Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Resolution Time

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Each January, millions of people around the world use the dawning of a new year as a reason to stop eating HoHos. And each January, millions of people fail miserably.

[shaking fist] (I wish I knew how to quit you, HoHos!)

But not this year...

This year, I resolve to:

Eat more fruits and vegetables.

This counts, right?


Cut down on my caffeine intake.

...especially while baking. It makes your hands shake and there's nothing worse than dropped Bawls.


Take responsibility for my mistakes - even the itty-bitty ones that no one else would ever really notice.

The frownie face shows I'm sincere.


Learn Esperanto.

So I can be more like Captain Kirk.


And finally, stop selling babies on the black market.

...or at least start packaging them better. (Customs can be such a pain in the butt.)


Thanks Rachel T., Lisa, Alicia G., Monique R., Jessica R., Karilee S. Hmm, Captain Kirk, beer and herpes. I think I remember that episode...
D.H. said...

Uh... does that Bawl's one say happy 18th birthday?...

Tricia L said...

Grapes? On a cake? Embedded in buttercream? That's almost as bad as all those cakes from yesterday. Thanks, I think I'll pass.

Melinda said...

Hey, you want to quit HoHos? Read the comments from yesterday's post. *shudder*

acseverson said...

Grapes on a cake! I've had enough of these muthaf'in grapes on the muthaf'in cake!

Bethany said...

That last one would be pretty adorable if it didn't have the weird baby butt thing going on.

Anonymous said...

@ D.H.
I some parts of Canada you can drink when you are 18.

Charles said...

About the grapes... It is a Spanish tradition to eat 12 grapes on new years. Each grape brings luck for one of the following months.

Sharon said...

You would think a "Gift from Heaven" would be packaged a little bit better than that.

A pre-determined escape artist?

Sharon's Edible Art

Analise said...

Uh, guys...as far as I know Bawls is just a really caffeinated drink, no alcohol in it. So it doesn't matter if the person is 18 and in the US (or Canada or wherever).

Sarah McNair said...

Jen, It's easy to give up Hoho's! Just eat a swiss cake roll and whalla no more Hoho craving. Now letting go of the swiss cake rolls is a whole different issue...I don't think it can be done.

Stuckinmypedals said...

@Charles-what a cool tradition, but I still think I'd prefer my 12 grapes sans cake, or whatever that is under the grapes.

Sandy C also in SoFla said...

Ok, the grapes??? REALLY? There are waaaay more than 12 (one for each month). Hmmm, the recipient cannot have strawberries, doesn't like blueberries, and green is her favorite color... I know-I'll put GRAPES on the cake!! It's a berry, right? kinda, right?

And the herpes cookie. Was that supposed to be a make-up gift after telling or was this the way to break the news???

Yeah, I think BAWLS was another energy drink.

cryandwriteasong said...

"...there's nothing worse than dropped Bawls."

BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA. I actually snorfed when I read that. Haha, excellent.

Shannon said...

That Herpes cookie totally cracked me up. Can you imagine taking the order for that? How do you not flinch when the person hands you money to pay? LOL hilarious.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

@D.H. and Anony@10:01

Since I've never heard of "Bawls" drink, I googled it. It's a highly caffeinated energy beverage (probably similar to Red Bull, so, instead of giving you wings...you get balls o.O) and I don't see any alcohol content. So, an 18 YO would be legal.

Thanks CW & Google - learn something new every day!

"I like to drink Bawls!" Heh heh *snicker*

wv: diditi: Why diditi biti baby come out of the box? Someone forgot to make "breathing holes" - poor thing was suffocating in there!

Anonymous said...

No such thing as alcoholic Bawls! It's an amazing soda/energy drink. Try it some time!

Rob W. said...

Defense lawyer to the jury:

"Yes, this last picture shows a baby half in a box. But I don't think that proves he's a smuggling criminal. I think it just proves he's very bad at packing."

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Looks like we might get another EPCOT! :-D

wv: whign: Please don't whign about the herpes...I said I was sorry and got you a big cookie!

Ruth said...

I'm in the UK so no problem with a bottle of booze on a cake for an 18 year old - even though it turns out it's a non-alcoholic drink, in which case I don't really get why it's on the cake - it would make more sense if it WAS alcoholic, at least in the UK, for someone turning 18 and legally allowed to buy alcohol

wv: delete - quite appropriate for so many wrecks!

Momcat said...

The "gift from Heaven" cake was actually beautifully executed. Too bad it was so ill-conceived!

Lark said...

I thought it said 10th birthday on the bawls cake, but when I counted the candles, there were 16 of them.

The herpes cake just leaves ya wondering...

I think the baby cake is kinda cute, but somewhat scary at the same time...

Anonymous said...

*Peers very closely at the cherries cake*

"Congrats Spr 2K9 Noo of the Theta Jau & Kappa Alpha Psi! To be Konitue."

"Congratulations, such-and-such a sorority or fraternity of the class of Spring 2009. To be continued on the other cake"?

That's the first time I've seen a PTO on a cake. Perhaps they need a new acronym, PLONC: "Please look on next cake."

- Cheryl

The Boob Nazi said...

I love the reference to Brokeback Mountain. It's my favorite line from that movie, and I try to work it into my conversations at least once a day.

Sarah said...

I prefer to be more like Rimmer by only aspiring to learn Esperanto.

stephanie said...

wtf are people thinking when they go to the bakery????

Catstina said...

D.H. In Finland (and many other countries in the World) the drinking age is not 21. In Finland you can drink beer and cider at 18 and then all of the hard alcohols at 20. Perhaps the individual is in an other country.

mladybright said...

Glad I wasn't the only one to attempt a translation of the sorority/fraternity cake... to be Konitue??? ROFL Double 'of'??? Double ROFL

I think the grapes were for more than one person. Yeah... that's it.

*giggle* Sad cakes, love the commentary.

Not sure about the Bawls, but maybe the wreckerator wasn't 18 yet, so had to buy/use non-alcoholic drink? Odd. But then, I'm old enough to remember 18 being legal. And 21 becoming legal. And being legal both times.

Yeah, I'm old. Shhh -- you will be too, one day.

I also agree on the HoHo addiction, switch to Swiss Cake Rolls, addiction solved.

Keep on cakin', JenandJohn!
~~Di

NiteNurse said...

Yes, LooE LooI--- we may indeed be moving towards an Epcot threat level based on the Bawls episode. Right now the threat level is yellow---- but, PEOPLE, stay alert! Keep your eyes open and don't let anyone touch your luggage!




WV:buladl: As the great Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can buladl you without your consent."

Anonymous said...

Bawl's doesn't contain alcohol, just a lot of caffeine.

Knit Wit said...

So is the herpes cookie supposed to make the recipient feel better about having contracted herpes? Kind of like a bandaid on a boo-boo?

Wow. Just wow.

I think perhaps my resolution to avoid buttercream just became easier.

Mags said...

LMAO... does that really say "Sorry about the herpes?!!" How awful a message is that?!!!

Donna said...

I think I'll stick with the HoHo's, personally.

Paloma said...

Poor baby... already has serious cellulite issues. *twitch* Who wants a piece of the diaper??

Aliza said...

While the grapes-on-cake are weird, that raised cluster with something stuck to them just makes them thoroughly unappealing. And I *like* grapes. Particularly once they're squished and fermented ;)

I can see why some need to cut down on their caffeine intake, but isn't that a rather odd thing to put on a birthday cake? I can see why friends would put a bottle of booze on an 18th, 19th or 21st b-day cake (depending upon the drinking age in your jurisdiction), but would you put a can of Coke or Root Beer on a cake? No? then why Bawls? (Although it is a pretty colour... and an amusing name).

Nope, a lame cookie would NOT make up for that.

That boxed-baby cake would've been nice without the baby butt. And lumpy baby legs. Thumbs up on the execution, thumbs down on the concept.

PS What's a HoHo?!

Anonymous said...

Babies with cellulite thighs. Yum.

Annette said...

Oh my, the things I learn from Cakewrecks! Now I have to go someplace where I can place my beverage order and say "I'd like some Bawls please!"

Kimpossible said...

Yes, I'd like to order a cake for a baby shower. Something in mind? Why, yes I do. I'd like a cake shaped like a present with the baby's butt and legs hanging out of the box, OK? Thanks!

WTH???

Regan said...

Well, in Spain grapes are traditionally eaten on New Years.

But not on a cake. And that cake doesn't say anything about New Years.

So yeah. I've got nothing.

Annette said...

Followup: I had to check where one can buy Bawls... how fitting is it that one of the retailers that sells it is called Kum & Go?

Anna B. said...

I've made a "sorry about the herpes" cake before. A frat boy type ordered it for another frat boy type. I'm pretty sure it was a joke...

Laura said...

Yes! I've been meaning to watch Incubus and Shatner!

Goof said...

So I'm looking at the baby basket cake and thinking, "That looks familiar, where have I seen that?"

Then I see my name at the bottom for credits. Oh yeah! I sent that pic in some weeks back, HA!

:D Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! I got my name on cakewrecks! Thanks Jen <3

Wincey said...

It's not the grapes that bother me. It's the worms (?) amongst the grapes that bother me.

Anonymous: The 2nd cake would probably say "d on the next cake."

Sarah, what is "whalla"? Do you mean "voila"? Otherwise, I'm confused!

Anonymous said...

I especially like how you thank, "beer and herpes" AWESOME! ~Ame

Brooke said...

From the Bawls website:
"Using the untapped potential of Guarana in the United States as a source for caffeine in soft drinks, BAWLS Guarana took off with surprising strength on November 14, 1996 in Miami, FL. People instantly fell in love with the refreshing, crisp taste of BAWLS, while being able to enjoy the rush of caffeine the drink packs"

That's right. Refreshing, crisp taste. Of Bawls... I'm beginning to think it's the worst cake by like a million.

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

I was going to comment on the grapes being a Spanish New Year's Eve tradition -- but Charles beat me to it.

Re: More than 12 grapes... Enough for all the guests? Unless someone is going to eat the entire cake, grapes and all, themselves.

Anonymous said...

I hope the frosting on the grapes cake is whipped topping. Why would anyone want to quit HoHos?
What's up with the "I just gave you a disease (it is an incurable virus after all) you will have for the rest of your life so have a cookie."?
Okay, so if you have a lot to say on your cake, please make sure that the cake is big enough for all of the words to fit in a readable fashion, or learn brevity.
If your going to let the baby play with the box, confiscate the lid to avoid situations like this. Pretty box though.

gena said...

Are those grapes or very small tomatillos? Regardless, on a CAKE? Bleah.

Green said...

Ditto the person who said to read the last entry's comments (and possibly watch linked video) to dissuade you from eating packaged chocolates.

Corri Anne said...

Isn't the herpes cake (eww) an Office reference?

Micalah said...

Grapes? Ew...

Anonymous said...

That last picture kinda reminds me of the Creepshow movie feature The Crate

Yikes!

Craig said...

#1 Ok, the grapes bring good luck. What does the packaging twine / cargo netting bring? Notice the theme is kontinued on the cake to the left. Is the Parmesan cheese on the grapes part of the tradition?

#2 Ya gotta admit, it took Bawls to decorate that cake. One would think that product would be in an unbreakable container, though.

#3 Proof that there is no point at which a wreckerator says, "Decorate it yourself -- I ain't writin' that."

#4 And they say Klingon is a made-up language.

#5 You could say the packaging needs work, but how would anyone know what was inside -- especially at a baby shower. Why, "A special gift from Heaven" could be anything. I know childhood obesity is said to be an 'epidemic' these days, but a baby with cellulite?

Regarding yesterday's public safety tip about HoHos and peanut butter cups, just cut them in half first (I would cut the HoHos lengthwise, just to be sure). If you see a party in progress, take a picture and attach it to an email to the company in question. Be sure any applicable government health agencies and your favorite blog appear in the CC field. VOILA -- an immediate response.

wv: unclessn. That's the past tense decimated participle of 'unclean' in the language I'm making up.

Roberto said...

Incubus is totally the wrong movie if you want to learn Esperanto, Shatner's pronunciation is atrocious (yes, I speak Esperanto, and yes, I've seen the movie)

Melvira said...

You know, I always thought it was bad when your Bawls DIDN'T drop! I know guys that have had to have surgery for that... :D

LisaH said...

Is it just me, or is there a BORDER around the bawls bottle? Is that to keep it from rolling off the cake or something?

Anonymous said...

Aliza at 1:29 pm -
This is a HoHo... http://www.hostesscakes.com/hohos.asp.
Sorry! You are going to have to copy and paste. I couldn't figure out how to insert the hyperlink. I agree with the others that Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls are better, and not just because my name is Debi, either! :)
Jen- You should check out the Hostess web site. There are some wacky wedding cakes on there - another twinkie cake and a combo Hostess cake cake. Enjoy and wreck on!
Debi

Dinners and Dreams said...

LOL for the herpes cookie...

Nisrine

Tiffiny Felix said...

OMG, the Baby Butt Cake is my favorite! "Who smashed the baby in the lid of the box?!" I thought the ones with the baby butt on the top of the cake were bad...hahaha :)

Anonymous said...

Can't...not...laugh.

pikkewyntjie said...

Bawls? So the stuff makes you cry? I had to look it up, too. Let me know when the kid turns 21 because that might be a party I want to attend!

WV: giday
The word verification has learned to speak Australian!

Tía Hillary said...

Bawls is a guarana drink - guarana is a berry from Paraguay and Brazil and is a popular soft drink flavor there. Bawls is aimed at computer geeks here, due to the caffeine content (Think Geek.)
I love it (not as much as Simba Guarana, which is only available in Paraguay) and it's fun to yell "they've got Bawls! Blue Bawls!" in a grocery store.

Jenna said...

"I wish I knew how to quit you, HoHos!" gave me the giggles.

I think the first cake was aiming for a vineyard/winery look, like a basket lined in white linen filled with grapes and grape vines? Or something? My best guess anyway, given all the weird brown squiggles. But hey, white grapes and frosting is NEVER a good idea.

Jenna said...

Clearly Bawls was named so people could make jokes about it, and therefore buy it. Duh! It's not even that weird to me - I live in Taiwan and we have a brand of almonds (or cashews as another option) called "My Nuts". I don't think it was intentional, as that sort of slang isn't really known here.

Also, yeah, if it were alcoholic that would be technically illegal, but more civilized, less paranoid countries have drinking ages set at 18 (sorry, yo, I'm American and 30, but I honestly feel the drinking age set at 21 is ridiculous).

So, here's a question: who can honestly say that they didn't touch a drop of alcohol until they were 21? (I know some people can...but the majority)? I personally had my first glass of wine at 13. With my parents. And Grandma.

Arlene said...

I think I nearly choked when I saw that sorry about the herpes cake. Who on earth thinks that is an appropriate way to apologize lol. Come on now everyone knows about it and whoever receives that outta punch the giver in the nose..after smushing it. Now I want grapes and tons of frosting. That makes a great diet.. lol.

Anonymous said...

AHHH!! The Baby-eating Box of Doom!!!

coeurdechoeur said...

Mi kontentas ke vi konas la filmon "Incubus". Mi ne parolas multan Esperanton, sed ĝi estas amuza flankokupo.

{If a real Esperantist reads that, please pardon what I'm sure is awkward language.)

But seriously, now I want grapes. And a HoHo.

Bonnie the Beautiful said...

Great Cakes! Happy New Year!

The Brown said...

First time checking out your blog - reminding me of the time we stopped on our way to our son's college graduation to get a cake at a grocery store off the interstate...First as we were waiting the store manager came over and said to the clerk decorating our cake, "YOU are decorative cakes now, Tom?" then when Tom presents the cake to us he says, "Here it is; I only had to scrape it twice!" Guess we should have opted for some nice pre-decorated cupcakes that day!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad someone made a Red Dwarf reference! Thanks so much Sarah! The Herpes cookie made me giggle so long my husband came out to make sure I was still breathing! Then I had to check up on him with the Klingon language cake. Too funny!

Anonymous said...

Fruit on a cake can be good IF DONE RIGHT.c

That first one? SO wrong.

#3: I facepalmed at that.

Anonymous said...

ewwwwwwww.

hey, check out http://justsomepetpeeves.wordpress.com!!! worth it.

ali said...

lol @ the herpes cake
it is frosted well, i'll give it that.

i'd hate to be the receiver of that cake