Friday, July 17, 2009

Basket Case

Friday, July 17, 2009

John here with a wrecky collage of cakes which are “near and dear” to my heart: sports cakes.

I like to think one of the reasons Jen was first attracted to me (besides my devastating, Kiefer-Sutherland-before-he-got-too-skinny-on-24 good looks*, of course) is my natural affinity for sports. Sure, I don't like to watch them much, or talk about them, or really play any, but I am way more knowledgeable on the subject than Jen is. (Granted, Jen thinks 4D chess deserves its own Olympic category, so that's not saying much, but still...)

Anyway, I've been asked to shed a little testosterone-fueled light on some of these here basketball cakes. Here goes.

The first thing to know is that the ball is round. Like so:

(In the decorator's defense, it is really hard to make a round cake. It’s not like they make pans for that kind of thing.)

This baker solved the round problem with a classic "spinning rug of poo on a bed of scrapple" approach:

Then again, maybe it's not spinning so much as it is sprouting ear hair... which raises a bunch of other questions I won't get into right now.

(Oh, and this is probably a good place to mention that it’s never a good idea to change tips and/or Wreckerators mid-cake. Nobody likes mismatched balls.)

Next we have the ever popular basketball-flower-with-an-obligatory-face cake:

What’s with all the faces on balls anyway? Is there a rule that says that all round objects on a cake have to be looking at you?

And if so, what kind of occasion calls for a nauseous basketball, anyway?

"Ug, I think I'm about to dribble, if you catch my drift..."

At least this last one looks happy, if a bit demented.

Aaaand we’ve come full circle with the round thing again. Given that they're both dreaded CCCs *ptooie* , that's not much of a surprise.

So in conclusion, sports are an inspiring blah blah blah full of life lessons blah blah blah, funny joke that showcases my wit and charm... blah blah.


Jessica S., Hallie S., Tara M., Erin K., and Ann Marie W., try to contain yourselves, please; I'm happily married**.


- Related Wreckage: Have a Ball!


* Jen wrote that, not me. (I would have gone with a Matt Damon/Brad Pitt mash-up.)

**And by "happily" I mean "ecstatically overjoyed with every passing day" - er, did I get that right, Sweetie?
BillDarryl said...

For the "nauseous" ball, I didn't see the tongue and thought the black triangle was his mouth. Which gives him a look as if he's in the locker room while Shaq is changing.

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Googly eyes on a demented basketball... that's... bizarre.

Anonymous said...

If you look past the nauseous face on the sick cake, that's actually quite a good basketball. I know it's not the most difficult thing in the world to make, but given some of these other attempts, credit should be given where credit is due.

~kate

Ghoul Friday said...

I think the first one was originally intended for the hysterectomy cakes you featured recently.

Evelyn said...

Why do people say you can't make round cakes, or that they're too hard? I do them all the time, no special pan needed, and no, I don't use the Wilton ball pans either. I use moms good old caserole's from the 50' & 60's. These cakes are just so, so bad.

Anonymous said...

heeh-heeh, you said mismatched balls

sarah k. said...

I clicked the scrapple link. Dude. Thanks for ruining my breakfast.

Amanda said...

Wow, those are awful. Although for the sick-looking one, at least it's round and kind of cute... though I don't get the white border with sprinkles or whatever on it.

Belle Epoque said...

LoLz...those facial expressions are "basket case" to be sure...

Ana said...

Life cannot be boring with you too John! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! It's 3.45 pm here in Brussels, Belgium, and I've been hitting the refresh button for the last half hour waiting for my daily bit of laugh! Yet again you have not disappointed me!

Wide Awake Wife said...

That last one looks like the offspring of a basketball and a football!!


www.mysleepinghusband.blogspot.com

Miranda said...

bwaaaaaaaaaaa!

I think even a sports-hatin' lounge lizard like me could make better basketball cakes than that!

Alix said...

John, you're an awesome stunt double. Great post. And who doesn't love Kiefer Sutherland?

Mel said...

Hahah... Scrapple. You just gave me horrible memories of my childhood. My grandma fried that crap up for breakfast like some sort of delicacy, as you couldn't buy it in Ohio -- like, "ooooh, look what we brought back from PA!!"

I would have rather had the case of Tastycakes. LOL

gamingkitty said...

The fourth cake looks like something you'd get for a team that's locked in a bottom-of-the-chart ranking.

Half Assed Kitchen said...

That happy demented one reminds me of Herman from the Munsters.

Nice post!

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Muninn said...

The little black swishy marks on that one basketball look like mole claws.

wv: crerl (v.) : What it appears that one face-d basketball is about to do. "Oh no, I think I'm gonna crerl! *hurkk*"

Lucia said...

yeah! i am the first comment?!?! that never happens to me!

i have never seen faces on the basketballs before!

have a great day!

~lucia

Pam said...

I actually kind of liked the "dribbling" cake.

Loved your conclusion.

Gilsner said...

If there's nothing I hate more, it's mis-matched balls ;)

At least they're not blue...

Just sayin', is all.

My mother would be so disappointed in me. If she new what any of that innuendo meant.

Julie said...

And the best part of picture #1 is that there is a round cake right next to it that was obviously made using one of those hard to find round pans.

Etiquette Bitch said...

"(In the decorator's defense, it is really hard to make a round cake. It’s not like they make pans for that kind of thing.)"

--HILARIOUS! Thanks for my morning chuckle...these all had me going, esp. the nauseated basketball.

CALpumper said...

Way funny. "Mismatched balls." That had me rollin'.

Thanks Jen's happily married Pitamon (pitt/damon) husband!

Do the two of you ever have "who's the wittiest of them all?" matches? I mean hands down Jen is gonna win, Every time. But still.

Just sayin'.
Wreck On!

Melonie said...

Perhaps the nauseous basketball could be used by someone that was upset that their team lost.

Little Luxuries said...

Will someone please explain the concept of the dreaded CCC to me? They're weird, they're ugly and they involve WAY too much frosting in a (failed) attempt to make them look like a single cohesive unit.

If I'm of a mind to make cupcakes, I at least respect their individuality by decorating them separately.

And if I'm of a mind to create something that doesn't look like Craft Day at the Asylum, I go with an actual cake.

studiorose said...

I actually like the flower cake. It has a lot of balls.

frigglesnitz said...

I think the first one looks more like a mangled ice cream cone.

BTW, I'm not Dutch, but the daughter of a man with a gift(?) for nicknaming people. (Tinkerbell, Peanut, Frigglesnitz; which one would you pick?)

WV- Yersess- The large bodies of water that you own, or your assessment of a situation, depending on pronuncation.

Deanna said...

Pure hilariousness.

Thanks for the laughs each morning!

vegetable music said...

I love the faces on the basketballs -- they take the wrecks to a new level

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA!The link is Hilarious! As is the demented cake. Oh Jen, you will get there some day when it comes to sports knowledge... Maybe start with Tennis?

Straw said...

I think the one with ear hair is aspiring to be a golden snitch.

Anonymous said...

Are CCC's really that popular? I have never seen one in real life...
My theory: CCCs are probably like 10% of the total cake population, but since they are almost all wrecks they make up a disproportionate 60% of all cakewrecks.

Anonymous said...

I think it is wonderful that John "guest comments and posts" on Jen's site. Each morning I can't wait to privately have a great laugh at others expense! Keep up the great work!

wristbands said...

Where you being sarcastic about round baking pans? I see them all the time in publix. These cakes for some reason aren't the most appetizing in appearance.
But I give them credit for effort and an otherwise nice variety of display and information. Thanks.

deckardcanine said...

Those are possibly the two worst CCCs I've ever seen.

For the Love of French said...

Real basketballs get bumpy like that when they are over inflated...I use to have one growing up and when I bounced it on its bump it went a whole nother direction.

Judy said...

The last one looks more like a rugby ball than a basketball.

Oh and @ Evelyn regarding the difficulty of making a round cake...
(sigh!)just try to stay with us honey. Can I get you a glass of water? Maybe if you just sit down for abit....

redpencil said...

dear jen's hubby:
oops, sorry about the profanity in my (previous) comment

didn't notice the "no profanity" clause at first

it may be hard for me to avoid using profanity when my good judgement and self-editing skills are compromised by (your) incredible hilarity

gosh-darn-it-all, i may never be able to comment again

of course you could always allow a little good-natured profanity (mine) slip through every once in a while!

great blog! i like it a lot

chelle said...

Note to self: Do not look at horrible bright un-round basketballs while under the influence of a migraine.

Holey moley.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

LOL. "To start off, the ball is round." I guess we're supposed to use our [spongebob]imaaaaaaginaaaation[/spongebob].
*rolls eyes*

I sort of like the happy basketball. *g* The nauseated basketball...not sure I'd actually want to EAT it. Is it for a team who got spanked? "Dude, we lost 15 to 105. Here's our cake."

And hey, I liked Kiefer before he was skinny! =D

Suzanne Dargie said...

The "ear Hair" one looks like it's trying to be a spider on a Hallowe'en cake!

Ali said...

The first cake is a CCC, hence its complete failure to be round. I think you can have a round circle or you can have cupcakes in formation, but you cannot have both.

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

That first cake looks like my flabby stomach when I'm wearing my mesh undies...TMI???

Christina said...

@Mel: Thanks, now I'm craving (kraving?) Krimpets and Kandy Kakes and Texas is about 1000 miles from the nearest retailer of such Kwality Komestibles :(

wv: aphantra-Pass the aphantra, these cakes are giving me a headache!

Heidi said...

No references to Charlie Brown's head?

My husband regularly sends me the links to these; I loved the hockey summary as well.

Jael said...

The first one looks more like underwear. Apparently I'm not the only one to think this.

I've yet to actually see a cupcake cake, too, in person. I'm sure it will be worth waiting for in its pure wreckiness.

twinklescrapbooks said...

http://mommycomplex.blogspot.com/2009/07/featured-friday-melanies-creations.html

I featured a polymer clay artist on my blog and I have been encouraging to get into cake decorating. I think she would work good with fondant and marzipan. :)
tina

Melissa said...

So many mentions of balls, so few double entendres. Well done. I wouldn't be able to do it.

On another note, I think that because John posts as "John (husband of Jen)", Jen should start posting as "Jen (wife of John)." That way she'll sound all biblical and stuff.

GAMZu said...

Occasion for nauseous cake?
"Congradulations on your pregnancy!!!!"

Katrina said...

You two really crack me up and make my day! Seriously, these cakes wouldn't be so funny without your great posts about them. Okay, maybe they'd still be funny, but you get what I'm saying! ;)

Just Me,Pilgrim said...

Great post John... when I 1st saw this was going to be a sports post, my 1st thought wa "Eh..boring." But... this was one of the funniest cakewrecks ever! You really had me laughing, thanks a bunch for brightening my day!
SOOO hard to make circles these days...

Kaitlen said...

The combination of the baseball cakes' expressions and John's comments left me giggling uncontrollably (like with actual tears coming out of my eyes). Oh, did I mention I'm at work? Yeah....

UdonNoodles said...

When exactly did someone decide that CCCs (bleagh) were a good idea? It seems like this particular horror has only sprung up in recent years. The concept is fine, I guess, but the execution is nearly always a disaster.

Sandi D said...

Even my 4 year old daughter was laughing at the first cake...she knew that it didn't look like a basketball OR a net/hoop!

sendingtheclowns said...

The first thing I saw in the first cake-seriously-was a small girl with red/orange, poofy hair, standing with her back to us, wearing a white T-shirt and a mesh tank top over that. Someone has squirted the back of her head with Silly String.
The next one--underneat that-is not supposed to be a basketball at all; it is an orange and brown, wingless insect (of an unclassified species) that has sent her four hyperactive offspring to stand in the corners because they were bouncing off the walls from eating too much cake.

I can only surmise that the third one down had to have seen it's reflection in the underside of the plastic lid...it looks as if it's thinking, "Oh, S***! THAT thing is ME??? Guess I'm not getting out of HERE any time soon...!"

Emily said...

the first one, the ball w/ net, isn't round because it's a freaking CCC! Why, oh why, do people do this? A CCM, I understand, but a CCC? There are far better uses of buttercream than to abuse it by heaping lumpy mounds of it onto a CCC in order to fake a true cake... Cupcakes everywhere, I urge you to stand and fight for your right to be your own dessert, to have your own frosting and not share it with other cupcakes in a misguided attempt to make you other than you are!

sendingtheclowns said...

Do you wonder what that last one is smiling about?
My guess is:
Even though it
(1) KNOWS it's ugly,
(2) Looks nothing like anything,
and
(3) Has been called "Mr. Potato Head" all day,
It STILL feels lucky, because as much as being him STINKS, he can't smell it--he has no nose!

Anna C. Morrison said...

What a great husband to be a guest blogger here! Major kudos to John. What will his next topic be?

joyce said...

I could not figure out if they deflated the ball to fit the container or what. Thank you for the ccc heads up.

But, is it basketball season? I am confused. I know it is baseball season, and I heard them talk about football camp coming up---a camp which does not include tents...but I digress.

Thanks guys!

Kelly said...

Would it have been so hard to just make individual cupcakes decorated as basketballs? Why overthink it with the basketball CCC's?

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, Scrapple. The best breakfast food every invented. (No seriously, it is my favorite!) I'm actually surprised you know what scrapple is - are you from Philly?

Em said...

I'm about to dribble

ROFL!

denisewalks said...

hahahahaha @ nobody likes mismatched balls.

Anonymous said...

Get out the air pump...these CCC balls need more round!

Shanti said...

"(In the decorator's defense, it is really hard to make a round cake. It’s not like they make pans for that kind of thing.)"

You mean, like the cake right next to it? Oh, the irony.

Is it weird that I sort of like the multi-ball smiling flower cake? It's neat, in a trippy sort of way. Then again, I may be the most sports-ignorant person on the planet.

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Hey Melissa,

I don't know when I started writing john (the hubby of Jen) but I did it because I enjoy the fact that Jen is the star of the show. I tinkered briefly with john (the unworthy husband of the great and mighty JEN..en..en) but it got a little wordy.

I just really like being a part of what I consider a pretty awesome community.

john

sendingtheclowns said...

john (the hubby of Jen) said...
"I tinkered briefly with john (the unworthy husband of the great and mighty JEN..en..en) but it got a little wordy."
***********
Oh, WOW...! That is a truly awesome effect, there; I instantly flashed on a boxing ring, a mic, and a loudspeaker ("In this cornah...!")--the whole shebang.
Alternatively, I also saw a bit of the old "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...!"
Too cool. You the MAN, man.
=^~~^=

Lynn said...

I like the 4th one...it perfectly depicts all the feelings I have about the game of basketball !

Gladys said...

Note to all: it does nothing for one's image of professionalism when one giggles uncontrollably from an empty office.

Reallly, REALLY shouldn't look at this site at work. You'd think I'd know that by now.

(wv: subet. "No, I'll pass on the...erm, CAKE...I'll have a scoop of subet instead.")

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I forget that not everyone knows what scrapple is! Believe it or not, this vegan has fond memories of it.

rae said...

I love that you gave scrapple a shout out!

stewbert said...

"Nobody likes mismatched balls."

snicker.

kojak said...

I enjoy your posts, John, and I think it's cool that you pinch hit for Jen from time to time. Get it? Pinch hit? hahahaha... Anyway, these cakes range from ugly to terrifying. Love the bit about round pans. lol

Taeraresh said...

Y'all are mean. Now I'm craving both scrapple and Tastykakes, and I have the Tastykake jingle stuck in my head.

Mira8 said...

John and Jen: how nice that Wreck-o-mentary is something you both share! This *is* a happy marriage. :)

Melinda said...

So many "thats what she said" jokes...so little time!!

Suzie Q said...

I actually don't mind CCC's, if they're done well.
But these aren't done well. Not at all.

Celeste said...

The cake is actually nauseated. It is nauseous because it makes everyone else nauseated, but because it looks like it's about to revisit breakfast, it is nauseated...

Sorry, I'm a grammar nerd...and I'm a little surprised you missed that...:)

Love it and keep up the good work!

Karen said...

I'd worry that the second one would get up and walk away. It looks like a big orange beetle.
Karen

eli said...

if you look closly you can see that it a cupcake cake! they put a whole bunch of cupcakes together.you dont have to cut it.

brista said...

The second one looks more like a Halloween cake -- that large "basketball" in the middle is actually a spider and the ones on the corners are actually webs!