Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Insulting Inscriptions 101

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Some handy tips when crafting the perfect cake zinger:

1) Don't misspell it.

There's nothing like borrowing song lyrics for a backhanded compliment, but misspell the thing (and omit all the necessary apostrophes) and you come across more crude than clever.

2) Be specific.

Ok, so Charity smells - but what does she smell like? Hmm? Could be roses, or cotton candy. (Mmm, cotton candy...) This is the time to release your inner muse: tell us what putrescent stench Charity is emitting, and really explore your literary space, ok?

3) Keep it simple.


While you're exploring that space, though, don't get so carried away that no one can tell what you're trying to say. Instead of an oddly phrased "Youth Forgot", why not go with something more straightforward? You know, like this:

See, the lack of exclamation marks or capital letters here really brings home juuust the right amount of indifference. Even the off-centered leaning seems to say, "Hey, I got you a cake, alright? Don't go pushing your geezer luck by expecting quality."

And lastly,

4) A little name-calling can go a long way.


Again, creativity is king here. Just watch your penmanship; that "Fink" could almost be mistaken for "Tink".

Thanks to this next one I think I've found my new favorite pet name for John:

Brilliant!


Kathryn R., Laura I., Sonya L., Mercedes R., Beth, & Kelli A., obviously your fathers smelled of elderberries.
Beth said...

I worked with a guy with the last name of "Fink", so that cake might not be quite as insulting. Still, you know his friends still giggle in their heads whenever they call him Fink.

applecrumbles said...

I really think "Chucknuts" legs are sexy. :)

Kerri said...

chucknuts! Excellent!

Haiku Joy said...

Your birthday? A chance
To ice how we REALLY feel.
Your mama? Hamster.

Yakira said...

Oh my. xDDDDD
Your commentary, as always, kills me. xD

studiorose said...

Indifference, indeed! They couldn't even be bothered to capitalize old Joe's name. And where are the sperm balloons?

frigglesnitz said...

To Jen and ChuckNuts:

Perhaps Charity smells of elderberries, or because she ,"Fetchez la vache!"

Cow fetching is smelly work.

WV: suctedp: She got invited to the boss's party because she suctedp to her.

Cake Believe said...

I love the new nickname! Might have to follow suit on that. Thanks for so many daily laughs Jen!

Dorci said...

I think some of these people need to get together, huddle up and swap apostraphes.

KritterBugg said...

CHUCKNUTS!!!! LMAO!

DK
http://uberfoodnoob.blogspot.com/

Viewtiful_Justin said...

Chucknuts? Chucknuts?! That's brilliant. Wow. It might surpass "asshat" in my book.

Fantastic entry, yet again.

Passion Fruit said...

Priceless!!

The gold digger one gave me a massive headache for some reason. Must be all the gold digging paraphenalia.

I really like the Chucknuts one though.

Brianna M.

Meg Spencer said...

That last cake is pretty awesome. The others are just lame, but that one definitely made me laugh. I'd get it for my dad just for the WTF factor.

Fluffy Cow said...

funny
funny
funny...

CHUCKNUTS!!!!! *Giggling* That is priceless.

Half Assed Kitchen said...

So many good insults out there...now, if I could only remember them when I need them.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

:::b r a n d i::: said...

I personally like the few pieces of round sprinkles that are trying to escape the side on Joe's cake.

Tonyia said...

lmao, "chucknuts", wtf?

Oh, I needed that this morning. Thank you.

Dawnspring said...

That last cake is totally not a wreck! It's awesome!!

I'm also with everyone else in thinking Chucknuts is the best nickname/insult ever. :D

Jess said...

I love how Chucknuts is so old he requires a cane AND a wheel chair. Priceless!

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

HAHAHA! XD Joe is old :P These are hilarious cakes.

Oh! oh... no I don't think my birthday cake(s) really count as wrecks as they were quite ordinary looking....

...until we lit 710 candles that we had placed on them. I wonder if I have any pictures of that. Yeah 710 candles on 5 cakes. Long story involving an injoke that involves an error in the tax departments records but yeah...

Charity smells of latex. Oh yeah :P

My Feet Hurt said...

That wheelchair cake for Chucknuts is really well done. The artwork is perfection all the way down to the guy's beefy calf muscles, which have remained quite well-defined for a dude confined to a wheelchair.

Tiggy said...

I'd love to know how many recipients cried when they received their cake.

Madame Hook. said...

Oddly enough, my friend Eric's last name is Fink, and he just had a birthday. Maybe that cake was intedend for him but he rejected it. Can't say I blame him. : )

And I'm so calling my boyfriend Chucknuts from now on. It's a new term of endearment.

Marmaduke said...

Is it too late to put "chucknuts" on the book jacket?

LaurenH said...

Funny because I didn't even think of Charity being a name at first. I thought someone was all against 'saving the children' or donating to Salvation Army or something: Charity smells!

jackie31337 said...

Perhaps the "Fink" cake is actually a poorly-penned cake for someone (nick)named "Tink"?

Also, perhaps Charity smells is meant to convey that Charity goes around sniffing things. Depending what she and her friends (and the wreckerator) have been sniffing, that would explain a thing or two.

Kim said...

can we talk about what's going on amidst the border of "charity smells? broken cookies? asphalt?

Anonymous said...

Fink was a pretty common name in the south in the early 1900's. I guess it's possible the cake is for someone turning 100...

It was my great-grandfather's name, short for Finkley.

ccinnkeeper said...

Wonderful site you have here, you've given me many great laughs!

I was always taught that "smells" is a verb... I believe to properly insult Charity one would have to say she stinks :)

Amy said...

I know a guy named Chuck with a great sense of humour. I'm gonna start calling him "Chucknutts!" LOL

These cakes are sad.

~Amy B.

2slippers said...

At first glance I thought those gems on the gold digger cake were condoms. :-o

Anonymous said...

Maybe there was an office party and there were two Charity's in the office---Charity Smells and Charity Smith. This way, the ladies can tell exactly which cake was theirs. Showing the Charity Smith cake just wouldn't have made sense and isn't near as funny as Charity Smells. I also thought it might have been someone who was against donating to those less fortunate......

Anonymous said...

Bah! Your mother was a hamster!

WV: dictogi- Dictogi walked into a bar. Chucknuts ducked...

Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] said...

The lack of overall smarts in the "Gold Digger" inscription is only fitting as the man who put that phrase in the vernacular is himself not a fan of literacy (per this week's Sunday Sweets). Some legacy, eh?

Thus concludes my first CW comment ever. Thanks for making my mouth water with a side of laughter every day.

JenofWA said...

Just found your blog the other night and laughed out loud to myself with each entry I read. I even had to call my brother in and we were just hysterical!

Love your blog. You're definitly the highlight of my blog reading time now :)

Cyndi said...

Charity smells cake!!

Come on, how hard was that? :)

holly said...

I worked for a Dr Fink (who, name notwithstanding, is an awesome doc and a wonderful man). And when we referred to him or to the other doctor, we just called them by their last names. As in 'Fink said he needs to be out of here by 5, so let's try to not overschedule this afternoon.'

Katie H. said...

Loved the gold digger one especially after the post about Kanye the other day. The Charity one I first read as "Cavity Smalls". On the "Youth Forgot" one, I think they were going for changing the color every other letter but they got messed up on "Forgot" so I thought maybe there was a hidden message there. I got either "o toro" or "rotoo". And I saw "Happy Birthday Tink" at first, but probably because my boyfriend calls me Tink. I better never get a cake like that!

cottoncolors said...

LOL, Chucknuts!

Kelly said...

So glad I found your blog. You make me laugh out loud every stinking time! Bless you!

Scritzy said...

My first thought upon seeing the "Fink" cake was, "Oh geez, I hope that cake wasn't meant for my friend Tink." *

Then I started thinking about all those Rat Fink figures I had when I was a kid (showing my age here).

And Chucknuts has officially been added to my vocabulary of insults, although I better not use it around Pastor Chuck.

*I don't know why my friend had Tink as a nickname anyway. I guess it was better than Tater.

Anonymous said...

Re wheelchair AND cane: the cane is so he can whack annoying youngsters.

Re the name "Fink": I believe it's German for "finch" so that's probably the origin for many people. I like the idea of being named after a cute little bird.

If only they'd put a hamster on the Charity cake, then we wouldn't have to wonder. Maybe it's elderberry flavored cake.

wv today is "sweates," which is something I fear we'll see on a Wreck sooner or later.

dragonfield said...

Okay so I actually liked "hey joe..... your old".
It's my kind of humor, and I think the lack of punctuation adds something.

skatej said...

I LOVE that last cake.

Anonymous said...

I had trouble deciding if cake #2 was actually written in English. There are an awful lot of extra curls and lines that made me think the wreckerator was using a different alphabet.

Karen said...

Want to brighten someone's day? Introduce them to the word "Chucknuts".

denisewalks said...

Chucknuts made me giggle like a loon.

Stacie said...

I know a guy who's name is, seriously, Harry Ballz. How would THAT look on a cake?!

Melissa (& Billy) said...

It's really a shame that Charity Smells because the cake is quite lovely.

And Chucknuts made me ROFL.

Youth Forgot? Are you trying to remind someone of their misspent youth with a cake that looks like an LSD-trip rendered in frosting? If so, good show!

Hysterical.

Nancy the Romancechick said...

I love the word "Chucknuts." I have NO IDEA what it means, but it made me laugh!

LivingDeadNurse said...

lol haha chucknuts lol

Cheryl said...

Youth forgotten...

Emilie said...

That is hilarious!

I checked out your site from the Blogger Awards and liked it. I voted for you. I hope you win.

Please check out my site nominated for the best blog design. http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/73022. I hope you will vote for me also.

Emilie
Cute Obsession

hewitt said...

Really, the first one is appropriate considering the lyrics are from a Kanye West song. He doesn't know how to spell anyway.

Anonymous said...

Do I see a Chucknuts t-shirt in the works?!?!

Lizard said...

I snort out loud on just about every post and then again (often multiple times) on the comments!

I have taken to writing down NOTES about the cakes so I can add to the discussion, cause, well, I'm a nerd like that.

Cake 1 says to me "We ain't sayin your a gold digger... but we are sayin you like plastic crap and random sprinkle patterns on your cake." And for the love of god... did a SNAIL frost that cake? How else do you get those weird patterns?

Cake 2 is punctuation away from a declarative sentence - Charity smells. It does state the obvious unless charity is in a room full of people who are noseless and therefore unable to follow through with the action of smelling themselves, nonetheless, a thought of its own. My problem is that though this is one of the few sprinkle-less cakes today it seems to have been attacked by... oreos? Half-eaten malomars? chocolate melty chips? dead rose petals?

Cake 3 is a supreme example of tacky cake decorating. Bad Air-brushing - check; off-centered message - check; random sprinkles - check; leftover ribbon - check; lettering that not only does not match but that has a flawed pattern - check; ambiguous meaning - check.

Cake 4 has the most random sprinkles EVAR. (sic) Even the tie-dye swirl-effect icing lines are random and seem to be attacking the right half of the cake... or maybe that was what was holding in the sprinkles and that's why there are so few in that opening but so many around "hey". As for the slant of the lettering, it follows the line of the frosting perfectly in its uphill direction...

Cake 5 is almost too plain to mock other than having off-centered putrid green gel wording!

Cake 6.... I LOVE Chucknuts! That's not only an excellent nickname, but an overall nicely done cake. The would-be wreckerator even realized that his/her handwriting would prevent a straight-line text and did a nice staggered zigzaggy line for the festive and space-saving effect! Well done there, Chucknuts!

jacjewelry said...

Hilarious! What a great blog! Glad I found it.

Gladys said...

`If Chucknuts doesn't deserve a t-ahirt, I don't know what does. As in, maybe, "Hey Chucknuts! Wreck THIS!!"

I would not only totally buy it, I would also totally wear it in front of my mom, who demands explanations of every random clothing phrase in her vicinity, and generally finishes the dialogue with "I don't get it." (I would then resist the temptation to refer to her as "Chucknuts", but only just barely.)

WV: conuffoo: The revelers concluded the wedding with an extensive conuffoo of the bride and groom, during which many fiddle-strings were broken and much cake was hurled.

MJ said...

I think the last one is actually kinda funny! Plus the penmanship is vastly superior to most of what we see here.

Megan @ adventuresofacarnivore.com

sendingtheclowns said...

Jess said...
"I love how Chucknuts is so old he requires a cane AND a wheel chair. Priceless!"
******************
Just maybe it's not so much the age thing as the fact that he's only got one TINY front wheel (nothing on the other side, you see). So the cane *could* be to help him steer. Otherwise poor Chucknuts is just spinning around in circles.
*group gasp*
Which could make him dizzy and /or nauseous.
*group "awww"*
Chucknuts could upchuck.

Kelli said...

I forgot that I sent you the chucknuts cake months ago! I'm glad you found an appropriate way to use it!

Thumb Biter said...

That last one is adorable...except that a) an old guy wouldn't be carrying cane while on a wheelchair and b) an old guy wouldn't be using a hot water bath thing (what do you call those things??) while on a wheelchair.

Natalie said...

It seems appropriate that the lyrics to the Kanye West song are misspelled. As my high school English teacher used to preach, "Better readers make better writers." So, if you don't read...

little gator said...

I like the silly string edging on old joe's cake.


perhaps "charity smells" is a paraphrase of the J Geiles classic "Love Stinks."

BUt I doubt it.

Yota Armai said...

I love Chucknuts!

sendingtheclowns said...

The person who placed the order for the "Youth Forgot" cake was very angry /hurt /upset because his /her very special group of friends /relatives /bowling buddies were--YET AGAIN (it happens every year!)--negligent when it came to remembering and celebrating the person's Special Day (birthday /day-they-quit-drinking /loss-of-virginity day (or what-have-you). The nice cake was to make the bums feel guilty.
The person who placed the order speaks with a lisp, which is why it came out "Youth" instead of "Youse."

Keeley said...

Did anyone notice that Chucknut's cake has lovely gray icing on it? How appetizing.


wv: crecky=how apppropriate!!!

heatherbthyname said...

I think im missing something. The song actually does say "we aint sayin ur a gold digger" It says it exactly lke that. And thats exactly what the cake says. I understand the missing apostrophe but gold digger is spelled that way. Guess im blind

Manda said...

I'm imagining Chucknuts there using his wheelchair like a canoe, pushing it along with that cane.

... I can't wait to use "chucknuts" as a pet name for someone.

whateverfor said...

Your mother was a hamster! Great one, Jen!

wv: vache (french for cow). ha!

toast said...

Chucknuts. LMAO.

Anonymous said...

I think the last cake is nearly a Sunday Sweet, if only because it's that rare thing, a "gag" cake that looks both professional and edible. I bet it's his office or family nickname; I used to know a guy whose coworkers all called him Bucket Head.

Mandy said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! LOVE the "Chunknuts"!

flamegoddess65 said...

I'm shocked that you could even MAKE OUT the words on the second cake. I applaud you. *insert tennis clap*

Anonymous said...

wv: exampalf

Chucknuts would exampalf cakewrecks very nicely on a tshirt!

*~*Lis*~* said...

my hubs name is chuck - I think I shall be ordering a "Chucknuts" cake for him for fathers day.

Anonymous said...

The "you're old" cake is the exact same background cake as the "Happy Birthday BS" cake over in the penmanship post...

Robin said...

Chucknuts has to be from Rick and Steve "the happiest gay couple in the world" cartoon from LOGO. that has to be him!!!!

Dixie said...

I would definitely by a chucknuts shirt -- funniest thing I've seen in a long time!

jaariel said...

"Youth For GOD" instead of "Forgot"
That's my guess==I've been laughing so hard I think I strained a kidney! Thanks for the Wrecks!

jaariel said...

I can picture the order given over the phone for a fun, festive cake for the church kids: "Make it colorful and write 'Youth for God' on it," and the naive sucker hung up the phone,thinking nothing could possibly go wrong with such a simple order...

Anonymous said...

Hello, Cake Wreck blog! I'm a long time fan of terrible decorating and now am a new fan of this fantastic blog. So, for better or for worse, it has pretty much been the highlight of my day to find this entry, because I am the one who is responsible for the "Charity smells" cake. I feel like I should answer a few questions.
1) Charity is a person, it's not charity in general that smells. She also doesn't really smell, I just feel like if I'm going to the trouble of having a stranger write on a cake for me I'd rather have them write "Charity smells" than "Happy Birthday."
2)Well, I mean, she does smell, she has a functional olfactory system. I'm not sure where this started, it's just something that our group of friends says and I like saying that someone smells instead of saying that they stink.
3) Those are oreo cookie pieces, which is a very delicious and appropriate decoration for a cookies and cream ice cream cake. Super tasty. I'd like to send a shout out to the West Seattle Baskin Robbins. West Side!
-Sarah

Anonymous said...

Hi, you must be new to the internet, or someone needs to brush up on their internet memes. the one "we accidentally your cake" sounds more like it was intentional... "I accidentally the whole thing" (where you can replace "thing" with "[noun]")

probablly a cake for 4chan newbs.

Amanda said...

I used to be one of those cake decorators when I was 19 or so. Luckily, I've always been a great speller.

Anyway, I'll never forget the time I wrote "Happy Birthday Mitch" on a cake, and the lady said I spelled it wrong - it was supposed to be "Happy Birthday *****" Ah well, I tried.

Anonymous said...

I actually thought that "charity smells" was really "charity smalls." The "e" looks like an "a" (or at least I thought so.)

Ellen said...

The question is... Was Charity's mother a hamster???

Digging It said...

Chucknuts! Bwahhahaha!! I am so stealing this one. You gotta do a teeshirt of Chucknuts. That's almost as good as SNL's Schwety Balls.