Thursday, July 29, 2010

It's Always the Quiet Ones

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that you turned in some important paperwork to your boss or teacher, and on that paperwork you had doodled pictures of yourself wearing either a halo or devil horns, and a clown floating in the clouds above you, looking on.

Do you suppose your boss/teacher might then call you in for a little chat? You know, just to see how the ol' home life was going? Maybe see if you needed anything, support and/or prescription-wise?

Because, as you may have guessed, this really isn't a purely hypothetical question.

I don't know what's going on here, but I fear for the dog's future.


In fact, from the looks of things I'd say a few of these wreckerators are one more "That's Karl with a Q" away from a destructive binge that ends with them pole-vaulting the counter and riding the floor waxer out in a blaze of glory.

"Go ahead, punk. Tell me you want sprinkles again."


So here's an idea, bakeries: Why not hire a psychologist to come in every now and then, you know, just to browse through the cakes? That way, when something like this pops up:

He or she will know it's time to schedule another stress seminar.


Or even to stage some kind of intervention:

"I don't get it; all I asked for was a birthday cake!"


Or - and I'm just spit-balling here - maybe to alert the proper authorities:

Um. Yeeeeah. When dark oily shadow blobs start sweet talking the customers, I'd say another sexual harassment seminar might be in order.



Don't worry, Amy W., Katie M., Magic Girl, Krystal K., & Kate F.; I hear they serve cake at those.
Beth M said...

I love how the first creepy cake was only $2.50... who are they kidding? they aren't selling that thing.

Sylph said...

awesome post as usual!!

I'm sure that last cake is the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz (and I'm sure you guessed that too). But why they didn't even attempt to put a green face on it, I can't guess.

All of those are hilariously awful!!

Anonymous said...

Those wreckerators might have to fight the customers for the floor waxers… I'm sure they're trying to get away from those "come hither" graves and blobs!

Was that supposed to be the post-meltdown Wicked Witch of the West or Armus from Star Trek: TNG's "Skin of Evil" episode?

DB

Anonymous said...

I'm not generally a "laugh out loud" kind of reader, but man, I was with this post. Love it!

Sarah M. Anderson said...

Riding the floor waxer in a blaze of glory is sheer brilliance!

ouggeway--the crying smiley face was ouggeway out of line.

Lauren Borquez said...

Yikes!...lol I love the last one :)

Amy said...

There are no words for that first one. And it once again proves that clowns are evil.

Amanda said...

*jawdrop*
Wow. Though the emo smiley-face one is just a victim of runny icing, I don't think it was intended to look like that.

The "join me" grave one, though... really? That's professionally made? O_O

Anonymous said...

Scary!!!

French Bean & Coffee Bean said...

Good Lord...o_O"

Maybe the first cake is the poor man's version of "It?"

-French Bean

Loew said...

The smiley face cake reminds me of the old Zalgo meme.

Zalgo! He comes!!

Dorci said...

That 4th paragraph is an absolute thing of comical beauty. Awesome.

Connie Moreno said...

Oh my god, this has to be my FAVORITE post yet!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!

Reverend Ref + said...

Wow . . . just . . . wow.

I have no other words.

Just . . . wow.

愛 - ちゃん said...

lol
I love this post. Who would have thought of making anything like that?

Anonymous said...

Completely disturbing . . . in the most hilarious way possible (thanks to your commentary). Really, what IS going through the minds of some of these, er, decorators?

Fluffy Cow said...

I too see the witch in the last one... perhaps I've been reading Cakewrecks too long.

spikat said...

Did anyone else notice the oil blob calling [presumably Dorothy] "my Pritty"?

Donna said...

I find myself suddenly jealous I don't have a floor-waxer to ride out in a blaze of glory... :(

Miss Sass the Science Lass said...

So, I have to ask. Is "Karl with a Q" a thing? Is it from a show or movie or something? Because when I was in high school, I met a kid through a friend who was very very odd, but also introduced himself as "Karl with a Q." It was extra creepy to see that exact phrase with all these creepy cakes.

Elise said...

As for riding the floor waxer out in a blaze of glory, I feel that everyone should know this about rotos: if you stand on it, you will go around in circles without moving forward or backward. Very, very quickly. Also, it feels like standing on a jackhammer.

Which is not to say it wouldn't be glorious. Nothing like suicide by Shaken Grownup Syndrome.

JW said...

AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

L.B. said...

The orange head of fury needs a happy flotsam smile to make his day. And yes, I too fear for that poor dog in the first pic. Awesome stuff, guys!

Marcy W. said...

OK, WTFishsticks is going on in that first one? Holy cow, it's like several bad dreams all combined into one. And that Wicked Witch needs some serious intervention.


WV - dalatspo: I got nothin'.

The Boob Nazi said...

hahaha the smiley face with tears made me laugh so hard.

Anonymous said...

I'm beginning to think these decorators are purposely trying to get their handiwork on Cake Wrecks. That's the only logical explanation I can come up with for these 'cakes'.

LaurenH said...

Ha! I may be totally off on this one as of course it's not a direct reference, but when I read "Karl with a Q" all I could think of was this: http://www.inprint.co.uk/thebookguide/bookshop-skit.htm

Casey said...

Ok, so I'm completely at a loss. Is it me or does the blob look like the shadow of the clown in the first post? I mean...weird. Now I wont be able to go down the cake isle at walmart for a while.

Roses said...

I'm scared. I can actually see the witch riding a broom on that last cake.

::lies down, takes temperature::

Jen said...

I want that first cake for my projectives class. XD One of our assignments is to have someone draw a person, a house, and a tree. >.> It's missing the tree, but otherwise, is totally perfect. XD

Pamela said...

Oh my I laughted. So bad but so funny. Golly people get paid to do such awful work. I guess store policy is nothing gets throw out till after its expire date, no matter what it looks like. Thanks to Cake Wreaks for being here to make our day.

Erin - Thrift Madness said...

You are aware that next week (Aug 1-7) is Clown Week?! You have to have some more good clown wrecks lying around. You have to!!!

Dennis said...

I fear for the puppies' futures. That dog is obviously lactating. By the way, has anybody seen the puppies lately?...

ladyrazorsharp said...

I think you've featured "Emo Smileyface" before but he's still just as creepy as ever. *shudder* Reminds me of a Stephen King novel or something.

The rest...0_o

ROFL floor waxer

Anonymous said...

Those are CRAZY.

The other day I was looking through the cake book at my local supermarket bakery (they've always turned out great for me!), and I saw what the elephant-in-the-tar-pit cake is supposed to look like. Anyway, the name of the cake is "Jungle Buddies"!

Lori said...

The creepy smiley face reminded me of the book South of Broad by Pat Conroy. Anyone else think the same?

Laura P. said...

So I was sitting here twisting my head all around, trying to see that last cake from different angles, hoping that I could see SOMETHING in it. Nope, not getting anything. Guess you must be right and it's just an oily blob. Nasty.

Great post.

pita said...

For my 16th birthday, I requested a graveyard cake complete with gravestones. My mom had to explain to the bakery 3 times that I did indeed want a graveyard for my 16th birthday cake. We were going for a creepy theme since my 16th Birthday was on Friday the 13th that year. I do give the bakery credit and have to say that the cake they made me looked a whole lot better than the cake posted here. And they managed to spell my name correctly!

Sarah said...

I just love this blog. It always cracks me up.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! That actually happened to me! I doodled pictures of angel and demon chibi cats, and one non-chibi, snarling, Sauron-eyed, demon cat captioned "Demon kitty wants your soul and your cookies" on a worksheet before I knew it would be turned in and I got sent to the councilor over it. I get that they're concerned, but they'll pull me out of class to talk about a doodle of a kitten with horns, but they never do a thing about the constant bullying. Schools need to get their priorities straight.

GrnEyes said...

Clowns is scary. Nuff said. That graveyard is totally creepy and proof that some death-obsessed goth wannabe snuck into the bakery that night. The face doesn't look so bad if you turn your head and pretend it's two tadpoles swimming away from...nope, got nothin', sorry.
As for that last cake, I actually DID see the witch right away, but the blob was so much funnier! KEEP 'EM COMIN' JEN!

Niki said...

I've been reading this blog too long ... my first thought when I looked at the graveyard cake was, "Why is that poor soul buried under a poo log?"

I'll never look at blobs of chocolate icing the same.

Chaos6267 said...

i especially liked the join me one! if you look closely at the oily blob you vaguely see that it is actually a hobbit with a cloak riding an oversized lollipop. DUH! and also i can't believe you didn't recognize a super clown comic when you saw one! the clown is rescuing the devil and angel from a colorless world! SO OBVIOUS! yes im being sarcastic.

Peachy said...

The first cake is terrifying, woah! If I ever saw that in a bakery I'd be seriously concerned about my future. Maybe I watch too many horror movies. It really did take me a minute to recognize the last one as a witch too, and I'm trying to figure out why a smiley face cake would drip like that. I can't come up with any reason. The drips aren't even all going the same way. So creepy.

moon said...

hey that yellow un-smilely face is a re-run. Im sure ive seen it on this sire before

Catherine Noble Beyer said...

Wow. Awesome post. Those are truly terrible. You've been doing a lot of bad-spelling wrecks of late, but these cakes, to me, are much more the epitome of Wreckage. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Raven M. Molisee: said...

The blob cake had my husband and me laughing for so long... it keeps coming up through out the day. Great post!

Anonymous said...

I went googling for "Karl with a Q" to see if there was some actual reference there. You're already there, along with several blogs talking about you, and not much else can be found.

Peter said...

The dog on the first cake will be perfectly fine! Looking at the redish aura it's probably a hellhound.

Anonymous said...

I think I'm starting to wonder why grocery store cakes are included on here. The "decorators" obviously aren't "professionals."

Chelsea said...

moon said
"hey that yellow un-smilely face is a re-run. Im sure ive seen it on this sire before"

Re-run, haha!

michelle said...

the "karl with a q" thing is (im pretty certain) a reference to crazy name spellings [on cakes], its not a 'thing'

Madge said...

I would totally buy the first cake for $2.50. I would *make* an occasion for that cake!

...but not for $3. That would be too expensive.

Stephanie said...

O_O <-- that's me after looking at those Wrecks. Yikes!

Kathryn said...

I'm an art therapist....This round of cakes really did feel like familiar territory for me.

Carole said...

I really thought in the last cake, I could make out the shape of Ursula the sea witch from the Little Mermaid. Oh crap! Now I need therapy!

Gina said...

Ha! LOVE these! That first cake is right up there with the teeny tiny balloons cake from way back when. I love me some edible existential crises.

Yvhv Hvtkē said...

Awesome round of cakes lol. I can so see the witch flying in front of the moon on the last one. I think it would have been better if they had done a better job on the broom, it looks more like a microphone. It kind of reminds me of what a witch cookie would end up looking like after baking it. Maybe that's what they used for their reference? I'm thinking that first one had to be bring your kid to work day or something. The smiley face...looks familiar, like I've seen that image before that wasn't cake. Like it's some grunge patch or poster. I can't imagine making that to put on the shelf though.

Cutelilsnot said...

Ok - I'm thinking "Rohrschalk" - and that clown-evil-thing...yikes...passive aggressive...this stuff is like a Fritz Lang nightmare!!! LMAO!!!

Malia said...

yea beth, thats the 1st thing i saw too! LMAO!

Anonymous said...

Professional? PROFESSional????
Who are ya trying to kid?

Though, I must be checking out this blog waaaay too often, as I saw the wicked witch on her broom immediately.

My family and friends do fear for my sanity. Oh.. never mind, it's long gone...

~~Di

Anonymous said...

You are all very silly and highly suggestable...

That last one was not, repeat NOT, the Wicked Witch.

You see...management DID hire a psychologist to observe the wreckerators in the bakery department. The psychologist "ink-blotted" the cake to see what the wreckerator's reaction would be...

...and...Voila!...clearly, CLEARLY, some wreckerator has "issues" with management! But now the pschologist knows where to start during the up-coming scheduled therapy sessions, sensitivity training and team-building workshops!

Mandy said...

I love it! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

lolololol

Theresa Cassiday said...

I had such a terrible day -- flat on in the Interstate in a tire I bought 5 weeks ago & missed lunch with a friend. Then drove 40 minutes through traffic from hell so we could get my son's sports physical notarized, only to discover that the notary left early and we couldn't get to her office because the floor was being waxed. Then was treated like a stupid bimbo by a "customer service" rep on the phone. This, however, has me HOWLING with laughter. Thanks for ending my bad day!

Angie said...

What the what?????

If not for the commentary you provided, I'd be having nightmares about these cakes...



falatin: These are not exactly what I'd call "high falatin'" cakes.

BADKarma! said...

I think the "smiley face" cake was a sad, pathetic, ill-starred attempt at the iconic image from "The Watchmen"...

And also, don't worry about the pooch on that first cake. She clearly is not a dog at all, but rather the she-wolf who nursed Romulus and Remus. As such, she is a bad-ass, and can surely take any frickin' clown, even if they DO "all float down here".

Arlene said...

In that first picture it looks like part of the sky is falling on the kid and that clown is about to flatten the dog lol. What are they trying to say? The only time I see happy faces with bleeding eyes is in a horror movie. I know I sure wouldn't want these wreckerators around my house come Halloween lol.

Anonymous said...

I tried, but I just cannot see a witch in that oil slick. All I could think is that the cake must have been commissioned by BP as some sort of bizarre recruitment tool to get more attractive people to clean up the Gulf.

shikishinobi said...

While these cakes are disturbing, if not satanically created, there is only one I'd let slip and that is the cemetary. Some people enjoy rubbing the fact their friends are no longer in their prime with some deathday cake. However, it still looks somewhat odd in both shape and structure.

Craig said...

Yikes!!!

"Karl with a Q"? How about "Kevin -- that's K-V-E-I-N." Karl with a K always makes me think of Sling Blade. "That'll work, I reckon."

Riding the floor waxer (some are fairly large and intended to be ridden) for some reason made me think of that Robin Williams movie -- the one where he plays the one-hour photo guy.

The first (appropriately-priced) wreck reminds me of a drawing made by the little girl in 'The Amityville Horror'. That doesn't explain the clown, but then, what does. Maybe 'Jodie' knows what it means -- that's a bakery I want to stay far away from.

#2 A langolier, perhaps? Or maybe the first-ever depiction in frosting of a gnole (from 'The Man Who Sold Rope to The Gnoles').

#5 Clearly Oz. Ok, 'clearly' isn't the best choice of words; the quote should have been, "I'm melting!" (Or in reference to the first wreck, "I'll get you and your little dog, too!")

KarenElizabeth said...

I had to look really, really hard to see the witch in the last cake ... because the first thing I saw in that particular Roarsch-test blob was a squirrel -- a squirrel who was VERY happy to see me, if you get my drift. And once that had been seen, it wasn't getting un-seen. I think I'm going to have nightmares about blobby squirrel sex predators tonight.

Jini said...

You're clearly missing the mark on the Oil Slick cake. That's the slick that killed Tasha Yar on The Next Generation.

Kimberly Chapman said...

I'm with BadKarma...I think the smiley face was supposed to be Watchmen-like. In a really awful way and maybe they had too much SuperBlack and were out of SuperRed so they just went with it.

Or something.

You know, trying to apply rationality to some of these wrecks can cause dain bramage.

anoniem said...

The really creepy smiley looks like the symbol that the killer uses in the tv-series 'The Mentalist'.
So this is what he does in summer, when the series aren't running...

Craig said...

Ok, clicking on the first wreck clarifies a few things:

The price refers to 'hot chocolate cupcakes' on the shelf above. Whether the cupcakes are hot or taste like hot chocolate is typically left to the parsing skills of the reader.

Some doting relative may have had a child's drawing printed on the cake, but that STILL doesn't explain either the 'angel / devil' motif or the clown.

Neither children or wreckerators usually draw such straight lines as are seen in the 'house'. Maybe someone -- or something -- lent a hand. Speaking of which...

The clown has no discernible hands (or eye pupils or feet), which kicks the whole wreck up about five notches on the 'creepy' scale.

Is anyone else experiencing both curiosity and dread about the back story?

Iris said...

creepy graveyard cake /could/ be a reference to the HIM song "Join me in Death", but still.... very... um... special...

Wendy said...

I particularly like the incongruity of the rosebuds around the unhappy face cake. Excellent little touch.

sottedblotters said...

Sarah C
That smiley cake is definitely an attempt at The Watchmen icon.

ANewEternalTruth said...

That clown cake with the house drawing has to be one of the single most terrifying things I have ever seen. Its practically creepypasta!!

Haiku Joy said...

Despite his longing,
3D clown is too 3D.
Dreams his Flatland dreams.