Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wacked Out Wrecks

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Some days you've really got to wonder: just what are they doing in bakeries these days?

And more importantly: if we ask, will they share?


After all, anyone who makes something like this:

(Blueberry iced cupcakes topped with wrapped cinnamon gum? Score!)

...is clearly beyond the party-pooping cares of "reality."

In fact, sometimes I come across a cake so bizarre, so insane, so what-were-they-thinking?? nuts, that I have no choice but to tip the ol' metaphorical hat in respect.

A Styrofoam cup embedded in mold-flecked balls of yellow "soda" surrounded by a poo wall?

[tipping hat] Well played, master Wreckerator. Well played.


Megan A., Desiree C., & Amber T., I wouldn't recommend zooming in on that "soda" unless you're on a diet.

- Related Wreckage: Merci!
morriganscrow said...

Other than wincing at the sheer enormity of the (?)dog-riding clown's crotch, I really have nothing else to say....

Except "don't eat the yellow snow".

Miranda said...

A maniacal clown riding a poop dog. *shudder*

Anonymous said...

Huh?????????

Gary said...

I don't even know if these are wrecks. They're more of a surrealist art form. Blue-iced cupcakes with sticks of gum on top? Wow.
"Soda"? I think we've just moved into some parallel universe.

anna said...

thinking they were going for movie popcorn with the soda one perhaps? or maybe that is just giving too much credit!

Charlene said...

WTF???? Are they dropping acid while decorating?

glynis said...

My question is not so much WHAT they are doing, but WHY!!! Would THEY take that cake home? I remember walking by the bakery in the grocery store and being amazed at all the beautiful cakes...sometimes my amazement is now something totally different, as you well point out. :-)

Tanja said...

I just don't understand, what is it about poo that makes cake decorators use it so much.

Lauren Borquez said...

Woo hoo a clown riding a poop Yorkie?? to the finish line? Yea pass whatever your having..I wont even get into the yellow ball soda cup floating in poo YUCK

Terry Lee said...

dear gawd almighty.

come on poopie! hurry up! we're almost to the finish line!

perhaps the trident is to help remove the blue icing stains on your teeth after eating those cupcakes?!

moldy yellow globs of god-knows-what?! it's beyond comprehension.

great wrecks today. just great.

Michelle P said...

Laughing hysterically makes you squint a bit - thus the gum on the cupcakes looked a bit like bacon to me.
Blueberry and Bacon - YUUUUMMMMM!!!!

WV - demsh
Demsh be shome nashty cakesh dude!

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Yay Mystery cake! I suppose the idea is to solve the mystery perhaps?

Brittany M said...

Well, those cakes sure are making me thirsty for some soda. And then I can chew some Trident gum to get the poo dog out of my teeth!

M. Landers said...

For one brief, shining moment I thought, "well, they did a good job with the cup, anyway." Until it occurred to me that why yes, someone *would* in fact put a real disposable cup onto a cake as decor.

Stella said...

Lovely. How come the last one looks like it has peep bodies?

Kate said...

I'm pretty sure the yellow junk with the soda cup is meant to be popcorn. So clearly, it's a cake of a movie theatre floor.

Ew.

Yellow soda might have been better.

Margaret said...

At first glance, I thought the cupcakes had bacon on them, so gum actually doesn't seem so bad.

Katie said...

I like how they labeled the Styrofoam cup.

The Boob Nazi said...

Maybe the gum one is for a dentist party? They'll eat the sugar and then use the gum to feel better about it?

teacher lady said...

Maybe I'm reaching here, but could the last one be a bucket of popcorn and a soda for a movie-themed party? Am I reaching too far? Yeah, I probably am...

Elisabeth Marie said...

Honestly I thought the gum was bacon...lol

Jeanette said...

The first one is clearly a clown riding a bantha.

Jill of Ark said...

Is there really any flavor of gum that *would* jive with blueberry icing?

Anonymous said...

I don't understand. Please tell me their were special pills that made them do it. A dog-riding clown race? Trident topped cupcakes? A styrofoam cup on a bed of mold?

Anonymous said...

Blueberry, gum cupcakes? A bargain at $7.49? Apparently a "different" kind of smoking break at that bakery..

thesacredandtheprofane said...

I too thought the gum was bacon at first- cupcakes for hipsters riding the bacon band wagon. But upon closer inspection, is it just me or does the cinnamon gum/blueberry frosting look like it's on top of chocolate cupcakes? How many flavors can you get in one "treat"? Scuze me while I barf now...

Vanessa said...

My first thought on the blueberry cupcakes was bacon (no...it can't be...), then my second thought were those fat pretzel sticks (oh come on...why would they put pretzels on cupcakes?). I was forced to zoom in on the image and gazed in silent wonder at GUM on cupcakes. Gum!! I just don't get the whole cupcake decor thing at all. My kids love it when they get toys and rings on cupcakes, and I shudder when I see them cheerfully sucking the frosting off their plastic toys so they can play with or wear them.

This post and the one from yesterday just go to prove something: just because you can hold a pastry bag and own an airbrush does not mean you have any clue as to what a good cake looks like or how to make one. There are some decorators out there that should just be slapped.

Jasry said...

Glad to see I'm not the only one who thought the gum was bacon, heh. I am also glad I wasn't drinking my milk as I waited for the page to load. I've learned my lesson there!
I'm thinkin' that these cakes were done as therapy in a mental hospital. Or maybe I'm just hoping that they were....

Ruth said...

Can that first monstrosity even be considered a cake? It looks like a mound of frosting topped with insane clown horror.

Stephanie said...

Wow,these are so bad!!! I can't get past the scary bloated clown atop a poo-Yeti.

And what's with the gum?!

Monique in TX said...

Just how much cake is under that poo-dog riding clown? Is there anything actually THERE?

Susan said...

BRB, throwing up


"ingstica" - the sound I made while retching after looking at these vakes

Mary Connealy said...

I'd like to beg you to admit you are making these cakes up.

I think I'd feel better about the future of the planet. :)

Straw said...

When I first glanced at the second pic, I thought the trident strips were pieces of bacon. In which case it would not be a wreck, it would be an awesome. Alas, after my eyes focused I saw they were trident strips. So yeah: wreck.

wackplayer said...

At least they wouldn't have to throw away all that gum when it expires next week.

Caroline B said...

What unholy collusion is this, a clown riding a poo-hound? In a race? Now bakeries are combining the awfulness? Sheesh!
That yellow thing masquerading as a cake at the end is just nasty......

Anonymous said...

Noooo Jen, I don't think it's cinnamon flavored, it's like this orangey citrus called "Tropical Twist". I'm like 90% sure on this. At least it makes more sense than cinnamon.

OKP said...

A Yorkie won the Westminster dog show...I doubt his owner was a part-time clown...but...you never know.

Deborah said...

funny... I thought the gum was bacon also!

and the yellow stuff looks like melted peeps to me

bizarre!

Dorci said...

That first one looks like a nightmare after a night of bad pizza.

Elizabeth said...

WEIRD...that's all I've got to say.

agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

LeftWingLock said...

Imagine, if you will, a shelf full of creepy clowns... all riding different poo animals... racing towards a finish line that never seems to materialize...and you realize that you have entered the Twilight Bakery Zone.

Cupcakes, gum, soda, and popcorn are available at our concession stand...enjoy the race!!

Anonymous said...

A garish drunken clown monster riding a poop dog?

- I'll have one of whatever the baker's on please


One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said;
"Keep YOUR HEAD
_______________
Keep your head"

Tamara Marnell said...

Dog? That's obviously a canine-centipede hybrid--that, or the kitchen has some serious radioactivity contamination.

Anonymous said...

I want to know where the bottom half of the clown went. Is this some sort of new Karnie Special Olympics event?

jillb-ilslp said...

Based on the picture plus the comments, the last one makes me want to see what happens when you pour soda over peeps.

Amy said...

So when I was in college, a friend of mine and I started to use the word "cake" instead of "clueless" (long story, I'll share it with you some other time if you're interested) as in, "I'm totally cake about what that professor wanted for that assignment." It stuck, and my husband & I still use it to this day.

Now, today, it takes on a whole new meaning and gravity. I am totally cake about these cakes.

Fluffy Cow said...

According to my 10 year old daughter:
1- I think it's a clown... on a pig?
2- Bacon on cupcakes???
3- Supposed to be movie themed... like popcorn and soda. I have no idea.

hee hee kids are great.

Cheressa said...

What on earth inspired the wrapped sticks of cinnamon gum??? On a cupcake with blueberry icing!?!? What the frick!! WHAT ARE THEY THINKING!??!?!?

Terri said...

The 'soda' cake - a new low in putting cruddy plastic crap on cakes.

The 'clown' cake - a bad dream I once had when I mixed illegal pharmaceuticals with Red Bull and baked beans.

The 'gum' cake - bacon would have been an improvement . . .

And to think I was shaking my head in amazement at the wreck at my Wal-Mart last week (didn't have my camera - pout) that was a CCC shaped and painted to look like a fire hydrant. That was high art compared to these.

Cakewrecks - the only thing that can wring a smile out of me these days, thank you Jen and all the wreckers out there!

Trevor said...

I think these are all exhbiits for a new modern art museum. Yeah... that's it.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I think I may understand the concepts:
The clown riding the pooh Yorkie and the blue cupcakes with gum on them are either some sort of private joke or symbols of an unknown holiday [like festivus] that are going to break out any time.
The third picture is a poorly rendered popcorn--perhaps some sort of movie cake? Which may be better or worse than those 'Twilight' cakes you posted earlier...perhaps they ran out of black and red frosting.

LJ said...

I think it's time we all would have better understood *actual* bacon on the cupcakes. It'd be like an art project then.

As for what gum flavor does go with blueberry frosting (not cinnamon) - I vote for BlueBerry gum (Lotte). That has always been one of my favorite. Though I don't like frosting and would just go for the gum.

YEEHAW POO DOGGIE!

Cher' Shots said...

And all these years I kept thinking "I could have done that a little better" when in reality I just needed to get a job at a bakery!!!

Anonymous said...

I have to come clean. I admit. I would be tempted to buy these for the sheer hilarity of it. It's the same reason I love to watch the men figure skaters and their interesting choice of outfits.

That first one WOULD be an excellent way to celebrate a recently potty-trained kid or someone battling constipation?? ("Yay! You finished!")

Melissa (& Billy) said...

I suppose the Trident gum is all right...after all, doesn't it help your teeth after a sugary snack?

...just sayin'. But still, that's weird. 0_o

WV: Moosess--a female moose XD

Destinie said...

That soda cake just helped me a lot since i gave up soda for Lent.
Perhaps I'd give it up permanently if i actually had to eat it.
Ewww.

Anonymous said...

I think I figured out the gum topped blueberry cupcakes. I may be going out on a limb here, but my brain aches for some sort of logic. They were supposed to be ocean themed cupcakes. Perhaps someone ordered them wanting tridents on them for their Under the Sea party. So naturally...our dear ol Grocery Store Wreckerator put Trident on them...oh 2 pieces since it did say Tridents!

-Leash

Noir said...

I thought you were joking about the mold on the last cake, and that the flecks were just green frosting. Until I viewed the enlarged image :(

Viewtiful_Justin said...

Truly a WTF moment from the bakery.

sara said...

Oh my. I love that that last one looks like it's in a petri dish. Because, really, that needs to be put under a microscope and studied! :)

Carma said...

I want to know who is buying these cakes. I want names, numbers, and sizes for the straighjackets.
Seriously, blueberry icing? (look at the research...blueberries are GOOD for you.) And a two-fer dessert for the after dinner gum. (cinnamon? really?)
And what pray tell happens to the dog when it gets the psycho clown to the finish line?

Not even sure what to do with the soda.


WV - Parasaxes
A tool used by a paradox.

tariqata said...

The thing that particularly horrifies me about that first cake is that not only does it feature a legless clown jockey on a poop dog, but the poop dog appears to be racing in what I can only hope is supposed to be a mud puddle.

Also, why is the cake on a floor?

neglectarino said...

All I want to know is in this economy, how are these people getting and *keeping* their jobs?

Mary said...

Poo dog. If they know they can't make a dog look realistic, why do they even bother?

Anonymous said...

WHERE are you people shopping that you find these things??? I hope the deals you are presumably getting are worth it! :)

--kate

Fiona said...

Oh Jen, why did you have tell us NOT to zoom in on the "soda"?

Cos guess what I just had to do....

BLEEEEUUUUUURRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Kathleen in Canada said...

I can just picture the back story of the blue cupcakes. How many bets they were supposed to have multi-coloured gum balls placed on top? How many bets they ran out of gum balls in their supplies? I'm picturing the baker asking the supervisor what do do because they'd run out of gum balls, only to be told "We're in a grocery store... go find something". Picking up sprinkles from the cake aisle would mean thinking... so the baker went to the candy aisle and picked up the only gum they have in a grocery store... a multi-pack of Trident LOL

LeeAnn said...

I get a kick out of this blog since I work in a bakery.

Anonymous said...

Cupcakes "assorted 12 pack"--assorted cupcakes or assorted gum? the cupcakes look the same. I thought they were bacon too. either way, duh-yuck.

Styrofoam cup labled "soda" smooshed into a moldy peep pile (on a poop discus?)

did anyone notice there's no price on that one? how can we be sure that really is a cake? what if they just put the plastic cover on it to "contain" the mess. i like the theory that's a specimen of the movie theater floor....

the crazy, puffy, half clown riding the poo-dog with silly string reins. to a "fiwish" line. is it some sort of special olympics circus? with only one competitor? with poo issues? and why is the "cake" on the floor? (thanks for pointing that out...i didn't notice the carpet at first.)

reminds me of "Better Off Dead" when Lane's mother's food was always slightly alive. the iridiescent goop with raisins crawled off his plate....maybe they expect the same of this "dog" clown hybrid thing...

wv. teldax--what you need after you eat pooh dogs, clowns, moldy peeps and blueberry icing.

btw, I LOVE the theory about the ocean themed cupcakes with "tridents". sheer genius!

Lady Anne said...

Well, it didn't help that I was reading the clown cake upside down, either. "HSNIY"? Wazzat?

Of course, now that I see it says "FINISH" I'm really no more enlightened than I was before.

msyendor said...

Yup, soda cup, peeps stomped into brown painted cracked cement flooring, green mold spots. Real appetizing. Oh. and label the styrofoam cup w/black marker just in case someone gets the insane idea it's fondant.

Time to hit I-Hop and order some blueberry crepes w/a side of bacon

WV: Biert > beer + art + more beer + frosting bag.

Blondiesblondemoments said...

where do you find these things? The first one makes me cringe..eww

Wendy said...

What ARE they doing in the bakeries? Crack?

The real question here is that with high unemployment, bakery managers should be able to be very picky about who they staff. It looks like they are hiring anyone with a pulse.

Please, people, if you are that bad with a tube of icing, get a different job. Like delivering newspapers or something.

Stoich91 said...

*insert emphatic whinning, likened to that of a two year old, here* "No, no! Cake Wrecks! You have it *all wrong*! The first picture is a melting clown aboard an over-fed centipede, the middle one is blueberry topped with, *yes*, bacon strips -adorable and marketable, huh?!-, and the last is a hoplessly distorted styrofoam cup surrounded by molding hard boiled egg yokes that could've used refrigeration...like...decades ago." So see? It's all about perspective!!! :) Three cheers for cakes are so gross the decorative interpretations are endless; forget about wondering about the *actual cake* inside. Yeah. Good stuff. Hee hee.

Anonymous said...

Uhm... bzuh?

RE the last one, I thought at first it was supposed to be a bunch of tennis balls, but even if they were, that doesn't explain the random styrofoam cup...

Angie said...

I really don't know wth that last one is supposed to be, but I'm guessing the mold is unintentional. Or maybe I'm hoping. One or the other.

And I, too, first thought the Trident on the cupcakes was bacon. Flashed back to the scene in Better Off Dead where the mother boiled the bacon...

Anonymous said...

You lot are just cracking me up, as usual - but please, from someone outside of the USA who's just dying to know - what are 'peeps'?

DJ said...

OMG, has that clown been disemboweled?

deemack said...

The last one looked like someone had accidentally spilled a cup full of half melted "peeps!"

And, I'm just not convinced that the poop dog isn't really a George Lucas creation...

Vanessa said...

Here is a link to a great photo using Peeps as pop art:

http://madsilence.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/david-ottogallli-turns-peeps-into-pop-art.jpg

Essentially, Peeps are marshmallow blobs formed into chick shapes (or bunnies) then dusted with fine colored sugar in various colors. Google "Peeps" and look at some of the images. Jen even did a Peep wedding cake some time back. They are a solid hit of Easter time sugar for little kids.

Sméagalina said...

For Anonymous not in the US: Peeps are brightly colored, usually pink or yellow, sugar coated marshmallows shaped like baby chickens (the baby chickens are called peeps). Rabbits or bunnies are also available... these are seasonal items for Easter. I think they are digusting, but not any worse than that cake.
At first look, after I gagged, I thought it was a soda cup with popcorn..BUT WHY????? would there be a cake decorated like THAT?

These cakes are beyond bizarre!

Anonymous said...

I'm with Michelle P. I was sure it was blueberry frosting with either bacon or mini roasted hot dogs...

So getting fussy here, but FINISH is facing the wrong dang way! C'mon people! Reality check!!
aquasaline

Anonymous said...

Baby Mowhawk Carrot Jockeys are soooooooo yesterday. They have passed the torch to the Drunken Clowns on a Poo Pile.............nah, still like the Mohwawk Babies...........

sendingtheclowns said...

Ahhh... "What are Peeps?" someone queried...
ANSWER: What AREN'T Peeps? They are impossible to explain..they are ethereal beings from Indestructibleland...enduring,everlasting..incorruptible...
The thing fairy tales are woven from...but we can't tell you; you simply MUST procure some, at any cost, and experience them for yourself. ((SIGH))
Now, to the Anon who made a reference to men's figure skating: I find some of the costumes simply heavenly--my favorite skater is Johnny Weir. He is SO AWESOME!!! Totally HIMSELF. Beautiful!
Finally-- mystery solved, guys: the foam cup was not *supposed* to be there!
I KNOW, because when I walked by that cake in the store, I had just finished drinking the soda, and couldn't find a trash recepticle handy...
("Ahhhhh, so THAT was it!" you all exclaim.)
>^u.u^<

Diana said...

I get headaches while reading this blog from laughing so hard, while trying to silence my laughter, so that my husband doesn't think I have lost my mind! The commentary is priceless. You are BRILLIANT!

mrs ellenoy said...

Yeah, I thought someone was feeding soda to a bunch of thirsty peeps.

I think that would have been a better cake anyway, with little peep beaks open, clamoring thirstily for (probably) generic soda....

Jules said...

Look at the first one. Was that joker? lolz ;D

Jules
Soloden.Com
The Brown Mestizo

Jennifer said...

When I think blueberries and gum, I think Willy Wonka. "You're turning Violet, Violet!"

But I digress. I cannot think of any circumstance where I wish I had a cupcake with blueberry icing...much less topped with gum!

Anonymous said...

Holy cake wrecks, Batman... so glad that I don't have to sift through your e-mail, you guys...

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! Hey, let's drop acid and make some cakes!

I love the comments in here today, but I have to suggest that if one were to drop acid, look at any of these cakes, and then do anything related to Alice in Wonderland, one might never be able to find the way home again. :D

Sexy Sadie said...

A creepy clown riding poop?

Yota Armai said...

Somebody somewhere just lost a bet. I'm pretty sure the bet was "I can make a cake more inexplicable than you can." As such, the winner is now laughing hysterically while posting a video of the loser doing something very unbaker-like such as actually eating the poo dog clown combo. (or the blueberry trident cupcakes) I'm pretty sure the soda one is radioactive.

At least I hope these are the result of a really bad bet compounded with large quantities of alochol, (or whatever).

Marie said...

Now instead of just a fear of clowns thanks to Stephen King.. I fear clowns riding poop dogs and any bakery that can possibly think I would want to eat that..

MykeLWulf said...

Is is sad that all I can focus on is the fact that those very bizarre cupcakes are sold by the pound?
Was the wreckerator trying to make them weigh more by adding the gum on top?

Jenn said...

My husband took one look at the clown-riding-poo-dog, started belting out "Ride of the Vakyries" (kill da wabbit!!) and said, "I'm not kidding - it's the clown of the apocalypse!"

How can I argue with that?

Anonymous said...

They do random drug testing at my bakery/place of employment. Probably to prevent this kind of thing.

Damn.

Somehow getting really stoned around all that icing sounds really fun!

Anonymous said...

And what exactly is the giant poo dog riding clown torso "finishing"?

Laurenonymous said...

As a cake-whore who is currently trying not to eat sweets...these cakes make it very easy :)

Nicole (Niki) Reagan said...

I really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, don't get that "soda" cake. I have nothing else to say. I'm baffled.

peewee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH!!!!. That clown, racing the dog(?)bunny (?) hairy monster (??) I can't stop laughing.

Megan said...

I'm gonna go ahead and say this is the most WTF worthy post in CW history. Ho.ly. crap.

Lela said...

I am not a fan of clowns to begin with...so clown wrecks certainly don't help with that! :)

Mira said...

I...I have no words. Except those. Thank you for making my day just a little more surreal.

cookie_monster said...

FYI, Trident does in fact have a blueberry flavored gum (Wild Blueberry Twist) which I'm thinking is what is on the cupcakes. That said, it still is not an excuse to put gum on a cupcake. Eww. Bacon would almost be better.

I also am wondering what the poo-hound clown duo is racing or running from. Maybe attack of the moldy popcorn/soda poo platter?

Katy said...

These are disturbing... and that last one almost looks photoshopped it is so mind-blowing.

Anonymous said...

A clown riding a poo-dle!

Anonymous said...

I like how they labeled the cup, but evidently that isn't what needed to be labeled. They shoulda labeled the yellow junk.

Cupcakes Lady said...

A clown riding a Dog. Why o why? Crazy stuff. What were you smoking? lol xx

Bobbijean said...

My four year old and I have been looking at all the "professional" cakes here and he's coming up with some great ideas about these cakes. The clown riding the giant dog across the finish line is for "'Clown Day' celebrated only by people in the circus, because that's the only place you can see a dog that big"