Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Botched Balloons

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

When it comes to cake decorating, you can't get any more basic than the balloon. One roundish blob of icing, a string, and voila! You're done! This staple of icing decor is so simple that even the most inexperienced of decorators couldn't possibly Wreck it up.

[pause]


BWAHAHAHAH! Hah, did you see what I did there? How I managed to keep a straight face? Hoo boy! [wiping eyes] Heehee!

Ok, seriously, let's count down the ways in which Wreckerators have managed to destroy the seemingly simple balloon, shall we?

1) Gravity Need Not Apply

I suppose you could say the writing is what's upside down, but even then those balloons look more like wrinkly piles of fresh paint than anything else. Yech.

2) Floaters, or Swimmers?

I see this problem a lot, and I don't think it's just 'cuz I have that V-day post on the brain.

It doesn't help when the "balloons" are swimming in a circle, either:

This balloon placement makes perfect sense...during tornado season.


3) Too Small

This is no doubt a commentary on the vast, off-centered, blankness of life.

4) Too big.

These behemoths are coming in for the kill with their teensy dagger strings.


5) Swirly Suckers

Multicolored swirls look, at best, like lollipops. At worst, we're facing the Teletubby poo debacle all over again.

6) "You may use any icing color in the kitchen. EXCEPT THIS ONE."

Ooh, could those be a gaggle of failing organs*, or perhaps hacky sacks made from old pantyhose? Here's hoping!!


Janice L., Nezuko, Troy K., Helen D., Jessica G., & Bex, thanks for taking us up, up and away.


* Geese, organs - they're practically interchangeable, right?
HorribleLicensePlates said...

Those are some colorful sperm.

Trevor said...

Wow, who knew they could make them so badly?! I certainly see some swimmers there, but I wondered if the teletubbie poo wasn't supposed to be flowers, and the decorator just couldn't make a rose?

Kimberly said...

oh.my.goodness. that is hilarious.

Kat said...

Oh wow...never would have thought balloons to be so difficult...

twig said...

Those tiny balloons in the big, blank cake look terrified.

Catmania said...

Maybe #4 is depicting hot air balloons?? Oh well, maybe not.

Elvira said...

I think your post has now shown that Frosting Balloons are an automatic Cake Wreck. Love your blog!

Fluffy Cow said...

Love the "too small" ones... and the final pic? Looks like quite the fearless colon to me.

Half Assed Kitchen said...

Oh, ugh. Band-Aid colored frosting is never a good thing.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Baking and Mistaking said...

I will NEVER ask for balloons on a cake again!

Bibi said...

The bottom one is just gross. Is the marketing department coming up with something new here - flesh balloons? Fleshloons? "Got an artery that's all clogged up? No problem, let us inflate our new Fleshloons up in there and you'll be good as new."

I'm Losing It! said...

Me thinkst that last one probably started out with bright pink balloons on it...but was left under the dreaded flourescent lights a bit too long!

J Applebee said...

I haven't commented in ages, but those, 'Too small' balloons just about sums up my life...

It's all sooo tragic!

Thanks for making me smile like a... well like a loon.

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Everything is dirty... Balloons are dirty.

Judy said...

Chris got pretty colored balloons on his/her 28th birthday cake . Oooooooh Goody for him/her!!!! (clapping hands with fingers spread wide open) :D

Beege said...

Oh, BLECH! Proving the ancient adage (forgive me Mr, Burns) that the simplest things "gang aft awry".


More Spongemonkeys!!! {8^P

Leslie said...

Number 6 is clearly for the veterinary associations "Say no to heartworms" awareness month. Having had the *privilege* of seeing a pickled heart with a bad case of heartworms I can tell you with certainty that it looks quite like that.
I also love the too small balloons...maybe it was a minimalist birthday cake. I was going to say nihilist but then there'd be no balloons at all....and possibly no cake.

QuiteLight said...

AHAHAHA! Thanks, I needed that! Failing organs...

Flartus said...

Ugh, the blobs on #4 make me ill, thinking about trying to actually eat a mound of frosting that big. Perhaps the dagger-like projections are meant to drill their way through your lower intestine, cleaning out all the debris.

After seeing all the ways to flub up balloons, I don't think I'll ever attempt them myself.

Jason said...

Number 4 is clearly a hermit-crab themed birthday party...

joyce said...

I love it: Balloon 101

these look so deflated. sat upon.
squished.

Laura Dotson-Thomson said...

Ok, I can just about let the swirly balloons in #5 pass. I mean, compared to the others, it's a decently made cake with just the problem of the swirls (and peaks I guess). But what were they thinking with the small balloons. I mean, you know the cake is SOOO big, why make the baloons sooo small? Were they waiting for something else?

Cindy said...

Chris got 29 pretty colored balloons on his/her/its 28th birthday cake. D'oh!

joyce said...

#3 reminds me of my brother-in-law's stories of balloons released at funerals....

Kathryn said...

Ugh, maybe it's just because I've got swimmers on the brain, but that last one looks like piles of severed testicles.

Amy said...

You know there's a problem when balloons start looking like sperm...

Haiku Joy said...

Diminutive, meek
Balloons on the troposphere
Of cake, wafting lone.

Dennis said...

Geese? Organs?

Alright! Who put the fois gras on this cake?

slowbee said...

First time I have LOLed IRL from reading a blog in AGES. Oh man.

Anonymous said...

I think the tiny balloons were made to use up the very last little bit of colored frosting. Or maybe, they were very, very far away.

I love the swimmers, and might want swimmers on my cake some day. Frosting swimmers that is.

The last cake looks like it is supposed to be swimmer storage tanks to me. (umm, mountain oysters if I wasn't obvious enough.)

kara said...

I knew the moment I saw the title that there would be sperm involved. You didn't disappoint.

Sharon said...

Almond bark lollipops
Sperm
Sperm
Sperm
Horseshoe crabs
cow pies from crayola eating mini cows
the return of the pig butts from Nah, These Won't Traumatize The Kids At All

Diana said...

The sad thing is....I just ordered a cake for my son's party with balloons on it.... :( now I'm scared...

Tabitha (From Single to Married) said...

ha ha ha ha. You crack me up! And yes, they definitely look like little swimmers, I don't think it's just because of the v-day post!

deckardcanine said...

Maybe the falling balloons are on a celestial body with high gravity and/or low air pressure.

WVOTD: pixelu = Japanese term for pixels.

Amanda said...

I thought the "2 ans" French phallic balloons were the best but the wee balloons in the center of the large cake are quickyl becoming number 2.

Anonymous said...

3) This one really cracks me up. For the right person, I think this could be a funny cake. It would go well with an appropriate quote from The Office: "It is your birthday." Actually, I'm kind of liking that.

6) Calf nuts.

~kate

Jen said...

I used to be a cake decorator and I think I did a pretty good job of it. I just worked in a grocery store bakery but people used to ask for me by name when ordering cakes so I like to think I didn't suck at it. One thing I could never get down though was fricken-fracken balloons. No matter what I did they never turned out right. I would cringe whenever someone would order a balloon cake because I knew it meant they were going to walk out of that bakery with a sperm cake. It's my secret shame. And now not so secret.

Erin said...

I don't know about failing organs...they look more like lopsided butts to me!

jeremyandgirls said...

HACKY SACKS!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!

(breathing in)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

darkshines said...

Ew, the colour and shape of the balloons on the bottom one made me think of.....um.....well, generally hey usually ARE found close to the bottom.....

Helen said...

#3 made me laugh out loud!

Trish said...

Ewww! The last one looks like the decorator put on two hemmerroid "arrangements" (using the term loosely). Sorry, but cake and hemmies? Yack!!!

Katie H. said...

The last one is definitely testicles. I find that gel balloons generally work better than frosting ones although there can still be sperm problems with those too.

wv:makin-with all these sperm cakes, there might be some baby-makin!

vb said...

:D:D:D i *love* the white cake with the microscopic balloons :D:D:D!! no one could possibly _not_ blink when they see it, i don't think...

Janine said...

The one that says "To Andrea" doesn't look that bad to me. They look more like Hot Air Balloons than regular balloons. You just have to use your imagination!

Redd said...

Um, April Fools?

Please?

You mean these arn't the result of some April Fools Day prank? Not even the last one?

*hangs head in mourning for all the cake decorators of the world*

Rob W. said...

There is no such thing as a too-large lump of frosting.

mmmm.... frosting....

sour said...

oh yeah, i get geese and organs mixed up all the time
and i'm a surgeon

(in my nightmares)

LeahBear said...

ha! I actually like the tiny ones! I do have to admit they'd be better if they were in the center though.

Beez said...

On #1, the balloons on the right are clearly "lead balloons". ;)

Pink said...

Hacky sacks from old pantyhose....
LMAO!!!

Comment WIN!

Julie said...

OMG! I have got to stop reading this blog at work while eating my lunch--I almost needed a Heimlich from trying not to laugh out loud. #2 is definitely sperm, take it from someone who looks at them under a microscope for a living. And the last one--definitely testicles. What a disgusting color for a cake!

Miss Yaya said...

lol! i'm loving those tiny balloons

Anita said...

The tiny balloons are hilarious.

Suzanne Dargie said...

Mmmmboy! These certainly look tasty...to someone who loves V-Day cakes and "Prairie Oysters". (That's what the last cake looks like.)

Lae said...

nice blog, what about link exchange with my one?
let me know via comments or mail...
cheers

Onyx said...

Balloons you say? I thought they were sperms. Seriously!

Amy said...

Are balloons really that confusing of a concept to grasp?

~Amy B.

DangGina said...

My favorite of the bunch has to be the tiny balloons in the center of an otherwise plain white cake. Heh heh...it's funny!

Mare said...

Some of those balloons look like sperm!!!! ICK How hilarious!!!!

Bree said...

I'd swear that #4 is a Costco cake because that's exactly what my DS's cake looked like, & it was from Costco. And yes, the balloons are HUGE!

What cracked me up was, one kid at his party wanted one of those balloons & got mad that he didn't! Ewwwwww.

cindyhoo2 said...

This is one of my favorite all-time posts (ok, maybe around my #4 pick). I laughed out loud at my desk. Who knew balloons could go so wrong?

Katie said...

I love how "Chris" has balloons on his 28th birthday cake.

I bet he loved it too. Happy Grownup Day Chris! Now blow out your candles and finish your jelly and ice cream!

KZ said...

HAHA! I love it!

Anonymous said...

I love, love, LOVE your blog. It make me laugh out loud, every day. Thanks!!

Liz said...

Your post reminded me of this Don Hertzfeldt cartoon- Billy's Balloon-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fpc5vgi9zbM

Vib said...

"Too small"

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*reads caption under pic"

haha ha ha ("self aware, stiffened laugh")

Scritzy said...

The tiny ones are kind of cool and give the impression of quiet solitude. (Said with a reasonably straight face.)

The last ones ... um ... Spauldings? No, I'll pass on that lump of icing, please. (It takes something seriously weird to make me want to pass on icing.)

Lara said...

I am reading this at work and seriously had to stifle my laughter at the tiny balloons!! I seriously love that cake.

drgns4vr said...

Afterseeing some of those living dead wedding cakes the other day, where are the wedding cakes with balloons. Just because there might be a comment or two made about wedding night activities that shouldn't stop anyone in the name of good taste, right?

(recovering from a moment of sarcasm here)

Shylah said...

Your comments on the cakes are funnier than the cakes themselves!

Anita Chainsaw said...

My sixteenth birthday cake (purchased by my mother without my input except regarding flavor) had sperm-balloons on it. Even worse, they were pink, blue, and purple. When I discovered this I had to exert every ounce of restraint I had to avoid cracking up in front of my mother, but once she left, ended up pointing it out discreetly to all my female friends - and much giggling ensued.

MistyGirl_2008 said...

The color on that last cake...oh my what were they thinking. I don't even know how to describe it...lol.

Julie from
PartiesAndKids.com

Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Jesus! The flesh-colored ballons are disgusting. They frightened me! Mommy, I'm scared!

Malibu Niki said...

The tiny balloons made me shoot milk out my nose. I laughed until I couldn't breathe!

Sunshine said...

Those are the most pitiful looking balloons I've ever seen... thank Goodness that brand new 5 yr old didn't know that those were sperm and not balloons on his cake.

dykewife said...

have you ever been to the pioneer woman's blog? those blobby things on the last cake bear an enormous resemblance to the testicles that she hangs on her pesky brother-in-law's hat.

Mary Anne Whiteley said...

Oh man, I should have sent in my picture of balloon spermies that I recently took! LOL

Shannon said...

So heinous but so funny!!

Holly said...

The "too small" one got me. So funny, those tiny tiny balloons in a sea of white. What was the decorator thinking?

Meagen said...

The first cake has a beautifully realistic depiction of air-filled baloons left over from someone else's party. Poor Seth's birthday must be right after that of a younger sibling. I feel for him.

Cheesy Ninja said...

that's jacked up. i mean, seriously, who would be so stupid as to put upside-down, positively MINISCULE, or swimming balloons on a cake?

Shellee said...

Looks like they are playing a game of "Musical Ovaries". When the musci stops, someone better jump in!

Drolgerg said...

You should never use balloons on cakes. Balloons are evil.

Nicole said...

So...I'm sorry to report that the ginormous balloons are actually a company standard of the good folks at Costco...You'll be hard-pressed to find any balloons that aren't family-value sized there....I guess it makes sense...