Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Haunted Holidays

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

[creaking door] "Welcome, foolish mortals, to Santa's Playhouse! Mwu-ha-ha-haa!" [dog howls]
"Please, come into the firelight, won't you?"

"Our candles are made with only the most festive blood-red wax. It helps bring out the holiday spirits, you see." [wind blowing]

[water drips] "Don't mind the cobwebs; we find they give the Playhouse a homey feel."


"Now, I'm sure you're just dying to meet Santa, aren't you?" [heart beating] "Well, here he is! Ahahahaha!"

"Loook into my eeeeyes..."

[door slams] [running feet]

"Wait, where are you going, my friends? Don't you want your Polaroid? Only $12.99!!"


Beth A., Deanna T., and Bradley W., hurry baa-aaack. Hurry baa-aaack!
Penny said...

I think the candle is the wreckiest cake today...followed shortly by the psycho santa.

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

LOLOL!! Nothing says "Happy Holidays" quite like a bleeding marshmallow, cobwebs and a demonic Santa.

rebekah said...

i still don't understand what that first one is. it's a candle, REALLY?!?! that makes my heart sad.

Anonymous said...

Is the second one supposed to be a Yule log frosted in white?

The Santa cake is about a month and a half late for the holiday it looks like it was intended for...

~Jeffrey

Eeeek!! said...

Mommy, when I sat on Santa's lap, I started telling him what I wanted for Christmas, but then I think I told him about where we keep the emergency cash and the good silver and the code for the alarm system. Is that bad?

Leslie said...

Candle my foot...that's a re-creation of the Christmas Eve my mom almost cut her finger off on a can of green beans and I had to drive her to the emergency room with a t-shirt wrapped around the wound. (true story...and I'm sorry but that flame just looks like spurting blood to me).
And as for Santa...well....you were on the NAUGHTY list this year. But Santa will still bring you presents. In exchange for your SOUL! MWAHAHAH!

Woof said...

Truly a Nightmare before Christmas...

Alix said...

Not only is Santa hypnotizing me - which purely on its own merit is creeping me out - but his whiskers are made of shaving cream. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Word verification (deep breath): "rhedi" as in Redi-Whip.

rishabree said...

AGGGHHHHH!!!!

Nandi said...

Too funny!

Cottagecheap said...

Ack! Is it just me or did Santa get his brows done at "Evil Stylz" hair salon? Sheesh! Even without his 'swirly' eyes....egad!

Kelly said...

Wow, that has to be the scariest holiday spirit I've ever seen! Thanks for the frightful tour!

Goofy said...

Oh, that is PRICELESS!!

Mandi said...

Are those webs supposed to be snowflakes???

Anonymous said...

Oh my! Looks like someone's trying to recycle Halloween cakes! LOL.

I'm Losing It! said...

Looks a little like the NIGHTMARE before Christmas to me.

Autumn said...

What a horrifying Santa! And to make it worse he's a CCC...dun dun dun.

Nikki said...

OMG, what kind of stores are these coming from? You could frost 10 cakes with the amount of frosting they piled into that "candle" (is that appropriate usage of quotations?) lol

Elvira said...

It took me so long to figure out that was a candle on the 1st cake. I must need coffee or glasses or both.

Ashley said...

I want to go to the Haunted Mansion now after seeing that!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure that is a candle? Ah well, you're probably right: I dan't know what else it could be!

Love your blog.
Willemijn

Trevor said...

Ignoring that Santa is a CCC (which we really CAN'T ignore), he's not that bad. I mean, shouldn't he be a little pale? I can't imagine there's much chance to tan up in the North Pole. His eyes... his eyes... they are strangely hypnotic......

The other two, though, UGH! I don't even GET the first one.

Stephanie Hanson said...

Clearly, someone was proud of the spiderweb skills they learned at Halloween. And before I read the first one was a candle, I was cocking my head to try to figure out what it was.

Sam, The Nanti-SARRMM said...

That has to be the most evil looking Santa that I have ever seen.

Anonymous said...

Is the top one really supposed to be a candle??

All Adither said...

"And the murder weapon was a very sharp candle!"

"I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky kids!"

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Arlynn said...

Ahhhhh... this one is a scary post! Especially that creepy, twirlly-eyed "Santa." Ooohhhhh

Why would any baker, in their right mind, imagine & create such a frightening scene???

And just think how the kids would feel!

kerry said...

i don't know whether to laugh or go hide under my bed. demonic santa may give me nightmares.

sweettc said...

ok wow I so didnt see a candle. I had to look at it and then read it again and then I looked at it again. I still didnt see it. I was at the bottom of the post and reread it again. then I kind of saw a candle not really but Jen says its a candle I guess thats what it is. That is a sad candle though.

chelizz said...

Oh my word...every last bit of that was terrifying...ick ick ick...WHAT are decorators thinking? I wasn't the best decorator in my time as one, but...I'd never do something that atrocious...

The Tildy Spot said...

Why would a white candle have red wax dripping on it? That's just crazy. I can see the severed finger that Leslie sees.

Anonymous said...

I think the Santa cake is cute. He has the same eyes as Fred Flintstone while in a trance.

April said...

Those are some great spiderweb skills...unfortunately no one told the decorator that spiderwebs don't belong on a Christmas cake...

That candle and Santa are hideous.... Laughing at the shaving cream comment from Alix.... I scrolled back up and it DOES look like a shaving cream beard...

Bonnie said...

That blue icing on the ‘candle’ makes me want to brush my teeth...


On the second day of Christmas Cake Wrecks, Jen brought to me, two (well...three really) leftover Halloween wrecks, AND...a reindeer in the shape of a floppy-eared bunny!

I’ve always wondered on this song if the receiver ended up with 12 partridges in a pear tree or if they just like re-listing what they got over and over again...hmmm...(goes off to do some research)...

~Bonnie B~

Missy said...

Maybe the first one is supposed to be for Hanukkah? It IS the Festival of Lights. (however that cake is more of a Fugtival!)

Anonymous said...

Actually, I realized fairly quickly (for a wreck) that the first one is a candle, albeit a bleeding one, but I'm still scratching my head over the second. Wha?! I'm going to hope Mandi's guess of snowflakes is correct, because I can't come up with anything remotely better.

Tiff D. said...

I must have a really dirty mind, because it was NOT a candle I saw... more like an emergency room scene, or the aftermath of Lorena Bobbitt! And the Satan, er, I mean Santa? I haven't laughed that hard since... yesterday's wreck! Thank you so, so much...

~Tiffany

Word Ver: downp - the art of peeing DOWN INTO the toilet, an art my 2 and 7 year old still need to master.

Charlotte said...

I'm glad you mentioned that the first one was supposed to be a candle. Otherwise, I never would have guessed.

FreedomFirst said...

Are you sure the candle isn't a Hannukah cake?

Lol. I thought the Santa was rather well done until I saw the eyes....

Megan said...

Obviously, the decorator of that first one doesn't realize that only red candles produce red wax. I still don't believe it's a candle.

Amy said...

Spider webs and Christmas cheer. They always go hand-in-hand, right?
I could tell the first was a candle..but why on a blue background, and why would a white candle drip blood-red wax? Hmmm...
~Amy B

Jagyularr said...

I second the Yule log theory on the cobweb cake, although for the life of me I can't figure out why it's white, if that's the case.

Christine said...

Well, a lot of bakers do the spiderweb thing to represent the rings in a cut log, however, this one is waaaay over done, as well as, WTF a white Yule Log? Ug!

Also, what candle has a red flame? Much less blood dripping from it? Merry Christmas, muahahaha.

Chrissy

jengersnap said...

Mrs. Peacock, with the candlestick, in the kitchen, ftw!

Word Verification: fripy - The process of getting ripped off by frugal decorators

What's Her Face said...

Of course evil santa is a CCC...makes total sense to me :)

Anonymous said...

Oh what fun...more blue pooh!

At least if you were brave(?) enough to purchase the Santa CCC you could have a quick exocism and remove what appears to be plastic wrapped candy swirly eyeballs!

And I do beliee that is supposed to be a log. Considering how we all feel about brown icing, maybe the decorator was thinking "I'll just go for the snow covered birch log and show a little end-grain to drive the point home...plant a pointsetta in front of the imaginary fireplace...add plastic snowman cuz, hey he's sitting here..and voila! Holiday cake!"

-Becky

Shelly... said...

Two words...why? wow?!

J. Applebee said...

I want to see a face-off between evil Santa and the evil clowns!

steph said...

Santa might want to reconsider the shape that he waxed his eyebrows in! Oh my!!!

Cake for Breakfast said...

Argh. That bright blue icing is my biggest nemesis! Nothing makes me crazier than when grown ups walk around with blue lips and teeth from too much food coloring in their cake.

msyendor said...

'Happy Holidays' Well, we didnt specify which 'Holy Days' did we? So we'll blend Samhain and Winter Solstice, burn the yule logs as well as some turkeys or chickens ... and hope the jolly old stranger at the feast is really a nice guy.

WV of the day: damnoses -- they're running again.

Craig said...

I'm glad someone was able to figure out that the second one was a yule log. I can see it now that I know. (It's still awful, but I can see it.)

I love that they didn't even bother to unwrap Santa's eyes. The evil Santa reminds me of Robot Santa from Futurama who judges everyone naughty...and tries to kill them. "Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missle."

ginlyn said...

I'm trying to think what the second cake is...I think the store had some leftover Halloween cakes and wanted to try to get rid of them...

The third cake...did they use CANDY for his eyes? And left it in the wrapper...ew

Anonymous said...

what's the blue thing on the side of the spiderweb cake?

Mary said...

Truly terrifying!

Anonymous said...

The "spider webs" are meant to be the rings that you see inside of a tree trunk, since it's a yule log. Why the rings need to be connected through diagonal lines that don't exist in a real tree, I don't know...

jeremyandgirls said...

I initially thought the "candle" was a melted Santa. The white part looks a little like a wonky beard and the red (oh the red) looks like his hat melted over his face. Can you see it? No? Ok... nevermind then.

Word Ver: pagodyna
A drunken pronunciation of Patagonia.

Maya said...

that's a candle?!?

I genuinely thought it was a bad attempt at an Obama "O" and didn't understand what it had to do with Christmas.

But now my brain is exploding and I have to lie down.

appropriately, my word verification is "hanis" (misspelled, but still conveys the point)

Jess said...

oh my goodness. i was actually somewhat unnerved at this. yikes.

Anonymous said...

I didn't get the "candle" cake at first either. What is even more sad is that, on the second cake, I was probably far more disturbed by the really crappy, fake, plastic poinsettia stuck along the side than I was over the "spiderweb" pattern on the top of the cake.

TAC

selaura said...

I could have sworn the first one was a "Hope your Hemmoroids Get Better" cake.

Calantha said...

OMG Jen, that first cake should have been served at Halloween! It's like watching a candle burn in a horror movie and then realizing it's dripping not wax, but blood. Mondo disturbing.

And uh, who came up with the idea of giving Santa red-and-white swirly eyes that look they're going to suck out your soul and blind you if you stare too long?

Anonymous said...

woah. THAT's a candle? i had a... um... different association... but never mind that. santa made me laugh ^^

word verification: "undas" - horribly wrong spelling of "anders", which is german for different/weird. great description of the cakes.

Creepy Santa Cake said...

muwhahahahohoho!

ksaldria said...

Are the cobwebs supposed to be snowflakes? Cause if so it's seriously not working.

beth said...

I figured out the candle pretty quickly (it's not good, but I picked it out as a candle), but I didn't get the yule log for a looong time. My first thought was that it was supposed to be a lacy design on the cake.

Kate said...

yeah...what kind of sickos does it take to turn a happy occasion like Christmas into a bleeding candle, spider webbed yule log, demonic santa monstrosity? Simple answer...your friendly local grocery store bakery.

potpourri poets said...

ummmm-Santa's beard and moustache are made of the styrofoam packing peanuts. And the yule log with spider webs is even more special with the blue plastic snowflake and fake poinsettia.
Bev

HorribleLicensePlates said...

what exactly is that first cake?

An Apron Straitjacket said...

Hold me!

Anonymous said...

I was wondering why you kept mentioning candles...took me forever to realize that is what THAT cake was supposed to be.

usda said...

now we know how santa controls the elves to do his every command...

Sarah said...

Yeah, I'm not really seeing the candle in the first cake. But alot of kudos to working in a line from Haunted Mansion. It made me smile.

Kim said...

It looks to me like Santa's eyes are candies. Look closely and you can see the plastic wrappers. Poor choice of candy is all that I can say.

It took me several time to even see a candle on that first one....

Alix said...

Ya know, I, too, scratched my head over the first "candle" cake. To me, it looked like a heavenly choir angel that got scalped by the injuns. And I truly and wholeheartedly mean that with no malice or ill will against the Indian nation.

C. Beth said...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, I'm a Wreckporter! My candle/exclamation point/marshmallow being burned at the stake made it! This is the proudest day of my life.

Beth (of One-Minute Writer and C. Beth Blog)

julie said...

Thank you for shedding light on number one..... I originally thought it was a toilet, but couldn't figure out why someone would do a toilet cake with an extra "add on".

tim h said...

I do not know how I've managed to live without knowing about this website.

Thank you.

MaryO said...

All these Wrectastic Kakes suggest to me that perhaps the Wreckorators were on... controlled substances!!!!!!

These are ghastly cakes!

Kitty Kat said...

The first cake could be a Hanakah cake..however Hanakah typically is symbolized by 8 candles not one... Don't you wreckorators get any ideas and make the first cake with 8 candles...not that would be worse.

Word of the day: dropugh- the process of dropping a cake wreck and saying ugh...the customer dropugh the cake.

Shay said...

The eyes on the Santa remind me of Saw.... disturbing!

Anonymous said...

A candle? Really? And what's Christmas without a spiderweb. I should have left the Halloween decorations up and stuffed candy canes in the webs.

westfalenpony said...

Santa looks like the evil clown doll thing from Saw. They both have the same terrifying spiral eyes.

The Lordess of Stuff said...

Eeek! I don't like that santa at all! Maybe they decorators just misread santa as satan?

And, i agree with Leslie that the candle flame look like sputring blood. As for the cobwebs. Well, that's obviously a halloween cake (halloween is a holiday too) Only why is there snowman infront. Does it snow so early in the USA?

Hyena Overlord said...

That's a decapitated snowman on a blue blanket.

How do I email Jen pictures? I'm not techy.

Hyena Overlord said...

nevermind*LOL*

wvotd: readhol Readhol thing for emailing instructions

Brianna said...

I think the santa would be adorable with happier eyes and eyebrows. Or just the way he is, because I'm twisted like that.

OBG said...

I worship Demon Santa now and forever.

gnatspan said...

Will someone please eat that cobweb cake right now!! I took a look at it and it made me think about cleaning the house for the holidays. No way do I want a cake reminding me to do my housework.

Chris Andersen said...

All glory to the Hypno-Santa!

Taryn said...

hahahah.
Nothing feels like Christmas more than bloody candles, cobwebs, and hypnotic santas.

Man, and I thought my family had issues.

LOL.

Word verification: fliali: the noise you utter when satanic santa comes in through your fireplace at night.

utaduta said...

who ever made the "candle" cake could only afford red, blue and white frosting, how could they afford a cake decorator with any skills?

Debbi said...

I SAW THE CANDLE RIGHT AWAY! Yay for me! 10 points! Not that it did not still scare me, mind you, but I did recognize a candle.
And the "decorator" of cake #2 obviously is quite proud of his/her spider web-making skills. Must continue making webs. I can hardly wait for the Valentine's cake!
And Santa ... (running away screaming) I've been good! Really! I have!

prc said...

I was thinking the cobwebs might be snowflakes too. I got the candle, but was horrified by the blue icing! Yowza!

As for Santa, OK a little creepy, but my question is where do you get Santa pics for $12.99?!? Ours were more than $27 smackeroos.

Lauren said...

Ah, so this is the refreshment table at Satanland, David Sedaris's twisted version of Macy's Santaland.

sunlizzard said...

Oh, I don't know if DemonSanta's eyes are all that hypnotic. More like... Shanta'sh had moo tuch eggity-nogginsss!

And the "candle"? Ummm. I gave up trying to figure out what it was supposed to be, assuming that the next photo was going to be, you know, like a side view of the same cake, whereby it was all going to make sense. Silly me. Shoulda knowed. :)

PerkinsClan said...

As soon as I saw the candle cake, my first thought was that it was a ruined Chicken Run cake. Maybe I should get a job as a cake decorator. It's gotta be easy to make cakes that look like these!

Danielle said...

The first one looks like (as gross as it sounds) a tampon. Ew.

My varification word is "Sasesses". That's a lot of S's.

janet said...

Soooo... You get psycho Santa when a Vulcan and Hypnotoad have a baby?

Jullee and Fam said...

The first cake is obviously not a candle! It is a recreation of the horrific snowman massacre of 1973. You can even see the pool of blood at the bottom of the cake.

As for the others...wow!

Holly said...

Aaaaaah! Are bakers still stuck in Halloween? What's with the spiral eyes?!?

Fluffy Cow said...

The first cake??

My loony cake is fine Benny Lava!!!

Actually, I just couldn't pass up the verify word:

manduc

Sandi said...

I am dumbfounded by the cobweb holiday cake.

Sheri said...

GREAT post. That Santa gave me the shivers right up my spine. Brrrrr. Creeeeepy.

Breanne said...

Brilliant. You made me lol.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, what is the blue thing on the side of the web cake. It looks like a blue Big Bird

Laura said...

I love your sense of humor! It's always a pleasure reading your hilarious blog!:)

Anonymous said...

I thought the first one was a dead chicken.

Anonymous said...

Love all the references to Haunted Mansion. The Ghost Host lines in the beginning were the best and fit perfectly!

TROnA said...

uuummmmmm!!!!guau!!guau!!

Shoshana said...

Dear Lord, I might have nightmares from that Santa one.

My friend and I are getting a cake made for the end of the semester. It's going to say "No more Pre-cal!" in celebration of the schedule change. I'm secretly hoping it's a cake wreck. Cross your fingers...

Uvadalia said...

My husband looked over at the "candle" cake and asked what was up with the severed limb spouting blood cake. LOL
Word verification: (Extremely appropriate I think:

SMESS!

Scritzy said...

That was a candle??

At first glance, I thought it was a melted Santa whose hat had static-electricity problems.

mjlayman said...

I take it y'all don't know the Legend of the Christmas Spider? This is the German version, but there's a fair number of Nordic and Germanic variations. I'm not saying that's what the cake was, but there is a Christmas spiderweb legend.alor

Neen said...

That is one scary Santa.

mbpilsner said...

A candle? Seriously? I keep doing the head tilt trying to see it... yep, still not seeing it! Melanie

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

santa on crack comes to mind.

Anonymous said...

The Santa eyes would be bad enough if they were the white cream swirly caramels, but red?!

Rebecca said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAA....your blog makes me LOL for real, not that fake lol when people are all like "lol!!!" but they DIDN'T REALLY LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Caren said...

That just cannot be a Chanukah candle. I refuse to allow it! I choose to believe it is a decomposing Santa, stuck in the blue polar ice.

As for cake #2, there's a reason that the sign says "Happy Holidays." It's celebrating a combination of Halloween, a Hawaiian luau, and the winter solstice, all wrapped up in one nasty package.

word verification: "prouder"
(Ha! I got English!) I couldn't be any prouder of these bakers if I tried! True cakewreckers.

shoeaddict said...

That is a candle- well, if you say so. I can't tell what the heck it is.

Geri said...

I do agree Santa looks psycho. Otherwise, I can't figure out how anyone can't tell the first one is a candle. Looks like a candle to me.

Skiriki said...

I... er... okay. This has to be the creepiest cake combo I've ever seen.

And I'm saying this as someone who made "Armageddon by Chocolate" cake which had a chocolate Stonehenge around the cake, Cthulhu-inspired tentacled monster on top, surrounded by chocolate chicks and sacrificial chocolate bunnies with (jelly) blood splatters all around.

Stephanie said...

this is my favorite CW post ever! i was totally imagining paul frees' voice just like in the haunted mansion.

Schafner said...

Wow, you're awesome. That was a hilarious post. Great job on the creepy voice and the stage sounds in the background.

I'd hire you for a screen play :)

marybt said...

Ummm ... I don't think that's red wax. I think someone stabbed Santa with a candle!!!!! RUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!

Robin said...

That is some messed up... uh, stuff. Ahem.

Honestly, the first thing I thought of when I saw that "Santa" cake was the Kandyman from the Doctor Who episode 'The Happiness Patrol'. Creeped me the hell out, I tell you.

For visual confirmation, check out these:
http://www.doctorwhoworld.org.uk/kandyman.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/classic/gallery/monsters2/happinesspatrol.shtml

Anonymous said...

Ok, the Santa Cupcake is just downright scary. And the other ones look way out of season. It's supposed to be about Christmas, not Halloween. Obviously, the cake decorators don't know what they are doing.

Yénifer said...

Wait... so you're saying that that thing is a candle?

... Really? Are we sure? Is it officially a candle or is that just the best possible guess?

...I seriously had no idea what it was when I first saw it. And it still doesn't look like a candle to me. It looks like a mauled and mangled snowman. If snowmen could bleed, that is.

And why does that "Happy Holidays" cake have both a snowman AND cobwebs?? (Or whatever) I mean, I don't think one cake can cover both October and December very well, but maybe that's just me.

megryphon said...

OK 128 posts and nobody has mentioned that creepy little snowman in the lower left of the spiderwebbed cake. I know it's one of those plastic jobbers for people with no imagination, but with the cake behind it it just takes on Caspar overtones.

;^) Jan the Gryphon
aka Jan Combs at http://gryph-wotd.blogspot.com/

JimmyHarper said...

I'm not sure if it's okay to swear on here, so I'll just type: J**** C***** that f****ing Santa is scary!!!! Also, Jen, I love that you spoofed the Haunted Mansion in this post.

Pearl said...

HAHAHAHAHA did i just walk into the christmas version of the haunted mansion @ disneyland?

Scooter said...

my thoughts on this- looks like someone had leftover halloween cakes!

Also- that Santa scares the bejeebes out of me...

Rachel Hope said...

What the FLOCK is that top one even supposed to be??? a Candle?????

Reese said...

That santa is cracking me up!!

franko said...

my friend recently introduced me to this site & it is hillarious!! everytime i think of that santa with the eyes, i laugh :)

Annie K said...

bleeding candle = TAMPON!

Sarah said...

That Candle looks more like some sort of snowman that got his head blown off and has TONS of blood gushing out. Creepy...