Friday, May 27, 2011

Confectionary Compensating

Friday, May 27, 2011

Men, we need to talk.

Ladies, if you could just give us a minute? Thanks.

[tapping foot while 99.6% of readership leaves the room]

[whispering] Right, then. Listen, guys. I know some of you might be "concerned" that your bride-to-be has had wedding cake in the past. And yes, she probably has!

Hey, some girls have had lots of wedding cake.

And sure, ok, maybe they were fairly large cakes.


Maybe they were even huge cakes.


But that doesn't mean she won't be satisfied with a perfectly average-sized cake!

(Ok, you can't see her face - but I'm sure she's thrilled.)


So even if your wedding cake seems a bit small and overgrown...


Or perhaps leans to the right...


Or even has a little trouble staying upright...


...the important thing is to remember that your bride loves you, no matter what. The cakes of the past are the cakes of the past! No matter how massive and sweeping and awe-inspiring they may have been.

Er...

And if all else fails, you can always buy a Ferrari.


Thanks to Kimber M., Anony M., Julia H., Tessa D., Adrienne H., Jamie, Rachel O., and Anony M., who can come back in now.


-------------------------------------------------------




The Miller Five said...

OMG...this post is absolutely hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

Funny post, John! It's not always the size of the cake that matters, but how it tastes and how it makes the woman feel! ;-)

wv: essious. The cake is (del)essious.

Janet said...

Bwahahaha. It's not the size of your wedding cake, it's what you do with it. Do not mash it into a woman's face, nor should you share it with too many people. Hey, I love big wedding cakes, but I like cupcakes just as much, maybe more. When it's in a small package, the baker tends to put more thought into it.

BB, Miami said...

How do you even serve those ginormous ones? With a cherry-picker?

SuBee said...

The first cake (?) reminds me of the game, "Tip It." Does anyone remember "Tip It?" Perhaps that's what they were going for.

As for cake number 6: I would never stand for a cake that leans to the right.

SuBee said...

OH Anonymous (9:34,) you made my day.


WV: Cacon: Every bride should have a beautiful cacon her special day.

David Plass said...

Hey, why did you say that 99% of your readership is female? This male has LOL'ed at more than one of your posts.

(Captcha: tablamel. Jen, I think you can find a use for that word.)

Amy'sMom said...

The happy couple in the second photo look like Oompa Loompas. That may well be a very small cake.

Ellen said...

Oh, my!

That fifth one needs some cake-scaping.

Looks like none of these were Jewish weddings.

Hey, :::adjusting tie::: I'll be here all week -- be sure to tip your waitress!

Ellen said...

Oh, and it's not the size of the cake, it's the motion of the fork.

Ok, so it doesn't rhyme . . .

john (the hubby of JEN) said...

David,

We totally have guy readers. We're just in the very, very small minority.

john

Stephanie M said...

Wow. Who gets to climb to the top of those cakes to fetch the last piece. I agree SuBee, it does look like tip-it. But when I saw it, I was mostly just picturing an America's Funniest Video's moment of disastrous proportions.


wv: pressiv. I have to admit, that last cake was pretty (im)pressiv

Anonymous said...

SuBee...I'm glad I did, although not sure why...

By the way, you won't stand for a cake leaning to the right, what about laying down for one? ;-)

wv: tabriz - watch out for tabriz (the breeze) as the cake falls!

Anna said...

Oh this post was good, but Ellen's comments (9:54 & 9:56) had me crying...

Great beginning to the first weekend of summer vacation.

iCowboy said...

Are you sure that last one is a cake? Something that size and shape billowing clouds of white smoke is more likely a North Korean missile being prepped for launch.

Anonymous said...

My sister's getting married this weekend, so I was planning to send her a link if any cakewrecks this week were wedding related. However, now that I've seen it, I don't think I'm comfortable sending it to her (or especially to her groom). Very funny, though!

Summer S said...

Innuendo + cake = my favorite thing. Thanks for filling my head with cake... really, really big cake.

BillyBites said...

Haha, these cakes are unreal

Anonymous said...

XD lolol nice use of launguage to get the message across

Anonymous said...

Um, did you notice on the average sized cake the bride and groom toppers standing back to back? Funny!

ninja dude 12 said...

Ooh I'm a minority on cake wrecks :)

mizdarlin said...

Having created a few wedding cakes in my nefarious past, I cna guarantee that there is definitely some envy going on..and the size of the cake is the least of it..but funny, funny post...especially that last one that seems to be almost orgasmic in its fog o' love...tough to compete with that one...

Amanda Mac said...

ROF-stinkin-L....

This is even funnier b/c of an inside joke among some of my guy friends that you should never let your bride eat wedding cake, because she'll only want to, erm, get fiesty on the wedding night, and NEVER AGAIN. lol

TJ said...

The black sperms are definitely an issue.

Jenna said...

That smoke machine'd wedding cake made my husband exclaim: "Smoke machine and wedding cake? Remember when Homer Simpson wanted to invent the Electric Blanketmobile? It's like that!"

Caroline B said...

I don't care what size or shape your cake is mate, just don't festoon it with ferns, that's just nasty!

wv:grotmac....what they'll need to wear in that last picture when that thar cake blows!

Sharyn said...

John (the hubby of JEN,)

Your post brought tiers to my eyes.

Oldish Lady said...

Are you sure that third one is a cake? It looks like something you'd force on a bridesmaid.

sara said...

I think that last one has SMOKE comming out of it, careful that may be transmitable.

Fitting the bride is wearing a kamono, I think you can only get that problem in Bankok

Heather Smith said...

...or you could buy a Humvee and hang a set of Truck Nuts off the back, like my ex-husband. Ahem.

flying gargoyle said...

Great post. Cake double entendre is always delicious. ;^)

I am just wondering when it became necessary for cakemeisters to have a degree in civil engineering. I mean, just LOOK at the size of those cakes! What goes into keeping some of those humongous ones upright? Do they build them onsite? Do you need a building permit? (And what about...Naomi?)

MissNay said...

*facepalm*

mel said...

A friend of mine solved his problem by simply saying to his intended, "See, Alice...."

wv - readi: see above post

BnE's Mommy said...

All I've got is...wow.

Lexi Podolski said...

Best. Ever.

hartman said...

john -- I almost peed my pants I was giggling so hard! Thanks for the laugh! :)

Anonymous said...

I like only just discovered this blog, and I've gotta say, this is hilarious! XD
I actually saw some little cupcake monstrosities in my local bakery; they were covered in icing that had been molded into looking like a dog, and then someone plopped a graduation hat on 'em. I wish I took a picture!

Craig said...

0.4% of the readership, eh? No matter how accurate that may be, I'm...never mind.

#1 What a cool idea -- everyone gets their own cake!

#2 Not bad, except for being, you know, large. What's the deal with the small auxiliary cake off to the side?

#3 Superman decided that getting hitched at the Fortress of Solitude was not such a hot idea. In fact, it was a bit of a non sequitur.

#4 "I knew I shouldn't have said, 'We'll take that one' when I was shown the sample at the Literal Bakery."

#5 Oh ick. I can smell the potpourri. Probably tastes like it, too.

#6 Uh...

#7 I hope that one isn't a metaphor.

#8 Now that's cool. It has like cold vapor coming off it and stuff. Is it going to lift off? That would be totally awesome!

Amy said...

This reminds me of the bumper sticker, "Nice Truck! (Sorry about the small penis)"

SaraCVT said...

It is a little known bit of Hollywood trivia that, on the old "Honeymooners" show, when Jackie Gleason used to roar "To the moon, Alice," he was fondly remembering their wedding reception where they HAD been launched into orbit with the assistance of just such a cake.

(The More You Know Star PSA theme plays here...)

Mrs. Momo Foster said...

Good stuff! Aw man, I did a wedding cake not too long ago and had a disaster! I should have taken a picture to send to you. Luckily they were good family friends and we worked it out.

Suphred said...

Oh! I had to look again, and again, but I thought the first cake had a Santa face at the top.....lol
And maybe on that last one it's really tulle, not smoke? Maybe? .....I hope?

wv: tatedg - That lacy stuff my dad used to make (tatting) used as decoration on a pillowcase - "That pillowcase has a pretty tat-edg....

Mama Wild Bear said...

The size of cake #4 is the least of that girl's problems. She's got to live down those sleeves for the rest of her life!

Teeth Cleaning West Hollywood said...

I'm always amazed on the size of cakes that people have in their weddings. I mean, sometimes there is more cake then there are people! But I'll give credit where it is due, having a smoke effect on your cake just makes you awesome.

Abby

Siouxzr said...

For # 3 did the couple come in and ask the baker for a cake that looked like a cactus mated with a unicorn horn and appears to be wearing a white satin skirt?

If it is actually the traditional wedding cake of Belgium I apologize for my ignorance in advance.

WV: ergast "I heard ergast at the size of the wedding cake."

Anonymous said...

Small and overgrown had me LOL'ing!!!

Herouth said...

[sigh]

@iCowboy - what is a North Korean missile doing launching from Japan?

@sara - it's callad "KImono". It's a traditional *Japanese* outfit. The groom is wearing one, too. And Bangkok is in Thailand, not Japan.

Sorry, I really had to defend the traditions of the Land of the Rising Sun. Even if having huge cakes is not exactly what the Japanese are known for (nudge nudge, wink wink).

Anonymous said...

This rocks in a way few things in the world have ever rocked before!

sendingtheclowns said...

The Towering Inferno Cake just needs to have little fondant victims jumping off the top into little tulle nets.

@John : "We're just in the very, very small minority"? Meaning the minority are very very small?
WHY are guys SO obsessed with size? My ex used to say, "anything more than a mouthful is a waste" (WHEN TALKING ABOUT CAKE.)
=^O-O^=
Anyone else see The Last Days of Pompeii in that collapsible cake?

Jessica said...

wv: stedi
Some of those cakes are not stedi.

LatinMama said...

@flying gargoyle- Lol!! Electric company reference!!!

I thought the asians' couples cake had tulle on it. Smoke is much more impressive.

Captain Obvious said...

hahaha it's like you're using wedding cakes as a metaphor for penises

msyendor said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAH *choke. sneeze* HAHAHAHAHAHA ....

Sorry. It's not you, guys. Really. *snort* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No Cake Fo' You!! said...

That was great,,,, oh and by the way I didnt step out the room... *sticks out tongue*

Have a great holiday weekend!

Laury said...

See, this is the problem with our world today. You don't need to even have tasted the cake to be constantly comparing. Back in the old days you'd maybe see one or two wedding cakes - and that might be you best friends cake, or your siblings cake - before you got your own. Now the internet has made it possible for you to look at cake from anyone's wedding from anywhere in the world! Can't we all just be happy with the cake we're given?

wv "fingshe" - I think the wedding planner was using the ancient art of 'fingshe' when stepping up the photo for that last cake.

Jenni Robinson said...

I think steam rising from a cake is very traditional in China....Just saying.

Anonymous said...

It might just be that I have a complete lack of a dirty mind but I totally didn't get the innuendo until I started reading the comments. x3 Then I re-read the post and found it much funnier. =3 The "small and overgrown" is the best.

wv - coning, what the chef did to the first cake before decorating it (cone)

Anonymous said...

A HA!!! The newest alternative to plastic flotsam for hiding a wreck... buy yerself a FOG MACHINE!!!
Or, alternatively, serve a lot more alcohol and make the fog a perception rather than a reality! Niiiiiiiice!

wv- berachea as in, "I'll berachea waiting with baited breath for the next edition of Cake Wrecks... I'll jus'be standing rachea... right ovah hea"

Jeffrey said...

I just wanted to say that I appreciate the too infrequent Male Bonding CW posts hosted by John (The Hubby of JEN).

You think maybe some of those were Tim Allen "Home Improvement" More Power Cakes?

Corri Anne said...

Thank you cake wrecks...once again I have snorted in the breakroom. My co-workers think I'm crazy now- and I can't show it to them because this is soo not work appropriate.

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. Ever.

sendingtheclowns said...

Sorry, Laury~

I just can't help but paraphrase, in the spirit of the occasion:

"You don't need to even have tasted the (*BLEEP*) to be constantly comparing...you'd maybe see one or two (*BLEEP*) - and that might be you best friend's (*BLEEP*), or your sibling's (*BLEEP*)- before you got your own. Now the internet has made it possible for you to look at (*BLEEP*) from anyone's wedding from anywhere in the world! Can't we all just be happy with the (*BLEEP*) we're given?"

Well, I made myself giggle, anyway.

Onward and upward!
=^~.-^=

Morgan said...

Are we males really such a tiny minority of CW readers? I find this hard to believe. Men love cake, and also hilariously terrible things.

Evidence: obesity epidemic, WWE.

Cirt said...

My groom and I decided to pull a fast one on all the people who were expecting us to smoosh the cake into each other's faces.

We sliced two massive pieces, held them up, grinning, and slammed them down on the table behind us, splattering the gathered, aghast crowd.

Smeelgova Badger-thrower

Crystal @ Cake Decorating Mom said...

LOL, count my husband as one of your new readers! I just found your blog a few days ago and my husband stayed up last night reading your blog saying, "omg look at this cake". lol.

Anonymous said...

John, I'll assume asking us female types to leave was facetious. As a married man, I'm sure you know that while men will never stop to ask for directions, we women will never stoop to following them (if given by a man, anyway). :D

BTW, did anyone else see teapots in some of these cakes? (waggles eyebrows)

-Barbara Anne

Could someone work on this for me as I can only get so far with this thought: it's not the size of the innuendo, it's the motion of the notion.

Michelle .K said...

I hope you're not mad, but I didn't leave the room. But am I Kimber.M??? Or is there another one out there? Thats sooooo freaking awesome if its me.

Arlene said...

Holy moly.. who on earth could make that first cake without ten ladders and a prayer? Who for that matter needs that much cake lol. You can never really have too much cake but that is just coma inducing to say the least. Wow. I am dying of laughter here at the commentary too lol.

hyphen8 said...

LOL, "too much of a good thing is wonderful"...or not.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend, and I'm taking my camera, but I really, really hope the cake isn't worth of this site!

Tessa said...

Haha, that's my cake-- where you can't see my face but you're sure I'm thrilled... the really sad part is, THAT was the savior cake from a very accomodating grocery store bakery at the last minute. I went to pick up my $350 wedding cake from a "real" bakery... and found that it had apparently been done by a somnambulant six-year-old with a drinking problem.

(For the record, it's nearly 6 years later, and the cake he still gives me is juuuuuust right. ;-))

Word verif: soicadt. "SoICadt cake is adequate... but is there more underneath?"

Anonymous said...

The posts from this entire week just might be the best EVER.

Jay said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Julie said...

Does cake #3 have WHEELS on it? It looks like a huge phallic cake on top of Cinderella's carriage! Wow, fairy tales really CAN come true!

Liana said...

HA HA HA HA! I LOVE this! :)

Shirley said...

lol. I can't wait to see how many "I hate you now! I'm never reading Cake Wrecks again!" coments you will recieve.
For the record, I don't like this post as I think it is gross and innappropriate. But I absolutely LOVE 99% of the posts you do so I will never leave!

john (the hubby of JEN) said...

Shirley,

Actually, I think you're the first person who doesn't like the post. At least the first who's told us. Of course, I'm sure others just left forever but they don't tend to tell us about it.

Ah well. Can't please everybody.

john

archersangel said...

i think someone is totally over compensating for something with those too tall cakes.

Lulu said...

Jen this was one of your top 5 funniest posts, and that's saying a lot. Keep up the good work :D x

Craig said...

John, do you ever wonder who reads the 'posted by' line at the bottom? Just wondering.

By the way, I don't view CW for hours at a time, but not because of offense. Maybe my offense threshold is higher than that of some others, or maybe it's just that there are things happening in the world that truly are offensive and inappropriate, and not many take time out of their busy day to protest those. Irony can be pretty ironic.

jillb-ilslp said...

So funny, John! And don't feel badly about being in the very, very small minority. ;-)
And Captain Obvious made me snicker when I read his/her comment, thought "Duh!" and then caught the name. Perfect. Love it!

DOLCE said...

Wow... gotta admire the construction of the first cake .... how is it staying up ????

Wee Tait said...

Haha, we always said that it wasn't size that counts. This post just proves it.

Melissa H said...

You should know that, for the last cake, about 90% or more is not actually cake, it's rubber. In Japan it's kind of a novelty to have some western elements in the wedding, including the cake. The facilities that hold these weddings sometimes have these huge rubber cakes in store. The cakes have an empty "slice" at the bottom that they fill in with real cake, so that the bride and groom can cut into it, and get their picture taken.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha I loved the last one especially since my parents had exactly the same kind of cake at their Japanese wedding! I think when you cut it, smoke rises out of the cake.... kind of like those ninja smoke bombs that they use in the movies lolol. If you want to get a taste of Japanese weirdness, you should go to www.wtfjapanseriously.com for some offbeat videos... lol

Adriana Collins said...

The correct spelling is "confectionery", I'm afraid. Not sure if it has been mentioned in any other comments.
Maybe the cake wreckers' bad spelling is contagious? ;-)

-Adriana C, from Dublin, Ireland.

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Adriana Collins,

I don't think you're right in this case. Confectionery is a noun and means either a collection of sweets or a shop that sells them. Confectionary is the adjective of the word confection which is the way I used it. Unless I'm wrong. And I don't think I'm wrong.

Unless I'm wrong...

john

Anonymous said...

Cute! But, what is so funny about having a small wedding cake? I did because we had a small wedding......:)

Onikenbai said...

That last cake is fake. Standard operating procedure in Japan is that venues own a stupidly huge fake cake they rent out over and over again. Every wedding they just replace the two inch square bit of real cake that the couple cuts. They don't even eat the bit they cut, they just cut it and get a picture. It's one of the traditions from the west they've adopted but don't quite get.