Monday, January 10, 2011

Move Over, Lunchables

Monday, January 10, 2011

As an ab-disadvantaged, rotundity blessed, "fluffy" individual, I appreciate all the finer foods in life. The local Chinese buffet owners even know me by name. ("Oooh, Mr. Pork Man! Table for one?")

It's not that I don't care about being thin and gorgeous, it's...wait. No, actually, that IS it. I don't care. So imagine my delight when I discovered the latest lunch craze hitting our nation's bakeries:

The Porta-Pastry!

Yep, these lunch-sized portions of cake come with everything you need for a nutritious meal: sugar, fat, more sugar, and most importantly: a handy fork for on-the-go eating!

No more sneaking into the breakroom in search of cutlery! No more sharing with the kids! Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying.




I'm sorry, did I say "crying?" 'Cuz I meant "crying tears of JOY."

"Just a second, kids; Mommy's just finishing her lunch."



So far the baking industry has just been testing the market with their Watermelon Porta-Pastry, but happily the response has been so positive they're preparing to introduce a new design:

The Double Pounder.

Because a fork in each hand is worth two duck heads in a bush.

Mmmmm.


Thanks to Annabeth C., Lauren K., Alden L., Jennifer L., Shannon B., and Jane D., who think that lousy Aflac duck had it coming.
Tamara Marnell said...

Why do those cakes have forks on them? Who eats watermelon with a fork? Chunks, yes, but I have never, ever seen someone dig into a watermelon wedge with a fork. It defies the point of getting wet, sticky faces in the hot summer sun.

Stoich91 said...

One question re Last Cake: What is it?

Fluffy Cow said...

I was really confused about these cakes until I saw the last one. Now it all makes perfect sense.
Um...
yeah.

Except for the eagle/duck. And the Freddy shirt.

And the fork.

BTW- I'm Fluffy!

Jocelyn Breeland said...

I'm reasonably certain the last cake is supposed to be Brutus, the Ohio State Buckeye mascot. I'm at a loss to identify the opponent he's feasting on. Wow.

Anonymous said...

pretty sure the last one is supposed to be Brutus Buckeye and the Oregon Duck (from the Rose Bowl last year)

i could be wrong, but thats what it looks like to me

jaxx79 said...

HaHa! As a resident of Columbus, all I knew what the last cake was immediately. Buckeye fans are a little crazy!

Stephanie said...

I think that last one is from last year's Ohio State vs. Oregon bowl game.

daundelyon said...

I have a horrible feeling that the last one is supposed to be Brutus Buckeye. Like the Buckeyes haven't looked bad enough lately. *sigh*

Josin L. McQuein said...

Is that Freddy Krueger with forks and an eagle head?

Trevor said...

I think the last cake is actually SUPPOSED to be Freddy Kruger. No relation to Kroger's I might add. (Or maybe there is... Hmmmm)

I mean, look at that shirt, and he has knives for hands. Think about it!

oh, this is too funny too. My Word Verification is "Stale" hahaha

Auntie Meme said...

Why is Grimace eating a bald eagle?

Jennifer said...

The last one is Brutus, the Ohio State Buckeyes mascot. Sort of.

I have no idea what he's doing holding forks, and have no idea what the orange and white blobs are on the bottom. He's the football mascot. Not real clear why there's a basketball blob on the bottom.

I wonder if that's supposed to be the opposing team's logo. The big rival is Michigan, and their colors are yellow and blue. I can't even begin to guess beyond that, though.

Sandy C Also in SoFla said...

I, too, wondered why Freddy was going to eat our National Symbol. But I guess it makes some sort of sense in the wrekorator's mind that they were trying to get a football rivalry in cake, or CCC.

rissykay99 said...

My poor Brutus. What have they done to you!

I thought at first that the white/orange blobs were something to do with Basketball, but I'm not really sure. I've seen Brutus at other sporting events (outside of football), but after staring at that cake the blobs are starting to resemble an Eagle or something equally puzzling.

I'm going to go look at my correctly proportioned, non-fork hand Brutus plush in my office now and pretend this abomination doesn't exist.

Cyndi said...

I'm embarassed to be an Ohio State fan. What in the world were they thinking? And that's a dunk? I was thinking it was a ghost with a basketball. (Which made the forks even more confusing.) Goodness.

Ellen said...

It's an eating utensil!

It's plastic flotsam!

It's an eating utensil and plastic flotsam!

It's two - two - two forks in one!


WV - imazer -- these cakes are imazers - their goofiness just imazes me!

thesacredandtheprofane said...

"Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying."

Wow. Have we met? Because it's like you know me.

*singing*
Killing me softly with your blog
killing me softly
with your blog
telling my whole life
in your words
killing me softly
with your blo-eo-eo-eo-eog.
*end chorus*

Joanna said...

You know, you might want to issue an Epcot alert already for Brutus, The Ohio State Buckeye's mascot.
Otherwise, we're all in danger!

I'm still unclear on why bakers think a plastic fork constitutes "decoration" on a cake...

Loo-E Loo-I said...

LOL Everybody under their desks! Looks like another EPCOT!

@Tamara...if you pick up the watermelon cakes and eat them with your fingers, instead of the fork provided, you can still get a messy, sticky face. ;-D Although, I think I'll pass on these cakes! O.o

wv: multywvz: LOLcat-speak for Multiple Word Verfications.

john said...

#2 appears to be well-executed, but I don't understand why so many bakeries have this concept. Does anyone have a pop-culture reference? Anyone? Bueller?

If I wanted to disguise a one-person cake, I'd make it look like a salad.

The Vosslers said...

lol, better watch it with the duck head references TODAY of all days!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_P1PPy7FTo

Tricia L said...

Being from Tennessee, our wreckerators have not put forks on our watermelon cakes. They know that the only proper way to eat watermelon is two hands and outdoors ... where we can spit the seeds in the lawn.

However, let me know next time you are eating cake in your car, and I'll join you, Fluffy.

Anonymous said...

Works for me because 24 cupcakes and the accompanying 24 pounds of cupcakes is definitely a serving size. I hope that the two decorated weren't intending sharing with the two fork cakes.

Diana said...

looks like everyone has pretty much said it all so i'll just repeat what went through my head as i was reading........

HAHAHAHAHAHAH HEEE HEEE HAHAHAHA HOO ... LOOK AT THAT.. SIGH

anyway , have agreat day eatting the perfect lunch.
Carpe Cakem!

mimiheart said...

Brutus epcot?

Either way? Um... scary cake. It appears to be saying, "fork you."

Momcat said...

Et two, Brutus?
(Let the groaning begin.)

wv: latarqua. Says brutus to the duck, "latar, quacker"

Craig said...

Back to the shelter we go -- don't forget the plastic forks!

In my own defense, it took me a while to see anything that made sense at the bottom of the last one. I did finally arrive at 'bald eagle head', but that's as far as it went -- I felt no compulsion to identify it.

T said...

I probably shouldn't admit to the time that my husband and I consumed 1/2 a key lime pie on our way back to our hotel... we had to ask for the fork on the side though because this was in the "pre-porta-pastry" era.

Julie said...

I had to look up a pic of Brutus Buckeye before I realized the stripey red thing is supposed to be his shirt. I was trying to figure out how an oddly-shaped barbecue grill fit into the cake theme.

And #4--the "seeds" look like beard stubble. Or 2 day old leg stubble. Either way I'm not eating it.

Gina said...

Does anybody even eat watermelon with a fork? That is almost as weird as the awfulness of the cakes overall...

Heather said...

I thought the very first cake was a hamburger with a fork on the bun. That is, until you got to the part where you said they were only testing this on watermelon cakes...

Nikki said...

I *think* that last cake is Bruiser the Ohio State Buckeyes mascot... I think.

also, I find it VERY amusing that one of the sidebar ads was for Zumba fitness dvd's hehehe

Aliza said...

Our second Epcot of the year! We're off to a good start ;)

Please, please tell me that 24 cupcakes isn't a SINGLE serving size?! (Those two CCC watermelon "slices"). Plus, why would you need a "porta-pastry" (which looks to me that it should serve four. At least!) when there's the good ol' cupcake?! If those PPs are "a serving" I think that goes a long way to explain the obesity problem in the US!

As for the decorating, well they were all recognizable so I'm not quite sure if they're full-on wrecks (#2 and #4 weren't half bad). Public health wrecks, sure. But cake wrecks? Then again, I guess why make a cake look like watermelon when you could just have watermelon

And the last one... yikes. And to think people recognized it!

Anonymous said...

Well, if we're trying to be neat and aren't eating the watermelon by just sticking it in our faces, we use a spoon, not a fork! The only time we use forks is if the melon is cut up in chunks (like for a fruit salad, or for our kids who prefer to eat it that way). I live in WA, and some years it's rarely hot enough in the summer to be eating watermelon outside on the lawn.

I will say that giving the single fork with the 2-dozen cupcake watermelon CCCs just doesn't make any sense at all...

Amber K said...

I had to actually laugh out loud at the CCC. Oh please tell me there is actually one and I'm not just imagining things....LOL :)

Marissa and Aidan said...

Since we are being all epcot about Brutus I will share that the original Brutus the Buckeye was just that, a buckeye nut with no arms, let alone scary rugby shirt. Short wiki history of Brutus

Anonymous said...

I love that they put those forks on cupcake cakes, since, you know, the whole point of cupcakes is that you can eat them with your hands.

Liz in Seattle

mladybright said...

I liked the watermelons, till you got to the CCC - patooieee!

Porta-pastry... ahhh, therein lies the connection between them and the CCC...

(never mind - I don't want to explain the vision you've given me)

Gaaaaa!!!!!

~~Di

mutort -- What you file in court when your torte becomes mutated by a wreckerator.

Pandora said...

Yea you used a my pic!!! Love you Cake Wrecks!

Mary said...

That last one reminds me of Freddy Kreuger...

Anonymous said...

At last, watermelon I can eat without my throat swelling! But seriously, have these people ever seen a watermelon. Surely you could do better, even with a CCC.

Jasry said...

Well, I thought the last cake was the Wolfman, and the white and orange... stuff... at the bottom was a ghost carrying a pumpkin. But then I still have my Halloween pumpkins on my front porch, so I guess that's where my mind is stuck. I can see the duck head now, tho.

SDGlyph said...

Waaaaaait... Is the presence of a single plastic fork - and I'm going to assume those are regular-size plastic forks - meant to indicate that the cake represents a SINGLE SERVING? Just... wow.

Rachel said...

What IS that thing in the last photo?!?

Craig said...

Given the stunning thematic similarities in the first five wrecks, I have to wonder if wreckerators are on the way to creating their own EPCOTs. The proof would be a huge post, so maybe it's better to leave it in the realm of speculation.

By the way, the last one is clearly an angry hamburger patty about to land on a strangely-shaped grill. Except that this theory doesn't account for the eagle / duck head (like the Brutus one does?). I was so close! (Back to the shelter...)

wv: grial. Grial, Argh is from... never mind -- that was yesterday's EPCOT.

Shirley said...

Is that last cake a Freddy Krueger cake? Because it looks evil enough to spit Johnny Depp out of the center of a bed!

Anonymous said...

B. Wallace
at least they dont have sporks on them!

Shauna said...

I think that last one is a fear cake. Obviously made for someone who is afraid of Freddy and Ducks.

Sasha @ Global Table Adventure said...

It's the fork craze! Best craze ever. A serving utensil and weapon all in one. Now, get away from my cake before I stab you with my fork :)

Anonymous said...

You are all missing the point. It is clearly a promotion with local beauty shops. The thing in the last picture is just using a dinglehopper to comb that other thing.

Denita TwoDragons said...

Why oh why is there a Jaegermonster from Girl Genius, eating an eagle's head?!

Rebecca F. said...

Oh, the last cake has an eage head? I thought it was a one eyed ghost holding a basketball, lol. Trying to figure out that last cake is giving me a headache!

Anonymous said...

Ooooooh this is so much better than grabbing and smashing it all into one's mouth. Why didn't I think of a fork sooner. Norine

Meagan said...

Being nearly 35 weeks pregnant, I think it's brilliant that they all come with their own fork...

Anonymous said...

Ah, I think I have figured it out... it's so you won't stand in the store and be profane! Instead you can say, "WHAT THE FORK?"

Mom of 2 Kiddos said...

I actually bought one of these watermelon cakes *hangs head in shame* and it had some plastic ants and a spork on it. The problem I had with it was that the bakery airbrushed the colors on and the icing was so bitter you couldn't eat the cake! Even if you scraped the red part off the icing under was still inedible.

Korrie said...

I thought the last one was Freddy Kruger about to eat a rabbit that rammed its face into a basketball. And what's with all the forks?

wv: repoo...... those cakes are so bad they need to be repoo'd (repo'd).

Len said...

I wonder what flavor those cakes are... watermelon? ewww! I mean, I love the fruit but could never imagine it as a suitable flavor for CAKE.

wv - logich: thisch cakesch havech noch logich.

Nancy said...

@Cyndi-I thought it was a ghost with a basketball, too!

Pauline said...

The 4th one down looks like some kind of nasty caterpillar. And what's with the watermelon theme...are you supposed to be tricked into thinking you're eating a nutritious, yummy piece of fruit...which just happens to be shaped like a cake.
sigh

Anonymous said...

hey, they're doing better than my local Mickey D's, that never seems to get a utensil in my bag - luckily I'm normally taking it to a place with utensils, but it's really annoying!!

i-cant-talk-now said...

Please stop saying porta-pastry. I cannot be the only person who automatically thinks 'porta-potty', can I?

Micalah said...

I can't even imagine eating that much cake. I'd get sick!

What was that last cake?

Little Luxuries said...

I'd be afraid to open that last one. It looks like it wants to use those forks on me.

Amauriel said...

I live/work in Columbus, and as the others have mentioned here, unfortunately recognized poor Brutus right away. Then I wondered if that cake was made at the store I used to work at. /hangs head

I'm loving the people who thought it was Freddy, made my day!

pikkewyntjie said...

That's forked up, man!

WV: under
The word verification software is just not trying anymore!

Anonymous said...

to tamara- i don't know about slices but my dad used to cut the tops off of the mini water melons and eat them with spoons. maybe the same idea is behind these cakes?

Shayna said...

Pretty sure that last cake is Freddy Kruger... with a decapitated bald eagle?

Gary said...

The great thing about most of these cakes is that they allow you to stick to the letter of your diet by eating watermelon for lunch.

Zombie Edward said...

That last one looks like Brutus the Buckeye, right colors for him, but I'm confused about the bird undeat him.

Anonymous said...

That last picture is Brutus the Buckeye! Yay Ohio State! :D

Letitia said...

I'm sorry, but "port-a-pastry" is just too close to "port-a potty"...

Anonymous said...

What the edited is the last cake supposed to be???

AvengersWasp said...

Wow. I hate cupcake cakes. The one my BFF had for her B-day was multi colored airbrush CcC. I passed.

Susan said...

Oh, wait, I get it....... ummm... well ok, not really. Thought I had that last one figured out, but I have not got any better ideas than anyone else. *sigh*

wv: hyadect.... ?? I got nuthin... maybe opposite of lowa dect?

Euryale69 said...

How apropo for the all those New Year's resolutions! Yay! More fruit is a possibility! Vegetables too! Isn't sugar cane a veggie? Hmmm...

dandy said...

This is just too hilarious! There goes my diet root beer all over my waterm... small green dinner salad no dressing...

BADKarma! said...

I think the head Freddy is attacking on that last one's actually supposed to be an EAGLE head. Which in no way makes it any less creepy.

Anonymous said...

First-WTF IS that last one???? Second-there have been times when I am hungry enough to eat a cake by myself

KimtheBuckeye said...

To those that continue to question the last one: it's already been determined to be a poorly done Brutus the Buckeye of Ohio State. Why have none of the other Ohio State/Big10 fans come up with the Iowa Hawkeye for the hideous fowl at the bottom???

Anonymous said...

I love the way that they are made to look like fruit. Over here in the UK, we are constantly nagged to eat "5 a Day" (portions of fruit and/or veg). Now I can!

Sue from England

Anonymous said...

@Aliza
a 24 CCC (patooie) is a single serving: 24 hours in a day/24 cupcakes in a CCC. it can't be coincidence.

-Barbara Anne

Anonymous said...

the freddy shirt guy is Brutus Buckeye. It an Ohio/ OSU thing. i never heard of it until i came to ohio.

Anonymous said...

After last night's game, a duck-head eating mascot is appropriate!! Should have been a tiger though!!

WAaaaaaarrrrr Eagle! HEY!!!

Alex.
;)

redheadedblonde said...

"hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying."

This comment made me come out of lurkdom to tell you I love your site. And crack up.

Thanks for all of the laughs, both of you. :)

Oldish Lady said...

At least I don't ever have to worry about seeing a cake with a "Hoosier" on it here in Bloomington. Unless it's Dan Quayle.

WV:tingele
I get a tingele whenever I read this blog.

Anonymous said...

Last cake:

An angry Thomas the Tank running over a basketball-playing ghost.

Anonymous said...

To those of you saying the last one is supposed to be the Ohio State Buckeyes mascot, Brutus...

They should sue for such mangled representation of their mascot.

Anonymous said...

That's a DUCK? I thought it was a one-eyed, unibrow ghost dribbling a basketball.

~Kathy D

WV: imalmb... a misspelling of embalm

Susan T-O said...

Well, I see I'm not the only one who looked at that last cake & immediately thought "Freddy Krueger!" Nightmare on Elm Street, indeed. I tell you, I can't think of any website better than this one for making me say, "Erm. . . "

nolly said...

Until I read the comments, I thought the last cake was Thomas the Tank Engine (or one of his friends) preparing to eat a pelican.

WHY Thomas would want to eat a pelican, I have no idea.

Fiammetta said...

Are either of those CCCs *mini* cupcake cakes? Because I couldn't hate that, it'd just be too cute.

I actually like "porta-pastries"... I think they're adorable. Oh, hell, I guess I'm just a sucker for things that have been shrunk.

Anonymous said...

Something about watermelon cake always makes me sick. Like the fruit, hate the cake.

El Sparky said...

Eewwwww, cake at lunch?

Jamey said...

The last cake- it kinda looks like Brutus, the Ohio State mascot....

Anonymous said...

Sue P

I could get used to these for lunch. I only get @ 20 min. at school & could scarf these down in no time! :)