Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Flotsam Plops

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The concept is simple: take an otherwise passable cake, and then stick a completely unrelated piece (or pieces) of plastic flotsam on it. Voila! Flotsam plop.

Oh, and when I say "completely unrelated," I mean "completely unrelated."

And lo, unto us a carrot cake is borne.
And high, we suspecteth the Wreckerator was. Eth.


Look, this carrot cake was doing just fine without divine accompaniment - so why the plastic angel pick? Did the Wreckerator think that was actually helping, or was s/he meeting some flotsam distribution quota?


Care to pick a pack of plops?

The migrating guitar herd strikes again.


Here's how you pander to fanboys and fangirls everywhere:

No, no, it's not a blue dog - it's a BAT dog. Sha-pow!

Plus, that upside-down bat logo tells us he sticks to the ceiling!

Bringing "downward facing dog" to new heights.


Perhaps you don't think these examples have been ridiculous enough, though. Nooo problem. What would you say to Dora the Explorer's head stuck in another doll cake's lap?

Go ahead. Try and imagine that's just the world's largest, creepiest belt buckle.

Personally, I'd say "Hola, Dora! S-O-C-K-S!" Because that's all the Spanish I know. I never learned what it means, though, so here's hoping it's not something dirty. (Although, frankly, that might be appropriate here.)

I have some thoughts about the snowman in the gal's lap behind Dora, too, but for all our sakes I'll leave that to you guys in the comments.

So, just how bad is the flotsam plop epidemic getting?

This bad:

Because even cake sold by-the-slice needs accessorizing.
And Superman beats everybody at bowling.


Katrina S., Lisa K., Dawn, Frzn D., & Jane D., "flotsam plops" is officially my new favorite phrase. Flotsamplopsflotsamplopsflotsamplops. Heehee!

- Related Wreckage: Totally Cheating
Taylor@MyOlderBrothers said...

Bowling + Superman = Awesome!

As evidenced by the fact that the last picture is on someone's kitchen counter. Meaning they were so impressed with the combination, that they bought the slice. That's just plain good marketing.

Anonymous said...

"Eso si que es" (S-O-C-K-S) means "That is what it is"

Margot said...

I think the carrot has...erm...a disease. It should have an ER nurse next to it.

William on the rez said...

In that first one, the angel is waiting for the mohawk baby carrrot jockey savior to be born.

A Girl In Her Kitchen said...

I was hoping the first one was announcing the birth of a Naked Mohawk Baby, cause THAT would have made sense!

http://agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

Gary said...

That carrot cake reminds me I need to put out some more cockroach traps.


By the way, in Spanish "S-O-C-K-S" means ... but of course, you know what it means, or you wouldn't have written it here. It's part of a famous joke, which I will leave to the other 80,000 Epcotists to write here. Ich bin ein Berliner.

Fran said...

Eso si que es means "That's really..." so you need another word like...Wrecktacular!! Dory is very scary >:(

lovesteamykeamy said...

EEEEEEEK!!! Was that the end of Dora???

Glad they're finally selling forks with the cakes... even if they will have some frosting on them.

Ralph said...

I don't know, it looks to me like the fork is winning . . .

And we all know: forks + bowling= win. That's just simple math.

flying gargoyle said...

Wow. That's some tough Cake Grrrlll Clique! Can't you just hear the head Heather?

"Bring me the head of Dora The Explorer!"

Chills...

[p.s. obscure pop reference is to the movie "Heathers", lest anyone think I'm picking on them.]

Deanne said...

It looks like the little mouse Jerry is excited to be at the bottom of the dolls dress! ;)

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

Hey, let us not mock other people's religions. Sure, maybe you and I don't understand the religious significance of that carrot, or why it needs to be herald by an angel, but I'm sure there's a good reason.

After all, I've had some cakes that were religious experiences - they just didn't involve icing carrots.

Trevor said...

You realize there IS a Bat-Dog right? Technically, he's a Bat-Hound named Ace. Yep, Ace the Bat Hound. Of course, he wasn't blue, but that's another story.

Oh, and the Bat Symbol upside down merely means he's Satanic, not that he sticks to the ceiling!

Julia Spencer said...

Because Superman beats everyone at bowling! ROTFL!

Craig said...

I love that someone other than me remembers the S-O-C-K-S commercial. (Granted, I shouldn't be surprised that you'd be the one to remember and reference it.)*

Also, not only would Superman beat everyone at bowling, but you could write an entire (bad) comic around him going bowling. It would be a charity bowling event, where donations are made per pin, so it's vital that he knock them all down. Most pins would just be crushed by the force of his throws, and any really stubborn pins could be knocked over with his breath. If he ever got a gutter ball, he'd just fly around the world fast enough to go back in time for a do over. Of course, Lex Luthor would try to spoil the whole thing by replacing the hand chalk with kryptonite dust. Umm...maybe I'm spending too much time thinking about this.

*You were referencing that commercial, right? Otherwise, I'll feel kind of stupid.

Stephanie G. said...

that last one looks like they were trying to cove up the fact that there wasn't any frosting in the MIDDLE!

vegesauras said...

The dora 'belt' is actually plastic rings. A shop in england called greggs has them on top of fairy cakes. But they look good and yummy not like some odd belt thing

Joel Polowin said...

Most of these are grotesque, yeah, but I really don't see anything wrong with the second one. I take it to be a birthday cake for a guy who's really into guitars, and decorated appropriately -- what's the problem?

heather said...

Part of my job in little Metropolis, IL is to come up with new Superman merchandise to sell to fans and I never once thought lets stick shield flotsom ina slice of cake next to a bowling pin. I can't say as the local grocery store ever has either.

Laura said...

I thought the last one was a last-minute attempt at a "Super-Bowl" piece of cake...in perfect CakeWrecks style, of course!

That carrot looked more than a little phallic...maybe it was a "Heavenly Experience" cake?

Anonymous said...

Don't look down on flotsam plops! If it weren't for plastic items placed randomly on cakes we wouldn't have the naked mohawk baby cake.

Susan

BellaLovesPink said...

Baffling is an understatement.

Jennifer said...

I am missing the S O C K S reference. Please help a clueless girl out!

anna said...

Really? Jerry? Of all cartoon characters....really? I feel that his position in this montage of tag-a-long skirt people is....disrespectful.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the BatDog cake is celebrating the birth of a lovechild born from the marriage between Ace the BatHound and the Cookie Monster?

LaurenH said...

Oooo.....boy, The carrot-heralding angel cracked me up, I want the dog to be saying the traditional stoic "I'm Batman" and that next one with the princesses?

Is she supposed to be giving BIRTH to Dora? Or is she just poking her head out while hiding in her skirt?? Either way, tres disturbing!!

Sarah said...

There's another, more fun, translation of S-O-C-K-S.

"Eso si! Que es?" translates as "Yes, that's it! ...What is it?"

Fluffy Cow said...

Superman and bowling. Life is complete.

Cecile said...

It's a superbowl cake, whose wreckorator has done way too much free association therapy!

anna said...

Really? Jerry? Of all cartoon characters....really? I find his position in this fleet of tag-a-long skirt people....disrespectful.

Mallie said...

"The world's largest, creepiest belt buckle." Love it!

And I think "S-O-C-K-S" is the perfect reaction to those weird princesses and their lap occupants.

Classic Steve said...

That's taking religion back to its roots.

WV: flarp = the sound I make upon seeing these cakes

E.M. Green said...

Quite honestly, I'm surprised that wreckreators are so knowledgeable of pop art.

http://www.georgerodrigue.com/

jo said...

Sarah, that makes perfect sense for this site! esp. for spanish speaking fans.

Jen, you're commentary is especially hilarious today!

meanwhile, that carrot looks like the "product" of someone who's been eating too many carrots... Maybe it's the constipation fairy come to help out those with bowel trouble?

krazykris said...

Personally, I like "BAZINGA!!!" more than "SHA-POW!!!"

Back to the wrecks, I really think the individual cake slice gets overlooked quite often when it comes to decorating...I'd really like to see some fuzzy pipe cleaner animals with googly eyes or maybe some dried flowers, cause really, the plastic flotsom is just so mundane :D

Lisa said...

Does that say "speciality" above the doll cakes???

Roland said...

@Jennifer, "S O C K S":

There was a radio ad in the 90s for a product purporting to teach Spanish with simple techniques. This was given as an example, and translated as, "that's what it is."

I don't remember the entire commercial, but I do recall a certain radio personality with a short-lived TV program being puzzled when his audience called out, "eso si que es" when he was saying something about Socks (probably referencing then-President Clinton's cat).

Anonymous said...

Love the S-O-C-K-S! I have a few years of Spanish behind me and had no idea what you were talking about!

Stoich91 said...

"But grandma, why is there so much *flotsam* on that cake?!"

"The better to CHOKE you with, my dear!"

Bwahaha :) You know, this post just serves as a reminder that nothing whets my appetite as do random, distracting plastic pieces in my food.

Also, Eso si que es = SOCKS. Rolling on the floor... lol :D Brilliant!

Carina said...

Actually, S-O-C-K-S means
That. Yes. What is it?

Eso - That
Si- Yes
Que es? - What is it?

In the joke, the man is pointing to a pile of socks and wants to know what the word is in English because he doesn't know it.

msyendor said...

Hey, hey, hey. What's life without the Holy 'Root'?

Or am I just being wholly rude?

Migrating Coconut said...

Why does it seem that beautiful writing, such as on the migrating guitar cake, is always paired with WTF-ery?

Anonymous said...

I think the Bloo Poo Bat Dog would exclaim "Shhhi- Poooey!"
-goodfood4ursoul in VA

sendingtheclowns said...

"The migrating guitar herd"
Love it--hilariosity!!!!
NOW-- are they winging (or stringing) their way East, West, North, South, or just straight to Hell, is what I'd like to know.
As for Little Miss Green Dress with the snowman "icon"...
It *could* be that she represents the growing trend toward frigidity among doll cake decorations. There's "cause celebre " for everything, these days.
=^-.-^=

Anonymous said...

Fun, fun, fun! I love this!

Evokative said...

Flotsam yes: however, flotsam is not deliberately thown in or on, so where's the ship wreck from whence this came?

Lose That Girl said...

I guess plops aren't very plopular.

Kimberly Chapman said...

I actually get why some of these are on there...they're stupid plastic junky ring toys that are extra "goodies" for the kids eating the cake. And having seen a gaggle of toddlers go crazy for otherwise crappy cupcakes that have Sesame Street rings jammed in them, or even my own kid look longingly at the bins of character rings at the cake supply store, I can sorta kinda understand the desire to shove 'em anywhere that fits.

That being said, it's lame design-wise. And nothing excuses upside-down-bat-dog.

Anonymous said...

Why *four* guitars? And why are they tied to yellow balloons?
At least all the letters in 'birthday' seem to be there...

The angel is announcing to the carrot that it is about to bear a naked mohawk baby that will save the bakery...

Miranda said...

I thought this site was about posting private bakery cakes, not those from chain store bakeries. I recognize a Publix (southeast grocery chain)label on one of the cakes (yes, I am that fat, lol). I dunno...these all look like grocery store cakes to me ://.

laura said...

Perhaps the angel was there to herold the birth of carrot riding baby!!

Loriwas said...

Wow.. wretched.. the one that slices: plastic fork, bowling pins, and superman emblem is more random than even I can comprehend.. : /

Anonymous said...

That green doll is just Frosting the Snowman...

Mama C said...

I'm still stuck on the scary dolls with the massive "belt buckles" ... Is it THAT hard to find dolls with hair that doesn't stick up like it's been chewed on by a baby?

caferacers66 said...

there is enough scatological source material in these wrecks to make Sigmund Freud up his coke intake by magnificent volumes. Were he alive that is. The Dora positioning... maybe the baker wants to do some exploring of her own.. well...won't go there...
As for the slice of wreck..well clearly Superman can throw a heck of a lane splitter perhaps the baker wants to too so I am chalking it up to wish fulfillmentt which falls neatly in line with the Sophos yearnings of the Dora baker.
The Guitar Herds is interesting, the implied arc of the rather well.. small phallic symbolism arcing perfectly over the number 50... The baker has gently suggested that perhaps the prime breeding years have gone by yet the dentures can still handle some sponge like sugary mass so man up Steven time to get macho.
The blue dog? Latent issues with a father figure I suspect, a "please recognize my unique diabetic inducing blueness daddy" cry for help. Guess that baker was part of the IronJohn movement back when.
Sigh*.. THe spiritual Nature of the carrot jockey experience is clearly being symbolized and referenced just for you Jen, Some poor 8 dollar and hour baker is silently acknowledging the cultural tour de force that is the cakewreck influence while trying to not tip off the 8.29 per hour shift manager that the carrot jockey revolution is underway. An age of enlightenment has begun by your hand, with luck in a few years this could mean the presidency.
Don't tell anyone.

ladyrazorsharp said...

The carrot just looks like an orange version of Mr. Hanky. *shudders*

The rest are testament to the long-held belief that if the visage of a popular cartoon character is slapped on merchandise, some little kid will scream until their parents buy it for them.

Except for Batdog. I don't know of a kid alive who would be fooled by that one...although I could very well be wrong!

Anonymous said...

@Miranda:
At Cake Wrecks, "Professional" cakes means cakes that aren't homemade. Cakes that were made in a bakery of some kind. Cakes that the baker/decorator expects someone to purchase with their hard-earned dollars. Whether the bakery is in a supermarket or not is not the point. The point is that the "professional" has such (a) poor skills, (b) low standards, (c) apathy, (d) a lack of creativity or (e) a frosting and flotsam fetish, and yet has the chutzpah (look it up) to charge full price for his/her wrecky creations. Jen's genius is that she has found a way to tranform sugary tragedy and WTF-ery into sweet comedy ROFLMAO-itude.
I Heart This Blog!
-joules

sendingtheclowns said...

I guess what bugs me about the Cupcake Girls is THIS:
You know DARN well that your little toodler granddaughter is going to start with the "I can get anything I want with enough noise" routine...

Little Precious Darling: (GASPING at the sight of them) "Oh! OH! Gammie! Me WANT one. Want candy GIRL... WANT. CANDY girl!!!
PEEaaassse!!

Doting "Gammie": "Oh, Sweetie, my precious DARLING!! I would LOVE to get it for you, Baby Doll--but your Mommy SAID 'no sweets before dinner' and it's almost dinner time!--it's not GAMMIE's fault!"

Precious little.Darling:
"GAMMIE!! Gammeeee...! WANT baby CANdy CANDY DRESS WITH WITH WITH
DRESSSSSSS!!!!"

Grandma: "Now, now. DEAR. Your MOTHER SAID..."

Small child (ramping it up a notch): " I waaaaant BABY candygirlinDRESScandeeeee!!!"

Grandmother: "NO means no... And you have to stop that!"

Little Bugger: "I WAAnnt--WAAAAHHHH!"

Exhausted Old Lady: "I am LEAVING this STORE. Come WITH me NOW and SHUT UP."

Tricia L said...

@ Miranda

That bakery label is also used at Walmart. I thought it was Publix too until I was opening a pastry box and said to myself, "I've seen that label before in CakeWrecks".

Stoich91 said...

@Miranda, this site is dedicated to poking fun at professional cakes gone bad, Publix chain store or no.

Anonymous said...

Just think, if this were restricted to private (non-chain store) bakeries only, we would have missed Happy Falker Satherhood! Inconceivable!

Lilly said...

I love your little tribute to Shakespeare. I think it was Billy S. It looked like it. I am reading Rom & Jul in class so I'd like to add my own little tribute:
"To crosseth vanilla icing-eth I dare not-eth dream, but the divine messenger of heaven-eth do-eth dare. All for the sake-eth of the holiest-eth carrot-bless├ęd." Did you know that Mr. Shakes wrote in iambic pentameter? that means five beats per line. It is unbelievably difficult. So to quote the famous Georgia Nicolson:

"I was being the prologue person and I was giving it my all at the front (oo-er).
I said:
"Two households both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona (where we lay our scene)
From ancient grude break to"--(and I couldn't resist the comedy opportunity)--"From ancient grudge break to new nudity,
Where civil pants makes civil pants unclean."

sendingtheclowns said...

@ Lilly:

Huh. Methinks that you studied a different Billy Shakespeare than I did (back in the Dark Ages).

Alluding to Fair Verona...
'twas more than the scene got laid.

=^~.-^=

Maddy said...

Quite bizarre. Thank you as always for adding a bit of fluffy frosting to my day.

Red Wolf said...

S-O-C-K-S, I remember that commercial! I asked a Spanish-speaking friend what that meant once and she gave me a blank look, and said it didn't mean anything. Hmmm...

Anonymous said...

Scroll down and click on S-O-C-K-S:

http://www.burkhardworks.com/ADSOURCES/downloadable_radio_commercials.html

Lisa S. Luckey said...

Oh my goodness, those are so funny!

Lisa

Melis said...

BRING ME THE HEAD OF DORA!!!!

How Wicked Witch of the West!

A. Fox said...

Snowmen are creepy bastards.

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/042610/snowman-love.gif

Anonymous said...

OMG! I cant believe you used the term S O C K S.....I used to say that all the time and nobody ever knew what the hell I was talking about! I knew I liked you for a reason:-)

Arlene said...

I honestly don't know what to say to these.. but that angel on the carrot cake makes me wonder if maybe the cake is past its expiration date and if you buy it you will need an angel to save your life lol. All the others are needlessly ruined by those pic things.. why oh why did they do it???

Whitney Elizabeth said...

my grandmother that bat-dog was a fish.

Michelle said...

You think that creepy blue thing is a dog?? I don't know what it is, but...I think it is an insult to canines everywhere to call it a dog! xD

Sapphragette said...

Hello...is that a carrot on your cake or are you just pleased to see me?

Em said...

Great post :)
Did anyone else notice, in the doll cake photo, the sign for "elephant ears $1.39 ea"? I know it's probably like one of those "bear claw" things, just a name, but doesn't make it any less creepy but also funny. Unless, of course, it's literal.

Silvertongue said...

@ Em

"Elephant Ears" is another name for palmiers, a pastry/cookie.

Still funny, though.

KayLove said...

Oh WOW! Ace the Bat-Hound! He was immortalized in cake this time. But he's really more of the german shepherd type, not a shih-tzu.

sendingtheclowns said...

@ EM:
Yeah, I saw that; it does sound TASTY, huh?
Here's what my intensive (NOT) research uncovered about the goodies:
****
Elephant Ears (pastry)
"Elephant ears” are sugary, fried dough pastries that are popular at state fairs. In Mexican bakeries, the same pastries are called orejas (ears). Other names for elephant ears include elephant tracks, knee patches, Swiss nothings, hocu-pocus crispies, angel wings, beaver tails (Canada), and langos (pronounced “langosh") chrusciki (Polish pastry).

“Elephant ears” were sold in bakeries as a kind of Danish pastry by the 1950s and 1960s. The 1919 and 1939 citations of “elephant ears” (below) are probably different than the pastry.
~~~~~~~
Eh--that's enough.
I personally LOVE the alternate name "KNEE PATCHES"!
=^~.~^=

Anonymous said...

Re S-O-C-K-S:

Actually, nobody's mentioned the funniest thing about that ad, unless I missed it in scrolling. To wit:
That course used lame tricks to simplify. The first ad had a woman lamenting that she could not learn another language; the announcer asks her if she can spell "socks". "S-O-C-K-S" she says. "Well," he says, "in Spanish, 'eso si que es' means 'That's what I want!'" The ad ended with the announcer saying, "If learning a new language is what YOU want, call..." and he gave the number.
Only problem was, that is NOT what "eso si que es" means. It ran constantly on the radio and for any Latino/a it must have been like nails on a chalkboard! But one day, I heard the ad and right after she spelled "socks", the announcer said, "Well, in Spanish, that means--" and here there was a slight pause for the splice in the tape. The announcer's voice continued in a rather bad match-up, "that's what it is!" Which of course made no sense, and made the tie-in with the ending totally nonsensical. I always wondered if anyone got as much of a laugh out of that fix-up as I did, but I've never heard anyone mention it til now! They should have just yanked it-- after all, they had another one for "lo siento" ("I'm sorry"), in which the mnemonic association was "I feel so low I see into my toes."
Honest!
Such a woebegone campaign seems appropriate to commemorate, somehow, for this site! :)

Kristi said...

flotsam plops!

it really is fun to say!!

flotsam plops! flotsam plops! flotsam plops!

Frzn D. said...

Yay, my first wreck! Glad I wasn't the only one disturbed by the Dora head (and friends).

Next time I go, I'll have to ask if they are rings...

Anonymous said...

I think the doll on the Dora cake was supposed to be Dora. Therefore, the Dora head. I think it's one of plastic rings kids give out on cake at birthday parties.

But still...

Anonymous said...

btw, love the "Super/bowl" theories. that's probably the twisted wreckerator logic and explains a bit.

still pathetic though.

wv: oriosea. a spell that Hermione (Harry Potter) uses when she's PMSing. it's to conjure Oreos.

Late said...

Great post! From my understanding, "Eso si que es"(S-O-C-K-S) is "it is what it is". My Dad taught me that. Another handy phrase in espanol: "Su es muy loco en la cabasa!", which translates to: "you are very crazy in the head". Have fun with that one...:)

Julie U said...

Is the angel really playing to a condom?

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase Joanna in Office Space:
"I don't like talking about my flotsam."

Anne said...

great post, jen! had me laughing out loud, especially the angel cake and superman bowling comments. =)