Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Better Dieting Through Cake

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

NOTE: Now really isn't the time to start eating that bagel - or anything else, for that matter. :D


So, are you ready for swimsuit season? No? Then join the Cake Wrecks Appetite-Suppression Program, and get a thinner you in no time!

Yes, that's right! With a steady "visual diet" of Wrecks like these:

You'll find yourself craving all foods less and less!

For example: Are you having a hard time saying "no" to fatty animal shanks? (Because, really, who isn't?) Well, with our proven "You'll Hope They're Cloves!" model, you're guaranteed to never desire streaky blackened meat-on-the-bone ever again!

You're already reconsidering that lunch order, aren't you? Now imagine the results you'll get with a full 24/7 regimen!

It's so easy! The Cake Wrecks Appetite-Suppression Program contains a heart-healthy sculpted-cake medley of:

Disgusting food products...

(Red meat, green meat, meat that oozes, meat that's rare...)

Enlarged insects...

(Post-stompage for maximum effectiveness)

And of course, plenty of poo-like piles...

(Just a little dab'll do ya!)

All guaranteed to get you the results you want!

And for those dieting emergencies when you need an extra-strength dose of appetite suppressing Wreckage, there's our special "medical specimens" selection:

Filled with jelly, so you won't fill your belly!


Melinda A., Tricia A., Kathleen, Jenn J., Kristin, & Debra F., eat your heart out.

Or don't, 'cuz that's kinda gross.



*Related Wreckage: The Cake Head Diet Aid
mandi said...

That is seriously nasty.

Abby Normal said...

Dibs on the mandibles!

Judy said...

That's hilarious that the fly had it's legs and 1 wing pulled off and the heart is so...ummm..GLOSSY!!!

vix said...

OK...your new weight loss program works really good! UURPP! I feel slightly queasy and have just sworn off eating for the rest of the day. BLLEEEHHH!

Bryna said...

I didn't think it would work, but surprisingly, I'm not hungry anymore!

Susan said...

Well, Now my Kiddos won't eat their breakfast. I think this is your best post EVEH!! Way to GO!!!

Fluffy Cow said...

Well... I, for one, won't be eating today.

Eternal Lizdom said...

Glad for the warning- those were GROSS!

Auntie Meme said...

Nothing says yummy like sea slugs!

Rachel said...

Ok, so I never get grossed out. Until now. These are hideous. My morning coffee seems vile right now. Thanks, Jenn. :-P

Milton said...

Actually, that heart cake is pretty good. I keep expecting it to pump and quiver.

WV - comenth: Old English, to comment - Yay, he comenth on yon blog posting.

Meagan said...

Oh god those are hideous!!
*cringe*

Dan Lewis said...

That last cake is probably good after a hearty meal. Buh-dum-dum (that was supposed to be a rimshot)

Monique said...

Weirdly enough, there was a catagory of foods called "subtlety" in medieval times, and included *were* sweets that resembled meat, or offal. The recipes still exist. I was kind of guilty of, "Ooooo, roast as cake! Nice subtlety!!!"

Viewtiful_Justin said...

Holy disgusting, Batman! The little slab of ground beef on that meat cake really makes me gag. EWWW!

April said...

I'm really glad I haven't even touched breakfast yet, 'cause there's no way I'm eating now. Blech!

Anonymous said...

I thought the first one was sushi when I saw it in the small size. Runny, rotten sushi. The raw meat one was amazingly accurate and revolting, but the bug made me heave. EWWWW! Who in their right mind....???

Stacie said...

Now I know this wouldn't give you much to do Jen, but what happened to cakes that look like...cakes??

The shiny, freshly extracted heart is burned into my retinas. Thanksomuch.

Anna said...

oh... it's hard to believe these are cakes... or that they are sweet...

eca! ;P

Anna said...

Aaaaaaaaannnndd... your blog is usually torture... specially on sundays... I do crave for cakes when I visit...

but now...

seriously... I can't even think of food...

Julie said...

Wow. Just makes you wonder what the heck...

Melinda said...

Sick. I think my breakfast may revisit me here in a moment.

Anonymous said...

Those are wrong on so many levels.

I got nothin else.

BigMomma said...

I will never look at cakes the same again.

Dee said...

Well you finally posted some cakes that turned my stomach worse than the dusty old display cakes from awhile back.

StuffCooksWant said...

Ewwwww!! Love the meat platter cake. I had that green one for dinner last night. I think it's supposed to be one of those flank steak pinwheels - steak rolled up with feta cheese, pine nuts and spinach. It looked better last night as an actual meat product...

Shel said...

Yuck, yuck, yuck. Those are seriously wrecky cakes.

Anonymous said...

I think the heart cake is pretty cool!

CALpumper said...

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

But SOOOO funny! Love your commentary, ha ha ha!

And thanks for the warning to not eat or drink before reading. Much appreciated.

Thomas Westgard said...

I have an 8-year-old boy who would kill for that insect cake. Of course, I could probably talk him into eating a real one.

cindy said...

i never thought there was a cake i would turn down until i saw these. ew.

Angie said...

Eeww. That's all. Just eeww.

Anonymous said...

Ha, ha! Thanks for posting this today of all days, Jen! Yesterday, I swore to go on a hard-core diet eating only the healthy foods I have so long avoided in months.

The catch? There is still half of a delicious homemade cake sitting in my house (and it's a marble cake, to boot)!

I was ALMOST tempted to grab a slice of my cake this morning...until lo and behold I saw today's post. Now, I shall think twice about eating my cake. Or any cake. Or any food, for that matter.

I Love Baby Quilts! said...

I don't get the leg of lamb cake - what occasion was that for???

Anonymous said...

The bottom left and bottom right items in the third picture interest me. It looks like a pile of grilled meats, but then you look at those two...I see a muffin (with the paper still attached) and a cinnamon bun. And both have grill marks on them. And judging by the white lines around the middles, they were also both cut in half, slathered with cream cheese and put back together like a bagel.

jackie31337 said...

I usually read this while I'm eating dinner, so thanks for the warning. Although I'm so hungry at the moment, I don't think it'll do much to take away my appetite.

Muum said...

barf. thanks for the very motivational weight loss aids. burgle, burp...

ctdeyo said...

My five year old just walked in and declared the second cake a stinky lady bug.

Chad said...

Hey! I really like the "box o' meat"
cake! I think that's pretty cool!


Captcha word: recie
recie - a recipe without any "p" in it! :)

Anonymous said...

the second pic looks like a torched brain complete with brain stem . . . yuck!

Anonymous said...

I managed to avoid snatching up a piece of cake while shopping yesterday, and thanks to your Better Dieting through Cake I'll be able to avoid doing the same for the rest of the week. Perhaps the rest of next week, too. And, yes, I'm actually on a diet. It'll be easy making this week's goal...

Half Assed Kitchen said...

Duuuuude. Those are gross.

Still, nothing turns me off like a good kitty litter cake.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Michelle S. said...

I actually gagged. FYI, laughing and gagging simultaneously can really be interesting.

mags said...

Ok, the bug one I kinda like because I'm weird like that. But the rest....not so much. That first one looks like old salmon on top.

Moi, la perdue! said...

I JUST FINISH EATING!!! eurkkk it tottaly work for me...Hey keep them comming after august, i'm due to give birth! I want to stay away from cakes(espicially the i'm a baker humpff!!!)

again,,,beurkkkkk....

good blog good job!

Flartus said...

But...why are they so shiny???

Anonymous said...

the filled with jelly comment just threw me over the edge

Erin said...

Definitely nauseated, now.

Deray said...

I threw up a little

Sue KuKu said...

Thank goodness I'd finished my yogurt before I viewed these cakes!

Just Me,Pilgrim said...

I feel ill now.

Aly said...

so gross!

Nikki said...

Thank you so much - I was planing on fasting today, and this did the trick!

Elleah said...

GROSS!

Brandy said...

The heart is just so... shiny... *shudder*

Char said...

Yes, my appetite is gone. Lost forever. It worked!

ouT oF My MinD said...

ewww... i think i just lost my appetite for tomorrow and the day after that.

Amy said...

Those are disgusting!
But the heart cake is kind of cool. Eat your heart out! LOL

~Amy B.
wv: worse "those cakes are worse than I could've ever imagined."

Norkio said...

That is just foul

Trish said...

Well! Started off yesterday with a little bit of vomit thanks to my son; seriously having a hard time avoiding a deja vu experience...yuck!

The bug one, I gotta say, is kinda cool. The best kinda bug is a dead one as far as I'm concerned!

The poo-pile cake is indeed poo-ey; the condensation on the inside of the lid makes it seem even more realistic and "steamy". Like they are FRESH piles. EW.

The heart one is awesome. Not in anyway shape or form edible, but still awesome! I'd LOVE to see it stabbed with a sharp object and see the jelly squirt! :)

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what celebration would call for a red jelly filled heart cake? Are people crazy? Are they trying to gross out their guests? Seriously? Keep up the good work - I have several pounds to lose!

Anonymous said...

I wasn't too grossed out until you mentioned the jelly in the heart for full effect. That pushed it over the edge.

Aleesuhn_Muhree said...

Nothing right about any of these cakes. . . I threw up a little in my mouth. Just a bit. . .

Karla with a K said...

Or: "a little dab'll DOO ya!"

That meat one looks like it has grill-marked larvae slithering over the top. And what's in the top right corner of that one? A recent hatching?
Nas-tay!

(and hilarious, as always.)

Tanzie said...

I just ate lunch prior to checking out your blog today. Now, I'm full of regret, and...um,urp...excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth!

Hungarican Chick said...

This post almost made me throw up in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

BARF! makes me want to puke. seriously!!

Debbi said...

For the poster that saw a muffin and a cinnamon bun in that "meat" one ... I had to look closely (you're welcome) and I do believe the "muffin" is a filet mignon complete with the wrapping of bacon, and the "cinnamon bun" is a beef pinwheel stuffed with spinach and cheese. I have eaten both of these in their real form, but thank God never as a cake.

Aurora said...

Wow, I've seen some disgusting specimen here before, but these take the cake. (ha!)

Seriously, though, I didn't wholly believe they could be that bad, but leading off with the pus oozing carrots... yep, that pretty much did it.

MicheleinCA said...

These cakes are so disgusting, I almost peed my pants. I couldn't figure out whether to laught or gag!

Brianna! said...

I just threw up in my mouth alittle...

Spencer and Kami said...

All I can say is.... "wow"

Morgan the Muse said...

that one looks like a pile of plastic food, to be honest. Bleh.

Stephanie said...

So am I the only one who wasn't thoroughly grossed out by all of that? I'm not sure I would want to actually eat any of them, but I for one am still looking forward to dinner.
Oh, and the "eat your heart out" comment made me laugh. :)

Christina said...

Eat your heart out!
Serve your heart on a platter!

That one was actually really impressive

Shannon said...

I knew I should have held off on lunch. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Alpha Chick said...

WOW, i'm glad i ate breakfast Before i read this post

CanaMama said...

Those were so wrong. Who comes up these designs?

Cait said...

I have to say, the heart is kinda cool. Maybe that's just the nurse-geek in me talking...

Passion Fruit said...

My head's spinning, I'm that nauseous.

Grossssss...!

I'm honestly the most grossed out by the oozing carrots because they're actually oozing-- like for real!! *retches*

Lynn said...

Ohhhhhhh...that pile of meats is just horrid ! I almost gagged...

Tatersmama said...

I just gave my English muffin to the dog.
That's all I'm sayin...

sunlizzard said...

Gawd. That heart cake is so accurate that I could use it to point out exactly which ones of my coronary arteries are trashed.

All together now: EWWWWWWW!!!!!

dawnspring said...

The very first thing I though when I saw the 'turkey leg' was "OMG AN ILLITHID!" but then I realized that an Illithid cake would looke so much cooler than that thing.

These are hilarious! And not gross at all to me (if fact Im eating a peanut butter and cherry jam right now)

sendingtheclowns said...

I have an ironclad alibi for not being aroused by these specimens...it is that I also have an ironclad stomach.
BUT, I'm really worrying about the big-hearted cake being able to survive! See, it hasn't got all of its parts-(!)- barely seems to be getting by (!), with just its superior vena cava hanging out. I don't like having to ventricle my anguish this way, but ...but...it's making me crazy!
Why, aorta....!
=^>.<^=

Katrina said...

Sadly, Cakewrecks is my lunch time treat :-(

Christina M. said...

That first cake definitely looks like a sashimi special...

The Stool Pigeon said...

I feel thinner already!

Miku said...

The only cake that really looks disgusting to me is the first one with the melting frosting carrots. Yeck! However the meat cake, while oddly colored (they all have grill marks but are bright red? Don't think so!) is actually pretty accurately depicted, and the heart cake is just awesome detail-wise.

wv. Aloaftiz, the first sentence I'll say when I get to Hawaii to visit my friend Ftiz. Aloaftiz!

Angela said...

My stomach is so strong, I'm still hungry. Not that I'd eat any of those cakes!

~ L. K. said...

I love meat cakes! I've always wanted them to make a suitable heart pan. (Although liver would most likely be easier.) I'm sad you can only make jello hearts. I love them!

Wendy said...

Funny stuff! Where do you find all these photos by the way?

janet2buns said...

I think the first cake is a winner. Who wouldn't want a few slices of salmon sushi and a blob of green horseradish on their cake????

andrea-p said...

Been reading for a while, but this is my first time commenting. I felt compelled to let you know the pile 'o meat cake reduced me to a snorting, crying blob. I really, particularly liked the streaky marching poo.

Alina said...

And... I'm officially repulsed by cake now... my arteries thank you.

RShini said...

Okay, the Heart cake is well done, but good god - no one outside of the medical community can eat it.

archersangel said...

that's almost enough to put me off cake.

agent57 said...

I'm getting a total sashimi vibe from whatever that's supposed to be on the first cake. Say, I wonder if anyone's done sushi cakes yet?

Melissa (& Billy) said...

KILL THEM WITH FIRE! D=

Julie said...

Why? That's what all those cakes leave me thinking.

Em said...

I'm a vegetarian and I don't even want to eat FAKE meat right now.

Blech.


WV: emand: em and who?

(I couldn't help myself.)

Bree said...

The assorted meats cake is excellently done, but good Lord, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole!

And does it look like somebody slathered BBQ sauce on the heart cake?

MJ said...

Well, the heart cake is actually kind of cool. If I were a med student I'd probably be pretty happy to get it! But that fly...that's just gross.

Megan @ adventuresofacarnivore.com

Kisa said...

*gag*
that's...
wow..
*shudder*

Laura said...

Did anyone else notice the bone on the ribeye steak is, um, wavy? That's what grossed me out. What kind of *real* steak has bones that aren't solid?

tasteslikeyum said...

Even with the babies-popping-out-of and body parts cakes, this was the first one where I felt my face move involuntarily into a terrible position. I only imagine it was like some sort of cartoon character-esque face of disgust.

Thus: good stuff. Gnarly.

Rusty and Bandit said...

Oh, gross...

DangGina said...

Okay, the heart cake is way too realistic. Props to the decorator, in a way...

The nastiest one, methinks, is the first one; what kind of rancid juices are coming off the carrots?! [shudder/gag]

Scritzy said...

Gad ...

I had a minor surgical procedure today and was already feeling a tad queasy. Now it's gone beyond queasy into ——

Excuse me ... Porcelain Patty is calling.

M.D. said...

While salt has been a proven method to destroy cake eating slugs, one should not think its acceptable to still serve the cake after said slugs on top have been exterminated.

Annie said...

All right, so these cakes aren't your regular rectangular sheet cakes... So what's wrong with that? Aside from the first one, which looks rather old and past its prime, I see nothing wrong with decorators making cakes that suit the demands of the client! What better cake to give to a cardiologist (or... someone that really enjoys eating hearts ;-)) than a realistic replica of a blood-pumping muscle? I say GOOD JOB to all the decorators that think outside the rectangular-shaped sheet cake box! :-)

Hyena Overlord said...

This is the first CW that made me not want cake...ever. Congratulations, keep up the good work.:)

koothra...the sound I made upon seeing the baby food vomit on the first cake.

Vellum said...

....I was okay until the pile of meat. I don't know why, but...my god. It's a pile of meat. ...whyyyyyyyyyyy?!

violanut said...

Call me crazy but that first one looks like raw salmon pieces on that cake. Sashimi anyone?

Katie said...

Aw, I submitted the meat cake back in March but my name isn't at the bottom! The funniest part is that it was made by a vegetarian.

Amy Ellen said...

You know it was not "too" bad until that last one....... and jelly filled even, blech....
Amy

::poltergasm:: said...

i desperately need to know the backstory behind the half-deconstructed, if you will, frosted insect. desperately.

Jenny said...

The unit that my mom works in would love the cake heart. I would eat it also. lol.

Sara said...

Don't you mean "A little dab'll DOO ya"?
hahaha!
Who wants cake that looks like MEAT?!?! Gross...

fingersandtoes said...

You're right, I never want to eat poo again!

sapphire_kittum said...

Oh... my... God. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Any lingering feelings I had about converting fully to vegetarianism have definitely gone. The lamb-shank-looking wreck is the worst, it looks like it has parasites burrowing out from under the skin.

WV: brance. As in, I had to brance myself after I saw some of these wrecks.

bigSIS said...

Gee, I think this diet will be the one for me. I have definitely lost my appetite.

Love the commentary! Keep on wreckin' on!

Clare said...

Ok I have a question- is there some way these cakes are verified to know if they really are cakes made by "professionals" and meant to be sold? The heart cake and insect cake look like some poor inexperienced shmuck made them for someone they know. Not that they are any less horrible, but people who don't work for bakeries make ugly cakes all the time. The irony that some of these cakes are so horrible and yet are supposed to have been made by professionals is what makes them funny.

Lindalou said...

And I just read this post right before lunch. Ugh. Honestly, not so hungry anymore.

MamaX5 said...

Dry heaving.

Anna said...

Bugh. Yep, I was thinking of grabbing a cupcake from my son's birthday party to snack on ..... not so much anymore...

Cosmoplastic " A World-Forming Event" said...

I do have to admit that is the best Ccc I've ever seen even if it is poopy!

RSVP said...

I must say, these would be great groom's cakes!

gumbiecat said...

EWWWWWW.....I can feel my stomach curdling....

Anonymous said...

Finally, a post that doesn't make me crave cupcakes (though the CCC's do their level best) and other baked goods! I'll just look at those slabs of lox/severed tongues every time I feel the need to visit that bakery down the street with organic... local... apple... turnovers.... *checks post again* *dry heaves* I'm good!

LivingDeadNurse said...

i like this one..course i am in nursing...so i am bias lol

Sheila said...

Actually, I remember that cake with all the steaks being posted on a vegetarian community I'm on, and it was actually made by a vegetarian who worked in some bakery and had that as an order! Go figure!!! :-D

Anna said...

Oh, look at that! Wow. Those are flies, right? Gosh.scossc

Anna said...

Also, I posted the verification word at the end of my comment on purpose, for effect.

peewee said...

That last one made me gag. "meat" cakes are the worst. Oh wait, "foot" cakes too.

fisheggs said...

That is revolting!

sunshyne said...

I have a terrible headache now, but that hankering for a snack is gone! Dinner plans are out the window, too. I may bookmark that entry so I can see it daily. Yuck...

KingsMedStudent said...

I want a heart cake so bad!!

Jolanthe said...

Oh.dear.Lord.

This post made me almost pee my pants...and gag at the same time.

SERIOUSLY??

weeona said...

Ewwwwwwwwwww...

I think I'm doubly sickened since I've been veg 11 years, vegan 6.

REAL meat is bad enough.

*vom*

Jynxed said...

I would totally buy the Heart, and I've eaten a bug one before. It was delicious.

Anonymous said...

Okay, normally, I am a big fan of meat. Hamburgers, hot dogs- when my family barbeques, I pig out. Also, nothing really grosses me out. Bloody knee? Whatever (although I'm not that big a fan of pain). Frog dissection? Okay, sure whatever. Open-heart surgery on TV? Cool, I'll watch it. My point is, it takes a lot to gross me out. Now I'm not sure, but these cakes have come the closest ever to gross me out. I was hungry and thinking of a cheeseburger twenty seconds ago. Now I've lowered my standards to a salad. And it's getting lower.

Jen, instead of a cake wrecks book, you should have made it a diet cake. You would have made a lot more money, especially if you sold it in Hollywood. Plenty of stars would be talking about it. And models. (Now for those of you accusing me of hating on models and stars, I don't mean to insult. I'm just saying: a few of those people destroy's all the others' images. Thank you.)
-Madison

Dasani said...

ohhh! ewww....

Dasani said...

gross