Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine's "Winners"

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Hey, it's Valentine's Day!! May the sugar-coated cuteness and commercially-driven materialistic declarations of affection begin!

Just don't get your cutie-patootie any of these:


Sure, it looks like an internal organ: just not the right one.


These could lead to a lot of fun "what's that supposed to mean?" conversations:

Uh, your love kills me?


You make my heart unravel?

And this one is a bit desperate for my taste:


Here's a great one to give your SO in mixed company:

I don't know about you guys, but when I refer to myself in the third person in conversations with John (which is especially fun at parties), I usually prefer the designations "baby" and "your lover".

"Baby, your lover would like you to take the trash out."
"Baby, your lover is going to the store."
"Baby, your lover gets the not-so-subtle hint from your Valentine's present..."


"...but your lover has a headache." (cue "Broken Arrow" by Rod Stewart)

Now, these cake/cookie things may suffer from the whole bum-crack affliction:


...but they still look way more appetizing than these:

Hey, it's the ABC gum cake!
(For those of you who don't remember kindergarten, ABC = "Already Been Chewed".)


Gabrielle H., Maya C., Anne M., Kandace H., Michael H., & Ben O., John's lover thanks you.
H. L. Dyer said...

Did you notice on the desperate cake that even the icing is "whipped"? *snort*

Brandi said...

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I have been enjoying it for awhile now!!!!

Love the wrecks you find!!! I'll keep coming back for more.

Brandi

Always an Adventure said...

Who would even THINK those look good? Scary, just scary. I would much rather my hubby forget V-Day (as usual) than spend hard earned money on something so scary!!!

Rachel said...

Hee hee, I think the top cake is a pelvis . . .

Rosemary said...

Re: The "PLEASE?" cake...how apt that it has "whipped" icing. Why not admit it right up front?

Morgi said...

C'mon, what's not romantic about a kidney? My boyfriend was one of my potential kidney donors. :)

That white square cake is quite pretty--why'd they put the butt cookies on it?

Dani said...

Now that you mention it, I guess that IS a broken arrow... Thanks for clarifying... I saw it as something else... :)

Sarah said...

Oh my goodness... It's so hard to understand why certain people think that decorating cakes like this is okay. And then to SELL them for MONEY!

Ack!!

Maybe the decorators secretly hate Valentines Day and the cakes give a subliminal message to all who look upon them that "Love" isn't really worth the bother.

Love stinks, everyone.

amroyo said...

Oh sweet lord. We've had biological cake* references but the uterus cake with the sadly proportioned member (or is it a brown swimmer?) is by far the least subtle.


That was a slip but I'm keeping it in because it works.

Galadriel said...

That first one is a pelvis! A bloody, bloody pelvis...

Cyberrblue (Colleen) said...

Those are too funny! I guess they would do for a last minute kindergarten party but they wouldn't be good for much else.

Thank you for starting my V-Day with a laugh! :D

~Colleen (cyberrblue.wordpress.com)

All Adither said...

Horrendous. And priceless.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Zhoen said...

Actually, the first one looks like a very unhealthy upside down liver. Which by Shakespearean standards ... well, no, still wouldn't work.

#3 & 6 are just piles of pink poo.

#5, so relieved you clarified that 'baby' was a pet name, not an actual baby.

Rileysowner said...

The kidney at the top is just weird. The cup cake uterus, all I can say is I am glad I was not the only one to see that.

Shannon said...

I love the ABC gum cake! Gross

Melinda said...

Nice collection! I like the first one best.

janet2buns said...

WHY do wreckerators think wads of chewed gum on a cake look nice???

HorribleLicensePlates said...

One should never use the word "lover" in public. I went to a wedding once where they kept saying lover over and over, and I just wanted to puke

ChiTown Girl said...

The last cake looked more like poop hearts to me, than ABC gum. Either way....eeewwwww!!!

Amy said...

Speechless----again.
~Amy B.

Vivian said...

I think that's a cupcake uterus, and the arrow is showing which end is up!

Kathryn Magendie said...

broken arrow, huh? Oh yes, NOW I see it.... teehee

drgns4vr said...

Obviously I never had any anatomy lessons. I saw cake #1 as a giant red bat, left over from Halloween.

wv: Perguni. The place bad cake decorators spend eternity when they die.

Viewtiful_Justin said...

Holy Jesus. That female anatomy decoration on the cupcakes is a little graphic! I'd snort if my boyfriend got me one of those.

Anonymous said...

On the ABC cake, my first thought was Cupid Droppings.

~Anne said...

My 7 year old daughter is SO proud that a cake I found showed up on the site! (the desperate heart cake) Our grocery store is usually pretty good with the cakes they make, but seeing this one made me laugh and think of the site during my weekly shopping trip.

WV: walityp - the special icing tip used to make a Wreck.

Dani said...

I think your being overly generous with that last cake. Gum is not where my mind went. Honestly those look like the valentines my dogs leave in the backyard.

HazelMay said...

Uh, the "cookies" on the cake/cookie thing totally look like chocolate dipped chicken breast.

Ew.

Rossweisse said...

The first one looks rather like a smooshed pigeon (road kill dove?) rather than an internal organ. I guess amorphous blobs of icing are rather like clouds - the picture is in the eye of the beholder.

Ross

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

The "arrow" is probably one of THE nastiest things I've seen on here.

sendingtheclowns said...

Now, I just KNOW that I'm not the only one who sees something other than hearts OR ABC gum wads on that last cake.
Come on...use your imaginations.
There you go--see? They DO look like the spongy, shriveled-up butts of people- say, about 130-years old.
Just please don't ask me where *I've* see any....

FreedomFirst said...

Blech! Those last two are just awful.

Rebecca said...

I think the second one maybe something like 2 hearts beating as one, or having the same rhythm, or some such garbage. lol. I love abc's.

soflavolgal said...

I thought the first cake was a Valentine version of the Bat Signal.

Tried to take a picture of a cookie cake today but hubby said I was embarressing him. Giant Heart cookie just said VD to you. No happy. Guess if you have a VD (mid-century term for STD) you ain't too happy.

Word recognition term:nistande I'm nistande anywhere near you taking a picture of a lame cookie in a supermarket.

Sarah, The New Girl said...

I agree with some previous comments-- the top one is a leftover halloween bat, recovered in red icing. nice.

Kamity said...

The first cake looked like a leftover from Halloween ... I was amazed cake could last so long! Now I'm looking forward to pink Father's Day cakes!

Nate said...

I just had to say that Robbie Robertson's recording of "Broken Arrow" is much, much better than Rod Stewert's cover.

Nate

Heather said...

last one looks more like six scrota to me...

Anonymous said...

I personally find the title "lover" distasteful. Bleck. Any time I see the word I hear it pronounced as "LUH-VAH" in my head and it makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Seeing this on a ccc makes me vomit completely.

Anonymous said...

ABC gum cake almost = lotsa prostates cake. Is someone asking for a rectal exam?

Michi said...

Between the kidney/liver/pancreas cake and the uterus cake, have you considered spending a week on a "we don't think they're supposed to be internal organs" theme?

Misster Kitty said...

Pic #6 looks like a uterus! WHY?!

DangGina said...

Aw hell, these are all fugly. That last one (the ABC gum one)--I actually thought those little--hearts, are they?--looked more like feti. Like from the 3D ultrasounds? Blech...

I never knew how much I hated CCCs until just about...now.

AJP said...

YAY MRS. GABRIELLE! Ugh, these are absolutely disgusting. I'm glad I don't celebrate Valentine's Day; if my boyfriend (I don't have one, but still) got me one of those, I think I would die!
American Jewish Princess

Morgan said...

Baby, You Make Me Feel Like I'm Flatlining (Call The Doctor)

Scritzy said...

This has to be the butt-ugliest display of wrecks I've seen yet. No pun intended. Oh heck, yes it was.

Train of thought: Love Stinks = J. Geils Band = "No Anchovies, Please."

"Oh my God ... that bowling ball ... it's my WIFE!"

Sorry. I get a little carried away sometimes. Hee.

Happy VD, everybody!

~Anne said...

Anon - Luv-AH makes me think of that hysterically obnoxious SNL skit about the college professors in the hot tub...."my Luv-AH fed me grapes by hand while we frolicked about nakedly..."

WV: cring - I cring when I think of the people who bought these cakes and expected something totally different!

Anonymous said...

The labiolingual look of #7 should maybe be a turn-on.
But it was lost on me.

Nerdy wreck fan said...

I think that the second cake is trying to show an EKG of atrial flutter*, so does that make it more or less wrecky? Is it saying, "You make my heart flutter," or, "You give me a supraventricular tachycardia"? As a med student, I'm amused by it. I think it is an attempt at a "bee mine" type pun for a rather small audience.


*Atrial flutter is an abnormal heart rhythm that causes the heart to beat very fast. The ventricles beat about 150 times per minute, but the atria beat up to 350 times per minute. Those extra beats that don't get conducted give the baseline of the EKG a saw-tooth appearance.

Brenda said...

The first one really reminds me of a butt print left in the sand when you get up from sitting down at the beach.

Yum. Gag.

MarieA said...

bum crack valentine's cakes... ROFL!!!

janet2buns said...

Anonymous 5:51: It's true, though....nothing says "I love you" more sincerely than a prostate exam.. *nodding head thoughtfully*

sendingtheclowns said...

Heather said...
last one looks more like six scrota to me...
*****************************
Heh heh...
And, you know, ONE scrotum would be more than sufficient...
=^@@^=

strawrose said...

I found the "I love you" CCC without the inscription, so it confused me. (Someone watched me while I snickered at it. Were they a Cake Wreck reader, too?) I didn't dare take a picture, though. It was a supermarket with high security. Cake Wreckers must be sneaky!

Brianna! said...

Yum, ABC gum... I am lookin' forward to eating that bad boy.

Cami said...

Ha! Now, personally, number three ("you make my heart unravel") calls to mind the odd mating habits of the Anglerfish - when they mature, the males' digestive systems quickly degenerate, so when they find a female, they bite her side and become fused there, spending the rest of their lives attached to each other like that.

That's probably just because I'm weird, though. I... really doubt that was the idea the wreckerator was going for.

Anonymous said...

At first glance at that fluoro pink cake, my boyfriend said 'It looks like a cervix!'

Anonymous said...

Ok. That arrow looked like a female part if you know what I mean....

-Amy

Dee said...

I agree with everyone who thinks the first cake is a Halloween bat. Which begs the question--is the cake actually from Halloween? Because that's kind of gross, seeing as that was more than three months ago. One can hope they just used a bat-shaped pan.

onlinepastrychef said...

Oh, dear lord, thank you so much for crappy decorating skills so that I may laugh at them!

A new Valentine's Day saying, "I kidney you."

And blame less-than-stellar Wilton instructors for the butt crack hearts--they actually teach how to make them, but then they are supposed to tell you to smooth them out w/a finger dipped in corn starch. You know, so they don't look like butt cracks.

Etiquette Bitch said...

gross, gross, gross. that one CCC with the "arrow" on the side...well, i thought it was a penis cake. sorry.
ugh.

the baby/lover made me think of Dirty Dancing...wasn't there one scene where they did a dance to a song where she called him "lover" or something? or maybe this was a custom CW.

hilarious! thanks for my post-valentine's day giggles.

Maya said...

strawrose: your blog implies that you're in CA, whereas I'm in (and so took the picture in) NJ. Which means that there is MORE THAN ONE of those horrid misshapen boxed, incomplete hearted, bleeding lettered "I Love You" ccc monstrosities in the world. *shudder* that may be the worst thing I've ever heard.

Hyena Overlord said...

I saw scrotums on the white cake...sorry...too much V-day chocolates for me, plus a Red Bull.

vw kingspa...a spa for men

Rob said...

That "broken arrow cake" looks happy to see you. Giggle. Whoa. That was a load of wreckiness.

emilytasticz0rz said...

That broken arrow cake looks like a uterus, complete with fallopian tubes and ovaries.

Iron_wofle said...

This blog is awesome. And that first cake looks like the GTVF Ulysses space superiority fighter from Freespace.

jo said...

#1--hey, giving someone a kidney IS a way to show you love them! (however, it's usually to a sibling. you know, the whole "match" thing)

not exactly romantic...

Egan-Boyd said...

lol I think the second one is like a cake rendition of the "Whatsit" in the newspaper. Maybe the common phrase it represents is, "Two hearts beating as one" ? If you interpret the squiggles as EKGs and pretend they actually match!

Anonymous said...

Yikes! The internal organ cake looks like a kidney! Uhhh... Happy Valentine's Day?