Thursday, December 17, 2009

Hot Lips

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Warning: Mildly naughty content ahead. (Aw yeeeeeah.)

I dunno, call me old-fashioned ("You're old-fashioned!") but I still say Santa shouldn't have lips more plumpalicious than mine.

It's just not fair, is all I'm saying.


Of course, some Santa cakes can be quite entertaining - in an adult, full-of-hot-air, dolled-up kind of way. (Putting the "b" in "subtle," that's me!)

Yep, you could say this Santa is crying out for commentary. Commentary which I, a wide-eyed innocent whose parents read this blog, cannot possibly provide.

On the other side of the...coin...we have this:

Brown lips, chocolate chips - gee, who could ask for anything more?
(That was rhetorical. I really, really don't want to know.)


You know what they say! Once you go...

No, sorry, I can't do it. Provide your own commentary, you filthy, filthy readers, you.

Well, fortunately, I think that was the worst of the...

AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

[biting lip] So...many....puns... Must...resist...

Nope, I give up. Ready?

Not to blow things out of proportion, but let's face it: this head cake really sucks!

[bowing to tumultuous applause] Thank you, thank you. Yes, it was quite a mouthful, but I'm glad I got it out of my system.

Alisa K., Kierstyn S., Miki C., Sarah H., and Chelsea & Claire, be sure to bookmark this post for Christmas day. After all, it's nice to liven up the usual awkward silences with family with a few extremely awkward stifled screams of laughter. [nodding seriously]

- Related Wreckage: Santa Gets the Shaft

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today’s charity, Doctors without Borders, provides emergency aid in nearly 60 countries to people whose survival is threatened by violence, neglect, or catastrophe. They operate independently of any political, military, or religious agendas, and in 1999 received the Nobel Peace Prize.

Click here to donate your dollar through our First Giving campaign page.

Wondering what all this is about? Then read this post to see where it all started, and then go to our Charity Countdown page to catch up!
Anonymous said...

Oh...those were great!

MarliO said...

Is it a coincidence that all of the "Santas" except #1 look alarmed and/or traumatized?

I guess Santa has to have some way to pay the bills in the off season.

Tigerwolf said...

OMG!!! After the Angelina Jolie-Marilyn Monroe-Abominable-Snowman-from-Monsters-Inc. opening, I didn’t think these could get any worse! Thanks for the laughs.

I’d say something funny but, well...

^..^

Kelly said...

This is where those "OH OH OH!" pieces make sense!

WV: urbedes Where exactly did you leave urbedes!?

Amy said...

I just wonder why bakers use the heart-shape for anything other than... well, hearts!

angstiosis said...

Wow. I think the second one is my favorite. I mean, he's got his mouth wide open, ready to take it .. if you know what I mean.

--Samantha.

Amber said...

Greatest.
Post.
Ever.

angstiosis said...

I think the second Santa is my favorite. He looks like he's ready to take it in the mouth, tongue hanging out and all.

Anonymous said...

That's what she said.

Flartus said...

Ooo, I love a little Santa adult humor. Gives a little edge to all the goodness and light, heh heh heh...

And Doctors Without Borders? Good call! Great organization to back. I've been a little slack on my donations, but I'll catch up. Every drop in the bucket helps.

Methinks I is bored said...

okay, maybe i'm just a little too innocent yet to get what's funny about these cakes (although highly hilarious comment of "Not to blow things out of proportion, but let's face it: this head cake really sucks!" makes me wonder.....) Okay, that pun was funny but I still don't understand what that has to do with these cakes. They are ugly, though..... And do have a bit of an "o-face" (tee hee, Office Space!!!!) Anyhow..... I never want one of those to show up on my table. Ooo! Santa Baby......

Noni Mausa said...

* -- speechless -- *


(probably all for the best)

Tainda said...

I'm gonna call "brown lips, chocolate chips" santa "Stumpy", because of his nose lol That's just nasty looking roflmao


All of those were great though!

Anonymous said...

Some of those cakes need to be "blown up".

Anonymous said...

I've always loved that your blog is usually squeaky clean (even with the occasional potty humor!). I have to say I'm disappointed with the innuendos in this one. All of the ladies at my church LOVE your blog- but I'm embarrassed I referred them after seeing this post. :(
Please keep it clean Jen!

Karen said...

I think that wow is the only words that come to mind with regards to Santa #2. Makes you wonder what happened to him after he was picked up at the grocery store.

Anonymous said...

Do you suppose that first cake was created in the L.A. area? I hear they are into stuff like that out there--it's only natural that standard of beauty would carry over to the Santa cakes of Southern Cal.

Anony 10:31--

It seems that Jen has started to provide notes of warning at the beginning of posts that readers might find objectionable. To me, this seems a great compromise--she still gets to run her blog the way she wants to, and readers who don't like that sort of thing have ample opportunity to skip that day's post. I'm sure the church ladies can read the disclaimer and make their own choices about reading further. (And some church ladies-ahem-still think this blog is awesome.)

--kate

Natballs said...

the thing about santa cakes, wrecked or not, is that his beard always has a lot of frosting. and that's the best part.

Fluffy Cow said...

*pondering what blog anonymous is reading that is "squeaky clean"*

Anyway... the first one looks like the aftermath of a bad collagen injection. And the second? Um... wow.

Caroline B said...

Well blow me, you managed to offend someone again......I dunno, what's the world coming to?
Number 2 puts a whole new slant on the old Xmas joke 'meet me under the Christmas tree and I'll kiss you under the balls.....'
I know, I'm going straight to hell....

Terry Lee said...

oh. my. gawd.

this post is hilarious!!

don't be swayed by nay-sayers, jen. you put a very nice disclaimer at the top.

which, of course, makes me read the post very carefully not to miss any of the good parts. heh heh

love, love, love your charity choice today!! <3

ps. ohmygosh! my WV is upfunti!! anonymous @10:31 has something stuck upfunti.

Kimberly Chapman said...

Your post today makes me think of one word to sum up the jokes, and I can say this one word and those who know will laugh and those who don't will remain confused.


Megamaid.

Lady in Waiting said...

<--- A church lady who LOVED today's post! I'm with Anonymus 10:45--disclaimers are the perfect solution, not only because some of us need to prepare ourselves for things that may be just a tad "blue", but also because I work in an office with no walls and everything I see needs to be strictly SFW!

If you find yourself blushing, think of it this way: the more the errors of these bakers' FunDoll-replicating ways is publicized, the less likely that the bakers will unwittingly make these sorts of mistakes. Therefore, the less chance these cakes will show up at Walmart, where the kids will point and say "I WANT!"

WV: Rersore. Oh, my!

sarah said...

What I want to know is, what is John Lennon doing on a Santa cake?

Jessicasays said...

Just wanted to say thanks for the Doctors Without Borders tip - I donated on their Canadian website since I'm a canuck!

Marissa said...

I donated through the DWB website; $20 to add to the total!

Stephanie said...

Either these Wreckerators were completely clueless or they really need to get their minds out of the gutter. Either way these cakes are gross.

Anonymous said...

Cake #2 reminds me of my husband's last "girlfriend" before he met me.

Anonymous for obvious reasons

Natalie said...

Head's up! You're funny! I could hardly swallow my coffee because I was choking back laughter. Nice.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

The first Santa's eyes reminded me of Charles Christopher (http://www.abominable.cc). Although CC is way cuter.

The rest...Oh, dear. I'd almost rather have Poodolph than these!

cath said...

Hooray--so glad your charity aligned with mine. Thanks for providing an opportunity for people to easily donate to so many worthy causes.

ladycrim said...

"Santa: the party cupcake". So, so wrong.

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

John's handy breakdown of the Interwebs.

98% Pornography

1.9999% People hurting themselves.

.0000% Funny cakes that are only vaguely naughty because of the commentary.

There is no boss in the world who would ever see you looking at Cake Wrecks and think it was obscene or suggestive in any way. Even on the dirtiest of posts.

They are Santa cakes with funny mouths. That's it.

*sigh*

john

Little Lovables said...

oh me oh my... makes me wonder what santa is hiding under that frosty beard o his.
at least we know why he's always blushing

Anonymous said...

ack!

Anonymous said...

...does anyone else think it's crazy that a "Party Cupcake" is $24.99? I mean, a cake, sure, but a Cupcake???

Viewtiful_Justin said...

AH MAH GAH! Amazing. I laughed so hard I got in trouble at work.

Anonymous said...

oh my, the nostalgia. i can almost remember the days when, rather than screaming with laughter erm, hard enough to wake up the cat, i would have simply stared blankly at the screen and think "yeha, they're pretty bad, and those lips are kinda weird, but i don't get what's so funny." i think i actually prefer it this way though, even if my stomach doesn't thank me.
--mal

Christine said...

Ofcourse the post today was too too funny, but i am writing to say that I have never heard of Doctors Without Borders before today. That is a way cool thing for them to be doing and for anyone who helps. Thank you Jen and John for all that you are doing.

joanne said...

Santa #1 looks like he's been hitting the spiked eggnog with those rosy cheeks and is about to molest someone under a mistletoe....Maybe he thinks that's what the holly is he put on his hat.

#2 is SCARY. The color, that mouth, the shocked look in its eyes....sex slave santa doll is not looking too happy there.

#3: is he mad? is he confused? (like why is he in a heart shaped pan for xmas) or maybe he's wondering why people keep looking at his phallic nose funny....

#4 with the weird beard--isn't he the store manager from the movie "Elf" with Colin Farrell? The one that had to sit in for the "not the real Santa" store Santa after Buddy the Elf fought with him?

#5: I can't decide if I like his beard or not. reminds me a little of Captain Davy Jones (Pirates of Caribbean). meanwhile, ditto commentary for blow doll Santa #2.

Veronica Wald said...

"Brown lips, chocolate chips - gee, who could ask for anything more?"

Ex-cuuuuuuse me, but that would be chocolate CHIP, I don't see any indication that there's more than one in that wreck.

Anonymous said...

LOL @ MarliO & Kelly & Caroline & several Anons (esp. 12:12 p.m.!)

Megamaid! "oh no! she's gone from suck to blow!" *snicker*

that first Santa looks like he's watching porn. the blush, the big eyes, the sense of amusement.... maybe he's watching the other santas get it on. a santa orgy! eww!
I'll never look at the big guy the same way again! I wonder what input the dwarves would have on this...they are SHORT, too. just the right height for hanky panky....

deemack said...

Why am I now thinking about all of those blow up Santa's I see dotting my neighborhood?

MamaChristy said...

Did anyone else notice that Santa #4 has beard INSIDE his mouth?

lisadh said...

After the warning, I was looking forward to some good bawdiness...I kinda thought you went a little light on us. What does that say about me? Or does it say more about those that were offended? Hmm...a bit of both, methinks.

Scary/hilarious "cakes".
Wreck on.

Miranda said...

FINALLY cakes that address mommy's Santa Clause fetish! LOL wow, just wow! Thumbs up Jen, keep up the good work:-D



I'll have a bluuuuue Christmas with Santaaaaaa;)

thefitzkidz said...

I would like to suggest Feeding America (formerly Second Harvest) as a charity, if you are still taking suggestions. They help combat hunger here in America. It is truly surprising how many people right here in the US are starving.
http://feedingamerica.org/default.aspx?SHOW_SHOV=1

Anonymous said...

That one Santa has the mouth of an inflatable love doll!

Cory B said...

I don't know... I think Santa #1's lips are all puffy after kissing all those mommies underneath the misteltoe that night!

Anonymous said...

And #3's nose is a little, um, well...

E.M. Green said...

Dear Santa WreckCreators,

I understand you have that nifty heart shaped pan in the back.

The thing I don't understand is how consistently you use this pan for various other things.

I mean, the last time I checked Santa's beard did not have a divot in it.

Unless someone has been secretly playing golf on it when he goes to sleep at night.

sincerely,
green

Dear Jen and John,

Ooh, bawdy.

Sincerely,
green

yederma (ye!der'mah) n: 1. The outermost layer of skin that feels pain caused by cakes decorated in a poor manner. 2. The aura of skin effected by bad icing or fondant application in concordance with a cake or cake like creation.

My yederma hurt for weeks after I saw those suggestive Santa Clause cakes at the store.

Amanda said...

I just wanted to tell you, I died laughing at these. So from now on you will have a giggling zombie Amanda as a reader!

WV: hypno -- HEY, it's a Pokemon!

Bek said...

Perhaps Santa just got a surprise from backing up too closely to the reindeer. Oh my!

(says the church lady that appreciates disclaimers but usually finds them unnecessary)

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Santa!!!! So inappropriate!

Brooke said...

1. I'm one CW's biggest fans (read the blog every day, the book is on my coffee table).

2. Yes, I realize there was a disclaimer, that shows your super coolness.

3. To the comment makers: If someone is allowed to say they like it, then people are also allowed to say they don't like it...I say let them be.

:-)

Anonymous said...

as one who complained about the inuendo before...I appreciate and think the warnings are perfect. Thank you!! (and thanks for a laugh...even those of us who are uptight like a roll in the gutter now and then :)!)

WATERBABY CHRISTINE said...

Just checking on the First Giving page shows (fanfare please): Childs Play $1,775; Doctors Without Borders $1,910.50; Heifer $$5,003; Love146 $42; Puffy Paws $3,056.25, and ShareOur Strength $2,132. St. Judes and Charity: Water aren't on the First Giving page.

So c'mon people - you KNOW you get at least a dollar's worth of laugh here every day, it's time to put your money where your mouth is! HO HO HO and OH OH OH!

Amy said...

LOL FUNNY, well done!

Eric said...

Hey Old-Fashioned!

What's up with all of these wreckers using heart-shaped cake molds? I've noticed it all over the place, and they always try to make them into a face, which doesn't turn out very well...
I love your blog so much! Consistently the highlight of my day.

morriganscrow said...

Gee whizz, I think you'd have to use a condom/dental dam/prophylactic antibiotics/antivirals/full body HAZMAT suit just to eat those things!

Sooo...Santa was Deep Throat....

Who'da thunk it?

Holly said...

Thank you for choosing DWB - such an excellent charity and really deserving of support

kim said...

Santa says... "Mmmmm... frosting!"

Mellodee said...

Jen, I think you showed remarkable restraint in your comments. Very nearly everyone who would look at these cakes would get the idea. Church ladies, politically correct, prudes, and protesters alike! With or without your disclaimer! Face it, folks. If you understand the joke your mind already knows all about "dirty" stuff. Get over it. If you don't like her choices, stop coming here! Don't try to make the rest of world conform to your set of morals. If you can't laugh at life, it becomes utterly unbearable!

Anonymous said...

Giggity.

Anonymous said...

$ 25.99 for a ugly party cupcake cake?

Fanboy Wife said...

What did that first Santa do to deserve getting his nose cut off?

Anonymous said...

The 'brown lips/chocolate chips' Santa also has a very phallic-looking nose. Charming!

The Millers said...

I'm thinking we need to get Santa #1 to an AA meeting. He has the tell-tale flush of a seasoned drinker (Too much eggnog, Nick?).

Noni Mausa said...

"The thing I don't understand is how consistently you use [the heart-shaped] pan for various other things."

You know, the heart shape would be a wunnerful base for a big butterfly cake... or a Luna moth resting on a big leaf.

I know, not wrecky at all. But there's always Sunday...

S3XinthePantry said...

well, you can't say you didn't warn us!

Anonymous said...

The cakes on this site are hilarious. I check it out everyday. But I am becoming disgusted with all the dirty jokes and innuendos. Could you please clean up the commentary a little bit?
Elizabeth

Dave -nibbleanibble said...

Santa sucks! In a good way???

Amanda said...

Is it just me or does the second one (with the chocolate chips) have a nose that reminds me of the 3 ultrasounds I had when I found out I was having a boy? I'm just sayin......

Bree said...

This post reminds me of The Golden Girls episode where Blanche brings a mall Santa home and after being caught by the girls with him, goes into this hilarious speech about why Santa Claus gets her horny. I don't know how Rue McClanahan got through that with a straight face, because the first time I saw that episode, and I think I was 13 at the time, I was laughing so hard I was crying.

Santa is definitely coming to town all right...

Rebecca Knight said...

I was going to make some off color joke about milk and cookies... but yeah, too traumatizing :).

Thanks for the laugh, Jen!

Anonymous said...

have you noticed how many of these holiday themed cakes are made of heart shaped cakes? Are they left over from Valentines day? I'm just askin"...

lindsey said...

Thank you for Doctors Without Borders. They are so amazing.

Also, I was *blown* away that anyone thought this very mild innuendo was naughty enough to mention! Heh!

lisa said...

I am sorry, but $25.99 for a CUPCAKE? I can't even see the cake part!

heathermichelle said...

Search for "Project for Awesome" on YouTube and I guarantee you will find hundreds of amazing charities.

Check out this video for details: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4ukyj5bml0

Btw, this is my first comment on cakewrecks, and I absolutely love this site. Keep rockin' on!

Abbey said...

I'm not much worried about Santa's naughty innuendos, but the terrifying, staring bird-like eyes on Santa #1 have me ready to run for the hills!

I have to say, though, what stands out most to me is the price tag on the last Santa - $25.99 for a highly decorated cupcake? Do they realise that a cupcake amounts to, at best, two mouthfuls of cake? Price for value very poor, Santa!

Hyena Overlord said...

The Santa cakes remind me of the day I was in the mall with my Grandmother. In one particular store there were novelty items. At the back of the store were the really novel items, coffee mugs in the shape of a breast etc. And blow up dolls, packaged with the face in full view. I tried to distract her but she went there anyway. Thus the question "Why are their faces like that?" I was 18...I just shrugged and wandered off to my happy place in my head. Then I hear "ohhhhh my! Well, I think I've seen enough, and so have you." We beat a hasty dignified exit from the store. I still laugh thinking about it.

jill said...

Oh oh oh, Jen! I love you! I was given a coffee mug many years ago - and I think the inscription suits you perfectly: "You're perverted, twisted, and sick. I like that in a person!"

Had a long, difficult day - went to your blog as soon as I got home and whoosh - the load is lifted and I'm dying laughing. Thank you, you nut!

Anon 7:19 et al - Please don't tell others how to write their blogs. You could just go and write your own blog. The cakes on this site are comical - but it's the commentary of Jen and John that makes them HILARIOUS. If you don't always appreciate their humor, oh well. Come back tomorrow...or not.

From a "church lady" with a sense of humor.

angela said...

Just wondering if there is a place where we can see a total collected by you in this very honorable charitable endeavor? A great idea, btw and love reading your site every morning in Baghdad, Iraq.

Thanks

Anonymous said...

Wow...

...that's totally a blackface/minstrel show Santa. I never thought I'd see the day. I don't think I ever WANTED to see the day.

Anonymous said...

Frankly, I don't know where else your comments could go with this collection of Santas, Jen!

So, I'll just quote Father Mulcahy from M*A*S*H: "Humor, too, is one of His creations." Or perhaps, one could translate this post into Latin, which would "make it sound noble."

Thanks for the laughs!

Kelly said...

Oh my goodness, those are so great (or terrible?)!

Karen said...

Pssht. If you find this post offensive, you're no fun.

Wendy said...

hahahaha ow hahhaha OW hahahahaaaaaa OW make it stop ah hahahaha

ksaldria said...

D: Why do I suddenly have bad 70s porno music playing in my head?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but I am disgusted by this post. Consider this blog un-subscribed.
Just the other day I referred members of my support group for Ex Christmas Themed Sex-Workers to Cakewrecks, but this post has just brought back all the terrible memories: the aching jaws, the trying to get their beards clean at the end of the day. How COULD you?

Good bye, Cakewrecks.


(sorry!)

Throatwobbler Mangrove said...

I think that not only is this post inappropriate and vulgar, but I would also like to point out that the infants found all over your site are nude and therefore obscene. Not to mention that their "punk style" mo-hawk haircut is offensive. Also, they are riding carrots which seems horribly wrong from a Freudian angle. I suggest that the infants be clothed with Little Lord Fauntleroy suits, given proper military haircuts, and placed on something appropriate to ride, such as a cabbage.

Anonymous said...

I am now an official wreckporter, pass me the t-shirt :D Better keep myself annon this time to avoid the wrath of the cakewreck creator.. And to all the nay sayers, REALLY??? You complain about CakeWrecks innuendos?? I read dirtier (and much more upsetting) things in the news, and guess what.. ALL of us HAVE SEX (the adults anyways ;) ) get over it..

Jeanette said...

You gave more than fair warning and still kept the main part of the blog clean (for innocent minds). With that warning you KNOW the commentary is what you need to be careful about with young eyes. Well done, please don't pull this for offensiveness (like the Borat wedding wreck -that should be unblocked, it wasn't bad).
Anywho, great blog! Ultra-scary Santa's - He sees you when you're sleeping...! We call that the stalker song at our house since the Be Good or Else blog - these Santas all have spooky eyes too.
First time doing a word verification, but couldn't pass this up:
wv: supto -What do you think all those Santas are supto?

Anonymous said...

"Just the other day I referred members of my support group for Ex Christmas Themed Sex-Workers to Cakewrecks..."
***********************************
Mwahahahaha!


I look forward to someone's new blog, coming soon: "Holier-Than-Thou Cake Wrecks."

Anonymous said...

I like John's rundown of what's to be found on the internet, but it doesn't account for all the animal photos with goofy captions people keep insisting on sending me. Better to receive dozens of those than one of these cakes, I guess.

ronjeremy said...

I will never look at a blow-up doll the same.

Ceci said...

Santa #1 looks like a parrot holding a moustache in his beak!

cmpf said...

Didn't anyone else notice that #2 has 3 little boobs on his face? I couldn't even look at his lips while I was distracted by that anatomical absurdity.

And please, give it a rest. So one person made a request for what she would like to see on this blog. And maybe you don't agree. Jen can ignore her and keep going, but it's not necessary to pick on the commenter.

Flumming: quit flumming the church lady. It's getting old.

Banana said...

Fitting that the second Santa seems to be a CCC.

Bethany said...

See, I think the last Santa looks more like Mr. Bill, but I can see where you're coming from with the blow-up doll bit.

Sadie M. said...

I just discovered cake wrecks...and may I just say, FUNNIEST thing I have ever read. I start pastry school in the fall, with hopes of becoming a bakery owner a la Ace of Cakes...Anyway, I've been making my way through all these entries, so sorry this is a little late. But your caption under the Santa that is shaped like...erm...A "heart", seemed like it should be a poem. So I turned it into one.

"Brown lips, chocolate chips; looks like a part below the hips.

I guess he hasn't been dropped on the floor...Gee, who could ask for more?"

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