Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Well Met, Helmet

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Apparently, there was a football game over the weekend. Or something. And while I care slightly less about football than I do about squirrel husbandry, I figured now would be a good time to talk to you about protection.

Er, of your heads, I mean. Not my squirrels' nuts. (Those are in the shed. Next to the zippers.)

So...helmets! For your heads! Except the cake ones, of course, which are for your mouth!

It's actually really hard to make a cake that looks like a helmet. There are all the doodads and thingamajigs and whoosywhatsits, and if you're not careful it just looks like a heap a' flimflam jibber jabber!

(Wow. I just turned into my grandfather)

First, let's have Mr. Floopers model a real football helmet for us:

"I hate you."

See? It's simple. Just wrap your cat in a towel, and you can get almost anything on his head.

Oh, and the helmet is pretty easy, too.

In fact, when you break it down artistically, you can see that it's really just a big tombstone with a snail on it:

RIP, Ravens.


Or a one-tentacled jellyfish:


Make sure your helmets are well-rounded, though.

"Comb the dessert!"


A well-executed cupcake cake (hooy-patooty!) is great for crushing the other team's spirit.

"Choppin' broccoli!
I'm choppin' brocolay-hay!
I'm choppin' broccoli!"



Why, just look at the terror in their eyes:


Or you could confuse them with the abstract method:

"And that little pile of poo is a fleur de lis!"

[other team's minds exploding]


You could also try a little more Sparta than Super Bowl:

Hey, a football field is 300 feet.


And remember, when all else fails, try the ultimate offensive play:

Peeping Tom Brady. [shudder]


Thanks to Tim M., Cassidy S., Hunter F., Molly M., Erica B., Dena G., Amy K., & Lisa K., who think someone really should tell Giselle.
Danger Boy said...

For the love of all that is holy, make them stop! These are like Nascar 200 mph wrecks!

Muria said...

I think the Razorbacks helmet, despite being a CCC (ptooey!), actually doesn't look that bad. I might have recognized it as a helmet without the Razorback emblem (ok, probably not, but then I'm not a football fan). Love the Dana Carvey reference!

Sharon said...

The yellow one...I have a hard time picturing anything but a one-eyed frowny face.

Did you notice in the last picture...the head of a snowman next to the head of Tom Brady? Is this some bizarre head hunters trophy case?

Sharon's Edible Art

Anonymous said...

These are just awful! How hard can it be to make a semi-round shape with an indention and a grill? I could do that on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I can't draw a straight line!

Jenny said...

Ummm, does that last one look like Harry Potter peeking out of the Patriots helmet? That was my first impression. Am squinting and still don't see Tom Brady.....

Fred said...

OK. I've been a fan for a few years now and while there has been some great amusement throughout, I’ve not been compelled to respond until now. What finally pushed me to it?

“…in the shed. Next to the zippers.”

Genius.

- Fred

mylittlecountry said...

What is most frightening is that the last cake is FORTY DOLLARS. That scares me the most. I wouldn't give five dollars for that atrocity.

manybellsdown said...

Choppin' Brocco-LAY!

I sing that every time I make broccoli. No one else understands why.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha... just wanted to say thanks for the Spaceballs and the Dana Carvey references. Totally made me giggle. :)

Gina said...

I case I didn't love you enough, you put a Dana Carvey AND a swing music reference into the same post?!

I love you in a totally hetero, non-stalking, un-creepy kind of way.

Angie said...

There's something wrong with these bakers. There really is.

Erin said...

Thanks for the Squirrel Nut Zippers allusion :o)

I cannot fathom what the giant cookie decorator was thinking...but sheesh! Sad. Very, very sad.

heather said...

I had a friend who used to sing the chopping brocolli song, but I don't know where it is from. I guess she didn't make it up?

Katie said...

You mean I'm not the only one who's heard of Squirrel Nut Zippers?

People look at me like I'm insane when I mention them.

I'd also like to watch Spaceballs now.

Anonymous said...

1. Poor Mr. Floppers.

2. I can't believe there was a Spaceballs joke in there.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Maybe Mr. Floopers would have been happier wearing a Steelers helmet?

What does it say beside the Razorback cake...GOO PIG SOOIE?

*snort* "Comb the desert" So, does that make Rothlisberger Dark Helmet? Rogers as Major A.....? Bwahahahaha XD

Then, if that wasn't funny enough...you had to bring up that Dana Carvey song.

Those made my morning - thanks!

The bug-eyed cakes look like other cats wearing helmets. Or their helmets are on way too tight.

My word verification describes the next cake: bogypou: The "fleur de lis" on the Saint's helmet looks like bogypou.

Peeping Tom Brady?! Creepy!! And $39.95? What's also funny is the snowball-with-a-face cake next to it.

Tricia L said...

Poor Mr. Floopers! Really surprised someone didn't lose a chunk of skin trying that.

I suspect the Tom Brady $39.95 cake will end up with one of those yellow "Manager's Special" tags tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Peeping Tom Brady! Ahaha!

Anonymous said...

Choppin' broccolay-hay-hay-hay-heeeeeeee!


I just realized how I haven't heard that in so long, at least since I started buying only pre-chopped frozen broccoli and stopped singing it to myself! :P I don't remember why Dana Carvey sang it on SNL, but I can still see him doing it. Where IS that guy lately, anyway?

RoseAnn said...

Dave Barry reference, FTW!

Debu-chan said...

Spaceballs FTW.

Mary said...

Wow, some of those are just scary.

Sandy C also in SoFla said...

OMG, these are sooo bad. And I got all the references. Own Space Balls and now will have that friggin song in my head all day... I'll go to the cafeteria and when asked what would I like, I'll have to stop myeself from answering broccoli.

Jen said...

Ha! The peeping Tom Brady one is awesome.

Captain Micah said...

Did you see the price of the peeping Tom Brady cake?! $39.95?! Who on earth would pay that much for a helmet cake, with a peeping tom?! Man, I'm in the wrong business, I tell ya.

Kimberly Chapman said...

Spaceballs and Dana Carvey in one post? *happy sigh*

Of course Carvey+football inevitably needs to "F**n' 49ers!"

Fluffy Cow said...

I guess it's just me, because after the head/nut references I did NOT read one "tentacled".

Yeah.

Stella said...

Zips Ahoy! That was the most amusing intro I've read in a long time. Thanks. No comment on the 'helmets'...

Penny said...

Loved the Dana Carvey reference!

salamandermuse said...

The yellow one looks like a frowny face with a head contusion. I guess he should have been wearing his helmet.

Anonymous said...

Love the Spaceballs references!

RIP Ravens. LOL

wv: capholo. is this related to helmets? like the wrecked version of baseball caps?

Mama-Beans said...

I got all of your funnies. Feeling decidedly nerdy and.......er..........similar.

madrobins said...

Can I just say that the photo of the cat in the helmet, coupled with the caption, made me laugh so loud I scared the dog?

Marcy W. said...

"And my lady, she went downtown. She bought some broccoli. She brought it ho-ome." Thank you, thank you for the Dana Carvey nod this morning. It made my crappy, crappy day slightly less crappy.

jessica said...

RE: the last cake:
if you take the edible image of Tom Brady out, the cake itself is not that bad. (and that's coming from someone is is not a patriots fan)

Amy C said...

My 4 year old daughter just asked me why that yellow girl with the brown bow was frowning.

Craig said...

I'm offended by what was done to that poor cat. At least I would be, except for two factors: a.) laughing too hard and b.) not being offended.

Wreck #1: How does one get a helmet out of that? It must be like one of those optical illusion things where one either sees a helmet or a tombstone with a snail, and which the person sees first determines how big the therapy bill is going to be (bigger for the helmet).

W2: I like how the flotsam logo completely saves this CCC (pbhhht!) from being a wreck. Or not.

W3: If helmets really did have side impact cushions, how much safer (and funnier) football would be.

W4: Are / were those cinnamon rolls? Decorating those should also be illegal.

W5: Okay...

W6: The Wally-world mascot has just about had it with all the flack the company has been getting here.

W7: A wreckerator's interpretation of the Mr. Floopers picture.

W8: Someone got a great deal on cake globes -- check out the 'snowperson' to the right. How does one even make a cake globe? Wouldn't the center be a disgusting mass of raw... never mind.

Deb said...

People, put down the spatula and back away from the kitchen. You are NOT qualified. Buyers should have their shopper cards revoked. These are just wrong although worth the "choopin' brocolllay" comment!

Brandi said...

Ugh! I appreciated the "comb the desert" reference, however. It made my day!

The Writing Goddess said...

Go Mr. Floopers & Green Bay!

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Craig,

I think you're awesome.

That is all.

john

Zazoo said...

Choppin' Huh!

JHill said...

If you buy one of these cakes, will the suits pick up the bill?

Christine said...

Oh lord make the CCC stop!

Although when I got to "Chopping Broccoli" I started laughing so hard I snorted chicken soup. Which actually looked better than most of these cakes. Hurt less than looking at the cakes though. So win-win!

mladybright said...

Poor Mr Floopers. Either that is one HUGE cat, or the helmet would fit a newborn?

ROFL!!! Totally laughed out loud at the "Comb the desert"!! Love a good Spaceballs reference - had t obe more, after the title. Have to admit in a cartoonish way, I liked the cookie helmeted guys. At least there was a positive ID.

I must be the only one in the dark on broccoli and Dana Carvey. Oh well, my education is sorely lacking without a television in the house.

Awesome, Fluffy Cow. I had the same word twist. Ah, these evil minded CW posts... always messing with my head.

Abstract method reminds me of a cartoon drawing... those Mr. and Mrs. people? It's Mr. Sad. Poor Mr. Sad. Someone threw poo at Mr. Sad.

The snowman head looks mildly angry at being in the same area as Peeping Tom. Not a bad helmet, but I have theimage of an astronaut's helmet, not one for football. Yes... outer space -- we should keep Peeping Tom where he belongs.

~~Di

Aliza said...

Mr Floopers does NOT look impressed! Although that is one cute cat.

#1 was decorated by a fan of the opposing team?

#2 this one is even worse than the Ravens cake!

#3 and #6 since one normally doesn't decorate cookies, and most of these giant cookies are decorated horrendously, can we pass a law that "thou shalt not ice a cookie"? And use these as models?

#4 is a Rorschach test. I'm seeing a yelling face, arms reaching out zombie-like and one heck of a strange hat/hairdo!

#5 Should I be grateful that I can actually recognize what these are supposed to be? Eye-poppingly shocking!

#7 it's sad when this is the best of the bunch

#8 Well, it's a recognizable helmet. And the design can be used to make snowmen heads. And by using a photo, it solves the whole some-staff-can't-draw-a-face challenge. Strikes me that this is a clever solution. But I wonder what they did with the chunk choopped out?

Karen said...

I don't know about you guys, but the first thing I thought of when I saw the yellow one was a sad female "happy face" crying tears of Mondrian.

Composition II in Red, Blue, and yellow anyone? ...anyone? Just me then?

*Chirp*

Miss Mindy said...

Good heavenly-days! I knew what the theme o' the post was but I still could not figure out what some of those were supposed to be, so very artistic were those reimaginings of "helmet". Or it might have been the tears of laughter clouding my vision, starting with Mr. Floopers' remark (and the insinuation of putting OTHER things on his head). So many references to so many things - nerd-vana! This is my BAD thanks to you. (and I still want to know about that Viking/dragonfly/flower cake from Sunday!)

Ashley said...

he he he... comb the desert... THANK YOU! My students are making me nuts today. I needed the smile.

Anonymous said...

Great post today!

Aliza, the missing piece of the helmet is in the freezer waiting for summer so it can be frosted as a watermelon slice and covered with plastic ants. Don't worry, it comes with a fork...

Becky

Anonymous said...

I must agree with Frank! I read the reference, thought about it, and 'lightbulb' got it! A most definite favorite while growing up!

SugarFreeSweety said...

And then remember the footballs? How do you make an oblong football out of circular cupcakes? I don't know, but here's an idea: carve an actual cake!

Halesbales said...

@ great references today!

"We ain't found s#!%!"

"My lady she went downtown....she bought some broccoli. She brought it ho-home....She's choppin broccoli"

Sarah said...

Thanks for the "Choppin' Broccoli" reference! I laughed hard remembering that!

Anonymous said...

I thought the "comb the dessert" ones looked like Beaker standing in front of a giant, uh, round headed lizard?

Also, I love that the yellow "fleur de lis" has a sticker on it that says "message cookie". I think the wreckerator's message is the same as your cat's (while wearing the helmet).

Yeah, I didn't get the Broccoli song either, y'all. Or the Nut Zippers. Off to do some "research"!

Andrea

Chrissy said...

As a football lover I wonder WHO on God's green earth buys these? Or makes them for that matter! And can I just say, I didn't know it was possible for my like for you to grow until you pulled out that Dana Carvey reference and I knew you will always hold a special place in my heart. *Grin*

kayk said...

R.I.P Ravens and terrorized Jets? You know more about football than you're letting on, Jen! Go Steelers!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE that someone else (actually, looks like MANY someones!) knows the 'choppin broccoli' song! And toss in a Spaceballs ref?!
WIN! .. unlike those cakes(?). Scary.

T said...

another non-football fan here... at least I got the squirrel nut zippers reference :)

(and the cakes are horrid as always - that's why I love ya!) (in a purely platonic way) (really)

Anonymous said...

Okay, I totally thought the first pair of cookies depicted men wearing tall white chef's hats. The second cookie - who knew that pac man played football?

Karen Valinda said...

FORTY DOLLARS?!??!?!?!!
Obvious which cake tripped me up!

Jillian said...

I actually kind of like the little round guys on the cookies. If you can't draw a helmet, cute caricatures are better than scary poop blobs any day.

Beth S said...

I love love love that "chopping broccoli" song and no one I know seems to remember it. I can always count on Cake Wrecks to make my day!! xoxo

Isolder74 said...

Are you sure the round yellow one isn't a Pacman that is now confused and lost?

KENNA KENNA said...

LOVE the Spaceballs reference :) You two are hilarious!

KENNA KENNA said...

LOVE the Spaceballs reference!!! Thanks for making me laugh! Cheers!

Anonymous said...

beaticSucre, a beautiful bakery and confectionery here in New Orleans makes phenomenal helmet cakes. I have seen them in person and they are gorgeous.
http://www.shopsucre.com/sweettalk/sucre-cheers-on-the-saints-with-helmet-cakes

Isolder74 said...

I think that the broccoli cake must be what happens when you ask Cpt. Picard to order a birthday cake for Barclay's birthday party.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for putting that song in my head, all day, on repeat! :D I guess he calls it "The Lady I Know." I call it "Choppin' Broccoli." I don't know why it's funny, but it is! I found the Dana Carvey SNL skit here, though, for those who wonder, or just want to see again:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4195/saturday-night-live-derek-stevens-chopping-broccoli

Anonymous said...

Ha! Now what do you have for Jon Lovitz?

Maura said...

Fleur-de-lis poo, or yellow smiley after getting punched in the eye?

Korrie said...

a "Spaceballs" reference! yOU ROCK!

Micalah said...

Show someone one of the pictures without knowing what it is. I did and she didn't know what it was.

Gayle said...

"Choppin' broccoli!
I'm choppin' brocolay-hay!
I'm choppin' broccoli!"

Yet another person who actually GETS this! I love it!!!

pretemoiparis.com said...

I like your Squirrel Nut Zippers reference, and I like your taste in music!

Erin said...

OMG we do the same thing to our cat with a Michigan helmet.

Star said...

If that is a real helmet, you have a HUGE CAT!

Evie said...

These are hideous! I'm now officially afraid to EVER make or post a football helmet cake.

Anonymous said...

A cat wearing a Pack helmet AND a reference to the Squirrel Nut Zippers? Jen, I am so in crush with you!

Pilgrim said...

Make it stooooopp!!!


Btw...mr floopers?!
You named your cat mr floopers?
Please tell me youre kidding.

pikkewyntjie said...

What a horrible thing to do to a cat! He was obviously rooting for the Bears!

I had to go back to see the Spaceballs reference and, yeah, it was worth it!

Reed said...

I soooo want to chop through the middle of Tom Brady's helmet! Let me at it!

Monica said...

The abstract one: Pac-Man. And I completely agree about football being slightly less interesting than squirrel breeding.

Happy Observer said...

She chop -uuh! Man, I thought I was the only weirdo on Earth who knew the broccoli song. Are we the same people who remember the Jackie Rogers Jr. $100,000 Jackpot Wad?

ladycrim said...

I loved all the references you got into today's post, from SNZ to broccoli!

Craig said...

Thanks, John.

The Mr. Floopers pic -- with caption -- should be a poster. And a t-shirt. And a cake. Ok, maybe not a cake. Who questions the name of the cat? What else could his name possibly be; have you ever seen a more flooperish cat?

I like that "fan of the opposing team" comment, @Aliza. I also support a ban on decorating cookies. And anything else that isn't cake. Ok, frosted brownies do rule. But just frosting -- no writing, flotsam, swimming 'balloons', etc.

What became of the missing globe piece. I would have said, "decorator's bonus" but @Anonymous Becky nailed it: 'watermelon' slice.

If cats have a favorite team (seems like contact sports would be beneath them with all that dirt & sweat), wouldn't it be the Tigers?

Priscilla Chuo said...

You guys never fail to crack me up!!!

Anonymous said...

I've squinted, turned my head, flipped the laptop around, and thought of taking an extra dose of my meds...but I don't think it would help. How do these look like helmets???

(squirrel nut zippers- freakin' awesome)

I completely love Frank, Fluffy Cow, Craig, and Isolder74 (ST:TNG FTW), in addition to Jen & John!!! (don't worry, I don't stalk- I just ardently admire from an appropriate distance as defined by the court system)

Now, on to watch the Dana Carvey skit. I love this website- screw Word of the Day like most sites- we get Song of the Day here!!

-Barbara Anne

Sami said...

I lol'd at the squirrel-husbandry line. Seriously, thank you for making me laugh today.

ali said...

I feel bad for the cat! He's staying still b/c someone's has some powerful arms or legs.

The head in the helmet cakes are freaky, like a disembodied head.

Jennifer said...

Thank you for the very appropriate Dana Carvey as Derek Stevens broccoli reference! That's one of my all-time favorite SNL sketches. The abstract yellow cake looks like a smiley face by Picasso... Do you think your kitty's expression could be at least partially in response to the hideous cakes you expose him to on a daily basis? I think Mr. Floopers should file for restitution.

Denise said...

$60 for a creepy peeping Tom Brady cake. Well, what do you say to that?!

Anonymous said...

Geeze... I don't know what to say abotu these. That Ravens 'helmet... is that supposed to be a parody or something of the team?

Googleing for GOOD football helmet cakes... I'll be sure to send you some links.

Arlene said...

Aww cute cat. I sure hope the cat didn't get revenge after the helmet came off lol. Now if I were to receive any of those cakes I would promptly chase the bakers with a helmet just to show them what the heck they didn't put on these cakes. Ugh scary.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I think that fifth cake is perfect.
http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/7674/inglipcake.png
Assuming this is the intended result, of course.

Balized: I agree, my lord. These cakes have to be seen to be balized.

Melinda said...

Man, not another Packers helmet!

lol

Should have been Chicago!

Lori said...

I'm still giggling at poor Mr. Floopers... and, sadly, wondering where I can find a Bears helmet to fit my Mr. Booty Kazoodie...

Anonymous said...

That poor, poor Jet... I wonder what he did to deserve such a fate

Anonymous said...

Nice Dana Carvey and Spaceballs references!!! Good laugh today!

Anonymous said...

On the broccoli-thingy, anyone notice the GIANT blob on icing on it? And why, oh why oh why oh WHY, did they put a photo on the last one!? that's worse than a CAKE head!!!
-B

S Ketne said...

Choppin' broccoli just made my day!

"And if I didn't know her...she'd be the lady I didn't know!"

Anonymous said...

It is STARING at me! *Whimper*
-B

Mandy said...

I have never in my life felt compelled to reply to a blog post.

But whoever created these monstrosities completely deserves the d and the a and the m and the n and the a and the t and the i-o-n.

mrspotts66 said...

comb the dessert! or desert. whichever fits. toooo funny.

furpurrson said...

Mr. Floopers is going to hurt you. I know that look well.

Anonymous said...

Good grief. I live in the heart of Patriots'-Land, am an actual Patriots' fan, and I wouldn't fork over $3.95, much less $39.95 for that Tom Brady helmet cake (is that what it is? really?)! That's awful. Please tell me that was for sale in Jets-Land... pretty please with buttercream on it?

Merry at Annie's Book Stop, Sharon, MA

Kerry said...

Every time I think you have posted the most ghastly cake ever made, why, I discover soon after that I was wrong. There is a limitless supply out there, limitless. Did you know this when you first started this blog?

Anonymous said...

squirrel nut's zippers...well played.

Kittie Cupcakes said...

My lady, she went downtown
She bought some ...broccoli
She brought it ho-ome

AnaDrol said...

Your cakes are hilarious. I like the touch of sarcasm and I bet they taste great.

Thanks for sharing.

Kathryn said...

Are they *seriously* asking $39.95 for the cake with Tom Brady's eyeballs peeking out?! Wow... That takes some (foot)balls! :-)

Letitia said...

oh dear. is there anyone in charge of any of these bakeries, or do they just select random people from the pickle aisle and say, "here, decorate a cake for us!!" sigh.

Jeri Ann said...

Thank you, thank you, and thank you for making the Dana Carvey concert joke! I always enjoy reading your updates, but tonight I REALLY needed some good laughs and you delivered brilliantly.

Tim said...

"Comb the dessert" and "Choppin' Broccoli" were the best comments to me. I love it when somebody else has an eclectic sense of humor.

calamityjane said...

oh, my sides, they ache...
hahaha... new swing *and* older saturday night live references made these that much funnier!
keep doing what you do!

Stephm said...

Mr Floopers looks like he's thinking "Son of a..they've got a camera." But the surprised beheaded football players really did it, mascara is ruined, sides hurt, thank you I really needed that. :)

Alyska said...

Thanks for putting Mr. Floopers in a Packers helmet!!! I'm a cheesehead so it made my day :) I've been thinking of converting my VW Beetle into a big Green Bay helmet. What do you think?

Anonymous said...

of the yellow thing, Quoth my daughter, "It's a sad pie"