Friday, September 4, 2009

I Think I'll Have the Salad Today...

Friday, September 4, 2009

Since the book tour is only three weeks away, John has started a new diet. I was going to join him, but then I had the following revelations:

1) At its core, humor is about being honest.
2) You guys probably expect me to be both funny and honest in person.
3) Losing weight would make me someone I'm not (ie a person who loses weight), and therefore is intrinsically DIShonest.
4) Oooh, cupcakes!

Anyhoo, so while I'm not on a diet myself, I still want to support John any way I can. Some people might try cooking him a healthy meal, or inviting him for walks. Me? I find gross cakes to help kill his appetite.

Ta Da!

I bet you're feeling thinner already, aren't you? And if not, you may find this next one "erupting" with diet inspiration:

Mmm. That's the stuff.

John's diet requires him to cut down on carbs, so I know he's going to love Barbie's meat blanket here:


Now, I realize this may have ruined pepperoni and moldy raw roast beef for most of you, but trust me: You'll thank me later.

And speaking of low-carb diets, I hear you also see a lot of these when you're on them:

Or is that only if you cheat and eat a bunch of raisins? Hm...

What's that? You want one last word of diet inspiration? Okey doke. Here goes:

[swinging pocket watch] "You are feeling sleepy. Veerrry sleepy. Now, you will never crave skinned leopard - or cake - ever agaiiin."


Madison C. & Chris V., Emily H., Meredith, Stephanie M., and Anony M., maybe there IS something to this Cake Wrecks diet plan. I totally passed up a cupcake for a candy bar just now.

- Related Wreckage: Better Dieting Through Cake
Anonymous said...

The grill/burger cccake isn't really the worst thing ever...

Carlie said...

That last cake wouldn't have been that bad if it didnt have the whole antennae sticking out of the top tear thing going on. Also maybe if it were slightly less shiny and metallic looking.

Diana said...

How exactly is losing weight Dishonest? I lost 70 lbs, kept it off, and don't feel like I lied to anyone. Lying ABOUT your weight, now that is dishonest!

Wow, the concept of "love eruptions" opens up a whole new realm of cake decorating.

Sara Otterstätter said...

Okay, I have seen worse things on the blog, but these things do really not look like they are edible.

The Barbie-cake was especially awful. Old plastic toys and food simply doesnt match!!

Melanie said...

I was recently introduced to your site which has resulted in becoming an avid fan. In turn, it has rekindled my cravings for cake (thanks). Body for Life is a fantastic "diet" plan if you want to lose weight but still have your cake and eat it, too. You get a "free" day to eat whatever you want. Best of luck to John!

DebbaSue said...

What on earth did they cover the 'sleepy' cake with. It looks like that fruit 'leather' stuff that little kids like to eat.

How about pulling out a cap while we're at it.

Karen Valinda said...

I am totally clueless WHAT Jay's "cake???" is supposed to be... any ideas?
I think the glimpses of netting (slip, skirt)peeking from under her covers was the worst part. How do you eat around, through? netting?
I am glad my dad doesn't know how to access blogs, Cake Wrecks would be the end of him... he made amazing cakes (1950-2000)and his Barbie cakes (think 60's) were to die for. In his day he made Wilton cakes look chunky and plain...

Liz said...

Are those paperclips hanging from the last cake?

Half Assed Kitchen said...

What else is erupting? Blech.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

DNfromMN said...

Ugh, all that black frosting on that grill CCC just turns my stomach.

Thanks, Jen. I missed breakfast this morning, but definitely not missing it now.

DNfromMN said...

I think Jay's cake is celebrating his mountain/rock climbing hobby? Between the flag on top and the blue frosting rope coming down.

frigglesnitz said...

Jay's cake reminds me of the Great Whole House Steam Cleaning Incident of 2008 (occured after my dog ate raw pork scraps out of the garbage.)

That's just nasty.

WV grapt- I don't thnk the wreckorators have grapt the concept that cakes should look nice.

Swss said...

I'm still a little confused as to what all is going on with the first picture...I get that there's a grill...and a spatula on the left...what is on the right? A pot of molten lava?

Brittanie said...

How can people even consider eating any of those? Yikes.

Shannon said...

Bless Jay's heart. That cake was for his *9th* birthday? Children shouldn't have to endure that type of torture. Looks like he's doomed to a lifetime of bad cakes and CCC's.

peewee said...

Am speechless. That bbq ccc was about the worst cake ever! FOr real. I don't know if it's the "burnt" frosting, or that black charcoal log WITH the long poop log on top, that makes me gag.

Or wait, maybe it's that raw steak on the right.

Suburban Princess said...

OMG is that sposed to be a BBQ?

Lucille Ball Jr. said...

haha tee he he!

b*sherrie said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

p.s. I greatly despise the word 'erupt'. It kinda makes my eye twitch.

リン姫 said...

What IS that first one. It's disgusting...

and the Barbie cake, the blanket totally looks like some old salami to me.

Father Swanky said...

That first one is supposed to be a grill? I thought it was a pile of barrels with street signs on them, next to a shovel and a disemboweled rat.

You need to give us some context on these!

Amanda in Austin said...

Two questions: what THE HELL is that first cake? i can't even make a guess.

WHAT THE HELL are those things dangling off the top of the leopard print cake?

Krys said...

Holy crap, I'm so getting MYSELF a meat blanket! What could be better than sleeping under the gorgeous aroma of old salami??

Tanya said...

I can't even figure out what the first one is, my eyes won't focuse on it properly.

Galadriel said...

You know, I often get to craving foods I see repeatedly. But for some reason, despite reading Cakewrecks religiously, I somehow never crave cake...

Anonymous said...

I'm not entirely sure what that first cake represents, but as an avid videogamer, I'm pretty confident the thing in its lower right corner is an Oblivion Gate.

Lizzy Leigh said...

What the *heck* is that first one supposed to be?!

Kate said...

Jen, we love you just the way you are. Keep on rockin' with your bad self. Good luck on the tour!

Anonymous said...

Amazing! The grocery store I work at sells a similar cupcake cake to the grill one, but our's actually looks appetizing and cute. This...this looks kind of sloppy.

Elizabeth said...

Poor Jay, not only was his cake just plain weird, but it came with a girly tablecloth. Poor thing.

drgns4vr said...

I'm glad I read the viewer comments first. I thought the first cake was supposed to be a hockey player! But I couldn't quite make it come out right. Come to that, trying to make it into BBQ grill doesn't make it come out right either.
As far as the eruptions cake--that could go for anything from celebrating a climb up Mount Pele to acne. (I have never seen an a cake in celebration of acne, but I'm sure, human nature being what it is, there is one out there somewhere--perhaps as a groom's cake.)

antoinette jeanine said...

The last cake looks like it's comprised of the alien meat slabs from Torchwood, wrapped in leopard print. Yummy.

Anonymous said...

@anonymous

LOL
That first one is totally an Oblivion Gate!

~JD

Katie said...

The red thing on the right on the "grill" cake is supposed to be a ketchup bottle.

I kind of like the "Erupting with Love" one. It made me smile and feel warm fuzzies.

The leopard cake looks like it has fishing lures on the top.

Stacey said...

Is Barbie covered in Pimento loaf and sleeping on a pillow of sausage? Is this really a cake?

Leah said...

That grill picture is gross. You certainly made me loose my appetite!

Heather said...

I am SOOO headed to a Bed Bath & Beyond to shop for my own pepperoni bedspread. AWESOME!!

Siouxzr said...

The meat blanket on the Barbie cake is truly disturbing -- but her "pillow" is the color of a rotten strawberry and strangely pockmarked. I don't want to think about what it's made of....no cake for me no pepperoni either.

Squidley said...

Is the thing on the right on the first cake a ketchup bottle squirting all over the place? And what's written on the "cheese"?

wv: pritia
I don't think any of these cakes are pritia then the others - they're all fugly.

Snowcatcher said...

You never fail to make me laugh! Hope you enjoyed the candy bar!

Ophelia said...

It's BURGERS? At first glance I thought that the top cupcake monstrosity was a bad attempt at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then it looked like the...what I assume is *cheese* was placards saying "GO" on them, so maybe people in the bleachers? Burgers, I never would have thought.

WV: concoc

As in, who the heck thinks up these hideous concoctions, or thinks they're remotely appetising or edible??

LaurenH said...

I love that so people are commenting on "why does Barbie's blanket look like pepporoni/nasty meat/moldy fruit roll-ups/etc.

I'm still trying to get past "Who wanted a cake of Barbie in bed and what ever for?!??" myself :)

p.s. hmm...thanks, I may never eat again. Especially after Poo Mountain! :P

*Amber* said...

Seriously, going on a diet right before a book tour including free cake and lots of cupcakes would just be torture. Your body would probably rebel and the first cupcake you ate would have you gaining 5 lbs. ;)

Goof said...

:p Ok it took me a while to figure out the first one was grilled burger or something with a ketchup bottle on the right. And maybe a sauce brush on the left?

;) And thanks DNfromMN for explaining Jays mountain climbing pile of....cake.

Evalis said...

Actually, the erupting one isn't all that bad, design wise. Very poor choice on the colour of the mountain though.

PS - meat blanket is all well and good but if you really want diet inducing food, look up 'head cheese'. The wikipedia page has a very good (read- disgusting) picture for it.

jengersnap said...

Wow, is that like "Booty Call Barbie" with the come hither wave and sly smile? Yikes. Talk about a piece of meat lol

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

You've officially put me off everything that has passed its expiration date in my refrigerator.

ComfyDenim said...

*tilts head sideways*
Are those PAPER CLIPS????

Lynn said...

Ewww...non-edible cakes for sure.
The first one is just hideous, BBQ charcoal, a spatula and an oozing bottle of ketchup.

The last one isn't that bad except for the supposed "cake jewelry" The color and pattern really is icky too !

Jennifer B said...

I'm always dying to know if people actually eat these disasters!?

S3XinthePantry said...

Barbie with a meat blanket??!!

Yuck!!!

Just Me,Pilgrim said...

What the hell is that 1st cake supposed to be?

And why is "Jay" having a
1)pile of horse poop or
2)termite mound
for his....
birthday?

Erin said...

I had to comment on this one...all I can say is WTF!!!! I would not want to eat any of those cakes.

Jen said...

Skinned Leopard Cake is now my favorite thing ever.

And I think I picked up something resembling the mountain of poo when last walking my dog.

Julia said...

WTH is the first one?!?!? YIKES!

PS LOVE the site - keep it up!

Yota Armai said...

So that's what happened to the paperclip sculpture I built on my desk instead of working. It really wasn't a work of art, rather a futile expression of boredom. I don't know WHAT it is doing on top of a cake though...

Anonymous said...

So glad that people post as I never would have otherwise known what the first one was.

I think Barbie's under some mac 'n cheese luncheon loaf.

Can't wait to read the book! I don't know how you could possibly choose what to include & what to leave out!

Lorissa said...

Is Barbie waving hello or signaling a need for rescue as she slowly drowns beneath that meat blanket? "I can't swim!!"

I guess we know her diet secret now.

WV "phooff" What will happen to Barbie if she is left under the salami for 24 hours.

Maggiethecat said...

Thank you commenters who could ID that revolting first wreck as a barbecue... I would never have seen anything other than a ginormous mound of poop - first time also that I'm actually nauseated, something that none of the pooey wrecks featured here before had managed to achieve, ugh! Now, can somebody come up with an explanation for the droopy wire thingies dangling from the top of the flayed leo cake... I keep staring at it, and staring at it, and it's doing my head in.

Brooke said...

Is that a burger at the foot of Barbie's bed? She sure must be craving meat.

Bryna said...

That BBQ is even a poor excuse for a wrecked BBQ cake. How can you be even wreckier than a wreck?

The poop mountains... Yowzas.

And Barbie REALLY likes Mortadella. Like, a lot! Not sure what Mortadella looks like? Check this out:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zqFoq3qej2c/ShBWVhrTy9I/AAAAAAAAsHc/uQGC9CNSYkY/s400/mortadella.jpg

Michelle S. said...

Someone should see a doctor about that. It looks infected.

BuffyBoPeep said...

That Barbie one looks like something out of a horrer film! Maybe the blanket is trying ot eat her alive?

Melonie said...

Okay, honest to god I had to wait and read some of the comments first because I had no idea what the hell that first one was supposed to be. And I thought the yellow square thingys (cheez, i presume?) said Go Jets. I still don't know what the thing on the left is. Someone said spatula, but it looks more like a cigar/turd to me. And the stuff under the lines is supposed to be coals? Or are they burgers that fell through the grate? Clearly I'm having some major issues with this one. It's just too much for my brain to process on the Friday of a holiday weekend.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

What the heck was that brownish-green booger looking thing with the cheery "Happy birthday!" message? 0_o

And a Love Volcano? I've heard of a Love Hangover...huh, maybe you get the volcano after the hangover (BARRFF)

And hey! It a Gril(l)--we think! (at least the ketchup bottle was kind of cute)

I'm getting married in a little over a week, and I'm hoping that my taste for cake comes back before then! Heheheh.

Kathleen said...

Holy cow, I thought the first cake was a stack of dynamite. I can see the bottle of ketchup now, but the rest is beyond me.

Kaaren said...

Wow, skinned leopard with paperclips holding sparkly things. Nice!

Also, SADNESS AND DESPAIR! I just found out my daughter's Kindergarten open house is on the same night as the Orlando book signing!! Same Bat-time, same Bat-city. :(

wv: drati. "Drati! I already had my cupcake mini cake wreck planned out!"

Kathleen in Canada said...

What I want to know is what poor 9 year old Jay did to deserve a mouldy cake topped with dried guinea pig droppings???

*~*Lis*~* said...

I had no idea what that first one was until reading the other comments. I may never eat again!

Melinda said...

Jen, you have some hilarious readers. My new-ish puppy left a pile of Jay's cake on my living room floor this morning. Not appetizing at all.

WV crusei: These cakes will make John crusei right on past the bakery.

Ashley said...

Is the Barbie one even a cake? The meat blanket and cow tongue pillow have me gagging.

Pom said...

Barbie is most certainly cuddling up under a cozy slice of day old pickle loaf.

I think it's wonderful that you are so supportive of your husband's weight loss efforts and go through such labor to help kill his appetite - in fact I think you may have dropped a few pounds yourself from the work! Many wives would not do half as much!

Kelly said...

Even after I figured out that the first "cake" was cheesburgers on a grill on charcoals, with a spatula, I still saw raw, blood-dripping meat on the right. Who keeps ketchup on a grill?

The Erupting cake should have just gone with the cookies. Cakes should not coagulate.

What part of the Barbie cake is edible? I see moldy strawberry pillows, netting, and plastic covered with head cheese. It's bad when the salami/head cheese blanket is the most tasty-looking part of a cake!

I was so distracted by the backgraound I almost missed poor Jay's cake. Mountain-climbing is cool; poop-mountain climbing is just wrong. And why is it covered in snot?

I'm going to assume that the last cake was made as a threat to a misbehaving cat: look Kitty, sparklies! Now keep in mind, Kitty, that we could always use that beautiful fur of yours as trim if you don't stop scratching up my chairs!

WV: suffer. Really. Too easy!

lpieters said...

all i want to know is...what in THE HECK is the first thing?

Suz said...

Oh my. Jay's cake looks like something that came out of my dog. Seriously.


Oh, my gosh I feel nauseous.

bryn said...

perhaps i'm in the wrong frame of mind here, but look beyond the meat blanket (may take some careful selective seeing, or black-and-white screen) and look at what barbie is doing. is it just me, or is she gusset-typing under there?

Cake_or_Death said...

Still not seeing burgers or ketchup bottle on that first one. Why do the burgers have large, black slugs stretched across them? "Ketchup bottle" = piece of uncooked meat.

As for Jay's cake - first saw ginormous booger, then had flashback to giant pile of poo from "Weird Science." Anyone remember that?

And of course, wouldn't every little girl just love a "Meat Blanket Barbie," with all the accessories?

bodoba said...

So....a turd cake....yum.

Mira8 said...

Feel free to censor this because it has nothing to do with cake, but as a struggling dieter I wanted to share with John a site that gives me many a giggle when I need it: http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

- it's like, Dietwrecks.

Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

Good on you for not dieting.

Go read http://kateharding.net/ instead. It's better for you than losing weight.

Anonymous said...

lol as if i werent already nauseated
you want to curb your appetite come work with me..i got a bag full of maggots today!

Little Lovables said...

these are just truly odd

Adnoxious said...

"Erupting with love" looks more like "profusely bleeding with pain."

adnoxious.blogspot.com
Taking aim at lousy advertising

moonfall86 said...

What the heck is the first one supposed to be? I think I see a spatula, a bottle of ketchup, and a grill with post-it notes that say "Go Jets".

Amy said...

Okay, I was fine until I saw that cone shaped poo pile. Gag!

~Amy B

gamingkitty said...

In case you're interested, John's not the only one who uses your blog as a diet aid. A friend of mine spent many years developing a sweet tooth before developing diabetes, and he says seeing sugar abused the way it is here makes it easier to stay away from it.

(And count one more person who needed the comments to figure out the first one ;) .)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Jay's cake is supposed to be for a mountain climbing themed party. Personally, it looks like the puppy ate some blue tinsel again!
Stephanie M

Ted S. (Just a Cineast) said...

Am I the only one who wanted to use this synonym for "exclaim" to comment on the "Erupting" cake?

Vickie said...

What the heck is that first cake supposed to be? Last cake didn't look sooooooo bad! And finally . . . eat less, exercise more! I've started a walking program (minimum 30 minutes a day) five days a week (I sleep in on weekend!) and cut out *most* sweets. Seeing fantastic success so far! Nothing fancy, nothing expensive . . . just good old fashioned walking!

TheBunny said...

Well, it worked on me.

Typo Tat said...

Ack, Barbie's meat bed is definitely the most disgusting thing here. Wouldn't eat it for the world...

Good luck to John on his diet!

Stephanie said...

I find this highly amusing because since my dad (along with half the family) is currently on a diet and so decided to not have cake for his birthday. I think he wouldn't have wanted any anyway after seeing these!

Haiku Joy said...

Ahh, so romantic!
Puce glycerin eruptions
of . . . something . . . oh well.

Masha said...

Oh dear. And here I was, looking forward to cakes of moldy roast beef for my birthday. Now I won't be able to eat them without vomiting. Curse you!
And I'm afraid a cake of eruptions is just too pervy sounding for me. Though the fact that whatever it's erupting with looks really bloody is probably an even worse thing...
Also, as far as diets go -- IMO, the best diet is one where you listen to your body and eat what you want to eat without any guilt. This lady's article puts it well: http://www.margaretcho.com/content/2003/11/06/the-fuck-it-diet/ (Sorry for the off-topic-ness).

twinklescrapbooks said...

Poor Jay! Can you imagine getting that for your birthday? Blech!
tina :)

jenny_is_busy said...

MMMMMMMmmmmm Meatcake.

desibarbossa said...

I'll be honest. I thought the grill CCC looked like day old horse poops. Not gonna lie.

I'm hoping the Barbie . . . thing is just decorative, because other than the salami concoction, I don't see much edible stuff there. It would at least be a mess to try and serve.

Jay . . . you poor child. All I can think is that maybe he likes exploring or history in which 'new worlds' are discovered and that's supposed to be a piece of land with his own personal flag in it. But that doesn't change the fact that it looks like something that came out of a St. Bernard. D:

Pam Walter said...

These are too strange for words. While some cakes are so beautiful you hate to cut into them, these are so bad you want to serve them just to make them gone. http://blog.sweetservices.com/sweetscandyblog/

Anonymous said...

Maybe the last cake is topped with bridal party favors. My cousin's wife had a cake topped with bridal party favors that the bridesmaids had to sorta pull out of the cake. But it looked much less tacky than this...

Anonymous said...

No one else thought the item in the lower right of grill ccc looked like a penthouse gynecological close up? I seriously couldn't think of anything else.

Jordan said...

I love this new look site! Really better than the standard Blogger look..

roballen said...

Love the new look of the site. Especially taken by the carrot in the icon when I go to my bookmarks. You have to be a Cake Wreck devotee to understand the significance of that carrot! Bless you for making me laugh on a regular basis.

Sudiegirl said...

What's the top cake supposed to be?

Anonymous said...

Jay's "cake"... looks like melting caramel. Yum!

goatgirl said...

Are the medallions (or whatever those dangling things are) on the torn-flesh-from-leopards cake hanging from paper clips or safety pins?

And I feel for Jay -- what did he "do" to deserve that cake?

Anonymous said...

That last one is totally a pimp cake. Red velvet trimmed in leopard skin? Huggie Bear would be so proud...

Craig said...

#1 Why does the sticker say, "French Bread"? Isn't a CCC bad enough without invoking something totally non-cake? Nothing visible should be emanating from raw steak. This one is saying, "I need to be thrown out now."

#2 Could have been a tad less subtle -- there may be one or two people in the galaxy who didn't get the message.

#3 Barbie in bed gets dangerously close to a major TMI penalty for forcing us to think about the private lives of dolls, but at least her top is on. I'd have to write this one up for failing to have a 'for display only' sign in the presence of visible cracks and dust. This pretty much explains Ken...

#4 What happens when you disregard the steak's warning. Is that a katydid next to the flag? What on earth did Jay do?!

That "Great Whole House Steam Cleaning Incident of 2008" line is classic -- any dog owner can relate.

Karen Kimball said...

I could not figure out what that first cake was at all. Looked like an ugly half-melted spacefleet or something.

The 'eruption' cake was mostly disgusting because of the colors, and the last cake somehow looks as if spider are jumping out of it. Maybe it's the shadows.

But the "meat cake" is by far the most disgusting of all. Yaaargh.