oooooohh pretty!"

Last week, however, sparked a debate rarely seen in these parts, and instead of comments we got seven page dissertations on popular 20th century children's literature and its effect on modern culture and resulting religious, racial and socioeconomic implications. And guess who had to moderate all those comments? That's right: me.

Every.

Last.

Word.

So this week, we're going to look at some more Potter sweets, but we're gonna do it a bit differently. This week we're gonna look at the pretty pictures, and when we're done, we're gonna do our comments Twitter style, meaning 140 letters or less. Capisce? Everybody with me? Okay then. Here goes.

(Made by Yulia)

Ooooh, pretty.

(Made by WhiplashGirlchild)

Lookit the potion bottle! Cool!

(Made by Courtney Clark of Cake Nouveau)

Game of Quidditch, anyone?

(Made by Pricilla from Pricilla's Cottage)

Bernard, you lucky bum.

(Made by Chotda)

This is a Mandrake, and I'm pretty sure the pot is cake, too.

(Made by Springlakecakes)

It must have been deeply satisfying to take a bite out of the Monster Book of Monsters.

(Made by Britta)

It lights up! Like magic!

(Made by Deanna's Aunt Despina and found here)

Awww. Hedwig's looking charmingly chubby here.

And that wraps up our Potter Sweets - hope you all enjoyed!

As always, if you'd like to nominate a Sweet you can send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

- Similar Sweets: Harry Potter

A Series of Unfortunate Monograms

Who thought this was a good idea?

Or this?

(Never in my life have I so fervently hoped that a cake was chocolate.)

Or, Aunt Flo help us, this?

"So, when's the party?"

"At the end of the month."

Amy M., Jenna B., & Kim W., URQTs. At least, I like to think that you are. Not in a creepy way, of course, or like I know firsthand because I secretly stalk you or anything...that would just be weird. I mean, look, I'm just trying to give you a friendly compliment, in a completely platonic, non-stalker-esque kind of way, Ok? Ok. As you were.


- Related Wreckage: Can You Make a Freudian Slip in Icing?

Basket Case

John here with a wrecky collage of cakes which are “near and dear” to my heart: sports cakes.

I like to think one of the reasons Jen was first attracted to me (besides my devastating, Kiefer-Sutherland-before-he-got-too-skinny-on-24 good looks*, of course) is my natural affinity for sports. Sure, I don't like to watch them much, or talk about them, or really play any, but I am way more knowledgeable on the subject than Jen is. (Granted, Jen thinks 4D chess deserves its own Olympic category, so that's not saying much, but still...)

Anyway, I've been asked to shed a little testosterone-fueled light on some of these here basketball cakes. Here goes.

The first thing to know is that the ball is round. Like so:

(In the decorator's defense, it is really hard to make a round cake. It’s not like they make pans for that kind of thing.)

This baker solved the round problem with a classic "spinning rug of poo on a bed of scrapple" approach:

Then again, maybe it's not spinning so much as it is sprouting ear hair... which raises a bunch of other questions I won't get into right now.

(Oh, and this is probably a good place to mention that it’s never a good idea to change tips and/or Wreckerators mid-cake. Nobody likes mismatched balls.)

Next we have the ever popular basketball-flower-with-an-obligatory-face cake:

What’s with all the faces on balls anyway? Is there a rule that says that all round objects on a cake have to be looking at you?

And if so, what kind of occasion calls for a nauseous basketball, anyway?

"Ug, I think I'm about to dribble, if you catch my drift..."

At least this last one looks happy, if a bit demented.

Aaaand we’ve come full circle with the round thing again. Given that they're both dreaded CCCs *ptooie* , that's not much of a surprise.

So in conclusion, sports are an inspiring blah blah blah full of life lessons blah blah blah, funny joke that showcases my wit and charm... blah blah.


Jessica S., Hallie S., Tara M., Erin K., and Ann Marie W., try to contain yourselves, please; I'm happily married**.


- Related Wreckage: Have a Ball!


* Jen wrote that, not me. (I would have gone with a Matt Damon/Brad Pitt mash-up.)

**And by "happily" I mean "ecstatically overjoyed with every passing day" - er, did I get that right, Sweetie?

Hello, Kitty?

Hello Kitty is the epitome of all things cute, to an almost nauseating degree:

However, put her in the hands of these bakers and she becomes a puff-faced gerbil with a glandular problem:


This next one is deceptively nice, other than the RSS-icon hair bow...

...but then you realize that massive domed face is ALL icing, slathered onto a...a....[swallowing] CUPCAKE CAKE!! [blood-curdling scream]


I think this next baker tried to make a Hello Kitty vampire, but since HK has no mouth it turned out a little...odd.

Transplanted walrus tusks, or dangling fingers? I suppose either works on the cracked black background. Oh, and maybe this is just me, but I find that a vampire who waves totally loses all "cool" credibility. Seriously. Can you picture Dracula waving? Of course not. It's just not dignified.

Now, if you want a creepy Hello Kitty done right, you do what Bonefinder did:

Zombie Hello Kitty - excellent!

And lastly, Julie M. found out the hard way that her local bakery either has no idea who Hello Kitty is, or believes she is Porky Pig's sister:

Yes, that's really supposed to be Hello Kitty. Wow.

Hey Ayana W., Holly U., Kelly H., and Matthew Z., what do you get when you combine Hello Kitty & Darth Vader?

Answer: Something that horrifies every Star Wars fan in existence:

Everyone can relax; it's Photoshopped. For legitimate HK insanity, though, check out Hello Kitty Hell. It's funny stuff, although I'd be lying if I said I didn't think a lot of the stuff on there is adorable. (Look at these water bottles and tell me they're not just the cutest - go on.)

"Baby" Showers

Some cakes make you wonder what species of baby is being welcomed into the world:

"Extra, extra! Read all about it! Swamp Thing procreates!

Becomes spokesperson for cloth diapers!"

I think this is a monkey.

[German accent] "Wouldst you like to touch my monkey? Touch him! LOVE HIM!!"

And finally, we have our mutant flippered pig-child of perpetual worry:

Or maybe that's pain; it probably hurts to be skewered through the hand with a rose stem.

Kimberly L, Erin G., & Justin E., now is the time on Sprockets when we dance.


- Related Wreckage: Fetal Bites

Does This Cake Make Me Look Fat?

Attn parents: the last photo in today's post is not appropriate for the little ones.

So you're making a Doritos-run to your local grocery store, and you see this:

And for some reason many of you are convinced by this chipped, yellowing, choking-hazard of a cake that photo cakes are a "grrrr-reat!" idea. So you run home, rifle through the blackmail folder, and order up gems like these:

And when you combine embarrassing candids with the "skill" of a seasoned Wreckerator, you can achieve a level of Wreckage never before imagined by the culinary world.

Your job: find the creepiest photo of the birthday girl possible - swirling light vortex and glowing red eyes a plus.

Wreckerator's job: place photo off-center and try to use up all this extra orange icing.

(the orange is on the bottom border)

Great job, team!

Or here's an idea:

Hand out little tubes of icing and invite guests to black out teeth, draw on mustaches, etc. That'll make the birthday girl feel special.

Here's an option for you creative types:

Photoshop: lending the honky some jammin' style since 1984.

Photo cakes are also a great way to remind friends what happened during their last black out:


Or why their new nickname is "the dragon":

Ah, cameras and alcohol: a match made in Cake Wrecks heaven.

Thanks to Mangycat, Bridgett, A Nony Mouse, Emma M., Rachel B., Julie C., and Kimberly E. Remember: what happens in Vegas, gets on Cake Wrecks!

- Related Wreckage: Breaking News: Head-Swelling Bakery Incident Goes Horribly Awry

Beauty is Only Skin Deep

If you think animated characters today set an unrealistic standard of beauty for your kids, then you're in luck! Today's cakes will show you some great ways to lower that standard, all while teaching important life-lessons!


First, remember, girls: strong jawlines = strong women.

Also, some things are better gotten off your chest.

While others - such as missing limbs, sagging chests, and worryingly large necks - are best left unmentioned:

On the plus side, questions like "Where's the rest of her choker? Or her arm? Or her ear?" can help distract viewers from misspellings. Case in point: did you notice "bithday"?


Brenda S., Courtenay P., Aaryn C., & Beth, these cakes are beautiful, no matter what they say.


- Related Wreckage: My Youngest Wreckporter

Sunday Sweets: Harry Potter

Years ago, Jen and I were in an airport with nothing to read. So, like so many other hapless victims, we decided to peruse the local den of thieves (aka airport gift shop). On a whim, Jen picked up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Little did I know that that would be the beginning of what has become a minor obsession in my life. We've been to midnight book releases, I listen to the audio books at work over and over, and naturally I'm far more excited about the movies than any grown man probably should be. So, with the sixth film coming out this Wednesday, I asked Jen to let me do this week's Sunday Sweets.

Now, put down those Fizzing Wizzbies, and let's admire the works of some of the finest Muggle bakers around!

You guys asked for more 2D cakes, so check out this awesome fondant-free example:

We're pretty sure that's either a chocolate or butter cream transfer on the top - cool, huh? I found it on Decolicious!'s Flickr stream.

Next is Margie's amazing Sorting Hat:

For those of you who are not (yet) die-hard Potter fans, the sorting hat is a magical talking hat. Who sometimes sings. Or produces swords. Or bursts into flames. (Just read the books, Ok?)

This next one is reeeeally exciting [pushing up glasses]:

It's a book cake, yes. But not just ANY book cake; a book cake with the very last line from the series on it:

"All was well." [tearing up] This is so beautiful. It's from the aptly named Mike's Amazing Cakes.

And finally, here's the Hogwarts cake Duff and his team from Charm City Cakes made:

I think this was for the last movie's premier.

Here's a closeup:


I know what you're thinking, and yes, there actually are more great Harry Potter cakes out there. You'll just have to tune in next Sunday to see the rest of them. (And if you have one to nominate, you can send it to us at Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.)

And finally, I know there are still some folks out there who don't like Harry Potter, for any of a number of reasons. I doubt I'll be able to change your mind if that's the case, but I do want to share what I think is the best end result of JK Rowling's work:

Little kids reading 800 page books - now THAT is Sunday Sweets worthy.

Early Detection is Key

During these summer months, it's extra important to perform regular bakery checks. So just remember your ABCs, everyone:

A: Is the "design" awful?
B: Is the border ragged or irregular?
C: Is the color reminiscent of a contagious skin disease?

If you see anything suspicious, don't delay: photograph the offending specimen and submit it to a licensed professional* immediately.

*And by "licensed professional", I mean "the blogger who specializes in ridiculing ridiculous Wreckage". (Now say that three times fast...)

Eric P., thanks for this important reminder.


- Related Wreckage: How To Make Your Twins Hate You

Love is in the Air...

It's wedding season, and the spirit of fairy-tale perfection is in the air. So naturally, I must CRUSH that spirit with tales of wedding cakes gone wrong!! Mwuahahahahah!

[patting hair] Ahem.

What Stacey H. wanted:

Nifty modern texture. I like it.

What Stacey got:

Erm, I'm pretty sure dragging a fork through crusted-over icing doesn't count as a "technique".

Anony Bride wanted a cake with tiers similar to this:


But instead she got tiers like this:

Something about the puffy wobbliness of this cake makes it look like a diaper cake to me - you know, those shower gifts made out of actual diapers? Which probably would have been sturdier, come to think of it: the weight of the wedding topper made this cake start to collapse in on itself.

This was Stephanie S.'s inspiration:


Which resulted in...this:


I'm not sure who gets the blame for the ribbon selection, but that neon teal "scroll work" combined with the black icing border is sufficiently Wrecky on its own.

And lastly, Vanessa wanted a single layer version of her wedding cake for her one-year anniversary. Here's her wedding cake:

Oooh, preeeetty.

And here's what she got for her anniversary cake:

Oooh, shii...er...NOT pretty.

Ah, the mismatched whites, the battle-scarred frosting, the ponderous folds of flabby fondant! Who else is inspired to throw a toga party?

- Related Wreckage: Wedding Wrecks

Copyright Unfringement

Technically, you know, if you want to get all law-abiding about it, you have to have permission to use copyrighted characters on cakes.

Or, you can try one of these techniques:

1. The Alter-Ego:

Of course it's not Thomas the Train. It's Loco Larry, the Mentally Unstable Locomotive.

2. The Unibrow:

Is that a seagull on your face, or are you a licensed Disney character? (Seagull. Duh.)

3. The Brother By a Different Mother:

"Okay Super...uh...Sam?...just keep your hands where I can see them!"

4. The Foreign Equivalent:

"Que Pasa, El Lightningo?"

"Hola, Senior Rustico."

"Isn't it nice how we are completely original foreign creations in no way affiliated with Disney or its subsidiary companies?"
"Si."

Tracy L., Ed S., Erin M., & Emily S., er, none of you are lawyers, right?


- Related Wreckage: Guess Who!

Christmas in July: Going Dutch

Ok, sure, it's July, and the last thing on your mind is broadening your...uh...mind...with exposure to international holiday traditions - I get it. However, this particular post was deemed by the powers that be* too controversial to post back in December, so all my hard work and sparkling wit got shelved, its radiance cloaked all these long months.

So what changed?

Well, that's a long story. One involving too many mango mojitos, a Chuck marathon, and a malfunctioning alarm clock. (Ok, so maybe it's not that long of a story...)

But enough intro: you guys ready to have those minds broadened? I promise it will only sting a little.

*meaning me, John, and the cat


In the Netherlands Santa Claus (called Sinterklaas) doesn't have elves for sidekicks; he has Zwarte Piet (meaning "Black Pete"). Zwarte Piet is usually played by a white guy in blackface makeup, a curly black wig, and big gold hoop earrings. (I am SO not making this up.)

Here's a reference photo from Wikipedia:

"Get your hand off my robe; you'll make it dirty."

Zwarte shows up in cake form quite a lot, too, and in less than flattering ways:

However, if this seems a little insensitive to you, Wreckporter Kiki has a perfectly reasonable explanation:

"Dutch people claim Pete is black because of the soot in the chimneys he has to climb down to deliver the gifts."

OH, so it's soot! Ok, I get it. And you're right: this does look a lot like Bert the chimney sweep:

source

We all know how Bert liked his lipstick.

And dressing up like Aunt Jemima:

source

This one found by Wouter T. is probably the most wreckish; it looks like the remains of a melting muppet:


Ever heard the expression "in for a penny, in for a pound"? Well, since I'm already stirring up trouble here, I may as well share what Megan H. found at a bakery in Argentina:

They're little cakes called "Africancitos", or "little black men". With bows on their heads. I don't think they're a holiday treat, though, so you can enjoy your little-black-men cake heads any time of the year. "Great for parties!"

(Yes, I've officially crossed the line from horrified disbelief into horrified humor. It's more fun over here - won't you join me?)

To those of you offended by all this, you should know that Zwarte Piet was not intended to be offensive. (Argentina, you're on your own.) And to those of you who see nothing wrong with outdated and racially insensitive traditions, you should take a look at this poster:

Who Ordered the Poo Poo Platter?

Some Wrecks are misspelled,

Some use rapier wit.
Others are just ugly,
But these are full of...

uh, poo-like frosting clumps.

Can you handle the truth, Mandy F.?

Amy H. & Clinton C., who gets to dig the plastic plate out of all that frosting, and who gets to pinch off one of those "logs"?

Whatever you do, Jan A., do NOT zoom in on that mouse butt. Don't do it.


Ashley, as far as ads for fast-acting laxatives go, this one could be a tad more subtle.

And finally, Melissa H. found this perfect pile:

Yech. Let's just hope that "cowboy rope" has nothing to do with those nasty rumors about John Wayne's colon. Although, serving these kind of cupcakes certainly would make an impact, don't you think?


Related Wreckage: And For That Crowning Touch...

Well, I'm Stumped

There is a tradition of making wedding cakes that look like tree stumps. Why? Beats me. And since many of them have little shotgun shells decoratively sprinkled around the edges, I'll let one of you ask.

Here's an example of a stump wedding cake, and also what bride Zsofia asked her baker to make for her wedding:

As you can see, it is remarkably stumpy. Now, again, you may be questioning the reasoning behind celebrating a new life of love together with a murdered tree. To this I say: It's not like it's a real tree, so let it go already. Besides, that's not the point.

So what IS the point?

The point, my dear Wreckies, is that Zsofia got THIS for her wedding cake:


See? Betcha don't give a poo-streaked muck pile why people order stump cakes now. Now you just want a better view of this poo-streaked muck pile.

Happy to oblige, my friends, happy to oblige:

This is a wedding cake, people. A wedding cake. For somebody's wedding. Which people were expected to eat. With their mouths.

Now don't get me wrong: the green shredded coconut adds a festive touch to those 15 cent cardboard rounds, and the fake bird is totally workin' it. Still, the bride suspects (and from this photo, I think with good reason) that the cake may have fallen over a few times en route, since in addition to looking - well, like this - it was an hour late to the reception.

Happily, though, Zsofia reports that by the time the cake arrived most of the guests were too drunk to care what the cake looked like, anyway.

[sniffle] Aw, I just love happy endings, don't you?


- Related Wreckage: Inspiration vs Perspiration

Sunday Sweets: Transformers

I suppose I should have featured these last weekend to coincide with the movie release, huh? Well, better late than never...

Josh G. sent in this sweet Bumblebee that his girlfriend Lindsay sculpted. Check it out:


And here he is in car form by Cake It Or Leave It:



This amazing Optimus Prime cake is completely fondant free, and yet look at all the detail:

Words fail me - this is too awesome. It was made by artist Dan Zuber.

Here's a neat composition: the cake was for the groom's birthday, in addition to being his groom's cake:

Made by Cakerific.

Not every Sweet has to be a sculpted cake, either. This sheet cake by Carmen-Rose is beautifully done:

Maybe I should start featuring more 2D cakes, to show that it's more about the talent of the decorator than a 3D vs 2D issue. What do you guys think?

And finally, I'm loving the graphic simplicity of this birthday cake by Cakes by Francesca:

I love the dramatic colors, and she executed the slanted tiers just perfectly. It takes a lot of skill to get a cake that glass-smooth, too, and the corners that sharp. Kudos, Francesca!


Have a Sweet to share? Then send it to me a Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Happy 2ndapendance Day

Glad to see you at least got sprinkles, Jill C.

This next bit has nothing to do with cake, but everything to do with why America is great. (Answer: The Muppets.) You must watch it. Preferably a few times, the better to appreciate the slo-mo background images and Beaker's stupendous soprano performance:




Have a great fourth, y'all! (Though, really, after that how could you not?)

...and so fourth

With Jen currently sprawled on the couch surrounded by remotes and souped up on Darvoset, I figured it would be nice of me not to make her write a post today. She still has to make dinner of course - hey, it's not like it's gonna make itself! - but sometimes sacrifices like these are required to make a marriage work. ("Hey babe? Those potatoes are looking a little lumpy...Just sayin'.")

But seriously, *heh* we've gotten a whole bunch of Fourth of July cakes and it would be a shame not to share them. "Would you say we have a plethora of cakes?" you ask. Si, Elguapo, si.

Allow me to start with what I like to call a "wait...what?" cake:

Let's take it step by step here:

1. Start with an airbrush. 'Cuz ya gos ta show off yo mad skillz.

2. Realize you don't know how to do anything but wonky lines with said airbrush.

3. Pull out trusty icing bag and try to fake us all out with hastily splooged border and stars.

4. Add red, white and blue sprinkles to distract viewers from step #2.

Next we have donuts:


Yes, doughnuts. Because they were feeling left out of all the patriotic splooging. On a side note, I've seen my share of brightly colored icing before but this stuff makes me want to chuck it in a lead barrel and bury it in a mountain somewhere.

Remember the days when decorators would at least try to make a CCC (hwok...hwok...snort...ptooie!) look like something?


Yeah, those were the days. I particularly like the blue over spray on the cake board here for that extra special "Meh, who gives a flying squirrel?"* touch.


And finally,

If you think I'm going to touch this with a ten-foot pole, you've got another thing coming.**

Thanks, all, for bearing with us on Jen's day of woozyloopytudeness. She should be back soon - same bat time, same bat channel - so stay tuned.


*See? Look how family-friendly I am!

**Ok, never mind.

Thanks to Sarah C., Lesli W., Gilian, and Amy G. WRECK ON!

Taking Liberties

As we gear up for the fourth of July, it's nice to see bakeries celebrating the freedom our brave men and women in the armed forces have afforded them.

Namely, the freedom to unleash Wreckage of this caliber on the unsuspecting populace:

'Cuz if you've got it, flaunt it, right?

The star of Irving, David's rarely-mentioned younger brother.

I think this is either an umbrella or a pair of scissors. John sees a hand making the peace sign. And to be honest, the fact that all of those are options is oddly impressive.

This last one looks like one of those cartoon steam whistles, like in Steamboat Willy:

Since whistles don't usually say "Bang!", though, I guess I have to agree with Tara M. that this is a firecracker. Which makes about as much sense as a steam whistle saying "Bang!", come to think of it.


Shelley B., David K., Kelly B., did you notice that ALL of today's Wrecks are cupcake cakes?


NOTE: Thank you all for the many kind comments and e-mails yesterday. I'm in surgery today at 1PM EST, but should be back tweeting and snarking away by this evening. You've reminded me once again that I have the best readers any blogger could ever hope for, so thanks again.

UPDATE: The surgery went great! And y'all weren't kidding about the drugs...I almost wish I needed to take more, but I'm feeling surprisingly little pain. Your well-wishes and prayers were very much appreciated and felt, so thank you all again!

Happy Canada Day!

No, my northern friends, I didn't forget about you. For some reason your bakeries just aren't churning out the patriotic-themed Wreckage - and for that I'm torn between congratulating you and scolding you.

Fortunately I do have a few specimens to share, though, and I'll also be sure to liberally sprinkle in some "Eh?"s throughout today's post, to demonstrate my impeccable cultural sensitivity. (I know better than to tick off a country of people wearing those hats with the earflaps and hanging out with moose all day, Ok? I mean... eh?)

First, let us non-Canadians take a gander at what your flag is supposed to look like:


Simple, bold, graphic... I have to say, Canada: I like it. Eh?

And then there's this:

Ah, the airbrush...uniting the world in Wreckage. Eh?

And this:

The finger hole was the result of an over-eager guest, but that "leaf" is pure Wreckerator skill at work. Kinda looks like a monster on a Popsicle stick, doesn't it? Eh?

I'm pretty sure this next one must be from Canada, too, because, well...

...it says "I heart flannel". And we all know what country loves flannel! Eh? (Right now the rest of you are jealous of my superior cultural diversity, aren't you? Yeah, I can tell.)

To leave you on a sweet note - Eh? - check out the beautiful Canadian flag-inspired cake Jessica J. found:

So pretty! It looks like this was displayed at a convention in the Philippines, but I don't see the baker's name listed. You can see more pretty cakes at the source page, though. Eh?


Nicole K., Michaelle P., & Lauren K., I would leave you with lovely French phrase, but I don't know any French.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Eh?

Considering the Uterus

Warning: Impending TMI of a medical nature. (In case the title didn't already clue you in.)

Tomorrow I will have the dubious pleasure of having the insides of my uterus cauterized. In honor of the occasion, we could take a look at the uterus in all its glory and learn from the wonders of the human body.

OR...

We could take a look at what other women order when they get their lady-bits worked on. After all, I could use a little inspiration.


(Yeah, I like option "B" better, too.)



This woman nicknamed her baby bag "Tilly", and then ordered it a farewell cake, like so:


Hm. Not a bad idea, really. Of course, coming up with just the right nickname for your internal organs can be a mixed bag - er, no pun intended. Plus, I'd have to give mine a guy's name, since I refuse to believe any female would inflict such horrors on another. So...The McCramper? Sweeney Todd? Sir-Clumps-A-Lot? I'm open to suggestions, obviously.

Elizabeth made this nifty Operation cake for her mom, who was feeling kinda down about an impending hysterectomy:

Elizabeth writes, "My friends said I should have made a driver's license with her picture and changed the F to an M, but since I didn't want her to kill herself, I just made this."

Good call, Elizabeth. Having the cake recipient collapse in a sobbing heap can be such a killjoy. Far better to take the more chipper, Pollyanna-ish route:

Although there is the possibility that wishing someone a "happy" hysterectomy could lead to a different kind of meltdown: Anyone remember Wendi Aaron's famous "Happy Period" rant at Always maxi pads? If not, and you don't mind a little language, you should check it out.

Here's my favorite line:

"...there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory."

Ah, which of us hasn't been there, eh, ladies? Or are there right now? ("Husband!! Bring me more Kahlua!!")


Some women obviously have a better relationship with their bits than I do, though:

Friends? Friends?!?
("Husband!! I mean it!!")

Now granted, I'm not having Sir-Clumps-A-Lot removed tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I'm any less apprehensive about the anesthesia and the whole, you know, cauterizing thing. So if any of you have some spare well wishes to send my way, the doctor's way, the Almighty's way, etc., I'd sure appreciate it.


Oh, and for the most realistic-looking (ie shiiiny) uterus cake yet, check out Debbie's here.


Thanks to Wreckporter Hall-of-Famer Monique R. for finding the last three.


UPDATE: For all of you asking if vasectomy cakes will be next: Been there, done that. :D