Monday, May 25, 2009

Mixed Grill

Monday, May 25, 2009

It's Memorial Day, and as every red-blooded American knows, there is only one nationally accepted way to demonstrate your sense of patriotic pride in the men and women who have sacrificed for this country. One which involves fire, hunks of raw meat, and at least one guy in a "kiss the chef" apron cursing out the blippity bleepin' starter switch on the filth flarnin' grill.

That's right: It's barbecue time, baby.


Is this creative? Sure. Appetizing? Not so much. It looks like a giant half-cooked hamburger with steak and shish kabab'ed Elmo fingers on it. [shudder] Great, now I gave myself the willies.

Speaking of shish kababs, here's the "cheater-cheater-plastic-eater" version:


[shaking head] Til the end of time, Wreckerators will be trying - and failing - to make circles out of cupcakes. What's the definition of insanity again?

And here's one with the oh-so-authentic chalky briquette look:

Ah, there's nothing like leprous-looking cupcakes to get the ol' saliva glands going!

Some bakeries are breaking down the two main components of the grilling experience. See, while this next one may look like a penned-in bunch of baboon butts, you can tell by the "GRILLIN'" sticker that it's actually a grill:


Huh. Thank goodness for stickers, is all I can say.

Oh, and here's the raw, malformed lump that goes on it! Yum!


Now there's some bloody good fun, eh, guv'na? Jolly good, pip pip, and all that. (Hey, I've read Wodehouse, Ok? I'm practically an expert on British terminology. Really.)

Shannon S., Amy J., Joanna C., & Nichole H., I'm suddenly inspired to find a doll on a grill, just so I can write the caption "Barbie on the barbie". Unless one of you knows a girl named Barbie? You could even turn the grill off, if you like.


UPDATE: Ask, and ye shall receive:

Barbie on the barbie!
Regina said...

That grillin' one looks like a netbag full of human intestines...why???

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

BBQ CAKES!? That's.... um... unique. Strange though. Very strange.

Disobedient Tiger said...

Enough to make me a vegetarian - Ross

Yakira said...

Wow, those certainly look..appetizing...cause ya know, I've always dreamed of eating a cake that ooks like a hunk of meat!

enJAYneer said...

hi there.. nice post.. thanks for sharing!

-enJAYneer-
JAYtography: An Online Travelogue

Anonymous said...

LOVE the skewered Elmo fingers LOL

Anonymous said...

Could be Elmo´s fingers or could be hairy caterpillars, whatever suits your taste...

drgns4vr said...

Somehow, the idea of putting raw meat in my mouth--for dessert, no less--is less than appetizing.

WV braco=The sound one makes when heaving up steak-shaped cake.

Rimpy said...

My favorite Wodehouse phrase is when one character tells another, "You're taking up room I had planned for other things." Good stuff.

The Paligos said...

That last one...I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. :(

Susan T-O said...

That last one is too gross to be believed. I shudder at the thought of biting into that, no matter how good it might actually taste.

sendingtheclowns said...

I so wish I could see Elmo fingers in that first one, rather than what I really see: little screaming baby birds, with skewers shoved down their throats waiting to be burned alive.
Now, I really get a huge giggle out of the "ashy" grill picture--it's exceptionally difficult to find a SINGLE piece of "food" on the actual grate. Looks like everything just fell onto the heap o' white-hot frosting. What in blazes ARE they serving there, BTW? Looks to me like: already-been-sucked-on Hall's cough drops, choco-chip cookie bits, ripped-off penguin beaks (why do I keep seeing bird parts?), and little globs of shiny, green phlegm...
Mmmmm...is it ready yet? =^><^=

And Jen? Don't you LET them kid you! That really IS a "penned-in bunch of baboon butts" ! Who wouldn't know one of THOSE when they saw it???

Oriel said...

"It's Memorial Day, and as every red-blooded American knows, there is only one nationally accepted way to demonstrate your sense of patriotic pride in the men and woman who have sacrificed for this country."

what just the one woman? tsk tsk Jen after all the mocking you do of others for their estranged typos ;) hehehe

the wreckorators shall have their revenge!

tracy said...

they may be the worst ever..

Mixtape Anthems said...

That gigantic slab of steak at the end is just delicious. By delicious, I mean wholly unappetizing.

VeggieT said...

I think that post must've given us all the 'willies'

I think the Giant steak one wins for most..... interesting.

and the charcoal briquettes is probably the best execution.

and the award for most appetizing goes to............... WV Ouddabus!

Anonymous said...

I don't know, the Grillin one looked more like sleeping naked mole rats to me.

Anonymous said...

See, it's times like these that I have to wonder who doesn't like cake looking like cake and has to be enticed to eat it by shaping it like something else. I mean, I can understand kids (or adults) not liking a vegetable unless it's hidden in something yummy, but cake? If you can't like cake as is by itself, then, well, I feel sorry for you.

Dorci said...

That raw steak looks eerily realistic. That would really do a number on your brain - your tastebuds are expecting raw meat and get something sugary sweet instead. Blah.

Thanks for taking away my grumpies this morning!

Barbara said...

eep! I'm presently happy that none of my friends read this unless I like it to them! My name is Barb, and yes, they would put me on the barbie for fun...

Ingeborg said...

I nearly fell out of my chair at the shish kabab'ed Elmo fingers. Funniest thing I've seen in ages.

But that baboon butt cake? What is that even ... I'm just speechless. I can't put my finger on what the blobs look like, but it's something very gross that makes my stomach turn. I wouldn't eat that if I was paid.

Rachel said...

If someone brought that first one out at a party, I think I would be mildly impressed! The others though are much, much worse.

Bunny said...

I'm sure some one thought they were oh so funny with the "grilling" sticker. I just don't understand why anyone though "meat cake" is a good idea!!

Half Assed Kitchen said...

Cake flavored meat. Huh.

Vanilla said...

Barbie on a grill... Hmmm...

"Blackhole sun, won't you come..."

For some reason, it's the perfect summer song for me. I've always been a strange gal. I literally grew up on that song and video, and Tom Petty's "Don't Come 'Round Here No More". Says a lot about me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiSkyEyBczU

Happy grilling! Happy Memorial Day, thanks to our troops.

smiles :) said...

"a penned-in bunch of baboon butts"???!!! LOL

I laughed myself sick! It was great! *sniff* Thanks Jen! ;)

elsolylaluna said...

THAT LAST ONE IS AWESOME.

Amy said...

No. These are wrong. Ugh!
~Amy B.

karina said...

I fear that last one. The biggest fear would be that it would actually taste like steak, and it's just TOO rare for me!

Shana said...

Call me crazy, but I'm actually looking at this one, thinking that it's not so bad:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/ShoXQuVLAtI/AAAAAAAAC6k/pdRlMyKbJV0/s1600-h/agent+kaz-ow-grill.jpg

Maybe I'm just desensitized because I've seen much worse due to this site? hahaha.

Haiku Joy said...

Hither, my meat cake!
O, embrace, sweet buttercream
gristle temptation!

MJS said...

My 8 YO son, who doesn't read the copy, looked at the pink CCC grill and said, "Looks like anuses!"

Lisalead said...

I guess if they make meat flavoured cakes, they can make cake-flavoured meat.

yes I remember seeing years ago some concoction via the internet of people that made like meatloafor shepherds pie that looked like cake... gross...

Cathleen said...

Can''t remember the name of the owner of Charm City but one time on Ace of Cakes the crew made him a giant meatball cake for his birthday. That I can understand, but these others?

Raychel said...

Raw meet... no matter if it's a cake... cant do it

Raychel - MyCreativeWay.blogspot.com

~ L. K. said...

The very first one I like, but the grill itself is a little odd looking. I didn't see the steak for a very long time.

I'd think making these into a REAL cake would be so much easier. All the grills look oddly lumpy because they're CCCs.

The second to last looks like so many different organs, or reminds me of them, that I'm truly not sure what to say.

I would love to have that last one. Meat cakes crack me up. I love anything in the shape of another, but I think meat (or toast) are the best. I often wish that, when I have a wedding, to make it entirely out of cakes shaped like meat. :)

Sara said...

What-ho, ol' chum!

Ta muchly for another amusing post!

Always up for a good snicker.

Nate Fakes said...

Blah! Oh my. Those cakes look absolutely disgusting!

Headless Mom said...

Yikes. These are gross. (Runs away covering eyes.)

First time commenter, I think. Love your blog!

Aleesuhn_Muhree said...

Holy crap. . . the last one--the hunk of meat--I think I threw up a little in my mouth at that one.

BBQ cakes is definitely NOT what I'm going to make the next time I bake. Eww.

jkpolk said...

You need to have the last laugh and invent a cupcake pan (if it doesn't exist already) that has some that are a different shape so that when they're all assembled they can make believable circles, curves, etc. Still pull-apartable but not as egregiously malformed.

You could make a mint off of the people you've mocked. :)

Suzanne Dargie said...

As George Carlin once put it, (in regards to leftovers)..."Could be meat.....could be cake........maybe it's meatcake?"

Anonymous said...

Props for PG Wodehouse! If you haven't seen Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry in Jeeves and Wooster, you're missing out.

Margaret said...

Blecchh!! Regarding first picture: Don't they know you're supposed to devein the shrimp before cooking?

Fluffy Cow said...

I for one, am appalled.

roses_rejoice said...

I actually think the "steak cake" is a pretty stunning work of cake art based on how realistic it looks and the potential for confusing your tastebuds. Now, if someone could just make a hunk of raw steak look like a decorated frosted layer cake, and serve them together, that would be worthy of a gallery event!

FabFrugalFood said...

Call me crazy, but I kind of like the one that looks like ashy charcoal briquettes. I mean, at least it's using the cupcakes' normal shape?

Elmo Fingers. I must serve these at my next party.

Anonymous said...

The first one is mildly impressive, if you ignore the bits of creeping multicolored mold, just waiting to come in and massacre those poor Elmo fingers. Look out, Massacring Mold is comin' to a steak cake (stake?) near you! D:

wv. rumas - I've been hearin' some rumas 'bout a steak cake somewhere.

Val said...

Husband & I agree: the "shrimp" in the fist pic look like those ear thingies from Wrath of Khan. ewwwww

Queen Mommy said...

the first one looks like they are grilling a santa hat along with the elmo fingers

sendingtheclowns said...

In defense of the mega roast cake (not *implying* that it NEEDS defending, of course), I'd like to say that I think its creator did a pretty good job of marbling the fat.

And of achieving a fairly realistic-looking shade of bloody, raw, red meat.

Why, they could have graded it (grade A prime sitting cake roast) and sold it by the pound as a MANAGER'S SPECIAL.

You know, for the cookout thingy...what's that called? Oh, yeah: it's a GRIL.

Real Food, Real World said...

Those last two made my kids cry.

A. B. England said...

Oh yay, just what I always wanted. A cake with skewered centipedes on it. *shudder*

Bree said...

These cakes remind me of the cakes I saw in the grocery store Saturday. While there weren't any grills, there was the hamburger cake, and since I live in Maryland, cakes in the shape of crabs, which were actually kind of cute. There were also cakes shaped like a watermelon with a butterfly on it, but it still looked like Kermit's STD.

roachc420 said...

The cakes are gross, but seeing the word "flarnin'" in use makes me smile.

Passion Fruit said...

As we say in Trinidad - Uh Geed!
Absolutely the last cake I would ever, ev0r, eat -- or want to look at for that matter.

I think I don't understand why cakes this literal are made.


Brianna M.

Jay said...

Ooo, that first one has little fallopian tubes on a stick, and a liver on the right, yum.
But the pink things behind bars look like ovaries......or is that just me?

Thanks for the Brit terms, it's a great help to us and makes me feel at home.

Tah, everso.

Anonymous said...

baboon bums lol hahahahah omg....sprfff goes the tea all over the keyboard....

Michelle S. said...

hahahah gee-ross.

Although I do admit the elmo finger shrimps are kinda cute.

Anonymous said...

Cake flavoured meat, how about cake shaped meat?

http://www.blackwidowbakery.com/demo/meatcake/

Rosie_Kate said...

"Elmo fingers" "Leprous cupcakes" "baboon butts". HAHAHAHAA!! Best ever.

Crystal Copeland said...

Disgusting. Seriously.
What. Are. People. Thinking?

Anonymous said...

Ugh...the last two really turned my stomach.

maryjack said...

You're so dang hilarious! And now I feel like watching Bill Cosby after that filth-flarn reference!

redgirl said...

I really like the charcoal cupcake one...attractive in a very distant sense--until one realizes it is supposed to be eaten

Keeley said...

Penned-in bunch of baboon butts!!!! That's the funniest thing you've ever said, and that takes some doing. And you were right. Hee hee. Love the post.

Kimberly Fullton said...

that malformed lump looks more like a malformed rump!

Kizzy said...

Meat cake: http://www.blackwidowbakery.com/demo/meatcake/

I *so* want to make one.

Belle Epoque said...

It's the first time that I'm looking at cakes (even cake disasters) and I feel like barfing...

heartafire said...

Elmo fingers?

ELMO FINGERS???!!!!!!!!

You are the funniest person on the planet.

heartafire said...

The baboon butts might more properly be identified by Ree Drummond as calf nuts. (thepioneerwoman.com)

Seriously.

That's what they are

Tanzie said...

And now I'm a vegetarian who won't eat meat OR cake! Thanks a lot!:)

Anonymous said...

Ah, what a shame to reference the Master in the same breath as these wrecks (but somehow fitting, I'd have to admit)

My favorite Wodehouse-ism is a little apt: "He spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. "The Code of the Woosters (1938)

Melita said...

Nice grill wrecks there. Do you think that the wreckerators in question have just never heard of a round cake pan? Wouldn't that make a circle easier that a bunch of cupcakes? hmm.

Amber said...

Those "shrimp" on the first one look like silverfish.

*shudder* I hate silverfish.

Elle said...

ugh....

Muum said...

prob the best cake wrecks post I've read YET! Bwahhhhaaaaaa! almost makes me want to give up meat

Luxasia said...

Maybe its just me, but that last one reminds me of the movie Kung Pow, where he punches the giant circular plug of flesh out of one of the bad guys. It looks like someone took a cake pan and pushed it through a cow! I keep thinking "shouldn't there be organs and bone? I mean look at it, its still moving!!" Heheheh

Jo-Anne said...

"Grillin" looks like seething mass of Alien eggs under a sewer grating! My mouth is watering!

Jules said...

So Jen, let's count: you're into Stargate Atlantis, all things Disney, Eddie Izzard, The Princess Bride, AND PG Wodehouse, and you're hella funny to boot. I am pretty sure you're like my ideal BFF. I mean that's only the short list of things I love that you have recently referenced. way to be awesome!

jackie31337 said...

Congratulations Jen, you have finally found something for which this is an appropriate reaction: OMGWTFBBQ?!

jackie31337 said...

sendingtheclowns said You know, for the cookout thingy...what's that called? Oh, yeah: it's a GRIL.

And congratulations to sendingtheclowns for finding an occasions for which "it a gril!" is an appropriate sentiment.

Maya said...

Re: Barbie on the barbie...check out the music video for Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun". It has a rather interestingly satisfying scene of a Barbie doll melting on a grill. :D

Amber said...

Why is it even possible to buy plastic shish-kebabs?
How wide a market can the producers of those possibly have?

Anonymous said...

Hey....it a grill!!

Susan said...

OH man i hate CCC's... why do they even bother...

Trish said...

WOW...icky to the max!!! The baboon butt cake looks like caged moose testicles to me. Or at least the testicles of some humungous animal. Gross.

Ya know, I love BBQ'd steak. Slap a slab of bloody red meat on the grill for me anytime. But the last one had me swallowing hard. Repeatedly. It's quite impressive on some points, really. The wrecker has really pulled off a realistic looking meat cake there. Nice fat marbling, effective steak-shape mimicry, but the thickness proportion is a little off. I personally have never seen a steak that thick. Ever. Even as a roast, it's still massive.

Bluck! is all I can say...

cindy said...

I would rather my cake NOT look like a huge slab of dead animal. Ew. I'm not even vegetarian or anything. But EW.

BigMomma said...

I wonder if the last one has raspberry filling.....

Judy said...

To anonymous who said: "See, it's times like these that I have to wonder who doesn't like cake looking like cake and has to be enticed to eat it by shaping it like something else. I mean, I can understand kids (or adults) not liking a vegetable unless it's hidden in something yummy, but cake? If you can't like cake as is by itself, then, well, I feel sorry for you."



Cake decorating is an art form where cake and icing are the medium. The whole thrill of it all is the theory that you can make ANYTHING out of it and we, as artists, want to see just how far that theory can go. The unfortunate part is that the medium is so readily accessible to the wrong hands. Hence we end up with cake wrecks!

Linda said...

Babboon butts..LMAO OMG what the hell is with the grillin stuff..gross

Emma9405 said...

I actually saw a hamburger cake at my local grocery store on Saturday, and I soooo badly wanted to take a picture of it - the bun actually looked moldy! But as fate would have it, it was the first time in weeks that I didn't have my camera with me, and the camera on my cell phone would not have done it justice. It was awful!

Cakedreamer said...

Eeeeeeeeeeeew. Now I'm feeling ill. UCK. These are strange, disgusting and nauseating. What were they thinking?!?!?!

Auntie Meme said...

I still don't understand cupcake cakes. At all.
And people order these specifically? ("I'd like a cake shaped like a trilobite with the inscription 'Dig Here, Dig Now' but make it out of 17 cupcakes.")
Too cheap to order a cake that feeds 18? Too lazy to do the math? Scarred by having run out of cake at a previous function and thus resorting to the 1 cupcake per guest rule?

msprimadonna67 said...

There's just something wrong about a cake that looks like meat.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

Um. 0_0

Really, there are no words. Except maybe "No, I'm not staying for cake."

Rachel Leastlikely said...

meat cake!!!

http://www.fantagraphics.com/index.php?page=shop.browse&category_id=316&option=com_virtuemart&Itemid=62&vmcchk=1&Itemid=62

Quinn's Mama said...

Thanks for dredging up all those miserable, half-buried childhood memories, for I am, alas and alack, Barbie. Have been since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. And since my sister worships your blog, I'm sure she'll snort sweet tea out her nose when she reads this one. 'preciate that. Cheerio.

Barbie

JoMama said...

Who would buy these cakes? A serial killer?!?

And that one TOTALLY looks like baboon butts~HAAAAHHHAAAHHH!!!

I Love Baby Quilts! said...

It a gril!

Sweet Pea said...

My favorite blog and blogger mentioned my favorite author, PG Wodehouse! It is like eating cake and reading about Jeeves all at once. Thank you.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Elmo fingers! That's awesome!
The raw meat hunk is revolting.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately I was eating dinner while reading this particular entry. I managed to gag on my food and totally lost my appetite. BUT, there was plenty of laughter to follow!!

Natalie said...

These cakes offend me as both a cake lover and vegetarian. I need to go throw up.

Jade said...

The first one actually made me naseous... and then I saw the "cages ballon butts" and I couldn't even look anymore... eek!!

Mollie said...

I actually quite like the first one and the nice gray charcoal one...they're creative and they're decorated rather nicely.

I like decorators who think outside the (cake) box.

CakeYum said...

you had me at baboon butts

Vanessa said...

LOL it's the vegetarian alternative!

Francesca said...

My husband and I LOVE P.G. Wodehouse. I'm reading the Blandings Castle books AND we're listening to one of the Jeeves books on CD...which we've found to be an excellent way to get your Wodehouse; but ONLY and I repeat, ONLY if read by Jonathan Cecil!!!!

Ronda said...

That 3rd one reminds me of the scene in "Steel Magnolias" were M'Lynn (Sally Field) discussed grey icing, and wondered how you make grey icing.

Apparently those bakers figured it out, Aunt Fern apparently worked there.

clairebear said...

I can't repeat what first went through my mind when I saw the steak cake, because it had a lot of profanity and blasphemy. That thing... it's just horrifying.

Elkian Lionblood said...

In general? My response to this is:

>whimper<

the first one is the only one that would be semi-acceptable - if they'd only had the sense to leave off the 'utensils'.

the Barbie on the barbie fulfills many childhood dreams....

Miss Bliss said...

Oh stop. Please! I'm laughing so hard, I can't breathe. I love you sense of humor (and propriety)!

Cupcakes Lady said...

Raw meet... as a cake...thats nasty! x

Barbecue Sauce said...

Oh man, my brain would completely melt eating a cake that looks like meat. Great find :)