Friday, May 28, 2010

Der Burger!

Friday, May 28, 2010

As you are no doubt aware, today is National Hamburger Day. It's a day of celebration. Of history. Of patriotism. And, of course, of ridiculous amounts of icing smooshed between two cake layers.

Mmmm. Lovely.

That's not to say all hamburger cakes are bad, of course. Sometimes, a truly excellent one comes along:

(by the ├╝ber talented Sugar Chic Cakes)

...to show us just how wrecked the rest of them are:


"Hey, hey, bay-bee! You got some fries with that cake?

"Whassat? Just dry cake crusts? Oh. Never mind."


Of course the key to a good burger wreck is to keep the customer guessing:

"Is that really a burger cake? And if so, what are the red pointy things? Or the yellow pointy thing? Is the fireworks doodad supposed to be helping? Do they honestly expect me to pay $9.99 for this? Really?!?"

Good questions, all, but more importantly...


...am I the only one seeing a giant alien head here?

C'mon, green eyes, brown lips, cranium about to explode like a jiffy-pop bag? You see it, right?


Ok, ok, so it's easy to make fun of cupcake cakes (haaaaaw-ptooie!). It's not like it's much harder with these:

Bringing "dirty-iced" to a whole new level.
(A dirty, dirty level.)


I call this one "The High Hat" -



And this, "The Escaped Experiment" -

"The containment field can't last much longer! Everyone to the exits!"


"The Bonfire" -

(Onion smoke rings cost extra.)


And finally, "Peter's Pack of Peppers" -

Now with beach sand topping!



Ashley M., Angela E., Alicia B., Christy M., Lindsey F., Julia G., Torie C., Stefanie M., Abelina V., & Paula B., have it your way.

And in case you missed it before, here's the reason John will randomly exclaim, "Der Burger!"

Mike said...

In the Escaped Experiment cakes, I love how there is so much frosting shoved in there that they can barely keep the lid on the cake carriers. Not that that much frosting is a bad thing, but it doesn't make for a pretty cake.

Katie Bug said...

That Pink Panther clip is great! My husband loves to quote that scene, too.

AFWingMom said...

Sugar Chic Cakes did an excellent rendition of a hamburger. The bonfire one at first glance I thought it was a volcanic mound smoldering. Hmmm...I may have to rethink my lunch choice for today. I may have flashbacks to those cakes and need therapy.

Jennifer said...

I think the "dirty iced" cake is an omelette cake gone horribly wrong.

Trevor said...

I'm seriously jealous. We NEVER find good wrecks like this round here. I need to move to find something worthwhile. These are just AWESOME! I epecially love the stack of science experiments.

Debbi said...

OH MY GAWD! I have no words. No words at all.

Becky Day said...

Where you saw an alien, I saw two giant turds garnished with Ketchup, mustard and relish...

Anonymous said...

I can Totally see an alien face!! LOL!
Love, Elly

Taylor said...

How the first cake came to be:

Manager: "Can you gather up all the leftover cake and icing from this week, please?"
Worker: "You got it boss. But the trash guy already left for the weekend."
Manager: "Hmm."

Half Assed Kitchen said...

Those are all probably better than I could do.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking that maybe the last one is supposed to be a taco, hence the peppers.

The Gravekeeper said...

Now I really wish I could figure out how to upload photos off my cellphone. I actually found a potentially wrecky hamburger cake a few weeks ago!

Anonymous said...

The "dirty" one looks like pancakes. eewww!

The Boob Nazi said...

The burger has fangs! That's what those pointy things are.

Wendy said...

Under the "High Hat" - will someone please explain "conditioned fudge"?

(Jen - thanks as always for making me smile!)

Alex Getts said...

Oy! I want to go to Smash Burger now to rid my mind of these horrible wrecks!

Chrissy said...

If I watch that scene from the Pink Panther a hundred times, it will never stop being funny! Thanks for sharing! You always make me laugh!

Anonymous said...

Please tell me these wrecks don't have SESAME SEEDS on the "buns"!!! Sesame seeds and cake don't mix - end of story.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, and for another Sweet burger, check out Charm City Cakes' version they created when Guy Fiery visited the bakery - awesome as always!

Kate said...

Hmmm, after seeing this CakeWrecks, I convinced a coworker to get some cheeseburgers for our company meeting today.

But then I did some research online and all the sites that mention a 'Nation Cheeseburger Day' say that it's September 18th.

MelissaK said...

I am more curious about what "conditioned fudge" is.

Melissa

Heidi said...

So the burger cakes are always funny, but it has sunk to a new low now that the "fries" are just stale cake scraps. That's sad.

Mama G said...

Squinty little green alien eyes and a very weird green soul patch!

Abby Normal said...

Alien head? No, I see a couple of floaters left by someone who needs to see a doctor ASAP. There really should be a licensing agency in charge of brown icing.

Farrah said...

I'm not a fan of Steve Martin, but that is the best part of the Pink Panther movie. Anytime my family and I are making hamburgers we botch it up to sound like him.

Miranda said...

GLARGH!!!

While I admire the artistry of the well done hamburger cake (heh heh well done, get it?) I am funny about stuff like this. I can't eat cake that looks like something else. I freak out. The bad ones, well... ew, revolting!

I did a halloween cake once with oreo "dirt" and gummy worms and a gray tombstone. It was by request. I actually hated it and couldn't eat it because ew, gray, ew dirt, ew worms! I ended up getting rid of the tombstone pan because I got tired of disgusting requests.

Keeley said...

Fangs! and long, yellow, pointy Gene Simmons tongue! Those say "hamburger" to me. Actually they say "run for the hills, your food has gone to the bad!"

I also really, really want to see onion smoke rings. That would be so cool.

my WV is ating: I'm ating these faux burgers.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the wrecks, and
clammering to know what "conditioned fudge" is.
My guess?
A form of olestra.

mocking

Gary said...

That second cake actually looks like a hamburger. What a revelation! Now I know what all those other wreckorators were trying for, however cluelessly. Cake Number Two's baker even used an airbrush without the result looking horrible. Wow!

Anonymous said...

I was cruising BiLo last night about 11 PM and came across a burger cake and fries. Was going to submit it, looks like I'm too late! It even had ketchup icing for the fries.

Anonymous said...

I usually never LOL at your site, but today I did. Several times.

Anne said...

Oh no, the vampire craze has spread even to hamburger cakes (the one with the red pointy things)!

Seriously, who knew there were so many burger cakes out there?

P.S. Every time I even look like I'm going to cruise my grocery store's bakery the bakers immediately look up and demand in a snippy tone, "Can I help you?" And I'm not even wearing a wreckporter T or carrying a camera!

sendingtheclowns said...

"CONDITIONED" FUDGE:

A type of fudge/frosting that is very sensitive, and therefore is required to go through a rigorous training and desensitizing program before it is anywhere NEAR ready to be put on any horrendously ugly cake.
There you go.


=^u.u^=

Carrie Penny said...

I am so glad that we are not planning to have burgers this weekend! I just lost all desire for beef and bread...

LaurenH said...

For some reason on the one you called "The Escaped Experiment" all I can think of is how if that were a REAL burger, you know how the lettuce on burgers tends to be kind of wilty, maybe bordering on 'too old to really be consuming' so I think my intestines kind of seized up in fear upon viewing it.

....Then I realized that was giving it too much credit, as that's assuming that crazy mountain actually resembles a hamburger with lettuce. Which it doesn't :)

Jennifer said...

I think my favorite was the dried cake crust french fries-that had me laughing out loud after I figured out they were supposed to fries and not extra cake just thrown on the side!

Anonymous said...

The nonwreck looked great, the others looked like it send me into a sugar coma

WriteCards said...

::mounting soapbox::

I live in an area of China that has no McDonalds. There are no hamburger joints of any kind. There are 15+ KFC's and they do have a "chicken burger" but it's not a hamburger.

As someone who only eats hamburgers during visits to the United States, I would like to know:

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT A HAMBURGER CAKE??? Puh-leeze! Enjoy your hamburger in the form of a hamburger! Enjoy your cake in some other form.

::bows. off soapbox::

Okay. I feel better now!

Anonymous said...

I teach English in France. I *live* that clip.

Michelle in WI said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

My 2 1/2 year old is sitting here next to me exclaiming "Yucky!" "It's gross!" "Yuck!" "So yucky!" over and over and over and louder and louder and louder.... Then.... "More yucky?" ROFLMAO!!!!

I can't stop laughing! THANK YOU!

wv: larging. The sound one makes when trying to swallow a piece of one of these enormous globs of coma-inducing icing piles.

Erica said...

Yikes - those are truly hideous "cakes."

But, I truly commented only to post my WV: derases.

Seeing der burger cakes caused them to laugh off der ases.

Hee hee.

sendingtheclowns said...

No doubt someone else has already POINTed this out, but the pointy things are supposed to be fireworks. I had to zoom in to see it better. Why, you can even see little bursts (with little chicken feet (?) on them) on the tail end of them, indicating that they are zooming up into the night sky....
..........
....OOOOO! AAHHHH!

Yeah.

=^e.e^=

sendingtheclowns said...

@WriteCards:

WELCOME TO AMERICA!!!

=^~.~^=

Tammy said...

I thought National Hamburger Day was in July. Are you two months early for this one, maybe? :)

NonnyMosh said...

The one that looks like an alien also looks like a character from Genesis' video "Land of Confusion."

ladyrazorsharp said...

You know, I have the feeling that a Big Mac in all its raging caloric glory would actually be healthier than having a piece of some of these overly frosted monstrosities.

At least it would LOOK better. and no doubt TASTE better!

Sixxlet said...

Look at that one you called the "High Hat" and underneath is a sign that says "conditioned fudge". What in the WORLD is "conditioned fudge"?????

sendingtheclowns said...

"High Hat" cake looks to me like it was made in anger (like they just whomped that top part on, quit the job and stomped out. Don't know why I get that feeling...I just do.
The "Escaped Experiment," I think, just *could* be a secret stash--a stockpile, if you will--of radioactive or nook-you-ler weapons disguised as cakes. There certainly are a LOT of them. And will ALL of them be sold? I think NOT. Check out those "watermelon" ones...bet they glow in the dark.
And zoom in really close and you can see, way in the back, some green, POD-like things...NEED I say more?
I'm getting goosebumps...
=^@.@^=

Posh Tater said...

"Conditioned fudge" made me feel rather nervous.....

andygirl said...

So I love the Pink Panther "der burger" bit on its own, but didn't believe it was realistic until I lived in France. They really so pronounce it like that. Really and truly.

Mags said...

Hamburgler from McDonalds would be so proud... or frightened...!

trek said...

Bakery near us actually does a stunning hamburger cake. Complete with sesame seeds. Very realistic!

Modern Male Homemaker said...

The giant green globs of greasy grimey gopher guts on those "Escaped Experiments" is totally W--mart. I should know, I worked there for 9 years and experience is not something they value, only production output!

Anonymous said...

The one that looks like an alien head to you, looks like two poop logs to me!

Anonymous said...

Uhhh, you know South Park did an episode about that giant alien head cake... it was the "Turd Sandwich" episode. Nice to see a cake version of the Turd Sandwich... :)

Lin said...

I like to think of the Sugar Chic Cakes hamburger cake as what you see on McDonald's, Burger King's, et al.'s advertisements. Everything else is an accurate version of what you get when you order it LOL.

Tiffiny Felix said...

Hahahahaha!!!! OMG...it's beyond me how stores can sell stuff like that!! *:)*

Catherine Eades said...

The "Escaped Experiment" looks exactly like what happened on last night's Mythbusters with the depressurized diving suit.

Lee said...

Thanks for the laughs!

jo said...

the fourth cake looks like it has red fangs and a yellow tongue. be afraid. be very afraid.

and no one in the bakery considered that angel food cake is a little too thick and pale to pull of as a bun?

jo said...

mind you, that angel food cake is ALREADY cut in half probably.

it does look a little like toasted marshmallow though.

the lab display has some mutant cake watermelon in the background, too. how about just eating the REAL food, wreckerators? life is not all about cake!

Anonymous said...

Wow! Steve Martin *really* sucks at faking French accent. This from someone with an outrrrrrrrrrrrrrrageous accent (you silly king-a)

The Black Dog said...

The "Escaped Experiment" Genius name Jen XD

Monica said...

The 4th cake is actually Strawberry Shortcake's deranged cousin, Burger Boy...

EmilyV said...

Some of these remind me of this episode of The Cosby Show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEYjhDVTsH0

(Jump to about 5:15) Hehe!

Anonymous said...

There are intestines hanging out of some of the 'burgers'.

Pamela said...

Why is there a national day for a food item that comes from Germany?

Lisa M. said...

The sad part is I think I've seen some hamburgers that looked like some of those burger cakes. I felt kinda sick looking at some of these cakes, lol.

Anonymous said...

I love cake number 1 for its decorating excesses; it seems like a deliberate parody. All that frosting, GAAAAAAAH - but because I don't like hamburgers it's appropriate somehow. Norine

Mrs. Flax said...

Is it wrong that that is my seven year old's favorite movie scene?

Marilyn said...

What, no "Cheesebooger cheesebooger cheesebooger! Chips no fries! PEPSI NO COKE!"?

:P

Lizard said...

The dirty iced cake looked like a half-deflated mylar balloon to me...

And "conditioned fudge" makes me wonder if they smush all the ugly edge pieces/crumbs together and say it's supposed to be soft and smushed looking...
Or maybe it's what we called spoon fudge - fudge that doesn't set up right that you have to scoop with a spoon since it's too soft to cut.

WV: sightle - a subtle sigh used to quietly express disbelief. "When I saw the insane amount of frosting on those cakes, I couldn't help but sightle."

Jessica said...

Now I want hamburgers for dinner.

Anonymous said...

OK, I just got back from a run to the grocery story (bad idea - the parking lot had every example from the Bad Parking blog, it seemed), and my store had a whole table of hamburger, watermelon, and sunflower (yeah, cue "One of these things is not like the other...") cakes. You know you've been reading this blog when you're disappointed to see a nicely done cake...

Anonymous said...

What, no "Where's the beef?" joke for the extra big bun cake, or is my reference too dated? I would've loved to see the late actress from that Wendy's commercial say the same thing for that cake.

(I'm a child of the 80's)

Aliza said...

It never ceases to amaze me how some bakeries have no sense of self respect. I simply cannot believe what they think is acceptable to put out for sale!! Or, are these learners experiments, or cakes sold at a sharp discount for those who can't afford regular prices, or do these cakes go home (free) with the staff and thus they deliberately do this in order to get free cake?

You know it's bad when the CCC cakes are the best of the bunch! And yup, saw an alien too-- also saw a face in the top cake of the Experiment. I'm afraid.

PS I'm going to a birthday party on Sunday. Am I a bad person because I'm hoping the cake is a total wreck?

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahaha! I am sitting at a bus stop laughing. Everyone took a couple of steps away from the crazy woman.

I am craving burgers for dinner now. And cake. Or just mounds of icing. I think I have some in the cupboard.

Oh, and IT sidenote, the titles of the posts don't show on my blackberry anymore. :(

Alex

Mudhooks said...

The "containment field" one looks like someone trapped Oscar (Sesame Street) in a jar...

PinkAsphaltMama said...

You know what crushes my spirit? The fact that my two regular chain grocery stores (one of which has cakes regularly featured here) have super-conservative bakeries. Square or round cakes with the stock roses & squiggles. No hamburgers, blue fluffy clouds... The most offensive has been neon orange buttercream iced sheet cakes a few weeks in a row. :(

Anonymous said...

@EmilyV: #3! #3! #3 totally looks like the burger and fries the kids got in that episode. it just needs a pepper on a toothpick on top!

good theory, Aliza. Great observation, Mudhooks!

collin said...

Wow!!! Yummy pics. Its really mouth watering.

Take the Cake Personality Test and find out which cake you are like…..I have taken the test and enjoyed a lot. Hope u too will enjoy it. Have Fun!!

Kayla said...

I had a hamburger birthday cake when I was 8 or 9 years old and remember it as THE best birthday cake EVER. Wanted to make one a few years ago, so followed the directions in a Women's Day magazine and it turned out AWESOME - nothing like these wrecks :-)

Anonymous said...

Alien is right! It looks like one from Mars Attacks!

The Mama said...

My 2 y/o pointed and exclaimed "PLAYDOH!" at the alien head. Hee!

Nowe said...

My brother on the fourth one: "What's that supposed to be?"

Says it all, doesn't it?

siltedrepose said...

The third wreck is a toothy monster with a hair clip. The teeth are different colors because she doesn't get the the dentist much.

Terri said...

Jen!

That is NOT an alien head, it is a clown!

Here is the proof, right here!

http://whyifearclowns.blogspot.com/2010/05/genius-of-advertising.html

I will never look at burgers quite the same way again . . .

Terri

Loren and Nina Mortensen said...

Well, my 2 1/2 year old knew what they were so they can't be THAT bad... or maybe he's just a really good guesser!

amy said...

Wow. They have a national Hamburger day in the US? Why?

Gary said...

Amy, every day is Hamburger Day in the U.S. Unless you're a Hindu, and except for Fridays in Lent if you're Catholic. Oh, and cheeseburgers are out for Orthodox Jews, but except for that, yeah, we love our hamburgers.

Anonymous said...

Wow......am I really the only one who clicked on Sugar Chic and saw this?????????????

Attention Customers Following Dates are closed and we will
not be recieving orders as we are booked to compacity:

I would be utterly devastated if you posted me on your site and this showed up......I begged them to tell me that is some sort of northern dialect.......even had to break out the Webster, just in case........

ncd1011@verizon.net

Anonymous said...

P.S.

That clip reminded me of how long we spent in French class trying to pronouce hamburger like that! HA!

Angie E.

Libby said...

I sent you a picture of a hamburger cake a few months ago that I made. Was hoping to see it up there. :( haha Those are definetly interesting!!

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else think the alien head cake looks like one of those annoying aliens from that episode of South Park? I completely blanked on what they were called... something with a J? Anyway, it looks like them.