Friday, July 3, 2009

...and so fourth

Friday, July 3, 2009

With Jen currently sprawled on the couch surrounded by remotes and souped up on Darvoset, I figured it would be nice of me not to make her write a post today. She still has to make dinner of course - hey, it's not like it's gonna make itself! - but sometimes sacrifices like these are required to make a marriage work. ("Hey babe? Those potatoes are looking a little lumpy...Just sayin'.")

But seriously, *heh* we've gotten a whole bunch of Fourth of July cakes and it would be a shame not to share them. "Would you say we have a plethora of cakes?" you ask. Si, Elguapo, si.

Allow me to start with what I like to call a "wait...what?" cake:

Let's take it step by step here:

1. Start with an airbrush. 'Cuz ya gos ta show off yo mad skillz.

2. Realize you don't know how to do anything but wonky lines with said airbrush.

3. Pull out trusty icing bag and try to fake us all out with hastily splooged border and stars.

4. Add red, white and blue sprinkles to distract viewers from step #2.

Next we have donuts:


Yes, doughnuts. Because they were feeling left out of all the patriotic splooging. On a side note, I've seen my share of brightly colored icing before but this stuff makes me want to chuck it in a lead barrel and bury it in a mountain somewhere.

Remember the days when decorators would at least try to make a CCC (hwok...hwok...snort...ptooie!) look like something?


Yeah, those were the days. I particularly like the blue over spray on the cake board here for that extra special "Meh, who gives a flying squirrel?"* touch.


And finally,

If you think I'm going to touch this with a ten-foot pole, you've got another thing coming.**

Thanks, all, for bearing with us on Jen's day of woozyloopytudeness. She should be back soon - same bat time, same bat channel - so stay tuned.


*See? Look how family-friendly I am!

**Ok, never mind.


Thanks to Sarah C., Lesli W., Gilian, and Amy G. WRECK ON!
Cara said...

Jen - I hope you are feeling spunky again soon. Were you in the hospital long enough to be served any photogenic Jello wrecks? And John, really, anything less than a 4 course dinner from Jen tonight is truly grounds for divorce. :)

p said...

Mm. Third one looks like a patriotic whale... that's been harpooned and is bleeding to death, slowly discolouring the entire ocean with its blood.

Tasty.

CALpumper said...

Thanks John. Ten foot poles are over rated.

My best to Jen as she recovers! Happy 4th to you both. May she feel better quickly.

Ms Avery said...

Best wishes for a quick recovery!

Question: is there any non-terrible airbrushing out there?

Bryna said...

Feel better Jen!

And have a Wreckie 4th to all! :)

Fluffy Cow said...

I am all for patriotism... but it should NOT be expressed in cake form. Seriously.

Bailey's Leaf said...

Ah, you forgot to mention the tinsel on that last, um, cake. That's what it was, yes? The cake that was looking like . . .

Doug D. said...

*shudder* I don't ever want to hear "splooge" associated with food ever again.

unapologetic said...

Who gives a flying squirrel?

And now (on Sunday, I assume) here's something we hope you'll really like.

Melinda said...

Had you made her do the commentary, John, you would have been cleaning up lots of vomit. Or maybe not, but I am prone to puking my guts out for no reason on Darvocet, and those cakes gave plenty of reason.

Judy said...

Lumpy potatoes? What kind of wife is she? Why, my grandmother gave birth to my mom out in a farmers field and then kept on picking vegetables. No wonder she drones on about this lazy generation so much. Sheesh!
Step it up girl. Look after your man!

LOL XD

WV-rationd: you best be more appreciative - In my day this kind of humour was rationd

Novice Writer Anonymous said...

Wow. Those are indeed wrecktacular! Hope you're feeling better soon, Jen.


Novice Writer Anonymous

Jael said...

In the mad rush to airbrush stripes, the wrecker of no. 1 changed history. Apparently this nation started with only ELEVEN states and in the 200-odd years since has been reduced to TEN, according to the stars.

Wow.

Anonymous said...

The thought of consuming so much food coloring makes me feel queasy!

Get well soon, Jen. You ought to send hubby out for some non-wreck goodies to speed you on to recovery!

WandaV in AL

Kelly said...

Jen - may you back to your usual snarky self soon.

Nice job, John. I must say I prefer my potatoes lumpy, but to his his own.

I am almost disappointed that the last cake didn't reposition those cupcakes. A more symmetric placement could have put this way over the family-friendly line. Sometimes ten feet aren't enough!

Brett said...

You made a Three Amigos reference.

This is now officially the greatest blog ever.

Anonymous said...

Sending healing thoughts your way, Jen!

I can just picture the scene at the first picture; "WHAT?! You were going to splooge real stars and stripes on this cake? You think this bakery is made of money or something? Just airbrush it in and save the splooging for the doughnuts."

--Blue Jean

Spoodles said...

I hope you're feeling better really really soon! Not that I didn't enjoy John's commentary today... hehe...

~Anne said...

Some events just aren't meant to be represented via cakes/cupcakes.......4th of July seems to be one of them.

Viewtiful_Justin said...

Holy lazy work, Batman!

The cakes, I mean...not the blog. You did a phenomenal job while Jen is recuperating. Wish her well for us!

Anonymous said...

Ah three amigos references. That movie is just confusing weird in places.

'Good night Ned.'

Oh, and those donuts remind me of an ink blot test. Its a flying fish i think. what do you see?

kingmonkey said...

I don't know why, but I really want one of those cupcakes.

By the way, the song lyric goes "you've got another think comin'".

a l'ouest said...

best whishes of recovery for Jen.

On a side note, my 6-years old just saw the red and blue... arrow (??) and commented : "Oh, a crayon!"

A patriotic crayon, Kiddo. I hope this cake tastes better than Crayola, but I somehow doubt it.

Anonymous said...

Hope Jen's feeling better, but John is a great fill-in. I appreciate his restraint when talking about the, er, fire cracker. I must admit that I love the word "splooging" but have one question...is that a hard 'g' or a soft 'g' sound........soft 'g'sounds so onomatopoetic, but hard 'g' sounds just as funny....

Lydia said...

Hope you feel better soon, Jen!

Renee said...

John: thanks so much for filling in today. You did Jen proud.

Jen: I do hope you're up and running around soon so you can beat that hubby of yours. ;) just kidding. Do feel better soon though.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, John, for feeding our passion for wreckage during Jen's recovery. (Feel better soon, Jen!) Have a great fourth!

SusanJ said...

I just fell over your site by accident - and I have kept the address with 'keep forever' next to it! Laugh? Oh the joy!! Having had few ... er .. little problem cakes myself and fighting yesterday with a baby on my granddaughther's christening cake (looked like the 'dead alien baby from hell - I HAD to remove it...!) seeing these disasters - has really put it all in perspective!! Thank you for making me laugh so much ... and keep up the good work!!

Breath-e said...

John, I'm impressed with your ability to step up to the plate and bat one in for the team here. Jen, He's a keeper (if you didn't already know.) Love the last "cake" Does that decorator do bachelorette party cakes usually?

Kelly said...

Just as great as Jen. Hope she heals well today. Cause I am sure you'll be cracking that whip tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Hope Jen is feeling better.

I must agree with Doug D-- "splooge" and food do not belong together (and it's not a word you want your kids to start using at school). Though if you were going to use the word with any of the cakes, I would have expected it to be the last one, which looks like it's capable of producing it's own frosting splooge.

Anonymous said...

What on earth is wrong with the traditional blueberry-starred, strawberry-slice-striped, cream-cheese-icing-frosted flag cake? Delicious and hard to wreck!

P.S. I hope to see you up and Wrecking soon, Jen!

Anonymous said...

Feel better soon Jen!

Jessie said...

OOo hi John!!!!
and Jen hope you feel better hon.
and the cakes
oh...thats horrible

Anonymous said...

Typo: 'think coming' not 'thing coming' - total pet peeve. Put it on a cake!

Liz said...

Laughing so hard today!
You don't have any St George's Day wrecks to compare and contrast? No... No!?! What a shame...

Anonymous said...

You've got another thing coming? Did you really just go there? The cakes were hilarious but that line put this post way over the top! Heh heh heh I will be laughing all day

Anonymous said...

Oh. John. I usually laugh with Jen's posts, but I laughed HARD today! Hope Jen is healed up post-haste.

And John if you THINK you're gonna make her cook dinner tonight, you've got another THINK comin'!

Madame Hook. said...

Fantastic 3 Amigos quote if I do say so myself. I try and use that movie and Big Trouble in Little China quotes in my everyday life...just makes it so much better!

Hope Jen recovers quickly!

just another jen said...

Great job on the subbing, John, and feel better vibes to Jen. }}}}}}}}}}} (vibes, can't you just feel 'em?)

Judy said...

@ Anonymous:re: Typo: 'think coming' not 'thing coming' - total pet peeve. Put it on a cake!

I totally agree! My big pet peeve on is: "We've got to nip that in the 'butt'" (Should be nip it in the 'bud')

WV: Misti - "Play Misti for me"

Zitny Clan said...

Wishing you a speedy recovery Jen!!!

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Wow,

I suppose "think" is right. But, you have to admit it's kinda stupid. Shouldn't it be "you've got another thought coming?" I mean you don't have a stray think right?

Stupid English language.

john

Amy said...

The donuts make me want to throw up. And that phallic "firecracker" is just too funny!
~Amy B.

wv: imill "Im ill from seeing those donuts."

Dani said...

Awww cumon druged out posts are awesome

Christina M. said...

I'm going to take a wild guess that the ten states depicted in stars on the first cake were the only ten states willing to adopt this particular flag?

Jen, glad you're getting some downtime. Hope everyone has a good 4th!

Erin said...

Jen - Have a speedy recovery!

That last "arrow" cake (keeping it clean here :P) reminds me of the Mome Raths from Alice in Wonderland...the ones that form and arrow that point her to the path here they are (skip to 2:55)

I loved that movie!

~Erin

wundermary said...

Wow, I really like the phallic firecracker!

Also, have to agree with anon. here; Rob Halford also got it wrong. But, it is "...you've got another think coming."

Take it easy and feel better soon, Jen!

TMI ALERT! TMI ALERT! TMI ALERT!
READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK!

BTW, mine was refered to as either Carrie or Caligula, depending on how it was behaving that day...

Caroline said...

Haha! Family friendly except for the word "splooge"!!

Anonymous said...

uh, John...a little too graphic on the CCC spit.

CorningNY said...

About that last cake...THAT'S the kind of celebrating I'd like to do on the Fourth of July....who needs fireworks when you're making your own?

madrobins said...

It's noble of you to step up to the plate, John. Thank you.

Jen, if you can read this, you need more pain meds! Get well as fast as possible...

mamagotcha said...

Might wanna rethink the use of "splooge" in this post. You're gonna get all kinds of hits that, perhaps, you weren't looking for...

Anonymous said...

"Stupid English language."

That's why you always say,

"if you think this, then you've got another think coming" with a Southern Accent. it just sounds better.

Lynn said...

Glad to hear Jen came thru O.K. Happy recovery LOL

Oh, NO !

All that food coloring just makes me sick...along with the plastic junk, tinsel and sprinkles on top !

I also wonder just how fresh (or not) those cupcakes are under all that frosting...ewwwww...

joyce said...

Hope you get to feeling better soon, Jen. And thank you John for being so supportive. We love your blog. I show it to all our visitors.

Today I am 53. And laughing at your witty posts just adds icing to the cake of my day! (smooth butter cream icing, or maybe chocolate. nothing red or blue, thank you)

Bonnie the Beautiful said...

The last one cracked me up the most! Get well soon Jen, you're husband is funny too ;)

Anonymous said...

While at the store yesterday my 9 year old brother was just commenting on how he hadn't seen doughnuts like that yet this year, and how he wanted one. I guess it's all in the age.

CrazyPeopleIveWorkedWith said...

C'mon...you can do dinner....that's why God made microwaves! ;)

Hope the recovery is going well and some good pharmaceuticals are involved!

www.crazypeopleiveworkedwith.com

grimperspective said...

M'Kay...I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say that last cake is an arrow saying, "Happy 4th of July that-a-way, cuz there sho ain't no happy over here at this 'cake', nu-uh." Or perhaps the "arrow" is a sort of diversionary tactic meant to get you to look away from the "cake" so you don't actually realize how strongly it does not resemble a cake or anything remotely edible. Yup, that sounds good.

And speedy recovery to Jen!

Anonymous said...

Ahh...phallic patriotic rockets. Summarizes America nicely, dontcha think?

I kid, I kid!!!

Annie said...

Feel better Jen! and who wouldn't want a phalic 4th cake? doesn't it just scream America? (yes sarcasm...and maybe a little political feeling)

Anonymous said...

Feel better soon Jen!

Anonymous said...

The sans-a-hole radioactive donuts do not induce me to salute, no.

To the Anon who berates our "stupid English language" is either being limp tongued sarcastic or is a non-native speaker who resents the meme. Whatever, dude.

I check this site every night before I go to bed, because it makes me giggle.

Happy 4th of July to America! Our Marines in Afghanistan are on my mind and in my heart these days.

Jen, speedy recovery to you!

-A.

Jenn said...

Feel better Jen. Good job John my fav is the CCC(feh) that looks like a bloated gallbladder. Happy 4th!
Jenn

Debbi said...

Feel better, Jen! Great post, John. I agree you'd better rethink using the word "splooge." I just googled it. Yikes!

Have lots of Darvocet, Jen! And Happy 4th!

G.H. said...

Brilliant. Love the last one.
Happy 4th. Hope everyone is feeling better.


http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/

Glory von Hathor said...

They all just make me think of Papa Smurf.

Best wishes to the Missus innards.

Gladys said...

Okay, firstly, please excuse Pedantic Music Geek, who is apparently guest-commenting for Gladys today.

Formal-English-language-abiding statement: "You've got another thought coming."

Colloquialism, per common use: "You've got another think coming."

Per Judas Priest, from their 1982 album Screaming For Vengeance, title of track #8, and which John was clearly referencing: "You've Got Another Thing Comin' (via JudasPriest.com

:::Gladys thwacks Pedantic Music Geek upside the head, forcing her out of the computer chair, and silently prays that P.M.G. at least remembered to close all her HTML tags:::

My apologies; she gets loose sometimes, no matter how deadbolt locks I put on her cage door.

Now, to cakes: John, I'm jealous--can I just say I have only once even DATED a man who would so much as bring me a can of Pepsi when I was sick? So you, my friend, clearly fall into the category of "full of win and awesome". I must, however, take umbrage at the following:

Remember the days when decorators would at least try to make a CCC (hwok...hwok...snort...ptooie!) look like something?

Apparently you've missed the latest trend in nationalist CCC (ptui!) creation: the 2009 "Amoebas Are Patriots Too!" initiative--to which, I submit, this brave Wreckerator and his team of flying squirrels have made a most-honorable contribution indeed.

I am happy to have been able to assist in enlightening you today.

(Seriously, though, to Jen: I hope you're feeling better and that the whatever-it-was-you-had-done-to-your-girlybits makes whatever-your-symptoms-were go away and never return. Enjoy those Darvo's, and we'll be waiting for your next Wreckorative post!)

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Gladys,

That was awesome.

john

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer, Crazy Woman said...

Wow - the last one. Just wow. And hope you are feeling better soon! Happy 4th!

Katrina said...

Breath-e, who asked if the creator of the last cake usually makes Bachelorette party cakes made me cringe at the thought of a Bachelorette CCC and what else that might include.

I've been a faithful reader of this blog for about 6 months, and it's not without it's side effects. I'm hosting a bridal shower this month and am terrified at even the THOUGHT of trying to order a cake.

Anonymous said...

very nice, john!
hope you get to feeling better soon, jen! :(


btw, did you notice you spelled donuts two different ways? (donuts and doughnuts)

...just thought that was strangely interesting! hah

Julie in Arlington Texas said...

My mother used to make a birthday cake for the USA every July 4th.We would all make bets as to how long it would take for the icing to completely melt off the cake at the cookout. You are in my thoughts, Jen.

Rebecca F. said...

You said "splooged".

Ha ha ha!

*ahem* Great post John and feel better soon Jen!

Bald Celeb Outing said...

haha there are some scary cakes out there!

newsjunkie said...

Hope Jen is feeling better and back to full blogging speed soon!

DangGina said...

I think I'm totally turned off to cake now. I never LOVED cake anyway, but, really...who would want to eat anything on here? (I'm not ripping on the the blog! I love your blog and can't wait for your book to get published and show up on my doorstep!)

lauren aka mlpieters said...

thanks jon for not letting us down. wreck on my friend. wreck on.

The Muffin Man said...

10-foot pole? I wouldn't touch that last cake with a 10-INCH pole.

Kaybee said...

Love you guys!!!! Feel better on the couch there, woman. Don't believe him about dinner....I hope. lol LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!

Scritzy said...

Awesome stuff, John! Kudos!!

Jen, get well soon!

And Happy 4th of July to both of you!

teri said...

nicely done john! get well soon jen!

jen said...

So the phallic cake totally made me think of the old 90210 episode where David & Donna totally got their bid-nez on. And the cake is complete w/ fireworks (I'm assuming those sparkly decorations are supposed to be fire-cracker-ish) and it's own ummm....well, YOU said "splooge" first. (Yep, it's hidden beneath the fire-cracker-ish sparkler thingies).

Hope Jen has a speedy recovery and that her drugs are effective.

Anonymous said...

Get well soon Jen!

Have a happy 4th to all! ;)

Bridget Delaney said...

I don't know if y'all have seen this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cpd6rHIfyA

$500 equivalent??? I think NOT!

Sure, it's cute if you're not good at baking or decorating cakes and want to do something at home with your children or friends, but other than that NO WAY!

Bridget
(aka kagomeshuko)

Anonymous said...

Dear Jen (and Jen's Hubby),

Get well soon.

Also, since I was with the family today order a Cinderella cake, can you feature Unhappily Ever After cakes? You know, when fairy-tale cakes go the way of the brothers Grim(y)?


PS, This may bring cheer to you:
The Walmart baker shot me a dirty look when I told my mom the cake picture looked like a "pile plastic floatsam adrift on a sea of glittery pixey dust and broken dreams...er.. cobblestones."
It didn't help that they had a "cakes we made" album right next to the professional cake catalog.

Don't worry. I'll try to snap a picture and send it if its magically wreckalicious. Party's on the 11th!

OutbackJon said...

Maybe the CCC is supposed to be a firework exploding?

OK, that would take a LOT of imagination, but maybe.

JHalmes said...

First- John you totally ROCK for posting for Jen. Second- I love the
4th and so I wish I had have read this on say, Sunday!
Have a great holiday and feel better soon Jen.

Anonymous said...

Great job on the post, John! I really thought "you've got another THING coming" was deliberate, hilarious, and I intend to use the new and improved expression from now on. It's funnier that way.

I love all the patriotic wreckage, that final uh, "rocket" is mahhhvelous! Lily

Jenny said...

Well. I have to admit as weird/gross/crazy/funny as the cakes are that you post, it's STILL cake! Right...? But yes, there still are a fair few I don't think I could bring myself to eat.

Anonymous said...

The border on that first cake makes it even worse. At first I thought the whole thing had been iced over, but someone removed the icing in the middle. And that the icing had left stains.

I hope Jen feels better soon!

Mr Iron Chef said...

All i can say is you are very patiotic! great job!

Mira8 said...

John, what a sweetie you are to post for Jen. Take good care of our girl, ok?

Anonymous said...

I totally get the patriotic CCC - it's a firework display! And the blue overspray.....the lingering smoke!!

Melissa (& Billy) said...

I fear the donuts. D=

The 'rocket', oh my. Just...no. I'd rather have the simple but tasteful white swirly cupcakes with a sparkly pick stuck in them than that...thing.

The top cake actually wasn't that bad--looked halfway decent, compared to the CCC (ptooi!) Whoa. THAT was bad.

Ah, well. I love the USA and all its wreckiness!

Anonymous said...

hey Jen! I have some cake riding punk baby nudists that want to be on your blog:


http://www.flickr.com/photos/kavingate/3055524864/

LaurenH said...

The word 'splooge' makes me giggle (that's the part of me that's still a 10-year-old boy...despite the fact that I never WAS a 10-year-old boy!) I like that you used it multiple times :)

celestialcakes said...

Grocery store cakes are so depressing. I used to work at Publix, and my cakes NEVER EVER EVER looked like that. EVER. It's so sad that my fellow grocery-store employees didn't take the same care....

Shell said...

hey jon -
This post was extra funny because in some circles "splooge" is slang for...uh...a type of male bodily fluid. If you already knew that: Dude! Do not put "splooge" and "cake" in the same sentence again! Yes, it's funny, but still. :-)

Allanna said...

I think that my three-year-old son aptly summed up the last image in his statement of "Candy garbage."

Kate said...

I think that the first one may actually be a Jasper Johns tribute cake. I like to think that.