Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wrecks Without Question

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I know bakers get odd requests from time to time. Inside jokes, nicknames, stuff that makes no sense - they see it all. Still, you'd think there comes a point when a baker looks at a scrawled order form and asks herself, "Gee, is it more likely they wanted 'happy BIRTHDAY,' or 'happy BAIRTH?'"

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"Jim," you're thinking, because you've once again forgotten my name and now apparently my gender as well, "Jim, don't be so gosh durn silly." (You're also from the South.) "'Bairth' isn't even a word! So obviously NO baker would EVER...uh..."


[raised eyebrows] You were saying?


Or how about this: you get a cake order for a little girl. She wants a bunch of little chocolate mice on the border, all surrounding one big...huh...is that 'mouse' written there? It kind of looks like 'mouse.' Definitely M-O-U-something. So, do you assume mouse? Or do you go with this?

Niiiice.


Now you're thinking that this would never happen to you. "I'd write the order clearly!" you yell to the heavens. (Two words, dude: less coffee.) "Then I'd tape Post-it Notes to the order form showing them exactly where I want the text, so there's no WAY they can wreck it up!! Haha!"

Not bad, not bad. Sounds like a good plan.

Except...

What if they take your handy-dandy Post-its, copy them, and then paste them on the cake?

Aha! I see from your stunned expression that thought hadn't struck you yet.

Brace for impact.


That's Wreckerator: 3, Customer: 0.

Well played, Wreckerators. Well played.


Anna H., Helen, & Janice H., you might try asking for a Wreck. I've seen several of those wrecked into being a pretty decent-looking (and correctly spelled!) cake. It's like a wreck to the second power! Totally meta.
Lisa said...

Every day I read these posts and think, "How can people be that STUPID????" It's frightening, really. But also incredibly amusing.

Tricia L said...

... and they wonder why Helen grew up with a fear of dentists and Carol Channing.

KatjaMouse said...

The post-it cake is up there with the Spock Baby Shower cake.

Jenniffer said...

Even if it was wrong, someone did a great job on that MOUTH!

Trish said...

I can't stop staring at the "Mouse/Mouth"... thing. It's beautifully horrifying.

Alison said...

What Lisa (first poster) said. I laugh at these, but sometimes it gives me serious pause about the future of the human race!

Gina said...

The lengths they will go to in order to not get things right...

Fanboy Wife said...

Is there no hope? Do we just have to decorate our own cakes?

Cara said...

Awww, poor Helen! Such a scary cake! At least it's smiling...

A Paperback Writer said...

Now I know where all those lazy kids who drop out of high school are going!!! Someone is recruiting them to decorate cakes!
"Let me see: you dropped out of school in 8th grade, never learned to spell anything after 4th grade, can't follow directions, and read on a 2nd grade level? Wonderful! You're just what we need! You're hired!"

Actually, that mouth cake is kinda cool. Strange, twisted, and weird. But cool.

Flartus said...

Y'know, you'd think that after a while, you'd run out of gloriously wrecked cakes. But no, your supply is neverending.

I am amazed.

Carambola said...

There are no words. . .

I think you said once that Wreckerators or at least the stores they work for e-mail you from time to time, and I would loooove to know what they say...

lisa_n said...

I've lived in the South my entire life & never heard anyone say 'gosh durn'. Gotdangit, yes. Dagnabbit, even, but 'gosh durn'...no. That must be TV Southern.

Anonymous said...

Bairth? BAIRTH?? What planet are wreckerators from?

Seriously, I think that mouth is one nicely executed cake. *sigh* Maybe I shouldn't use the word 'executed'.

Post-its. uh. Yeah. Well, there goes that idea to get the next cake right, not wrecked.

Thank you for adding mirth to my day!!

~~Di

Fie upon this quiet life! said...

I really think we need more unemployed English PhDs to take up baking. God knows there's enough of them -- yours truly included.

Sandy C/Boynton Beach said...

Maybe the Happy Bairth actually was supposed to be Happy Birth? Maybe the recipient is a new mom?

I agree, the mouth/mouse cake is a great wreck... but my vote for todays best/worst? is the post it note cake. That is awesome.

Wreckorators reach new levels of stupidity each day...

Keep them coming!!

jo said...

The mouth/mouse was actually very well done! beautiful handwriting too, and spelled correctly. but what was going through the wreckerators mind? wouldn't it make sense for little baby mice to be going around a big (mommy) mouse? that mouth took a lot of time and skill. what was her logic in mice around a mouth? as if it's going to eat them!

THIS is a CLASSIC :)

and scanning the post it notes instead of writing on the cake...*faceslap*

jo said...

Maybe Anna had a baby or IS a baby. "Happy Birth"? which is still misspelled. and still, well, stupid.

Kate said...

The first cake is ugly beyond belief. Not only is it misspelled, the pink doesn't match between the lettering and the flowers. It's lopsided (I'm very curious what it looked like when cut into- is the wonky-ness frosting or cake induced?) and it looks like the wreckerator decided that "Anna" wasn't palindromey enough and had to make it "AnnA" Sigh

The Boob Nazi said...

These make me scared for all of my future professional cakes.

Aliza said...

Is it wrong to look at some of these cakes and think "Darwin Awards candidates"? Please, please tell me these people are too dumb to breed...

Anna's cake decorations are horrible, as is the lettering. At least the mouse/mouth cake is beautifully done. Though, I must agree with Tricia L's assessment that this would inspire fear of dentists.

And it truly is a good question whether Mouth or Post-it is the bigger wreck. Or bigger laugh! I think both need to go to the CW hall of infamy!!

RecoveringActor said...

@Tricia L HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now all I can hear is Carol Channing narrating this entire blogpost. In fact... Cake Wrecks... I think it's time you had a celebrity endorser. I nominate Carol Channing. Or Joan Rivers.

Duessa said...

They copied post-it notes... on the cake... That is a whole new brand of stupid right there, wow.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, That's interesting... I've lived in the south my entire life too and I've heard "gosh durn" often enough to remember thinking as a kid what a 'durn' was. Did they mean darn? In fact, my baby sitter says "gosh durn it!" It amuses me to no end. She also says warsh instead of wash... and she's lived here all her life too. At least I've travelled some, she's been within the same 100 miles her whole life and she's all the Southern Spitfire you can imagine complete with the white hair and the warbly voice.

T said...

these wreckerators are getting more devious by the day!

Keeley said...

Were there mice in Rocky Horror? Cause that's what the mouth reminds me of.

Renee said...

mice???

it looks to me like that giant mouth is ready to enjoy eating some nice stringy turds.

:::shudders:::

Q Smith said...

I just hope the mice don't jump into her mouth.

Bekah said...

Okay. Were you channeling Bones McCoy, but making him Southern for euphemistic reasons?

Guinevere 2005 said...

Happy Bairth Day....it sounds to me like someone with a Scottish accent ordered the cake and the decorators spelled it phonetically. Still...double checking would be not amiss here.

Colene said...

I just ordered some flowers over the phone. Now I'm afraid the card will include my "Ummm" and "Something like that" at the end.

Momofthesouth said...

You know what floors me is why don't these wreckerators CALL THE CUSTOMER to confirm their order if they are confused in the least?!?!?!

Bryna said...

At least the wreckorator scanned the image on to the cake and didn't just put the post-its right on the cake. :)

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Michele said...

Maybe the person who ordered the first cake had a heavy Scottish brogue. "Here's a cake tae celebrate th' bairth ay yer wee bairn, AnnA!"

Rachel said...

Isn't there some nagging voice in the back of their heads that says maybe, just maybe, they should call back and double check?

A Paperback Writer said...

You know, how that last wreckorator got all those lovely wrinkles in on the post-it note cake.... and the fact that the frosting looks like it's sweating..... it just adds to the general aura of disaster here.

Anonymous said...

that disembodied mouth is really creepy

"Guppy" Honaker said...

I hope Anna enjoyed her "BARTH"day cake! That was too funny.

- David

Aloe Vera 101
Holistic Health Info.

French Bean & Coffee Bean said...

Am I the only one who thinks those mice look like spermatazoa? o_O"

-French Bean

Anonymous said...

I think our biggest problem here is the assumption that the wreckerators speak English to start with. I'm just sayin'.

Jessica said...

The last one has ruined me. I mean, what else can the ordering public do? The notes were clearly written, directions looks understandable...
I'm just going to have to learn how to decorate cakes...

PS: Jen i was just curious..how do you feel about ice cream cakes?

Lori said...

At least I don't see any *chocolate sprinkles* on the mouse/mouth cake...

Mary said...

Mouse...mouth...see I can see where they might get it mixed up. lol

Christin said...

This is hilarious. God, people are idiots.

Thank God I'm an Aetheist said...

I can't read what is written on the post-its!!! Aaaarrrggghhhh!Can someone help?

Anonymous said...

How dumb are people

Cara said...

Wow at the mouth cake. At least they have some talent. Probably would've made a great mouse.

lisa_n: I have also lived in the South my entire life and I have heard 'gosh durn' plenty of times.
0_o

archersangel said...

on that second cake, are those mice or sperms?

Elizabeth said...

@ Thank God I'm an Aetheist:

I think the first post-it says: "Happy 50th ______." (someone's name I can't quite make out)

The second one says: "You may now assume the position."

Thanks for the stitch-in-the-side inducing post today, Jen! :D

WV: halshern - "Halshern I know what them there instrukshuns say? I ain't a jeenyus or nuthin!"

tanya said...

was anyone else amused to see "Cake Wrecks" referenced on the order sheet for the 30 Rock cake on Ace of Cakes last night? am i the only one who caught it?

Craig said...

The first two are clearly phone orders.

#1 has a decidedly Celtic feel -- I'd say Ireland or Scotland. My ancestry is Scottish, so I don't have a problem with a 'bairthday' cake. Someone wishing me a 'happy bairth', on the other hand, is a wee bit out o' kilter, ye ken.

#2 would be great for celebrating the grand opening of "Helen's Dentistry and Extermination Service". It would also make a superb poster, with the caption: "Always verify the customer's request." In either case, the transparent lower teeth (amazing effect, but SO out of place) are a great attention-getter. To distract attention from the 'mice' -- or whatever those things are with the unusually long tails. Ahem.

Matty's (really?) 'position' is a tad concerning, especially given the balloons. Is there a Wreckerator manual somewhere, specifying that balloon strings must look like tails?

The last two wrecks require a 21 *headdesk* salute.

wv: dograpp. [whistling...]

Katy said...

No, Helen is just a fan of the movie Never Cry Wolf!!

JamesterCK said...

I agree with some of the others; when I saw "Bairth" I immediately thought it must be someone with an accent, like Scottish. But why, oh why, do these cake decorators not clarify?

Arlene said...

Oh man where do I even begin? I say these wreckerators were all having a bit to drink before they read the order forms. Then they merrily wrecked each and every cake while whistling a happy tune. Because I can't think of one reason a giant mouth with mice surrounding it would make sense. To anyone lol.

Tricia L said...

That mouth cake is imbedded in my brain. I think that's the cover of your next book, Jen.

Aliza said...

Jessica's question makes me wonder... could Helen's mouth cake be inspired by the DQ ads?????

zombiekim said...

''Jim,' you're thinking, because you've once again forgotten my name and now apparently my gender as well..." Haha, I love it! I can't help but feel kinda bad for the folks who ordered the mouth cake and the Post-it, though. Looks expensive! Ah well, screwed up cakes make for better memories.

Anonymous said...

Helen is obviously a woman who enjoys her man.

wrecksfan said...

@4:23--I totally agree.

These kind of wrecks are my least favorite (sorry Jen--I still heart you big time) because I'm always sitting there thinking, well, duh, the people doing the decorating are working for minimum wage, if that, and it is quite likely that they spell Happy Birthday F-E-L-I-Z C-U-M-P-L-E-A-N-O-S, or the Ethiopian, Indian, Laotian pick-your-local-immigrant-population-here equivalent.

If I were given a scribbled post-it in Laotian I doubt I'd do much better. Probably, I'd do much worse. I'd be the Falker Satherhood star of Asia. Hmmm...*ponders future career move*

ahmo said...

I just got here from a link to a cupcake article. I nearly fell off my chair laughing at that post-it cake! What a refreshing and great site. I might get inspired to do some baking. hahahaha

Laura Cathrine said...

The worst part of it all... that mouth is actually really well done. The handwriting is good and the airbrushing looks great. Too bad the cake wasn't for an orthodontist. :o)

Spoony said...

The Post-it cake is okay, but guys, come one, the MOUTH CAKE!

Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I peruse this site occasionally and get a nice giggle, but that one? Laugh out loud funny!

Haiku Joy said...

Office supply cakes
should have scissors baked inside.
Finder - next year's host!