Party Like It's 1999

Well, it's New Year's Eve, and that means you've got two things on the brain right now: dieting and booze. Since it's somewhat difficult to find cakes celebrating diets (which is really a shame; I'm holding out for the "all cakey carbs" diet) let me see what kind of alcohol-themed stuff I can dig up for you.

Ok, here's a dreaded CCC (cupcake cake) for the martini lover: definitely shaken, not stirred.

Uh, this looks more like a bottle of hair tonic than alcohol. (Not that I've ever *seen* a bottle of hair tonic, of course; I just imagine it would look like this.) Sorry, I'll keep looking.

Hm. Well, John and I are still debating just what the heck this is, but I think it might be an exploding champagne bottle. (John sees one of those holiday crackers that you pull open.) The one thing we both agree on is that it's butt-ugly. [evil grin]

Moving on...

Very, uh, "creative". Can you picture the conversation that led to this cake order?

"We need a cake for Bob."
"Ok, what does he like?"
"Beer."

I have a friend who used to drink orange juice with his chocolate cake, but I'm pretty sure even he would agree that drinking beer with cake is just wrong. Blech.

And while we're on the subject, let me wrap up with a little PSA: folks, tonight when you're out partying, please think of others. Please, don't drink and decorate. Don't let this happen to you or someone you love:

[shaking head sadly] Granted, it was considerate of the wreckerator to provide little bottles of "blur vision"for those unfortunate souls who will have to EAT the cake, but that hardly excuses the drunken airbrush weaving, the gold and purple shoelaces, or the [closing eyes] margarita candles. Not to mention the mystery foam, construction-paper lettering, or bizarre green-striped chocolate "ladies". Yikes. So remember: this New Year don't get mad, get C.L.A.D.D. (Cake Lovers Against Drunk Decorating).

By the by, I verified that this was indeed listed on a "professional" bakery's website. A website which, oddly enough, is no longer operational. Go fig.

Hey Jason T., Lynn B., Corianna L.,Kati B., and Marnie P.: if you didn't come to party, don't bother knockin' on my door.

Why You Don't Raid Other People's Refrigerators

[opening fridge] "Hey Sarah, you got any bee...AAAAUUGGHHH!!!!"


For those of you who would otherwise insist on knowing the whys and wherefores of this photo, here's what submitter Sarah M. had to say for herself (yes, she's the baker):

Subject: I swear I do get paid for making cakes

"The attached however was for a friend's surprise birthday party at a Chinese restaurant and since the birthday girl was born in the year of the rat, well I thought a giant rat cake would be appropriate."

Good thinking. Rats as a whole get far too little face time in the world of cakes.

"However my air conditioning failed halfway through the process and the butter cream icing began to destabilize and well all I could save was the head with the light up eyes."

Yep, see that tin foil "tail"? It's electric!

"The recipient of the cake claimed to my face it was the best d**n thing she had ever received.

- Sarah (I have more talent than this) M."

Sarah, I think I speak for everyone here when I say: you really need to buy better beer. Is that Miller Lite I spy in the door? Tsk, tsk. Oh, and also: we should all be so lucky to have friends make us electrified rodent heads for our birthday celebrations. Right, guys?

Grandpa's Order

"Sweetie, I get the feeling your father has been a little impatient for us to have a boy."
"Why do you say that, hon?"
"Oh, you know, all the baseball equipment for the girls' birthdays..."
"They loved those!"
"And the football helmets..."
"Once we painted the tiaras on they wore them all day."
"And you know earlier, when we told him we were having a boy this time? I'm sure that back flip couldn't have been good for his arthritis."
"Oh, he was just being cute, is all. I'm sure the thought of us having a boy is no more exciting for him than the thought of our having another girl."
"Riiight. Have you seen the cake?"
"He bought a cake?"

[silence]
"Er. Does he think we're naming the baby Finaly?"
"That's supposed to say "finally", dear."
"Oooooh."
[more silence]
"So, do you want to tell him we were joking, or shall I?"


Amy W., I'd wait 'til after the cake was served.

Sunday Sweets Assignment

Ok, my trusted Wreckporters, your assignment this week is: Fantasy.

I'm talking trolls, fairies, dragons, kraken, anthropomorphized plant life, and yes, even unicorns (I'm drawing the line at tutus, though). As with all Sunday Sweets, these cakes do NOT have to be professionally made. You can search bakery websites, public image hosting sites like Flickr, or use Google image search. You can also submit your own cakes. Send them to me at Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com, and be sure to include the image source so I can credit the baker.

Happy hunting!

Have a suggestion for a Sunday Sweet Assignment? Leave me a note in the comments!

NOTE: Please don't leave image links in the comments, guys: e-mail them to me instead. Thanks!

Winter Wonderland Sweets Continued

Here are some more amazing cakes you readers have submitted for the "Winter Wonderland" assignment.

Emily S. made this for her work's Christmas party:

Although those snowflakes are lovely and delicate, my favorite bits are the marshmallows and "steam" rising from the cup of cocoa. Why can't every workplace have someone like you, Emily?

Sarah W. was the first to submit this one from Highland Bakery, where the decorators prove that not all airbrushing is evil:

I don't think I've ever seen shading done so skillfully. Love it.

Miki W. found this electric addition:

You wouldn't think a string of lights on a cake would look elegant, but Dianne Rockwell (aka "The Cake Lady") really managed it for this wedding cake. Don't those snowflakes look like porcelain?

Here's the one you guys submitted the most, from Pink Cake Box:

Super cute. Thanks to Heather, who I think was the very first to send it in.

Here's one from the creator of the very first Sweet I ever posted: Mike of Mike's Amazing Cakes:

I almost feel chilly just looking at this; those snow-dusted pine needles are simply perfect.

And lastly, here's a gorgeously detailed bridal shower cake from She Takes the Cake:

Click on the photo to see the larger version: the lace work and ribbon are truly incredible.

Thanks again to all of you who submitted nominees for the Winter Wonderland assignment; I'm just sorry I couldn't include them all! Stay tuned for your next theme assignment!

Goy Gaffes

(Ok, so the assumption that these were NOT made by Jews is a leap, I know, but can't a girl hope?)

"A Star is (Not) Born"

Yes, technically a Star of David is two triangles intersecting, Bugsy - but not like this. And I think you can lay off the "poiple" icing now, too.

"The Teal Tornado"

As you can see, this traditionally-colored flaming whirlwind knocked the wording about and blew the second 'k' clean off. Of course, if for the sake of argument we called this a "menorah", then it's also missing a candle. The fact that the "candles" look like Christmas trees is just the icing on the, er, cookie. Mazel Tov!

And last but not least,

"The Religiously Confused"

How much you wanna bet this bakery has a bin of "Christmas Stars" in the back?


Thanks to Ebony W., Shanna M. and Frank R.!

Kwanzaa Will Not Be Spared

I made an exception before to include a Sandra Lee creation here on Wrecks, and I'm afraid I have to do so again. How could I not share this bit of holiday cheer with you all?

Yes, those are corn nuts on the edges, although Lee calls them "acorns". There's also canned apple pie filling, cinnamon chocolate icing, pumpkin seeds, and of course the giant taper candles. Here's a handy diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy (which offers it as a poster or on t-shirts) in case you didn't catch all that:
If you want to watch Sandra work her magic you'll find the official video (with commercials) here, or watch a low-quality Youtube version here.

But wait, there's more! While I was digging around looking for more Kwanzaa Wreckage online (note: there is none) I uncovered a hilarious photo-documentary by Flickr user Kitty LaRoux of her and a friend (aided by an indeterminate amount of bourbon) attempting to recreate the cake. (Her blog post on it is hilarious, too.) The official recipe online includes popcorn in addition to the corn nuts and pumpkin seeds, so the end result - sans candles - ends up looking something like this:

The title of this photo is "We have to eat it?", and the reaction shot after she tries it is pretty priceless. I'm guessing it tastes as bad as it looks, Kitty?

Now, before you guys start complaining that this is not technically a Wreck, let me just say I can only work with what I'm given, alright? I haven't found ANY other Kwanzaa wreckage out there. In fact, I'm starting to think that this African festival of First Fruits is somehow anti-cake; that, or they're being made extremely well and kept in strict seclusion. Here's hoping that next year wreckerators will step it up. ;)

In So Many Words...

Today's Wrecks speak for themselves. Or at least attempt to.

I find myself wishing this said "holladay", just so I could work in a lame Gwen Stefani reference. But since I'm just a girl (in the world), I guess I'll leave that up to you guys.



Now that's a stingy well-wisher.



What's worse: making this cake, or serving it to all your employees at the company Christmas party?


Ignorance can be beautiful. Unless of course this snowman is named "Happe", and belongs to someone named "Holidey".



"Mercy" is right; get a load of what Rudolf is holding!

[singing] "I'll have a POO Christmas, without youuuu..."



"Let it is snow"?


Careful; buying this cookie "cake" may enter you into a binding legal contract.

And lastly, an oddly emphatic proposal:


Christnos, you sly dog, you, I bet you get this cake for all the girls. [wink]

In case these failed to get the message across: Merry Christmas, all. May your day be sweet and utterly wreck-less .


Many thanks to holiday Wreckporters Jenn S., Irene D., Bergen W., Todd T., Abby, Jennifer L., Jessica C., and Angela M.!

Santa Gets the Shaft

We've already seen some flagrant Santa-abuse this year, but here's a Christmas count-down of some more ways the big guy gets no respect.

We start off with your no-frills decapitation (under dome), courtesy of Giovanna B.:

This isn't horrendously wrecky, but it looks exactly like the bleach-bottle Santa crafts my grandmother used to make, so I had to post it. Here, I found a picture of one over on Thrifty Fun for reference:


Next there's the beret-wearing, chin-melting, something-seriously-wrong-with-the-whiskers incarnation:

Huh - I've never seen a handlebar mustache grow all the way around the nose like that, Shelby B. You think it's a French thing?

And speaking of disturbing facial hair, it looks like Mrs. Claus needs to get her hormones checked:
Maybe she's born with it, Darla D. (Maybe it's Maybelline.)

Apparently Deon M.'s local decorator didn't get that new CCC Puzzle pan from Santa this year, and decided to lash out the only way s/he knew how:

Poor Santa. You'll thank him later, dear wreckerator; he's only saving you from yourself in the long run.

Suzanne G., this next little holiday vignette makes me feel a song coming on:

Here goes - y'all feel free to join in, now:

"Santa got run over by a snow plow,
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve,
You may say there's no such thing as Santa,
But once you see this stain you may believe."

"No respect! I get no respect around here! That's a lump of coal for you, Jen! And why the *%&! do I never get a proper nose, anyway? Is it so hard to give me a frickin' little nose?!? Huh? I just - I'm so - I can't even talk to you anymore! Geez. Somebody get me a hot cocoa."

I'd fetch that right away, Alden M.

Yes, Let's!

Baffling inscription?
Check.
Atmospheric pollution?
Check.
"Rotisserie Chicken" label?
Check.
Excess punctuation?
Check, check, check, and check check.

Looks like we're covered, Heather K.!

Totally Cheating

In yet another blow to true cake artists everywhere, many large chain bakeries are now "decorating" cakes almost exclusively with plastic flotsam. In theory, this means the "decorators" require even less skill, and therefore will wreck less cakes. That's the theory, anyway.

Well, Kelinda S., I guess we can't complain too much here: so long as the decorators don't put the feet on backwards, there's really not much they could do to wreck this design up.

Wait, did I say put the feet on backwards?

Ok, so these designs are still wreckable, as Jen S. discovered with Thunder Thighs Santa here. Though to be fair, maybe the decorator's thumbs DO face that way - that might explain a lot, actually...*

Some of these plastic cheats are deceptive. For example, at first glance Lyndsay W.'s find looks like a really well-made Santa suicide scene:

(Yes, of course Santa bleeds sprinkles. Duh.) However, that head is actually plastic. It's even kind of cute, compared with the nightmarish clown-head-picks all us Wilton vets know so well.

Of course, other plastic cheats can be just a smidge more obvious, as Amy D. discovered:

Attention Bakery Managers: you may want to post some instruction photos for these cheat kits. You know, to avoid the whole upside-down-nose-and-mustache thing.

What, you can't tell it's upside down? Here, I'll show you:

See? Santa went from sad & droopy to only mildly consternated. Much better. Also, if this Wreck isn't proof that wreckerators are addicted to their airbrushes, I don't know what is. I mean, it looks like someone attacked Santa with a machete! Two words, guys: "Inter" and "Vention". [earnest head nodding]

As someone who enjoys wrapping gifts so much that I actually *d0* wrap empty boxes just for funsies, I find this next one from Brian D. especially horrifying:

That's REAL non-matching ribbon on the lumpy green square thing edged with ketchup ooze on the round cake board. And did I mention the ribbons don't match? [shudder]

But then, Brian M. reminds us that in this season of extravagance it's often the little things that can bring the most joy:

Even better: the package next to this one also has the "oh oh oh"s. Score!!!


* Ok, yes, I suppose your thumbs would be on the outside if you bend your arms at the elbow. And yes, it took me about 45 seconds of thumb twisting experimentation to figure that out. :)

Sunday Sweets: Winter Wonderland

Wow - when I asked you guys to help me find the best Winter Sweets out there, I clearly underestimated how seriously you take your CW duties. Excellent work, evil henchmen/women/children!

Due to the overload of submissions, I had to be pretty selective in choosing which ones to feature. A lot of you sent in some really adorable cupcakes, but I stuck with cakes to whittle down the choices. I also looked for ones that fit the theme best - and, of course, I only picked my personal favorites. (But that goes without saying, right?) So, without further ado, here are the best Winter Wonderland cakes the 'net (and you readers) has to offer. Enjoy!

Tonia (and many others) submitted this beauty from Dahlia's Custom Cakes:

Gorgeous.

Hagar R. found this sweet ice-skating fairy from a baker in Israel:

She's sitting on rock candy! The baker's name is Yud, of Yud Creative Pastry (fyi: the site is written in Hebrew).

Alex R-F found this wedding cake from Let Them Eat Cake:

I used to do paper-cuttings as a hobby, and this reminds me of all that intricate design work.

Diana T. found this little guy who, believe it or not, was NOT made by a pro:

The hat! The flowers! The FLIPPER SPATS!!! [swoons]

As you can see from the text, this was the baker's final project for her Wilton class. Now, I've taken all the Wilton classes, folks, and I can tell you they do NOT teach you this level of skill! So, Themie from Deviant Art, I tip my hat to you.

Sherry found one for you minimalists out there:

Simply exquisite. It's by Nicky of Small Things Iced, where she also has some drop-dead-gorgeous cupcakes.

Since I still have lots more Winter lovelies to share, I'll be continuing the Winter Wonderland theme through next Sunday. Check back then for more iced goodness, and stay tuned for your next Sweets assignment!

Ye Olde Yuletide Ax

Prepare your retinas for an assault of Christmas-time proportions:

Jami H. assures me there's actually cake under that mess. A mess, I might add, which is completely inedible - except for the frosting dots on the plastic aquarium sprigs, of course. So let's see: we've got trees, icicle garland, holly berries and leaves, and a shiny gold...ax?

Srsly - who plans this stuff?

When Gangsters Go "PC"

"Bugsy, whaddaya doin'?"

"Just decoratin' this here Christmas cake, boss."

"Bugsy, you can't write "Christmas" there - it's gonna offend somebody! An' don't call me 'boss'."

"Sorry, boss. Can I write 'happy holidays'?"

"Nah, dat'll offend people who don't celebrate no holidays."

"Can I just use red and green icin' and not write nuthin'?"

"Bugsy, ya knucklehead, think about it: red and green say 'Christmas', see? S'no good. Use a lotta blue - but not blue and white, mind, 'cause dat's all Hanukkah-like. Maybe try blue and poiple."

"Yeah, but what do I write, boss?"

"I dunno; Lil' Antony said it's just gotta be 'completely non-offensive-like, says nuthin' of substance, and don't reference no holidays.' Oh, and it can't start wit' 'happy' or 'merry', neither - people might think we're forcing our 'emotional views' on 'em, whatever da heck dat means."

[sigh] "Ok, boss."

"Don't call me 'boss'."

Wow, Tanya C., I'm getting filled with the holiday spirit just looking at this. I think the underline really sells it, don't you?