Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Project Wreckway

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Cake expert, Tom Gann: "Pastry chefs, I am leaving you with five minutes to finish your cakes for this week's show. I'm egregiously consternated that some of you might not finish in time, but I am confident that you all have the Sturm und Drang to 'wow' me. Your desserts to this point have consistently been astrudently bralifiscent! So, make it work!"

{moments later}

Hilga Flan: "Designers, welcome to the runway. Your challenge this week was to design a cake where your only limit was your imagination. As you know, in baking, you're either thin or you're stout. Let's start the show."

Kelly: "I wanted my design to be whimsical and childlike, but still fashion forward."

Judge #1, Editor of Gourmet Cake Monthly, Mia Gonzales: "I don't get it. We wanted a high fashion cake, not an arts and craft project."

Judge #2, Founder of Cols Frosting, Daniel Cols: "Butterfly flotsam is SO last season."

Judge #3, Supermodel, Hilga Flan: "It's a hot mess."

*

Mikeal: "I'm not afraid of colour, and I love to stand out."

Mia: "Mikeal, I don't even know where to begin. I'm really beginning to question your taste level."

Daniel: "I agree with Mia; this is just painful to look at. There's way too much going on! The swirls... the ribbons... the flowers... the horses... the swirls... pick a theme and GO WITH IT!"

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Lindsay: "I love couture, so I wanted to keep my design elegant and chic."


Mia: "Lindsay, it's like you've never decorated a cake before in your life. This is... It's just... I am speechless."

Daniel: "I'm really not getting it. Is any of this even edible? If this is couture, get me out of the cake business, NOW."

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."

*

Frederick: "My design was inspired by my mother. She was a florist."


Mia: "More like, she was a BORIST. What a snoozefest."

Daniel: "I see how it was inspired by your mother. It's like, mother of the bride meets the spray paint department at K-Mart. And it's so matronly! What's with the stripes? I... I just don't get it."

Hilga: "I kind of like this one. It's like it's had a kiss from a rose."

Daniel: "Ugh... you would like this one."

*

Santiago: "I spent last summer in China, and it inspired me."

Mia: "Santiago, this is outstanding. I would take this cake to a party right now."

Daniel: "I agree. This is just stunning. I think the dragon is now, it's modern, it's hip. The kiwis and cherries are what's happening in cake decorating... it's really well thought out. Bravo."

Hilga: "Santiago, it's really hot. You're this week's winner! Congratulations! You will have immunity in next week's challenge, where you will all have 20 minutes to decorate a wedding cake while hog-tied and blindfolded."

Chasity B., Sue M., Alex N., Shawn B., Shana C., I recommend that you accessorize your designs thoughtfully; perhaps by adding some piping and a few more layers? (Get it? Cause there are layers and piping in both cake and clothes?) Seriously, make it work.
kayk said...

You captured the voice AND the spirit of the original perfectly! But what's with all the silver dragees? You might as well sprinkle cakes with real buttons; either way, some molar is going down. And if only the person who decorated that roses-in-a-baking-pan cake had stepped away from the airbrush (or used it thoughtfully)....

jo said...

there's a dragon? where? *squints*

oh, THAT. I though it was a ponytail to the face with the cherry eyes. okey dokey....

wv: ditcha. Ditcha see a dragon?

Trevor said...

Your PR sendoff for this was fantastic. And using "Santiago" for the guy's name was perfect. I actually misread it as Santino (I mean, if he were to do a cake, this would be it).

I say Bravo! and you should get a Lifetime achievement for this.

Ellen said...

Santiago, your cake has both a dragon and boobies!

FABulous!



WV - embean. Perhaps scattering a few legumes about would have helped the other cakes -- every cake can benefit from being embeaned.

Jessica said...

This is seriously the funniest entry ever on this site and probably one of the funniest food blog entries EVER! Bravo!

Cindy d said...

Possibly my favorite post of all time.

ania said...

HILARIOUS!!!!

Everything. I'm not even going to try to pick out my favorite parts.

And the winner? Spot on. I'm frequently left thinking, "Wait. What? Wait. They *all* agree that that's the winner? Wait. Okay. No, wait. Why don't they pick Uli*? I just don't get it. They're in some different space-time continuum."

Thanks for making me laugh :)

____
*(Yes, I've been out of it since Season 3.)

Anonymous said...

Wow....I was so blinded by all the colors on that cake I didn't even notice the horses till it was pointed out for me...

Karen Valinda said...

With today's choices, the cookie wins! what a mess
I agree that your presentation (impersonation) was spot on ;-}

A.J. said...

I'm so glad the designers used the plastic flotsam "thoughtfully." LOL. And I must be as strange as the PR judges, because I liked the carosel cake.

Donkaloosa said...

I kinda' liked the carousel cake, too, but I admit that I am a major sucker for carousels in any form.

Sandy C also in SoFla said...

This was AWESOME! I laughed out loud (I read this on my am break @ wrk and had tears.) I love project runway and you nailed it.

That last one... looks like it has 2 prickly or very wrinkly boobs.. It took me a minute to see that long thingy was a dragon. lol.

Bravo!

Wallflower Confessions said...

SQUEE!!! I love the PR reference!!!

"Kissed by a rose" reference... HILARIOUS!

Anne-with-an-e said...

Loved it! I totally had all of the judges' voices in my head while reading this. And the baffling choices they make (especially to someone who gets fashion even less after regularly watching) really does seem to reflect what goes on inside the head of some cake "artists." I have to say I'm a little disappointed that you didn't work in my new favorite Heidi-ism (from this past season): "hosh kaposh." Disregarding that, you definitely made it work!

coeurdechoeur said...

I totally read that with all of their voices. Great job capturing their speech patterns. And the dragon-boobie cake is quite revolting.

Annette said...

This may be my favorite post ever LOL. It brought tears to my eyes!

Make it work!

wv: hogness. The hogness of the dish was evidenced by a dusting of bacon bits.

Emily said...

I like how in the second one, the horses are going in different directions. From this angle it looks almost right, but then you realize that two of the horses would be going backwards.

Kelly said...

Loving the Durm Strang HP reference! Also loving the Project Runway dialogue as well! Thanks for giving me a great laugh to start out my day :)

Christine said...

Brilliant post! I loved the Heidi/Seal referencfe

The Boob Nazi said...

I love the "kiss from a rose" part hahaha.

JayC said...

OMG - Tom and Lorenzo need to see this entry.

dandy said...

Just perfectly captured! This is by far my favorite post yet. Brilliantly done.

SuBee said...

This post was beyond astrudently bralifiscent.
The fourth cake gave me a flashback.
I seem to remember wearing a plaid-rose bridesmaid dress sometime in the seventies. Same colors, too. It was indeed a hot mess.

Melissa T. said...

Excellent post. My 4 yr. old thought it was tuna around the "boobies" on the last cake. So, I guess they could be worse!

Bill's Bayou said...

The last cake looks like it's screaming. Oh, God, please kill that last cake and end the screaming. I can hear it. Make it go away. Screaming! Screaming!

Dani said...

Actually I liked the idea of the second cake. How cute to make it a merry go round. On the other hand the execution.....should be held at midnight.

Maureen said...

AWESOME narration today!!!
*standing, clapping enthusiastically**

Anonymous said...

HILARIOUS!! I could hear the voices of Heidi, Tim, Nina, and Michael while I was reading!

Elizabeth C. said...

Kelly - not a HP reference - Tim actually says that.

madrobins said...

For the love of God, what was that last thing? I mean, cake. Maybe.

The Judges and I always seem to disagree...

Little Lovables said...

haha!

I actually think the carousel idea was super cool... just executed very, very poorly!

I give this post a thumbs up!

Anonymous said...

Never posted before, but had to report my three-year-old's assessment of these cakes:

"It's painful and happy!"

Elizabeth K.
San Diego, CA

Loo-E Loo-I said...

I have never seen PR, but I imagine it's similar to other "reality/contest" show where the judges have you going "Huh? Really? Ugh."

Kelly's cake was a just a mess! At least make stripes look cool instead of throwing them on there like the flotsam butterflies.

Mikeal's cake was so darn busy! OMG too. many. colors. Eye strain!!!

On Lindsay's cake I'm guessing these are supposed to be Japanese characters of some sort? Why are there B-Bs on a cake (sarcasm)?

Had Frederick just left well enough alone, it would have been a nice cake. But nooooooo! He had to go and try his hand at airbrushing.

I immediately saw boobies on Santiago's cake. No wonder the judges liked it. They couldn't see past them to notice the dragon had poo-ears.

StephanieC said...

Waaaaaay too much shiny on the horsey carousel cake. I would worry about ingesting metallics.

Also? Dragon cake is terrifying.

Seriously??... Reeeally?..... Seriously?

Just sayin'.

missoularedhead said...

Where's the disclaimer? But I love it. (And on a side note, what were the judges thinking this past couple of seasons? Man…)

T said...

and now I'm re-evaluating a comment I got last week about my blog being "a hot mess"...

Darla @ Bakingdom said...

So hilarious! Loved this post!!

That second cake truly is a mash up of fashion and cake...what with all that inedible ribbon. BLECH!

I gotta say, I just don't get how there can be soooo many wrecks in the world, and I have never ONCE been fortunate enough to find one in person!

Anonymous said...

Never would have seen the dragon if you hadn't pointed it out. And I still think the dragon's horns look like jalapenos, not kiwi fruit!

On the other hand, you KNOW that some party of little girls somewhere are loving that carousel cake - if they can overlook the fact that two horses are facing backwards.

wv: insum. In sum, a fabulous post.

Anonymous said...

...this troubles me...

Kelli @ RTSM said...

Possibly one of the best Cake Wrecks posts ever!! LOVE IT! All the names are hilarious and the kiss from a rose reference made me laugh:)

Aliza said...

Oh, that was brilliant! You're also a Project Runway fan?! I think my boyfriend is going to be jealous over how much I love you :)

I do agree that the carosel concept had potential. In the hands of someone with decorating talent, that is.

The plaid roses one -- whomever did the reasonably good roses probably considered violence against the airbrusher. Then again, all-white was pretty wrecky

And the "winner"-- well, give them credit for impressive piping skills.
And it was a nice homage of Santino's over-the-top tacky designs.

Aida said...

Perfect and possibly my favorite post thus far! Bravo!

Carry on...

tina said...

Loved the Project Runway theme! I heard Heidi, Michael and Nina giving the critiques in my head! Bravo!

Sarah said...

On a Reality TV side note, did anyone see Top Chef Just Desserts where Zac described his anniversary cake as a cake wreck? I felt bad for the guy but... Awesome!!!

Jen said...

My favorite post ever! I am at work and have tears running down my face from trying to not literally LOL. Brilliant job!

Anna said...

HAHAHAHA! Awesome! I love it when I get to experience a mash-up of my favorite things. You captured the spirit perfectly.

Kerry said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one devoting valuable minutes of my life on Thursday nights to Project Runway. Ha! There are many of us!

My personal favorite here is Lindsay's effortlessly cheap, err I mean chic, over-the-top cake. I wish somebody would give me a cake like that.

Kit said...

Ahh the Santiago cake, I'm sure everyone will want cakes like that after seeing its brilliance...or something.

I think the carousel cake had potential. It just had too much going on and in such unappealing colors.

Angela said...

Brilliant! Bravo!

BADKarma! said...

Give credit where it's due: The icing roses on that second one ARE really pretty. The rest of it is horrible, but the roses are pretty.

WV - dianized: Resembling the ensemble Princess Di wore on her wedding day, but not in a good way.

:::b r a n d i::: said...

ok, as a huge fan of PR, this post rocks!!!

VeRaY said...

:o) :o) :o) :o)

LKT said...

OK, that is superb. Nailed it. Just...awesome sauce.

Clara J. said...

It takes a lot for the online world to make me laugh out loud, but this site makes it happen it so often.....props to Number 1 for nailing the judges!

lisa aka sambycat said...

what about andre?

Maura said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! This so perfectly describes last season!

Your blog has won immunity (no, really, that's a compliment).

Jennifer said...

Love this post so, so much. As a lover of your blog and PR it was the perfect blend of awesomeness.

Aviatrix said...

I looove the Merry-Go-Round cake. I'm going to go make my own right now! (If I could make roses like that I'd do it all day). But the one underneath it is such a complete wreck that I howled. That's cake? I thought it was the pile decorators made at the end of the table, of stuff that didn't work.

Micalah said...

Thats so funny! I didn't eve know what any of those were. If I was a judge they would all be gone. I can even do better than that! :) haha

Fran said...

Oy, I haven't been on this blog in a WHILE. I'm glad to see your still at making great content.
I like it when you do scripts like this even though I'm sure there a bit more work.

Oldish Lady said...

Making me gladder and gladder I'm always busy on Thursday nights. I watched one season of Project Runoff and decided I'd stick to sweatpants and t-shirts for all my fashion needs.

Luckily I like cake too much to give it up....

Anonymous said...

why are there boobs on Daniel's cake?

Anonymous said...

When I first saw the name Tom Gann, I immediately thought of Paul McGann. (For all you non-Doctor Who geeks out there, he played the Doctor for precisely 1 episode in 1996.)

-Jacob

Melissa H. said...

Lindsay's cake looks like it has two of those mucous people from the Mucinex commercials.

Molly said...

Oh it is WRONG how much I enjoyed this post. It was SPOT ON.

I went to Mood last week to go fabric shopping and they have "Thank you Mood" tee shirts. But it didn't come with Tim Gunn so I wasn't interested. I adore that man. My mom ran into him grocery shopping in perfectly pressed linen pants. How adorable is he?

Tía Hillary said...

LOVE IT!!! Thanks, as always, for the laugh!

Aliza said...

@Aviatrix and @BadKarma-- you too can have roses like on the carousel! Those look suspiciously like the pre-made roses for sale at Bulk Barn (a Canadian bulk food store-- aka heaven for bakers and candy-eaters). In fact, looks like they bought them in every colour...

Margaret said...

OMG I particularly loved the "kiss from a rose" ---> Seal ---> Heidi Klum thing there :)

dearheart said...

The PR-inspired commentary on this post was top notch. I was inspired to comment - good work!

Anonymous said...

I kinda like the second cake, if it didn't look like it was covered in plastic wrap and didn't have ribbons. I don't like shininess on cakes. It's just wrong.

Diana said...

BWAHAHAHA.

This post is IN. The name choices and general parody was perfect (and eerily accurate, despite being parody...).

Becky said...

How fitting that about half an hour ago I started my own Project Runway marathon and then I read this! (fitting... clothes... get it??? haha...)

Anonymous said...

OMG those hurt my eyes

Anonymous said...

(stands and applauds wildly)


-Barbara Anne

Craig said...

The commentary is awesome!

#1 The new turntable arrived! At last I can finish "Butterflies in a confetti tornado."

#2 The blue horse on the left would actually be traveling sideways, which would be a real treat for anyone subject to motion sickness. That pretty much applies to the whole wreck, come to think of it.

#3 Why is there more than one of these conglomerations? Why does the one in the foreground have such a huge candle? Did Sandra Lee open a 'bakery'? [Nooooo!]

#5 It took me three tries to find the head of the dragon, the ears of which are disturbingly 'realistic' in a way that has nothing to do with ears. Regarding the most obvious details, I'm pretty sure dragons don't have mammary glands, so what are those supposed to be? (For a while there, I thought it was going to be 2011's first 'boobie EPCOT'.)

Have the dragons stopped screaming yet, @Bill's Bayou?

Anonymous said...

a kiss from a rose...oh you're killin' me!! Too funny!

Arlene said...

Lol I have never laughed so hard as when I looked at that so called dragon cake. It looks like it has boobs mixed in with weird frosting junk thrown in. Man what are they thinking when they make these?? All I see is a bunch of colors thrown on the cake just for the heck of it.

Amazing Videos said...

Wow nice cake..

Anonymous said...

I've never seen Project Runway, and now I know I never will. I can't even tell what that third cake is (other than chic and elegant, I mean)--what IS all that??? And the last cake with the "dragon" (or whatever) wrapped around . . .haystacks? Er, something? But I won't disagree with the judges because they MUST all have special knowledge and skills or else they wouldn't be on television. Right? I mean, what do the rest of us know? :)

Anonymous said...

I've never watched Project Runway, and I still found this post hilarious.

Katie said...

I had to read through the comments just to see what TV show you were referencing!

And to prove what a nerd I am, Sturm and Drang are also the names of Talon Karrde's pet vornskrs in the Thrawn trilogy by Timothy Zahn.

Jeffrey Poulin said...

Anyone watch the cartoon Dragon-Ball Z as a kid, all I could think of when I saw the last cake was that cartoon, Dragon BALLS, I mean Dragon Ball Z

Sariah said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh man, I can't stop laughing! I love it love it love it!

Anonymous said...

I kept squinting to find the dragon and then I realized it wasn't a dual poop exhaust pipe with a yello trail it was a dragon. Well done!

Maryann said...

Okay, it's a bit busy, but I can't lie; I love the dragon one. I think it rocks.

Cecile said...

That light green icing on the third cake is actually Chinese characters. It just doesn't looks like much because its all gloopy. But yes, those are actually words. Good post as always, soo funny.

Amy G said...

Am I the only one to have noticed that the horses on the merry go round cake are heading for a collision?

Instead of all facing the same way, half are one, half are the other. As if poised for deadly, pink battle.

Chrissie said...

# 3 the green squiggles are in Chinese :) I think the first one is "ji" *lucky* and the last 2 characters mean "fu" *luck*. They are lucky symbols, perhaps not starting off quite so lucky this time around! You will see tons of "fu's" (usually upside down) in windows around China at the moment preparing for Chinese New Year ...

Raj said...

good blog

MissG said...

Ok, am I the only one who saw icing-glob versions of Adam & Jamie from "Mythbusters" on the third cake?