Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Jane Austen's Baby Shower Chronicles

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

"Thank you all so much for joining me on this joyful occasion, as we celebrate the impending birth of my first child. It gives me such pleasure to see your smiling faces on this wondrous, happy day. Indeed, I am all amazement!

"I understand that you all mistook the "BYOC" on your invitations to mean 'Bring Your Own Cake.' [giggle] No matter, though! If we have no chairs, then we'll simply stand!

"Now, pray, show me these glorious confections you've brought for our afternoon respite! Eleanor, dear, you first.


"Oh. Oh, my, Eleanor. Isn't this...lovely? I am...well...truly speechless!


"Lydia, what deliciousness have you prepared?


[blushing] "Good heavens! I...I thank you, for your kindness, Lydia. Truly. I'll just...put your cake over here. Out of the sun. Under this bonnet.


"Elizabeth, darling! What kindness have you done me, in preparing such a large platter?

"AAAEEEII!! [faints]

[coming to] "Oh, do forgive that unpardonable display of emotion, Elizabeth. I was simply overcome with unimaginable...that is to say, I...it's just that...

"Oh, c'mon, Liz. Really? I mean, really?


"Ahem. Do excuse me, please. I believe the heat must be addling my senses.

"Now, Lord Harrington, I understand that you have also prepared a dessert! I am honored beyond words that you would bestow such a kindness...

[crickets chirping]

"Are you frickin' kidding me?!?


"What is WRONG with all of you? I invite you to my estate, I let you stand on my lawn, I have my servants cook for you, and THIS is how you repay me?!? You're all JERKS, you know that? Abominable, improper, insensitive, butt-faced JERKS. And you smell. Yes, I'm looking at you, Elizabeth.

"Catherine, do I even want to know what monstrosity you've brought to ruin my party?


"Oh... [blinking]

"It's actually quite nice.

[flourishing serving knife] "Cake, anyone?"



To my dearest acquaintances, Lora, Angela W., Anony M., Kelly R., and Crystal B.: I should imagine that this year's Proper Ladies Society will be the most popular yet!
The Boob Nazi said...

The nipples one is the worst. ew.

Gary said...

If you happen to know what that "Got Milk?" cake is filled with, please don't tell me.

Gordita said...

Ha ha. Lord Harrington. LOL.

Pene said...

Love the "Baby G" cake, including the earring!
BTW tomorrow (Sept. 22nd) is Hobbit Day. So what sort of birthday cake would a hobbit like best?

Anissa said...

Why doesn't Baby G have arms?

Katie said...

Oh my. It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I saw the "Got Milk?" cake cause I'd have sprayed it all over my monitor.

Absolutely hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Where are Baby G's arms?!

Wendy said...

I do believe I have the vapors. My!

Nikki said...

I have to admit, I'd be tempted to get my nephew Garrett the last one. I call him the G-Unit.

Of course his mother would probably kill me, so it's just as well.

Steve the Pocket said...

So I looked up that "Ten toes up, ten toes down..." thing, figuring it was some kind of song lyric. The Googles, they do nothing!

Anonymous said...

This post was actually depressing. Seriously, those cakes are tacky (to say the very least).

Is my "old fashion" showing??? ;)

morriganscrow said...

"Emily! My fainting couch...and give me your pearls. I need something to clutch to my palpitating bosom!"

...

"No, Lord Harrington! Not you!"

shaz said...

Too hysterical my dears! Absolutely LOVE Baby G, but yes, where are his arms?

April said...

Wow ... I'm pretty sure if somebody brought the "laboring mom" cake to MY shower, I would smash their face in it. How tacky can you possibly get?

Anonymous said...

Ohhhh noooooo
The "Got Milk" baby totally reminds of Mr. Bill

Isolder74 said...

Pene said...
Love the "Baby G" cake, including the earring!
BTW tomorrow (Sept. 22nd) is Hobbit Day. So what sort of birthday cake would a hobbit like best?

Why shortcake of course!

Well here's hoping that the last cake isn't made of Red Velvet! Why, why do decorators make cakes in the shapes of cute things you would want to see someone go Psycho on?

Renee H. said...

apparently "Baby G" is what happens to parents who smoke too many cigars.

and wear too much tacky bling.

and probably got busy in a nuclear power plant while covered in radioactive goo.

just sayin'. . .

Jasry said...

Baby G must be a thalydomide baby, poor thing. Either that, or he's reminding mommies of the dangers of smoking during pregnancy.
Those are all truly ICK cakes. Yuck and ick.

andrea said...

I like Baby G, actually. Don't you think that one must have been for a bris, though?

I never had a baby shower, and now I (almost) regret it because it could have been a cakewreck opportunity.

Susan said...

You know the funniest and perhaps the saddest thing about the Got Milk cake is that's pretty much exactly how you feel when your milk comes in, like your boobs are about to explode.

Melinda said...

Uh, yeah, as has been pointed out, Baby G has no arms. I have to wonder at the tackiness of some people--those cakes are all awful. (Psst--Steve the Pocket; think about it.)

I had to laugh at the thought of Jane Austen using "butt-faced jerks" to describe anyone. (Although, is it too nerdy and/or anal-retentive of me to point out that Jane Austen died single and childless?)

Jennifer said...

I think the Got Milk cake is pretty funny. I mean, not for a "proper" baby shower, but for a Jack-n-Jill type shower, I'd laugh if it was mine.

Danger Boy said...

Baby G cake, despite being horribly disfigured, is actually quite cute. And really, I cry for his lack of arms.

Knit Wit said...

I am even more thankful that I am DONE with having kids now if those are examples of what might show up at a baby shower.

Where are my smelling salts? I fear I'm overcome.

Anonymous said...

Baby G doesn't have arms bcz they used the Wilton Teddy Bear pan for the basic shape

Anonymous said...

Oh God, it's like a nude Cabbage Patch doll.

Caroline B said...

I feel sorry for the poor sap at that baby shower that got the piece of cake with the pubic hair on it. Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say....gak!

Kira said...

I fell like I'm missing something here. What does any of this have to do with Jane Austen?

jo said...

OMG that was hilarious! Love the Austen theme. The nipples one is funny but the censored one is disgusting!! (are those pink lasagna sheets for the pillow?) that is one hairy baby head coming out. ew ew EW!! *scrubs her eyes*

I hope Darcy didn't see these...

Anonymous said...

once I got past the horrific nipples on the "got milk", I was disturbed by the one arm that appears to be attached "Eeyore-style" to the body. I guess if Baby G needs to borrow an arm, he'll know who to ask.

Constance said...

Boy, am I glad that the hostesses at my baby shower insisted Southern tradition dictated petit fours.

Metzgirl said...

Today I happened to be reading this post with my 3y/o boy:

Cake 1)Me: "Oh, look at the pretty blue flower!"

Cake 2)(reading) "Ten toes up and ten toes down, that's what you get for messing around...." (he repeats immediately)

Cake 3) He says: "What is that?" me: "Um, it's a..." *scolls down before answering*

Cake 4) *keeps scrolling* me: "Look, there's a bird outside the window!"

Cake 5) Boy: "Ah! That one is scary!" *hides under desk* Me: "But that one is kind of cute!" Boy: "That baby has one eye!"

Now I know better than to read this blog with my son before I get a chance to check it out first...

ladyrazorsharp said...

If and when I ever have children, if anyone gives me one of these cakes, I won't be responsible for what happens. And it won't be entirely because I would be pregnant and somewhat emotional.

Just sayin'.

(but the 'Jane Austen' commentary was hilarious!)

Shawna said...

My two-and-a-half-year-old saw the first cake and said, "Ew. What's that?" (Just imagine how disgusted she would be if she could read and/or knew anything about labor!)

J. R. W. said...

The censored cake pillows look like little pink pierogies. And is the censored cake figure made entirely out of an icing substance? If so, just... ew.

And the last one looks suspiciously like that three-armed monstrosity from "Reality Bites."

WV: fingdo: smeared frosting, as might be caused by the careless use of a spatula in scraping off a misspelled inscription.

SarahPants5 said...

This was hilarious. I especially love how the last one has those dead amputated finger looking cigars, makes me think of "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies"! ;D

wv: I suppose I'll have a piece of cake, as you sinsts on hacking it up.

Anonymous said...

First, thank you for the Austen Fight Club! Ingenious.

Second, I do believe she would have approved and enjoyed the clip and your commentary!

Third, that said, those cakes are horrific. And hilarious. And mortifying for the mother to be. Good heavens, Lord Harrington!!

My comuter screen is most happy it was not afternoon tea whilst I was reading.

~~Di

Anonymous said...

There should be a law against making a pregnant cake and for sure one that is giving birth! That is wrong in so many ways.

lisadh said...

Love the Jane Austen commentary. As usual, your writing overcomes the eye-searing awfulness of the wrecks. Poor Baby G.

@morriganscrow: HILARIOUS!! Ha!

Anonymous said...

that last one really is the stuff of nightmares

Anonymous said...

I wish you wouldn't black bar out the goods... now I'm really curious. LOL

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. Either technology has failed me, or my first comment was censored for exploring the possibilities of my absolutely-true-I-am-not-making-this-up wv, coche.

My apologies in the latter case.

Let me try my original intended message one more time.

*Ahem*

That is one supportive nursing bra.

Mary Lou said...

So, I just recently found your blog, hilarious! And last night I had a cake wrecks dream! I dreamed that my husband paid this awful bakery for the worst rainbow cake ever. I was furious that he paid for such an ugly cake... well my birthday is tomorrow so lets hope there are no rainbow cakes on the menu. : )

Skye said...

Thank you ever so much for the post and the clip--I needed to laugh today. (Just one of those days, you know?)

Jane Austen Fight Club is going on my list of "things to show my husband when he gets home that will make him laugh 'till he can't breathe".

Michelle said...

Thanks for keeping me entertained while waiting at the doctors. The video helped me tune out an old grouch loudly complaining to the staff. I love Jane Austin and found the video and commentary hilarious. (and oh, my, were those cakes hideous!)

Craig said...

#1 I'm guessing the inscription was interpreted as an instruction to whomever was holding the caulking / frosting gun. Big Jim and Billy Sol should have "blow'd it up real good."

#2 "Too much information, runnin' through my brain. Too much information, driving me insane..."

#3 Speaking of TMI: This poor 'lady' is a giant belly with various other things attached, which I'm sure is how it feels. It's probably just as well that the wreckerator didn't know how to make hands and feet, though the absence of same takes the overall creepiness level from 9 to 10-1/2.

#4 Managers, this is what happens when you decide to let a 16-year-old male 'cart retrieval specialist' fill in on the baker's day off. Another commenter noted the arm attachment on 'Mother Jugs', but check the baby (which in the mind of wreckerator Bevis is to scale). BTW, it has to be a tres leches cake. Just sayin'.

#5 Yo.

Anonymous said...

I have to say, as a currently nursing Mom, I can relate to the "Got Milk" cake. That is completely accurate! Of course, totally inappropriate.

Jillian said...

Now I have that song stuck in my head! Bow bow bow bow bow bow...bow bow bow bow. Push it real good!

Simone said...

@Kira, I believe they were creating an unexpected contrast between the consistent decorum and mannerliness of the Jane Austen world and the complete lack of any sort of class, taste or indeed basic decency displayed in these cakes in order to provoke mirth. Indeed, it is the same humorous device employed in the attached moving picture show, of which I have long been a fan.

Esty said...

Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books and I have to say you have maligned Elizabeth terribly. I'm sure she would have brought a most tasteful cake. You were right on the nose with Lizzie though.

The heck with Baby G's missing arms; why does he have the neck and shoulders of a weight lifter?

wv: wants. I wants 'prinkles.

Vinie said...

Well, now i think that over 3/4 of the baby shower cakes are cursed. Getting a pretty and nice spelled one must be like winning the ticket. (talking aobut the ones you get in bakeries , of course)

Mine was a simple sheet cake, nothing fancy, with 4 words on it. They misspelled 3 of them... Next time, my mom will do the cake.

tiny purple elephant said...

i hate the human shaped ones- what happenend to duckies and bears???

Claire J. said...

Drool. :P

Jeremy said...

I really need to know now: is that a baby's head coming out or a really hairy area? If it was a baby coming out, by the look on the face of the woman, why was it blocked out?

Leigh said...

Is it just me, or is the "Got Milk" one holding a baby pig?

Aviatrix said...

I don't check Cake Wrecks every day, so I always get my updates in one long stream. My only comment on the long/short debate is a request to change the settings so that a set number of days rather than posts are on the front page, so I don't have to click "Older Posts" more times when the posts are shorter.

john (the hubby of JEN) said...

Aviatrix,

Great idea. I changed it so that there are two days showing. So right now there are four posts up. We try to limit the number of posts on a page because the load time on Blogger is reeeeealy slow but the most we'll ever have is four so not so bad.

Thanks and Wreck On!

john

Elizabeth said...

Hey! My name is Elizabeth! :-P

Anonymous said...

And to think.... they all procreated AAAAHHHH

Tricia L said...

The Baby G cake is so well done, I'm sure there are arms somewhere (possibly across the chest under the bling, gangsta style). If it was made from the Wilton teddy bear pan, at least they removed the ears.

The commentary was the best part of today's post. If I buy Jane Austen, it will sound like that, right?

Anonymous said...

I admit the "Got Milk" one is creative, but like you said - are you kidding me?

That and WHY... WHY do bakeries actually do the nude cakes? If someone asked to do that at the bakeries here in our town, they'd be told no - after blushing red.

I think the only place anywhere near here that'd do it is a place that usually leads to needing nursery cakes to begin with.

- Melissa

Helen Swarts said...

Ok so it was just brought to my attention that it isn't necessarily a bad thing to be on cake wrecks. My mistake. Would've liked to know my picture was being shown here though. I guess I'll have to visit this site more often.
Lenagc

JAN BRADEL said...

Hilarious! This blog is a hoot!

Arlene said...

I am beginning to think that anyone purchasing these cakes for a baby shower has lost their minds lol. They really either hate the mother to be or think she might have a great sense of humor about it but that ahem.. naked woman giving birth would give me nightmares no amount of therapy could cure. Oh man did your Jane Austen crack me up.

Eve said...

Maybe the mom-to-be receiving the first cake is a Gwen Stefani fan?

Though if that's that case, it should read: "This is the most craziest sh*t ever!" (I would personally die laughing if somebody got me a flowery, girly shower cake with that written on it.)

Aneela said...

She's just upset because nobody brought any naked mohawk baby carrot jockeys.

Anonymous said...

if the "GOT MILK" cake was cream filled THAT would be freaking hilarious!

Anonymous said...

My goodness, what a collection of hideous cakes! But your narrative is the best part of the posting! Keep up the good work.

Kelly said...

Being a huge Jane fan, this is one of my favorite genres of commentary you've done, Jen! And THANK YOU for the link. I hadn't seen Jane Austen's Fight Club yet. HILARIOUS!

Chris HARRINGTON (really) said...

AAAAAAHHH!! Extra nipples, and NO ARMS!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Good night! What IS that thing in baby G's clothes???

designer replica handbags said...

Perfection! I want to see Don and Betty and the kids in the next episode, LOL.

Amber said...

I cannot understand what twisted mind keeps thinking that a cake with a woman IN THE MIDST OF GIVING BIRTH with all the details was ever a good idea! o_O

Baby Games said...

Nice bling bling babies. hahaha. this one, is it a cake this women in the top?
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