Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Apostrophe is Silent

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

(ATTN PARENTS: This post contains material somewhat "adult" in nature.)

Once upon a time there was a girl named Amber.

Amber decided that school was not for her. Fortunately, she had loving and supportive parents.


One day Amber was offered an exciting new job. To celebrate, she added an apostrophe to her name, thinking it would make her seem more sophisticated. Again, her parents were supportive.

Unfortunately, introducing herself as "Amber - the apostrophe is silent" did not yield the results Amber was hoping for. Still, she did make some new friends at work: Cassie the C...er...Cat, and "Long Lips" Lisa.

Of course, every job has its hazards:


Which Lisa and Cassie were always there to commiserate with:


Then one day, after an unfortunate misunderstanding between the girls and a city health inspector looking for "clogged plumbing", disaster:


Amber said goodbye to her newfound - albeit diseased - friends, and despaired over finding another job to suit her rather unique skill set and wardrobe. Fortunately, her ever-supportive parents were way ahead of her:



THE END.

Thanks to today illustrious Wreckporters Wendy E., Monique R., Alex H., Michele D., & Amber (no apostrophe) S., and Alexa B.
Anonymous said...

oh NO.

!!!

Jen said...

I prefer the 'family friendly' version of Cake Wrecks.

Anonymous said...

Although, as usual, I LOVE Jen's commentary, most of these cakes were obviously made just to send to cake wrecks. Right?? Please please please tell me I am right. Civilization cannot possibly have sunk to these levels. Right? Right?

WV:UNSOC. Excuse me while I unsoc my feet.

tracyvanhorne said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! :D

What are those clam like things on the last cake? Did the pole dancer get crabs?

Fluffy Cow said...

It's like a word journey.

Michelle said...

What are those lumps on the pole dancer cake? I see something totally inappropriate!!

Tigerwolf said...

It’s very simple. This site requires an NSFW labeling because, well, people are wondering why every morning about the same time I’m at my desk making choking noises while I try not to laugh out loud. And today’s post is no exception! Why…what? The little dancing romantic figures on the herpes cake? And…getting FIRED via cake? Isn’t that illegal? And…OMG, what ARE those bloated-Raviolio-looking THINGS on that last cake? Implants?!? No-no-no-no-nooooooo!

^..^

WV: halis. What the halis wrong with these cakes?

Alix said...

A "You're Fired" cake?

Brilliant!

I wonder why I never got one of those.

Judy said...

Proof that those with absolutely NO CLASS celebrate with cake too.

Anonymous said...

Why is there parsley on the Pole Dancer cake? The melted ice cream I can sort of deal with. the coffee beans to indicate the flavor of the ice cream? But Parsley? On a Cake?

The musishian said...

What. The. Heck.

This is one of the most bizzare wreck pastiches you've come up with thus far, Jen. That is a compliment. A somewhat befuddled, stunned, I-can't-believe-I'm-seeing-what-I'm-seeing compliment, but a complement nevertheless.

Is that supposed to be *Hummus* on the chocolate pole-dancer cheesecake?

skatej said...

Gracious!
Dad sent me a text message from my brother's senior trip in Florida:
"You'll be proud of us. We had to do this stupid progressive dinner thing so the boys and I got a cookie cake and had them write 'It's a Gril'"
Byos! (Boys!)

Yakira said...

Oh. My. Gosh.
xDDDD

Jess said...

i'm impressed that the wreckorator got "you're" right on the "you're fired" cake!

Mommy of M's said...

Are you sure those are real cakes???

Tracy O said...

oh my. Any one of these individually would be wreck worthy, but the story tying them all together? Priceless. Not just a word journey, but a career wreck journey. Jen, I do believe you have outdone yourself. Hats off.

Karen said...

Love the herpes cake! So are we to assume that Disney Princesses aren't all disease free?

Anna said...

Cripes, what the H-E-double hockeysticks was that all about?

Little Scarf Girl said...

o__o Wow. That was some story! The "You're Fired" cake seems pretty ridiculous. Who would want to stay and have cake if they were getting fired?!

Laura said...

Sleeping Beauty *was* my favorite Disney movie... until today....

Jaye said...

I really need to stop drinking tea in the morning when I read this blog! My computer screen invariable gets spewed upon!
This was the funniest dang thing I've seen in awhile! lolol....

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding me?! I really shouldn't be in shock that they actually make cakes that say these things, but amazingly, I am! Only Jen could make something so astonishing into something truly hilarious! Great story, Jen! :)

Snow said...

Y'know, Cassie Cat reminds me of Reynard Noir . . . which left me with an odd mental image, as Cassandra has higher standards than that.

Commentator said...

SUPERMAN gave her HERPES?!?!?

But, ever the gentleman, he takes her dancing and buys her a cake to apologize.

Twistie said...

Wow. It's not often one sees an entire sordid life played out in pastry with such verve and detail.

I am in equal parts stunned, mystified, educated, and amused.

Verification word: aphadin. Fraction of a whole din.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm a little scared that you had so many cakes for this little story. Too funny, though.

Makes me mad I didn't get a cake for when I got mono. Or broke my arm. Because apparently any occasion calls for cake, even those you can't say with flowers.

Marji said...

I thought I knew how tacky humans could be.

I was wrong.

Half Assed Kitchen said...

How much do I LOVE how you constructed this story? You devious genius, you.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Jocelyn said...

This was very funny. I appreciate the censored plastic boobies on the pole dancer but those "blobs" on that cake look like they need to be covered up as well. They look....well, they look.....

ROFL

Demon Blogger said...

Oh holy cow...I had no idea that cakes could be so...truthful. Kind of puts a spin on "sugar coating" it.

Robert said...

That third cake is such an odd place to find Sleeping Beauty and her Prince...

WV: yortsm - Random yacht parts found in the ocean along with flotsam and jetsam.

Ann Hedvig said...

OMG lol, hillarious

Mirth said...

Love the Disney themed herpes cake. I wonder if there's any connection? You know, Spring Break in FL, made a little side trip to Disney, got a little drunk on the Pirate's ride, woke up in "It's a Small World Hell" hungover and contaminated. It could happen.

Anonymous said...

Guess it just goes to show you that there's a cake for ever occasion. :)

But Jen,,,um.. did you FORGET your apostrophe this morning: Thanks to today illustrious Wreckporters..." Maybe that baker used them all up. :) Hehehe..

DangGina said...

sick.

mustdestroyalltraces said...

i want my funeral to have my life story told in cakes now.

Kashmir said...

......words elude me......

*blink* *blink* *blink*

Kat said...

Those were real cakes? Wow.

This post reminds me of last night's Rules of Engagement. It involved a penis cake for a "adult toy" party. Of course, they didn't show the cake, but there were several witty jokes referring to it.

Ashley said...

The herpes cake is actually nicely done... wow... as Judy said, those with no class still celebrate with cake and these no-class-folks at least found a nice bakery.

Lilly said...

Perhaps I'm too much of a perv but um. I see "clams" on that pole dancer cake.

Trevor said...

Wait, is that Superman dancing with Belle on the Herpes cake? Really?

Gladys said...

Anon...haven't you ever tasted Choco-Mocha Parsley Clam Cake (Now With Added Pole-Dancers!)??

Man, you're missing OUT.

WV: grawks. I does not grawks why these cakes was made.

Anonymous said...

Singularly, the BEST POST EVAR on this site.

Mazel tov!

Raychel said...

It's funny that the herpes one is on a kids disney cake (sleeping beauty). lol

Raychel from www.MyCreativeWay.blogspot.com

Mandee said...

Just when you think you've seen it all...Jen never fails to entertain (and provide a need for a dishtowel next to the computer...something is needed to wipe up the coffee sprays!)!!!

WV: DOWNU- what Amber, Lisa, and Cassie obviously did one too many times!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just WOW!

Haiku Joy said...

To apostrophize:
I address you, silent one,
oh, apostrophe!

wv: unini.

"Unini, Haiku Joy. No one will get that pun."

thorswitch said...

I think the "Sorry about your Herpes" cake is the weirdest, just because it's so colourful and the decorating job on it actually isn't awful...

Beyond that, all I can come up with is WTH?!?

Cat said...

Those are hilariously inappropriate! I love it!

And I have to say my "crap-detector" went off a little, are we sure these are photo-shopped somehow? I just can't believe someone would get a cake saying "We Are Proud Of Our High School Dropout"

Andrea said...

I think that looks a lot like hummus on the pole dancer cake too. Um... what??

Otherwise, this is a brilliant post, Jen!

Julie said...

Woah.

Passion Fruit said...

O. my. goodness.

HAHA!

This is insane!

People actually ordered these things?


--Brianna' (the apostrophe is of the silent variety).

Cat said...

And also, I've decided that the flesh colored mounds on the last cake are what I think they are. So then I guess I understand the parsley, but now I am confused about the coffee beans.

wpb30635 said...

At least the apostrophe is correct in the "You're Fired" cake.

TooTiredToRide said...

haha! I think this is one of my favorite posts!! Bravo, well done!

oddharmonic said...

I saw that Fudgie the Whale and immediately read its message in my mental voice of Tom Carvel. That's gonna be stuck in my head for a while now.

(For those of you not wanting to go look up old Carvel ads, Carl Kasell did a pretty decent imitation of Tom Carvel during the Not My Job segment of the April 11th episode of Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!. And it has William H. Macy, so you might find it really funny, like I did, or just be confused, like my husband was. He can't help it, he grew up in the land of Blue Bell ice cream. It's delicious, but there's no Cookie Puss.)

Cakedreamer said...

There are no words. None.

Viewtiful_Justin said...

That's the best post ever. Hands down. How horrific!

Tauna said...

Brilliant! You got story skillz gril! High Five!

Suzy said...

HAHAHAH!!

Ringleader said...

Oh my... cake and a visual social commentary at the same time... it's like the "this is your brain on drugs" commercials only in cake. By far the most disturbing are the lumps surrounding the pole dancer with coffee beans and parsley on them... please someone offer en explanation other than the very unpleasant one that I am imagining!

Ulrike said...

The writing on the "fired" cake is really nice.

Plush said...

on the pole dancer cake, are those supposed to be lady private parts?

I can't believe that these are real cakes. Are people ordering wrecky cakes just so they can put them on cake wrecks?

Little Luxuries said...

Those things on the last cake, are they... they look like... they couldn't be...?

*faints*(hilarious write-up, Jen. I would never have expected so much... inappropriateness on one post).

And just to add to the hilarity, the word verification captcha for this comment is "inkho".

Natalie said...

Really? Like, REALLY? I mean "cheers!" to embracing that long held belief that there's a cake for every occasion, but a brown whale bemoaning syphilis? Oysters on a cheesecake celebrating pole dancers? Wow. This takes it to a whole new level.

Anyway Jen, I'd like to send you a virtual sprinkle-laden cake celebrating this bizarre photo essay that says, "Great Job on the Porn Blog Post."

Stacey B said...

I'm thinking those vagina-esque things by the pole dancer needed their own censor bars. Yikes!

StuffCooksWant said...

OMG! You CAN make everything better with cake!

Anonymous said...

"So then I guess I understand the parsley, but now I am confused about the coffee beans."

perhaps they have something to do with the...erm...disney princess cake?

Aelysium said...

...Syphilis blows? *dies laughing*
Also: I'm sort of new to Cake Wrecks. What's the deal with this WV thing that's in some of the comments?

Julie said...

People actually paid to get that stuff put on cakes? Holy cow.

Just when you think this site can't get any more Wrecktastic!!

Jeremy said...

Best post ever.
Thanks, Jen. Hilarious as always, but especially so today. *laughs*

And to second-poster Jen, lighten up a bit, dear. :)

KLTTX said...

Hysterical!

Sheila said...

Very, very cute story - you are so creative! :)

Charlotte said...

Absolutely hilarious! I am confused as to why the Syphillis cake has candles on it though, is it one candle for every diagnosis?
As for which Disney Princess is on the Herpes cake...well, it's quite obvious she's from the new generation of princesses, that's Sleeping Around Beauty!

Anna Kauz said...

Hahaha, I love it!!

quat said...

"Choco-mocha parsley clam cake, now with added pole dancers..." !!!
Thanks, Gladys, for that. It made me spew my coffee all over again. Those coffee beans on the "clams" disturb me. A Lot. And, no, I don't care to eat one.
Pole dancing cakes, herpes cakes, SYPHILIS cakes (!!!!).... who knew? Wish I didn't.

Angry Housewife said...

ow, ow , ow , my face hurts from laughing too much and now my lap hurts from spilling hot coffee, it is all your fault, must stop reading Cake Wrecks first thing in the morning

Amy said...

Well, if you can't talk your family member out of their chosen occupation, maybe it's best to celebrate?

The STD cakes are a bit gross though. The pole dance one is funny!

~Amy B

Aesa said...

Ah-ha! The flesh colored mounds are leering men with parsley hair and coffee bean eyes and mouths... at least that is what I am determined to see.

Rebecca Welch said...

Best cakewreck story EVER!

Yota Armai said...

Fab post Jen! I especially loved the little warning at the top and how you turned seemingly no related cakes into a a little fractured fairy tale as it were.

WV = word verification, it's our chance to make up definitions for the odd word verifications that we receive in order to post our comments. Like mine is ationvo, but I don't have a witty definition for it.

Kathryn H said...

That's a whale of a cake for a whale of a ... disease!

ros said...

There are no words.

Well, apart from Jen's words.

My favourite is the herpes cake with the prince and princess topper. Just sets the right tone, I think.

Persnickety Ticker said...

And now? Just to tribute this awesome porn-esque post? I am heading straight to my kitchen to put some parsley on a princess cake.

When in Rome..er..Cake Wrecks Land!

Oh, and Marji? What planet do you hail from, dear?

Sydney said...

BEST POST EVER!

Miss Kolleen said...

poor fudgey the whale :(

Kim said...

Total kudos for finding two wrecky cakes with the name "Amber" or..um.. Amber' as the case may be. Way to pull the storyline together!

Anonymous said...

Aelysium said...
...Syphilis blows? *dies laughing*
Also: I'm sort of new to Cake Wrecks. What's the deal with this WV thing that's in some of the comments?

WV is defining the Word Verification that you must enter to make a post. Example:

WV: Bacie - Ow! My bacie hurties from laughing at Jen's blog too much!

Just Me,Pilgrim said...

Your commentary was hysterical!

Oh wait...
your' commentary' was' hysterical'!'

The apostrophes are silent.

ebidebby said...

What on earth is around the pole dancer on that last cake?

Niki said...

is amber pole dancing in mounds of hummus?

Nick said...

Lol . . . people haven't been to many frat or sorority parties if they've never seen one of those "Sorry for the (insert venereal disease)" cakes. It's one of the most overdone jokes in certain college towns, yet it never seems to lose its charm. :)

Your story linking the cakes is priceless, and it almost has a child's bedtime story quality to it. :P

CALpumper said...

Laugh. Out. Loud.
FUNNNNNeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh what has society come to??

ha ha ha
Is it wrong that I am laughing?

Astoundingly you have outdone yourself dear. Such Great talent you have in storytelling, through, cake.
Sweet. Sweet. Sweet.

CaitStClair | A Peachy Bride said...

Definitely best post ever!! You have outdone yourself Jen! I love it!

kjl said...

I'm really hoping that most of those were jokes if not intentional wrecks.

I have to admit I probably wouldn't have left a comment except that I was so excited to share my word verification: CHARLES! That's the first time I've ever seen a real name, I think!

Chantal said...

LoL! :-))) I having more fun just reading the other comments then the cakes itself.

Koala Kiwi said...

hello ....LOLZ !!!!!!it's so funny cause no ones prowed of there high school drop out ....and also why whold someone make the cinderella cake like that i mean really any ways this next thing i say is for any one who does not swear on blogger.......PLEASE COME TO MY BLOG !!!!!(cause if you do you'll be the first to coment!!) and also swaering is a big no no cause ... well it just is so yeah......so please come to my blog ...well if you what to .... ta-ta

The musishian said...

Aelysium,

The "word verification" is something that you have to enter to post a comment. Kind of like an automated Spam cop to keep out, er, automated Spam-bots.

They are never real words, though. They are combinations of letters that almost, but not quite, spell out real words.

Since many cakes featured on the blog are also "spelling challenged," a lot of cake wrecks fans use the word verification on their post to compose a bit of a "Devils Dictionary," to define the word, or use it in a sentence, usually involving a pun of some sort.

Charlene said...

Oh...my...goodness!

I must stop reading Cake Wrecks while my daughter sleeps. I'm sure the cackling and snorting laugher will eventually wake her up!

Thanks for making my day a little brighter!

mjs said...

Maybe those aren't coffee beans; there may be olives in those ... objects.

Hi Aelysium, WV = Word Verification.

WV: tefins on the whale are well executed.

Mess Maker said...

ahahaaaa --- who doesn't want a whale-shaped syphilis cake?

.. long lips lisa ...

oh, jen, that was a wonderful story.

Alex H. said...

OMG OMG OMG!

That's MY Sleeping Herpes cake! :D I'm so happy you posted it!

If you want some background info, I made a quick blog entry about it. There are more pictures and the backstory for this cake: http://www.alexheberling.com/2009/05/19/sorry-about-your-herpes

Also, the Princess Aurora/Prince Phillip figure were a wind-up thing, so they would spin around on the cake as well, "dancing."

Silkydog said...

LOL!
I don't even want to know what those things around the pole dancer are supposed to be!!!

Melissa (& Billy) said...

0_0

That's all. Just 0_0

MaryIrene said...

Wow, that was just funny! And I haven't seen Fudgie the Whale in so long, I had almost forgotten about him! God bless Carvel!



VW - unfut: to remove ones lower appendage from his embarrassed mouth

Anonymous said...

I want the back story on the "You're fired" cake from Amber S. since she's the one who submitted it. What kind of boss fires someone that way?

whateverfor said...

The syphilis cake is in the shape of a whale... who blows air! The herpes cake was hysterical as well, since it looked so beautiful but instead said "sorry about your herpes". I mean really, even if it's for a distasteful reason you can still have a beautiful cake!

Great story, Jen!

WV: menagi. seems to fite with amber's story... he he

Willow said...

BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just spat tea all over the monitor. ;)

LaLanya said...

Hmmmm, they are missing something... let me think.. ahh yes, they need some white curly ribbon! :)

WM said...

Man...just when you think you've seen it all!

Anonymous said...

What in the heck are those things on the top of the pole dancers cake? They look like oysters. On second thought maybe I don't want to know...

~ L. K. said...

Amber may have had a life of STDs and whoring, but, in the end, she got cake.

El Comodoro said...

I thin' Amber''s nam' 's shor' fo' somethin' lik' Amberringaroundtherosie or Amberpleadsnocontest or Amberwilldoanythingforattention. So th' apostroph' 's ther' jus' t' tak' th' plac' o' somethin' els'. Yea'?

www.captainjackmakesport.blogspot.com

Judy said...

I've never heard of Carvel or Fudgie the whale. It must be only in the U.S.

cakes funny, commentary not said...

The "albeit diseased" part of the sentence REALLY wasn't needed.

Lauren said...

I'm sure that message isn't what Carvel had in mind when they created Fudgie the Whale...

I'm so glad I work in an office where if I'm caught snickering at porn/STD/pole-dancing oyster cakes (plus Jen's always-amazing commentary) my boss won't fire me but join me in guffawing.

Charlene said...

What do Oysters Rockefeller have to do with pole-dancing prostitutes?

The Halls said...

The Syphills Blows should be the next shirt. Freakin' hysterical

Our Crazy Life said...

What in the heck is on that pole dancer cake?? It looks like a bunch of tiny coochies~ well maybe huge ones if the dancer is only that big!!

Marie said...

Oh my gosh! So hilarious! Loved todays post :) And really, what was with the blobs with grass on the pole dancer cake?! Too funny!!

Holly said...

Ahahaha - that was AWESOME. Great story!

Indy said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Can't stop laughing :')

Thank you!

Lisa Smiley said...

hilarious. who gets these cakes!!?

Patsy M said...

*dies laughing*
I'm not going to complain about the adult themes...it's a welcome break from seeing the Dora cakes from yesterday. The world is balanced again.

Amber said...

>.< My name is Amber.

I can't believe those cakes exist! What a fun job to make cakes, I'm sure they get all sorts of weird orders.

Little Lovables said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Anonymous said...

CONGRATULATIONS!
Cake Wrecks appears on this weeks Favorites of the Week at AllMyFaves.com

Mandy said...

"Syphilis Blows".


BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*whew*

Miranda said...

Well if they do cakes for that stuff, why didn't I get one when I wiped out on the dance floor and my wig came off?

Cammie said...

OMG!!! That is hilarious! Funniest post I have ever read on Wrecks!

Mandy said...

I thought those were pierogies on the last cake. But after MUCH inspection, it appears to be ice cream. Either way - EW!

Anonymous said...

I seriously need to know what those things on the last cake are. If I'm being honest, they look like nether regions because I have no idea what else they could be. I'm hoping they're something else though because I couldn't eat a cake with... well... you know. Boob cakes are bad enough.

lisadh said...

Brilliant storytelling, Jen!

These cakes are just...just...I'm speechless.



wv: mutival - an unplugged carnival

sendingtheclowns said...

Flunking unbelievable. There are parents who are actually proud that their child has dropped out of school? Yeah, way to not go, huh? They even capitalize the "dropout" as if it were a title or something... I give up!
(BTW, shouldn't the word be two, as "drop-out"?)
Ah, well...it hardly matters NOW, does it...
=^ee^=
Maybe the little darling can aspire to be the leader of an Underachievers Anonymous group.
----------------------
@Charlotte
" ... that's Sleeping Around Beauty!"

THAT is hilarious! >^~~^<

Ctal said...

Best. Post. EVER. omg.

Meagan said...

Wow, even with a wicked migraine this post was so worth reading.
Great work Miss Jen!

Jane Doe said...

Oh my. That totally made my week. I LOVE this post! :)

Caty E. said...

may i sincerely recommend this page? sure cake-terror abounds there!

http://www.coolest-birthday-cakes.com/

holly said...

Omg, I am laughing until I can't breathe. I'm gasping here folks!

I love the way you wove a story with seemingly non-related cakes, the cakes themselves are cracking me up and I'm thinking that maybe the pole dancer cake should have some more black lines because those..um...mounds...look like, well SOMETHING. I see I'm not the only one who's seeing that too!

I would LOVE to know the story behind these cakes. I'm sure (I hope) that most of them are inside jokes but I really hope someone will recognize them and supply the background. Well done, Jen!

Anonymous said...

My favorite part? The Sleeping Beauty figurines on the herpes cake. Walt Disney would be so proud!

Tristan's Mom said...

Jen - your commentary is FABULOUS, as always! The cakes are even more disturbing than usual. And what is WITH the 'clams'? on the last cake? Is that symbolic? Or is she pole dancing on a deserted island? ::confused::

julie in arlington said...

Did anyone else notice that the last cake was cheesecake? And the pole dancer looks to be about 10 months pregnant? Obviously it is coffee cheesecake.

sendingtheclowns said...

Haiku Joy said...
"To apostrophize:
I address you, silent one,
oh, apostrophe!
...No one will get that pun."
=================
It could drive me crazy; so, pray tell, what's the pun here?
(I like puns.)

Heide said...

Are those beetles crawling out of vaginas on the last cake?

Jennifer said...

rotfl!! I especially love the storytelling that accompanies the cakes. Without the story telling, the cakes just don't have the same effect.

Belle Epoque said...

The pole dancer cake is turning me on in more ways than one...

thecatsmeow said...

OMG...I think I wet myself laughing once I got over the initial shock of that one cake (with the coffee beans and all)... I had two thoughts after looking at it, neither of which were right for the kiddie set. (Like other commenters have suggested, rather inappropriate if that's what they are.) Your storytelling, though, was absolutely brilliant! Just goes to prove that even with cakes, some people have no class... and that's funny for those of us who have at least a little bit.

Catherine said...

I believe the things on the pole dancer cake are supposed to be oysters.

http://epicurious.blogs.com/features__editor/images/2007/09/25/oysters_and_wine_2.jpg

Oysters are commonly thought to be an aphrodisiac.

Very odd. /giggle

Jenny said...

What comes next? You've got to tell me what comes next!!! Amber goes straight? Gets married? Has kids? DIES? Woman you must tell me!

P.S. word verification : unceives -- that's what happens when a baby is made!

archersangel said...

i love amber's saga.
sounds like some odd plot line on a soap opera.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the pole dancer cake. Those lumpy things look like oysters with raisins on top. And neither of those things is appropriate on top of a cake. Of course, neither are pole dancers, I suppose.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, that's the prettiest "Sorry about your herpes" cake I've ever seen. Okay, it's the only "Sorry about your herpes" cake I've ever seen, but still, it sure is pretty...

UptownHippie said...

What in the holy frakking frak are the beige bits on the pole-dancing cake?

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm being too serious, but the pole dancer cake is very well done - looks like a typical French-type cake if you just remove that pole dancer in the middle. Those 'oysters' are just cream or mousse meant to be shaped exactly like they look - quenelle. Don't you see ice-cream and mousse and stuff served like that at restaurants?? I guess not? Not everything that decorates a cake has to realistically represent something, you know. Oh yeah, the 'parsely' are sprigs of chervil. I admit they are related to parsely though.

Aleesuhn_Muhree said...

Oh my god, this is absolutely amazing. I can't believe people actually put this stuff on cakes---then proceed to take pictures of it and be proud of their work!

Alyson'

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

You have a great blog...I enjoyed my visit. Stop by and visit me when you have some time and read about our latest Disney adventures....Grandparent trips are the BEST...and every comment enters you for the May giveaway.

Susan said...

Pole dancer, nothing.

I hope never again to see a cake that includes hummus, coffee beans and black pepper.



WV: kajachll.
'Nuff said.

sendingtheclowns said...

Jen, Jen, Jen...this is the BEST!!!
These cakes! The saga! A real tour de force, I must say.
Venereal diseases, school drop-outs, job terminations, lousy punctuation, tastelessness, pornography, ugh-ly cakes--it's got it ALL!
The best part?
The quotation marks you put around the word "adult," right from the start ("ATTN PARENTS: This post contains material somewhat "adult" in nature.").
I mean, if I were a child, I'd be thinking, "If all of this means 'adult,' then *shee-it*... I don't wanna grow up!"
I can't WAIT to get my hands on your book!
!Brava! >^~~^<

Kimberly said...

hilarious!

Redd said...

This post made me laugh so hard my laptop fell off my laugh. No damage done, fortunantly. This is hands down, my favorite Cakewreck post, ever!

elesa said...

Sleeping Beauty dancing with Superman on a herpes cake. Ah, it just seems fitting somehow.

Brandy said...

Hahahahaha! I LOVE this site. I always laugh hysterically. Thanks for the laughs. :)

Meme said...

OMG! That isn't just any syphillis cake - that is a fudgey the whale Carvel Ice cream cake! Too funny.

silvergirl said...

In regards to the pole cake, i'm surprised more people don't recognize Dipping Areas when they see them.

::shakes head sadly::

Wicked Witch of the West (Coast) said...

These were so so SO very funny. Totally made my night.
Although, I have to wonder what the decorators thought of what people wanted written on the cakes. I mean, I know if someone called me up and told me to put some of those things in icing on a cake I'd be a little taken aback ...
but maybe that's just me.

Tammi said...

As someone who had cake for her UnWedding (post-divorce) party, I so totally appreciate these and people with a wacky sense of humor. :)

Sparky said...

Um....on the herpes cake...is that Superman dancing with Jane Jetson? Or am I hallucinating?

Although Jane does look a bit evil...

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Hahaha! Very unfortunate she got herpes from her career :P This is seriously a hilarious post! I love it! But in a platonic sort of way. I don't wany herpes and syphilis...

Anonymous said...

I can see all the other cakes as normal jokey cakes, but "syphilis blows"??? On a Carvele whale cake?

I would love to know the back story on that one.

Jenna said...

I don't think they were Photoshopped - but I think they were all made as jokes. Not specifically for Cake Wrecks but just to be funny. Especially the Herpes cake. Which I love. I want that to be the wedding cake, except there'll be decapitated clown heads in the corners.

Jay said...

The pole dacing one made me feel creepy, swirly beige is not a good cake colour really is it?

But hey, cake for every blip in modern life, there's a huge industry to be tapped into there.

Bit concerned that those cakes didn't get thrown, 'cos you would really wouldn't you, when faced with a drop out cake, it would just beg to be jammed into someones face.

Sweet revenge.

Bree said...

Although it's totally inappropriate, that "You're Fired Cake" not only is gorgeously written, but centered nicely too!

I also noticed the pole dancer cake was cheesecake. I think that's one of the ugliest looking cakes I've seen on this blog. Good thing I don't like cheesecake!

Anonymous said...

These cakes are truly surreal. It just shows how folks love to celebrate life's milestones (good or bad) with cake. Cakes makes everything better, right?

-WM

Katie H. said...

I'm surprised no one said anything about the cracked, discolored icing on the "dropout" cake. Loved the storyline. These cakes reminded me of the customer on Mother's Day who wanted, "Thanks for getting knocked up" written on a cake. I tend to assume that most cakes like that are some sort of inside joke. I always wanted a Fudgie the Whale cake; it sounds good. And if I was fired via cake, I'd definitely take some cake with me when I left. At least they spelled "you're" correctly!

BigMomma said...

I so needed a laugh today. Thank you for providing me with one!

Love the "fired" cake. If you have to get fired you should at least get to eat some cake!

Jessica said...

This was awesome.

Anonymous said...

I think the female genitalia add penache and a hint of sophistication to the pole dancer cake, but then again, I recently suggested my DIY co-worker use mold-colored paint on the new bathroom she's building.

Another "11" on the I-can't-believe-it's-not-butter" o-meter!

Bri2k

Vellum said...

I think this is your most brilliant post ever.

And with herpes fresh on my mind, the word verification "hamarpes" seems like a very interesting type of said disease...

Lauren said...

Best. Storytime. Ever.

WV: rewed. It was so good the first time, I thought I'd do it again!

Anonymous said...

I don't think that the dropout cake is supposed to mean that they are proud s/he dropped out. I have seen people order cakes like this for when someone has gone back and finished their degree or done something else important. Such as Dave Thomas owning a franchise before he got his high school diploma. Kind of like "hey, you dropped out, but you still did something great".

Anonymous said...

Don't tell me people actually pay good money for cakes like this.

Kay said...

They are "bearded" clams on the last cakes. I asked my employee what she saw on the last cake and she said "pole dancer, boobies, va jay-jays ohmigod!" Ah, good times.
WV= whork
an alternate word for prostitution

Doodles said...

Today's cakes should be called cake DRECKS, not wrecks!

Anonymous said...

Why are there blobs of hummus on that pole dancer cake? And the herpes cake is rather nicely done aside form slightly uneven border icing.
At least everyone was able to celebrate!

Mmmm, CAKE! said...

Since the national average is that 1 in 5 people have Herpes, (Whether they know it or not, it can be asymptomatic so it gets transferred really easily. *Not kidding, look it up*), I think we need to start a competition for well done HSV cakes damnit!

Anonymous said...

OMG! That was great!
xo Brooke

Sarah said...

Holy wow! I did the Amber' one very early in my short-lived career. Just so you know -- The apostrophe was REQUESTED and I confirmed three times the spelling of the name because I didn't believe it. I don't know whether to feel shamed or ecstatic that I've made it on CakeWrecks.

Sarah said...

And having read all the comments, I can answer a few questions - The "good luck with your porn career" cake was chosen out of the case, and they asked me to inscribe it right there. It was not a joke, the customers' coworker was quitting to pursue a career in porn, under the name Amber'. And for those who think it was specifically for CakeWrecks, it was purchased almost three years ago, and by far the strangest thing I've ever written on a non-joke cake!

Hatsie said...

SpongeBob just bought a cake that said, "Sorry about the Scabies." LOL!

Haiku Joy said...

Dear Sendingtheclowns,

Here's hoping you see this, even after all this time!

~~~~

Haiku Joy said...
"To apostrophize:
I address you, silent one,
oh, apostrophe!
...No one will get that pun."
=================
It could drive me crazy; so, pray tell, what's the pun here?
(I like puns.)

~~~

The pun is on the word "apostrophe." An apostrophe is the punctuation symbol which looks just so ' . But in all the richness of the English language, an apostrophe is also when a person speaks to something that cannot respond, such as a pet, a tree, a flower, the snow.

Much poetry uses the device of apostrophe. Anytime a non-human, non-verbal entity is addressed, you may call that address an apostrophe.

In this case, I was apostrophizing the apostrophe.

The Runaway Lawyer said...

My 4 year old wants the herpes cake for his birthday now. Um....thanks, lol.

The Rev said...

The only truly horrifying thing about all this is that Western civilization has declined so far that I couldn't immediately rule out the entire chain of events as a story made up just to link several poorly thought out cakes!

That said, this made my night. :D


WV: BUIST -- a follower of Bu, of course!

Hayley said...

I thought it said 'pole dancers crack'

Anonymous said...

The parley is for . . . accentuating the shape of the "ice cream" . . .

Brittany said...

Is it just me, or does that coffee ice cream on the stripper cake look an awful lot like female genitals with coffee beans and parsley pubes?

Anonymous said...

This story should have been called "Forever Amber." :D

DeeNadj said...

It is what it is. My mother always told me she and my dad be PROUD of me no matter WHAT I did. Her only request was simply that I be the best (insert occupation here) that I could be. So I can totally see my Mom & Dad giving me a "Congrats on your porn career" cake, or "we're proud of our high school dropout" - as long as I was being the BEST high school dropout syphilitic porn star with herpes that I could be.

THIS is what we get for being told to be certain that our children ALWAYS feel good about themselves. Sometimes, you SHOULD feel bad. VERY bad.

CHEAP VIAGRA MAN said...

what a cake!

Anonymous said...

yes 'anonymous' these are true. i am a victim of bakery mistakes. i ordered a simple happy birthday cake for one of my daughters. everthing was good except the inscription. the only writing on the cake was the stock order # dc-204 & that was it.