Thursday, September 4, 2008

Mmmm, Chest Hair.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Janet T. provided the best portrayal I've ever seen of Tom Selleck in icing. (Well, ok, technically it's also the only portrayal of Tom Selleck in icing I've seen.) But that chest hair -- egads! Looks like Emma will be having a very "Hairy" birthday indeed. [shudder]

(UPDATE: This Wreck has been claimed! Thanks to baker Alicia for being such a good sport.)

If you prefer to be shot through the heart, though, you could request the "V-neck special" slice from this Bon Jovi cake:

Don't get me wrong; those frosted highlights are totally rad, dude, but, like, where's his nose? And those stars of David - Oy vay! Get me some bad medicine, stat; this cake is giving more than love a bad name*.


Hmm. You know, I'm thinking this post just isn't Wrecky enough. [Virtually rifling through submissions] AHA!! Here we go:



The best part? It's called a "Macho Man Cake". [Cue the Village People] That's right: it's not an 8-year old boy; it's a MACHO man. Who waxes. And, er, drools black stuff. And likes to lay in a bed of mustard. And has some serious groin grooming issues. And - oh, you get the idea.



*Mini Wrecks contest: whoever works the most Bon Jovi song titles into their comment wins! Not an actual prize or anything, you know; just fame and glory. ;)
Mel said...

Is it just me, or is Jon Bon Jovi wearing a skort?

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Selelcks chest hair looks like brown maggots....or ants.

Bon Jovi looks like he's wearing a skirt.

And the last guy? PEDOPHILE!!

Hallie

The Queen of Fifty Cents said...

Lordy, every time I think the cakes can't get any worse--but they always do! Thanks for the early morning laugh!

Anonymous said...

That Tom Selleck cake is very good technically; it's just really damn scary.

I was going to say something about the "Macho Man" cake looking like an 8-year-old boy in lipstick, but it's too scary to post.

Jade said...

I only have on song title, but I think it sums up the entire post: Captain Crash And The Beauty Queen From Mars.

Leigh said...

I think the creator of the Bon Jovi cake was intimidated by making hands, so they copped out and put one in the pocket of his denim skirt.

Laura said...

Please, oh please, do not tell me someone *paid* for the "macho man" cake. What is that on the sheet... Nacho cheese?

(sorry, not a Bon Jovi fan, no lyrics)

Andrea said...

Is that a third nipple?

as done by Bon Jovi

Fluffy Cow said...

Say it ain't so! That last cake is a Runaway poster child for Social Disease! (Did you see the "hair" coming out of the suit???) Raise Your Hands if you agree! What we need is some Justice in a Barrel, Billy Get your Guns!! I can't wait to Come Back... you Always have the greatest posts!!! Keep the Faith!

Amanda said...

I thought that last one was a cake based on that operation game. Um...but I don't know any Bon Jovi songs. Was "Something for the Pain" Bon Jovi?

allison T said...

this macho man cake gave me a shot through the heart. i think his legs are to blame. judging by how skinny this mach man is, he's been livin' on a prayer, and not much else. he's not going down in a blaze of glory anytime soon. looks like he had some bad medicine. but, ya know, he'll be there for you! although i can't say he's wanted dead or alive.

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

I'm not even going to attempt the Bon Jovi challenge.

I loved Tom Selleck back in the day, but I never wanted to eat his chest hair.

That last one reminds me of the game Operation, except I think he's already dead, so maybe it's now called Autopsy. It looks like even Macho Man was embarrassed by his Cake Wreckiness and tried to slide off the board.

Margie!! said...

These cakes are living on a prayer but I guess I'll be there for them otherwise I will be forced to flee and be wanted, dead or alive. Any tres leches cakes? I hate those slippery when wet cakes, yuck.

Sambora!!!

Sierra said...

This dude doesn’t look too "lucky”.

Maybe he was “wanted dead or alive” and was “shot through the heart” or he could have been playing “roulette” or taken some “bad medicine”. At any rate he is no longer “standing”. “Breathe” dude “breathe”! Well I don’t think he’s “alive”. I hope he has “no regrets”. Maybe he can send us “postcards from the wasteland”.

Macho Man? He might have had “secret dreams” of being “king of the mountain” Sounds like “all talk no action” to me – especially with that “social disease”!

That’s 14. *smiles*

Oh – love the Tom Selleck cake! The Bon Jovi one is well done too.

Your commentary is hilarious as usual! Thanks for the laughs!

Ruth said...

Is it me, or does Jon Bon Jovi look like he's wearing a denim mini-skirt on that cake?

startlingmoniker said...

I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU when you blow out the candles on your next BLAZE OF GLORY. With any luck, you won't need to pass out IN THESE ARMS (or on a BED OF ROSES) after seeing what cakewreck you'll surely be presented with. But seriously, don't RUNAWAY! There's more terrible song titles for you to LAY YOUR HANDS ON in this comment! Voters, be sure to RAISE YOUR HANDS if you think DaveX is the pathetic winner here, and if he's LUCKY, there won't be any need to make the official count be STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN.

Carol said...

Oh, I wish I had a picture of the cake I ordered for a friend's bachelorette party back in 1994. It had a naked guy on it, covered only by a colored plastic Speedo. I was getting even with her for the gawd-awful bridesmaid dresses she picked out. Awful.

Tisha_ said...

Ok, that Tom Selleck thing is way too awesome. I think I might get one for my mom for her b-day next year!

Candice said...

Did anyone else notice that the seams on Bon Jovi's jeans and jacket don't match up? Maybe it's a mini skirt with the zipper on the side seam? That, or his spine is broken, thusly able to rotate like old GI Joe dolls?

Lori said...

I have no Bon Jovi quotes to throw in, which disappoints me more than you know, but is that a denim mini skirt he's wearing?

Yvonne said...

Boy, that cake would go well with some Bitter Wine. It's just Crazy! Maybe instead of the stars of David, the cake could use a Bed of Roses. I guess we should be Lucky that he's at least got the vest on.

Days Like These, as well as Any Other Day, I could use a good laugh. This blog always makes me Come Back.

The Tom Selleck cake makes him look like he's Burning for Love.

(I would write more but I'm at work and time is precious!!)

Etiquette Bitch said...

that last cake...no way was it done by a professional. still hilarious. i think the black drool is supposed to be a cigarette. hilarious!

violet said...

Does this Bon Jovi cake make my butt look big?

Anonymous said...

Why pink flowers on the Tom cake I wonder. Did you notice the board under is matching?

RachelRenae said...

These cakes make me want to 'Runaway'.

Yeah, 1 reference. Pretty sad.

Chrissie A said...

Yikes--how delightfully gag-worthy!!

I just discovered this blog; instantly subscribed to it--what fun!!

stephL! said...

The one at the bottom there looks like either a blow up doll or the dude from Operation. Macho is not a word I use to describe either of these.

Jewel said...

Well, I don't want to "Fall to the Fire" here, but those cakes were worse than "Bad Medicine" and "Bitter Wine". The last time I saw a cake even half as bad as these, it was "August 7, 4:15", and I was at the "Church of Desire".
I know I am new to the Cake Wrecks site - I'm just "A Stranger in this Town" - but "I Believe" I'd much rather be laying in a "Bed of Roses" with a "Diamond Ring" and "Living in Sin" than eat those cakes.
Maybe the baker was just "Misunderstood" - or maybe she was "Naked" and suffering from "Neurotica", but it would take a "Miracle" for someone to not "Runaway" at the sight of them! She must be "Livin' on a Prayer" if she thinks that anyone would touch these things!
Eating them would be like playing "Roulette".
Seriously! "I Want You" to "Raise Your Hands" if you would honestly eat these monstrosities!! "The Answer" is NO!! Tell me we're all "Undivided" in this!
Maybe "It's Just Me", but I need "Something for the Pain" just after looking at those "Ugly" things!
"Keep the Faith", my friends and never "Fear" - there will be cakes that are worse than these! This post is definitely not the "King of the Mountain". "Don't Lie to me" - you know that's true.
Well, I gotta "Bounce" because I have to go "Save the World", but remember that "Every Word was a Piece of my Heart". I "Never Say Goodbye", so.. until next time... Ciao!
Love, "Rosie": "The Queen of New Orleans".

Movie Maven said...

I've been shot through the heart, and these cakes are to blame. I mean, I want them (dead or alive), but maybe a bed of roses would have been better than a bed of mustard. Maybe the groin-grooming problems are more of a social disease than anything else. But keep the faith, y'all - it's not like the cakes are bad medicine. Get ready, because even though these decorators are livin' on a prayer, their designs are gonna go down in a blaze of glory.

Dea said...

OMG, too funny! Guess these are cakes for decorators who refuse to wear hair nets???

I'm bad at the title work-in, so yeah - not even trying! LOL!

Clare said...

Say it isn't so. This cake is livin' on a prayer. I wouldn't want it dead or alive. Would you want to lay your hands on this? It gives cake a bad name. If you ever want to send this cake down in a blaze of (un)glory, I'll be there for you, always. I'd rather be living in sin on a bed of roses than pay money for this. Who says you can't go back to the store and return it? It's your life. In the meantime, I'll keep the faith that someone will destroy this monstrosity. Have a nice day!

Rambler said...

"Get Ready", here comes the winner.

What a great contest! "You Really Got Me Now", or at least my interest. I didn't really want to spend time at work doing this but then I said "It's My Life" and "These Days" it's hard to find a good hairy cake or a good contest. Don't "Lie To Me", you know you want to "Lay Your Hands On..." Tom Selleck. Hopefully they didn't get any real hair in that cake though. We wouldn't want a "Social Disease" outbreak.

The decorator is going to have to "Make a Living Out of Loving You" because he/she may not get any good word of mouth "Without Love". Their business might just be "Livin On A Prayer". But I hope they don't "Say Goodbye" to the cake business.

"Raise Your Hand" and "Lay Your Hands On Me" if you think I won this contest of Bon Jovi wits and we'll celebrate "One Wild Night" by "Rockin In The Free World" and getting "Naked" and "Wild In The Streets" of this "Little City". We can "Bang a Drum" and "Let It Rock". But don't get too crazy or the cops might yell "Billy Get Your Guns" and they'll want us "Dead or Alive" and we may get "Shot Through The Heart". Then we'll be labeled a "Runaway". "Come Back" they'll say, "Never Say Goodbye". Or maybe we'll just be "Shot Through The Heart" and no kind of good or "Bad Medicine" will save us. But when we die, they'll lay us down in a "Bed of Roses" and tell eveyone to '"Keep the Faith", they went down in a "Blaze of Glory".'

I could go on for the "Next 100 Years", but I have work to do.

Brandi said...

I Always Run To You* when I need a good laugh. However, these cakes make me want to Runaway*. I have Always* had Secret Dreams* of one day being a cake decorator, but, I Fear* it'd probably be a Miracle* if I didn't end up on Cake Wrecks myself. It is sure hard, These Days* to find a quality cake decorator. Okay.. I'm off, I will Come Back* soon!

*All Bon Jovi titles :P (Okay I know it kind of sucks but I thought I'd give it a go anyhow. Yes, I was looking at track listings, I am not THAT big of a fan

jencoe said...

OMG!!! You made my morning! I laughed so hard I almost choked on my cereal! I really needed that laugh today. I just love your blog and read it every day.

Twistie said...

Macho man? And here was I thinking it was a little boy with gigantic crotch worms and a habit of smoking licorice whips!

Your contest makes me wish I'd spent more (okay some) of my misspent youth listening to Bon Jovi albums.

Now if it was a Melissa Etheridge or Beatles or Jethro Tull contest...there I could be a serious contender.

Cakes of famous people may be popular, but I must admit they unnerve me slightly.

Besides, who wants to the one who gets the piece that's all Tom Sellick's chest hair? Not appetizing.

Lizard said...

so many disturbing cakes, all at once!

the pink flowers around Tom are almost as bad as the extremely gross chest hair.

Bon Jovi looks like he's wearing a nice denim skirt. Either that, or he's put on a few. Something about the perspective in that one is not working for me at all.

And the macho man.... where to begin? So disturbing. So so disturbing. And what is that yellow stuff? shudder

stinky-horowitz said...

That Tom Selleck cake was awesome! I'd get one for my mom's birthday if I could. The hair was only funny to me.

On the other hand, Bon Jovi's proportions really irk me. He's packing a whole lotta junk in the trunk for that tiny little head. And Macho Man gets a hefty bag of NO.

Deborah Godin said...

I'm totally not a squeamish person...okay, there was the time I saw the poster for the Testicle Festival in Montana (there's one phrase you thought you'd never Google). I also really like cake, but I don't think I could put a spork to any one of these!

Anonymous said...

These cakes are like bad medicine! Although, I am in and out of love with Tom Selleck. I might want to runaway with him! He gives love a bad name, indeed.

On the other hand, it's my life, right? I don't want to be livin' on a prayer forever. We could go down in a blaze of glory, cuz who says you can't go home, right? So let it rock! I'll be there for you, Tommy! Know that you are wanted dead or alive!

Risha said...

I must say that the Tom Selleck cake is truly excellently made, despite making me gag a little.

Gaz said...

You'd think any Bon Jovi fan would be running "Wild in the streets" for a cake with their lead singer on it, but I think I'd be more likely to become a "Runaway" following this disaster. No, I'm sorry, "I Believe" this cake just has to be thrown "To The Fire" - or at least I "Fear" that if that cake was "In These Arms", it would be thrown to the fire.

The person who paid for this disaster will just have to put it down to bad luck, and"Blame It On The Love Of Rock n Roll". The cake maker on the other hand, if they have "A Little Bit Of Soul", will surely not be able to sleep at night, and will probably even admit, "Hey God", I'm shit at making Bon Jovi cakes. Either that or "Keep The Faith" and try again, if "That's What It Takes" to be a good Bon Jovi cake maker anyways. That being said, by the looks of things, this guy could make cakes for the "Next Hundred Years" and be "Just Older", as opposed to being 100 years older and being able to say to his customers "We Got It Going On" where Bon Jovi cakes are concerned. In this scenario, some cool Bon-Jovi-cake-wanting-dude will be able to say "I Want You" to make my bad ass BJ cake.

Well folks, thats all the BJ songs I can be bothered to come up with. I guess the cake maker just had a "This Left Feels Right" moment, when baking it at "7800 degrees Fahrenheit". (are there bonus points for album titles?!?!).

"Have a nice day".

16 songs
2 album titles

marybindc said...

Those jeans make Bon Jovi's butt look big.

Jared Crookston said...

I'm not sure if that's a generic "macho man" or it that is not in fact the worst "Macho Man" Randy Savage that I have ever seen.

Deaf Brown Trash Punk said...

oh dear god. Hairy man's chest on a cake? eewwwwwww. No thanks. I just barfed in my mouth LOL

Karen said...

When I first saw these cakes I wanted to "Runaway", I felt like I had been "Shot Through the Heart", they were that terrible. But then I decided to "Come Back" and "Get Ready" to make some comments on the cakes.

Did the Macho Man cake have a "Breakout" or some sort or a "Social Disease" ....those are weird black marks on his body. I think "Only Lonely" people would find that attractive. They might even have "Secret Dreams" about eating Macho Man (ewwww).

The Tom Selleck cake is a pretty good rendition of him, actually. Tom Selleck is on my list, if you know what I mean. I'd love to say to him: "Lay Your Hands on Me". But the chest hair? "I Believe" that's taking it a bit too far. I "Fear" this cake will make me lose interest in Tom and I won't be a "Woman in Love" anymore.

My sister would love the Bon Jovi cake, she loves him. I "Blame It on the Love of Rock & Roll", because to me he's nothing special. But "These Days" you've got to have "Something to Believe In", and I guess Bon Jovi is better than nothing.

Now, don't "Lie to Me", you think the first 2 cakes are pretty good except for the chest hair. To be honest, the macho man would look better lying in a "Bed of Roses" rather than that ugly mustard stuff.

I want you to know that I check this blog "Everyday" and while some cakes may be "Misunderstood", I "Always" think the cakes are pretty awful wrecks. "I Am" glad I found ths blog.
"Have a Nice Day"

Mary said...

This was a Macho Man cake? Say It Isn't So! The baker must be Wanted Dead Or Alive for that monstrosity. Honestly, If That's What It Takes to mark the march of Father Time I think I’ve Misunderstood something. I just want to Runaway from that Damned thing. Please Lie To Me and tell me again how to Get Ready for a birthday? I mean Hook Me Up here, we all want The Answer. It must be to Breakout a dose of Bad Medicine Everyday and keep Livin' On A Prayer – that or set it afire in a Blaze Of Glory

LadyCiani said...

Enh, I'm a bit too young to participate in the Bon Jovi goodness, but my first instinct on the "Macho Man" cake was that it was some kid's submission into the county fair (you know, based on the name card just above and to the left). Turns out it's not, but the "mustard" must be Cointreau.

Anonymous said...

Hairy cakes? "Say it isn't so"! Eww, I think I'll "Runaway" from that one. It's not "Everyday" you see pubic hair depicted in frosting. But could it be the intent is "Misunderstood"? Maybe it was meant for someone with a "Social Disease". Okay, stop laughing long enough to "Breathe", would you? :o)
(stupid, huh? LOL)
~Amy B

Hereward said...

Is it just me or does the Bon Jovi cake make it look like he's wearing a denim skirt, 'cause wearing a 'sweater' AND a denim skirt, THAT'S hott!

LindsayLuu said...

I quite like the Tom Sellack cake... fun blog!

Chaucer's Bitch said...

I have to say I think the Tom Selleck cake is, in fact, fabulous. I would love to get that for my birthday. I'll even forgive the pink flowers!

Brandi said...

I have a deep need to understand only why Jon Bon Jovi is wearing a denim mini skirt. The rest makes perfect sense!

Ashley said...

Get ready for this...These cakes are wild in the streets. I am sure that these cakes are just misunderstood. Maybe someday the fear of those chest hairs will vanish. Just jump aboard the mystery train, its open all night for anyone who wants a slice of that love for sale macho man cake. Just remember to keep the faith, because everyday there will be more cake wrecks just waiting to be discovered. We will Always come back to read about the real life cake wrecks.

Have a nice day
~Jessica

Anonymous said...

the selleck cake is actually really well executed!

sorry... not a bon jovi fan. couldn't come up w/ anything pithy. :(

Keith said...

That Selleck is pretty rad.

Meg said...

I totally call the piece with the Tom Selleck chest hair. Mmmm chest hair.

Anonymous said...

"You really got me now" - Jen -- I tried to "runaway" from this blog, but I can "never say goodbye" -- "I believe(d)" I could, but "it's (too) hard, letting you go" and I thought that "with a little help from my friends" I "imagine(d)" I would "have a nice day" without cake wrecks, but (sigh), "everybody's broken" and "you know how to make a memory" -- and even though it's "complicated" I'll "keep the faith" and "stay" since "no one does it like you" -- I guess that means I can "never say goodbye"

"I thank you" - "Keep the faith" ;)
Beensie

mere9 said...

lest he lay in a 'bed of roses', because he was 'shot through the heart' (first album people, yes, it IS a song title), this cake is a 'runaway' winner. i'd be remiss not to mention gina, who was 'living on a prayer' when this cake arrived, it was if she was 'in and out of love' with her man who said, "baby, 'i'd die for you', and that's why i'll 'never say goodbye'".
'lay your hands on me'.. err, this cake, and i bet you'll 'keep the faith'.
now... 'have a nice life'.
:)

Jana said...

OH I just about pee myself every time I read this blog! I could just die about the 8 year old boy-ish cake! Major issues there!

Ok so I know I'm a nobody but I'm giving you this little "I love your blog" award, so feel free to post it! From a nobody who happens to LOVE your blog!

http://www.lifewithguys.blogspot.com/ (just copy the award and put it on your blog!)

Thanks for making me laugh.

Miss Kolleen said...

i know what im ordering my friend for his next birthday. a tom selleck cake is just what he needs.

Michelle and Andrea said...

This is hilarious! We LOVE your blog! We check it daily! Thanks for keeping us laughing :)

superbadgirl said...

Oh, my goodness. Poor Bon Jovi would be upset to know he's been in a cake mashup with the characters from South Park.

Say It Isn't So, but I may have a Cold Heart Heart, or maybe it's that I've had a taste of Bad Medicine downed with Bitter Wine(I needed Something for the Pain), but seeing this cake made me lose a Little Bit of Soul.

We all need Something to Believe In, but this cake ain't The Answer. Bon Jovi's miproportioned body parts are Ugly. I'm talking real Guano City. It might be extreme, but I think the decorator should be listed as Wanted Dead or Alive, If That's What it Takes.

I know that was harsh, but Every Word Was a Piece of My Heart.

Cinder said...

Bon Jovi also appears to have a dislocated shoulder. He looks rather South Park-y around the arm region. He looks like Ms. Garrison, actually. Ponderous.

Gina said...

I've been a cake wreck reader for some time but I was waiting for just the right moment to comment...Bon Jovi seems to be it! Here it goes....

Its my cake....its now or never.....machoman's going live forever....I just want to make hairy cakes while Im alive....
Its my cake!
...baw...baw.....
My cake is like a work of art...
Like Jennie said I did it MY way, I just want to make hairy cakes while I'm alive...
It's my Cake!
Baw...baw.....

Macho Man cake you Better stand tall when they're calling you out.
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down....

It's my cake!.....

For another Bon semi song:
Live, Love & Let Loose: Mondays are such a drag......

BTW, I actually love the Tom cake and like some other readers mentioned I think my mom would L-O-V-E a cake that resembles him so well...too bad its missing the bottom half...opps, might've gone to far on that one.

To the maker of the Macho man cake: You give cakes a bad name! LOL

To all: "Have a nice day! ;)"
-xo Gina

Anonymous said...

ya i can make cakes way better than all these ones

Anonymous said...

I just have to say that I absolutely heart your blog. I could understand the Tom Selleck cake if this were, say, 1986, at the height of the Magnum, PI era. But I don't understand it now, in 2008. Unless, of course, Emma is about 60 and still pining for her lost youth with Magnum and his short shorts.

evil cake lady said...

it looks like the macho man is under the weather--doesn't he look a little clammy and pale to you?

is that REALLY a professional cake? seriously?

Aaron said...

The Macho Man must be really nervous or self-conscious to be sweating so profusely. I mean look at the surface of that cake. It is absolutely glistening with perspiration.

Chrissy said...

Is it bad that my sister Emma has a birthday coming up and all I can think is that I wonder if anyone in Tucson can recreate that Tom Selleck cake? It is? Oh, okay....

Avoluv said...

Oh, you really got me now!
Dyin' ain't much of a livin', so I better runaway before I die of some damned social disease - I need some bitter wine to flush that post down, or otherwise something to believe in to prevent me from paying blood money to manage a breakout - get ready, by the time I'm done I'll be wanted dead or alive!

But still I believe I may have a Crush on the 'Macho Man'. It's all about lovin', you must understand. I wouldn't want to be misunderstood! Please don't think I am complicated now. I wouldn't want to give love a bad name, so raise your hands if this is too much.

Some day I'll be a wildflower, but not next saturday night, because then I'll always, everyday, be asleep these days.

Please, though, for the hairy chest-man? Say it isn't so, and if it is, at least give me something for the pain, mmkay? Just make sure it isn't some kind of bad medicine. I'll just have to keep the faith in you.

Get ready 'cause I will come back! Reading CakeWrecks is like playing Roulette during a silent night - once you're in it, you never say goodbye!

Have a nice day and thank you for loving me - maybe. At least a little bit =)I'll be there for you tomorrow to laugh at more of your priceless commentary!

---Avocado Love

(That's 36 to save you the counting :P)

ScrapperMom said...

I tried to read all the comments to see if anyone else noticed that the Macho Cake is in fact a blow up doll! Yikes!

I can't hold in my laughter most days. Thank you so much for adding to my lame days!

I'm not even going to attempt to add any songs! I'm just not that creative!

Jorge PatiƱo said...

Jesus Harold Christ, Jen! This is, by far, one of the best-worst entries ever! Oh, God, I think I'm crying tears of joy...

Ashley said...

Whoever created the cake should bounce. I get it- you're saying, "It's my life", however there is no excuse for bad medicine, or in this case, bad cake. Always give people noses, otherwise they can't possibly have a nice day. Furthermore, any cake should not make someone want to runaway or feel like they were shot through the heart. Get ready because that cake is most definitely something of a social disease. Raise your hands if you feel that whoever commissioned that cake is livin' on a prayer, hoping to make everyone wild in the streets. Never say goodbye to good sense, keep the faith that I'll be there for you regardless of inappropriate chest hair. Finally, you have to wonder who this cake was made for- are they in and out of love with Bon Jovi? Because that cake is just living in sin.

(Total: 16)

Trevor said...

Is it just me, or does the tag next to the last cake say "Catering by Design?" Um, WHO'S design would be? Someone who's never seen an adult male it seems. Or perhaps is just a man-hater to give him such and odd STD and fat lip!
Sorry, no Bon Jovi lyrics here, but I thought that cake was some professional wrestler at first!

Walking With Scissors said...

That Bon Jovi cake is wrong on so many levels. First off, check out that booty! Secondly, what's with the forearm being longer than the upper arm? Is Bon Jovi actually a little person? And, where is his other arm?

I may come back and comment on the macho man cake after I've uncurled from my fetal position and stopped sucking my thumb. Scary...

Christy said...

Okay, Tom Selleck looks like he has WORMS crawling all over his chest. Disgusting!!!

The Engelhardt 4 said...

How sad that the maker of the 'macho man' cake put their card next to it!! Ickk!!! He is DISGUSTING!!!

Kelli said...

I can't work the song lyrics, but does this cake make JBJ's ass look big? I mean, messing up that booty is a travisty!

Kelly said...

Tom cracks me up because there he is, in all of his hairy manly glory, surrounded by pink flowers.

alicia policia said...

Ok, so I'm a big fan of this blog, and an avid reader.

And I've been waiting for my cake to pop up on here for over two months now. Today is my lucky day!

I am the infamous Tom Selleck cake decorator!

I'm cracking up about being included on Cake Wrecks, especially with such primo company. Wow, that last one takes my breath away... I'm speechless.

And just so everyone knows:
- No, I am not a professional cake decorator.
- The Tom Selleck cake was an intentionally bizarre cake made for my friend's birthday. She loved it.
- No, Emma is not over 60.
- And despite hair + icing being a gross out factor for many, the chest hair pieces were being claimed before the cake was even cut, and were the first to go, followed by the mustache pieces!

I wrote an email to Jen with some more info and history on the Tom Selleck cake in case you're interested.

Meanwhile, I am simultaneously honored, thrilled, and disgusted to be included on Cake Wrecks. Thank you, one and all!

And who knows, you might see me here again...

...If you only knew how many people have been emailing me with requests for David Hasselhoff cakes! What's more, I'm actually considering doing it.

Alix said...

There's just no visual on earth that can compare to a Tom Selleck cake with brown icing (right?) chest hair. Especially first thing in the morning. Mmmm indeed.

Meichelle said...

The Pedophile comment makes me laugh. I seriously thought that too!!

merbear said...

I'm a personal friend of the person who made this cake, and she's not a professional. She's just awesome. She made the cake for a friend's birthday and was not paid for it.
Here's her blog entry about it:
http://aliciapolicia.blogspot.com/2008/06/tasty-tom-selleck.html

wavecloud said...

When the cake gets in my way, I say, "Have a nice day."

Nina Revenant said...

Hilarious!

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Who made the Jovi cake? I think "She`s a Little Runaway" probably "Living on a Prayer" since her cake making skills leave something to be desired. If you eat chest hair you will need some "Bad Medicine". You can still"Have a Nice Day" tho.

I have to admit I think Bon Jovi is Hot. He could make me fall "In and Out of Love". I would keep him for "Always". In my house he is "Wanted Dead or Alive" (hey that is my ringtone) I would"Never Say Goodbye"

Now back to the Bon Jovi Cake. If I want a Bon Jovi Cake I will have one... hey "It`s My Life" so "Hush" because " I Want to Be Loved" by "The Last Man Standing"

If you want to come over and help me eat cake "I`ll Be There For You" and I will remind you that "You Can`t Lose at Love" even if you take "My Last Cigarette"

I bet the person that made that cake is "Wild as The Wind" it could be worse, she could have some "Love For Sale" ( ick "Say it Aint So") Maybe she holds up a big sign that says "Lay Your Hands On Me" or maybe she is just "Living in Sin" ohhhhh I hope she does not have a "Social Disease"

Remember to use caution if you take the cake outside it is "99 In The Shade"

Hey cake lady can make a baby shower cake that says " You were Born to be my Baby" or maybe she is "On a Homebound Train" after all "Who says You Can`t Go Home" The hair cake may be gross but I still say "Stick To Your Guns"

The cake WAS a good idea ( gone bad) Jon makes a girl want to say "Ride Cowboy Ride" and he can still "Let it Rock" and make you "Raise Your Hands".

Hey without a good ol fashioned school girl crush we would all just be "Wild in the Streets" "Without Love" like a "Wildflower"

We live in a country represented by "Bells of Freedom" so she can make any darn cake she wants.

I bet that cake was "Complicated". If you eat too much of the chest hair you may need "Novocaine" unless your teeth are "Unbreakable"

I could go on and on. I could try to work in songs like "Dirty Little Secrets" or Welcome to Wherever You Are" but that would be obnoxious... so I will quit.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

LOL naming all of those songs put me in the mood for some Bon Jovi. Since he is not around I had to settle for listening to his Crossroads CD.

"Keep The Faith"

L

Amy Ellen said...

Oh my gosh those are too funny, I can not belive the things some people make and then eat, blech!!! I do have to say though someone did capture Tom Sellecks looks pretty well although seriously chest hair on a cake, blech!!! Again, LOL

Terri said...

OK, that is just frightening!

Katie said...

that last cake is just 'eeewwww' on so many levels!

Sukkim Lama said...

It's nice post.

Kim said...

I apologize for this ahead of time...You'll be alright once this is over - "Just Older"...much older this comment is LONG.

"Get Ready". This comment will go "The Distance". "I Am" "Complicated" and that’s the "Story of My Life". But "It’s My Life" and "I’m Livin’ on a Prayer" - "Prayer ‘94", to be exact, but it’s "99 in the Shade". Hope it won’t take "The Next 100 Years" to read this. It’s just that "I Want to be Loved", valued, "Wanted Dead or Alive" and not "Misunderstood". So, "Welcome to Wherever You Are" and "Thank you for Loving Me" even though "You Give Love a Bad Name".
"Let it Rock"...

I’ll be "Damned" - The Tom Selleck cake is quite a good likeness and seems to be saying “Lay Your Hands on Me” but I wouldn’t recommend it. I "Believe" that icing will "Stick To Your Guns"! They say "You Can’t Lose at Love" but you can lose at cake-making, as evidenced by the crawly things on his chest.
Oh, "Say It Ain’t So"! That creepy "Last [Macho] Man Standing" is not a man at all and isn’t standing. It’s (she’s) laying in a bird poo-like substance and a "Bed of Roses" would surely be preferable. She (Rosie) is scantily clad and "Ugly"/underdeveloped because of "Bad Medicine". "She’s a Mystery" on a "Mystery Train" - not a "Homebound Train" - headed for "Social Disease". She’s obviously "Living In Sin" and has "Love for Sale". What is life "Without Love", after all? But "Love Lies", so I had her "Shot Through the Heart" for "Blood Money" on "One Wild Night" in a "Two Story Town" even though "She Don’t Know Me". "I Got and the Girl" and she needs "Something For the Pain" but no amount of "Novocaine" will help. I know it’s harsh but "This Ain’t a Love Song" and I didn’t see a "Diamond Ring". She smoked her "Last Cigarette", "Burning for Love" in a "Blaze of Glory" crying “ I don’t want to 'Fall to the Fire'”....and so on....

(Wow, most of that had nothing to do with cake. Sorry.)

As for the Bon Jovi cake - "I Want You"! "You Were Born to Be My Baby". I "Fear" I shouldn’t have cake "These Days", however. "(It’s Hard) Letting You Go", frosted frosting hair and all. But If "That’s What it Takes" to lose a couple pounds, I’ll do it."Keep the Faith"! "Someday I’ll be Saturday Night" and "I’ll be There for You", "In and Out of Love". "I’d Die for You", even. Plus, "Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen From Mars" have come to "Save the World" with a "Miracle"!

And there’s more good news: This comment is almost over! So "Raise Your Hands", ring the "Bells of Freedom" and run "Wild in the Streets", "Wild is the Wind", like a Wildflower!
Question: "Who Says You Can’t Go Home?"
"Answer": "The King of the Mountain" and the "Queen of New Orleans". They are lonely and would like you to stay.
However, you know you can "Brakeout" and "Runaway" but "Never Say Goodbye" because you know you’ll "Come Back" - So "Hush".
Sorry that was long but "It’s Just Me" and "Every Word Was a Piece of My Heart".
Well, gotta’ "Bounce" - "My Guitar Lies Bleeding in My Arms", getting "Blood on Blood" so I should probably clean it up..
As "Always", "Have a Nice Day"... "Everyday".

-"JOEY"

P.S. "Don’t Lie To Me". You are all "Undivided" in your hatred for my "Neurotica", aren’t you?

I believe that’s almost all of ‘em ...except "Roulette"...which I used just now. :)

Again, I apologize. This was just awful.

C. B-ger said...

PS: The Tom Selleck cake may be a wreck conceptually, but it's also pretty dang awesome!!

Kim and Dave said...

The last cake looks like an autopsy of Flat Stanley, after one of his many trips ended in tragedy.

Skiriki said...

Okay, now I feel like a pervert, because I'd so totally be all over that Tom Selleck cake. It must be the chest hair. That hypnotic, swirly, tasty cake-decoration chest hair. :( :( :( What is wrong with me? :D

Anonymous said...

lol, so funny! with the selleck cake, omg.

"Would you like some chest hair or eyebrows?"

I can't do the Bon Jovi title thing, because it would mean admitting that I know the name of more than 2 Bon Jovi songs. ;)

Stephanie said...

That Tom Selleck cake is AWESOME! It's a shame that with how well done the whole cake is, the chest hair looks like little worms (my first thought was actually maggots, ugh!)

alexis giselle said...

oh wow. the first is my favorite. can i have the middle hairy piece??

THAT GIRL said...

Don't get me wrong... CAKE is my favorite food... but I just couldn't go there. Nope.

takingheart.blogspot.com

Lovey said...

God, I LOVE Tom Selleck! I WANT THIS CAKE!!! :)

P.L. Frederick said...

Lucky Emma! That's one delicious nest of birthday worms to dig into there. Unless Tom Selleck gets to 'em first.

P.L. Frederick (Small & Big)

Queen Mutha said...

My first laugh in the morning. I love the last one.

Linda said...

Love your site.

Melissa said...

Oh! Zoom in on Macho Man cake and see how it's right shoulder area has been patched back together. It looks like there's red (blood?) under his left arm, too.

Cointreau Dark Chocolate Cake by Catering By Design (sign next to it) is something I 'll be wary of for the rest of my life!

Thanks for the laughs!

Kim said...

I have to agree with the majority ... Bon Jovi is definitely wearing a skort.

But the Macho Man cake seems to have somewhat of an explanation. If you look closely, it seems the tag next to it says Cointreau Dark Chocolate Cake. I'm guessing the - ahem - chef (and I use that term loosely) drank a little bit too much of that Cointreau while decorating, got "creative", and it ended as the tragic icing accident you see before you.

makeupandpearls said...

speedos are so not macho. i pity the person who got that slice!

Amanda in Louisiana said...

I refuse to believe that last one is a cake!! It looks like a ginormous wad of silly putty that some kid who needs severe counseling drew a person onto. The more I look at it, the more disturbing it is!!!The facial features are quite feminine. The raging pubes and third nipple speak for themselves... When you look close (if you dare!) you see several large cracks, like someone dropped it. I love the expertly drawn fingers and toes! Seriously, macho?! This can't possibly be professionally made. I think someone forgot to take their meds...

SolaMommy said...

Um...I don't like body hair in my food, icing or not. Blech!

bella said...

I think that looks a lot more like Corey Feldman than Jon Bon Jovi. Hmmm. Crossover cakes! Yummy!

Lady Violet said...

my aunt would love the hairy chested tom selleck.

Joanne said...

That Tom Selleck cake is amazing. I mean it, if I don't get one for my next birthday, heads will roll!!!

jmb said...

I think the Selleck-cake's design is awesome. The array of daisies transforms it into some sort of 60's latin-lounge masterpiece. I would have been honored to get this cake for my birthday.

Wendee said...

I am literally LAUGHING MY BUTT OFF (lmao...just didnt cut it this time) reading these comments. My children are staring at me questioningly...but what else is new! :O)

Caren said...

I think macho man got shot in the family jewels and the brown goo oozing out of his mouth and out of his speedo is supposed to be blood. It might explain why he's lying down looking like a corpse. That's far more palatable than unkempt groin hair! This cake is disgusting on so many levels... Perhaps that third nipple is an additional gunshot wound...

Cheers to Jen. This site makes me laugh till I cry :)

Valarie said...

There seems to be something wrong (to me anyway) about Tom Sellek on a cake with pretty peach and pastel green flowers... The Bon Jovi cake just makes me laugh. I haven't been able to take him seriously in years (since he tried acting), but the fact that he is noseless, neckless, wearing a skirt and apparentley Jewish on this just make sit all the more comical. I don't really know what to say on the last one other than the fact that the decorator needs help if he thinks there is anything macho about that cake *shudder*

mattgermain said...

what? no one ever thought to bake a Magnum P.I.-E?

purple-goat said...

LOL, my mom loves Tom Selleck. I wonder if the local Walmart bakery will make me a copy of that cake for her next birthday? ;)

empty hand said...

hey cake looks yummy!!

Free-D Media said...

What disturbs me about the "macho man" cake (aside from the pubic hair, you have to wonder WHAT is going on in there???) is that it looks like excess flesh just oozing out from the outline of him...ugh.

fug estate said...

Selleck is undressing us with his eyes and frigtening us with his profuse chest hair. Seriously. I have to keep looking at his eyes to see if they follow me across the room.

Macho Man: I didn't know one could commission a cake that looks like a blow-up doll, but there he is.

Rachael M. said...

Oh my...macho man and his issues cracked us up here today. Said my husband, "I was wondering when police stopped using chalk to outline dead bodies and started using mustard."

I mean, bless his heart...his outlines all ran and then he slid nearly off his aluminum foil bed.

wow.

I have seen the Tom Selleck cake before. It pretty much wins :-) You know you've hit the top when you're immortalized in icing!

Mary said...

I think the Tom Selleck one is awesome.

The third one is pretty awful

willowsprite said...

Where's Jon's neck? Looks like they ran out of room...lol

Anonymous said...

ohh my God !

Michelle said...

The Tom Selleck cake isn't that Wreck-y--I mean, it's executed well. The horror is that someone wanted that cake.

However, the Macho Man cake more than makes up for it. I don't know what's wrong with that Macho Man, but I think it might be fatal. (Also, darn it, I have "Macho Man" stuck in my head now....)

Mel said...

Oh my goodness, you don't even know how hard you make me laugh. Like I can hardly breathe, I'm lauging so hard. I love your description on the last cake. The laying in mustard, grooming issues, ahh! Actualy TEARS are coming out of my eyes from laughter. The best blog ever.

MandaLee said...

You should definitely just show case this masterful blog to some magazine. It's beyond entertaining. Egads-thanks for teaching me a new expression! Moreover, how shameful of the cake makers. That's rather disturbing. eww.
point-blank,ew.

-amanda decosta.

Anonymous said...

I think the Tom Selleck cake is more of an "Odd Topic for Cake Decoration" than a wreck. If I was Tom Selleck's biggest fan, I'd be pleased as punch to taste that frosting chest hair. The cake decorator should be praised for taking a crazy request and making something good-looking out of it. :)

LayetteOnMeBaby said...

that last one is just wrong...WRONG I SAY!!! I have sooo enjoyed reading your blog...thanks for the laughs!!

Amy

Karen L. said...

I feel like I've had a brush with nearly-almost-fame, having gone to high school with the Tom Selleck cake decorator (where she was already known as an incredible artist.)

As a matter of fact, I recognized the cake as hers before I read that she'd already claimed it! I was so psyched to send it to her on facebook, too.

Jordan said...

Gahaha, love the first cake! I know so many people who would DEMAND a chest-hair slice. The flowers make it even better.
The second one...wait. Wait a second. Last time I checked, Bon Jovi had a neck, didn't he?

Anonymous said...

The Tom Selleck cake is awesome! Heck... Tom Selleck is awesome! I would love that cake for my birthday. The decorator did a fantastic job. When you think of Tom...you think chest hair and mustache and she definitely nailed that image perfectly!!!

Jamie K said...

Ha! I happen to be watching a rerun of "Friends" and Tom Selleck was ON SCREEN when I saw the cake. Bwahahaha!

marsmellow said...

My 8 yr old son said,
"It looks like worms are in his underpants"

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind having a "piece" of Tom Selleck...lol. She did a fantastic job! Love the chest hair. Best cake ever!

Anonymous said...

Jon Bon Jovi's chest hair looks like it's flipping someone off.

Anonymous said...

I would totally love that tom seleck cake! it's cheesy, but looks pretty good. :)

Meg

TB Tabby said...

The "Macho Man" cake looks more like an Operation cake. All that's missing is the red nose. The Crappy Cake for Dippy Doctors!

Lizzi said...

Ohhh, I thought it was a Burt Reynolds cake...

ladraco said...

Aww... I think the Tom Selleck one is pretty good, actually! It's probably exactly what they requested, and the baker can't help that. She did a great job giving the customer what they wanted!

Now Macho Man, on the other hand...

Ashley said...

OH MY GOD I JUST SAW WHO HAD THE TOM SELLECK CAKE!!!

She's friends with one of my friends!!!

OH MY GOD I'M IN SUCH CLOSE PROXIMITY TO WRECKAGE!!

Ashley said...

Or rather, a friend of a friend got the TRIBUTE Tom Selleck cake! holy crap!

Melassa said...

Actually, I looove that Tom Selleck cake. XD I'm amazed that the baker was able to get the likeness of Tom so well in icing! And I for one think the chest hair part is just silly enough to work.

I wasn't even old enough to be a Tom Selleck fangirl when magnum pi was on tv, but it still makes me squee just a bit when I see that cake. XD He can make even us young spring chickens a little happy, I suppose. hahaha

LMAO, I actually have a family member who would probably laugh hard if she got this cake for her bday. She used to babysit me when I was a baby and tell my mom how she was going to get me addicted to Tom by watching Magnum PI with her. XD It instantly made me think of her.

Emma said...

My name is Emma, and this actually really freaked me out when I saw it....all I could think was 'No! Nooooo! *quickly scrolls away from the horror*'

Anonymous said...

Today's my birthday; it's cakes like these that make me very glad I have my mom and friends to make my cake, I know it's in good, capable hands.

Anonymous said...

Oh no... you've already seen the Tom Selleck cake (although, how could you not have?)

I found that one awhile back when I googled him. All I have to say is

chest hair on a cake?

VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT


it terrifies me.

kayak said...

Totally cool how the Selleck cake background decoration matches the cake board.

Miss Didi said...

That tom sellick cake looks pretty& sexy--I mean, that 'stache?! Those flowers?! I REALLY REALLY want one of these, and would happily pay lots of money for it! The girl who had a friend make it for her is one lucky lassie!

SRumzis said...

Ok I'm gonna Bang the Drum to announce my personal attempt at a Blaze of Glory as I try to be Superman Tonight and use the most Bon Jovi songs, if only to Make a Memory.

I say make No Apologies for that Tom Selleck cake... These Days I'm Burning for Love with that Miracle of a man on my mind. I think I might just Runaway to Mr. Selleck's house so I can join him on a Bed of Roses as we thoroughly enjoy Living in Sin. Hey, It's My Life!

On the other hand, Mr. Waxman can't even remember When We Were Beautiful, as his Ugly limp body cries out from the cake board, "Are you Happy Now? Give me Something for the Pain!!!" (like a Bullet). Mr. Waxman, I would love to tell you to Keep the Faith, that you're only Misunderstood... but I wouldn't want you to Lie to Me either, and this is Real Life, so I gotta Say It Isn't So.

Well I Make No Apologies at this shameless stretch of "words put to lyrics", I know I'm Livin' on a Prayer with this one for sure. Well, as Always, Have a Nice Day!