[brightly] "So let's just get started, shall we?
"First of all, you should note that I often use the words 'ice' and 'frost' interchangeably. So you brown-nosing idiots with the bags of ice can just go dump those in the sink. Yes, now. Thank you.
"Okey dokey, I will now hold up the results of yesterday's pop quiz and mock you each accordingly. And since I can't be bothered to remember your names, I've assigned you each a nickname based on the individual horrors of what I will laughingly call your 'cakes.'
"Let's start with you, Mr. Gap-Cracky."
"Yes, you. Your name is now 'Mr. Gap-Cracky' because I've seen less gaping holes in some of your hipster friends' jeans. Ever heard of a spatula? Or do you coil all your icing at home?"Oh, be quiet; that was rhetorical.
"Next up is Ruffles."
"My dear, how is it that you managed to change the colors of your icing, but not the tip on your pastry bag? Is that leaf tip glued in place? Or are you just sentimentally attached to making really, really ugly things?"Oh, you think that's funny, Stegosaurus? How about we look at *your* cake?
"Do you know why your nickname is 'Stegosaurus,' son? No? It's because the Stegosaurus has a brain the size of a walnut. What'd you, spread this with your feet?[rubbing temples] "And next we have Sprinkles."
[sighing] "I would lambaste you with a withering criticism, Sprinkles, but I can see from your vacant expression that intelligent thought is lost on you. So just give me your sprinkles jar and go sit in the back. Go on. There's a good boy."I have to hand it to you, Ms. Puff n' Stuff; if I hadn't cut into your cake I might not have discovered your deception:
"Gopher guts, girl, I've seen meringue pies with less filling! What are you, some kind of plant sent by an insulin manufacturer? Are you trying to kill us all?"What's that? You like icing? Well, Duncan Hines, girl, *I* like my pancreas. You think we can reach some kind of compromise that doesn't include me in diabetic shock? Hm?
"And finally, for your final classmate, I'm afraid I ran out of clever nicknames.
"So I'm just going to call you Crap Pile, son. Judging by this cake, I'm sure you're accustomed to answering to much worse.[bell rings]
"Ok, class, time for you to get back to your bakeries and ruining the happy occasions of cake lovers everywhere. Have fun. I'll just be here, weeping for your clients."
Hey, Courtney H., Kristi R., Gaye E., Jennette F., Jennifer V., & Val S., check it out; apparently the good teacher here also moonlights as a therapist:
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137 comments | Post a Comment
I sooooo look forward to my morning laugh with you every day! Thanks for giving me something to look forward to and making me feel so much better about the cakes I make!
Huge misinterpretation of "I Want Sprinkles" there.
All of those things need to remain securely under plastic domed covers. (shivers)
wv: ploomye. These just need a big feather ploomye out the tops to complete the horror.
Ok, as usual, the cakes are beyond comprehension. But, really, I just signed on to say that is the best commercial EVER!
Poor Ms. Puff N Stuff. It's hard to get a cake to come out level, although I usually end up with a slight rise in the center. How she managed to get a crater instead is beyond me.
You've spawned new humor:
http://news.yahoo.com/comics/off-the-mark
I know - it has nothing to do with cake.
~~Di
Thanks for the laughs every day!!
Bwaaaaaah... dying - love the commercial - hate the cakes - love your commentary :)
I am not feeling well to begin with, and Ms. Puff'n'Stuff's cake made me throw up in my mouth. Blurgh.
This might just be, your best post to date. Sooo freakin' witty!
All of that frosting kind of makes me gag a little...
Is Crap Pile's cake supposed to be a basket weave? I can see right now I need to be showing my almost 5 year old *these* pictures and not the ones off the Wilton website so she's not disappointed in her giraffe birthday cake. Of course, no one is paying me for the cake. (I'll be paying therapists because of it...)
I loved the commentary today. I wasn't reading it as R. Lee Ermey, but with a British accent like Gordon Ramsay.
!!
The amount of icing! Whoa.
... Whoa....
I'd quite like to be in that 101 class! :)
Also, aesthetics aside, I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy Ms Puff'n'Stuff's attempt... love frosting!
People pay for these...
My 2.5 year old daughter sits on my lap while I read CW every morning and says for every cake, "I want that for my birthday party! I want that for my birthday party!" for every single one. Yet even my 2.5 year old cake-obsessed (well, birthday obsessed) toddler said, "What the heck?" (with the cutest inflection ever) to the "frosting with cake under it"
Ok, they were bad but I came to a halt when I saw ms puff n stuff. OMG. That was not a sunken cake, it was an entire layer that was missing. Did that person forget to bake/thaw the second layer and think the recipient was NOT going to notice that the height was due to the ton of icing?
And I thought the ruffle one was bad enough (probably trying to match the food network cake challenge of decorating a cake with a single tip), but the last one really one out. What in the world was that supposed to be? Someone's interpretation of basket weave? Picasso's work is easier to understand than that.
You did it again, another wrecked break! luv ya!!
Sandy C.
Wouldn't it be more economical to make another cake instead of using 10 lbs of frosting, Puff n' Stuff? (Unless, of course, this cake was for Passover, and they really love frosting.)
Good gravy. I like frosting too, but Ms. Puff 'N Stuff's cake still makes me gag. Why do some people think it's acceptable to level out a cake with bucketloads of frosting?
WV: redledis. That ruffle cake looks like a pile of redledis.
Perfect timing...my Miss Chef is starting teaching in culinary school next Monday, and she's a little nervous. This might make her feel...worse. Hmmm....
this is an awesome collection of wrecks!
the 9:1 cake to frosting turn 1:9 in puff-n-stuff's cake makes us question just how level that oven is... or just ʇɐɥʍ əɥʇ ʎəɥ happened in that cake pan! heh.
there should be an award for that frosting cover up.
[and reading this blog seems to have the reverse effect on me over the majority of readers. i've experienced a craving for frosting over the last 2 years. maybe it's time i go wreck shopping. ha ha.]
Mr. Gap-Cracky?!!! HAHAHAHAHAH
Re: Puff 'n Stuff; did they run out of sheet cakes that day? Or was the birthday boy/girl a known frosting fiend? Because I have to tell you, I do know a few folks who eat frosting straight out of the jar and would be all over that "cake."
The last one proves that you CAN frost a cake with the big old icing tip and not smooth it out with a spatula. But just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. They must have been really, really short on time.
Good grief, I'm an amateur who makes occasional layer cakes at home with just a spatula and no pastry bag, and my cakes look like culinary masterpieces compared to these!
What is so hard about it?? Or is it just laziness?
Also: @Di - LOVE comic!
I'm pretty sure Ms. Puff n' Stuff wants me to empty the entire insulin reservoir in my pump in one sitting. I can feel by blood sugar rising right now.
Hi-freakin-larious!!! I was laughing so hard at my desk! What the heck are some of those things? Was there a national "Throw some crappy icing on top of a cake making no particular resemblance to anything" Day that I didn't know about?! Ah!
Absolutely one of the best posts! Your commentary is hysterical! As usual, the cakes defy description - and yet you manage it brilliantly. Thanks for the laughs.
My 2 year old daughter loves to look at cakes with me and I love to hear her comments. Today we got to the Crap Pile and she said "Look! Socks! Pink and blue and white socks."
I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THIS POST! I can't believe that cake with all the frosting and NOOOO cake!
and the link to the video at the end...one of my favorite actors. I love you even more now ;)
I guess if all that frosting was whipped cream it would not be sooooo bad, but I would want to still have a better cake to topping ratio. Thanks for the daily laugh.
Oh for heaven's sake... how did these people get employed?
I love your classroom type critique!
I agree with Tricia! I looove your commenatary. You are so funny. Thank you. CC
I love, Love, LOVE that GEICO ad! R. Lee Ermey is just...(dare I say it? YES!) icing on the cake!
Sometimes it's just better to skip the celebratory cake as these "bakers" prove. Ugh.
Currently, I have been leaning toward your other awesome blog, Epbot, but this hilarious post just rekindled my passion for Cake Wrecks.
thank you for my daily dose of humor, Jen!!!
I'm surprised no one's commented on "Stegosaurus" yet. The more-icing-then-cake was funny and terrible, but at least they did a fairly good job of it.... but come on! Stegosaurus's cake was absolutely terrible! The cake itself looked great, but whyyyy would you put out a cake after just dumping the icing on it? Without using anything to spread it over the cake or anything??? Honestly, when I first looked at that cake I thought it was covered in snot.... just terrible.
Absolutely fantastic post as ever, though!
What makes Puff 'N' Stuff worse is if you look really closely it looks like Half of the cake is normal. Either half of the cake fell and they didn't want top bother rebaking it or they didn't want to bother stacking on the other half of the layer. There is no excuse for that abomination! If the cake did fall.....that means that the part covered with frosting probably tastes nasty!
Mr. Gap-Cracky has lips and they are sneering. Eww.
Love this site, Jen.
mocking
I think this post reads best if the text is read by Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester. Come on, try it in your head, you know I'm right! :)
My daughter, now 4, has been decorating cakes for two years. Her first cake ever had a better icing job. Oh sure, it was still a mess, but she was 2 so it was frickin' adorable and understandable, and just for Daddy's birthday.
How these people continue to get *paid* is beyond me.
I really, really, really want you to start teaching classes in precisely this style. Just think, you could surpass Kerry Vincent in number of decorators who fear your withering stare.
Maybe you should come do a talk/class at the 2011 Austin show...hrm...*thoughtspercolatingwildlymuahahahaha*...
WV: ooleet, as in, oo, I never thought leet speakers could spell better than some cake decorators.
This is the most hilarious thing I've read all day. Thanks!
"Crap-pile" accustomed to being called much worse? HAHAHAHAHAHA! I can only imagine what... Great post today.
I don't comment often, but I must say that today's post is especially funny! And 'crap pile' was classic. I may start using it around the house, but then I get those intrusive questions from my children...
Shelley in Southern Illinois
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I didn't know ya had it in you Jen!!!!! This instructor should be a staple in your blog......LOVE IT!
ncd1011
Stegosaurus' cake is not a wreck. It's a nicely-done map of Antarctica. True, it's not very detailed, but it gets the basic idea across quite effectively.
These truly hit an all time low, and even Simon what's-his-face couldn't have put them down better. My daughter at 10 years old did much better than this. She took at Wilton class at Penney's by herself. Ah, Jen, could you check out the difference between "less" and "fewer" - one of my pet peeves. Fewer modifies individual numbers (cracks) and Less modifies total quantity or amount.
Norine
It hurts to look at that photo with so little cake and too much frosting. My guts gurgled in protest.
I looked at the last cake and immediately saw a pair of unused...ahem...feminine napkins. Anyone else???
As the owner of a recently blue-screened pancreas, OMG WTF FROSTING FIENDS?!
I'm with Lady J. Why so little attention to Stegosaurus. It takes real chutzpah to display a cake into which you've put such an obvious lack of effort. At least puff-n-stuff TRIED! Most of your wrecks are like that... sad, but at least reflecting effort and worthy of a giggle, snarf, laugh, guffaw, etc. But Stegosaurus just made me mad. Am I rambling? Cause it feels like I'm rambling. That's what happens to me when people totally phone it in.
Wondering if the "Puff and Stuff" one isn't an ice cream cake? It sure looks firm and the cut edges are very straight. Unless that's super stiff frosting. In which case, ewww.
Even if these wreckerators are incompetent, lazy, and completely lacking any hint of taste, where are the bakery and/or store managers to prevent these embarrassments from going on display? These are so bad, they are thoroughly unappetizing... and presumably unsaleable.
These are so bad, that your witty remarks still couldn't elicit anything beyond a shudder and wince!!
And as for PuffnStuff-- I don't like most icings. So maybe I'm just nauseated because of that?
I think I just went into a sugar coma just looking at Ms. Puff n' Stuff's cake. O.o Exactly how much frosting is even ON that cake?
the last one looks like a comb-over to me. Maybe it was a supposed to be a raked zen-garden.
You are so funny! And I love that commercial and the guy playing the therapist! Ooooo maybe you and he should get together and show cake wreckers how to do it!
STEGOSAURUS!!!!!!!
that is now going to be the new term said aloud whenever the hubby and I come across a cake wreck.
it's so much more covert than our usual, "WTF?!?", which often gives us many nasty glares from bakers and other customers! teeheehee!!!
I'd be so sad to think I had a beautiful cake only to get it home and.... there's no cake inside!! *crumble*
Love the Geico commercial! :) Thanks for sharing!
I just saw that geico commercial for the first time last night! Good call including it. Love it. Funny, though, when I say stuff like that to people, all it gets me is a whole lotta grief.
Although I believe cake is merely a convenient frosting conveyor... great coogly moogly!
That is the BEST commercial! R. Lee rocks!
OMG...the Puff N Stuff cake is amazing! Did they really think no one would notice? Or is it like the drive-thru? They figure by the time you notice what they've done you'll be too far away to do anything. Except in this case you put it on the internet for everyone to laugh at and mock. Awesome! :)
I'm guessing the frosting on that first cake is supposed to represent train tracks, and therefore the wrap-around-look?
Still looks sucky.
That frosting with cake made me faf just looking at it and that last one was just HUH? .
I'm a type 2 diabetic and the cake with ridiculous amounts of icing just scares me. It looks like it was one regular grocery store sized tub per slice! Viva la COMA!
I SO needed that laugh this morning!! This has to be one of the best posts! THANK YOU!!!!!
Having decorated in a grocery store bakery, this is how these cakes come about...Store manager says: "I want these empty shelves filled with cakes. Everyone get to work..."
Kathy Cakorator!!
The Stegosaurus cake looks like it is covered in thick, furry mold.
Anyone else see it?
It's giving me the heebie-jeebies.
Thanks for another installment of laughs!
That "stegosaurus" cake seriously looks like it's been topped with that foamy barf that my bulldog likes to launch all over the carpet after gulping down too much water! My gag reflex was totally activated just by looking at that cake!
Hey! I'm a total cakewrecks fan, but I didn't find the diabetes jokes funny....becoming diabetic has nothing to do with eating too much sugar at one time. Type 1 diabetes is caused from your pancreas shutting down. However, 95% of diabetics are type 2, so I'm going to assume that you are referring to that. Of course, eating that cake everyday and subsequently becoming overweight WILL cause diabetes. but just one slice will not. All in all, try not to make diabetes joke, because it just spreads the ignorance.
Sincerely,
A loyal CakeWrecks fan.
Is the ms Puf-n-stuf cake an Ice-cream cake? I thought they were usual in America...if not ice-cream, that is what we in England call hideously grotesque or just plain blech! x x x love the site btw...my 8yr oldloves to have a sneaky peek....
@Anonymous at 12:18
Ha! I thought I was the only one with the "less" and "fewer" pet peeve. Thanks for sharing.
Oh god. I love frosting but the 5 inches of frosting on the one cake? Holy mother. That's too much for even me. Gah!
Cake Wrecks is rapidly becoming one of my "Happy Places." THANKS for the large guffaws today!!
:) Mags
The pink, white, and blue monstrosity reminds me of lasagna noodles, which makes me think it was touched by his noodly appendage. XD
"Puke Lasagna"
-t
The stegosaurus cake makes me think that perhaps the baker was out sick suddenly, but there were no decorated cakes out, so the manager grabbed the janitor and said, can you slap some icing on these quick and put them out? Thanks man!
I think the most disturbing thing about today's post is that it actually makes me crave icing. (There must be something wrong with me today.)
Also: I read the commentary in a slightly bored Lois Greening voice.
Saw the Geiko ad for the first time last night... Hilarious!
As for "Stegosaurus'" cake... Is it my imagination that the white icing is shaped like Pangaea? Perhaps he's not so stupid, after all... or maybe he is.
http://www.canadiangeographic.ca/atlas/glossary.aspx?alpha=p&id=227&lang=En
:D Eeeeeeeeee! I've been loving that Geiko commercial lately too! That and the Abe Lincoln one! I hate most of their commercials but these two have been winners!
And .....oh look there are cake wrecks too ;) I love the Class room theme you went with.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for being hilarious.
LOL! I crack up the majority of the time I visit this page! Today with your "class lesson" was NO exception! Keep those funny one liner's comin'! Smiles on this face for sure!
Thanks for the laughs!
IMO, that last one should be christened with the name "Spackle".
It looks to me like Puff-n-Stuff is almost certainly NOT an ice cream cake. Simply because, you can see in the the piece behind (uppermost part of the image, slightly left of center) that the cake layer there DOES reach up nearly to the top, and is covered by a more-sane layer of icing.
(Which makes the crazily-concave shape of the entire cake all the more gross.)
As a Cake Decorating Instructor.....I'm laughing to the point of needing an oxygen tank to help me catch my breath. This is hysterical. This makes my day. Thank you for what you do. Here's hoping you & I never go out of business. I'm pretty sure we've both got job security forever!
They are called Sprinkles not Dumpers for a reason.
Those wreckerators must be trying to lose their jobs or tick off the boss. They can't think that those cakes look sellable.
Annette M.
I absolutely read this in R. Lee Ermey's voice, and for the (copious!) icing on the cake you posted the Geico commercial. Which makes me laugh hysterically anytime I see it.
"Who taught you how to decorate a cake, you jackwagon?!" ROFL
Totally a Sue Sylvester-worthy commentary. Hilarious!
I want to know how the baker got so much icing on that one cake. That is a lot of frosting!!!
Actually crippled with giggles, Jen you know just how to strike the right tone for every post, but this was something above and beyond. "Just going to call you Crap Pile" :')
As for the actual cakes, well the Ms. Puff n' Stuff has to be the most heinous simply because of the genuine danger to the consumer's wellbeing. Though the one by ruffles amused me most for the sheer strangeness of ruining what might have been an actually passable cake by using a leaf tip for the whole thing [thinking about it Ruffles might have just lost all the other tips].
Great commentary!
I imagined the whole thing in Alan Rickman's voice, because the idea of Snape as the instructor just made it funnier.
I'm totally ok with the mostly icing cake, but with butter-creme icing - not that crappy whipped cream stuff.
That last cake looks like a pile of tube socks. At least they're clean tube socks.
XD XD XD one of your funniest posts yet. Love the ad
I'm not sure if that's frosting on Stegosaurus's cake. It kind of looks like mold to me.
Perhaps if Ms. Puff N Stuff and Mr. Stegosaurus worked together things would even out? Loved the added bonus video.
I'm snorting and on the verge of tears at the same time. Thanks for the excellent narration!!
Oh my gosh, I am wiping away the tears from laughing so hard. That was the funniest post I've ever read! Thanks for the laughs!
Yellow boots! When I saw these, I thought of you!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50612291/sea-legs-sailors-yellow-goulashes
Guess I have Cake Wrecks and Epbot on the brain.
Keep on Wreckin'!
I like "Ruffles." :/
Good god! those are horrible! How on earth did those happen!?!?
oh, this was your best post EVER.I was LOL, which I rarely do. But when you got to Crap Pile. . . (wiping eyes) ah, I needed that.
word verification: falin
which is what all those "students" were "doin"
before I scrolled down I was thinking to myself, "Why did I just hear Lee Ermey saying "CRAP PILE" ? apparently you did too, you jack-wagon ;)
Oh my god!
U r Sue Sylvester!!
Thnks for the laughs!
kisses from Brazil~
Seriously, what happens to cakes that no-one will ever buy? Homeless shelters? Delivered to local schools and cut up to hide the shame? Inquiring raccoons want to know, because we're not finding enough cake in your trash.
Jen, Off the Mark had a tribute to you today...stinkin' funny. http://comics.com/off_the_mark/2010-07-08/
You make my day, woman.
wv: hersh - Some readers can be hersh when their panties get wadded.
If Sprinkles is buttercream, we will buy it!!! That would make my 4 year old VERY happy!
Loyal CakeWrecks Fan,
It's true that eating a lot of sugar (by itself) doesn't cause diabetes. But eating a lot of sugar will kill you if you HAVE diabetes. That's what I took to be the assumption behind the "diabetes" jokes.
your commentary was great today!
For some reason, the name I had in mind for the last cake was "Maxi Pad." Just sayin'.
I am speechless.. almost. These are hilarious. I would have loved to be the idiot in the back of that classroom laughing my head off lol. I would of course be sent to the principle but I would be happy. Ugh what on earth do these people take every morning to produce these horrid things??
I imagined Dr. Cox from the show "Scrubs" when reading these. Crazy, ranting insults are his forte.
Also, Ms. Puff n' Stuff's cake makes my teeth hurt just thinking about biting into that sugary mess!
Those were some amazingly badly frosted cakes. The last one looks to me like it was made using the leftover icing from several other cakes just sort of haphazardly applied in a mediocre attempt at an artistic design.
Cor, I choked on my coffee laughing at that!
Thanks for the laugh, priceless today :)
I've now read today's post three times, it's that good. This time, though, I tried it in Jane Lynch's voice but it kept morphing into Kerry Vincent. Either way, it is hilarious.
My opinion on Stegosaurus' cake is the "topping" is meringue that he forgot to cook. Looks like just egg whites and sugar. Yuck.
When, after Sprinkles, you said "I can see from your vacant expression," my brain immediately went on to "the lights are not all on upstairs, but we're talking kings and succession. Even YOU can't get caught unawares!"
I feel sorry that so many plastic domes are sacrificed to these cakes. (YOU=HILARIOUS.)
The last one looks like an Easter lasagna!
I just saw that commercial last night! Love it! :)
The cakes? Just plain sad, all of them.
wv:helisha- That's a helisha job you did on that cake, Crap Pile.
I don't think the ruffle one was all *that* bad, although it wasn't great either.
Holy buttercream, Batman! These cakes are SCARY! o_O
Am I the only person who heard this post in Sue Sylvester's voice from Glee? Seriously now.
WV: bablecog. One of those unidentifiable cake toppers.
This section seriously needs a "Like" button XD. Marvelous. Simply marvelous.
Jeeeeeeeeen! I can't read your funny comments because a stupid advert pops out from the side and covers them! Make it stop! Make it stop!
Hahaha! After your recommendation on Twitter, I went back and mentally listening to this as though Sue Sylvester were speaking. It was even funnier than the first time I read it!
Sue, you're an inspiration to us all.
Oh, I would KILL to have a Ms. Puff n Stuff cake! mmm... icing. me and that icing, we're gonna make babies. sweet jesus.
I love cake wrecks! Every time I check your blog, I am NEVER disappointed.
Awesome as always - thanks for the much-needed laughs!
And BTW my fellow Grammar Snobs: if the "less" you refer to were modifying "gaps" you would be correct in your nit-pickyness. If, as I believe, Jen was using it to modify "gaping", she was 100% correct. My 2 cents...
I work in an operating room, and the "Ruffles" cake looks just like large intestines. Mmmm. Tasty colon cake!
Dave
I am about 85% sure that that badly iced creme cake is from the bakery I work in.
(The "What'd you, spread this with your feet?" cake.)
Somehow it would be worse if it wasn't from that specific bakery, because it would mean that there are badly iced creme cakes springing up in bakeries all across the nation.
(No, I don't ice the cakes.)
Best. CW post. EVERRRRRRR.
WV: scurdsu. Invert ("U scurds!") for when Teach absolutely can't grasp for another withering insult and needs to result to nonsense.
I called my husband over to look at the icing (that's Canadian for frosting) with cake and he laughed and said, "Come on." He refused to believe that it was a real photo of a real cake.
...is this class taught by Rodney McKay?
(because I would take that class)
I guess I'm the only one who looked at Puff n' Stuff's cake and went yum! That's like my perfect ratio XD
I'm well known for liking the frosting more than the cake :) If I had to choose between the two, it'd be frosting every time ^^
Hilarious and fanastic post, Jen. One of my favourites ever!
I laughed so hard at the name, "Mr Gap Cracky" that it was difficult to continue. I was giggling uncontrollably and it actually scared me....like, what if I couldn't stop to catch a breath? I was clutching my chest, sure that I was having a laugh induced heart attack.
Luckily, it wasn't a heart attack. I'm ok. My insides still feel a little shaky but I'm not hurt.
The 2nd to last cake w/the 6 inches of frosting looks yummo to me!! Love me some frostin'!
I love your blog here. I found it yesterday (at work), and was laughing so hard at some of the wedding cakes that I couldn't stop crying. Hard to believe there are so many bad cakes and bakers out there... Keep them coming!
Thanks!
Dinosaur go walk.
Step in pile of . . . dinosaur.
Where scrape foot? Oh, cake!