Monday, April 26, 2010

When Cake Becomes a Crime

Monday, April 26, 2010

Most wrecks are funny. Some are tragic. A few even make us cringe.

But then there's another kind of wreck: A wreck so heinous, so warped, so jaw-droppingly wrong, that it is a crime against humanity itself. These wrecks' very existence should be a punishable offense.

You know, stuff like this:

My apologies to those of you with weaker constitutions; I know how hard this is to look at.


What's that? You don't think butchering the Enterprise in this manner is a crime worthy of judicial condemnation? Really?


Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.


Well, fine, then. I'm sure you'll at least agree that this next one deserves the old heave-ho:

There she blows! (Chunks, that is.)

"That glistening pile is quite retch-ed, wouldn't you say, Ralph?"

"Ug, thanks for bringing that up, Chuck."


I'm also starting to think that black icing should be a controlled substance:

You know, have it locked up in the back somewhere, with a designated icing distributor on-site.

[twirling police baton] "So you want some icing, eh? And what will you be using it for?
A black smeary pit to stick plastic butterflies in?
Yeah, forget it, bub. Move along."

Admit it: That would be awesome.


Another common cake crime is the use of edible photo paper. Sure, a few cake artists can wield this WMD without causing wide-spread horror and gnashing of teeth, but most bakers use it to further the cause of chaos and evil.

And by "chaos and evil," I of course mean former Baywatch babes:

Busted!

I'm not sure which is scarier: the icing "hair," the obvious disregard for neck transitions, or the fact that these are actually the correct proportions for Pamela Anderson's body. [shudder]


Becky D., Rebecca I., Frances & Chris O., and Amanda I., if Brownie Husband ever becomes a reality, then I guess this won't seem so bad, huh?

- Related Wreckage: Guess Who!
Lauren Borquez said...

Wow I almost lost my breakfest on Cake#2

Anonymous said...

Brownie Husband video was removed by the user :-(

JelliDonut said...

That turkey cake made me throw up a little. As for the alleged Star Trek cake--prison with no chance of parole!

janebabes said...

These are the days that make me long for a scanner. My brother and I made a better Star Trek cake than that when I was 14 (so about 10 years before my sister and I actually started learning to decorate cakes) using nothing but a knife, some gray icing, and M&Ms. That thing looks like a cross between a blimp and a jet. *shudder* Someone, please, put that thing out of it's misery.

michelle said...

Coincidentally (or perhaps not), the following Overhead in the Office quote popped up right before this Cakewrecks post in my Google Reader: http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/011165.html

The cake is still atrocious, though . . .

Jennie said...

WOW!! That Star Trek cake looks like the "Darwin fish" you sometimes see on the backs of cars! And as for the turkey... well, it's a good thing I hadn't eaten yet :)

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

2 is pretty horrible, but I think the biggest tragedy of the last cake is the lack of Dancing with the Stars references - I mean, talk about a missed opportunity!

tuddswife said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little - that turkey cake is beyond disturbing.

Anonymous said...

How tragic to see that Pamela Anderson has an advanced case of jaundice.

On the Enterprise crime scene, yes, it's a crime. But an inspiring one. I thought of a favorite Sandburg poem, with a new twist....

"The Enterprise comes in on little duck feet." Lily

Ken said...

Did I hear someone gasp, "Star Wrek"?

MiffTheFox said...

Well, at least the Trek cake doesn't have Star Wars figures on it.

MN said...

The best (worst?) part of the turkey cake is that those look like WRAPPED caramels coming out of its cavity. How are you supposed to eat that? Oh, you're not? NOW it makes sense!

Miss B. Haven said...

That's some Star Wreck there...sorry, couldn't resist the pun.

~E

Sharon said...

Those "cornbread cubes" are caramels still in the wrapper, aren't they?

/shakes head

I am curious though what the cranberries actually are. The cake doesn't make me queasy, but doesn't excite me either. Of course, the whole point of having a roasted, stuffed cake is lost on me in the first place.

The Enterprise cake just fails in every way.

And I don't know what to make of the lava butterflies, but I do know no one wants to touch that much black icing. I bet it started out with something else, decorator messed up, tried to fix it, made it worse, then just tried to 'black-out' over the mess because the boss said they couldn't throw it out. Yeah...let's give them the benefit of a doubt. This time. >.>

Anonymous said...

The Pam Anderson cake is fantastic! (And by fantastic, I of course mean simultaneously gag-inducing and tears-of-laughter-causing.) My favorite part is definitely the hair. "Hm. What is Pam Anderson known for? Obviously, her hair. We need to make that a leeeeetle more evident on this cake." That's right-- just let loose with that icing bag for that realistic hair texture.

--kate

Rufus Opus said...

That first cake isn't the Enterprise at all, it's front half of the Headless Donkey costume some cosplayer was planning to wear to the con, but his SO wouldn't let him because A) it was a bad idea, there is no Headless Donkey episode on any of the Star Treks, even though it would rock, and B) her half of the costume was even worse.

-Rufus

Sharon said...

Oh, yes, the Pamela Anderson cake.

One look is better than a cold shower.

Gary said...

The CCC Star Trek is pretty horrendous, but that vomiting turkey is sort of stunning, in its own way. It's realistic, but not in a good way.

As for the too-much-black-icing number, I'm wondering what it looked like before it melted.

The thing about the Pamela Anderson effigy is, I'm not sure where the photo ends and the frosting begins. In fact, maybe that's just a photo of the real Pamela.

Bekah said...

The turkey cake is stuffed is cat food right? barf...

Carol said...

What have they DONE to the Enterprise?!?!?!?!?!?! That might be the most horrific cake EVER!! Poor Gene....must be rolling over in his grave!

manybellsdown said...

I swear, my ASL teacher drew that "Star Trek" cake on the board last week. We were learning signs for transportation, and he threw that one in there for the humor, but I could not figure out what the hell he was drawing. NOW at last the mystery has been solved!

Allen's Brain said...

Cake #3 makes me envision a LaBrea Tar Pit cake with dinosaurs, et al sticking in the thick black icing.

Little Lovables said...

that turkey cake is truly disgusting.

and pam's cake looks more phallic to me in shape...

Tricia L said...

Why do they even make black icing? I see no reasonable use for it at all.

Anonymous said...

That Star Trek cake is "warped" enough to "drive" one space-sick! LOL!

Anonymous said...

The filling in the brownie husband made me want to skip lunch. Disgusting! (And thanks for another great post.)

Anonymous said...

That turkey cake is one of the most revolting things I've ever seen on this site. And that's really saying something!

And the commentary for the Pamela Anderson cake made me choke on my tea; thanks for that. ;)

LaurenH said...

I think my favorite part is that your Icing Distributor appears to be Wolverine! :)

Karasu said...

"weaker constitutions" indeed....

*laugh*

What a "class"-y pun!

Paul R. Potts said...

Oddly enough, I had almost the same visceral feeling of wrongness to that Enterprise cake as I did when I saw what they had done to the Enterprise in the 2009 _Star Trek_ movie...

kimberj said...

The black gooey mess looks like a bloody crime scene with vampire butterflies, that must have been some celebration. The turkey one make me want to "Urp.. Blaghhhh!" The Pamela one is disturbingly hilarious.

Anonymous said...

I could comment on the wreckiness of today's cakes, but I believe the props go to Jen for her commentary on these bakery blunders. Jen, your puns, quips, etc., were absolutely fabulous - especially for the turkey (how many different ways can you describe the act of vomiting without actually saying the word - at least four, it seems!). Brilliant!

A Girl In Her Kitchen said...

Somebody call the Cake-Scene Investigators!!

http://agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

sendingtheclowns said...

Sometimes the SIMPLEST theory is the the one most likely to be the truth.
Submitted for your approval:

1. Mr. T. Turkey is hanging out on the rack in the grocer's cooler, minding his own business and awaiting further instructions.
2. Ms. BUTTERCREME WHITE (CHOCOLATE DECOR CAKE), also in the cooler, is smoothing out her creamy dress...primping in anticipation of store's opening...all ready to bat her butterflies at prospective buyers.
3. The horror begins when Mr. T. Turkey realizes that while he has been stuffed~~and quite gorgeously, we might add~~he hasn't yet been relieved of his drippy, bloody giblet bag.
4. Tragedy strikes when the drippy, bloody giblet bag begins to ooze its contents down...down...down...
drop by gory drop..
upon poor Ms. BUTTERCREME WHITE (CHOCOLATE DECOR CAKE).
The only thing I can't figure out is HOW did all that happen with the plastic cover on the cake???
HUH. Maybe there isn't a simple explanation after all.
=^6.6^=

Amanda said...

Ewwwww!

Carpe Cupcakes! said...

Mr. Spock would call the Star Trek cake "ILLOGICAL"...I just call it a tragedy.

Betsy said...

My favorite part about the Turkey cake is that the "turkey" was stuffed from the wrong end. At least in my experience, we stuffed the turkey from where the head used to be. Or it's legs are on backwards and on the wrong end. Either way, it's disgusting.

Amanda L said...

The best part about that Pamela Anderson cake is that edible photo paper wasn't even used! That bakery puts REAL pictures on their cakes.

Anonymous said...

Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pastry chef!
-L. McCoy

Anonymous said...

Poor Pamela - her skin looks so yellow. She must still be suffering from jaundice from the hepatitis.

Anonymous said...

i can't understand how anyone could want to eat a turkey that tastes like cake, but looks like turkey. especially one that looks like the result of a nite of bingeing or a crime scene.

Anonymous said...

I have stuffed a turkey with apples, but I never thought to stuff a turkey with CARAMEL apples!

*shudder*

Anonymous said...

@Betsy - I don't think the turkey cake is stuffed backwards. I usually stuff from the tail end of the turkey, and just tuck some celery in the head end.

dietplaid said...

Hm, it looks like chunky dog food with berries pouring out of that turkey's butt. Lovely.

ladycrim said...

I didn't know the Enterprise was a blimp!

(This gives me an interesting idea for a Steampunk Star Trek, though ...)

Jenn said...

The turkey cake... though on the side of absolutely disgusting gets major points from me for being extremely creative and very realistic. Kudos turkey creator.

Scarlett Robyn said...

Number 2 was just....urgh. The last one was.....?!?!
HILARIOUS as always, thanx! ;-)

Brian King said...

Tell me that the use of the word "Constitution" was intentional. Star Trek geeks know that the Enterprise is a Constitution class vessel.

Viewtiful_Justin said...

OMG. The Star Trek cake looks like it should be a Weight Watchers "before" shot. "Look how big my pants used to be! And now? I'm a size -6!"

Cara said...

Dont know why the turkey cake is considered wrecky, it looks just like a turkey with stuffing and cranberries. I would more than definitely eat a drumstick or two; it looks like I would get a nice mouthful of chocolate~

Anna @ Photos by FAR said...

That first one has that added evil of being a CCC *patooy* I believe.

The Gravekeeper said...

That's no Enterprise...it's a fish that's just grown a pair of legs and is crawling onto land. And that fish happens to have "Star Trek" tattooed on its side. And has no fins.

Maura said...

O, blasphemous Enterprise! You are Picasso's manatee. I am anxiously awaiting a dyslexic shark attack from below...

Anonymous said...

When I worked at a bakery we STRONGLY discouraged customers from ordering cakes with black icing.
1. It makes everyones teeth black, so your lovely wedding photos make it look like everyone has been hitting the chewing tobacco pretty hard since they were two

2. Whatever ever chemical properties are in black icing dye are pretty bitter and nasty tasting

I am wondering if bakers aren't sharing this info with their clients, in the case of black icing the customer is not always right.

Rache G

sendingtheclowns said...

@ Anonymous 10:06,

Sandburg.
Star Trek.

= two things that should NEVER be mentioned in the same "breath" (or keystrokes) with
what
ever
that
thing
is
in the first picture.

Set phasers to OVERLOAD!

ladyrazorsharp said...

Wow. That turkey cake is so barf-tastic, it should come with a warning label. "Warning: May Induce Projectile Vomiting!"

I'm no Trekkie but that first cake is an abomination! It looks like a beheaded Loch Ness Monster with its little flippers hanging off the bottom. 0_o

I don't get the attraction of boob cakes. You have to SLICE into them! Okay, we need to ban cakes that look like parts of humans. Except for clowns.

Graceful Moments said...

The thing with feet in number one is really supposed to be the Enterprise? bad,bad,bad!
Unfortunately I was eating when I saw pic number 2. Now I'm just nauseated.
Why would you ever need black icing?
Have Pamela's tata's really fallen so badly that she now has a flat chest with boobies on her stomach? How pitiful.

livingandthriving said...

That turkey cake is just WRONG on so many levels...

Kimberly Chapman said...

Okay, I could deal with the Enterprise cake if they just did the saucer section and had an interesting or at least funny backstory of why they'd undergone saucer separation. That's a good cheeseball part of the show, so fair 'nuff.

But why oh why does it have FEET?!

Now I will grant that it's actually a pain in the butt to make, and forward-heavy (probably because of all the hootch stored in Ten Forward), so I had to mount my mini one on a little black circle (http://kimberlychapman.com/crafts/cakes/cake-2010alienfilmfestival-09-parkingside1.jpg) and it was difficult to get the proportions even close to right, but COME ON. Decorators, at least do a Google image search on any fan-based cake you make! ARGH!

And the turkey thing is gross, mostly because it looks like it's pooping stuffing.

Kymm said...

I honestly think that the turkey cake is the greatest cake in the history of cakes.

Anonymous said...

The Star Trek cake is obviously an alien life form - look, its got eyes on those appendages below it. Let's hope it boldly goes.

The last one it too, I think she appeared in 'Mars Attacks'



(The turkey one is helping with my diet, many thanks!)

Kim said...

If you can't view the Brownie Husband video, look up the recent SNL episode hosted by Tina Fey. It's one of the skits from that show. DEFINITELY worth watching!

I agree, the inch-thick slather look makes me suspect that the grey thing labeled "Star Trek" is a dreaded CCC. In this case, double- or triple-dreaded.

Not to be picky, but I count *5* barf references! And yes, there are a zillion more, Jen of course stuck with the most um, TASTEFUL isn't the right word, let's go with INNOCUOUS!
Kim

Mary Connealy said...

Actually, the Pamela Anderson cake has a sheer evil, parody charm.

I'm with you on the black icing though. My daughter's graduation colors were black and red.

soooooooooo many discolored teeth--I mean amongst my guests--on ON the cake. We saved that for a hill billy celebration we had once.

We learned an important lesson. No matter WHAT color the school decided were class colors, we ignored them and just went with pastel cake.

caferacers66 said...

set the phasers to kill Scotty!
Aye sir!
Hulu what are the readings?

It Jammed the scanners sir I cannot penetrate that frosting defense system!

What fiendish life form is this Spock?

Illogical captain it does not equate.

Harrod said...

The Star Trek cake is clearly the USS Reliant from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

http://www.starshipmodeler.com/trek/reliant.jpg

Bree said...

The fact that the icing on the turkey cake is shiny makes it more disgusting than it already is.

Beth said...

I'm going to go watch a cute kids movie now, I need to get those horrible cake images outta my head. yowsers.

Knotty Melody said...

Wreck rhymes with trek.

D.B. Echo said...

That isn't the Constitution-class Enterprise, that's a Miranda-class ship, possibly the Reliant as seen in The Wrath of Khan! You can tell by the nacelles being positioned beneath the hull. Still badly done, though...

Anonymous said...

The turkey cake's "suffing" looks an awful lot like canned dog food! My first thought while looking at it was "Why is there dog food on a chicken!?" I'd hate to go to thanksgiving dinner at that wreckorator's house!

Aliza said...

Funny, I don't think the turkey cake is that bad. Why anyone would want to follow a turkey dinner with a turkey cake is a mystery to me, but at least it was rather well done. Of course, I do rather like Kraft caramels so I might be biased .

The hideous black topped cake, however, should have been put out of its misery by... well, driving over it (maybe that's the red? roadkill??). The asphalt, however, might get insulted.

WV: Hyreate. Hysterial laughter over Cake Wrecks creations.

T-rexy said...

the turkey cake... it's so.... shiney...

ReaderRita said...

Each and every one of these cakes is somehow horrifying, and all truly deserve their "wreck" status...but the turkey cake, well, that just made me want to cover it with the RED SAWDUST that the janitor had for such situations in grade school...

jengersnap said...

For the Star Wreck... the wreckorators should be sentenced to life on the frigid gulag planet of Rura Penthe.

Riker said "Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise." Apparently this one slipped through a wormhole...

Jennifer said...

"Heave" being the operative word here! These are all so scary... they prove once again that many bakeries have a wide parameter of what they consider "talent"!

I almost peed my pants watching Brownie Husband... Tina Fey is the queen!

Aviatrix said...

Some wrecks are wrecks because they don't look anything like what they are supposed to look like (#1). Some wrecks are wrecks because they look entirely too exactly like what they are supposed to look like, and cake shouldn't look like that (#2).

lisagems said...

Oh. Wow. that's... right. no comment on the trek wrek.

But the turkey? Are those caramels? What the 4e11 are they in, they're all... gooey and glisteny and.. *mrph* ('scusemeplease!)

The third one looks more to me like somebody didn't know when to stop with the red paste color. Still disgusting.

And isn't it appropriate that you posted that last one on Boobquake day (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116336578385346)

Amaranthine said...

As a diehard Star WARS fan, I laugh evilly at that mangled Enterprise.

MWAHHAHAHAHA!

Diane said...

You know, I actually think the turkey cake's kinda cool.

J said...

The turkey looks like it's pooing grapes and caramels...like the kind you get for making caramel apples...and then was glazed with Vaseline. I must thank you for posting this in April and not close to Thanksgiving.

Roland said...

Well that obviously isn't the Enterprise.

It could be... (*goes off to do some research*)... the Titan, maybe? Or the Bader? The Clearview? There are other Starfleet vessels it could possibly be, viewed from an angle....

Bakingdom said...

Cake #1 is an utter travesty!! Sincerely!

But cake #2...I couldn't look at it. I am still nauseous. Please don't make me look again. Please

Alaina said...

Hulu is not Canada-friendly! :(

Ensign Rene said...

Wow.

That Star Trek CCC looks like a rejected "Mr. Men" character.

The turkey... well, I just plain don't see the point of a turkey-shaped cake. If you're going to do something, though, do it RIGHT. Don't leave wrapped candies in place of stuffing. Especially when (as was pointed out) it looks kinda like dog food if you do.

I look at those butterflies and I only hope they can escape being sucked into that Dark Vortex of Doom.

As for Pam... at least she's participating in BOOBQUAKE!

Anne said...

The crew of the Enterprise is crying over the horrid depiction of their "beautiful lady"

There should be a General order on this.
http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/General_Order_4

DJ said...

Turkey cake for dessert. I guess that means they had turkey meatloaf for dinner.

Cutelilsnot said...

Ok - "Star Trek - the Next Manatee."
And poor Pamela Sue looks like she ended up on a peniscake.

Vengeance and Vanity said...

Turkey cake has lost its bucket!

Lisa said...

My husband said, in regard to the "turkey," - "That doesn't look like a turkey, it looks like a diseased vagina."

Bianca said...

This site is hilarious. Who would've thought that there's such a thing as a cake disaster! Cakes seem to always look perfect.

Decadent Housewife said...

Maybe it's not the Enterprise - maybe it's Herman Munster's lobotomy.

Sixxlet said...

How is the turkey cake a wreck? It really DOES look like a stuffed turkey. Whoever did it did an excellent job!

Culinarychiq said...

That turkey cake made me very uncomfortable:-p Am I the only one who could see it... throbbing?

the dixon-stubblefield blog said...

I love the cakes - I mean the awfulness ... but I hate the new "more more more" thing on the bottom. I find it distracting :( otherwise you guys are the greatest. And funniest. Really the est of everything.

Trish said...

NOOOO! Who wrote Star Trek on the crappy UFO-looking thing! Must.. console self... by watching this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWBmaKk32fE
Ahhhh...... better.

Anonymous said...

all I can imagine with the Pamela cake is that ... someone intentionally made it that ugly... knowing Tom would "motorboat" it anyway.... just sayin

Arlene said...

I don't know which is worse that horrible Pam cake with huge balloons or that turkey that is pooping out caramels.. I will never eat caramel again just seeing that thing makes me wish today was Sunday! And if my hubby saw that Star Trek cake he would probably take a lightsaber to the wreckerator lol..

The Bunny said...

One good reason to break out the black icing...it can turn the eater's poop kelly green. Which is fun to surprise your party guests with the day after the party!

Signed,
Completely anonymous (I'm not admitting anything here)

Drawn to Caricature said...

A grusome collection here!
In defence of the first Wreck, I think it's supposed to be the Enterprise at an angle. Looking down from behind.
Not that I think it's not a wreck, but I can see what they were trying to do! Trying being the operative word here, you understand!
CCC, yuk!

Anonymous said...

Black icing has its uses... This is not one of them, though.

The turkey cake picture is now on my fridge, as a diet aid.

Sarah & Sean said...

Is it just me or are there extra "boobs" on the shelf below the Pamela cake? What? Is that in case one breaks?

Marcos said...

Harrod: You give the wreckerator too much credit if you think that was based on the Reliant. I'm sure it was intended to be some iteration of the Enterprise, just rendered by someone operating without a model of any kind.
Which is perfectly reasonable, of course. Pictures of the Enterprise are so hard to come by, and it's not like Trekkies are notorious nitpickers or anything...

Lose That Girl said...

Oh, man!!! That turkey hurling from its *ahem* privates is the most horrific thing I've ever seen! Ugh... and it's meant to be *hurl* edible?!?!?

Sharon said...

Darwin Fish?
Darwin Turtle more like.

The Captain said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO THE ENTERPRISE?!

D.B. Echo said...

I am wondering if the cake shaped like a turkey was the dessert course following a turkey shaped like a cake.

Let The Wookie Win said...

Cake #1 isn't a wreck! That's the most accurate portrayal of the Enterprise I've ever seen!!

Star wars for LIFE ;)

Sapphragette said...

OK this just reinforces why I am vegetarian... and am now including all cakes pretending to be meats...(which includes the "black and white and red all over" raccoon roadkill wreck.

Craig Craigson said...

You could argue that the star trek cake was the USS Reliant? The nacelles are about right for that.

God I'm a nerd.

dappleddakota said...

Oh, the horror! The poor Enterprise. Someone needs to be thrown in the brig.

Vivian said...

"Thanks for bringing that up, Chuck"

...NICE. That was a double! I didn't even think to directly append "Chuck" at first, and it was *still* a puke pun. Well done!

1Kathleen said...

Obviously I'm coming to the party late and admittedly haven't read all 100+ comments. BUT is it just me or does the Pam Anderson cake look rather, well, phallic, in a ballsy sorta way?

Anonymous said...

I've never commented before. First of all thanks for this awesome blog, you've given my 'kids' and I (21 & 17yrs old respectively) countless hours of giggles and uncontrollable crazy laughter depending on how tired we are when we read this.
Anyhoo...I think that turkey cake is the grossest thing I've ever seen. EXCELLENT...well done!!

Racquelle

stogoe said...

It could be a Soyuz Class or Miranda Class vessel*, and not the Constitution Class or Galaxy Class that...

*sigh*

I'm gonna stop right there, because anyone who could wreck a Star Trek ship like that has no idea that there are other types of ships in Star Trek beyond the Enterprise.

*Yes, I did know that there were ships with the nacelles underneath the saucer but I did have to look up their names.

Mollie said...

My three year old walked by while I was looking at the turkey one and yelled out "Ew! Chicken butt! That's nasty!" And she is right.

bootylicious said...

You can just imagine turning up at the party where Cake #4 was being served and being given a huge slice of boob!!!

Cupcakes Lady said...

The Pam cake...is poor. Lets be honest. Thats all i can say. xx