Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Yes, my friends, the time draws nigh: a season of love, joy, peace, goodwill towards those who think the same way you do - why, I can almost feel the warm fuzzies building towards critical mass as I type. Won't you join me in a moment of fuzzy-basking?

[basking] Mmmm.

Ok, enough of that. On to the Wreckage!

Now, while schools and religious and community organizations the world over strive to celebrate all the goodness of the season, bakeries are fighting back the only way they know how: with an unfolding drama of tragedy, anger, and mutation - right there among the rye and pumpernickel.

First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace:

See, I know this is a fireplace (and not Mount Vesuvius) because it says "Fireplace" on the cake board. [tapping temple] I'm "smaht" like that.

Next let's meet some of the characters featured in this month's tale of Christmas*-gone-wrong:

Ah, here we have the Ghost of Reindeers Past, obviously rendered by a Salvador Dali enthusiast. The gaping hole where his nose used to be reminds us of the fragility of life; the melting ears of how rarely we stop to listen; and the giant red spooge of...uh... how we should always use a napkin after eating? Yeah, let's go with that.

Next there's Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster:

He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches.

Oh, and let's not forget the Turdaphants:
These harbingers of Christmas "cheer" are perpetually puckered up, the better to suck your spirit dry with.

And finally, there's the Big Guy himself:

He just hasn't been the same since he lost his nose in that unfortunate sledding accident. Oh, and best not to let on that you can tell his beard is fake; that's how Rudolph got his trick knee.

Thanks to today's casting agents: Jennifer E., Carly O., Heidi A., Laura F., and Khara K!

* Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make "Christmas" look good. :)
Rebecca. said...

Are the round, scary things with the pretzel ears supposed to be Rudolph??

Are the red dollops that you thought were mouths actually red bulbs on the end of a horrid brown nose??

firedog said...

I swear that Dali Reindeer is a leftover easter bunny cake pan! Too funny

Andreanna said...

I didn't see the writing on the first one and I had no idea what it was!

Meg said...

It looks like Snappy is a CCC! Not that he could be anymore frightening, though.

These are unbelieveable!

AppsNChaps said...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."

THAT may be the best line I have ever read, in my humble opinion!!!

Allyson said...

I had to laugh at the turd thingies... wow that was scarey! LOL. As to Christmas being used, well that is one of the holidays at this time of year. And you used Yule as well, so you covered those of us who are more pagan-y. ;) Now we just have to find some Ramadan and Channukah CakeWrecks and we'll be totally covered! *grin*

Jenners said...

I've come across your blog a few time and finally made it here and now I see what all the fuss is about!!!! I'll keep my eyes peeled now... you are a genius!

domino_dreams said...

I think that first one (the dog-reindeer thing) might be an attempt at replicating the dog from How The Grinch Stole Christmas... he was quite an awkward looking dog.

But I'd have to google a picture of that dog to be able to tell.

I can't comment on the scary gingerbread man or the melting santa beard...

I'm Losing It! said...

Those have got to be some of the worst (best) wrecks I've ever seen! Absolutely unbelievable!

Jenn said...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."

Best. Line. EVER.

sues2u2 said...

Okay I can't resist this one on Snappy, the gingerbread man?

"I vill pump you up!"

And that's all I'm going to say!

Momza said...

This post cracked me up! I LOVE that the expectation is set so low for these "decorators" that it makes my small attempts at creativity look better! Thanks for sharing!

LesleMora said...

Even though it says "fireplace", I'm not sure I believe it.

Anonymous said...

When I first scrolled down to that third cake, my first thought was that the black square was there for censoring purpouses.

Becca said...

After reading Rebecca's comment and re-evaluating the picture... I think I might have to agree with her. I think that it might be an attempt at Rudolph. However, it kinda looks like Snuffy from Sesame Street to me... with a ball shoved up his trunk of course.

And all I hear when I look at Santa and his melting beard is the chorus of "An-gry eyes..." (sung to the tune of Hungry Eyes)

Arlynn said...

This is wrong on so many counts, especially the "fireplace" and monster. And ar those supposed to be cupcakes in the shape of a gingerbread man??? No.....

Anonymous said...

I thought the first cake was actually a bunch of leftover turkeys, all piled on each other.

Guess it's been a long day.

Anonymous said...

I love how the little black box on the "gingerbread" man looks like it's covering up his privates. Double-win for that baker!

Penny said...

I think the blue eyed reindeer may also be a CCC. Sure looks like it. Talk about some ugly cakes. As far as being PC...I have no problem calling something what it is....these are obviously Christmas cakes...if they were Hanakah cakes call them that. I am not a fan of everything being a "Holiday cake" so thank you for using the appropriate term.

Jim and Garret said...

Baker 1: What the hell is that?
Baker 2: A fireplace.
Baker 1: Ya better label it.

-Garret-

http://jimandgarret.blogspot.com/

Kelly said...

Why is Santa so angry? I didn't think I was supposed to be scared of him!

Hi Kooky said...

I've looked at a lot of cakes here, but the Turdaphants cake is the first one to really scare me. I didn't realize what they might be until I read Rebecca's comment. Rudolph? Is that you?

Shel said...

"goodwill towards those who think the same way you do"

I think I love you for that line.

Anonymous said...

Egads! The horrors! Fireplace? right! The 'reindeer' actually reminds me of Max, the Grinch's dog, when he ties his ears up to put on the reindeer antlers. And does it have a mouth AND a weird red squiggle? That's one of the strangest things ever. I would think the red squiggle thing would be a nose...but it also has a 'nose'...so anyway you look at it, this animal has an extra appendage on it's face...Or it got a little crazy at the Reindeer Christmas party and has some frosting still on it's face...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."
That CCC may be a huge Fail, but that comment is an Epic WIN!

Turdaphants? Is it bad if I think the cupcake variety is almost cute? I'm sorry I'm sorry....(hang's head in shame then whispers, "but they are")


"On the first day of Cmas Cake Wrecks, Jen brought to me, a reindeer in the shape of a floppy-eared bunny!"

whoohoo! Thus begins the twelve days of Christmas Cake wrecks.

~Bonnie B~

jennykitten76 said...

omg, these wrecks are really wrecktacular this morning :) the dali reindeer - too funny!

how could anyone have a problem with you using the word christmas? you're not excluding anyone - you're just referencing the holiday you like this season :) I'm sure you'd be quick to post ramadan or kwanzaa cakes too :) I'll keep a look out...

Mari said...

Oh my, these are unrecognizable! And how are the turdaphants related to Christmas exactly?

I am so confused...
and a little scared...
hold me...

CraftyChefGraphics said...

I can just hear the gears turning when the baker got done with the fireplace: ("Crap, I better write "Fireplace" somewhere so they know what it is")

Har-har-har! What a great crop o' cakes!

The Tildy Spot said...

These "cakes" are absolutely amazing to me. I can't believe that a "professional" baker would sell these to anyone!

ruby42 said...

I would love to leave a witty comment right here, but I am speechless.

Santa looks like he vomited his beard off. Which, incidentally, I feel like doing now after seeing "Snappy." Wow. I believe the term I am looking for is "Hot. Ghetto. Mess."

And, that fireplace? No words will come.....

beth said...

I thought the second one was a dog with a messed-up nose, sticking out his tongue. Still a wreck, but not quite as wreckish as a reindeer.

phillygirl64 said...

The 'gingerbread man' looks like some one tried to strangle him...

Thanks to Cake Wrecks, I don't know if I can ever look at chocolate frosting the same way again...

Anonymous said...

Wait - I thought Frosty was the one who melted, not Santa!

Anonymous said...

The first one looks like a turkey had a run in with a transport truck.

Anonymous said...

Did you note that the Dali Reindeer is a CCC? 'Cause it just makes the cake even more unpalatable... :)
-Johanna

Wendy said...

Why would you hesitate to use "Christmas" when you're talking about Christmas-themed cakes? Presumably you wouldn't use it to describe wrecks related to other holidays. Don't buy into this whole "War on Christmas" crap. The only attacks on Christmas are when things that are ACTUALLY Christmas (like, you know, a decorated fir tree) are deemed to be "not Christmas". (Now, there's nothing inherently "Christmas" about greeting someone, and there's nothing insulting about "happy holidays".)

Dave and Catherine said...

Way to go using "Christmas!" Keep it up!

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."

I haven't bought a Cake Wrecks shirt yet. If this one becomes available, I'm in!!

As for the first cake, I'm mildly disappointed there weren't any chestnuts roasting on that fire (at least I don't THINK there were). I would love to see what THOSE looked like.

Boilermaker Meg said...

I LOVE these, thanks for making my break between a final and a final paper so much more enjoyable

Yay for using Christmas! Holidays, honestly? I'm more offended with them using holidays than they must be with me for using Christmas. Offended not only because they think we're forcing religion on them, but that they're ruining hundreds of years of tradition. It's a saying, like Good Morning.

Kell said...

That fireplace is hilarious!!!!!! I love this blog!
Kell
http://trulyhideousgifts.blogspot.com/

Ali said...

seriously, can sometime please send out a brown icing apb to all bakers ASAP?!?! It's just plain wrong.

Sheri in Rehoboth said...

The fireplace is terrifically unappetizing...and whoever eats that is going to go into major sugar shock. MAN that is a lot of icing!

When I first looked at Santa, I was trying to figure out if the icing fell off the side of the cake or if that was supposed to be Santa's smile. LOL

And Snappy? I will have nightmares.

joyce said...

Snort. This clears the sinuses.

We need a cover-the-keyboard alert.

That gingerbread man is a CCC---and it looks like a stick-up.

Fireplace? Huh?

Bellesouth said...

The pretzel reindeer is obviously swiped from a Krafts-for-Kids magazine.

The Santa. Oh dear Christ the Santa. These are too much!

Andrea said...

Good thing they told us it was a fireplace. It looks to me like they have left over Fall colored frosting and decided to just poop it all on a cake and try and pretend it was intentional

Slave Driver said...

Okay, the "Fireplace" logs look like a re-vamped "Thanksgiving Turkey" that was leftover and recycled.

The rest of them just scream "What the F*%# is THAT?"

Anonymous said...

Clearly Mr. Dali Reindog is licking his chops in anticipation of chomping on the yummy Snappy gingerbread CCC that he can just see up to his right who taunts him... "Run, Run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, you're legless!" *sigh* If only the great decorator in the sky had given me legs!
--Becky

Aurora said...

I would totally buy that gingerbread monster, if only for the hilarity. That Santa, however? He looks aaaaangry. He looks like he's about to pop a cap in whoever failed to finish his beard.

Lulubelle B said...

I believe the turdaphants are very happy to see us. Rotate the photo...but not with the kids in the room.

word verification: ginghton
the birthplace of gingham - don't ask about its checkered past

BSumner said...

I'm pretty sure that gingerbread man is having issues with his adenoids.

Lori said...

I think that second "cake" is supposed to be the Grinch's dog, Max from the animated version. I mean, shouldn't reindeer have antlers?

http://www.everwonder.com/david/thegrinch/33.jpg

PS - THE WORD VERIFICATION IS CRINGLE! Ahahahahaha

I Love Baby Quilts! said...

I agree with Bonnie B., the small elephant rudolph cupcakes are very cute! But the larger version looks like a Snuffleupagus on crack. The Snappy "cake" is the worst cake I have seen in a while. And I read your blog every day so i've seen some bad cakes.

Kate said...

@Allyson: Well, Ramadan was a couple months ago, so I think we're clear on that one. I bet there's some fabulous potential for New Year's Wrecks, though.... Fireworks gone awfully wrong, Father Time, someone trying to spell Auld Lang Syne.... :)

KatieHen said...

i stared at that first picture for forever on my dashboard page trying to figure out what it was. HOW is that a fireplace?! really, that's sad! i think they wrote "fireplace" on there after they finished because they didn't want to answer everyone's questions when they asked "what the heck is that?"

also...the second picture and the third picture were just...STRANGE. did they look at a picture of a reindeer and gingerbread man before they decided to make these? that was awful.

Marian said...

*dies* at the sticker on the reindeer cake. "Pull Apart Cake". Bwahhaha....

GreenEggsandSam said...

Dali? and cakes?
genuis.

I like Bonnie's idea about the '12 days of Christmas, My Cakewrecks broguht to me....'

And in closing, thank you for maintaining your non-PCness and using the name of the holiday correctly...long live Christmas and it's title.

Anonymous said...

Ahahaha. This post made me laugh so hard. The gingerbread-man wannabe cake is the scariest gingerbread dude I have ever seen.

And the turd pretzel reindeers...amazing!

Trevor said...

The really sad thing is that Santa is the only cake I could identify what it was supposed to be! The rest... frightening!

Boo Radley said...

Can we vote for a moratorium on Walmart theme cakes and cccs that were not special ordered. Every grocery store has bad cakes setting out for purchase, that's too east. I like the compare and contrast of "What I ordered vs. what I got", or wrecks that come from what should be a good bakery (Walmart need not apply).

I know it's exciting for people to take pictures and see them posted, but when your spending $20 at the local grocer's bakery you get what you pay for. I prefer the cakes that the bakery probably tried to charge $100+ for that shouldn't have ben allowed to see anything beyond the garbage bin.

I'm just sayin'. I do love the blog very much though.

Leslie said...

"goodwill towards those who think the same way you do"
I love that comment. And it pretty much sums up why I'm NOT on the "holiday party" committee this year.

Kevin said...

Somebody garrotted Santa. He's bleeding out all over the cake plate and that glittery golden scarf.

Julianna said...

Wow! Ok. I'll admit I like icing a lot more than I like cake, but that fireplace - come on! That was enough icing to properly decorate a dozen cakes. Yuck!

The brown circles with the red "lips" reminded me of big birds imaginary friend Snuffalopagus. Not a resemblance of any Christmas character I've ever seen.

Great wreckage!!

brainsurgerygirl said...

totally thought the gingerbread man had a lil somethin somethin censored out, but it was just a packing label

Feisty Irish Wench said...

Anonymous said...
The first one looks like a turkey had a run in with a transport truck.
December 4, 2008 10:52 AM


And here I was looking at it, and suddenly that "On top of Spaghetti" song comes to mind....

Denise said...

Snappy made me LOL. Santa is just sad.

They should put pepper in the fireplace cake so it can burn your mouth just like it burns your eyes!

Mary said...

Thanks for using the word "Christmas". It's nice. :)

carrie said...

Am I the only one who thinks that Snaps the CCC looks like ET at the North Pole?

Hyena Overlord said...

Cupcake cakes are an abomination in the wrong hands. I thought there was an instruction manual out there.

The reindeer ccc looks like the little dog from the Grinch, after he gets run over by a whomobile.

Those reindeer cakes with the red noses look like sea elephants with cold sores. Eck.

And the santa cake. Obviously some hasn't heard that gravity was discovered. Gravity is something you need to make allowances for and take seriously.

wvotd motoge..."The cupcakes were all spooged together, in a motoge of wreck. Like birds of a feather, all flocking on wrecks"

Bad poetry, I has mad skillz.

aunt t said...

Wow! That turdaphant's mouth looks eerily like my puppy's a$$ end when he had a bad case of hemorrhoids. YUCK! Won't be eating that.

Jocelyn said...

Snappy the Gingerbread Man appears to have an entire doughnut lodged in his throat...or is suffering from a goiter. Or both.

HorribleLicensePlates said...

It looks like santa is mellllllting.

Alix said...

Let me get this straight... a fireplace cake? For real? Even if it were possible to do that well, why would you bother? Nobody wants a fireplace cake.

Commentary is five star as usual. Dear God you crack me up.

Scritzy said...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."

Okay, that one almost gave me a heart attack. I was laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath!

I agree that the fireplace cake was leftover fall colors plopped down. I can just hear the conversation:

"Boss, I used up the rest of the autumn frosting."

"Good job, Binky. Let's see your work."

*proudly shows Cake Wreck* "Pretty neat, huh?"

"Binky ... what the hell is that supposed to be?"

"A fireplace, boss! Can't you tell by the luscious black log I piped below the flames?"

"That's supposed to be fire? How about I fire you for wasting all that icing?"

"Boss, please don't fire me! I've got three kids, and I'm having enough trouble making ends meet as it is!"

"Well, you better think of a way to salvage that cake PDQ or you're out on your ear."

*pipes the word fireplace.

"Okay, Binky, you've saved your job. Put that one in the display case. Now go get to work on that gingerbread-man cupcake cake."

"Yes, Boss. Right away."

I can dream, can't I?

Word verification: tothr. If it's not one thing, it's tothr.

Jan said...

Is it really possible that I'm the only one who, when looking at that second monstrosity, sees Mr Hanky, the Christmas Poo?

milkyway said...

Thanks for using "Christmas"... made my day. :) I'm not entirely sure why/how anyone could possibly be offended by that. After all, it *IS* Christmas, haha.

The wreckage is completely awesome. I want whatever those bakers are smoking. ;)

Sun2Create said...

These are hiliarious! So glad I found your blog. And Merry Christmas!! A little early.

Lyz said...

My 4 year old (amazing intuitive) daughter looked at the "fireplace" and said, "WHAT is THAT?"

Those things are all hideous, and I love your commentary today, too.

And I hope you're happy, resting in the knowledge that I can't read your blog in peace - the 4 yr old AND 2 yr old insist on being present also. Thanks a LOT for being so darn family-friendly.

arensb said...

I've decided to live dangerously and use the word "Christmas" this month. If that offends you

I assume you're being sarcastic, but just in case you're not, or that someone thinks you're serious: I'm a flaming atheist, and I'm looking forward to Christmas for the same reasons everyone else is: trees, tinsel, presents, egg nog, parties, and, well, ugly but tasty cake wrecks. Yum!

Mandee said...

I thought the Reindeer was Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. He's quite Mr. Hanky-esqu.

I'm also quite sad for the Santa, and the reindeer with pretzel ears. My two-year-old said, "OH NO!" Of course, he says that a lot...but in this case I think he's on to something!!!

Shelly said...

First, let's set the scene with a nice crackling fire in the ol' fireplace

When I first read that comment, I thought it said *mice* crackling fire, so I looked for the mice in it, dismayed that I couldn't see it.

*headdesk*

Meredith said...

If these are the types of things people make/eat at Christmas, I'm glad I celebrate Chanukah! ;)

Jessica said...

The holidays have never been so unappetizing for me... thanks ;)

Anonymous said...

Long Time Lurker - I love your blog, but I am sorely disappointed that you are not included in the hot blogger 2009 calendar.

- Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Snappy is just another example that CCCs should not exist!

ashley said...

The placement of the sticker on Snappy makes me feel as if he's got something censored, which makes it even creepier - if possible.

Heather said...

Kudos to you for not tiptoeing around the word Christmas! Love the blog, keep the wrecks coming
:-)

MammaDucky said...

Oh my crap. Those are hilarious. Seeing these totally changed my grouchy demeanor today. Thanks for the laugh.

Debbi said...

OK. The first "cake" (and I use that term loosely) reminds me of 1st grade when I labeled things in my "masterpieces" .. desk, table, lamp, etc. My teacher told me I did not have to do that because people would know what I was drawing, presumably. I guess the first cake "decorator" never got that memo ...

TJ said...

I don't know, Santa looks pretty pissed off to me - what's with the scowling eyebrows? Was everybody naughty this year?

Cottagecheap said...

Ha, I like Anon, thought the black square was a censor bar. :D

I also think that "turdiphants" is way better than what I thought about when I saw those nassy 'trunks'

Jagyularr said...

When I looked at the first reindeer, I thought it was supposed to be a dog with a bloody tongue.

Anonymous said...

Is the "fireplace" a CCC??

It looks like one..

God help us if it is!

Charlene said...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."


Thankfully, I wasn't eating or drinking when I read this because I laughed so hard at that line. What a hot mess. Where do they find these decorators? Are they dropouts from culinary school???

Bettyboondoggle said...

"I assume you're being sarcastic, but just in case you're not, or that someone thinks you're serious: I'm a flaming atheist, and I'm looking forward to Christmas for the same reasons everyone else is: trees, tinsel, presents, egg nog, parties, and, well, ugly but tasty cake wrecks. Yum!"

Repeated in order for me to say "seconded"!

Of course you should use the "Christmas" when referring to these wrecks. No one else wants 'em!

Raina said...

"Yep, I've decided to live dangerously and use the word 'Christmas' this month. If that offends you, rest assured that none of these Wrecks are going to make 'Christmas' look good."

You gentiles crack me up. So much tsuris over the birth of a little Jewish baby boy.

Cake is the great equalizer - delicious no matter the theme.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

OMOGSH I am laughing so hard.

The fact that they had to label the fireplace in order for it to be identified has me cracking up. I think that is officially the funniest cake ever.

For some reason the pretzel eared thing reminds me of Mr Potato Head.

ipa said...

Now listen Jen,
I told you to stop it when you did the Thanksgiving Wrecks - you made my bladder go into overdrive AND now youv'e started up with Christmas Wrecks. I've had to go and buy another box of Depends. For God's sake woman - Have pity on the elderly!

rookie bebe said...

To Rebecca the first commenter - thank you for clearing up what the red blobs were. Bulbs. I absolutely went blank on that.

And why does santa look like he's in a wind tunnel?

I want to know if these actually get sold and how many have to be thrown away.

claire said...

the fireplace looks like a popped zit.

Ms Ashley said...

Why does Santa's beard look like it's melting off his face!

Tavia said...

I thought the fireplace was a slice of pizza. Nothing says Merry Christmas like the works!

Jenny said...

Here's what my 4 year old says about the Santa cake... "Why's he look so mean? Maybe he's mad that he's messed up." Children are so perceptive!

MaryO said...

I'm ROTFLMAO and have been all day! Between the commentary and the comments I.can't.stop.laughing.

HILARIOUS!!!

I especially like Claire's observation of the popped zit and the fireplace "wreck"! That description is just about perfect!

Oh.My.God... I'm laughing again! Somebody stop me!!!!!!!!

Julie said...

OH MY WORD!! This site is hilarious. Now I will have to be on the lookout for really bad cakes whenever I go to the store. HA HA HA

Thanks for the laugh!

Julie

Banana said...

Well this is probably the hardest I have ever laughed at anything on the internet!!!

I love it.

R2K said...

: )

Jamie and Angela said...

My 3-year old thought the fireplace cake was supposed to be a pile of garbage.

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone who's probably STILL laughing at

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."

CLASSIC.

And the "goodwill to those who think the same as you do."

I'm so going to sign my holiday--strike that--Christmas cards that way this year. Beeyotches!

This may be the best post I've seen all year from any blog. Thank you!

Clare K. R. Miller said...

Somehow I doubt there are going to be any Hanukkah, Yule, or Kwanzaa cake wrecks. (But if there ARE, you better post them!)

Bridgete said...

Okay, to the comments about Ramadan, that was months ago. They also probably wouldn't make cakes for it, considering it's a month-long fasting period....

As for the use of the word Christmas, I do agree with the others there. I think the whole thing started with people getting offended when you would be in a store or something and at the end of the interaction (say when they hand you the shopping bag) they'd say Merry Christmas. I'm pretty sure no one cares if you use the word "Christmas" in reference to actual Christmas items. Otherwise all the stands would be advertising "holiday trees" right now.

The Littlest Gator said...

don't participate in the dumb war on Christmas thing. I love your site. but the deal is, no one except bill o'reilly really thinks there is a war on saying merry Christmas, people can say whatever they want. Don't be silly and don't perpetuate this nonsense. ugh

3littlepigs said...

I thought the fireplace cake was actually a pile of laundry! And Santa looks like an angry pirate!

3littlepigs

Erin said...

THANK YOU for using the word Christmas!! And I am totally keeping my eyes open for wrecks. Haven't found any yet, but I'm waiting...

Anonymous said...

RE: 'reindeer' cake

1. Notice how they labeled it a 'pull apart cake' to try to avoid the stigma of being a CCC.

2. The 'gaping hole where his nose used to be' just reminds me of Michael Jackson. I'm just sayin'.....

Anonymous said...

im probably the only one who thinks the first cake looks like a giant orgy :S

小佐野優 said...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."

I need to stop drinking when I read this blog...that's another monitor covered in soda... *g*

Word verification: "begzati". Descriptive of holiday cake wrecks; i.e. "I would never put something THAT begzati alongside my Christmas dinner."

Wood fairies are real (W.F.A.R.) said...

Haha, i really thought the first one was a volcano but then i saw the fireplace thingy on the side!

Karen Kaye said...

Tears are streaming down my face over that gingerbread CCC. my 12 year old son came up to see what my deal was and he laughed just as hard.

It looks like it was made by someone with their dominant hand in a cast because it was mangled in a freak KitchenAid accident.

I've honestly never laughed so hard... "He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches"? Classic!

karen

Camille said...

Thank you for using the word Christmas!!!!

Kore said...

Santa's beady eyes are scaring the hell out of me...

Jean said...

"He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches."

I have to agree with the others: Best. Line. EVER.

I don't think using Christmas is living dangerously. I have never actually met anyone offended by the use of "Christmas," just people who are offended by "Holidays."

Eeeeek!! said...

Sorry if this is too graphic, but pretzel-antlered Rudolph's nose looks like a condom. Ewww.

I thought the top was another turkey cake at first. I'm still not convinced that it's not a recycled turkey cake.

Jenn said...

I have a freaky weird idea. Why not make a gingerbread man from... um..gingerbread?

Seriously these were hysterical!

harmzie said...

oh my freakin' gawd... usually check this in the morning - got a little late today.

I have to say (a) even with the description, I don't see a "fire place". I see an abombination. Of a farce. Of a crap-fest. That doesn't even look edible.

(b) The "reindeer" looks like Rudolph AND the Grinch AND a sack of crap got lodged in that teleportation machine from "The Fly" and ended up in a big-box cake department

(c) Gingy. Oh, poor Gingy. "Not the Gumdrop buttons!!!" Dear, sweet Gingy, the gumdrop buttons are the least of your worries!

(d) & (e) I don't even have time for this... just flick some crap at a cake & some poor schmuck will buy it.

[sigh] faith. in. humanity... fading... fading...

Deborah Godin said...

Top one: Yeah, my fireplace always burns Pepto pink and pantsuit yellow...

Angie said...

He's made of sugar and spice and will mess your a$$ UP, beeyotches

Yeah, as soon as he finishes swallowing whatever that thing bulging from the bottom of his neck is.

Um....that is a neck right?

Anonymous said...

But it is Christmas!!! And fyi, I wouldn't be offended if you talked about Hanukkah or Kwanzaa....Christmas is a NATIONAL holiday after all...

orianna2000 said...

I, too, kept thinking the gingerbread man had a censored crotch!

Maybe the angry Santa is the evil Robot Santa from Futurama?

Jenn said...

The first one looks like a seriously messed up and burned pizza.

Kate said...

Jen and Mandee - I agree! The reindeer/dog CCC is most certainly a relative of Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo!

Love this blog, Jen! You always bring a bright spot to my days.

grimmjak said...

I'm sorry, but the first thought I had when I saw the "reindeer" was

"Isn't that nice, a 'Mr. Hankey' cake!"

Sad indeed.

jere7my said...

Hey, I know that Santa cake! It's from Brighton, MA. I pass that bakery several times a week, and mentioned angry Santa to the wife just last week.

Around Thanksgiving, they had a turkey-topped cake with a more severe version of the same problem: all that was left on top of the cake was a plastic top hat sitting on a brown stain. The rest of the frosting turkey had slid off and drizzled into a squelchy brown pile on the floor of the display. Ew.

Lesson: don't display your cakes on an angle.

Sarah said...

My first thought when I saw the reindeer CCC was that it was a dog.

The Turdaphants seriously cracked me up. I needed a good laugh; had a long day. That's what keeps me coming back to Cake Wrecks. Keep up the good work! (You too, Bakeries.)

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Can you believe I came just to see the fireplace again? It still cracks me up. Especially the label.

Innamoramento.net said...

lol, magnifique !

http://www.innamoramento.net

ajtroup said...

wow, they are bad...

This is the first time that I've commented, but I just wanted to say thanks for a very amusing blog. Sometimes it really makes my day :)

Alison

echidna girl said...

These actually took my breath away with horror.

Amazing.

I so love your website!!!!

The Auditor said...

The black box on the ginger monster frightened me, while I was scrolling. My eye didn't register the gap between the horror itself and the censor block. "What thuh?! Oh...oh..."

RamblingDreamer said...

I have to stop reading this when I haven't had enough sleep. I totally thought the elephant/reindeer things are adorable. Yeah, I know. But they are!

I need more sleep, clearly.

Also, when first scrolling through this I was on the phone at work so couldn't really read along. I had NO IDEA what that first cake was. I didn't notice the "fireplace" written in icing along the side. It looked something like a pile of autumn leaves to me.

Alexis said...

Good lord. It looks like Santa just unhinged his jaw!

My Ice Cream Diary said...

Aaaa. The Turephants look like Trumpy from MST3K's Pod People.

BTW, thank for getting hooked to Dr. Who? Love it.

Kookaburra said...

No salt-monster sucking the life out of Bones ref, Jen? Tut, tut, tut, I might just start doubting your geek cred, Jen. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Note to cake "decorator" (I say that term loosely): If you have to write what the cake is on the board or cake itself (on the price label is okay, I suppose) you may want to look into other career options!

Anonymous said...

It's OK to say Merry Christmas! The holiday is a celebration of Christ's birth!

Amanda said...

Can't...quit...laughing...at Snappy!!!! That's the most hilarious excuse for a gingerbread man EVER!

Richard said...

I just saw some icing goatse's. Uggh...

Amy said...

Looks like these bakeries need to be reminded of what reindeer and Santa look like.
Amy B

TornadoBaby said...

THANK YOU for saying Merry Christmas... people have lived with that phrase for who know how long, they can keep putting up with it, wimps!

Made my day!

Kristin said...

Long time reader, first time comment...

I just have to say, I've had an absolutely craptacular week and I can always count on reading your blog for a good laugh. This post particularly made me smile when I really needed to. And not even just a smile, but a laugh too.

I love it :)

Rock said...

I thought the notion that there's a War on Christmas was made up by nutters. I was wrong.

Judging by these cake wrecks, I now know that Christmas lost. Happy Festivus, I guess.

Jamie E said...

Turdaphants!!!! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Love your blog! Christmas is still a recognized holiday for 88% of Americans. So, who ya worried about offending? maggie

Pinky said...

That CCC isn't a gingerbread man, it's a black face mime with a goiter. I'm sure.

stonesoupjewelry said...

The CCC gingerbread man made my 4 year old cry.

Annemarie said...

my son is four, and autistic and thought your large reindeer looked like they were crying

Jen said...

Oh boy! This is one of my favorite blogs ever, yet i never commented until today - I had to after seeing that steroid raging gingerbread man.

Thanks for the laugh....still laughing....

macropixi said...

Goodness. I thought the Reindeer was Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo at first

Calantha said...

Jen, these cakes are dealing specifically with Christmas. That in and of itself excludes you from any snarky comments. If you or a reader finds any Kwanzaa/Yule/Hanukkah/whatever wrecks, however, post them please! Every holiday has its wrecks and the all deserve to be laughed at! Long live equal-opportunity snarking!

lilmrsmchenry said...

Hubby saw the "fireplace" cake and thought it was an orgy! LMAO! What is with the flesh coloring in the fire?

Anonymous said...

So funny. I actually ran across a wreck today . . . I even took a picture, but my phone didn't save it! I was at the mall, and one of the giant cookie stands had a decorated "Santa" head (a heart cookie upside-down, so the point was the 'hat' and the curves were his 'beard,' nevermind that someone had chopped a big wedge out of the middle of it . . . ) Hopefully someone else will see it and submit it . . .

Krys said...

Turdaphants!??! I've never seen anything on a cake that comes so close to a replica of something I'd find in my son's diaper. EWWWWWW!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you you noticed but the reindeer has a stick on it that says pull apart cake and its apparently 24 cupcakes... Pull apart cake... how unattractive

Anonymous said...

There are so many elements wrong with this!

Kerry said...

Jan - the first thing I thought of was Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo also!

Michelle said...

My 2 year old son just saw a picture of Snappy the scary, um, gingerbread man and said, "what's that? Horse?"

Michelle

solvency ii said...

Looks like the gingerbread man has some sort of palsy

Judi said...

Imagine the screaming 4-year old when the first cupcake is taken from the side of the head of the gingerbread man. He looks terrified already.
Judi

Anonymous said...

That fireplace looks like a huge bed with a bunch of naked women in an orgy...... I'm serious

Michelle said...

Turdaphants!!!!!!! I think I just wet my pants!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I will give the "fireplace" cake decorator as break: at least s/he KNEW it was crap and labeled it.

Also, the SNappy thing was HI.LArious. NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Heathing said...

Has anyone ever in their life met anyone who was offended by the word "Christmas"?
thought not

john (the hubby of JEN) said...

Dear John Heathing,

Every member of the ACLU, atheists and curmudgeons.

It's rare we get comments on posts this old.

Have a merry day!

john

Suzanne said...

I laughed so hard I thought I would vomit. Really.

JoMama said...

I cried at the "Turdaphants" and had to send a link to my co-worker so she wouldn't think I'd lost my mind. OMG! "Snappy" is awesome, too!

Sara A Broers said...

These are adorable- I love your cakes!
Sara

Ricebubbles said...

Snappy, the stitched-together Yuletide monster seems to have had his arms and legs swapped around... all the better to be eaten with??

aeriselis said...

ARE YOU FOR REAL bakers have actually made and tried to sell those horrific things? I have never seen cakes so appetite-killing before!! (That gingerbread thing- aaaah!!) Love the site! Keep it up!

katemcjrn said...

The turdaphants have colostomy mouths! Really, REALLY authentic looking, too.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard that my throat is sore and I drooled on my keyboard!

Anonymous said...

It looks like the Gingerbread Man had to be censored - the location of that black sticker appears to be hiding his personals, something I was not aware a gingerbread had or needed.

Anonymous said...

The Turdaphants look like Mr Potatoheads gone wrong...horribly wrong...

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your site and I am enjoying myself soooo much! I've been in my office laffing my @ss off and trying to contain it so my boss or employees don't feel the need to give me CPR! I love your sense of humor along with the pics of Cake Wrecks. And, Christmas is fine with me!
Sharon Stephens, Wichita KS.

Anonymous said...

These are hilarious!! And this is why I don't make my own cakes. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time so thanks for that!

Emily said...

See...the top three pics(painfully obvious they are CCCs) just prove the point that you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t, no matter HOW MUCH mayo you use.

Pleeease: let cupcakes be cupcakes, and stop creating these sugared abominations that haunt my dreams!