Monday, December 7, 2009

Be Good...Or Else

Monday, December 7, 2009

Parents, I give you an early Christmas present: a line up of Santa cakes so terrifying, even the naughtiest child will run screaming to do the dishes.

"Well helloooo, children. I see you when you're sleeping."

"And I know when you're awake."


"I know if you've been bad or good!" [insane giggle]

[whispering] "So be good..."

"...or else."


Melissa G., Ian T., Heather H., Anony M., and Leti P & Jake C., if you think scary Santa cakes make for a great holiday greeting, then have I got a card for you!


- Related Wreckage: Santa Gets the Shaft

Note from john: Yes. Strawberry is misspelled.
Taylor@MyOlderBrothers said...

That last cake's card is like the current White House... There's not a "W" in it!!!

maya said...

so, on what planet does santa's poo brain ever look appetizing? hmmm?

Kathryn H said...

Number 4... Oh.

Her Self said...

Why do all these bakers think Santa has blue blobs for eyes?

Anonymous said...

Tis the season for...child endangerment?

human-cannonball said...

Have we given up the possibility that one or more of these might also be Lamb Chop?

http://www.videodetective.com/photos/256/010782_16.jpg

Joel Polowin said...

I hope the pink heart cake wasn't actually left over from last Valentine's Day and redecorated.

Anonymous said...

Ahaha! Stra'berry's the best!

That other cake is having trouble with what flavor it is, too...

It's yellow. No, wait, chocolate. Both? To represent the two faces of Santa?

Meg R. said...

Very funny! Am I the only one who thinks the last one looks like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribean?

Kimberly Chapman said...

1) If the first one had been intentional in having that expression, I actually would have called it a fantastic job of showing subtle displeasure. But it's probably more likely to be merely bad alignment...

2) Took me a minute to figure out that the red under the eyes of the fourth was probably supposed to be rosy cheeks. I thought, "Why the **** would anyone make Santa's eyes look like they were either bleeding or had huge puffy red bags?"

3) How much you wanna bet that "straberry" is a substitute, like how "chocolatey" refers to "chocolate didn't even look at this."


wv: ressn - the resin-like product that a straberry cake is made from.

Jimmy said...

Apparently, people will pay good money to be scared out of their wits. Horror movies, haunted houses, Santa cakes...

morriganscrow said...

The third one looks like the coiled crap hound did a coiled crap on his Santa hat.
The last one lookes possessed....

Bri said...

Number 4...OH-EMM-GEE.

Stephanie said...

*shudder*
while as they are all creepy, the second from the bottom shall haunt my dreams...

Kristan said...

What can I say? I will certainly be good this year, I'd hate to see the "or else" from these guys.

Le said...

I like that the creepiest one is a straberry cake! And I disagree with John I don't think it is strawberry misspelled. I think it is a straberry cake.

Sili said...

The first one isn't all bad. I've been holding off from buying a heart shaped 'tin' (teflon), since there's only really one thing to use it for.

Anonymous said...

John writes of the last cake, "Yes. Strawberry is misspelled."

I thought they'd misspelled "staberry."

screamingbanshee07 said...

The 4th Santa from the top--- my son is wondering if Santa's hat is made from the fur of the coiled crap hound.

Nicole said...

I never knew heart shaped pans could be so versatile. (The first cake)

Oh, Mandy said...

Wow--when you put them all together on a card like that...it's just ten times scarier!

Great idea!

Livia said...

Credit is due to the creator of the first one for re-using a Valentine's day mould...

Anonymous said...

The whispering one is by far the most terrifying. The red alcoholic schnoz, the red droopy bags under the eyes, the leering upward gaze... I'm glad it's 10:15 in the morning so that I can move past this before going to bed tonight (hopefully)!

--kate

P.S. What says Christmas like a "straberry cake"? Nothing, that's what.

Lisa said...

No wonder the song tells you to "jump in bed, cover up your head, because Santa Claus comes tonight" I'd be hiding too if that scary dude was headed toward my house.

Alex Getts said...

I personally love the first one, where it's apparent that they took a heart-shaped pan and flipped it upside down.

Giana said...

The second to the last cake looks like the "hat" was piped with corned beef hash. Yum!

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.....

Renee said...

ROTFLOL! Those cakes are Awesome!

You're the best Jen! Have a great holiday!

Anonymous said...

Very creeeeeeeeepy. Good thing I actually know where a the REAL Santa can be found 24/7. He makes lunch every day at the local vo-tech.

The chili cheese fries are to DIE for!! Or at least gain 6lbs XD

Amanda Mac said...

The fourth one down is just flat creepy.

Robert said...

Mommy, save me.

Those are some scary cakes. I might replace my annual Christmas Evil viewing with staring at those cakes for an hour or so. It'll certainly be scarier, but will lack the warmth and heart of the film.

Tough call.

EG said...

Is it weird that I like the one that everyone hates? If his eyes were both looking ahead, I'd like #4!

Anonymous said...

My first thought was the third one had been sipping a little "adult" eggnog!

Lucille Ball Jr. said...

i am going to show this to my kids! ;)

Jiminycricket said...

As a child, I never would've run screaming to do the dishes over Santa as seen here-- if I was naughty and DIDN'T do the dishes, maybe no one who looked like this guy would've shown up at all, preferably.

LaurenH said...

I have to say, these were very well-organized in that they got progressively creepier!

I kept thinking "OK, that one HAD to be the worst..." *breathe*...*scroll, scroll* - AHHHH!!!!!

sevenmarie said...

That last one sorta looks like Jack (the pumpkin king)

Sandy said...

The first cakes looks like it could be the Other Santa in Coraline. At the very least, the Other Mother in disguise.

Siouxzr said...

The role of creepy cake santa #4 is being played by Dennis Franz!

HotHeaded said...

worst part is the first one is a prefab cake the stores get in.

Terry Lee said...

like a train wreck, i can't stop looking at the third one (with the flavor-identity crisis).

what is UP with that misplaced, droopy, globby eye?!

wwbjtot?!(what would baby jesus think of this?!);-)

Free said...

Oh my god. The third cake and the last one are insanely creepy.

HorribleLicensePlates said...

Ho, ho, h... oh my.

Cory said...

I just googled "STRABERRY" with disturbing results. I don't think I want this cake.

Blue Jean said...

Creepy Cake #2 looks like Pennywise the Clown trying to disguise himself as Santa; "My reindeer floooat....."

whereas Creepy Cake #4...C'mon, Cthulu, I know December belongs to you, but you've done better disguises than that.

Password for the Day: "Melapt", as in "These cakes are melapt for Santa--unless you want to pass him off as a drooling psycho."

Leah Carey said...

I didn't realize that Santa had such scary blue eyes...but since all of these show him that way I guess it must be the truth...... :-)

andygirl said...

Oh geez! That last one is from some campy horror film. I may have to sleep with the light on until after christmas!

jess said...

Even the best (as in bad, not good) 'cake wrecker baker' should have known to throw number 4 AWAY! Really, really scary!
I have been threatenig my kids with 'be good, santa is watching' all day...this pic might really aid that threat (or totally ruin christmas), WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET A MOMENTS PEACE.

Melissa Gill said...

So i took the picture of the first one, in my local grocery store, and I'd like to point out that the cake was right next to weight watchers snacks. Great placement :P

The Black Dog said...

I think the gumball eye santa (third cake) is the creepiest!

Mandy said...

"Straberry Cake" *snort* I love it when the Cake Wreck isn't even ON the cake (although the cake, in and of itself, is quite certainly a Wreck)!

Demented Santas...hoo boy.

Anonymous said...

Those are sincerely creepy...I'm going to have nightmares

Anonymous said...

Who knew Santa had such cold, dead eyes. No wonder so many children scream for their parents when they place him on his lap for the annual picture. Frightening!

Becky

Bek said...

This is why we don't do Santa in our house.

Jeepers.

Severina said...

Dang. I think number 4 sleeps in the alley behind my apartment building.

Oh those Jack Elam eyes...!

I Love Baby Quilts! said...

Ok, I read through all the comments so far and no one has mentioned how much the last cake looks like Robot Santa from Futurama! http://www.entertainmentopia.com/screenshots/dvd/futurama_vol_2_santa.jpg

Am I really going to be the only one humming "Santa Claus is Gunning You Down" in my head all day?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZFSZguyCkE

Anonymous said...

I like that first Santa's double chin. I've heard of people with heart shaped faces--this gives it new meaning.
Carol

Anonymous said...

If you turn the first one upside down you get a pointy chined laughing man with a weird haircut, so the cake is scary from both sides of the table.

Julie said...

Somebody call an exorcist to please fix these cakes.

So, what exactly is chocolate yellow cake?

Donna M. said...

I love the reused Valentine's cake pan upside down on the first one.

Where I work, we got in the Christmas shaped cake pans...I noticed that Santa is the same shape they use for a pumpkin and the Easter Bunny, just rotated the pan a little bit and put a different label on it.

Three Little Apples said...

Hahaha, that's great Melissa G... that first santa next to the Weight Watchers.

He sees you when you're sleeping, but also when you cheat on your diet...

Anonymous said...

So these are those Santas who say, "ohohoh," right?

Tainda said...

"I hope the pink heart cake wasn't actually left over from last Valentine's Day and redecorated."


My thoughts exactly! Gag

anna said...

STRABERRY!

ksaldria said...

D: Black Peter's got nothing on these scary Santas.

And why must all their eyes be such an unnatural shade of blue? Has Santa been taking Spice?

Melissa (& Billy) said...

LOL! I hear your commentary in Peter Cullen's rendition of KARR in the old Knight Rider series. Complete with evil, evil laugh (and boy can he do a doozy of an evil laugh).

No wonder all the 'pictures with Santa' I see of children are of them red-faced and screaming in terror.

WV: Lette: Looks like there's going to be a few less lette(s) to Santa this year...

almk said...

Wow, are you guys familiar with Brian Peppers?

http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/peppers.asp

Because the third cake down is a dead ringer for him. Maybe he's trying the hat and beard to keep from being made as a child molester.

Karen and Kyle said...

My 4 year old son looked at the cakes with me and he was naming them as they scrolled by. "Santa....Santa...Santa...Santa's mother...Santa" LOL Santa's Mother is scary looking!

diddleymaz said...

WTF is Strabery??

darkshines said...

The insane laugh, and the whispering one, are by far the most disturbing.....*shudders*

denestria said...

OMG #4 looks like a zombie ripped its skull open to eat the brains.

LeftWingLock said...

The greeting card is awesome!! It's like a crowd of zombie Santas just blankly staring at you...and what says "holiday" better than zombie Santas blankly staring at you?

Especially with sprinkles...

Tainda said...

The spice hahaha

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer.

I never knew santa was a Fremen!

Bree said...

I think cake # 3 was inspired by Sherwin Linton's classic "Santa Got a DWI."

Kimberly Chapman said...

To maya:

You're right, it totally does look like poo-brain. I was so spooked by the eyes I didn't even notice. *shudder*


To I Love Baby Quilts!:

The cakes are more terrifying than RoboSanta! They're probably Slurm-flavoured.

Merry Xmas! ;)

Lindsay said...

How OLD is that upsind downheart shaped cookie cake?

Ashley Bratty said...

The second-last one looked like Santa's autopsy in the middle of checking out his brain!

Laura Wynn said...

AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
I am totally creeped out. Thank you, thank you.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does that first Santa look like someone flipped a leftover Valentine's cookie and just added icing?

Bittersweet said...

Move aside irrational fear of clowns...helloo irrational fear of Santa (cakes?).

Anonymous said...

@Cory-- HOLY *&%#!

I don't want that cake, either. In fact, I'd like the health dept. to go shut down the bakery.

Although, now that I think about it, neither act (what I just googled, nor the creation of that cake) probably got much thought or planning ahead of time.

Albatross said...

I love how the first one's shape is just an upside-down heart. Very strange.

Anonymous said...

A thought for the creator of yellow/chocolate/DUI Santa:

Just because you've decided to go ahead and make a wrecky CCC (Ptooey!), it does not give you license to explore any new possibilities regarding the placement of Santa's eyes.



Does it? I mean, according to CCC law.

Chrystalline said...

Eeeee...Nightmare Fuel, for sure!

Anonymous said...

Well done for Cake Wreck's mention on the BBC!

And yes, these cakes are very, very creepy.

Miranda said...

AAAHHHH!!! Do Not Want!

Man, just stick with some holly type icing decorations and a nice, easy to spell "Happy Yule" in the middle... I hate me some creepy faces!

Heide said...

Oh my goodness! Do you know how dull life would be without this?!?! No giggles? I am thankful every day for insane cake decorators, and both of you for pointing them out.

Bonnie said...

I bet if you scraped off a layer of icing on that first Santa it would say "HUGE ME".

These give new meaning to the song "It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas"...

and apparently in some little known Christmas carol called "Santa is a Blue-eyed Zombie" we find out that...well...Santa is a blue-eyed zombie...(run away...run away!)

~Bonnie B

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Jynxie said...

Well, straWberry and straberry do sound fairly similar.
What's with Santa's brain exploding from his head?

Stephanie said...

Umm... yikes?

wv: sworks - what you get when you cross swords and forks.

Noni Mausa said...

Coraline's Other Santa is a good choice for #4, ("...or else.") but I prefer to think of him as the Hogfather.

http://www.webwidget.net/scribblescrabble/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/hogfather.jpg

Viewed as such, that cake is quite accurate.

Noni

who loves Terry Pratchett's books

Thenonbloggingfriend said...

Dying laughing at the poo brain, I thought the same thing

Kara said...

I love the fact that the first cake is in a shopping cart with another cake and then a crap load of Weight Watchers products.

I bet that shopper orders a Diet Coke with their Big Mac too! LOL

Gary said...

Now you've done it.
I was already scared of clowns; now I have to be scared of Santa.

lisa said...

the "straberry" lable is my favorite part!!!

Gary said...

Cory said...
"I just googled "STRABERRY" with disturbing results. I don't think I want this cake."

OK, Cory, you made me look.
YIKES!!!

Bellatrix said...

The next to last one has a poo-swirl hat!

This has prob'ly already been said.

Andi said...

LOL.
Blue Jean FTW! That cracked me up. And yay for whoever made the Dune comment. Made my night!

I have an unhealthy fear of clowns and spiders. You can now add Santa to that list. *shudder*

Nicola said...

hi!! long time reader but first time commenting i think! just had to let u know the "under neat that" cake was shown, and a mention made to a website set up to show "silly or badly made cakes" on the british BBC show "Have I got news for you"!!! So cool! X
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00pchkz/Have_I_Got_a_Bit_More_News_for_You_Series_38_Episode_7/
mentioned at around 33minutes 15 seconds in! dont know if bbciplayer works in the us tho...

Anonymous said...

This is one of my favorite posts, love the commentry.

Anonymous said...

this one made me lol. in the library. hehe. the last one reminds me of the evil santa from "Futurama."

Bright said...

Ok, "or else" is scaring me right outta my wits.

I found the first one to be sweet, actually. Those pans cost enough, it's great when you can find another use for them! (we'll just cross our fingers it wasn't left over from Feb)

Clowns -- Santa -- clowns -- santa... oh boy.

Anonymous said...

Remember- SANTA is just one letter placement away from SATAN this holiday season in the bakery!

CanCan (Mom Most Traveled) said...

I think the award for "most likely to emotionally scar" is a tie between the "bunt pan" mound-faced santa and the skella-claus (now with straberry!)

colleenoz said...

According to DH, number 2 looks like Cartman playing Santa, and number 4 looks like a Sontaran Santa.
WV:"santl" : like "straberry", these cakes are only in the ball park of "santa"

cherish said...

ROFL. The song is a bit creepy by itself but the killer Santa Police will enforce it. ^^

Anonymous said...

That first one looks like it could have been a repurposed ass cake.

Zocktastic said...

While these may be poor Santa cakes, they're all excellent candidates for being great Krampus cakes!

Dan Bradbury said...

Consider that the Identity Confused Santa is CCC(die DEMON!!!!) it is entirely possible that it could be BOTH.

Bree said...

almk---

I remember Brian Peppers. The scariest damn man in the universe!

Nads' Bakery said...

Straberry Cake. Doubly good!

feathergirl said...

Why does Santa's head in the first cake heart me? It's a Valentine's pan, right?

Erin said...

I know I shouldn't ask, but how, HOW can you misspell strawberry??? straw. berry. shouldn't it be written on something in the store to check? I mean really people. really.

Anonymous said...

Last cake- It's Cthulhu Santa!!

ryglights said...

Santa #1 looks as if he "got an idea. An awful idea." Yes, methinks this Santa "got a wonderful, AWFUL idea!"

And I gotta ask, did Santa #4 star in that 80's classic film, "Silent Night, Deadly night"?? Yikes!!!

Scritzy said...

That "so be good" cake will give me nightmares. Yaaaaaaaaaaah!

Anonymous said...

Why are all the santas blind? Are pupils not allowed anymore?

Quality Research said...

Such amazing cakes.....

How can one have the heart to eat them?

http://www.qualityresearch.org.uk

Angel said...

You realize that #1 is a upside down heart...what did they do recycle the cake pans from valentines day? Sheesh!

Brett said...

Just made you my blog of the week, an award for you over at my blog.

Anonymous said...

My son's first thoughts upon seeing these were, "I wonder if the bakery used an old Valentines Day cake?" and "A Santa poo hat!"
I love how you've taught him the fine art of cake recognition. :)

And as for word verification, I had to laugh when I saw "mistras". My first thought for that was Tiger.

Rusty and Bandit said...

[Chuckling to self] Those would seem like sweet little Santas if you knew the REAL story behind where Santa came from. . . Still, yes, scary. If you are having trouble about how to break it to your kids that Santa isn't real, just show them one of these!
Anna Marie

Akira Shadowcat (Jean Cumbie) said...

ok, I did it, I looked up Straberry, and I think the (EEEEWWWW) description might actually describe what happened to that santa...

Did I mention EWWWWWW!!!

WV: turbu- the singular version of turbus, a large very fast yellow object.

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh these scary white ones are surely undead santas.

Our children will be terrified at the thought of these horrors coming down the chimney.

emma said...

I'm officially scarred for life.

Anonymous said...

The first one looks like a left over valentine cake so they turned it upside down and whipped a Santa on it.
Honestly, I could call THAT a heart attack. -Whispers- ''I also know how fast your heart beats..'' Yes, kids! Its your very own Santa cake! No hearts here at ALL!'' I honestly thought JESUS was in our hearts. Cake creators gag: ''You see, Christmas is about celebrating Jesus birthday! And Jesus is in our hearts! And Santa is used to help spread Christmas cheer. So the heart stands for Jesus! Ya!''... So Santa and Jesus are like BFF'S? Or siamese twins? FIND OUT! NEXT TIME IN: CONFUSING CAKES! (ACTUALLY WE NEVER REALLY WILL FIND OUT!)

Elizabeth said...

the "or else" cake is Cthulhu Santa!

Ann said...

Thanks, guys! Now I'll be having nightmares about being chased through the snow by demonic Santa cakes for WEEKS!!!

Shiseiten said...

nice! i love your song with the direction to the way they must be sung. =P

Anonymous said...

Oh my god this is my favorite post ever. I keep coming back to it. The captions for #3 and #4 are hilarious!!

Molly said...

Ha! My almost 2-year-old looked at the first cake and said, "Ooooh, MONSTER!"

Brittany V said...

Number 3 reminds me of Mr. Bill. And 5 of something from pirates of the Caribbean.. the Squid guy

Anonymous said...

that is very funny. bit disturbing though...

Anonymous said...

The last one would truly haunt me... if it has stra'berry filling in it, wouldn't it look like Santa was bleeding when you cut into it?!

(Ironically, my Captcha for this post is "fleyed." Hmm...)