Friday, February 13, 2009

What's Love Got to Do With It?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and depending on your relationship status and tolerance of all things stuffed and cutesy, you're either dreading it or looking forward to some sweet gift-swapping with your SO.

Today's post is more for the former group of you, partly because it's Friday the 13th, and partly because there's nothing like depressing and/or angry offerings from jilted malcontents to make you feel better about opting out of the whole chocolate-covered love fest anyway.

Besides, who can resist a sardonic cookie?


Or how's this for an expression of love: a heart cake chopped in two?

It's almost poetic, really. That, or the baker on duty just got dumped.


I think this is supposed to be a heart. A sad, bruised, limping little heart. Po' widdle ting.


Uh, this is a cake celebrating love, right? I only ask because I'm getting a more creeped-out vibe than the warm fuzzies. "Oh, these purple blobbies? Those are for eating your soul."


Be yours? Why, you had me at the lumpy Pepto-pink frosting, Sugalumps. Aw yeeeah.


This cracked me up. I guess those emo kids working at the mall are good for something, after all.

(Yes, I'm kidding. You just have to figure out about which part.)



Collette, Lauren C., Beth F., Jessica S., Paula L., & Julie D., here's hoping someone checks "yes" on your Valentine cookies.
Justine said...

The Check Yes or No cookie is the most amusing cookie cake I've ever seen!

From Single to Married said...

Those are the saddest little cakes I've ever seen - especially the 'bruised heart.'

The Courteous Chihuahua said...

YIKES! Cake #5 reminds me of this...

DO NOT VIEW IF EATING or IN THE COMPANY OF CHILDREN.

Catharine said...

I love the creepy cake! altough it resembles a butt much more than an heart!

Eliz... said...

That last one? Lose-lose situation there. Giving and/or receiving, you suck.

Suzanne Dargie said...

These are just HORRIBLE! I've yet to find such monstrosities here in Toronto. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough.
#4 looks like a face on somebody's butt-cheeks!
The "Do You Love Me...NO" Cookie is cute.

Trevor said...

Are you sure that one cake isn't a butt with eyes? That's just... just...

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Six years ago, my dad had a heart transplant.

I'm pretty sure that his sickly, worn out heart didnt even look as bad as the heart cake in pic #3!

Hallie

Fluffy Cow said...

I want an evil cookie.


With sprinkles.

bitsie said...

OMG! I thought the 'real' heart one said it was 'almond puppy' flavor! LOL!

Anonymous said...

That "check yes or no" cookie is the best! I love it.

Katrina said...

The brown one with the purple frosting bits looks like two "Mr. Potato Heads" kissing...

That, or a butt.

Raevyn said...

OMG, that 4th one looks like someone's butt with a face painted on it. WHAT was the baker thinking??

Dionne said...

I was thinking the purple blobbies cake looked more like a smiling butt than a heart!

PamperingBeki said...

Oh.My.Gosh.

B said...

Oh god, the emo kids! That's the funniest thing I've ready in a long time. I would buy that cookie cake if I saw it.

Elaine said...

Do I love that last cookie cake?

[x] yes
[ ] no

Les@SpillingBuckets said...

I think the bruised heart is selling for £49, that's a lot for heart break.

Also - the cookie question is awesome.

Half Assed Kitchen said...

I'm going to be sad to see these heart cake features go after V-day.

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

Emily said...

OMG that last one is amazing! Like being rejected by your crush, only in cookie form instead of passed-note form. Perfect.

sharalyns said...

Oh my goodness! The one with purple blobbies looks more like a bum than a heart! And to leave it unfrosted just adds to the effect!

Jessica said...

can't help but think that the cake with the purple blobs look more like butt cheeks than a heart. Which makes the purple blobs all the more frightening. eugh.

Cae said...

The third one looks like a snail.

Anonymous said...

okay the purple one looks like a darn snail. I LOVE the No cookie ROFL!

Galadriel said...

That fourth one is not a heart, No, that is a distinctly different part of the anatomy, though one also associated with kissing.

Kristin in WI said...

That brown cake looks like a butt to me. "Happy Valentine's Day? Yeah, you can kiss my ass!"

Miranda said...

The joke is that the emo kids are *working* at the mall instead of slinking around aimlessly? :P

I lurves Valentine's Day, but I don't lurve the backache I have, and the fact that I'm working when I would so much rather be playing hooky when it's nice out. sigh. lol

voxwoman said...

that brown soul-eating cake looks like someone drew eyes and a mouth on a pair of buttocks.

TeratoMarty said...

Ok, that smiling thing with the purple blobs looks much more like Bob the Happy Arse than a heart, and the pink thing below it looks like a diagrammatic cakey representation of a uterus with an implanting zygote. Way wrong.

Buffy said...

These are awesome! I think that fourth one looks like someone drew a face on someone's bare butt?? That's what first came to mind, anyway.

Lisa said...

Those are great! I love the sardonic cookie! What a great face - lol. Happy Valentines!

laura said...

SUGARLUMPS!!!!

Flight of the Conchords forever.

~Laura~

kara said...

#4 is a mix between an apple and a puffer fish.

tinackp said...

Nothing says "happy valentine's" like a big brown butt cake with purple boils. I hope my husband gets me that instead of roses!

Healthy Mom said...

I can't believe they were charging more than $8 for that sad little heart!

The Accidental Parisian said...

Ouch! If you want to insult your beloved twice, leave the pricetag on the half-a-heart cake. "Sorry honey, a whole heart was $2.98!"

MJS said...

I am so relieved I am not the only one who thought it was a butt cake instead of a heart. I feel less deviant now.

Shannon said...

Does the one with "purple blobbies" look more like butt cheeks than a heart to anyone else?

Melinda said...

The 4th cake down (with purple blobs) kinda looks like a bum. I love the split heart cakes.

knitorpurl said...

Ok, the one with the purple blobs- I can't decide if the intent is one amazingly strange face with puckered lips or two strange looking faces kissing. Either way- weird.

And the cookie cake is so mean, yet so funny! And I know a couple of girls that my son should have sent it to, because maybe then they would have gotten the message.

Morgi said...

Hahahahaha! I was going to say the two before the emo cookie looked like butts, but you've all got it well covered... ;)

Bama Cheryl said...

I'm voting with the butt cheeks comments for cake #4. Maybe it's a dual purpose cake pan.

Aphrodine said...

Yeesh! Cake #4 looks like somebody drew a pair of eyes over their butt (perhaps to do the infamous Ace Ventura impression?) and I'm afraid that CAke #5 reminds me too much of Goatse to be considered edible.

Mella said...

the cookies are cute

Nikki said...

I want that cookie cake! I have the perfect person to give it to.

Anonymous said...

I think the evil face cookie is supposed to be polka dots... possessed polka dots!

Tarri said...

If I said Goatsey about number 5 would anybody understand (or want to admit it)?

I love the little sad purple heart/snail. It is strangely adorable.

Chloe Lutts said...

Ooh Ooh! Maybe the butt cake is actually two leftover Superbowl football cakes fused into one brown kinda-heart?

Or maybe I should just stop trying to find rational explanations for the wreckinesss....

(but seriously, WHO would think that up without some sort of horrible limitation like turning footballs into a V-day cake?)

Dani said...

I WANT those cookies. Also I think the 4th one down looks like someoned backside not their heart.

Amy said...

I love the sardonic heart-shaped cookie! And the check yes or no is funny, but that bruised heart thing? Looks more like a lamb chop on steroids to me.
~Amy B.

Leslie said...

That last cake/cookie is sort of a fun flashback to my childhood. I remember if you really fancied someone back in elementary school you'd pass them a note that said, "I like you, do you like me? Circle yes or no."
I got a lot of "or"'s circled. :(
Maybe it's a sign that notes like that turn people into emo kids?

lilgirlsummers said...

The brown one looks like a butt.

Bree said...

lol... you said Sugalumps. please tell me you MEANT the reference to Flight of the Conchords.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZFXbK0lwcU

The Cox Family said...

Loved all the valentine cakes. I check your posts daily and absolutely love your blog. I have even linked you in my I read section on my blog! You are such an inspiration to me! Thank you so much!

Kristianna said...

#4 reminds me of THESE guys from Dune.  They always creeped me out, and I think I would really not appreciate a cake with their ugly mugs on it.

Anonymous said...

The "Be Mine" cake looks like it has pickled beets on top.

Maria said...

i have cookie-makin' ingredients. i have a heart-shaped pan.

SOMEONE is totally getting a "do you love me? [ ] yes [x] no" cake tomorrow, even if it has to be the mailman.

Flartus said...

It's a buttcheek cake! And it's got purple-gloved hands, ready to, erm...spread the love!

Aaargh, does no one step back and look at these things before putting them on display??

WV = icklop. Yup!

Karen said...

That third one makes me think the decorator tried to knock off one of Colette Peter's designs and didn't exactly pull it off. ("Black and Blue Heart" from Cakes to Dream On)

Karen said...

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!

Your blog never fail to bring tears to my eyes! Don't stop the commentary lol!

barbie2be said...

that cake with the purple boobies looks like an ass.

Anonymous said...

Oh, these are good! The third one looks like an oxygen deprived human heart, the fourth one looks like butt cheeks and the fifth one looks like a uterus. Hmmmm...

Anonymous said...

Oh, these are good! The third one looks like an oxygen deprived human heart, the fourth one looks like butt cheeks and the fifth one looks like a uterus. Hmmmm...

Cakedreamer said...

Haha! I think the check yes or no one is GREAT! hmmm...now I'm scheming who to make it for and give it to... :)

Anonymous said...

It looks like a butt cake.

'Excuse me. I'd like to @$$ you a few questions...'

HorribleLicensePlates said...

That one with the purple wings looks like a butt.

Erin said...

Emily, at least they're giving chocolate chip goodness to comfort the poor soul post-dumping. Best dumping EVER.

Anonymous said...

Bwaahaahaa! I absolutely *adore* the emo cookie!!! :) Gotta have one now!!!

Tatyana said...

i want that sardonic cookie! That's so awesomely cynical :) And the yes/no one rocks. I'd say those are cake wins.

Cat said...

#5

It looks so good thats why I keep it in the front...

er...

I think it might be better if it was sweet and white and highly refined, as opposed to pepto pink, and vomit inducing and terrifying.

Monica said...

i'm cry-laughing right now. i can't believe they checked no. lmao

Crystal said...

lol that 4th cake.. the brown one looks like a butt with a face drawn on it.

Maaike said...

I wonder if they rather belatedly found they ran out of the correct size boxes and had to chop the hearts in two?

Jenny said...

The purple blobbies cake looks like it wet its pants

linz said...

am i the only one who thinks the one with the purple blobs just looks like an upside down butt?

alexlady said...

i agree with previous posters, creepy heart=heinie. for sure.

mmmmmm i want a cookie cake!!!

Scritzy said...

Maybe the cake that looks like a butt is a break-up cake, and you're telling your ex to kiss your ... well, you know.

As for the cookie cake, that one brought back some sweet memories of grade school, when boys would send me notes saying, "I love you. Do you love me? Check Yes or No."

I always checked Yes.

I was such a flirt.

Juliet said...

The "Do you love me? No" is effin hilarious! I am still laughing. I wonder what occasion that cookie cake might be used for... to break up with someone? Instead of having a talk about the relationship, just send them that cookie!

Becky B said...

I love that last cookie cake!

Gretchen said...

Two of those are TOTALLY butts masquerading as hearts.

Anonymous said...

The creepy cake is so totally a butt! Especially with the white toilet seat lace around the edges.

jengersnap said...

I love the one that looks like a smiling face on buttcheeks.

The cookie should be paired with the broken heart though. What a party that would be!

Charlotte said...

Wow...that brown one looks more like someone painted but cheeks and thos purple things are hands....I'll leave it at that :P

Really love the sardonic cookie and the yes/no cookie! ROFL! That looked like something my 14 year old would give out :D

T said...

That po' widdle one looks like a, um, nut sack....Ewwwwww

Sophia Nightengale said...

Number Five looks like it just had open heart surgery.

Etiquette Bitch said...

omg, the (check) "No" had me laughing out loud. too funny!

"sugalumps"? FOTC fan? Are you going to see them? whee!!!

Happy valentines day, wreckers and wreck lovers!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing the brown one is supposed to be "kiss my you-know-what."

Anonymous said...

The cookie cake is made of win. If Hot Topic ever decided to sell baked goods, that would be perfect.

And I also saw a butt for #4 too.

---Bree

shinejewelry said...

Oh my, the first cookie looks kind of pervy.

Anonymous said...

definitely a goatse cake.

michelle said...

ohh i laughed out loud at this one. you pulled me out from being a lurker. drat.

Aviatrix said...

I agree with The Courteous Chihuahua's assessment of number five, but Tarri has it closer to my first thought.

Calling a cake "buttlike" isn't usually polite, but people are being polite about number four. It looks exactly like the rear view of a woman bending waaay over. Including the lips, folks. If you give someone one of these cakes, make sure you're prepared to deliver on the iced implications.

Mrs. C said...

The purple blobby thing looks like realy bad butt cheeks.

Oh, and that one with the constipation look - yikes. I work in a hospital - I've seen some specimens - but on cake? It ruins icing for me.

I live for icing.

Zhoen said...

When I was in grade school, other kids would ask me to draw hearts for them, because I knew how. If these cake artists asked me, I'd demonstrate my third grade art prowess, really, no problem.

The half hearted cakes exemplify the whole holiday to me.

Biff said...

First an cake shaped like buttocks and then a bunch of hearts in a circle that only reminds me of one thing: anal sphincter. I'm in the medical field, what can I say? I love cake wrecks!

Christa said...

The 5th cake looks like a birth canal!!! omg I was like what the heck! then I looked again and saw the little hearts...ewww

Anonymous said...

#4 is totally a butt. Look -- it doesn't even hve a point at the bottom.

Oh, good grief...

Verification word: 'Fistall"

funnycide said...

They drive the ladies crayyyzaaay.

Put eyes on the third one and you've got a Vermicious Knid, source of so many of my childhood nightmares.

Stephanie said...

I thought number 5 looks a heck of a lot more than a uterus and fallopian tubes then a heart....but that's just me.

Midwest Mommy said...

Ok, that one is totally a butt and the mouth is well, you can figure it out ;-)

Sina bo bina said...

OMG OMG OMG..."hug him and squeeze him and call him George..." I was so thinking that when I saw him, and that line is a long-standing had-to-be-there memory for my family (having to do with San Diego, watermelon Bubblicious gum and eating at Anthony's)! I think frosting flew out of my nose! Okay, that's gross and didn't happen. But it might someday.

River said...

The one with the purple splotches? Looks more like a pair of bum cheeks.
Love the yes/no cookie.

Katiecakes said...

That cake with the purple blobbies looks like a bum.

Katie xox

DangGina said...

I love them all for a number of reasons. But that check yes or no cookie has won my heart. Heh heh heh...

The half-hearts are a close second, but really...you've outdone yourself this time :)

Jen @ Mommay's Mayhem said...

yes, that face one really does look like a butt! A buttface! ha ha

Grace said...

I bought those cookies and brought them over to my gramma who is 97. Not a great idea. They were hard as rocks. Didn't notice the sardonic look on their cookie faces though.

Maryann Kelly said...

These made me giggle. I think maybe some of the hearts were trying to be too anatomical? I wouldn't be surprised if there was red jelly inside the "sad, limping" one.

Jana said...

Oh please tell me the sugalumps is in reference to the flight of the conchords... I knew there was a reason this blog makes me laugh harder than any other.

Dave S (big fan) said...

The fourth one looks like the Looney Tunes monster! (http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2063/2378292068_66f59be9db.jpg)

Anonymous said...

I think cake no. 4 a lion's face.

Magpie said...

The one cake looks like a painful case of hemerroids. You know which one I'm talking about...

Penny Green said...

The one with the red hearts in the middle... yeah it kinda looks like a butthole. Happy Valentine's Day butthole.

Anonymous said...

The butt one actually LOOKS like the "What what In The Butt" guy!

Lauren said...

I love the check yes or no cookie. Especially because it brings me back to my childhood when those kinds of notes were passed around often.
When I saw Lauren C. at the bottom of the post I was like, "Wait...I just found this site yesterday right?" Haha. My name is Lauren and yes, my last name begins with a C. :D

Kat said...

That purple blob cake looks like an ass with a face!

Craig said...

#3 I see a purplish snail. The sign looks like it says, "Almond Puppy White". I SO hope I'm wrong.

The last one reminds me of the George Strait song, "Check Yes or No". Except for 'no' being checked, which explains the emo reference. Bah!

wv: sodem. Insert your own joke here.

Anonymous said...

Aw, sweetie, a dollar-forty-nine for half a heart. You sure know how to treat a girl.

And that pink one is definitely gynecological. I didn't realise it had a message on it until I made the mistake of looking at the larger version. Not a nice surprise.