Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Considering the Uterus

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Warning: Impending TMI of a medical nature. (In case the title didn't already clue you in.)

Tomorrow I will have the dubious pleasure of having the insides of my uterus cauterized. In honor of the occasion, we could take a look at the uterus in all its glory and learn from the wonders of the human body.

OR...

We could take a look at what other women order when they get their lady-bits worked on. After all, I could use a little inspiration.


(Yeah, I like option "B" better, too.)



This woman nicknamed her baby bag "Tilly", and then ordered it a farewell cake, like so:


Hm. Not a bad idea, really. Of course, coming up with just the right nickname for your internal organs can be a mixed bag - er, no pun intended. Plus, I'd have to give mine a guy's name, since I refuse to believe any female would inflict such horrors on another. So...The McCramper? Sweeney Todd? Sir-Clumps-A-Lot? I'm open to suggestions, obviously.

Elizabeth made this nifty Operation cake for her mom, who was feeling kinda down about an impending hysterectomy:

Elizabeth writes, "My friends said I should have made a driver's license with her picture and changed the F to an M, but since I didn't want her to kill herself, I just made this."

Good call, Elizabeth. Having the cake recipient collapse in a sobbing heap can be such a killjoy. Far better to take the more chipper, Pollyanna-ish route:

Although there is the possibility that wishing someone a "happy" hysterectomy could lead to a different kind of meltdown: Anyone remember Wendi Aaron's famous "Happy Period" rant at Always maxi pads? If not, and you don't mind a little language, you should check it out.

Here's my favorite line:

"...there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory."

Ah, which of us hasn't been there, eh, ladies? Or are there right now? ("Husband!! Bring me more Kahlua!!")


Some women obviously have a better relationship with their bits than I do, though:

Friends? Friends?!?
("Husband!! I mean it!!")



Now granted, I'm not having Sir-Clumps-A-Lot removed tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I'm any less apprehensive about the anesthesia and the whole, you know, cauterizing thing. So if any of you have some spare well wishes to send my way, the doctor's way, the Almighty's way, etc., I'd sure appreciate it.


Oh, and for the most realistic-looking (ie shiiiny) uterus cake yet, check out Debbie's here.


Thanks to Wreckporter Hall-of-Famer Monique R. for finding the last three.


UPDATE:
For all of you asking if vasectomy cakes will be next: Been there, done that. :D

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terrib said...

Had the ol' uterus cauterized last October 27th. I haven't had the cramps or mess since then and I am in heaven. Good luck and the first month you don't have McCrampers, celebrate. And think about all the vacations and holidays that won't be ruined by an unexpected visit from 'the curse."

Juniper said...

I'll share the story of the cauterizing of my cervix. Anything to do with "down there" in a medical setting is scary all by its lonesome. When you involve a SMOKE MACHINE... yeah... kinda takes it to a whole new level. When you have NINE people in the room and none of them are there by your choosing... yeah... whole new level. When one of the five nurses whispers to one of the other nurses "Are you going to hold her hand or should I?"... When the one who's holding your hand turns to you with REALLY BIG eyes and says "This is going to HURT"... new level.

Now, with that said, I'll tell you: it barely hurt. I wouldn't even really apply the word hurt. Mild to medium discomfort. ENORMOUS humiliation at being spread-eagle in a room full of strangers inhaling the scent of my burning lady-bits.

Oh... one more... when the nurse chases you down the hall after you've left the office to say "I forgot to mention no sex for two weeks"... when she says it in front of your FATHER... sheesh.

I have no idea how different your procedure will be from mine, but I am sure you will handle whatever comes your way with humor :) And that makes everything better. Since you are EXTRA funny, I'm extra sure you'll get through it with flying colors.

mhb said...

Wow - the comments are sounding a lot like a "lady-bits-procedure" support group. I think this could mean:

A) Women - especially women with difficult cycles - like cake,

B) A lot of people like you, or

C) All of the above.

I vote C, and am hoping for the best for you tomorrow.

Chanel M. said...

Best of luck and thank you for sharing! I myself have endometriosis and PCOS so I am well aware of uterine and ovarian woes. I'd love to post this on my support network's blog, endosucks.wordpress.com. Would that be OK? Thanks again for all you do!

- Chanel
Endo Sucks! founder

Alicia said...

My mom had the exact same thing done several years back when she was having some ultra heavy menopausal bleeding. As far as I know, it was a simple procedure, and better yet, it worked. It got rid of her bleeding and she was able to avoid a hysterectomy, which was her goal. I hope you also have perfect, satisfactory results!

Rachel said...

Good luck Jen. I'll have a good thought for you.

Anonymous said...

Just came across your blog last week via a Facebook link. Good luck with the procedure tomorrow.

I use lots of alternative non-toxic support items - my favorite for people in emotional stress of any kind is Bach Flower remedies. Especially the blend "Rescue Remedy". Also suggest you look into Maya abdominal massage. Truly an interesting self-healing technique.

Keep on with your humor. The world needs it and I thank you sincerely for your dedication to this site.

Faith said...

I never named my lady bits, so there was no need for a farewell cake when I had my hysterectomy (and best wishes for you tomorrow--I felt awesome after I had mine done). However, when I had a biopsy on my breast a couple of years ago, one of my friends said she hated coming up and asking how the boob was. So the left one is Roger and the right one is Victor. And they're both well.

Shannon said...

I'm sure my mother would have been very pleased (or horrified, same thing) to have received such a cake when she had her uterus removed.

And the potential, no matter how small, to receive such cakes might be enough to convince me not to have my own removed.

And when the Doctor asks me why not, I'll send him here.

Sophie said...

That third cake definitely looks like it says "Happy Hipsterectomy" to me. Which can only be a good thing; those hipsters are taking over the streets, sometimes you just have to put down the skinny jeans and say "no more."

Good wishes for your procedure, though they're coming a little late, I think.

Teresa said...

Good luck tomorrow! I had two laparoscopies and you'll really like Mrs. Clumps-a-lot much more after you're done. Plus, they gave my husband pictures after the surgery was done! I guess you could always have them made into a fibroids cake or an ovarian cysts cake or an endometriosis cake. MMMMMMM...cake.

G said...

Been there done that on the cauterization. There are DEFINITE perks to it :D A speedy recovery to you.

OH and the cakes... ummm... What I have to say wouldn't be PG-13!

Barb said...

I had the ablation myself in 2005 and it was a very good thing. I'll hold a good thought for you.

sendingtheclowns said...

Yikes! I knew SOMETHING was up when I saw that there were over 200 comments (got here late)!
See how much everyone loves you, sweetie? You have a world of cheerleadrers at your feet!
It's pointless to say "Don't worry" and junk like that--you can't NOT be nervous. This too shall pass (yada yada). DO try to have someone with you (preferably wielding a video cam) when you first come out of the anaesthesia, though-- THAT'S when the fun part starts.
Everyone I've known who's been knocked out for anything is a real hoot coming out--myself included. Seems that there's a lot of silliness, talking a lot without making much (any) sense, being hysterically funny--well, people are giggling at everything you mutter--and so on and so forth!
Like taking a trip without leaving the farm...
Get plenty of rest. >^zz^<
TAKE the MEDS.>^QQ^<
Make people wait on you.
Milk it for all it's worth.
And hurry back--we all need our Wreckfix!

Angie said...

You know, I certainly wasn't in tears about the idea of losing the uterus. (BTW, Sweeney Todd seems like a very appropriate name.) But it never crossed my mind that a cake would be appropriate for the occasion!

michelle t said...

Jen, love Cake Wrecks. I hardly ever comment though. Wanted to wish you best of luck tomorrow. The ablation is a little uncomfortable and then you may sleep alot tomorrow and then your're completely back to normal within a week. My ablation didn't work so had a total hysterectomy 6 mos. later. Painful but the best thing ever.

Mira8 said...

prayers for you, Jen.

Anonymous said...

Jen - best of luck! My friend had the boiling balloon procedure done and LOVED it! Here's wishing you a speedy recovery. Many, many thanks for all the laughs! (PS. Can I tell you this is the first time I've ever left a comment on blog? That's how much you mean to me!). Maybe they can put the kaluha in your IV drip? Mmmmmm...
Best wishes, Abby M.

unstoppable.zanmato said...

No period for the last 12 years. Nor period ever again!!

I am so jealous. ;-;

Where is my lack of periods and abundance of delicious alcoholic drinks!

Calantha said...

Good luck Jen! I hope there's a cake, or some sort of sugary treat, waiting for you when you go home.

Hope said...

I had that procedure done three weeks, and you'll do fine.

Anonymous said...

Best wishes for a safe procedure and speedy recovery! Anyone else find it disconcerting how many young women suffer from "lady problems" these days?
Charlene

Willow Tree said...

I forgot how funny the maxi pad letter was. Cried, I laughed so hard. I just had the same procedure you're having - you will be so happy. After. 2 weeks after. Charge up the laptop and the remote and get ready to surf. It caught me by surprise how I really needed to recover that first week. I believe my exact words to my doc were, "um... I think I underestimated the brochure." Keep up the great work, love your blog.

Blessings,
Carolynn

Saria said...

my boss had it done and she looooves that she had it done.

debbie does cakes said...

good luck Jen! sounds like cause for celebration to me!
hugs!
Debbie
(Debbie does cakes)

Jen said...

Long time reader, first time commenter. Love your blog: pics and commentary. I've recommended many. One, just today, who will find this post particularly funny. But let me just say: WHAT. THE. HELL??? who makes a cake for their upcoming hysterectomy? I mean, seriously!

Gladys said...

Jenster--Good luck! My girlybits are still intact and largely inocuous; however, since we're discussing events relating to the lady areas: nearly every female I know--friends, coworkers, acquaintances--is now expecting, complete with morning sickness, inverse bellybuttons, stretch marks, and bizarre non-cake-based food cravings. And I gotta tell you, the childbearing? Would be my second choice, if I had to choose; for one thing, when you have a baby they generally don't hook you up to the morphine pump, which is in itself a whole new level of Happy.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow--hang in there, you'll do fine, and probably get AT LEAST one hilarious story out of it.

Lisa said...

Good luck tomorrow; we'll all be thinking of you. Though I can't speak from personal experience, it certainly seems like you have many fellow "sisters" who have had positive experiences with this procedure. I wish you the best.

WV: quami Don't have any quami over the procedure; you'll be just fine.

Christie said...

Best of luck to you. Hope you're back making us cackle (almost wrote cakele) soon! :D

Kristy said...

OMG, Sir Clumps Alot, I think I just peed myself a little! Hilarious!

Care said...

As someone who loves to make cakes, I found your site by accident and became a fan of the cakes. Then I came to truly love the cleverness of your words and those of your followers. I always seem to notice how many comments are posted, and today is only the second time we've had to go to the second page (yes, crazy Food Challange lady). From funny cakes, to Creative Writing class inspiration, today this became a place of beauty as the empathy and support evolved all day and evening. Not only are you enjoyed, you have become loved. Your cakes and your humor have become a part of my life, a daily dose of joy I look forward to. Up until now, I've lurked - but today I was compelled to comment. Be blessed. Care

Amy said...

This is hands down one of your funniest blog posts EVER.....

Good luck tomorrow and I hope your recovery is easy and fast!

Anonymous said...

Good luck! I had an ablation done last March and I've been so happy since.

It did result in some interesting stories however - such as the fact that I started singing while under. Or coughed and had instruments "shoot out."

I forgot about how funny that letter was. Thanks for the reminder! Love your site!

Jessy said...

Jen, Prayers and happy thoughts headed your direction! Hope to have you recovered and back at it soon!

Wolvie Girl said...

I laughed so hard at this one, and really loved your naming idea. I thought that "Freddy Krueger" or "Nosferatu" might be nice bloodthirsty names. Or does anyone know of any werewolf names? I think I need one for mine, considering that once a month, usually round the full moon, is when my hormones turn me into a ravening bloodthirsty beast.

Strange Angel said...

GOOD LUCK!

My mother had what she called a "slash and burn" done years back.. she was happier for having had it done.

Sharon Rose said...

I'm sending some good healing mojo your way! Don't forget that a good acupuncturist can do AMAZING things with regard to taming crazy hormones.
*hugs!*

Anonymous said...

Best wishes on you procedure, wow, that is a weird thing to say, but I mean it , really!! And the uterus cakes are soooo great!! Love them, and of course you and your fabulous blog!!

caronae said...

good luck with your uterus cauterizing. I'm not sure if that's how one phrases it, but yeah...wishing you well!

Uncle Tilly said...

I knew someone who dreaded her monthly visit from "Aunt Tilly with the red hair." I wonder if that's what "Goodbye Tilly" means.

QuiteLight said...

More power to you! I rain blessings on your Kahlua-filled head.

Seriously, I wish you the smoothest of surgeries & a swift & easy recovery.

Thanks for all the laughs!

Jen said...

Hope all goes well today!

AlisonM said...

IMO, you should have just gone for the whole enchilada. I had everything taken out exactly two weeks ago, and was off pain medication by day three. I have to limit my activity and sleep a lot, but OMG!!!!! The back pain that has plagued me for almost 20 years vanished. My left leg no longer feels like there's a rod running up my inner thigh, and it no longer falls asleep from lack of circulation. My skin has cleared up. Happy hysterectomy, indeed!

BTW, my bits would have been perfect for a CCC - cupcakes of all different sizes, stacked on each other, turned sideways, off to the side and connected by a thick trail of icing. . .nobody would be grossed out because it would look nothing like a uterus. It would be a fabulous Wreck, though!

Abby said...

Hope the surgery went well! I wanted that same surgery and then my OBGYN said, "Yeah, but you know it's not permanent, right? You'd have to have it done every five years and there's no evidence it works better the second time you do it." WELL GREAT. So I opted out. Hope yours works OK for you.

The musishian said...

I'm sure we are scaring all the men away, but I am super-glad that women feel comfortable to talk about their bodies and medical procedures with other women.

It wasn't too long ago this stuff was considered taboo and one was made to feel embarrased about it.

So yay for the Internet, even though there's that whole risk of TMI. It's better than NMI (not much information).

Jennifer said...

congrats!! i hope everything goes swimmingly and you recover quick!

i was snipped (well, Essure, actually) 3 years ago and it was the greatest thing i've ever done!

ps: now i'm sad i never got a uterus cake :(

Kathlyn said...

Had this procedure a few years ago, and life got much better. I'm holding a good thought for you!

Kathlyn

ML said...

Had my cauterization in January & am loving it!! Gyn calls me a Pantiliner Princess. Highly recommend this procedure (on a Thursday, thoug so you can claim to need a 4 day weekend for recovery. I only really needed 2 days)

Anonymous said...

I'm waiting for the WV to be patooie! right now it's "reststa", so I guess that means you need to rest & stay in bed....

I also appreciate that the WV is handicapped accessible!

Anonymous said...

Hope all goes well. I had the same thing a year ago and it wasn't that bad. A good excuse to lay in bed and take pain pills for a day or two.

Christine said...

these are way better than the vasectomy cakes!
I like the Operation game one the best.

Anonymous said...

To "Anonymous" who said this: "anyone who doesn't think a hysterectomy is the happiest time of their life hasn't had one". I beg to differ. I had an emergency hyst (due to hemorrhage)right after the birth of my baby last year. It has been tough. Please think before you "speak". Sorry to put a damper on this. I just thought that one comment was unfair.

Valued Sony Customer said...

I had an endometrial ablation two years ago, and while mine had complications (apparently I inherited the family pre-disposition for blood clots), the ablation has been wonderful. What used to be horrible days of pain and heavy bleeding are now days when I almost need a panty liner for light spotting. It's been wonderful. The day of the ablation really kind of sucked, but the pain went away by the next day. I would have been right as rain by the end of the week if it weren't for my dad's little genetic gift. Good luck, and don't worry, mine was a 1 in 1000+ scenario. Yours won't be, and the end result is just wonderful!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, I'm a day late & a dollar short, but my excuse is that I'm an O.R. nurse & pretty tired when I get home from work.

I wanted to wish you the best of luck to you during surgery. I don't know which hospital you'll be going to, but I'm sure you'll be in great hands. :-) I absolutely love your blog...!

~Kristyn

Anonymous said...

I haven't been here in a while -- the last thing I looked at was the cakes for baby showers, and you seemed abjectly horrified particularly with the fact that a woman might be naked while giving birth... so I'm surprised to see that you're sharing this incredibly personal information, because I'd written you off as a total prude. But it looks like cake has worked its magic: ignorance and fear has been swept away by knowledge of the crumb!

medrecgal said...

Best of luck with this surgery, Jen...and wishes for a speedy recovery. I found this post oddly, poignantly hilarious as it happened not more than a week after I was told by my own doc that I have an obnoxiously large fibroid and need to have something done about it. (Symptomatic, unfortunately....can't just leave it alone.) Since that time I've heard a boatload of stories from all directions, and these cakes were a strangely slanted, wet-your-pants funny look at a body part that can be both awesome and troublesome. As always, you managed to make me laugh!

Elizabeth said...

Hope all went well. I have had my ladybits fiddled with under a general anaesthetic too, not exactly fun but OK. The obstetrician kindly offered to take photos of the inside of my uterus while she was there and was a bit put out that neither I nor my husband really wanted any. It's all survivable, hope you get a damned good cake to help post-op recovery!

Eeels said...

My sister just sent me this -- hope it went well yesterday.

Am I the only one who saw the first episode of "Blossom" during the '90s? Girl whose mom has left her w/a dad & 2 brothers gets her first period, feels weird because there's no woman to talk to about it. Dreams that Phyllicia Rashad (sp.) comes to play mom for the occasion. PR presents her with a cake and gives her the whole You're a Woman Now and Here's How Your Ladybits Work lecture, drawing the classic uterus-and-fallopian-tube diagram on the cake in icing as she does so. Girl greatly comforted. Wish I had the video!

Angel H. said...

Grateful that it never occurred to me to give my mom a Happy Hysterectomy cake.

Lisa said...

On behalf of my husband, we wish to thank you for this timely post. After all, how else would he have entertained his mother-in-law (yes, my mother) for 42 long minutes while they waited for me to return home. You always want to sit on the couch next to your in-laws in search of entertainment and find iced replicas of female anatomy. It's one of those moments you'll cherish forever.

Hey, "mom," do you remember when we looked at uterus cakes together? That uncomfortable silence was so fun! Let's do that again sometime.

(Seriously, I rather liked returning home to see them both squirming in anguish over whether to just be grown-ups and snicker at the jokes or to pretend that they hadn't just stared at sugary cervixes. It made me laugh!)

Sr. Mina, BSP said...

I'll be praying for you.

As for the cakes...seriously...there's some things that should not be caked nor celebrated. I don't think I'll ever understand the "happiness" women say they have because of this awful procedure.

I've known too many women that aren't happy with it; for any one of the following reasons for a combination...

Forced into it by the husband/boyfriend/family

Forced into it by the doctor or fear for their own life

The procedure entirely messed up/destroyed her body

They wanted more children after all

Any other reasons I can't remember right off the hop. I seriously understand if health is a reason why this procedure is done, but it should be very seriously and gravely considered, not rushed into. Surgery is a very serious thing and you want to try to avoid changing anything your Potterer/nature/(insert your ideals here) crafted for you.

Lauren T. said...

Hope all went well, Jen. I have a bleeding disorder and my doc wants to freeze the lining of my uterus when I'm "finished with [my] family", so I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one considering No More Periods EVER. :)

Meg said...

OH MY!! I AM loving this one!

Susan M. Bell said...

I'm new to your blog and this posting got me so hooked. I had a complete hysterectomy almost two years ago, after much misdiagnosing and putting off by y doctor, and had to deal with the idea of no children at all for me. (Not that being pregnant was ever that appealing anyway.) Anyhoo, I wish I had thought about this goodbye uterus cake thing back then. Would have been so fun, although the hubby probably would have been a bit grossed out. ;-)

Great blog.

Jodi said...

I just found your blog (thanks twitter!) and have annoyed my husband no end by laughing hysterically and making him read what I've just snotted myself over. Am having the whole burn-your-uterus-in-hopes-of-no-more-monthly-misery myself on Wednesday, so I now feel that we are bonded on a personal level and would be total BFFs if we ever met in person (don't go rushing out for the restraining order yet, because I've got lots of children to take care of and I'm inherently lazy, so really you can relax). Thanks for your completely hilarious work. Please never stop!!

Nulono said...

Wait, so do you have cancer or something?

K J SHENOY said...

I was trying to find what is the American brand of humor(also spelling, and I find a classic example here.Mine is more British in the mould of P G Wodehouse.
I intend to read all posts in the "Vake Wrecks". Cool.
s/d http://drkjshenoy.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

As I am lead to understand it, the last cake may, in fact, be from an "Abortion Party", thrown by a young woman to pay for her abortion (this is, at least, the story going around the web at present, including on CNN.com, I am not speaking to the veracity)... just a rather different occasion.

One incidence of the story, with a photo of the same cake, at: http://jezebel.com/5310135/dude-makes-abortion-party-all-about-dudes

Tilly of Silly said...

My User name is not pleased with the first pic. In fact it feels very unpleased. And since when do usernames have feelings? must go ponder that.....

Sharon said...

Thinking of you tomorrow - hope the op solves all problems (well, not global-warming, obviously).

Anonymous said...

People made these? Seriously????

Haiku Joy said...

How often do chicks
demand liquor, rifle, stat?
Periodically.

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