Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Santa Shockers

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

What, the angry Santas on Monday didn't scare your kids straight? Ok, new game plan: we'll show them how disappointed the big guy is when they shove Crayons up little Austin's nose.


"They did what?!?"

That's right, children: kids who misbehave turn Santa's smile upside down.

Kind of like Wreckerators.
(Although Wreckerators do it more literally.)

In fact, boys and girls, your naughty antics could cause dear Old Saint Nick's mascara to run:

And do you really want to be responsible for that? Huh? Do you?

Here's another reaction you don't want from Santa come gift-giving time:

And you thought no one knew about the hamster incident.


So to sum up, remember, kids: Santa works on the reward system. Minor offenses = mild dismay:


Whereas major offenses, on the other hand...

[wincing] Oooh, not good.

Yes, Santa's cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding:

you are SO not getting another flame thrower this year.


Careful now, Perry, Lacey M., Ray D., Heather I., Tara B., & Erica L.; I hear wallpaper is flammable. Not that I would know, of course; that's just what I hear.

- Related Wreckage: Totally Cheating
Anonymous said...

That last one is really scary. He looks dead.

Who could possibly eat that much green icing on the CCC? That's gross. Imagine the poo...

Kirstie Rulka said...

Good Morning Jen. Just wanted to thank you for helping me to get out of bed this morning. =)Knowing your posts will be up at 9:30 (6:30 my time) every day makes you a fantastic alarm clock. =)

Kirstie

Anonymous said...

You don't want to see Santa when he gets angry (The Hulk Santa anyone?

NYCGirl said...

Santa #5 appears to have eaten WAY too many of the reindeers' carrots...

Paulina C said...

I've totally forgotten what Santa really looks like...guess i'm ready to start decorating!
lol

Anonymous said...

The "mild dismay" one kinda looks like a Veggie Tales minor character.

Anonymous said...

One major guffaw for quoting The Haunted Mansion ride from Disney World!

WV: hisabox: it contains your junk. nuff said.

Annie of Blue Gables said...

The second one looks more like the Grinch.
~a

Ophelia said...

Poor Ghost Santa. And the hideous green-cupcake monstrosity is... wow. It even has flesh-coloured bits surrounding the edges of the plastic parts, but the decorator couldn't match 'em so didn't even try.

At least the upside-down-heart-shaped cake isn't too offensively drowned in frosting. It just looks like Santa's got a major butt-chin.

Julie said...

Santa #2 looks a little green around the gills.

Maybe he ate too much yellow snow man cake yesterday.

WV: enslib. I walked out the door enslib on the ice.

Anonymous said...

Second Santa's either deathly ill, or else auditioning for Wicked, standing against a backdrop of the Emerald City. No one ever asks Santa if he really likes his job, you know.

Beth said...

Love the reference to Disney's Haunted Mansion! ;)

Fanboy Wife said...

Who knew that subpar decorators could be so emotive with frosting?

Kim said...

They are all scary, but the green one is hideous! Since when is Santa green? His terrible expression may be due to the fact that he has realized that the baker put the nose/mouth/mustache combo upside down.

Kelly said...

I want the camouflage Santa - I always wondered how he watched without being seen!

Lucky Larson's said...

I LOVE that they put that santa's nose and mouth on upside down! Really people! So simple and you still mess it up!

Receptionist Row said...

During the holidays it is just too time consuming to change/clean decorating tips. SSOOOO....star tip on (beard), star tip off (poo nose), star tip on (scary whites of eyes), star tip off (frightening irises), star tip on (large zits or are they checks) star tip off (schmear mouth) etc. Ah yes, that'll do!

Anonymous said...

The second one must be the Grinch.

Cheryl said...

That last one looks like Mr. Bill....oh noooooo...

Miranda said...

BWAH HAHAHAHAHA...the last one. Bahahaha, somebody hired a goth in the bakery. One who has had it with the whole holiday thing and is feeling disgruntled. One who decided "Grar! They want another Santa? I'll give 'em another freakin Santa! Here, have some whiteface, eyeliner from hell, and black lipstick! Rar!"

You know, this could have easily been one of my friends, except when she actually worked in the grocery deli/bakery it was like...4 years ago, I think.

wv: enowe. "That's enowe whiteface, you are gonna look like a clown!"

Liz said...

God these put in the holiday mood! Your next book has to be all holiday wrecks!

Megan said...

Haunted Mansion reference for the win! I check this site out daily not only for the cakes, but to see my inner geekdom rewarded...

Kelly said...

The CCC wreck, second on the list, made me think of the Harry Potter movie Goblet of Fire—when Harry and the others are in the big maze at the end and the hedges begin creeping around you, sucking you in and sucking your soul. I think that's what's happening to this Santa!

Little Luxuries said...

I think Santa #5's dismay has as much to do with his orange spray tan as with little Bobby's misbehavior.

WV: eversori - what you'll be if you scare a child with one of these cakes.

Taross said...

Hamster-incident Santa looks like that big pink Santa a few posts back...

Like they took a Valentines-day leftover heart-shaped cookie/cake and wreckorated it into a Santa.
(The other mental image is not really suitable for children)

Jenniffer said...

That last Santa looked like he just stepped off "Mr. Bill's Christmas Special"! TOO FUNNY!

Heather said...

What is with using the upside down heart pans to make a face? It doesn't even *almost* work. It just looks terrible, and it looks like a big butt. Just go with the round pans, please. Pretty, please.

And I'm confused by the frown on #2. It's obviously put on right b/c of the nose. So, under what circumstances would that have been an appropriate face to use? I'm very confused by that particular set of plastic bits. If you cover the mouth, the eyes could look cheerful when paired with a big smile. But with the frown? He looks DEVASTATED. Is this the mormon santa catching someone playing with his little factory? http://www.lds-mormon.com/only.shtml

Lindz said...

Wow...Thanks for the funnies this morning! Just the thing to pick me up before I head into my o-chem final this morning. :D

Jess said...

Well, now we know what the love child of Santa, the grinch, and Sponge Bob would look like.

thesacredandtheprofane said...

Maybe the last one is trying to be Jack Skellington Santa. Still a wreck, IMHO, but at least that would account for the skin color and skull-like appearance.

and hamster incident = just wrong. Funny. But just...wrong.

WV: scaling. No fair, I got a real word!

msyendor said...

That last santa kinda resembles my expression right now as I'm looking at these critters and my coffee still dripping out the filter.

Albatross said...

The second one - why can't any of those bakers put Santa's nose-beard-mouth on the correct way? Is it that hard to figure out?

The last one scared me. Yikes!

Michelle said...

That Santa on the green CCC looks like he's very dismayed that he's being sucked into a puddle of slime.

LeftWingLock said...

Is the orange one a leftover football cake? The last one sure looks like a leftover ghost or skull cake from Halloween.

And what's with all the upside down hearts? Though I guess if the alternative is a CCC, I will stop complaining.

Suzanne :-) said...

You know, nothing screams "Santa" like an upside-down heart-shaped cake pan.

deckardcanine said...

I think the Dia de los Muertos Santa was supposed to be a snowman dressed as Santa, but it really needs a carrot nose for that effect. Preferably not with a mohawked baby.

Lady QKat said...

The last one reminds me of the reaction to the lyrics for the filk* song "Murderous Little Toy" (lyrics can be found here - http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/themurde.htm).

*Not a typo. At least anymore - http://www.filk.com/filk101_index.html

Casey said...

Took me a minute, but the upside down smile kills me!

Anonymous said...

Calvin and Hobbes references? Awesome!!!!!!
Paula

andygirl said...

I particularly love the orange easter egg Santa. Way to combine holidays! And how about the last one? I assume it's Santa as a bloated poodle? Or perhaps Humpty Dumpty posing as Santa?

But what in the name of all things unholy is that green cupcake monstrosity doing? It looks like retroactive slime that spawned a Santa face. Watch out kids, Santa causes cancer!

Jimmy said...

Kudos to the creator of the last Santa cake for trying to make him look livelier-- by putting on the tiniest hint of pink cheeks. Bravo!

If it turns out that Santa, er, didn't make it through the year, I would think the North Pole cold would act as a better preservative than this.

Levinson Axelrod said...

LOL. The green santa... hmm a little scary. I don't know if a child would pick up on it, since it's a fun green color! Funny post. Thanks.

E.M. Green said...

You seem to be still doing a tour of sorts, Jen.

Is there any chance you'd get up cozy with TN?

W.V.: Stroppe! v. (strahp or strohp) slang Usually command. 1. A stuttered call of a wreck watcher to the designing of a wreckreator. 2. A mispronounced though still effective call of grief that something atrocious in nature should be halted immediately.

On encountering another wrecked cake Green let out a strangled cry, "Stroppe! I can't take any more!"

Dawn said...

awwww, the mascara santa is SO cute!!! ... which is kind of weird.

Richard Lindberg said...

I always enjoy your posts. However, are rows of cupcakes linked together by icing really to be considered a cake?

Melissa (& Billy) said...

Toxic green and orange frosting just SCREAMS Christmas to me.

Well, actually, I'm the one doing the screaming. "RUN AWAY!!"

The last one looks like an attempt at Jack from 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. If that's what they were going for, it's fair to middling. If not, yeeeeesh.

Carolyn said...

Oh, Jen...you missed a primo chance at a Calvin & Hobbes reference.

The noodle incident.

WV "docke." As in "I docke you geek points for passing up a righteous Calvin & Hobbes reference."

Kidding, of course. I don't know how you manage to consistently bring the funny every day. You often bring me to tears of laughter.

drgns4vr said...

On the green cupcakes, what's with the stupid bows? And why are there only three on each side even though there are four rows of cupcakes? Were they afraid of overdoing the decorating?

Pam Walter said...

Poor Santa! What did he do to deserve such treatment? http://blog.sweetservices.com/sweetscandyblog/

Janelle said...

The 5th and 6th ones look like they could be rough drafts of VeggieTales santas!

*Michelle said...

...almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this haunted room actually stretching?

No better way to start the day and the seriously scary santa wrecks and some "hidden" disney quotes. :)

kelly dwyer said...

Looks like santa with the upside down mustache is feeling a bit under the weather...

Why on earth is he green??

Jeremy said...

The last one says to me:
"Dear...God! What have you DONE!?"

That's hilarious.

Jessica W said...

Love the Haunted Mansion reference! :) Although I do not want any sense of a disquieting metamorphosis with these cakes. Santa is already creepy, can they make it worse?!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Merry ? Christmas ?

Anonymous said...

The second to last one is cute! he looks like a veggie tales character

Anonymous said...

Maybe Santa's grim outlook has something to do with the tragedy that has befallen poor Rudolph, as seen yesterday. It didn't do much for me, either, come to think of it. Ick!

Just Me,Pilgrim said...

What the hell is wrong with the person that made the green cupcake Santa face? WHY would you do that? WHY?!!!!???!?! I am never eating anything green again. Ever.

Bree said...

Orange Santa is actually kind of cute. He looks like he spent too much time in the sun and is worried about getting a burn. Sunscreen Santa, sunscreen!

VeggieT said...

Don't be silly, that last Santa is simply your "Other Santa." and the mice warned you not to go through that door

Anonymous said...

I guess the holidays really do start at Halloween now. Or, if you made any of these cakes, they seem to have ended there as well.

Those last two are kind of Reddi-wip meets pumpkin and ghost leftovers.



wv: gnomish-- the second cake has Santa sort of looking gnomish. Or is it actually looking ahead a few months at leprechauns?
Goblins, maybe? Wait--elves! Huh.

Anonymous said...

The second one is *obviously* supposed to be the Grinch right after he hears the Whos singing even though they have no presents or roast beast - just the moment he begins to feel guilty enough to take back all the loot.

I think perhaps this Grinch is radioactive, though....

-AH

Alia said...

I feel like I have seen the second and third cakes on this site before, or at least very similar wrecks. Anyway, very funny/frightening post!

Emmy said...

Awesome haunted mansion reference! (Love this site.)

The Black Dog said...

Emo Santa (3rd pic) has been watching too much Twilight.

ksaldria said...

Why do they always put the moustache upside down?!?!

On another note, I see Santa's still hitting the Spice.

Hollee said...

I actually turned my laptop upside down so I could see what the green guy's mouth was supposed to look like. Thank you, portable technology!

Severina said...

I see they've found a use for that dandy orange frosting left over from Halloween.

Or is that an old pumpkin-shaped cake???

lisa said...

I so wish my daughter was a little older and would get that. She was just so excited to see santa in cake...missed the point there. Oh well, she' three!

WriteCards said...

Number Two:

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.

...

The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."

Copyright © 1957, Dr. Seuss.

purplewowies said...

@Heather

"It's obviously put on right b/c of the nose. So, under what circumstances would that have been an appropriate face to use? I'm very confused by that particular set of plastic bits."

The "bottom" part is the nose. The part that the the Wreckerators are using as a nose is actually an open mouth.

WV: ingned: a new name that's a mix of Ingrid and Ned. "Ingned would be apalled by these cakes."

Anonymous said...

Cake #2 is proof that grocery store decorators do not check up on Cake Wrecks. Maybe they are afraid they will find one of there cakes on this site.

Eric said...

I'm kind of disturbed that they re-purposed a Valentine's day heart pan for #4. It makes it seem like they had the cake lying around since last Feb, and they *just* found a use for it...

feathergirl said...

Oh Santa cakes. How you make me smile when you frown.

Gracie said...

Why do I think that the first cake is Three Mile Island meets the North Pole? Maybe Santa met with a small nuclear accident when his sleigh flew too close?

Hmmm...that might plausibly explain the Poo-Dolph cake, too.

Thanks for your excellent efforts, Jen & John.

Wildroses said...

Have I lost my mind or has the European wedding thing gone bye-bye again? :( Sad... oh well

Kim said...

Maybe the bug-eyed Santas have been goosed by a reindeer antler. The third cake looks as though Santa has had a stroke - face isn't quite right.

StreetShutter said...

the number of Disney references that make it into your posts just make my heart smile..

Nic said...

I kind of feel bad for that last one. Poor guy.

tsherlin said...

I luff this blog. Lemme tell ya. Whenever I need a smile I know where to turn. Still working on reading all the blogs though. I finally made it to 2008! lol Great site! Keep it up!

Oh and I really appreciate the shout out to the Haunted Mansion. My fav Disney ride EVER! :)

Linz said...

The last one totally made me think of Mr. Skullhead from Animaniacs.

Inkadog said...

Is that second cake not a mix of Santa and the Grinch? I think so. I really do.

And while I am making a comment; thank you for a wonderful site/blog. :)

~Malin

Akira Shadowcat (Jean Cumbie) said...

I am now having nightmares of invisible santa standing in a dark corner with that plasticine glare being the only thing I can see...lol.

Somebody must have had some leftover St. Patty's Day icing to use up...and OH THE HUMANITY-on a CCC!!!!

knitorpurl said...

So much for the "right jolly old elf". Who knew Santa had such a range of emotion? Shock, dismay and horror- he covers it all.

Anonymous said...

The green cake is pretty orderly for a CCC. Still came out looking seriously misguided, though.

customized keychains said...

Santa is appetizing when he's angry. Nice artistic cakes, perfect for the kids on Christmas Eve.

Sam's Mommy said...

I love the reference to Haunted Mansion today, it just added to an already hilarious post :)

- Krystal

Ashley said...

...almost as if you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this haunted Santa actually stretching? Or is it your imagination?

Those are just creepy. Wow.

Peachkins said...

Just to say something positive, at least someone learned to give Santa normal eyes. That's all I've got.

Michelle said...

To go with your theme a quote from the west coast (i.e. original) Haunted Mansion

And that last Santa cake

"...chilling challenge, to find...A WAY OUT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(That's right. I spelled out a maniacal laugh.)

And the green cupcakes... wth!!??

Anonymous said...

Creepy! They remind me of the scary Santa episode of Futurama & the 'Santa Claus is coming to town' song from it:


"He Knows When You Are Sleeping,

He Knows When You're On The Can,

He'll Hunt You Down And Blast Your Ass
from Here To Pakistan

You Better Not Breathe,
You Better Not Move,

You're Better Off Dead I'm Telling You Dude

Santa Claus Is Gunning You Down."

Amy said...

The green one is actually the Grinch dressed as Santa!

Amy B-H

joanne said...

What is the Haunted Mansion reference everyone's referring to??

Also, scary as they all are (readioactive CCC frowning Santa--WTF? and spraytan Easter egg Santa? and death mask santa with a squirt of rouge?)

I think sad santa is so cute! doesn't look like Santa, but maybe a pouty little elf. The pink cheeks! The cottonball beard! kinda sweet.

now the upside-down heart Santa with star tip facial features and a wild butt shaped beard-ugh. But I think you're all mistaken--I don't think that's a heart cake. I think it's a heart COOKIE. And it makes Santa look a little pock-marked like he had a bad case of chicken pox as a kid.

wv: vismop--What you need to clear (or mop) the visions of these bad cakes from your memory.

blueiguana said...

I'm debating which is scarier: the green one or the last one. I'm thinking the last one - it looks like something out of some bad horror movie.

Ginger said...

My 11yo said the green cupcake cake was supposed to be the Grinch...

mandy_Reeves said...

The green one looks like the banana king from Charlie the Unicorn

Calamity Wren said...

Santa's looking a little nauseated by all the naughty children! Poor guy! No wonder he's frowning.

codeman38 said...

I wonder if that upside-down-mouth Santa was from the same decorator who did the same thing last year?

Anonymous said...

This december 9 2009 green/grinch cupcake santa face is so reminescent of the december 22 2008 fiasco. A year later and the plastic cheater-bakers have still not learned their lesson!

12 hour pills said...

I am going to be very immature and say HAUNTED MANSION REFERENCE FOR THE WIN! You have made my day.

:D

Devilina! said...

I like your Haunted Mansion reference there on the last cake. It made me chuckle at work and I needed that.

Lucille Ball Jr. said...

oh my! scary!

cooking demon said...

April...

Yeah, in response to the green icing...What's up with Teal iced wedding cakes? I did two, one flat iced with dark teal and dark royal blue trim and FLOWERS!!!

scared...so scared...

imagining the wedding photos...BAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Emily said...

Gotta love the Haunted Mansion reference at the end :D

Kelsie said...

omg, on the green one they got the nose right this time! lol as always!

Merenwen said...

Gawsh, that last one looks a little like Mr. Bill of SNL fame!

Anonymous said...

That one cake is Jersey Shore Santa, Duh!!! He’s just getting his spray tan on in preparation for Christmas!

Jessica Martiele said...

We went on the transformed Haunted Mansion ride just today...I love the Skellington bit, but I miss that line...

"Is this haunted room ACTUALLY stretching? Or is it your imagination?"

dpkennedy said...

I found your blog a few months ago and have been entranced with these hideous and funny creations ever since...and I am still shocked and awed everytime I see one so ugly-the absolute disbelief that any bakery/store could possibly put it out for sale. Wow. Keep up the good work!

RandomDude said...

What's with the upside=down heart cake?

kristen N. said...

Yes, Santa's cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding

Quoting the Haunted Mansion Ride adds a nice touch to that commentary~

I'm such a Disney geek for noticing that right off the bat~ It made me LOL,

megan said...

i used to work for mrs. fields and the cookie santa? that's almost exactly like they wanted us to make them look. like, that's straight out of the book. i worked there for 3 christmases and never made that one.

Hannah Turner said...

I love the upside-down-heart-cake-tin left over from last Valentine's day. Every holiday since they've been trying to cram something into it....i don't see how "Santa" came out on top! And yes, the quotations around 'Santa' were intentional-I promise I wasn't just trying to piss you off, Jen. :)