Thursday, January 21, 2010

New Year's Diet Aid

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Did you know that 89.3% of New Year's resolution diets FAIL in just 3 weeks?

No?

Well, that's probably because I made that stat up. (FACT: 63.4% of statistics are made up on the spot.)

I'm pretty sure most diets do fail, though, on account of their requiring you to eat significantly smaller portions of cake - and, let's face it, that's a trade-off no one wants to make.

Still, for you foolhardy few trudging on in blatant defiance of Mother Nature, your genetics, and the Baskin Robbins large chocolate Oreo shake, here are some motivational visuals sure to make you lose your appetite, if not that spare tire.

Imagine semi-congealed cement. With a chaser of pond scum. And a dead, flattened snake.

Now, imagine washing that all down with a niiice, cold glass of milk.

Feeling motivated yet?




I bet this cake would taste really wet. And Reddi-Whip-ee. And...silk flowery.


This next one has a dual purpose: it will make you want to avoid cake and a career in proctology.


I have no words. And, frankly, the only thing that could follow this up would be...well, this:

(C'mon, bakers, really? Chocolate poo swirled icing AND strawberry syrup? Really?)

I feel I should warn you: this next cake will guarantee you'll never, EVER, want sprinkles again.

Well, at least not chocolate sprinkles. Yech.

And if you're still not convinced:

This is one hairy situation, guys. A very public, hairy situation. Not good.


Sometimes you don't need icing or sprinkles to Wreck a cake, though. Sometimes, all you need is a can of fruit filling.

I am never eating blueberries again.


Hannah C., Ellysa C., Cynthia M., Johanna., Julie & Chris B., Jessica G., & Julia S., with cakes like these, who needs Weight Watchers?


- Related Wreckage: I Think I'll Have the Salad Today

RSS Feed Update: Due to excessive internet thievery (boo, spam blogs!) I've finally had to pull the plug on our full RSS feed. We're still tinkering and experimenting with options, though, so please bear with us!
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Ruth said...

To echo others, I read RSS offline on my iPod Touch, so can't read the site without full feeds. It's impossible to load the full site and read it well with ads and such in the tiny screen.

Bob Dole said...

The RSS thing is an inconvenience, but not an overwhelming one; on days when I'm reading cached stuff offline, I can just skip CW and catch up sometime later. My question is really with the idea that this is going to do anything at all to prevent the site from being stolen - yeah, they're using RSS to do it now because it was there, but now that it's gone they'll just update their scripts to suck down the main site and will be back up to speed in a few days. I work in the IT security business, and this is just a bad security measure - one that inconveniences your regular users but does nothing to protect you against malicious users. I would urge you to reconsider.

That said, I still love the site, and you guys do great work.

Nikki said...

I have, in fact, lost my appetite.

Anonymous said...

I must really have a problem, because i think i'd still eat those, except maybe the blueberry glop and wet ones. mmm, cake...

WriteCards said...

I'm sitting here with a violent cold, coughing my lungs out. Lungs. Who needs them anyway.

Back to the point. I'm coughing so much that I'm nauseated. Don't need my stomach either. However, when I looked at these cakes . . . especially the bloody poo swirled one . . . I literally tossed my cookies. Or should I say, "I tossed my cake?"

Shudder.

These were just plain gross!

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or does the angle of that bloody poo cake photo make it look like it was taken from BEHIND the counter?

Mary said...

It seems really sad when kids these days can't get the instant gratification they have grown up with and their parents let them get away with. so what if the RSS feed is gone, and you have to click through a few more times. or if you have to wait until you get home and see this site on a real computer instead of your blackberry. Sheesh whine whine whine.

What would happen to all these people who rely so heavily on technology for everything if we had a power outtage for more than a month because of an earthquake or flood? Think about that and stop whining.

beautifamous said...

I *was eating breakfast. I got all the way through to the blueberries and actually gagged on my cereal.

nazani said...

Cake #1 is proof of abiogenesis. has Kirk Cameron seen it yet?

viciousrumours said...

I've been lurking on your site for the last two months ever since someone linked it on Facebook. Our family has been under some serious stressors lately and I have to tell you what a pick-me-up your site is. Even when I'm having what feels like the worst day, if I pop on here I'm smiling in seconds. Thanks for taking the time to do this, it really is appreciated.

Nicole said...

I just wanted to say that I absolutely LOVE this site! So funny. :)

Liz said...

OMG. That brown swirly icing with strawberry topping made me think of bowel cancer!

ALISHA JOY said...

Just found your site today and spent an hour LAUGHING MY ACE OFF!!! Thank you for making my night. Holly Hilarious!

shikishinobi said...

Bum-cake is not an issue. It would actually be a piece of arse a lot of men wouldn't otherwise get.
Cake one looks like something you scoop together from some lost corner of a swamp. It is a good deturent for dieting.
Cake 2... just no!
Cake 4 looks like a lot of donuts crammed together and tomato sauce sprayed on top.
Cake 5 and 6 are do look like Pinky and the Brains tray before changing it.
Cake 7 is simply from a goat farm.

JAB said...

This has to be the most wrecktastic collection of wrecks you've ever posted. The bloody poo one made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Mel said...

"Blueberries"? More like "Poo-berries" if you ask me...

Alessandra said...

....where are those cakes from???...specially the one of Chad....and the butt...and the green one that looks like a post-exorcism throw up....You guys truly surprise me....oooooh.my.goodness....

Sophie (8th.gr.) said...

Last cake. My train of thought:
*reading* No frosting...No sprinkles...*end-of-reading*...And no cake? All I see is a cake board and something my cat coughed up into my fish tank.

Last week.

daffodil said...

the third one looks like a lower GI bleed. And I love the rat one. Going to do that for my daughter's next birthday.

Haiku Joy said...

Resourceful, thoughtful,
Personalizing pastries.
A rat's a good friend!

Anonymous said...

i am not wanting to be the eeter ov dis caak!

Ellen K said...

Love the Todd Snider reference!

Anonymous said...

the choc one that looks like pubic hair comes in already made! lmao i work at a supermarket we have that one XD

Gene' said...

I dont know what an RSS feed is anyway. So have fun tinkering and I'll enjoy my ignorance.

*ahhh. bliss*

A. Lanine Pro said...

ALL of these cakes are simply gross! They are NOT funny, they would appeal to only extremely weird people and turn the rest of the guest's stomachs over!

Cupcakes Lady said...

Some freaky goings on are happening here me thinks! Scary creations. xx

Cupcakes Lady said...

Ewww...thats gross...not on a cake..surely?! :)xx

tracylv68 said...

ROFLMAOOOOOO, all I could think of was " Deep space 9' and a 'hole in one' on the proctologist cake...LMAOOO

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