Monday, July 19, 2010

Go Figure!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Today, class, we're going to learn the fine art of figure drawing.


First, decide if you want your figure to be male or female.

Both will only confuse people.


Next, arrange the limbs in a natural, comfortable-looking manner...


...always remembering that there are some things the human body simply cannot do.


Special circumstances, such as pregnancy, may be approached with a certain amount of artistic license. If the mom-to-be is self-conscious, feel free to make her stomach just a bit smaller than in reality.



The head should be connected with a graceful, appropriately proportioned neck:


If, however, you find that your head and body do not match up, simply employ the "hand out of nowhere" technique:

If anyone asks, it's doing a shadow puppet.


Or, if you find that hands are too difficult, simply leave them off:


Or for that matter, just omit all of the limbs and the head. After all, a well-drawn torso is more than capable of communicating the innate vitality and smooth, vivaciousness of youth:

Mmmm. Smooooth.


Thanks, Jessica G., Amy K., Misty S., Lynne T., Jessica S., Julie B., Bianca L., & Brinn M.! Win or lose, these Wrecks are quite the draw.
Ingrid Potter said...

Dear God, the lady torso looks like she just got finished with either having octuplets, or liposuction. Or maybe she's married to Stretch Armstrong.

Jenn said...

Uh, so the second one is celebrating having your arm stuck in your dress? :)

Amanda said...

O_o Wow, those are odd. I can only imagine the cupcakes are meant to be a male torso. A male with man-boobs that are proportionately large compared to his bony ribcage-poking-out midsection. The last one also creeps me out. It looks like the front on top and the back on the bottom. Neither done well, of course. Grandma, never wear a bikini again!

kayk said...

What do you suppose was the occasion calling for a mannequin-head-in-a-camoflage-turtleneck-sweater cake?

mimi said...

After watching the "Solid Potato Salad" video (It's safe for work, but... odd) I don't think there's anything the human body can't do.

wv:dipui These wrecks are dipuiest.

A Paperback Writer said...

On the army head cake, is that one of those make up Barbie heads?

Natalia said...

My 4 year old said, upon viewing the pregnancy cake, "Why is that a mushroom with legs?"

I couldn't really explain why!

Jenniffer said...

Oh noes! That one extended neck cake reminds be of Mr. Marbles from the "Kenny Rogers Roasters" episode of Seinfeld. It's freakin' me out!

Anonymous said...

The bikini cake looks like tons of cellulite!

Sharon said...

The first one I could almost see owls looking back at me. I agree there is a gender problem there.

The army cake: The head has a shiny spot under the eye which makes it appear as if it is appropriately crying.

Hard man is good to find: Wonder if this wreck picture was cropped on purpose? I don't think I want to know what's below....

It's a boy: Seriously, I could understand if this was attempted on a CCC, but a regular sheet cake?

The torso: The top part of the chest is smooth, but the rest of the body has cellulite or elephantitis! Did the wreckerator just get tired of smoothing half way through? The curves were too difficult to travel a spatula through?

See my Cake Wreck Tribute Songs on:
http://sharonsedibleart.blogspot.com/

Sharon's Edible Art

Gina said...

Smooth vivaciousness of youth. Gross.

That muscly- CCC is the grossest thing I have ever seen. Ever.

christine (: said...

the last one gave me a baaaad Mental image!!! bleh!!

Dharmamama said...

I *love* the second cake!! It just makes me happy.

Kevin Phair said...

Uh... Does that stickfigure one say "happy birthing"? I've never seen a Christmas tree give birth before, but I guess I'm not opposed to it.

Jenni @ Project Cookie 365 said...

Ahahaha - I love that the last body is a scarecrow in a bikini. You have to love the straw look!

The Boob Nazi said...

Some of these made me gasp aloud.

Melinda said...

Oh. my. There are no words...

Lauren Borquez said...

These bother me LOL

Anonymous said...

I am sadly finding it more and more difficult to believe that these are actually created by professional decorators.

Yowzers.

~~Di

jengersnap said...

"kayk said...
What do you suppose was the occasion calling for a mannequin-head-in-a-camoflage-turtleneck-sweater cake?"

Obviously, its a "coming out" cake.
Ba-da-boom!

Blue umbrella lady cake is extremely terrifying. Those things on the umbrella look like ants or similar attacking her. Maybe they started with her skirt.

Don'tDissAndrogeny said...

androgeny is a good thing.

Donna said...

The poor bikini cake...jaundiced AND wrinkly...

Moggypie said...

The torso cupcakes made me think that perhaps the decorations were supposed to be trilobites!

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

How did they get a picture of me in my bikini? How embarrassing!

Tiffany said...

That last one reminds me of the song from "One".... Not sure if I should type the T & A song (will you censor that?)

Anyway, why does this person have boobs and booty on the same side of their body? And are we celebrating massive weightloss??

Billy Jay said...

Hey! The gymnastics cake is totally true! Anyone can do that move! (well... once, at least... ) :)

Billy Jay said...

Hey! The third cake isn't wrong! Anyone can do that! (well.... once, at least)...

ladykay said...

#5... Uhhh, ahhh, uhhh... I just have no words.

DD said...

Something tells me that Angelo and Abby are big fans of vogueing. Voguing? Voging? Crap! All three of those are underlined in red! How the cuss do you spell vogue with an 'ing' ending?

kimberj said...

OOOOOHHHHHH I hope the recipient of the last one doesn't actually have stretch marks like that... Gackkkkkkk ackkkk barfffff =P
I can't believe people actually pay for these disasters?

Denita said...

Geeugh, the CCC man-torso and the last cake actually made me sick to my stomach. I will never despise my own thighs again!

Melissa said...

Some of the cupcakes in the first one look like ET! Some don't...

ladyrazorsharp said...

This post makes me go 0_0

...as do many of them. However, this one is especially 0_0 worthy.

*looks again* 0_0 Wow.

Anonymous said...

My daughter can actually touch her foot to her heard like that, albeit not while balancing on a balance beam. But from what I've seen of gymnasts, I have no doubt there are some who can!

And that's what I'm going to focus on, b/c contemplating some of these other cake monstrosities just hurts my brain.

NetteNet99 said...

'It's a Boy!' It IS?? Well, I guess that's as plausible as anything else, really.

WV: mencoto - For the love of Pete, someone put some mencotos on those cakewreckos!

Joel said...

Turn the gymnastics one on end and she's pole dancing. I'm just saying.

deannamorauski said...

The last one looks pretty realistic, I mean, considering most ladies are not equally proportioned on the top. ;P

octo said...

Hey, I just thought you ought to know your first comment for the wonky torso cupcakes is really, really offensive to transgender, genderqueer, and intersexed people. Come on, I don't want cisprivelige in my cakewrecks. :( I want carrot jockeys and horrible misspellings.

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Octo,

I'm sorry that you were offended. I assure you no offense was meant.

Best,

john

Anonymous said...

Why is the second cake 'woman' wearing a dress of peas?

That mannequin head in a camouflage sweater is enough to give anyone the screaming abdabs!

I have never seen an inverted pregnant tummy before.

Trask said...

As a post-op trans man, I just wanted to say that I laughed at the first wreck and its caption. Lighten up already Octo, and don't speak for all of us.

Anonymous said...

Octo,
I'd like to assure you that I and two of my transgendered friends are laughing at you.
You sound like you go searching for things to offend you.

BADKarma! said...

That last cake looks like an ode to the downside of stomach stapling... Geesh...

WV: flukshot... The wreckorator on that cake should be taken out back and flukshot.

Babs said...

The last one looks like uncooked spaghetti wearing a bikini...

Jenny said...

I'm surprised you didn't point out that the handless muscle guy is a CCC.

The poor bikini lady has the nice, smooth declote of a 25 year old but the wrinkles of a 95 year old below that.

msyendor said...

Mr. Cupcake, stuff of nightmares.

Kay said...

Two things...
First, #5 looks suspiciously like the manequins that my step-mother's students use at the beauty school. Cake + hair trimmings + the chemical smells = YUCK!
Second, sheesh, Octo, get real. If you haven't figured out by now that the name of this website is NOT "PC Cakes", then you have not been around very long. Come on, take a look at those CC's. Don't they look a little wonky, even to you?? Are they supposed to be man boobs - or a woman with serious wrinkles beneath the girls? Maybe it's an advertisement for a plastic surgeon??

Jennifer said...

Not everyone wants to pick a gender--confusion can be fun/enlightening!

That said, not sure the wrecker's intent was confusion...

Jasini said...

I'm reasonably sure the first pictures are meant to be male Centauri.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centauri_%28Babylon_5%29

The sides are way to prominent to just be ribs.

Anonymous said...

I'm finding it rather scary that the last cake is for Trigg, and the only one I've ever heard of lives in Alaska.....

wv - achbili -- Ach,bili,,, I've seen better cakes for our beer parties.

Sharon said...

I simply must ask.

Is that last cake lemon?

Sharon said...

I simply must ask.

Is that last cake lemon?

Anonymous said...

omg those look awful

Anonymous said...

It's not the gender of those cupcakes that confuses me, it's WTF are they for? I wouldn't rank it that high on my transphobometer but I do think you missed an opportunity for better snark about the purpose of these mysterious torso cupcakes.

Also yes to Melissa and the owls comment. Now I can't unsee it.

sincerely,
anonymous trans woman

Goueznou said...

A Hand Man Is Good to Find.

Indeed.

Anonymous said...

Um, Kay, don't some of your comments seem a little bit wonky? Even to you??

- anonymous trans woman

Wolvie Girl said...

It's a boy? It's an alien more like it.

Maybe the moobs up the top are a hint of what army girl looks like beneath her beautifully piped camo gear.

And I'm pretty sure the last one isn't a bikini, but it's her undies. Either way that's some pretty nasty wrinkles she has going on there.

Craig said...

I'll take a run at explaining Camo Barbie: Someone who sticks their neck out for someone else deserves cake.

The last one looks like pasta. I wish I was kidding. Puts a whole new spin on "If I eat this, it'll just go straight to my waist." And other places...

"What the...? Quick-set epoxy in the frosting again?! You guys got me with that yesterday, too! That explains why I couldn't change tips on the piping bag, and why I couldn't finish smoothing this out..."

wv: shedl. Shedl happen, I reckon.

Craig said...

That's quite a set of shoulders you have there, 'Smith'.

By the way, the turtleneck? No, on your uniform. Look, it's understandable that you want to blend in and all, but modifying the uniform is against regulations.

We all have things we have to overcome; why look at Abby on the next cake. You think having a left shoulder six inches lower than the right stops her? Not likely! She makes shadow puppets and everything!

I'm just trying to put things in perspective, 'Smith'. Too bad these wreckerators didn't.

Arlene said...

It looks like something took a bite out of the pregnant lady on that cake lol. As for the first cupcakes.. I thought they were female breasts until I saw what passed for abs and chest hair.. oh boy would someone get in trouble if they brought those home. I would love to know why someone made a male torso out of cupcakes..gross and so not appealing unless you pretend it's cake then maybe.. lol.

Wolvie Girl said...

Actually, having another look at the Smith cake, I think I was doing her an injustice in my earlier comment. She's all woman, in fact she's all 19th century woman, in those lovely leg o'mutton sleeves. She should team it with a lovely wide brimmed hat adorned with camo ribbons and tree branches

sally said...

All I can think about now is the wrod "gynaecomastia". thanks. o_O

Amanda said...

@ Octo: if you come here for carrot jockeys and horrible misspellings, rest assured that there are pleeeenntttyyyy of entries here you will love. I'm sure you can find some cakes you don't choose to be offended by, and let the rest of us be to laugh at what is a funny comment and a really creepy-looking set of cupcakes. (Yes, I said "choose to be offended"... you don't have to let your feelings get hurt every time someone says something you don't like. A lot of us learned that the hard way in grade school! *thumbs up*

DAlobeidy said...

The swimsuit looks like stretch marks got the best of her!

EG said...

Those orange cookies or cupcakes - the first time I looked at them I thought they were OWLS!

Mrs.S.Murray said...

The hand out of nowhere people on the cake look like David and Darlene from Roseanne.

McGonagall'sCat said...

Isn't Trigg the name of Sarah Palin's son? Isn't Trigg also the name on the bikini cake?

Gale said...

Hey! A stretch mark cake! I love it!

Adrienne said...

ever heard of cocoa butter?

Janet said...

I use the mannequin heads like the one in the military cake at my cosmetology school. I wondered if they gave it a lice treatment before surrounding it with cake, because they are almost always infested with lice. When there are no live lice present, there are always dead eggs.

Haiku Joy said...

Birthday cupcake girl
is shocked to see you today!
May never blink again!