Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Holy Smokes!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I should probably filter what I say here, but when I'm craving some delicious cake, nothing matches the taste of an ashtray full of cigarette butts:

Mmmm.

Say, if the decorator got rid of just one of those smokes, would the cake then be a cigarette lighter? {{groan}}

Can't bear the thought of chomping on butts? Then why not chew on this mouth-watering tobacco can instead?


Or if that bear is too ferocious for ya, we can always replace it with a cute little donkey:

(See, the bear's head is the donkey ears, and the front leg is his head. See it? He's just reaching down to enjoy some delicious wintergreen grass. Eh? Right? Who's with me, here?)

Moving on...

Look, guys, just because her name is Ashley doesn't mean this is necessary:

(Maybe it was a gift from her friends CHARlie, TARa, and PIPEr.)

Plus, why a cigarette cake when Ashley has never even had a cigarette before?
At least I'm guessing she hasn't, since that would have been illegal. And no one smokes before they're legally permitted to - right, Ashley? Right?


Making Turkish cigarette cakes must be a real drag:

Loosely translated, "Sigara icmek omru azaltir" means, "Quitting cigarette-themed display cakes greatly reduces loss of customers."


Daniella T., Renee G., Julie M., Courtney M., & Mark B., you guys are a breath of fresh air.

- Related wreckage: Proper Grooming


NOTE FROM JEN: Who is Number1? She's my new Jen-clone. Yep. She's just like me, only smarter, cuter, and gosh darn it, a wee bit funnier. I've strong-armed her into doing a few guest posts from time to time, so y'all be nice to "the new Jen" while she gets her feet wet around here. (After that, though, she's fair game. Mwahahahah!)
Taylor@MyOlderBrothers said...

I was gonna say something clever, but you used every imaginable pun having to do with smoking!

Jenn said...

heh, Jen:

WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR?????

-Jenn

Jenniffer said...

OK, on the ASHley cake, what's the cigarette on? It looks like an Eggo waffle? Gosh darn it, that's just a good waste of waffles right there!

-Jenniffer
http://cupadeecakes.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

OH MY FREAKING GAWD!! As if these cake wrecks couldn't get any worse, THEY DID!!!!!!!! They officially reached an ALL TIME LOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sharon said...

Way to go, Number 1! And, Jen, you've trained her well - she did you proud. The puns (oh, so punny!) and yes, I see the donkey, and groans... it's a second Jen! Yey!!!! Who'd have thought the world would be so lucky?!!!

Auntie Meme said...

Perhaps it's just me, but I'm generally anti black fondant for any cake. But especially the butt-ugly ones.

duffylou said...

These are just... gross. Yes, I am an adult using the adjective gross to explain cakes. Especially that first one.
Can you really picture someone saying, "ok, who wants ashes and who wants butts"?
Blech.

Gary said...

I don't know if these cakes would help someone stop smoking, but the sight of them would definitely help me stop eating cake.

The first "Grizzly" one is well-done, if you can get past the revulsion at a chewing-tobacco cake. The Grizzly Donkey is just sad.

My sister-in-law's name is Ashley. If she's very, very bad sometime, I might make her a Butt Cake like that one.

WriteCards said...

I'm sorry, but these just need to disappear into a cloud of smoke. Bleh. You should want to EAT cake, not matter how much of a wreck it is, but these just make me want to puke.

Gag.

WV: fries. Would you like fries with these cakes? No, thanks . . . I'll skip the cakes and just have the fries!

Anonymous said...

These are all so beautifully crafted, especially the first one! Not sure I'd want a slice, though

Trevor said...

OKay, while I don't smoke, dip, or do anything else, I'll have to say that cake #2 is actually really well done and doesn't gross me out.

Cake #1 is also well done. However, it DOES gross me out. Same goes for the last cake as well.

And lastly, poor ASHley? Yeah, um, talk about questionable taste. "You're an adult now, and we're going to celebrate being able to legally smoke!" Ugh.

Tigerwolf said...

CAKE WRECKS FANS WARNING: Viewing the ill-conceived expressions of cigarette smoking and chaw in cake form may lead to inappropriate feelings of nausea, queasiness, a sickly green pallor on one’s face, and the possible avoidance of eating cake ever again.

^..^

WV: feraist. "I feraist can't eat any of that lovely cigarette butt cake, or I'll be ill."

P.S. Jen enters Cake Wrecks Top Secret Wreckerator Room and looks for Number 1. "Kato? Kaaaaaato?"

Abby Normal said...

You can bet your sweet ash I won’t be having a slice of any of those.

homeschoolmommy said...

Other than being smoking cakes, those cakes are really well done.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

That ashtray cake looks like it could kill you faster than cigarettes ever could...

Bek said...

Wow. These are by far the most disgusting cakes I've ever seen. Who would want to have the thought of tar, smoke and ash in your head while enjoying cake?

I'm thinking a lot of people around here would... we're a tobacco state.

Gross.

Jon and Becky said...

Are these really wrecks? I mean, isn't the grossness of the ash tray (which really done well) the ironic coolness of the cake? Just sayin'.

dextrouslefty said...

"You don't always die from tobacco/Sometimes, you just lose our lunch..."

Jennifer said...

Ummmm... ewww!

Anonymous said...

Welcome Number1! I have a feeling that you will make it so.

Shelley in So. Illinois

Brat said...

I saw the donkey! I saw the donkey!

Zabinatrix said...

Well, it's not necessarily illegal for Ashley to have smoked before, depending on where she lives.

From the text we can assume that it is an English-speaking country, and in the UK it is still not illegal to buy or smoke cigarettes if you're under 18. It is only illegal for resellers to sell cigarettes to minors.

Absolutely an unimportant nitpick, I just thought it was an interesting legal distinction.

Lauren Borquez said...

Ewwwww these are really discusting! I LOVE the ASHley comment...yuck!

airforcebride said...

Now that is just gross.

The Black Dog said...

Just one word....

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!

Anonymous said...

Great first post, New!Jen (and by 'great', I mean 'ewww', which in a wrecker's world means 'awesome'). The puns were right up there with Actual!Jen's. :D

Per the wreckage... I can count on one hand the number of wrecks I've seen here that have really made me think "there is no way I could possibly eat that" (I don't have a particularly strong stomach, but darn it, even weird- or gross-looking cake is cake!)... but that first one certainly makes the list. Augh!!!

Anonymous said...

I think that the first cake made the list of top 5 cakes that disgusted me the most from this blog.

"Who does Number 1 work for?" Good job, Jen-clone!

Amy

Jaime said...

Hey, you guys just got a shoutout from Busy Phillips on the Bonnie Hunt show!

Emma9405 said...

I would never be able to eat that first one. I would taste nothing but old nasty cigarette. Ugh...it's making me sick just thinking about it! Gross!! And who in their right minds thinks it's ok to get a cigarette cake for an 18-year-old?!?!

~Erin

Erin said...

You are the pun queen! I heart you so much right now!

<3 Erin

thriftmadness.blogspot.com

VeggieT said...

The donkey was the best part of those cakes!

KrysTros said...

Those cakes are not appealing whatsoever! It doesn't matter how good it would taste, it just looks disgusting.

crownring said...

No butts about it, these cakes are in bad taste! I personally think whomever ordered these (well executed, but cough-inducing confections) really made ashes of themselves.

Fluffy Cow said...

Cool, a Jen clone. Well done on the puns! No Butts about it!

cb said...

@Zabinatrix-- That was interesting, actually, because it's the kind of thing you usually only learn by hanging out in another country for a while. That said, I am not a teenager, and I'm not planning to start smoking. But still...

CC said...

"Hey, what's this weird filling in this chewing tobacco cake? Kinda brown, but minty? Lot of fiber. Is it some kind of garden mulch?"

Cher' Shots said...

OMG The Black Dog took the words right off my keyboard.
WHY? WHY? WHY?

Anonymous said...

Do you think these were smoke flavored on the inside? Maybe with a chewing tobacco filling. Mmmmm!

Jeremy said...

I smell an intern scandal.

Anonymous said...

How appropriate that Ashley's cake is labeled Class A-- the distinction of the most dangerous drugs in the UK. From the size of it, I'd say that's *more* than a cigarette...

Shanna said...

Just some random knowledge for you...I speak Turkish, and the writing on the wreck-y cigarette box says "Smoking shortens your life". Way to make people not wanna smoke-with a horrifying cake!

Flartus said...

This was a beautiful collection of wreckiness & punniness. Yes, this is why I come here each morning.

Thanks, Jen and Jen #1, for making the ridiculous into the hilarious.

(That being said, I really think the first couple are pretty awesome in their details. Their disgusting, blecky details.)

The Boob Nazi said...

Um, I don't even get why anyone would want a cake with matches on it. Sick.

Anonymous said...

so. unappetizing. How much do you have to love smoking to have it celbrated in cake?? disgusting! I can taste the ash now just looking at that first one. And why does chewing tobacco come in a wintergreen flavor? is this to help mask the nasty tobacco breath? what's next, tobacco stained teeth? a tar filled lunged?

G-ross!

wv: bodie. These nasty tobacco habits do not bodie well for the health of your bodie. (two uses!)

Mella said...

I'm a non smoker and really passionate about it . This is just disgusting

Anonymous said...

huh, another type of butt cake. This time, minus the exploring proctologist....

andygirl said...

ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod tell me those are not real cakes? tell me! I've been reading for a while and I never, ever thought I'd see cigarette cakes. YUM!

Kara said...

Ok, these wrecks really remind me of a cake made by a coworker about a decade ago. It was a beautiful cake that had nothing to do with smoking or cigarettes or tobacco of any kind, except that my coworker was a chain-smoker.

The beautiful cake she made TASTED like smoke. Poor beautiful cake suffered just because it was crafted in a smoker's home.

What a tragic waste of cake.

vojerleda said...

The first cake brought me back to the nastiest taste I'd ever had- my mother used mostly empty coke cans for ash trays in the car. I got in the car after school one day, and went to reach for a cold, frosty....eugh. Ash 'n' butt soda.
I agree that black or nearly-black fondant is cake fail.

Anonymous said...

i don't condone smoking but in the US it is legal at any age to smoke you just can't but cigarettes before 18

Albatross said...

Ewww! Holy SMOKES, those cakes are disgusting!

Suzanne Dargie said...

I think most people have already summed up my feelings toward these cakes.
One word....WHY?

Candee said...

There has been so many times I have said that cake is so pretty I couldn't eat it - or that cake is so mis-formed/deformed I couldn't eat it. Well these are just soooo disgusting that I definitely could not/would not eat them!

Amanda Mac said...

I'm baffled... except for the, er, donkey - they are really well done!

But who in the world would want to be that tacky? Hmmm... perhaps the next thing we'll see are trailer trash cakes?

mzmclean said...

that turned my stomach like you can't imagine. Give me birthing cakes ANY day! lol

Steve the Pocket said...

I sort of see the donkey, but it looks more like an aardvark to me.

Anonymous said...

I have to wonder if they flavored these cakes with liquid smoke, to make them all the more "authentic."

"Mmmm! You can really taste the char!"

-Curt

Liane said...

You know... While the idea behind these cakes is extremely unappetizing, at least most of them ARE well done!

Anonymous said...

First I thought those butts on cake #1 were real. Then I clicked to enlarge and saw that they were fondant. Then I realized it didn't even matter if they were real or not-- eating that cake would be impossible either way.

I am one who can overlook a multitude of sins if they have icing on top. But not this. I could not bring a bite of cake to my mouth if it made me think of (retch) cigarettes.

Liz in Seattle

VW: turpi. Definition: the sound I made when trying not to vomit in my mouth while viewing tobacco cakes

Liane said...

I guess in all objectivity most of those cakes are skillfully executed and look realistic, but why are they making cakes of cigarettes and chewing tobacco? Gross!

Anonymous said...

By the way, I think you should change Jen #1's name to Jen Prime (or Jen'). Not only is it cooler and nerdier, but also more Star Trekkian.

Liz in Seattle (again)

mike. said...

To be fair, subject matter aside these cakes are all very well done, in my opinion. (maybe not #3)

John and Sarah Sperry said...

This post brings the ick-factor into a whole different dimension.

Anonymous said...

It's not illegal to smoke before age 18, it's just illegal to buy tobacco products. Big difference. Smoking is gross btw.

Laura P. said...

hiliarious first post Number 1! welcome to cakewrecks. gosh, those are some nasty cakes! if you've never smoked before, can you still say that you haven't if you eat one of these cakes?

Anne said...

Most of these wrecks are wrecks in concept, not execution. The only cake that is also badly executed is #3. #1 appears to be well made, but it looks way too much like an ashtray for me to ever want to eat it. The wreckerators who made these, except for #3, did a good job fulfilling some wacky customer orders. If only they could have persuaded the customer to let them make something else.

Mary Connealy said...

Wow, Jenn, you are SMOKIN'

(okay, I had to say that. Sorry, move along. Nothing to see here folks)

Mindy said...

I have never wanted to run away from a cake, like NEVER, but these cakes make me want to take a "cake break". They are so gross. I can look past the well done this, or that. You should never look at a cake and not want some of it, that should be illegal!

Just Me,Pilgrim said...

*groan*
Those were REALLY bad puns.
And cigarette cakes? Seriously? I think these are the worst cakes I have EVER seen. Ew.

Anna said...

Oh no #1 is by far the worst cake I've EVER seen, and we've had some doozies here on CW. All my mind was doing when that image seared itself into my brain was scream why, WHY, WHYYYY???

I was feeling nauseous coming here today. This hasn't really helped :)

Nikki said...

So much sugar, flour, vanilla, and talent to produce such....ewwwwwwwwww cakes. A shame. Such a waste.

WV: uncyte: Can I uncyte these? I want to eat my lunch without puking.

lisadh said...

Nice job, Number 1!

I agree with the others in that these are well executed, but just too gross to think about eating. Blech!

Ask the Cool Cookie said...

I almost tossed my cookies when I saw that ashtray cake. There's a wide line between laughable and disgusting. This cake is disgusting - even writing about them is making me queasy..

The Kid In The Front Row said...

Found your blog through the bloggies nominations, great blog - very fun :) Makes me hungry though.

rascalmom said...

OH, oh, oh....those are just the sickest cakes I've ever seen, especially the first and the Turkish ones. I don't even think I could taste them blindfolded. I just ordered my lunch but I think my appetite might be taking a quick holiday....

Malisa Twelves said...

um.... pardon me whilst i empty the contents of my stomach... Ugh, I think I will be taking a break from food for the rest of the day... GROSS!

Anonymous said...

Why is ASHley's cigarette in the ashtray upside down? See, the lipstick end is in the ashtray, and the smoked end is sticking out. Having a fail on a cake that is that wrecky already is just redundant.

-Kathy

Shelley said...

I haven't seen a comment yet on the disproportionate size of Ashley's cigarette. Looks more like a roll-your-own joint. Not that I would know about that, of course.

I must respecfully disagree regarding the relative grossness of cigarette cakes versus pregnant torsos and creepy babies. I would definitely eat cake #1 before I'd eat anything that resembled human anatomy!

Sarah Schwerin said...

OMG I just vomited in my mouth a little. Those are truly the most disgusting cakes I have ever seen.

*hurl*

Stacey Jewell Stahl said...

That first cake was so realistically done that it doesn't seem like it should be called a wreck. HOWEVER, it's so disgusting that it's the most wrecktastic disturbing cake posted here. I don't think I could eat one bite of that. Yuck-O.

Aaron said...

I think they were quite well made, and a crazy person I have to say the ability to make cake unappetizing while still appearing well-made is quite a challenge indeed.

Jaye said...

And here I was hoping for some good Groundhog Day cakes! Total disappointment! :)

Anonymous said...

actually I though that all the cakes with the exception of the donkey and the squashed cigarette of ASHley were avery nicely executed.

If you want to write "WHY?" to a cake I would have to go with the archived (please don't ask me where) cake featuring the naked woman in white chocolate seductively draped over a cake with bondage dark chocolate girls decorating the sides. That to me was a much more disgusting and unappetizing.

non smoker by the way but i believe in freedom to smoke.

Anonymous said...

As someone else mentioned, the Turkish one says "smoking shortens life" or "to smoke is to shorten life" so I guess it is some kind of anti-smoking cake? Maybe you are supposed to buy it for a chain smoking relative.

Stephanie said...

*groan* Oh, the puns! The puns! *chuckles* Nice work there. ;)

As for the cakes themselves, I can only ask, "WHY???"

ashleyalvina said...

Number1: your "cigarette lighter" joke wins all the prizes.

Welcome :)

a.

Anonymous said...

"From the size of it, I'd say that's *more* than just a cigarette..."


Yeah, no kidding! [nudge, nudge. Know what I mean, know what I mean...]

jiminycricket said...

Here I was all geared up for a pee-stick cake to ruin my appetite today, but these are doing nicely as well.

Anonymous said...

Haha! After Ash and her buddies Char, Tar, and Pipe are done doing what they do, I guess the munchies will kick in and be what prompts them to actually eat that cake.

Sayre said...

Um... Ashley's cigarette looks more like a doobie. Just sayin'.

P.S. Word verification is "torment"

E.M. Green said...

As long as "Number One" doesn't get demoted to a nurse any time soon, I'm a-okay with the clone.

Unless Jen had to die by exploding tumor in order for us to meet the clone...years later.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry - I see the donkey too. :)

Trish

Karen Valinda said...

Totally a donkey! I could see it far easier than trying to make it into a cousin of the bear on the cake above (before) it ;-Þ

Fanboy Wife said...

Oh, so gross! So, so gross!

Eve said...

That first cake - and quite possibly the last one as well - would be perfect for someone who's quitting or has recently quit smoking.

"See? See how gross this is? This is not you anymore! Go you!"

WV: unconeri. That first cake looks unconeri realistic!

Julia said...

Don't worry Number/Jen. I see the donkey. Remind me again why people smoke? You had wrecks to make people go on diets, now to quit smoking!

Anonymous said...

Baker: Tell me little something about your girlfriend so I can personalize her cake.

Boyfriend: Well, she's smokin'.....

Anonymous said...

Cake Wrecks was mentioned on The Bonnie Hunt Show today!!! Apparently Busy Phillips is a fan!! Congrats!

That Mama said...

Today I'm celebrating 4 years being smoke free. These cakes made me remember why I'm a non-smoker now. :) :)

Amelia said...

I am looking at your first picture of the ashtray and thinking "yuck"! It looks so real! I think I smell stale smoke....

Mercurial Magpie said...

The Turkish cake so reminded me of when I lived in Istanbul and the warnings on the cigarette boxes just made me laugh because they are sooo blatant. My favorite one translated simply as "Cigarettes KILL YOU."

lois said...

Just a word of advice to the new Jen. Don't use italics. It makes it seem like you think we are too stupid to get it.

ShinyGreenApple said...

Eurgh! I can't get over how incredibly tacky these all are, no matter how well-done they may be. Yuck! I know that first one is really frosting and such, but I have no desire to eat it!

Michelle said...

I nearly lost my appetite for the cake I made for my LOST premier party tonight.... bllleeehhh!!

Cassy said...

I gagged. Then I though of stale cigarette smell and gagged harder. Who the heck though those were good ideas.

Rachel said...

I would totally eat the pregnant cakes before I could choke down an ashtray cake. And I adore cake. I could eat it all the time. But not these.

I agree with those who stand amazed at the excellent execution and total revoltingness of the subject matter.

The Tieman Family said...

Great job #1-- I'm always a little sad when I see cakes like this... most of them are done well, they are just horrible ideas. What a waste of talent

Sexy Sadie said...

Eeeeeeewwwwwww!

PhotoGrace said...

My husband, upon seeing the ashtray wreck ... "EWWWW. Who's gonna eat THAT?" I have to agree, yick. Even if you're a die hard smoker, I couldn't get past the mind-tastebud connection that tells me "I know it isn't REALLY ash, but I taste ash."

WV: Slowbet - It's one hell of a slowbet that I'll touch that ashtray cake with a 10 foot pole.

Marcie said...

The post was great, as usual, but I *really* could have used a disclaimer. . . something like, do not read while eating breakfast. . . ugh.
-Sarah

Jellycar said...

Hmm, reminds me of those delicious cat box cakes. "Yummy".

But I have to say, #2 is very well made and doesn't seem that gross to me. But the rest? Ugh...

Tiffany said...

I think I found my new diet plan....

Thanks for the cakes! Love you guys!

Dznyjenn said...

This was the first time on this site that I ever felt compelled to shield the computer screen from my 6 year old daughter. DISGUSTING. Sometimes, no matter how well executed or crafted, a wreck is a wreck, because it just shouldn't exist. Bleh!

watsonrodrig said...

Coming across this post got to reaming me of our college days...when we use to do all such activities...just to relieve our minds form all the stress and depression of the studies.
luxury bali villa

Anonymous said...

"Greatly reduces loss of customers"
Fuuuunnnnnneeeeeeee.
Although, I have no idea why I find that delightful.

Elisabeth Marie said...

I can't even imagine eating those...

Anonymous said...

"Just a word of advice to the new Jen. Don't use italics. It makes it seem like you think we are too stupid to get it."

Perhaps YOU haven't NOTICED how people write emphasis on certain words in HUMOR BLOGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO YOU??

Sometimes the wise man is the biggest fool of all.

Sarah said...

Hey, I smoke and all, but I'm not asking for a cigarette-themed birthday cake. That's just...weird.

Anonymous said...

I've been an addict to this site for months now, but I have to say, these tobacco cakes are actually the first cakes I seriously would never eat. They are DISGUSTING, especially that first one. EWEWWWWWWWWWWW. I just lost my appetite for the rest of my life.

I'd rather eat the cake with the pregnancy stick on it.

-Sue, Canada

Kevin said...

What else could say, "We want to celebrate the day of your birth by reminding you of your cancer-inducing addiction"!

Anonymous said...

Um.. Jen, about the comment you said about the Ashly cake.
In some states it is legal for someone under the age of 18 to smoke cigarette, but not buy them. Buying cigarettes under the age of 18 is illegal.

LarkyLee said...

Actually some places you only have to be seventeen to legally smoke, but eighteen to buy the smokes. It's a cruel work isn't it? lol, I'm not a smoker and don't think I could even eat that butt cake at the beginning! All I would taste in my mouth would be ash...

Kelsey said...

Wow, that 18th birthday cake looks like it could have been my friend's birthday cake. Her name is also Ashley and she used to smoke a lot.

Bree said...

This proves you can get secondhand gagging by looking at these cakes.

The foot fungus and the bedbugs don't seem so unappetizing anymore...

ksaldria said...

Tobacco and cake are two things that should never, ever go together. Blech!

lyndsay said...

PURE INSANITY!! can't even believe it. the ashtray is craziness!

Adele said...

BTW - legal age to buy smokes in England (where I live) is 16! Which funny to me, because the DRIVING age is 17!

Kathy said...

I don't know if I can agree with these being cake wrecks...well, the second Grizzly one, maybe. But these seem to reflect the poor taste of whoever commissoned them, since almost all of these are really, really well done. Particularly the first Grizzly cake. So, come on, cut the decorators a break...unless, of course, this was featured in the bakery's design book as an option.

Becky said...

Now that you mention it, black icing does kind of taste like that :)

Lyn said...

ew
cigarette cakes...
Cakes and cigarettes do not go together at all. No no no.

jess. said...

Alright, the birthday cake dedicated to Ashley is not quite what you think...

The "cigarette" sitting in the ash tray is a joint and the pack of menthols are there also to show that this is, in fact, a cake for a pot smoker. A lot of pot smokers smoke menthols because it's "cooling" on your throat because pot is so harsh.

Yep.

Jen of SJ said...

Any of these tobacco flavored? THAT would make anyone quit!!! -Trying to get the man in my life to quit - 5 months left until our son arrives!!